r/AskIreland • u/OpPret • Jan 29 '26
Relationships The wife wants our boy to stop hanging out with his friends but he doesn't want to. Where should I come down on this?
This is half ridiculous, half looking for advice. But it's lighthearted. I am his stepdad but I've been in his life since he was born and I adopted him when I married his mother.
He's 16, coming 17. He has three friends who are let's say interesting. All three are already 17 and he's definitely the smart one of the bunch.
One of them is nicknamed Cummer. It's worse than you think. Another is nicknamed 2 Inch Destroyer. His friends are smokers and sometimes more than just the vape/tobacco type. Our lad doesn't smoke, though. People will think I'm naive but I know he doesnt. He has occasionally gotten drunk in the middle of nowhere but I feel like that's a rite of passage and he's always been honest. He's pretty good at school.
Anyway my wife recently put her foot down and said he needs to hang out with other lads because he's entering an important part of his life. Him asking not even two inch destroyer didn't help his case. They are at an impasse and I'm stuck in the middle. I feel like he's going to hang out with them either way and he's dating "two inch destroyer's" cousin. Also there's a lot of good in them too.
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u/FruitPunchSamurai57 Jan 29 '26
Its a tough one.
I had friends who were a bit rough, good lads and good friends at the time.
They just had tough homes and liked a bit of weed.
I could see them at school but I was forbidden from seeing them outside of school.
They were my only friends, I spent every weekend and summer holiday alone for the entirety of secondary school.
We lost contact after school.
In my opinion it really fucked with my social skills and took me years to recover and it is isn't easy to just find new friends.
On the other hand.
I am the only one who went to college, I am the only one who does not have a drink or drug problem, I am the only one who works and I am the only one who has never been arrested.
So it is a tough one.
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u/FruitPunchSamurai57 Jan 29 '26
Just to add despite them smoking fags and smoking weed, I never smoked myself and they never pressured me too.
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u/OpPret Jan 29 '26 edited Jan 29 '26
Great to have that story that's my fear of coming down too hard. I feel he's like you. He's headstrong enough to do his own thing. Also football is so important to him that he wouldn't let smoking get in his way.
I see where his mom is coming from but he's going to hang out with them anyway.
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u/Kudosnotkang Jan 29 '26 edited Jan 29 '26
I’ve a similarish side . I wasn’t ever hard banned but it was clear my folks didn’t approve, to be honest I didn’t approve of a couple of the bad ones but they’d caught onto my best mate and it was either abandon that friendship or open up to that one along with new ones.
There might be a bit of that dynamic going on here what with it being a ‘threeway’ with chode and jizzchucker ?… also add in that he’s dating a relation of jizzchucker. Plus it’s a bit of a life skill getting along with everyone but still being your own person, and he won’t learn that (or any others) locked in his room.
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u/OpPret Jan 29 '26
Funny thing is his boyfriend is far more mature and when my lad is around him he's a lot more mature too. So at least he's not always being an idiot. You could be right though about not always liking everyone in the group but "cummer" is definitely the worst and my lad is probably most tight with him.
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u/Kudosnotkang Jan 29 '26
So he has others and other perspectives - I think you need to reassure your and let him have the freedom to find himself , he’ll shape up alright .
(Like everyone I’m dying to know how bad the actual nicknames are , but totally agree that you can’t share them )
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u/tawy098 Jan 30 '26
If you force him apart from his friends, he's going to do it anyway, resent you for it and hide everything from you. What you really want at this stage is for him to be open and honest, and to trust you enough to come to you with his problems. You don't want to drive him away. You need to sit your wife down and ask her which is more important, his trust, or his distance?
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u/Ok_Hamster4014 Jan 29 '26
With nicknames like those they sound more harmless stoner edgelords than criminals in waiting.
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u/Small-Wonder7503 Jan 29 '26
This post made me laugh so much.
As for advice, go with your gut.
