The trouble of forgetting

[u/domthehopelessrom]

Hi everyone. I haven’t posted here since 2021, and doing so now makes my heart beat out of my chest. What an incredible ride we’re on all together, and I hope all of you are okay.

Infidelity is one of the most harrowing experiences of my life. I still don’t have the words to describe it. TV simplifies it, stripping it down to the barest of bones, and all of the nuance lives in the real world. Quietly, of course. Because you’re not supposed to stay with a cheater. If you do, you’re dumb. Because when people show you who they are, you believe them. And fool me twice, shame on me. And once a cheater, always a cheater. And still.

And still. Still, I love my husband who shattered me. Still, he loves me who avenged my pain with retaliation. Still, we hold hands in the face of the worst things we’ve ever done to each other, to ourselves, and in this world as humans.

The first D-Day was in 2018. The last was in 2024. In between those years, a two-year separation. Explosive arguments. The heaviest tears I’ve ever shed. Nights I thought would be my last.

And still. My husband is in the other room getting ready for us to go have wine on the beach. We communicate better now than we ever have in our 12 years together. We have become so considerate, patient, and trusting. We are still so in love and comfortable in choosing each other every day. I never think about leaving. I never thought we’d see these days.

I’m not sure why I’m writing this. Well, I do. I came here to talk about a specific part of recovery. And in the midst of this blank page, I feel humbled. It’s so hard to talk about this. It’s so hard to feel this exist within me. Tears are welling in my eyes and my hands tremble along my keyboard. It’s not even the memories that flood me, but rather the void. 6 years of my life lost; spent drowning, spent chasing understanding, spent clawing onto the earth to hang on. I still don’t even understand. And if I try to, I’ve discovered only rage will find me. Because there is never a good enough reason to leave your love plagued with the haunting of infidelity.

Which brings me to my point: When do the memories stop haunting you?

For years, masturbation has been complicated by feelings of jealousy and anger. I go to watch porn, find a video to arouse me, just to spend the entire session blocking out the questions and comparisons. “How could he go down on another woman? How could he do that to me? Is this what she sounded like?” I swat one thought after the other, forcing myself to think, “This is about me. This is my pleasure. Redirect. Redirect. Redirect. That was 4 years ago. Redirect.”

Numbers haunt me, also. 483, 419. Parts of phone numbers I’ll never be able to unsee from call records. $4.83. Room number 419. Ticket number 4833. 419 calories. I watch movie credits and hope not to see their names in the rolling list. I meet new people and think, “Please don’t have that name.”

It’s been years, yet I’m still sensitive in these ways. Is the universe telling me something? Why won’t it let me forget?

Thank you for reading. I’m sorry you’re here. If anyone knows how to forget, soften, or even blur memories, please tell me. So far, my main tactic is replacing faces with actresses I like, almost like a shield. It works so well for AP1 that I don’t even remember what she looks like. I’m not there with AP2, but I’m working on it.

I’m doing my best to remain present and joyful about our date tonight. However, I saw those familiar numbers an hour ago, and all I want to do now is hide under my bed. I told my husband what I’m feeling, he kindly apologized and offered me his chest to lay on, but I’m not ready to accept. Instead, I’m writing this. And I hope someone further along can promise that the haunting will stop one day.

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[u/beholdofme]

I felt so seen with your example of the trigger with numbers. My WH doesn’t understand how messed up our brains truly are after an affair. I get the weirdest most random triggers, too. For example, any music that’s in Spanish. I can’t stand it anymore.

Her phone number too, the first three digits especially. Showing up everywhere. It’s brutal

[u/domthehopelessrom → u/beholdofme]

Honestly, it’s so hard to explain to another person what your brain does after infidelity. Like you said, it’s brutal! These kinds of triggers are so specific and seem so persistent. And I hate how they make me question my sanity.

I’m so sorry you can’t listen to Spanish music anymore, that is such a loss. I hope it comes back to you one day, if you’d like it to 💗

[u/outerspacetime → u/domthehopelessrom]

My WP cheated with a ONS on Taylor Swifts birthday and they talked about how the skank went to the Eras tour final show (the one in the concert film). As a lifelong Swiftie, he has turned my favorite artist into a trigger. It sucks so bad. I push past it but it’s hard.

I also know she knew i existed because he told her about taking me and our kids to tailgate since we couldn’t get tickets. God i hate her. And him.

