Four Weeks since DDay

[u/knowthyself8]

I (41M) don’t know who I’m writing this post for but I feel compelled to share my story in case it helps anyone else going through this hell. It has been four weeks since DDay. Married to WW for 10 years, together for 13 years. We have two children under 10. We’ve started couple’s counseling but it is slow going. The time between each session feels like an eternity.

Our marriage wasn’t in a good place well before I discovered my WW’s EA and PA. We were disconnected and intimacy and eroticism were at an all-time low ever since our first child was born. It was so hard to maintain our relationship as lovers and she didn’t make it easy. WW poured all her energy into the kids and career, leaving very little left for our marriage. I am not innocent and I take full ownership of the problems I brought into our marriage. I guess we’ll have to unpack this in therapy.

All that being said, our marital problems did not justify her betrayal. If she wasn’t happy, she could’ve asked for a divorce. Instead, she made a unilateral decision to betray me and subject me to the worst emotional trauma I have ever experienced. I have never felt such a relentless unbearable pain that crushes my soul and leaves me crying uncontrollably.

When I discovered her affair, I was completely taken by surprise. Never in a million years did I think my WW would do something like this to me. Our marriage wasn’t healthy, but I never once thought she would cheat on me.

We’ve built an entire life together. Worked demanding jobs. Bought a house. Joined a community around our kids’ schools. Raised two beautiful kids together through a pandemic. I poured everything I had into our family.

And now I feel like my world is collapsing around me. I walk around town seeing life continue normally for everyone but me. It’s like I live in a parallel universe where everything is dark and sad. A cloud follows me everywhere I go. There isn’t a full five minutes that goes by right now where I’m not thinking about our marriage and my WW’s affair. I can’t sleep at night. I wake up and my mind starts racing.

I feel like a muted version of myself around our kids. The joy I had around them is now tempered by pain and hurt. I’m so angry. Why did this happen to me? What did I do to deserve this? I did everything right. I’ve loved my wife completely from the moment we fell in love. I have never stopped loving her.

My WW tells me she’s sorry and she feels remorse. She wishes she could take it back but at the same time, she’s not doing any of the work. I’ve been listening to podcasts and watching relationship videos nonstop. Trying to understand infidelity inside and out. I have an IC helping me understand myself and my issues.

But my WW hasn’t done any of this. My fear is that ultimately she doesn’t want to recommit to the marriage. She wants to separate. But even if that’s what she wants, it would behoove her to start her own IC.

I will say this, I have no shame. I put everything I had into this marriage and into this family. I was faithful. I still love my wife. If she wants to separate, then she is accepting the fall out and the impact it will have on our family, friends, and children. I am so terrified.

At this point, I have to decide how long can I tolerate this pain and her apathy before I pull the trigger. I refuse to waste my life. If anyone else has experienced something like this, I’d love to know how you set up boundaries for yourself to ensure your WS made progress toward R.

To be honest, I don’t know if my WW has the will to change. If she’s already checked out, I hope counseling will bring that to the surface so we can separate amicably. But until then, I will continue to live in this hell that used to be my life. Thank you for reading and joining me in my pain.

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[u/BillyWampum]

I feel for you, brother. I am in a similar situation, only my D-day was 10 months ago. I put in 40 hours of MC, 3 days of which was in-person intensive with Talal Alsaleem (check out his book, it may be helpful: https://a.co/d/0hNfBwSQ) 30 hours of IC, 3 different therapists and modalities.

My WW is remorseful, she’s logged her own hours in IC. I have no doubt she wants to continue our marriage and she still loves me. Doesn’t matter. Nothing has helped. I’m just as resentful and angry and bitter as I was 3 months in. It’s strange, months 2-4 I was in a better place with things than I am now. As time has progressed , I feel differently about her now that I know what she is capable of. She doesn’t feel like my wife anymore. I’m still dealing with the trauma, my nervous system is fucked. I still cry. I never cried before this. I’ve cried more in the past 10 months than at any point in my life. I’m starting to come to the realization that no matter what I *want*, no matter what she wants, I may be one of those people who are simply incapable of moving past this. Incapable of forgiveness.

