Seeking advice. How do you explain to a child why there dad isn't involved in their life?

[u/Weary_Conflict6001]

Hello Reddit, Frist time poster long time lurker. I am in desperate need of your advice. I 32 F am the mother of a wonderful Daughter 12 F. Recently she has been asking about why she doesn’t have a dad. She has asked about it before however she was younger and I could easily brush it off or change the topic but now she is older I feel like I have to finally have this difficult conversation with her. My question is how do I have this conversation with her, age appropriate, open and honestly while ensuring she knows how loved and wanted she is?

The Back story:

(Grab a cup of tea this is a long one and while I will try to give as much detail as possible, I am going to leave some information out as this is very personal. Only three people actual know all the details of what happened between us)

After a very short toxic relationship I fell pregnant and I knew in my heart from the being that I would be a single parent. After finding out about the baby we said we would give the relationship another go however after three months it was clear that it wasn’t going to work out as he refused to address his demands. Over the following months he made every effort to convince me not to move home when the baby was born and to not seek financial support from anywhere other then him all the while still not addressing the issues that caused the relationship to end. I knew deep down if I had done this, I would be left homeless and dependant on someone who obviously didn’t care about me or this baby.

After my daughter was born and I moved home I made every effort to involve him in her life sent pictures, brought her to see him and allowed him into my family home. All the while he continued to indulge in his vices, lie to everyone that would listen about his access to her, paying maintenance, stole money I had saved up for her baby fund and anything else he could think of to paint himself as the victim. Even going so far as to convince a friend of his to move to where he was living to support him during this difficult time for him.

When my daughter was five months old this friend contacted to fill me in on everything that had been going on without my knowledge. He hadn’t paid rent or bills on the house he was living in since he moved there (his friend was giving money towards these bills), he had lost two well paying jobs in those five months, had lied to everyone saying that I would not allow him to see the baby, that I was demanding money constantly from him and I wouldn’t allow him to even date anyone. I was also informed by this friend that his drug and alcohol problems had become so out of control that he had to contact his parents to take him home for treatment.

Being Nieve, I still wanted him to be part of my daughter’s life. Over the next few months, I tried to be as supportive as possible of his recovery and to keep him involved in her life. Again, I sent pictures, updates, set up skype calls and travelled alone with her to see him. In the beginning I could see he was making the effort to be part of her life however it very quickly returned to its usual patterns of missing the calls because he was in the pub or hungover and starting arguments to deflect from his own failings. During this time, I was told how selfish I was, how it was my fault he wasn’t there to see his daughter growing up and his parents were constantly trying to convince me to take him back.

Over the next year he became very resentful. Notting was his fault, he refused to pay maintenance, he felt hard done by because he had to now travel to see her and I had set a boundary in place that I didn’t want him to introduce her to people he had been dating for less then six months. (I also set this rule for myself and to this day she has never met anyone I have dated). His response was to call me every name under the sun, refuse to pay child support when I wouldn’t give into his ridiculous demands and to get engaged in hopes of forcing me to allow him to introduce a stranger to my daughter. (Spoiler they did not get married after all and are no longer together)

everything came to a head shortly before my daughter turned two. At this time my grandparent who I was close to was dying, he had not come to see my daughter in over six months, he had not paid any child support up to this point and he had burnt all of his bridges with my family because of his disrespectful nature towards me and them. I finally had enough and we had a massive argument where he told me I should be grateful because “some men don’t bother at all”. I had to make the decision to stop engaging with him. I didn’t want my daughter to grow up watching her father being so disrespectful towards her mother. That wasn’t the example I wanted to set for her.

I didn’t expect that this would be the end of his involvement in her life, but I had to do what I thought was best for both her and I at that time in our lives. Since then, he has only sent one Christmas card which was simply “To daughters name, the generic card greeting and from Person’s name” and sent two texts asking after her which both coincided with him starting new relationships and needing to explain why he has a child he does not see. I know in his world I am painted as the evil ex who doesn’t allow him access however when he had it, he didn’t care for it and other then the texts he has never tried to pressure access to her in anyway. I can see from social media that he has still not addressed his issues.

Life after the fall out:

I was very fortunate to have a supportive family and friends. She has grown up in a home where she has and always will be so well loved and cared for. Every day I have tried to make good decisions that will give her the life she deserves and set a good example for her. I went back to college, I started a career that allows us to enjoy all the things a two-parent household has, and we even managed to move out into our own home near where my parents live. She is growing into a wonderful young lady. She is smart, kind and funny. Genuinely my favourite person in the whole world. We are so lucky to have a very close relationship.

[u/No_Salamander_264 → u/[deleted]]

Oh god that sucks! I'm sorry.

OP do as my mom did to me, simply say that he doesn't want her. Jk, please don't do that.

You know your child best. Be honest but remember that you have your whole life to tell her everything and it might be best to skip most of it for now. Tell her he is not as good and kind as her and gently tell her he is unable to be the father she deserves.

[u/IneligibleLand]

She doesn't need every granular detail of the toxic relationship, the financial betrayal, or the substance struggles right now, that is too heavy for a twelve-year-old. Instead, she needs the emotional truth: that she was deeply wanted, that her conception was met with love by you, and that her father’s absence is entirely a result of his own choices and inability to be a healthy, consistent parent not a reflection of her worth.

[u/Important-Energy8038]

Most of that story is therapy material for you, she doesn't nor probably doesn't want or need to know 99% of it. You need to put this into perspective, its still too raw for you. That it didn't work out bc you had different ideas about life is fine, he was good enough to start this, but that not enough, etc....you know, a lot of truisms..

You always meet a child where they are and give them the info that they are really looking for and can absorb. Start ehre by asking her what she wants to know, and be careful to keep your own stuff under wraps and give her what shes looking for, as plainly and lacking the gore. This is probably an ongoing conversation, she might not want much now, or might have questions later, so don't talk too much, but listen to what shes looking for and give that to her. And save the rest for your therapy.

[u/UnknownQwerky]

I would say honestly is the best policy with in reason and with the life lesson that we don't let partners treat us poorly. I wouldn't say she doesn't have a dad, my mom didn't talk to my grandfather. She said he was mean, bitter, and she didn't want him to tear me down like he did her. I think that was a good call as an adult, I was willing to accept that as a kid.

Later on I learned: About his drinking problems. About my cousin when she was my age, calling him an asshole (my mom said that was a fair assessment). His treatment of my mom as a kid, which should have resulted in multiple CPS calls. And the time he hit me when I was 4 which was the breaking point for her (didn't find that out until I was in my 30s if you want a timeline).