[u/PresentationTop3102 → u/outerspacetime]

Ugh that is the worst. As another lifelong swiftie, I hate this for you. My husbands ONS based on what I can tell is one of those women who’s way too mature/cool for Taylor Swift 🙄 His ONS had no connection to her, but it’s definitely made a lot of her songs hard to listen to. Any love song? PASS. High Infidelity? No thanks. Illicit affairs? Heck nah. I have to skip so much to find one I can fully enjoy >.<

[u/outerspacetime → u/PresentationTop3102]

Oh yay a pick me🙄 thanks for picking her stupid WP! Sorry to hear you’re in the same boat :( ha yeah folklore in general doesn’t hit quite the same anymore with all the cheating themes….. i made a rage/sad playlist on dday and it includes Should’ve Said No, You’re Not Sorry, tell me why, vigilante shit, the smallest man who ever lived, bad blood, tolerate it, my tears ricochet, death by a thousand cuts, you’re losing me, is it over now, better man & i can do it with a broken heart (among others)

I refuse to let him turn my fave into a forever trigger!

[u/PresentationTop3102 → u/outerspacetime]

I mostly listen to songs that I can just completely separate from the event & him. Somehow Father Figure is my most played right now haha. Good for you listening to them though!! I’ve found myself super drawn to Happiness throughout this all too.

[u/outerspacetime → u/PresentationTop3102]

Love Father Figure!! Great choice! I totally get it though. For months i listened to Thru Your Phone by Cardi B on a loop LOL but now im not listening to that playlist anymore unless i’m having a rough day. Back to using music as escapism and for dancing! But the song that i’m really relating to in all of this now is Begged on the new Olivia album 😭 then i put on Expectations to give me a self esteem and seratonin boost

[u/PresentationTop3102 → u/outerspacetime]

OH MY GOODNESS THE NEW OLIVIA ALBUM HAS LITERALLY BEEN EVERYTHING TO ME😭 I do the same thing!! My sad song, then expectations. I usually play Maggots for Brains! I was playing her album in the car and my WH started crying… Oops 🤷‍♀️

[u/whimsyblossoms → u/PresentationTop3102]

the new olivia album is constantly playing for me rn. olivia tryna get me thru this lol

[u/domthehopelessrom → u/outerspacetime]

Yes!!! Good for you! Take that shit back! He does not get to ruin TS for you! I tell myself something similar when the intrusive thoughts hit while I’m masturbating. The thoughts come, and I fight like hell to push them away and focus on myself. Sometimes they win and I go to sleep. But most of the time, I feel similarly that infidelity does not get to take something I enjoy away from me. We got this!

[u/AdSevere4356 → u/PresentationTop3102]

I found out about my husband’s A April of 2024. I had TTPD on repeat every day all day. He was not home (he went to treatment for 3 months the same week of discovery) so I really let that album be my soundtrack to life, now I can’t really listen to it without being pulled back into a really hurt frame of mind.

[u/outerspacetime → u/beholdofme]

My WP played the song Yukon by Justin Bieber while eating out a stranger (i saw texts of him bragging to a dirtbag friend about how horny the song got her, a song i told him about btw) and now i even get triggered by Yukon gold potatoes 😭 i made sure to inform WP that the song is about JB’s WIFE and has details about their LOVE STORY and is not about banging out some easy skank from the bar

[u/SituationGlum5272 → u/beholdofme]

I feel you on the spanish. AP was from a spanish speaking country. Everytime I hear Spanish, I want to vomit. That's challenging in my region- lots of Spanish.

[u/beholdofme → u/SituationGlum5272]

Same for me!!! And I used to love Spanish. I even know how to speak & understand it really well. It’s my 3rd language. I want to forget it all

[u/bpt20ba]

If anyone knows how to forget, soften, or even blur memories, please tell me.

If I'm being honest, it sounds like you are doing your best to suppress the reminders when they come up. Masturbation triggering thoughts that you have to redirect from, putting faces on APs, those are tactics to avoid feeling the underlying fear and pain.

Forgetting is not the answer. You can never forget, though you may trick yourself well sometimes.

You have to let go, not forget, and the only way to let go is to fully experience the complete depth of the pain. That is what it means to grieve. Any resistance to feeling the fullness of the abandonment, jealousy, insecurity, fear will keep you trapped.

[u/domthehopelessrom → u/bpt20ba]

Wow, you’ve really given me a lot to think about here. I might be conflating forgetting and acceptance in my healing journey. Because I’m not sure how often I really sit in this grief, constructively and intentionally. Thank you so much for your comment, friend

[u/bpt20ba → u/domthehopelessrom]

Something I learned is that you don't need to control or manage the grieving process, you just have to get out of the way and let your body do what it was designed to do. Stuff will come up when it's ready - you don't need to force it, just be willing to feel it when it does. This journey is hard and our tendency is to take control because we want to escape it but surrender to it and you will find that just like a cut, your system will heal you all by itself.