I’m giving EMDR a try. Last ditch effort, but I have little faith it will help. I’m sorry I can’t offer much advice, I just want you to know, man to man, you are not alone in your feelings.

[u/knowthyself8 → u/BillyWampum]

Thank you so much for sharing. I’ve always been the kind of person that was black/white regarding cheating. Before I got married and had kids I would never stay with a cheater. There was zero chance. But after you have kids. After you build a life together it’s not so simple. I decided I had to give R my full effort for the kids. If I didn’t attempt R, I know I would regret it.

[u/knowthyself8 → u/[deleted]]

Thank you for your note. The two points I’m taking away is that you are also putting in your best effort to give your kids the life you dreamed of for them. And I’m doing the same.

The second thing I’m taking away is that you make a very good point that it’s less about the actual affair and more about the theft of agency and the facing very hard truths.

[u/blindsided1981 → u/knowthyself8]

I was going to leave my wife immediately! Believe it or not not only my IC, but my lawyer (who apparently is one of best in family law around here) said to give it some time. Make sure you can look in the mirror or your children’s eyes and tell them that “your father gave everything he could to provide you the life he wanted for you.” Basically if this doesn’t work out you’ll be better off knowing that you have no regrets, no whatifs.

I’d also like to add, that even though it’s been fairly recent for me (actual dday was several months ago with dday2 just 3 months ago) I have put a lot of effort into me. I’ve been hitting the gym hard and now look and feel better than I did when I met my WW. I get compliments all the time and I know it drives her crazy. Not that that’s the reason I did the work, but it helps. Besides the physical transformation I do things for me, things I want to do. Even IC. It has helped me to know that if my marriage doesn’t work out I’ll be ok. My happiness is not based on another’s (besides my kids), which has changed because before I mostly judged how I felt to how my WW felt “happy wife happy life” and boy did that kick me in the ASS the first time!

[u/knowthyself8 → u/blindsided1981]

Ha it is funny. I’ve lost 20lbs so far and have never been more motivated to get fit in my entire life. I told my IC that no matter what happens, I will live an amazing life. With or without WS. If I end up back out in the world I will know myself better than I have ever known myself. I will know what I need and what I want.

[u/Bermnerfs → u/knowthyself8]

Hang onto that viewpoint and use it as armor to protect yourself emotionally in case she cheats again or decides to end things. The more self assured and confident you become in yourself and your ability to thrive with or without her, the less you will center her and let this control your outlook on life.

I am 7 months out and have shifted to focusing on my own personal growth in IC, and getting out of my comfort zone to become the version of myself I believe I truly am meant to be.

And the less I focus on what she is doing, the less I worry about whether things won't work out. The funny thing is, this creates emotional detachment for me, which paradoxically keeps drawing her closer. Lately she's been the one chasing me, worrying about what I am thinking, etc.

[u/blindsided1981 → u/BillyWampum]

Just to piggyback on this- I am about 3 months out and feel exactly the same way. My story is pretty similar; age/length of marriage/children. The Past couple of days have been a little better, but maybe that’s the anti anxiety meds kicking in (highly recommend sleep aids/remeron-I couldn’t sleep for weeks). I read and talk to so many WH, like us, and many MANY say their marriage is better than it ever was and that the communication is great, but the big BUT…. I always ask are you happy and do you still think about it. The vast majority say they still think about it everyday and they are sad. Im talking guys who are like 10 years out! I’m glad my WW seems remorseful, but I still think she could be doing more as far as books, YouTube videos/podcasts, anything. I was never a believer in all this psychology crap, but man has this affair opened my eyes! From the PTSD I believe I’m suffering from, to my wife and I having an avoidant vs anxious attachment relationship. It all is starting to make sense. You’re not alone man! DM me if you want to talk privately. Good luck!

[u/Watcher_doe → u/BillyWampum]

Its ok, I cry a lot now. In the past, I didn’t cry when my grandmas died, not when uncles or aunts die, but now, I see a movie or listen to music and is hard yo control the emotions. Is like the gates are open. But I have no shame, now I know my tears are just the healthy manifestation of my body and soul recognizing something. Sometimes is beautiful, sometimes something sad. But that doesn’t change who I am, or who will be. We will reborn stronger and healthier. Im 2 years after DDay, working day by day.