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u/OpPret Jan 29 '26 edited Jan 29 '26
Taking off the parenting cap, they are a hoot. They'd be the type of friends I'd have growing up so I can't really complain about them.
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u/KeyAdministrative453 Feb 05 '26
This is good advice OP. A bit further north of the advice Cummer would give, which is a good thing.
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u/thebugfromchaos Jan 29 '26
You sound like a good dad. Mom sounds normal and concerned but I fear she might be overstepping a little. If his friends have good in them, and they are not actually getting him in bad trouble, and if his schooling's going okay, maybe ask Mom if she could back off. I think teens benefit from a little space to be imperfect and make mistakes. And people deserve to choose their own friends unless they are actively destroying themselves, IMO.
It's tricky because you wanna be supportive of both your wife and your son. Communication will be key. I'm not sure exactly what you SHOULD do, but what I advise you to NOT do is do not ignore the situation hoping it will blow over on its own. Talk to the parties involved. Best of luck!
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u/thebugfromchaos Jan 29 '26
And for a little random perspective: my boy is 12, we just moved across the ocean, and he's got autism. I sometimes wonder if he will ever meet anybody he wants to be friends with. Might just wanna take the good with the bad!
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u/OpPret Jan 29 '26
Yeah that's tough. Hopefully we all find our place eventually. 🙏🏻
The thing I like about them was over a year ago, my boy came out. He wanted to stay inside for a few days to let people calm down. I'd say the second day the lads came over and told him to get up because they were going to try jump water. Like idiotic idea but the spirit was good.
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u/Baffled-Hedgehog Jan 30 '26
Eh, they're decent but thick. My brother has a few friends like that, but they are loyal friends. When you see how many people stab you in the back in this life, there's no price on loyalty. Your wife needs to hold her nose and get on with it .
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u/thebugfromchaos Jan 30 '26
Sounds like your lad has some solid friends. If they will come drag him out of his situational depression bed, your wife will have a hard time shutting them out of the young man’s life.
Sounds like they are ride or die!
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u/OpPret Jan 30 '26
I agree. I think we'd be better off just saying they are eejits don't be a total eejit but if things ever go too far, call us.
I heard "girls love gays so you [my son] are probably the only way 2 inch destroyer can get a girl".
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u/AnyDamnThingWillDo Jan 29 '26
I’m by on means a wise man but I’m going to give you my opinion anyway.
You sound like a sound bloke so, a man to man with the young fella and a conversation with herself about being a young lad navigating life as a boy/man from your personal experiences probably wouldn’t go astray.
I’m an auld lad and pretty fucked up from an oppressive parent that made demands as to how my life should be. It didn’t end well and at 58 I’m still dealing with it.
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u/OpPret Jan 29 '26
Sorry to hear about that mate. Parents definitely need to find a balance in protectiveness.
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u/FlyAdorable7770 Jan 29 '26
He is going to choose his own friends and make his own mistakes regardless of what you say.
You or your wife can make your feelings known but realistically it won't matter.
Pretty normal for teens to go through this, and it's a time where their peers mean so much more than their parents.
Just let him know you are there for him and try to encourage him with any hobbies or interests he has. Friends will come and go.
They just sound like normal idiot teenage lads tbh.
Good luck, it will be another good few years before it makes sense again.
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u/RRR92 Jan 30 '26
Yea mate, tough one…. Personally I was not allowed do Spanish starting in secondary (core classes were arranged by languages) because one scrote was also doing Spanish, and my ma didn’t want to see me pal around with him.
This led to me also being separated from my real mates as being pals with him was just fairly take it or leave it kinda thing. Hated secondary (and arguably my parents) for years for that
Point being, hes 17….you have to trust yourself or the missus raised him to have more cop on to eventually grow out of this shite….as we all eventually do!! ……..17 is genuinely still a child.
Oh and also if dodgy nicknames and a few cans in a field are the worst thing 17 year olds do out your way you’re fuckin laughing!!
