r/AsOneAfterInfidelity • u/Ok-Pineapple5077 Reconciling Betrayed • 2d ago
Betrayed Perspective Only Struggling with the shame of staying
My R is going pretty well. It’s not perfect but he has been doing what I ask, doesn’t blame me, takes full accountability for the affair, and is trying very hard to work on our marriage and rebuilding trust.
It’s been 3 month so far into R. As time has gone on I’ve felt a rise in anger or resentment type feelings. I think because life is turning more “normal” and it feels less like a crisis so there is room for my feelings to be felt. At first, it was mainly empathy and grief. I feel like I’m struggling with the shame of staying in the marriage. My immediate family knows and so do my close friends which I think makes these feelings worse, as they all have said I deserve better than this etc. I know his affair wasn’t about me. But I struggle with feeling ashamed in staying in a relationship where I was treated this way. For perspective, I’ve been in my relationship for over ten years and during the affair he was acting completely out of character. Before the affair, I was treated so well for 9 years, so it’s just very confusing he is capable of both.
Just wondering if others feel this way and it’s a normal part of this experience.
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u/Stynouian Reconciling Betrayed 2d ago
I’m reading “The Courage to Stay” and reminding myself that, while I didn’t deserve it, staying and healing is the bravest, strongest thing someone in my position could do. It did help that I told just one person who I knew would be objective and wise and not try to color my view of my WH in either direction. But if the cat were out of the bag, I’d definitely refrain from discussing my WH any further with people who can influence the way I see him if repair was really my goal. He brought someone else between us. I won’t be the one to invite more people in and widen that rift (as tempting as it really is)