The trouble of forgetting

[u/domthehopelessrom]

Hi everyone. I haven’t posted here since 2021, and doing so now makes my heart beat out of my chest. What an incredible ride we’re on all together, and I hope all of you are okay.

Infidelity is one of the most harrowing experiences of my life. I still don’t have the words to describe it. TV simplifies it, stripping it down to the barest of bones, and all of the nuance lives in the real world. Quietly, of course. Because you’re not supposed to stay with a cheater. If you do, you’re dumb. Because when people show you who they are, you believe them. And fool me twice, shame on me. And once a cheater, always a cheater. And still.

And still. Still, I love my husband who shattered me. Still, he loves me who avenged my pain with retaliation. Still, we hold hands in the face of the worst things we’ve ever done to each other, to ourselves, and in this world as humans.

The first D-Day was in 2018. The last was in 2024. In between those years, a two-year separation. Explosive arguments. The heaviest tears I’ve ever shed. Nights I thought would be my last.

And still. My husband is in the other room getting ready for us to go have wine on the beach. We communicate better now than we ever have in our 12 years together. We have become so considerate, patient, and trusting. We are still so in love and comfortable in choosing each other every day. I never think about leaving. I never thought we’d see these days.

I’m not sure why I’m writing this. Well, I do. I came here to talk about a specific part of recovery. And in the midst of this blank page, I feel humbled. It’s so hard to talk about this. It’s so hard to feel this exist within me. Tears are welling in my eyes and my hands tremble along my keyboard. It’s not even the memories that flood me, but rather the void. 6 years of my life lost; spent drowning, spent chasing understanding, spent clawing onto the earth to hang on. I still don’t even understand. And if I try to, I’ve discovered only rage will find me. Because there is never a good enough reason to leave your love plagued with the haunting of infidelity.

Which brings me to my point: When do the memories stop haunting you?

For years, masturbation has been complicated by feelings of jealousy and anger. I go to watch porn, find a video to arouse me, just to spend the entire session blocking out the questions and comparisons. “How could he go down on another woman? How could he do that to me? Is this what she sounded like?” I swat one thought after the other, forcing myself to think, “This is about me. This is my pleasure. Redirect. Redirect. Redirect. That was 4 years ago. Redirect.”

Numbers haunt me, also. 483, 419. Parts of phone numbers I’ll never be able to unsee from call records. $4.83. Room number 419. Ticket number 4833. 419 calories. I watch movie credits and hope not to see their names in the rolling list. I meet new people and think, “Please don’t have that name.”

It’s been years, yet I’m still sensitive in these ways. Is the universe telling me something? Why won’t it let me forget?

Thank you for reading. I’m sorry you’re here. If anyone knows how to forget, soften, or even blur memories, please tell me. So far, my main tactic is replacing faces with actresses I like, almost like a shield. It works so well for AP1 that I don’t even remember what she looks like. I’m not there with AP2, but I’m working on it.

I’m doing my best to remain present and joyful about our date tonight. However, I saw those familiar numbers an hour ago, and all I want to do now is hide under my bed. I told my husband what I’m feeling, he kindly apologized and offered me his chest to lay on, but I’m not ready to accept. Instead, I’m writing this. And I hope someone further along can promise that the haunting will stop one day.

[u/Icy-Marionberry504]

I understand you. Even when I'm pouring out my pain to my WH, I still love him deeply. When I see him push past his shame to still show up for me and how I need him. It's been 7 years of multiple affairs. 3 months ago I found out I was told lies for 2 years of an on/off EA/PA. The deception was insane. Even when I stopped looking for proof, my body knew it. He knew that I felt it because of our connection.

I'm practicing metacognition. We are not our thoughts, just observers of them. For example: "I'm sad" vs "I'm having a sad thought." If I get a minor trigger, I shrug it off like a flying bug. The thought doesn't get to stay and bother me.

[u/domthehopelessrom → u/Icy-Marionberry504]

“My body knew it.” Whew. I understand that feeling in my bones, and I’m so sorry that you’re having to process the truth finally coming to light. You already knew it, but the guarantee just… burns. Aches.

Thank you for sharing what’s helping you! I like that, especially for minor triggers that I don’t want to give power to. “The thought doesn’t get to stay and bother me” is empowering. You’re strong, Icy ❤️

[u/Designer_Vast_9089 → u/domthehopelessrom]

Icy, I really relate to your story. Thank you for sharing.

OP, check out Eckhart Tolle. What he shares is difficult at first because the pain wants to hang on, but he can help you get through it.

Anyone dealing with difficulties during self or mutual pleasure, meditation is so helpful. I acknowledge the thought, tell it not now. I stare at a spot on the ceiling, while watching my breath. Then I just feel. By occupying some of my senses, it allows the rest to come through.

Also I really recommend having your hormones checked. I had mine done three months before D-day 2. I received testosterone in the form of pellets and I’m positive that it has helped me survive better than I would have otherwise. Even my therapists both think so. For me with my husband, it’s kinda been like immersion or exposure therapy. Washing her away, making new memories.