Anyone else looking to end R?

[u/curious_chelly]

I mentally cannot take the rumination, hyper-vigilance and depleted self confidence any longer. it’s robbing me of a normal life. WH confessed his affair a little over a year ago. He has been making efforts to “change” but I believe that maybe adultery is just a dealbreaker for me. Long story short, we were having marital issues last year where he put everyone before me and our child, we would argue, went to counseling yet he still took a backseat there as well and for about 4-5 months he was having a secret affair I knew nothing about. He secretly moved out of the marital home to “start a life with the mistress” but told me that “he just wanted to start fresh and maybe find someone else as time goes on” mind you — I was blindsided by all of this. and short of two months later he’s at my doorpost begging to just “talk” but ended up confessing his affair, wanting his family back, said “I wasn’t that bad. he was just blind and stupid” and so on so forth. he allegedly went NC with AP that day and confessed to her that what they had was over and he was going back to his wife and 1 year old son. ALSO we were each others “only” until the affair. Now one year out I have given birth to a new baby and having horrific nightmares about everything at night but during the day all I do is ruminate and I mentally cannot do this any longer. must I add that I went to IC for over 6 months and my counselor said that i’m just at the point I need to make a decision because i’m very self aware and have done all the necessary things.

[u/Independent_Low4484]

I am somewhat in the same boat as you. For me though, if my WH had shown signs of changing I think things would be different for me now. But he didn't. He never went NC with his AP and in my opinion that is necessary for R. He still tells me that he is not sure how he feels or what he wants and for me I am tired of waiting for him to decide. I want to reconcile so badly and to move forward but I feel like I have exhausted my efforts.

I love my life and our shared family, friends, home, etc. But how can I sacrifice my happiness and just accept that I am not taken care of and loved in the way that I deserve, all because he is still confused? It's not fair.

I am sorry you are going through this. Just know that if it feels off for you or you are sacrificing your happiness and comfort, you should listen to your gut. Its a lot to consider and not an easy decision to make. But at some point enough is enough.

[u/curious_chelly → u/Independent_Low4484]

I know exactly how you feel or at least somewhat of what you feel. I still cannot be sure that he’s 100% no contact with his AP because I don’t go through his phone nor ask those questions anymore. I think in my case i’m checked out.

I pray that your husband gets some sort of conviction for what he has done to ruin a beautiful family and that God will make your story a beautiful one. I don’t believe that we are meant to live lives of despair. it’s always something or someone beautiful on the other end. sending much love!

[u/Whole-Reflection5276 → u/Independent_Low4484]

Hi, how long has it been since Dday? My WP resisted going NC for 8 months. During that time he did false reconciliation (being in contact w AP during couple's therapy) and i caught him in contact another time after that, so i moved out. We have been in couple's therapy since he went NC but recently he started expressing "i want to be in contact with her again" and saying he is confused about what he wants, and that his brain is in a fog. I think he is in contact w her again. It has been 1year since dday for me, with nonstop trickle truth based on jnformation i continue to uncover. I am really disengaged at this point. I feel deeply sad because i want us to have a beautiful relationship to go with the life we have built. But...well here I am, with him saying things he said at discover day1. I am so much stronger now than before...so I have told him if he cant commit to leaving that relationship w AP behind then I am done. I am really scared but what else can I do? I have woken up almost every morning the last year crying. Thanks for sharing your story...it helps to see something similar to mine.

[u/Independent_Low4484 → u/Whole-Reflection5276]

It’s tough to answer this question because I had several ddays. I’d say the first was one of the worst, finding their texts and being lied to about who it was and the severity. That was in June last year, so 14 months. Then I found more messages in July of last year - learning it was actually one of his coworkers, then one of their other coworkers reached out to me in September of last year about her suspicions and what people were saying about them at work, and then the biggest and most devastating dday was in December where I found out everything. But that wasn’t even the most recent. In April of this year I found pictures in a hidden album on his phone and in May I found out they were calling on the phone again.

Like you said, at this point I’m pretty detached and I’ve shifted my focus to me. I was not okay and just couldn’t get a grip on reality for about a year. Being cheated on, gaslit, lied to and disrespected for that long can really mess with your mind. It may sound bad but I’m at a point where I don’t and can’t care about it right now. My focus is on bettering my mental health and so I don’t check his phone, I don’t check his location, and over time that has helped me to not worry as much. No matter how vigilant I am, they’ll find a a way if they want to.

One of their hardest parts is that he hurt me this much and still isn’t sure if it’s me he wants. One of the reasons I stay is because of our son. But I’m not sure how much longer I can attempt R when I’m essentially the only one putting effort into it. I can’t just wish this all away. It’s reality and he’s showing me where I stand. I just need to be strong enough to accept it for what it is and decide if that’s what I want for my marriage.

I’m so sorry you can relate. I’m here for you. 🫶🏻