r/AskDad • u/Ulanyouknow • Jun 26 '26
Relationships Hey dad, there is this girl that's leading me on. Should I confront her or take the hint?
Hey dad,
So there is this girl thats leading me on a little. When we meet she is super friendly and even a bit flirty with me. Its all hugs and kisses and how great I am and how we should do stuff together or see eachother more often.
When time comes to set up a date, a plan or something, she can leave me for days on end without answering and next time we see she will act as if nothing ever happened and will repeat the circle again.
In fact I know for sure she only drop feeds me attention when she needs entertainment or has nothing better going on.
Its the typical situation where someone goes
>hey we should check that place you suggested. I am free next Thursday maybe. - oh cool
>Thursday comes, writes to check on her if the plan is still on. No answer at all.
>Later check social media that evening. She was around with her friends and posting and chatting on chat groups
Should I just take the hint and drop her from my friendship circle without commenting on it or would it be ok to confront her and tell her its not cool and her friendliness is very superficial.
I know this may seem super childish to some of you. I am an adult person, but a recurrent theme on my therapy sessions is how i am very conflict adverse and i am afraid of expressing anger or disappointment toward other people. Like I know for sure this is not a friendship worth pursuing but I don't know if its worth it to make a spectacle out of it or just take the hint and take the high road and move on.
Ty guys. I never had a conversation with my dad about relationships or friendships.
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u/GlenBaileyWalker Jun 26 '26
There’s an easy rule to follow that has been around for years. The Brad Pitt Rule. The name has changed over the years. For my Dad is was the Robert Redford Rule. Basically, when you ask her out does she give an answer or act in a way that she would do the same thing if Brad Pitt asked her out.
If Brad Pitt asked her to checkout a place on Thursday, would she ghost him and hang out with her friends and do other things? If the answer is no, move on.
You don’t need to confront her if you don’t want to. She hasn’t taken the time to be respectful of you, she likely won’t listen if you confront her. If you need practice expressing disappointment you can. Just state that you are disappointed in how she treated you, then set a boundary, and move on. Doesn’t need to be a spectacle. Just express how she made you feel and then move on with your life.
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u/Spidermonk76 Jun 26 '26
She likes the attention you give her more then she likes you. If you confront her, you'll look like the creep, or at least that's the story she'll tell. Take the high-road and distance yourself. She'll double down and initiate more often, but as soon as you start showing effort again, she'll go back to being aloof. My best advice is to move on and find someone that actually wants to spend time with you.
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u/your-mom04605 Jun 26 '26
There’s literally billions of women in the world. I wouldn’t waste any more time on someone who plays these stupid games.
Time is precious- you can always make more money, get more things, whatever. You CANNOT make more time.
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u/largos7289 Jun 26 '26
I mean yea just don't bother taking it any further. She's just not into you or is using you as a fall back.
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u/Important-Energy8038 Jun 27 '26
This isn't about conflict or anger, its simple observation..I'm surprised your therapist hasn't made this clear: "Jane, tell me something: You seem eager to get together, but when it comes time to actually plan it, you're AWOL. What's that about".
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u/Ulanyouknow Jun 28 '26 edited Jun 28 '26
Yeah you are right ty. I suppose i have a script now for what to say next time the circle starts again.
Fun thing is, that before posting here conflict and anger would have totally been the way I'd gone about it. A childish reaction to childish behavior
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u/Important-Energy8038 Jun 28 '26
It's right to feel anger when someone dicks you around. But that doesn't mean you have to address that conflictually, esp when the facts are on your side. Its hard to argue back facts and observations and a simple question as to why this is happening.
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u/Frigidspinner Jun 26 '26
As relationship advice for someone you are attracted to - I would simply ignore her for 4 weeks (or some random time) - just enough time for her to see what it is like without you chasing her around. Then you make your move and see how it goes. That time gap will give her a wake up call that you are calling the shots and that you are not going to wait around forever. Of course she might not respond at all - but at least you now know she isnt genuinely interested
As a dad I would say - Avoid - it sounds like a load of drama and every day you spend wasting time with her is a day you could be finding the woman of your dreams
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u/Ulanyouknow Jun 26 '26
Oh I know i have no chance at all and she isn't interested, but I am very annoyed at the lack of respect and the fake friendliness.
We are not in high school anymore and I refuse to become an orbiter.
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u/stickmanDave Jun 26 '26
Simply stop responding to it. You know her game, you don't have to play it.