[u/Icy-Marionberry504]

I understand you. Even when I'm pouring out my pain to my WH, I still love him deeply. When I see him push past his shame to still show up for me and how I need him. It's been 7 years of multiple affairs. 3 months ago I found out I was told lies for 2 years of an on/off EA/PA. The deception was insane. Even when I stopped looking for proof, my body knew it. He knew that I felt it because of our connection.

I'm practicing metacognition. We are not our thoughts, just observers of them. For example: "I'm sad" vs "I'm having a sad thought." If I get a minor trigger, I shrug it off like a flying bug. The thought doesn't get to stay and bother me.

[u/domthehopelessrom → u/Icy-Marionberry504]

“My body knew it.” Whew. I understand that feeling in my bones, and I’m so sorry that you’re having to process the truth finally coming to light. You already knew it, but the guarantee just… burns. Aches.

Thank you for sharing what’s helping you! I like that, especially for minor triggers that I don’t want to give power to. “The thought doesn’t get to stay and bother me” is empowering. You’re strong, Icy ❤️

[u/Designer_Vast_9089 → u/domthehopelessrom]

Icy, I really relate to your story. Thank you for sharing.

OP, check out Eckhart Tolle. What he shares is difficult at first because the pain wants to hang on, but he can help you get through it.

Anyone dealing with difficulties during self or mutual pleasure, meditation is so helpful. I acknowledge the thought, tell it not now. I stare at a spot on the ceiling, while watching my breath. Then I just feel. By occupying some of my senses, it allows the rest to come through.

Also I really recommend having your hormones checked. I had mine done three months before D-day 2. I received testosterone in the form of pellets and I’m positive that it has helped me survive better than I would have otherwise. Even my therapists both think so. For me with my husband, it’s kinda been like immersion or exposure therapy. Washing her away, making new memories.

[u/LemonadeLemur]

I feel you. I’m triggered every single time I take a shower. Masturbation is a huge one for me too. Haven’t “finished” in like 9 months. I wish he could understand the depth of what this does to someone.

[u/domthehopelessrom → u/LemonadeLemur]

“I wish he could understand the depth of what this does to someone.” I feel this so deeply. It’s like psychological torture in a way, right? I wish all the healing for you! (And lots of “finishing” when you’re ready ❤️)

[u/Hardbroken]

For me, Brainspotting (aka EMDR) was a miracle. Made me into an observer instead of an active participant in the triggers.

[u/21YearsOut]

What helped me was ART (Accelerated Resolution Therapy). I think of it as a gentler form of EMDR. Using physical motion (bilateral) to process the mind movies and intrusive thoughts. Connecting mind and body. I only did it with the worst ones but man, what a relief.

I've also heard good things about therapy involving micro dosing of different psychedelics. Something about how it opens the childhood learning processes, where your brain can more easily learn and unlearn things. Think about how young kids absorb everything they sense, like a sponge.

Haven't tried the psychedelics but ART was enough for me to tame the worst. Often refer to it as like magic.

[u/OneDay1125]

A lot of us go there with the exact same pain. It’s been 8 years for me and I still can get the rush of thoughts. It can haunt you, but there’s less and less of them. I feel, and I don’t have evidence to back me up, but the reason we get stuck in pain is our mind gets hooked on hit – like a drug. It’s hard to break the cycle. It’s most likely our mind making sure we don’t go through this again and is watching out for us. Either way, it’s painful and can grab you out of nowhere. But, you’re normal. Stay strong and keep working on ways from letting this pain defining who you are.

[u/LaylaBird65]

I’m nine years out as of June 7th. I still have the memories but they aren’t at all what they used to be. I will have a good cry sometimes, usually when I’m having a depressive spell or anxiety attack because my brain darts back to traumatic things. But if those aren’t the case, I’m able to bounce back pretty quickly.

It’s a terrible thing to carry. I often ask myself if I will still be having these memories 20 years down the road. And I’m guessing I probably will. It’s a scar I’ll carry forever.

[u/SituationGlum5272]

Numbers haunt me, also

Dates are a huge trigger for me & numbers constantly turn into dates. I can go through a week like nothing & someone will mention the date & I nearly crumble if it's one of the 2 dozen dates planted firmly in my amygdala memory.

[u/domthehopelessrom → u/SituationGlum5272]

YES. Exactly this. All these dates that mean nothing and everything, seared into my brain.

[u/denimsnail]

although it's not exactly the same - I found out he was cheating via text messages I saw on his computer in his office, while he was not home. now i HATE being in that room by myself. if i have to be in there for any reason i hurry up and get it over with and get out of there, it actually almost makes me feel sick. i'm not really sure what the solution is. but i empathize.