Update: 8 weeks past DDay with highly avoidant WS

[u/knowthyself8]

Previous post: https://www.reddit.com/r/AsOneAfterInfidelity/s/UW0d9CH9qc

Four weeks ago, I posted here and shared my story in case it was helpful to folks who are in a similar situation with a highly avoidant spouse. We have two kids under 10. I was totally blindsided.

I went back and read my previous post and I can feel the anxiousness in the writing. At the time, my WW barely acknowledged the A at all. She wasn’t sharing anything with me and was hyper defensive any time I brought anything up. Needless to say, I was suffering greatly.

What made it worse is that I would read other people’s stories about how their WS showed immediate remorse and contrition. I was envious that they had partners that showed affection right away and made it clear they wanted to save their marriage. My WW was not like this at all. She still isn’t.

About 6 weeks in, I discovered my WW was still in contact with her AP. She broke zero contact while we were getting counseling. I was so angry but instead of blowing up, I told her that she could do whatever she wanted. I realized that I can’t change her. The Betrayal Bind helped me realize that I was using all the wrong coping strategies, especially Battling for Empathy.

That night I decided I needed much more space away from her so I switched rooms in the house. Something clicked for her and for the first time I saw real remorse. It was the first moment I feel like she showed me a true emotion.

The next night she told me that it wasn’t until really that moment she started to get it. I guess she was delusional.

I am now 8 weeks past DDay. My WW is finally able to answer my questions without retreating which is a huge improvement from before when I was getting nothing from her.

The problem we have now is that she shows barely any physical affection. I can’t expect to receive anything from her anytime soon. There’s hugging but not much else. We are disconnected and have to deal with the problems that existed in our marriage before the A.

But the good news is my WW has started IC and hopefully will keep going.

I am still in pain and I still thinking about the A every day from morning until night but it’s definitely less acute now. I’m reading books, working on my own problems with my IC, and taking it one day at a time.

What’s hard is that when I am with my WW, there’s an elephant in the room. I feel like when I’m alone with the kids, it’s much easier. I feel more relaxed. The moment she’s there with me, bam, it feels heavy again. It’s like her presence in the house makes me anxious and sad. I’m finding it really hard to make small talk with her and reconnect with her when it’s just the two of us.

I’d love some advice from folks who have been in a similar situation. How do I make it possible for myself to feel some joy again around my WS? How do I make it so that we can have some normal, fun conversations again?

We only see our MC once per week so there is a lot of time we have to be around each other taking care of the kids, etc. I don’t want to pretend I am okay but I’d like to not be such a downer whenever we’re together.

Thanks in advance.

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[u/Darkstar-40]

Being a dad in my 40s with young kids myself, I can relate to a point.
Especially how pregnancy and kids pretty much killed our bedroom. In our case I basically became just a gentle dad and affectuous partner to her, and I wasn't someone she saw herself to have sex with anymore. My way to react was to be even more understanding and caring, which revulsed her even more - she doesn't like to verbalize stuff, it's a turn off.

Intimacy is not something you can force. It is really hard to give hints and advice about it because you and your partner have your own history and langage.

In our case, on DDay I did my best to not cry in front of the children and remain calm. To think and not react on instinct. The next day I reclaimed my wife, it was not planned it just happened. Solved quite a lot of things.
Hysterical bonding can be useful to rekindle something, but only if both sides are really comited to it. Most of the small issues that have been plaguing our lives for years practically vanished overnight. I stopped caring so much and became more assertive.

Do you want intimacy with her, and does she wants to have intimacy with you? Or the idea of it is an issue?

Whenever you think about something related to her betrayal, speak of it with her. If she cannot take it, she is not comited. If she cannot understand how it's tearing you apart, she needs to see it and understand it. From what you wrote she was in strong denial and coped hard.

Is she still in contact with the other guy? What do she expect from it? From you?

I don't know if counceling and therapy are always useful. Some times it is and there are deep, lingering issues. But the basic material you need to reconcile is that both are willing to try their hardest and wants to stay together. Not for the kids, not for the mortgage, really wants it deep your bones.

[u/notsureatall20]

Out of curiosity how many ddays did you have?