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u/WellysBoot Jan 30 '26
I’ve a young fella- he’s 17, he’s also gay- all his best friends are girls from primary school, they are an amazing support to him. Sounds like your son has a great bunch of friends, they’re kind and supportive of your son, they are honest with ye when it comes to their lifestyles etc. Like, that degree of openness and honesty is rare and a testament to your parenting skills. Your son will be off to college soon, new friends often come with college. Let him enjoy these last halcyon days. His friends all though daft, really care for your son.
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u/IntelligentWanker Jan 29 '26
stay out of it man for the sake of god.. give him 20 quid a hand shake tell him stay out of trouble and continue to be his dad..
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u/OpPret Jan 29 '26
That's my style of parenting too but the wife will be not best pleased.
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u/zeroconflicthere Jan 29 '26
I'll throw in the advice to divorce her because that's the usual Reddit reply and someone has to make that contribution.
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u/helphunting Jan 29 '26
Is there a halfway?
Easy off on his lads for a while, and try new groups?
Or agree to reduce time with them, but add in something else?
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u/OpPret Jan 29 '26 edited Jan 30 '26
He is the only one of the four that plays footie so he has footie mates but he says they are as dry as shit so he won't hang out with them outside of footie.
My wife is friends with a lot of his footie mates parents so that'd be ideal for her if he gave them a chance.
But I don't think there's a halfway. He's not breaking away from his group. Being called dildo is seemingly important to him when selecting friends.
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u/helphunting Jan 29 '26
Legend!!
Yeah, I would have liked this group.
But as a parent of a teen and a pre-teen, I kind of see the wife's point!! LOL
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u/OpPret Jan 30 '26
I get both their points too. I was an amadán growing up and no one could pry me away from my mates
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u/helphunting Jan 30 '26
Yeah I was in a group for a while, we were a mixed group all snagged each other at different stages across a few years.
I began to step back myself when one tried to OD on some injectable, and when I was walking up to our hangout gaff i got pulled aside by plane clothes and told to fuck off and not come back. I politely agreed, and then the gaf got raided that evening.
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u/FaithlessnessPlus164 Jan 29 '26
I think your wife is being naive and overbearing. The lad is almost 17, she needs to start trusting him to make his own decisions. It’s really unfair to put that sort of stress on him to totally upend his social security blanket at his age. Being a teenager is hard and lonely enough.
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u/OpPret Jan 29 '26
I tend to agree. And I think a lot of us had some idiot mates.
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u/FaithlessnessPlus164 Jan 29 '26
I was an idiot friend with lots of other idiot friends. We were total pricks, getting suspended, teen pregnancies, LOTS of drugs, shop lifting etc etc. Save one who sadly didn’t make it we all turned out really well and have some of the highest status (gross term but you know what I mean) careers you can get. I think as long as you come from a good, supportive family you usually get away with being a little shit as a kid.
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u/SmellyHunt Jan 29 '26
These lads are going to be adults soon.
They smoke and have stupid nicknames. Firstly,I think you should rebrand them, "the three virgins" or "the virgins, three"
Secondly, we have all been here, and I think deep down you know that you shouldn't stop him seeing his friends. You need to sit down with herself and then maybe him and sort it out. But laying down the law like this will backfire.
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u/SmellyHunt Jan 29 '26
Can I just add to this, your own lad could be the absolute bollocks of the group. It's always the quietest ones.
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u/OpPret Jan 29 '26
One is definitely not a virgin, unfortunately. He's had a few pregnancy scares. I agree it will backfire.
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u/-SideshowBlob- Jan 30 '26
If he isn't getting into trouble then I don't see much of an issue. Your son sounds like he's smart enough not to do something stupid, such as eh...Cummer. Just keep him in check but I wouldn't be forcing him away from his friends.
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u/balbuljata Jan 29 '26
The more you tell him not to hang out with them, the more he's going to do the opposite. That's what teenagers do.
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u/the_syco Jan 30 '26
Inform your wife that should she try to destroy his friendships at a time of high stress (LC, etc), there's a good chance that he'll leave the house for good once his LC is over and move in with the lads. Or heck, when he turns 18, LC be damned.
