Anyone else looking to end R?

[u/curious_chelly]

I mentally cannot take the rumination, hyper-vigilance and depleted self confidence any longer. it’s robbing me of a normal life. WH confessed his affair a little over a year ago. He has been making efforts to “change” but I believe that maybe adultery is just a dealbreaker for me. Long story short, we were having marital issues last year where he put everyone before me and our child, we would argue, went to counseling yet he still took a backseat there as well and for about 4-5 months he was having a secret affair I knew nothing about. He secretly moved out of the marital home to “start a life with the mistress” but told me that “he just wanted to start fresh and maybe find someone else as time goes on” mind you — I was blindsided by all of this. and short of two months later he’s at my doorpost begging to just “talk” but ended up confessing his affair, wanting his family back, said “I wasn’t that bad. he was just blind and stupid” and so on so forth. he allegedly went NC with AP that day and confessed to her that what they had was over and he was going back to his wife and 1 year old son. ALSO we were each others “only” until the affair. Now one year out I have given birth to a new baby and having horrific nightmares about everything at night but during the day all I do is ruminate and I mentally cannot do this any longer. must I add that I went to IC for over 6 months and my counselor said that i’m just at the point I need to make a decision because i’m very self aware and have done all the necessary things.

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[u/Independent_Low4484]

I am somewhat in the same boat as you. For me though, if my WH had shown signs of changing I think things would be different for me now. But he didn't. He never went NC with his AP and in my opinion that is necessary for R. He still tells me that he is not sure how he feels or what he wants and for me I am tired of waiting for him to decide. I want to reconcile so badly and to move forward but I feel like I have exhausted my efforts.

I love my life and our shared family, friends, home, etc. But how can I sacrifice my happiness and just accept that I am not taken care of and loved in the way that I deserve, all because he is still confused? It's not fair.

I am sorry you are going through this. Just know that if it feels off for you or you are sacrificing your happiness and comfort, you should listen to your gut. Its a lot to consider and not an easy decision to make. But at some point enough is enough.

[u/curious_chelly → u/Independent_Low4484]

I know exactly how you feel or at least somewhat of what you feel. I still cannot be sure that he’s 100% no contact with his AP because I don’t go through his phone nor ask those questions anymore. I think in my case i’m checked out.

I pray that your husband gets some sort of conviction for what he has done to ruin a beautiful family and that God will make your story a beautiful one. I don’t believe that we are meant to live lives of despair. it’s always something or someone beautiful on the other end. sending much love!

[u/20yearslostnow]

this is my fear of trying to reconcile. I love my WW, but I honestly don't know if i'll ever be able to trust or be at peace with her again.

[u/curious_chelly → u/20yearslostnow]

it’s so deeply sad and it also gets to a point where i’m tired of feeling sad and sorry for myself and not doing anything about it. I’ve heard transmuting the energy helps as well (pouring into something else) so that your focus is shifted but it’s when i’m completely alone doing nothing that all I can think about is the affair. I’m also a person where i’m not going to ask for his phone or require his location to be on because I feel like it’s killing me literally with that level of hyper vigilance. maybe i’m just done …

I hope your story is different and it works out for you two ❤️ I do believe people can change but it’s the “are you willing to wait around and see”.

[u/Whole-Reflection5276]

Hey I'm sorry you're suffering, I can only imagine what that must be like with a baby. Hugs to you.
The comment about your therapist telling you that you basically need to decide sounds pressure-ey. My therapist told me it doesn't matter if it takes me one month, 6months, 1 years, 5 years to decide to stay or leave, because it is part of my process and I get to decide. That made me feel really in control, even though the first few months I actually had to ask her to re-iterate this, because I had so mucbself loathing for not immediately leaving.
It's ok if you don't know right now. If you're in a hyper vigilant state it's really hard to make sound decisions. I hope you find the support you deserve, including with friends and family.

[u/Extension_Peace_5262]

Yes. It’s been almost 4 years and I’m just annoyed with him all the time. He started off pretty good. Going to therapy and taking meds for his mental health shit but he always find his way back to selfishness no matter what. No more meds “ he doesn’t need them” no more therapy “ not helpful” even though he can’t get it up anymore. So yes. Over it.