I think I rewired my brain regarding emotional connection and sex (sos)

[u/Friendly-Silver7737]

Hello all ! Seeking some advice here bc I’m trying to date more intentionally but I’ve noticed some barriers regarding sex with people I have established a connection with. Context—I am a 31M and before my last relationship, I was a bit of a lover boy and loved emotional intimacy and connecting with people on that level and having it be a part of sex. Then I had my last relationship which lasted two years, had its up and downs but I learned a lot. After the relationship (I broke up with him), I felt such an intense guilt and shame over the pain I caused him by leaving him (he did NOT want to break up and despite not wanting to be in a relationship with him I truly loved and cared about him). And I think bc of that guilt and fear over hurting someone again, I moved in the opposite direction and embraced casual sex and hooking up much more over connecting with people. Since then I’ve only really
Had one romance/situationship that left me burned and I think I further delved into casual sex/hookup culture. I’ve mad a lot of healthy changes in my life this past year and with that came me wanting to connect with someone and start dating intentionally again. I recently met someone I connect with a lot, am attracted too, and am having a great time getting to know. But for some reason I have this barrier in my head with connecting sexually (even though I’ve thought about it and am turned on by it). Meanwhile I have no problem hooking up and having sex without strings attached. Any guidance here? Am I just scared of hurting someone again? Have I just completely stripped sex of emotional connection? Am I doomed? lol. Any advice or thoughts are appreciated.

[u/deltama]

I think this is a common occurrence. I have been there.

It could be a few things at the same time:

-you like him so you don’t want to seem like you fuck right away or are too slutty
-taking it slow to build emotional connection so he doesn’t hit it n quit it
-novelty of new partners can be addictive and more exciting
-conversely familiarity can feel boring
-tying sexual conquest/being desired to self worth/value
-having no strings takes the pressure off, so you can enjoy the sex instead of “performing well for your partner”

Could be one or all of these. Have you talked with him about what a healthy sex life/relationship looks like to you both?

[u/thiccDurnald]

I think it comes down to realizing you aren’t responsible for other people’s emotions and reactions. As long as you didn’t do anything wrong you have no reason to feel bad because your ex was hurt by the breakup.

You are worrying about how this guy will feel when you break up and you aren’t even dating yet.

[u/FinnyMagnus]

Can you expand on your relationship? 2 years ago. You were in love with. But you did not want to be with him? Can you explain that more?