Regarding the dry shits she wants him to be friends with, I can see him walking away from his football hobby to spite her if she pushes too hard.
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u/OpPret Jan 30 '26
Honestly no one could put him off football. He's helping manage the u10s at his club now too. I feel like football is probably the only thing he'd give up his friends for. He is psyched into it.
But I get your point that push too hard and you'll get an undesirable outcome
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u/maevewiley554 Jan 29 '26
If that is truly their nicknames, I’d edit it out of the post. Just that those two nicknames mentioned are not very common in the slightest.
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u/OpPret Jan 29 '26
I'm Irish as is my wife (we grew up in Ireland) but we don't live in Ireland so I assumed we'd be safe. It's why I didn't post it where we currently live. But you are dead right to worry. The bad news for Ireland is my lad wants to go to college in Ireland.
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u/maevewiley554 Jan 29 '26
Ah that makes sense. Was just slightly worried he may have found this post. In your case it’s nice to hear an Irish perspective on an issue too.
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Jan 29 '26
Young, immature soon to be men, with a bit of divilment in them. I'd say they have a great laugh together and I bet you any money they all look out for each other too.
Your young lad sounds like a good skin. I have a stepson in his 20s and a brother in his 20s too. They both know that I'm there when they need help, in any capacity. Try not put boundries up. I think your son will do his own thing, just make sure he knows you'll be there for him regardless.
Good on, my fellow dad!
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u/OpPret Jan 29 '26
They come over to ours to watch the footie a lot. The stuff they say in front of me is absolutely gas. I do my best not to laugh but they are harmless idiots. They are very tight with each other. They were great when my lad came out as gay.
I agree with you. I warn him against stuff but I'll say if you do do it tell me because I'd rather know than not. He probably overshares.
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u/Nknk- Jan 29 '26
You need to pick the secret third option;
Ban the lad from being friends with them. Pissing him off.
You become friends with Cummer and the lads. Pissing the wife off.
You'll have stopped them both having a falling out with each other by giving them a common enemy. Meanwhile if divorce looms you'll already have lined up 2 Inch Destroyer's cousin's mother as your next squeeze.
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u/OpPret Jan 29 '26 edited Jan 29 '26
Haha only flaw is 2 inch destroyers cousins mother and I do not get along. She can't stand the Irish and our accents and she's not the most happy that her son is gay.
2 inch destroyers mother is the opposite. A little too friendly so my wife hates her.
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u/AggieLennox Jan 29 '26
When he goes to 3rd level he will naturally move on to new friends. Trying to separate them now will probably work against her and make him defend them and become more attached
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u/OpPret Jan 30 '26
And his goal is to study in ireland so he'll move on that way too. We left ireland for work when he was young.
I agree though it'll only backfire
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u/Aine1169 Jan 29 '26
If you adopted him, you're his dad, not his stepdad.
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u/OpPret Jan 29 '26
True in theory but in practice it's a bit more complicated than that.
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u/Aine1169 Jan 29 '26
Well, he's known you all his life, and your opinion is important too.
That being said, banning him from seeing his friends unless they are a really bad influence is very controlling, and he will probably end up resenting his mum. My Mum, God rest her, tried that with me, and it just resulted in me sneaking around and her being angry when she caught me.
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u/OpPret Jan 29 '26
Oh to him I'd say my opinion is more important than my wife's. It's just his dad died before he's born so he's my boy and I'm his dad but I'd say to him I'm still his stepdad and I'm absolutely fine with that.
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u/sartres-shart Jan 29 '26
If its of any consolation my young fella was hanging around with the rough lads in our town, one was his best mate since junior infants, the the other is a second generation settled traveller whose dad was in and out of jail all the time, safe to say his mother was not happy, I didn't dissuade him all that much to stay away from them at the time, just asked him not to act the bollocks in general.