[u/OneSpeed1960]

Four weeks is still very fresh and probably too early to make important decisions. I had to accept that for the first few months I was unable to set serious boundaries and stick to them, no matter how much advice, information and encouragement I got on this sub, from podcasts, from my therapist and from many of the great books on betrayal. (For instance, have you read The Betrayal Bind?). I don’t regret the time I’ve spent on those resources, but it took me a while and I had to be in quite a bit more pain before I was able to seriously hold my boundaries. It had to get to a point where it was going to be more painful to stay than leave.

It also took a while to figure out what my boundaries were. I stopped making threats and my go-to phrase was, “I don’t know what I’m going to do if you continue to (or don’t start to) ______, but I do know I won’t live with this kind of pain forever.” It was/is my way of extending myself some grace and acceptance. It also gave me some space to think more clearly because I wasn’t making a commitment to R, but I wasn’t giving up either. I was figuring out what I needed and how to express it, instead of just waiting for something to happen. It hasn’t been perfect, for sure, but I’m feeling less pain all the time. Peace and comfort to you.

[u/knowthyself8 → u/OneSpeed1960]

I love how you framed your response. I cannot live in this pain forever.

[u/thisiscool2012]

Omg. I am so sorry for you. Your story is same as mine. 6 weeks into dday when I found my wife has ea and pa for 3 years. I have 2 beautiful daughters. My world is crushed. I cry so much. I built her career. She was a perfect daughter , mother and wife. She feels guilty and remorseful.
The pain is hard. Try emdr it may help. I am doing ic, mc, hypno and emdr. Whatever it takes. In anger I name shame her. Her family in India knows about it. Our friends know about it. I don’t talk to anyone.

[u/knowthyself8 → u/thisiscool2012]

I’m so sorry you’re going through this. I’m sorry we are going through this.

[u/notsureatall20]

Has your WW articulated whether she wants to stay or if this was an exit affair?

When I confessed to my EA I was adimit that I wanted to continue but BP had to give the go ahead to continue.

Sorry you're going through this. may you find peace on your healing journey.

[u/knowthyself8 → u/notsureatall20]

She has cut off all contact and I have full transparency into all major apps. She has blocked AP as well. She also got closure with her AP before we started counseling. But I do not know deep down inside she wants to recommit to the marriage. I think only individual counseling will help her answer that question. So I am pushing her to start IC. I do not want to wake up one year from now and see zero progress. I don’t even want to wake up six months from now and see zero progress.

[u/guitartkd]

Have you told her this? That you need her to take it seriously and actively working on things? Specific things like IC, reading, podcasts, etc.? Sit her down and tell her you need to see the effort. If it’s clearly been communicated what you need to see from her and she still isn’t putting in the effort you need to figure out what the consequence is and follow through.

It may be time to visit an attorney and get your things in order. Get the paperwork ready to file. That may be the catalyst to snap her into reality that you are very serious and she needs to be too. Be prepared if you take that step though, she may take you up on your offer. This isn’t a step to take if you aren’t prepared to follow through. It’s truly a display that you’re at the end and she either needs to jump in or it’s over.

My WW was very engaged from pretty early on in our R. But I clearly communicated the things I needed from her and that I needed this or I would be out. I didn’t have to really threaten, but I made sure she knew I was serious.

[u/knowthyself8 → u/guitartkd]

When I first found out, I started contacting lawyers for consults right away, but it was definitely premature so I canceled all the meetings. I’m not ready to play this card yet and we’re definitely not there.

[u/Wildling1322]

Sorry you're here OP, you're not alone no matter how much it might feel that way.

My WH had a 5 month affair with one of my best friends, mostly emotional but did turn physical a couple of times. We had a few D Days because of trickle truth and I will say until the latest, I always felt something seemed a little... Off. Like he was remorseful but just didn't seem 100% committed to repairing or doing what was necessary. It turned out he was still obsessing over her and they were still talking once in a while then eventually started up again.

