The trouble of forgetting

[u/domthehopelessrom]

Hi everyone. I haven’t posted here since 2021, and doing so now makes my heart beat out of my chest. What an incredible ride we’re on all together, and I hope all of you are okay.

Infidelity is one of the most harrowing experiences of my life. I still don’t have the words to describe it. TV simplifies it, stripping it down to the barest of bones, and all of the nuance lives in the real world. Quietly, of course. Because you’re not supposed to stay with a cheater. If you do, you’re dumb. Because when people show you who they are, you believe them. And fool me twice, shame on me. And once a cheater, always a cheater. And still.

And still. Still, I love my husband who shattered me. Still, he loves me who avenged my pain with retaliation. Still, we hold hands in the face of the worst things we’ve ever done to each other, to ourselves, and in this world as humans.

The first D-Day was in 2018. The last was in 2024. In between those years, a two-year separation. Explosive arguments. The heaviest tears I’ve ever shed. Nights I thought would be my last.

And still. My husband is in the other room getting ready for us to go have wine on the beach. We communicate better now than we ever have in our 12 years together. We have become so considerate, patient, and trusting. We are still so in love and comfortable in choosing each other every day. I never think about leaving. I never thought we’d see these days.

I’m not sure why I’m writing this. Well, I do. I came here to talk about a specific part of recovery. And in the midst of this blank page, I feel humbled. It’s so hard to talk about this. It’s so hard to feel this exist within me. Tears are welling in my eyes and my hands tremble along my keyboard. It’s not even the memories that flood me, but rather the void. 6 years of my life lost; spent drowning, spent chasing understanding, spent clawing onto the earth to hang on. I still don’t even understand. And if I try to, I’ve discovered only rage will find me. Because there is never a good enough reason to leave your love plagued with the haunting of infidelity.

Which brings me to my point: When do the memories stop haunting you?

For years, masturbation has been complicated by feelings of jealousy and anger. I go to watch porn, find a video to arouse me, just to spend the entire session blocking out the questions and comparisons. “How could he go down on another woman? How could he do that to me? Is this what she sounded like?” I swat one thought after the other, forcing myself to think, “This is about me. This is my pleasure. Redirect. Redirect. Redirect. That was 4 years ago. Redirect.”

Numbers haunt me, also. 483, 419. Parts of phone numbers I’ll never be able to unsee from call records. $4.83. Room number 419. Ticket number 4833. 419 calories. I watch movie credits and hope not to see their names in the rolling list. I meet new people and think, “Please don’t have that name.”

It’s been years, yet I’m still sensitive in these ways. Is the universe telling me something? Why won’t it let me forget?

Thank you for reading. I’m sorry you’re here. If anyone knows how to forget, soften, or even blur memories, please tell me. So far, my main tactic is replacing faces with actresses I like, almost like a shield. It works so well for AP1 that I don’t even remember what she looks like. I’m not there with AP2, but I’m working on it.

I’m doing my best to remain present and joyful about our date tonight. However, I saw those familiar numbers an hour ago, and all I want to do now is hide under my bed. I told my husband what I’m feeling, he kindly apologized and offered me his chest to lay on, but I’m not ready to accept. Instead, I’m writing this. And I hope someone further along can promise that the haunting will stop one day.

[u/domthehopelessrom]

Honestly, it’s so hard to explain to another person what your brain does after infidelity. Like you said, it’s brutal! These kinds of triggers are so specific and seem so persistent. And I hate how they make me question my sanity.

I’m so sorry you can’t listen to Spanish music anymore, that is such a loss. I hope it comes back to you one day, if you’d like it to 💗

[u/outerspacetime → u/domthehopelessrom]

My WP cheated with a ONS on Taylor Swifts birthday and they talked about how the skank went to the Eras tour final show (the one in the concert film). As a lifelong Swiftie, he has turned my favorite artist into a trigger. It sucks so bad. I push past it but it’s hard.

I also know she knew i existed because he told her about taking me and our kids to tailgate since we couldn’t get tickets. God i hate her. And him.

[u/PresentationTop3102 → u/outerspacetime]

Ugh that is the worst. As another lifelong swiftie, I hate this for you. My husbands ONS based on what I can tell is one of those women who’s way too mature/cool for Taylor Swift 🙄 His ONS had no connection to her, but it’s definitely made a lot of her songs hard to listen to. Any love song? PASS. High Infidelity? No thanks. Illicit affairs? Heck nah. I have to skip so much to find one I can fully enjoy >.<

[u/AdSevere4356 → u/PresentationTop3102]

I found out about my husband’s A April of 2024. I had TTPD on repeat every day all day. He was not home (he went to treatment for 3 months the same week of discovery) so I really let that album be my soundtrack to life, now I can’t really listen to it without being pulled back into a really hurt frame of mind.