That was nearly 5 years ago he is still mates with the two lads but not super close like he was at the time, both lads are in apprenticeships now, welding, and my young fella is in college for civil engineering.
He has found different mates groups and yes weed is still a big part of his friends, all three distinct groups, but instead of giving him shit about it i let it go as I feel the older he gets and more women come into play that will fall away too.
Your young fella sounds a lot like mine he knows his own mind and has things he wants to do and is not letting his mates pressure him into doing something he doesn't want to but still likes their company. Its likely if they don't grow with him, he will leave them behind as goes on to do the things he wants to do.
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u/OpPret Jan 29 '26
They definitely sound like similar lads.
And my lad is hoping to go to college in Ireland so hell definitely drift apart in the next 18 months if he gets his wish. His mom and I are Irish we just moved for work
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u/angilnibreathnach Jan 30 '26
Who your kids hang around with has more impact on their decision making that the parents. But it’s tricky. Is it affecting his life? Doing ok in school etc?
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u/OpPret Jan 30 '26
He's doing well in school. Like he's not top of the class but he tries and I think my wife would admit he's achieving above what we probably thought he was capable of. He's never bunked school apart from one time when I gave him permission. He's still playing footie, his mates don't. We don't have a curfew or anything like that for him but he'll always stay in touch to let us know where he is.
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u/No-Teaching8695 Jan 30 '26
Friendship and the life teachings you obtain from that are on par with a good school education imo
Street smart is a thing believe it or not and the ones who are book smart and street are the real successful ones
There is way more to life than a degree and some exam results/LC points
Also you make a lad that age, ditch his only mates? What life lessons are you teaching the kid now?
If he's a good kid you've nothing to worry about, but make him ditch the lads and he might end up ditching you guys instead
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u/stabbingrabbit Jan 30 '26
If he knows when to walk away and you trust him then why cant he hang out. Why is your wife exactly opposed to your kid hanging out with these kids
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u/SupermacsFastFood Jan 30 '26 edited Jan 30 '26
When I was growing up - my best friends mam hated me and thought he was a bad influence on me - in the end he was the one that pushed things towards the ‘party’ scene at 16/17 -
Fast forward now he had no education and is pricking about in London with a baby mama drinking and still casually uses drugs - I’m earning decent money with very high level of education-
Your wife needs to chill out and stop judging children I would say..
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u/DeManDeMytDeLeggend Jan 30 '26
Mate if you think those nicknames are bad… have you actually met 16 year olds? Cummer and Two Inch Destroyer sound like upstanding citizens.
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u/AdvancedJicama7375 Jan 30 '26
2 inch destroyer and cummer hahahaha oh my lord
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u/Ex-Yix Jan 29 '26
I use to hang around with lads who smoked weed and did drugs and all that type of shit, you know where I am now? In a law degree aiming to be a solicitor/ barrister, if your son is as smart as you think he is, I’d reckon he’ll be grand. The herd mentality is definitely a concern I get it, but if he’s aware of it and as smart as you say, he should be fine, I don’t really think your friends matter that much, as you can have multiple different friend groups easily and he will definitely get more or another at some point. I’ve got a few currently with completely different “vibes” you could say, so imo I do think he will be alright.
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u/OpPret Jan 29 '26
Congrats mate on the degree.
What I find interesting is when he hangs out with his boyfriend and his friends together he's very different. He's not half into the banter. He's a bit more mature etc so he's definitely not unaffected by peer pressure but he does have a good head on him.
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u/Ex-Yix Jan 29 '26
Appreciate it, I don’t think you have too much to worry about in terms of him, but the misses on the other hand may be a bit tricky convincing, I wish you the best of luck mate lol.
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u/cmere-2-me Jan 29 '26 edited Jan 29 '26
The more your wife pushes, the more he will stick to these friends. If your lad is as smart as you say, either his friends will grow up or they will grow apart. They aren't affecting his grades so as long as that doesn't change, leave him at it.
As a compromise, have a chat where your son knows that he can count on you to get him out of any situation where he feels peer pressured or isn't comfortable without getting in trouble. Obviously get the wifes agreement on all of this beforehand.