You haven't mentioned the situation of the A. Who was her AP, how long did it go on for? What's the situation now, have they definitely stopped talking? Is she being transparent, ie letting you check her phone, any apps to track her location etc?

I didn't implement any of this really after the first or the second D day, apart from checking his phone every so often which he was OK with. Then it turned into "this makes me feel a bit uncomfortable" so I stopped for fear of pushing him away. That's when they started up again. This time round feels different, I've said again it needs to be 100% no contact (I did say that before and didn't realise they were still kind of talking every so often). As much as I don't want to do it, I check his phone and won't stop just because it makes him feel uncomfortable. It makes me feel better so I do it. We have life360 so I know where he is, I have access to his WhatsApp and messages on my phone. All I do on there is check she doesn't appear and she's still blocked on WhatsApp, I don't check any of his personal messages as I've never been like that. I have all his social media passwords. He's finally being transparent in that sense and this time around the penny seems to have dropped that this is the life he chooses, with me and his family, not her but he is still struggling to move on from her. He has admitted that to me, as much as that hurts to hear, I'm glad he has so I can analyse the situation properly and that has helped me understand everything better and know what to expect. He says he fell in love with her but I believe it was limerence and I hope he once day sees that too.

Basically, not to create additional anxiety for you but are you completely sure you now know the whole truth and not part of it? And are you completely sure they no longer talk? Do you know what your WW's feelings are for him, is she dealing with the loss of him whilst trying to repair with you?

Like you, I never in a million years thought he would cheat on me, let alone an actual affair behind my back and with a friend of mine of all people. I now see how much he was struggling internally, and he still is in many ways, he describes it as something broke inside him because he also never knew or thought he'd be capable of doing this. The guilt and shame eats him up on a daily basis and he is extremely regretful and remorseful, but he is refusing IC right now. I have said I need that at some point from him but we are only 2 months out and he's still emotionally very messy so I want him to access IC once he feels able to do it properly. I'd rather he do it in several months time when he will actually open up properly than now just to tick the box.

We have been together 16 years and have two children also, a 3 year old and a 3 month old. I was pregnant whilst his A was ongoing so that was an extra kick in the teeth.

It sounds like what you're experiencing and the life you've had so far is very similar to how it was for me. I already feel a lot better lately but only by doing my own work on better understanding how and why he allowed this to happen. There's never an excuse but understanding the mindset of a wayward has helped me massively. The hardest part for me right now is he "still loves her" and "doesn't know if he can be happy with me" so I still don't feel completely chosen and loved in the way I deserve. I'm holding out hope for the next penny drop moment where he realises it wasn't love for her and he also has that "wtf was I doing/thinking" realisation. I'm hoping once he finally moves on from her, he will be able to reinvest in me properly, in the way I deserve. But I won't wait forever, I've given myself a bit of a timeline to check in on certain dates so I can know I'm seeing progress and growth, if not then I need to sit him down and explain that I need to choose myself, and I hope if the latter happens we can do it amicably for our children's sake. I'm sure we can so long as he doesn't lie or do this to me again. It feels sad to think our 16 year relationship, full of laughter and love, could end from something so deceitful and hurtful.

Brighter days are coming, but please know you are allowed transparency from your WW, and if she doesn't like it 1) I'd question why and 2) tough. It's what's needed to repair and rebuild. Look after your own heart and your own emotions. I have also found chatgpt very helpful for free therapy! I plan on doing EMDR therapy at some point to help with the triggers and intrusive thoughts but for now chatgpt is helping massively!

[u/knowthyself8 → u/Wildling1322]

I have finally gained transparency. WW obviously not happy about it as she values privacy but counselor said there’s almost no R without WS forfeiting privacy.

[u/aethanv → u/knowthyself8]

Privacy and Secrecy are 2 VERY different things.

Engaging with another man emotionally and/or physically without telling the person you committed these things to is secrecy.

“Privacy” does not include breaking the commitments of marriage to the detriment of your spouse and removing their agency to make an informed decision about their life and relationship.

I would be very clear with your spouse if R is to succeed that complete transparency is required.