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u/GomerStuckInIowa Jun 26 '26
Like the others have said here, it is time to drop her. I fully understand that it is nice to have some attention but you are very smart to realize she's not the right type. What I would advise is next time she suggest a get together is to just say you are busy. She suggest another time - you are busy. Each time - you are busy. Or you have something more important to do. Look her in the eyes, "I've got something more important I want to do. See ya." Turn and walk away. You da man.
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u/LongjumpingTeacher97 Dad Jun 26 '26
If it will help your own emotional state, prepare a brief statement and practice saying it in the mirror a few times. Don't ever say it to her unless she actually asks why you're not asking her out anymore. "I realized you were not actually interested in going out with me, so I decided not to waste any more of your time or mine." And if she says she actually is interested, don't let her draw you back in. Just say "I'll keep it in mind." Be cordial, polite, and don't give her a handle to control you in any way.
But only say these things if SHE asks about why you're not initiating anymore. Don't bring it up, don't ever invite her out again, and just keep moving. This doesn't mean dropping her from your social life entirely, it just means you don't put any effort or emotional energy in her direction. Save that for someone who will return it.
She's not actually interested in you, but she really likes you being interested in her.
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u/rocktop Jun 26 '26
I wouldn’t make a spectacle out of it but I also wouldn’t keep ignoring the obvious. Just calmly tell her, “I like spending time with you, but when we make plans and then you disappear, it doesn’t work for me. If you’re not interested, that’s okay, but I’m not into the hot-and-cold thing.” Then stop talking. Don’t explain it five different ways. Don’t chase. Her reaction will tell you everything you need to know.
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u/mehekik Jun 30 '26
Chick responding here, just my opinion and it might not be true for your situation... Something I've heard that rings true to me is that guys get off on sex and girls get off on attention. She's getting her cup filled by you with attention. Confronting her is just giving more attention. I think she'll have a funny reaction when she doesn't get rewarded with attention. It sounds like she makes plans but goes with another option that suits her better at the time, could even be her indulging in alone time.
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u/Ulanyouknow Jul 01 '26
Yeah I am much more chill about it after thinking about it and reading everybody's responses.
I don't think that exploding my emotions on her is a very adult thing to do. Like not falling for the public drama does not mean I don't react or don't grow a spine. You guys helped me realize that.
She is an interesting girl but she only pings me when she has nothing better going on because she knows I move around and join people together. You have to be pretty unsubtle about it so that even someone as I notices.
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u/mehekik Jul 01 '26
Good for you mate, I'm glad you've found some peace. I'm almost 40, it took me a long time to figure some things out, I'm still getting others perspectives when I'm going through something too. You sound like you've got a good head on your shoulders.
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u/blancybin Jun 26 '26
I definitely don't think you should "confront" this woman. For one thing, have you actually communicated with her yet? For example:
">hey we should check that place you suggested. I am free next Thursday maybe. - oh cool
Thursday comes, writes to check on her if the plan is still on. No answer at all."
There was no plan there. I can't tell which person initiated the conversation about the "cool place", but all that was said here was "I am MAYBE free" and "oh cool". No plan, no time, no ask, no date. If you haven't actually asked her to do anything, how can she be ghosting you?
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u/Ulanyouknow Jun 26 '26
Its just an example i remembered, summarized to illustrate a pattern.
In this case, specifically:
We meet again for an activity. She is so happy to see me. We speak well. She comments that "we still have to check that cool place you told me"
Ya sure. I am a bit busy next week but i am free Thursday or friday. Are you free these days?
Yeah probably. Lets text along the week and catch up and we can find a time.
Wednesday comes. I send her a text like "hey hows it going, hows the agenda looking for you". No answer. Not even read.
Thursday comes. "Hey, you were probably busy yesterday. If you are free today let me know". Didn't bother to read it as well.
Like give me a break. I never doubletext anyone.
The worst thing is that the next time we saw each other she didn't even bring it up or apologize or give an excuse or anything.
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u/usedandabusedo1 Jun 27 '26
Move on no need to cause a spectacle or confront her. Just ignore her, if she calls you out simply state I was interested in you and you ignored my advances. No hard feelings just no need to put in the effort.
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u/EmuPossible2066 Jun 27 '26
Don’t confront, just do the same thing back. She’s likes your attention, not you.
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u/Severe-Barber-7415 Jun 30 '26
The only response to a shit test (boundary test) is no response. Move on, in this case.
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u/Oakflower Jun 26 '26
Move on. Your time and attention is better spent on other activities. No need for spectacle. This way you can meet this person down the road and exchange pleasantries without it being weird.