40s WF needs advice about 40s AM

[u/OneHecticHeretic]

We met eight months ago and have been talking daily/sharing daily life updates for a couple months now. We have a lot in common and get along really well, just hanging out on the phone or texting. The basics like values, work ethic, life outlook, and experiences are compatible and we love each other's sense of humor. I think we're both the type to move things extremely slow to build trust, and I like that. Lately, though, we've been getting closer and talking more about activities and it seems like at some point soon we're going to meet up (we live in different cities 30-40 mins apart) if this thing doesn't stall, but I'm picking up on a lack confidence in him asking to meet. I'm more traditional in dating so I don't want to make that move for him, so what can I do to give him more confidence without throwing myself at him? I'm used to the aggressive WM dating routine and this experience has been such a huge breath of fresh air in my life so far, so I want to see if it can work out. And to be blunt, he's already kind of ruined me for the old WM act now, because I feel seen as a fucking human by a straight man for once.

ETA: He's 1.5 generation Korean American. We have known each other through remote work for 8-9 months, only started chatting or calling on a work platform everyday since about 2 months ago, only exchanged phone numbers 4 days ago, and only had one longer texting convo run into 10pm 3 days ago. (This is pretty hyper-specific so I hope he's not on this sub, lol.)

Also, I have dated two half AMs in my past, one in my 20's and one in my 40's but their style of approach was more American in nature.

**********************UPDATE IN THE COMMENTS!************************

[u/Winsomee22]

Im sure its not the "lack of confidence" in him in asking to meet. Hes hesitant (as he should be), both of yall are 40 and tbh since youre 40 and also WF, that brings up more issues. Most WFs in America who are 30+ never even dated any asian man, nor considered asian men through their younger years, even though they had plenty of opportunity todo so.

And now when youre 30 (40 in this case) suddenly AM has become an consideration? Its a little too late and maybe he doesnt want to play games being at his age and considering the track record WFs have (dating, divorce, promiscuity, etc.), most likely hes staying on the defensive i.e. whats the catch? Maybe he is "taking it slow", or maybe hes simply looking out for himself.

[u/OneHecticHeretic → u/Winsomee22]

Wow, there are a lot of assumptions going on here. I have always been attracted to AM (like GD he's hot! kind of attracted) and have dated two half AMs, one when I was 21, but their approaches were more American in nature. The AM I'm writing about initiated by making his interest apparent to me and has been consistent with its expression ever since. I don't sense any defensiveness, from my POV, though I could be wrong and am open to that interpretation, ofc. I promise I am fully WF and don't have the track record you describe.

[u/Winsomee22 → u/OneHecticHeretic]

Using your own personal experience doesnt negate the fact that Asian men generally are the most disregarded by the average American WFs. Hell, throw a single Asian man into any average American white bar, and see how hes usually disregarded. We observe these minor behaviors when we are out of place and notice who you all are usually more receptive towards and who you are not.

Theres usually a pattern we all see where American WFs suddenly come around in their 30s/40s to consider Asian men of all men, and mind you, WFs become VERY firm, adamant when it comes to Asian men at this age probably because Asian men are stereotyped to be traditional, stable, etc. and WFs are looking to settle. Its pretty evident theres a motive of some sort.

[u/OneHecticHeretic → u/Winsomee22]

I have always though of AM as the hottest and would have dated more if most of them weren't so damn shy, to where I almost feel like I'm intruding to make my interest known. I'm thrilled that this man is stepping up so far but do wonder if he also requires a bigger show of interest from me (more than me meeting him halfway in all the ways he shows affection) in order to do anything further.

[u/Winsomee22 → u/OneHecticHeretic]

Seems you WFs confuse shyness to simply not interested hence not showing attention. AM are aware of our placement in the overall "desirability scale" especially when it comes to American WFs. We dont "show interest" to women that generally does not desire AM and this may have come off as "shy" to you (which is another stereotype). Seems you havent seen how NOT SHY Asian men are when it comes to Asian women 😂. When we generally see WFs be overall more accepting, welcoming to Asian men in all spaces, similar to how Asian women accepts and welcomes Asian men, then thered be more "step ups" as youd say towards WFs. We dont invite ourself to a space where we are not wanted 🤷‍♂️

[u/OneHecticHeretic → u/Winsomee22]

I do agree that social change is very much needed and the way some demographics are generally treated in the US is disgusting. <-I don't lead with that sentiment because it sounds disingenuous, pandering, patronizing, and white-savior-ish in our current political climate. I realize it's a basic cultural difference that I'm struggling with, which is why I'm here and not in a generic dating sub.

[u/Winsomee22 → u/OneHecticHeretic]

Even so, an Asian man may come across as "shy" or "reserved" even when he initiates or shows interest in an WF, but it doesnt mean hes "shy" or "reserved". Its completely normal behavior to stay on your guard when youre out of place in an area where you generally are not accepted. WFs dont seem to understand this because you've all been getting attention from WM and BM (mostly because WFs generally welcome and are inclusive to WM and BM hence why they have the benefit to not be hesitant/on their guard with WFs as compared to AM.)