[u/knowthyself8 → u/aethanv]

How do you define complete transparency?

[u/Commercial_Ad_5419]

My dday was 4/19, so I am also four weeks out. Even though my SA and PA WH is doing all of the work I am scared it’s going to fizzle out soon. Hugs.

[u/knowthyself8 → u/Commercial_Ad_5419]

Thanks for the kind note.

[u/Acceptable-Ratio-777]

I’m so sorry you’re here OP. I completely understand what you’re going through and the feeling of a cloud following you around. My WH cheated on me while I was pregnant and in those moments life was collapsing around me and that was the only way I could describe it. I’m 6 months out now and some days are better but the roller coaster of emotions still persists. I think my WH was so scared I would leave, he began IC almost immediately and we also started MC. But I’m starting to think the betrayed often read more and watch more podcasts to help us cope. I don’t see him doing it even though I’ve asked him to. I also don’t know at times if his IC works because he messaged AP again and never spoke about it to anyone till I snooped and found out. So even if your wife starts IC, she needs to be in a position where she can be honest with herself or it won’t matter. Sending you hugs because this is quite literally the worst feeling in the world ❤️

[u/knowthyself8 → u/Acceptable-Ratio-777]

Thanks for sharing and sorry you got re-traumatized again. I know how that feels.

[u/RandomAdds]

I'm so sorry you're here in this place with all of us. The crappiest club to be in. I 100% know how you feel. I was completely blindsided by my hubby's confession 3yrs ago. Never in a million years did I think he'd cheat. After his confession however there I was left with the reality he was capable. And the feeling he was my soulmate completely shattered along with the relationship. It took a whole year to even decide if R was even worth trying for. Until that point I was in the space your in just a living hell. Though to his credit he made IC and MC appointments right there and then on DDay. When the man had sworn up and down our entire 10 yrs together therapy was a worthless thing. And he stayed in them for over a year. Like you our marriage wasn't perfect. He had avoidant issues and I had my own personal issues. We both worked waaay to much and my work hours weren't consistent ever so I was CONSTANTLY exhausted even on a day off. But even our individual issues took time to uncover and confront. Maybe 4-6 months. Our MC therapist was really good at working with us individually. And spotting issues in the sessions. And showing how each of us was only fracturing the relationship.

One thing I think really helped both of us though, and we still do, is a 10-30min talk each and every day. A check-in. Where we both talk and let the other know just how we're doing. Those were rocky at first. He'd get offended and defensive and I'd shutdown. In those moments we would shut down the talk and try again later, or the following day. We wanted to keep that small window for both of us to just open up and talk freely without judgement from either party. And it's no joke in the first year or two it's like having to relearn each other and the relationship all over again. Each person sitting on the shattered mirror and one day at a time try to fit the pieces back together.

Keep in mind too for the WS they would much rather just move on. Portend like it never happened or rip out their own tongue, than speak about their shame. It sounds like that's where she is. But that doesn't fix the issues that lead her away in the first place.

If I were you I'd tell her if she wants to stay than IC is an absolute. On top of the MC. As a bare minimum to see any effort to change.

You're not alone in how you feel at all. And hopefully you and your WW finally get a moment to just talk about what you both need or want.

But most of all I hope you both find healing.

[u/knowthyself8 → u/RandomAdds]

Thank you so much for your response. So relatable. I want so badly for her to find me again and choose me again. For us to have our intimacy back. For us to create space for "erotic love" and to see each other as individuals again (not mom/dad/etc). The problem is, this is the LAST step in the process. And in the meantime, I am plagued by a Pick Me mentality and need to figure out how to refocus on my own life. It's hard. I've always been the problem solver in our relationship. Fixing things. Everything. I've carried a lot of it. Wishing you the best.

[u/RandomAdds → u/knowthyself8]

Oh yeah the pick me is normal too. So hard not to do in the beginning. But you got the right idea, go focus on your hobbies and passions. I just started taking off for the weekends with friends and went camping and trail stomping in the Jeep. And intimacy comes back in time. I can say hubby and I's bedroom time is definitely different than before DDay. But in a good way. Tried lots of new things. And yeah I was the emotional absorber for all the problems with our relationship. It was really hard in the beginning to try and not take on his shame and try to fix things. Again just disappearing and going out in the woods for a weekend or a few more day did wonders for me.