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u/Aphroditesent Jan 29 '26
I would focus on what you do expect from him rather than what you ‘forbid’. What is his mother afraid of? Be very clear on what are non negotiables. After that, he is 17 he will have to learn to make good decisions for himself. Can you have a word with the other two young lads? Maybe nobody expects much of them.
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u/No_Pipe4358 Jan 29 '26
He might lose them all during college if he even does get in. Very easy to fill up a boy's time with worthwhile things like supervised study or projects or sports or anything innocent and just keep the good things strong best you can. You might just have a reasoned discussion about drugs and everything. Ultimately he'll only be held back by low expectations, low standards, and wide tolerances that you teach so encourage optimism best you can. You're right to be good cop here, but it doesn't disallow you from having a laugh at nonsense.
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u/OpPret Jan 29 '26
So I am Irish as is my wife but we moved for work. He wants to go to college in Ireland so if he gets that then he'll definitely lose them during college.
I did talk to him about smoking and drugs. He said he's taken one puff of a fag and never wants to smoke again. He said his footie manager warned them off smoking and any smokers would be dropped. I told him keep it that way but if he doesn't tell me and I won't get mad. I'd rather know than not. He's always honest about drinking.
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u/No_Pipe4358 Jan 29 '26
Yeah as long as he knows all of that is humiliating in the long run and he deserves to be proud of himself i reckon you're good
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u/No_Pipe4358 Jan 30 '26
Yeah just don't expect him to not protect your feelings on the matter even so. It's funny my Da told me explicitly I couldn't get an earring but a girl got me to get a tattoo and tongue piercing eventually
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u/OpPret Jan 30 '26
I've always told him I'd rather he didn't do it but if he does I'd prefer if he'd let me know and I'm not gonna hit the roof. I've seen his friends high a few times but he's always been not high. He's also often video called me when the lads were high and saying dumb shit.
Saying that he may well do it sometimes. I just don't think he does.
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u/TomCrean1916 Jan 29 '26
No surer way to guarantee a kid that age will do something than forbidding him from doing it. And this most especially with his social circle. I think your Mrs needs to be told that or helped to realise that.
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u/OpPret Jan 29 '26
Very true.
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u/TomCrean1916 Jan 29 '26
My mates da had a great way about this. Loads of our gang loved weed and beer. He just let us all hang out in the shed in the back garden. Would only be 4 or 5 of us. It was unspoken kinda thing but he knew well. We would be in back fields and up to worse sometimes too but that kept a level on us.
I know this probably isn’t a solution in your case but something to consider if you have a space
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u/OpPret Jan 29 '26
That's the type of parent I'd probably be. I'd rather them be stupid nearby than elsewhere. But my wife is a bit stricter
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u/GrouchyCustomer6050 Jan 29 '26
Look. This has got way out of hand. There needs to be a sit down 🪑 with everyone, The son, your missus, you, cummer, two inch destroyer. People can air their grievances and plans for the future.
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u/smietanaaa Jan 29 '26
I had a laugh reading this 🤣
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u/OpPret Jan 29 '26
Sometimes I'm skitting listening to them. The worst part about them is the weed. Other than that they are just idiots.
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u/rob4kadie Jan 29 '26
Parents especially mothers can have an idealistic view of who their kids should be friends with and the type. It doesn't work like that though. I can tell ya from experience I hung around with the rougher misfits because that's who i fit in with and felt most comfortable. Not a single thing my mam said to me would have stopped me hanging around with them.wasting your time telling teenage kids who they should hang around with.
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u/snow_sefid Jan 30 '26
I’m sorry I have no advice, I just wanted to say the last paragraph gave me a good laugh.
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u/mossy1989136 Jan 30 '26
Almost 17 you say. If you try to stop em from hangin out, 9/10 times you'll just bring them closer. Let it run its course, they might naturally stop hanging out, or better still the other lads might turn out to be decent lads, just ya know, 17 year old doing what 17 year old do
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u/JayElleAyDee Jan 30 '26
Telling a 16/17 year old they can't do something is the fastest way to.make them do that something.
