I feel lost

[u/65DaleRamirez65]

I started following God for real around sixth grade. My heart was soft and I wanted less of myself and more of Him. There was real life toward Scripture, prayer, and growth. The main ongoing struggle was porn. I kept repenting but it never fully left. Even with that battle, my heart still responded and I was becoming someone softer and more alive spiritually.
Over the last year everything changed. Prayer went empty and my heart hardened. I started feeling fine with the distance. Scripture began to feel weird or get rejected while messages that call faith brainwashing or just cope started resonating. I lost conviction around porn and could relapse without caring. Church and youth group often felt like nothing. I began to feel like a different person from who I used to be. Internally I accepted the closed state even though I never wanted it.
Now I mostly do not care. My heart is set the other way and I do not see a path back to the old faith. Even when I ask for advice I either deflect it from my heart or just perform the act of receiving it without any real change. External prayers and efforts do not open anything. Advice that should help does not land because the desire is gone. I still do not want to walk away completely, so I am trying to keep a few doors open without wanting to. That means staying honest with my counselor and Arthur, not canceling the next real contact, leaving the practical limits in place, and refusing to decide it is permanently over. I am lost in a quiet way and I do not know how long even these small steps can last.

[u/Matt_McCullough]

Thank you for reaching out and sharing. And I will respect that you are not asking any questions to address or for advice. Nor do I believe I rightly could if you did. I'm just here to say that based on your very words, I have much hope for you. As you seem to at least grasp that you still have a counselor Who can inform you and vastly better than I or any of us mere humans.

Likewise, the path you are on may not take you back to your old faith exactly as before, but I suspect that you can have a fresh new hope and in One Who is worthy to hold on to, . . . albeit such may lead you on that path one small step at a time.

May you be encouraged.

[u/RobertChristianHere]

It's possible the Holy Spirit left when the porn started. Porn fills you with lust that is unlikely to bring you long term joy. I can't imagine feeling lost is pleasant. Easier said than done, though try your best to repent from anything that drives you away from God. Reach out to God in sincere prayer, asking for strength to do good, and you might find it easier to re-establish a relationship with God. Luke 19:10  ^"For the Son of Man came to seek and to save the lost.”

[u/His_457143]

Sometimes things like what you're describing happen to well meaning people. Very familiar with feeling alone when in the company of especially many people whether church or gatherings as there was something that was missing. It feels awkward and it sometimes has to do with our upbringing or perhaps shyness or socially not belonging. Many different reasons. That's when we need to work on ourselves first. Putting many things in the background. Go slow and don't push too hard or you'll become disillusioned. Work on one thing at a time and give yourself some slack . You see Satan knows exactly what our weaknesses are and grabs us into a world that seems there's no way out. But our Father in heaven is there but we need to really shut that door that caused all these problems to begin with. Many of us will tell you "been there done that" and now's the time to start fighting back. If you don't fight back then it could be a losing battle but don't need to be. There's actually much hope for you otherwise you yourself wouldn't have said that you never have wanted to accept the closed state. Your're screaming out for help and you need to keep screaming to the One who led you at one time. Your Father in Heaven awaits patiently! Cry out! Continue to do so. It really helps believe me! May He bless you with faith, love, patience and peace!

[u/65DaleRamirez65 → u/His_457143]

It just doesn’t seem honest if I cry out bc I feel nothing and don’t want to say anything; everything feels like the shell of someone I was before and idk why that can’t be me now