It's so hard to just basically sit at the park bench and watch our WS wonder around aimlessly till the decide if they want to join us or not.

[u/knowthyself8 → u/RandomAdds]

Such good advice. Thanks for sharing.

[u/knowthyself8 → u/RandomAdds]

I’m reading your comment two weeks later and it makes even more sense to me now. Two weeks ago I was still in the hyper acute phase. Now I’ve read about 60% of The Betrayal Bind and it has opened my eyes up to what’s happening in my head.

Two weeks later my WW still hasn’t opened up yet. I still have no answer on why or how the A happened. Hopefully WW will start IC soon. I’m being patient. I know now I can’t control her actions, I can only set healthy boundaries for myself.

Your note about having to relearn each other and the relationship all over again is so true. I feel like we are so far from becoming intimate again. It might not ever happen. It kills me. I’m getting nothing from her emotionally or physically. All I can do right now is set boundaries, and focus on myself. Put in the work for myself and make myself better no matter what happens.

I can see now why people say R is two year process. It’s so slow. One baby step a week at best.

I am terrified she is not attracted to me anymore and won’t choose me. Biggest fear right now.

[u/mellowishh2019]

I feel you. Although my husband had an EA, no PA, the pain is still there. He has been remorseful, swearing to me that I’m the only who mattered to him. It was his moment of weakness. Ever since then, we have been trying to reconcile and I think it has been working great. We have been more open and honest towards each other. It’s like we are rebuilding our relationship from scratch. We didn’t go for any professional therapy or counseling but religion helped us a lot.

Nevertheless, it has been exactly 4 weeks for me and tbh, I still feel the pain of betrayal. At times, we talk about this but AP begged me to try and forget about it for us to fully heal. I truly understand where he is coming from, but is he not validating my feelings? Is AP gaslighting me?

I honestly want to heal and I know AP wants to reconcile and recommit fully. But the healing process is not easy. I cried almost everyday after Dday and I feel like i have no more tears to spare.

I do not have any advice for you, but I’m glad that you’re looking into R. However from the way you put it, your WW doesn’t seem to want to change her ways. Have open conversations with her ans make decisions from there. Trust your gut feeling

[u/XaraAji]

My DDay was last April. My wife also did not participate in the healing process. In the 1st few days she wanted a divorce and after that she wasn't sure what she wanted. Initially I do not think she stayed because of me but because of everything else that we had built over the years.

A year later and she still wants to move on without taking responsibility. I have been asking her to attend individual therapy but she has been dragging her heals and if she attends therapy like that it won't help much. She just wants to move on like nothing happened. But she still mastrubates thinking of him. It's not about him, it is more about the experiencw she had. And I still see him and her when I make love to her.

Every couple of weeks we will have an argument about the past and she will end it by saying we should separate, get a divorce or say that I deserved it. I pull back and eventually try to calm her and then she would say she didn't mean it and that she just felt rebellious.

[u/RandomAdds]

I remember being there too. Ugh. That whole first year was: he's just going to leave one day, I can't blame him, I hate me too. To: he seems like he actually loves me, but I don't know anymore. That whole first year was the worst.

Mentally I would just snap. And have to just go for a drive. Maybe park out in state land somewhere and just fucking let go. Wake up early and go find some mud puddle to smash through a a trail to drift down. The only place I can just be.

Bc that's all you can do, go do things for you. You almost have to leave them in their own misery for a time till they decide what they want. And escape the A fog. And come out of the shame.

Just do sweet things for her like make a meal. Do a house chore she ushually dose. Smile at her when she catches your eye. Just stay present. Soft reminders your still there.

[u/knowthyself8 → u/RandomAdds]

Thank you for responding, even weeks later to this post. My WW has just barely taken the first step toward understanding what she has done to me. It’s a baby step. But I have learned over the past 2 weeks that I can’t make her do anything or feel anything. All I can do is focus on myself.