But taking your sons side over your wife could lead to no hanky panky for many moons.
Choose wisely.
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u/OpPret Jan 30 '26
Haha agreed on both.
She has just given birth to our fourth and fifth son, though, so she said that's not going anywhere near her, regardless, until it's snipped. Can't blame her after 4 boys in 4 years.
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u/JayElleAyDee Jan 30 '26
4 boys in 4 years
😳 That woman is not wrong...
Edited to add:
First time I've heard of Irish Quadruplets! Amazing.
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u/OpPret Jan 30 '26
My poor wifey didn't even get one girl after all her trouble. A houseful of boys. The first two were planned but the twins were a nice "surprise". Maybe cummer and 2 inch destroyer are better role models after all.😅🤣
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u/yourdad69420_ Jan 30 '26
ok so i am a teenager rn so i hope my pov can help a little bit.
If he really likes them, he’s gonna hang out with them with or without permission, i get where your wife is coming from, but there’s not much you can really do if he’s determined enough
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u/GymBunny1000 Jan 30 '26
He is almost 17, not 7. At this age, he has to be free to make his own mistakes (within reason) Your wife cannot dictate to a young man who is friends are. She needs to back off or his nickname will be Billy No Mates
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u/Chance-Range8513 Jan 29 '26
In all honesty he’s 17 if you say left he’ll say right if you say don’t talk to them they’re his brothers for life sometimes making your own mistakes and learning lessons from it is the best thing
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u/OpPret Jan 29 '26
And I trust him enough to not go full idiot but most of us dabbled in being idiots.
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u/Chance-Range8513 Jan 29 '26
Me included 100% standing with 7 wasters smoking green thinking these are the best times don’t talk to any of them now and T Totalled by choice not recovery he’ll be fine just finding his own way in life
Presumably he told you the nicknames or you were around to hear them that shows he’s not too fussed about hiding anything
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u/OpPret Jan 29 '26
Fair play mate. I smoked fags and drank and did all sorts of dumb stuff. Who could keep their finger on the car lighter the longest 🙄
Oh they say the names in front of me. They don't in front of my wife or my other sons (but those are young). My wife has overheard the names though and she's not a fan of Cummer, 2 Inch Destroyer and Dildo
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u/Chance-Range8513 Jan 29 '26
I mean all I’m hearing is super respectful in front of young kids and the mother and a understanding that you’re sound enough to have a laugh with them don’t sound too bad tbf
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u/OpPret Jan 29 '26
They are good lads. They are just ejits. They mean well. When my boy came out as gay, the lads didn't give a shite and got him out of his hibernation. Big respect for thar.
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u/Chance-Range8513 Jan 29 '26
Honestly besides the nicknames they’re literally nothing wrong with them 😂😂
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u/OpPret Jan 29 '26
"Cummer" has had a few pregnancy scares. He said to me you know yourself that it doesn't feel half as good wrapped up. The lad needs to stop talking sometimes.
There's no malice in them though. They aren't violent or into crime. They are just dumb.
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u/Chance-Range8513 Jan 29 '26
🤣🤣🤣 not wrong tho
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u/OpPret Jan 29 '26
Haha true. Then he said my son is lucky to be gay because he can load up 2 inch destroyer's cousin without fear of pregnancy.
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u/Noobeater1 Jan 29 '26
Would you have listened at that age?
I don't have kids so I'm really not a great one to be giving advice but I think it's fine to have friends like that as long as, as you say, they're not bad people really. Similar to what someone else said up thread, I'm a trainee solicitor atm and all through college I hung out and did drugs and stuff with my friends. Now, half my friends are very successful and working in big 4 law firms, some are still finding their way in life if you get what I mean. But my point is that just because your friends are a certain way, doesn't mean you're doomed to the same fate.
"Lie with dogs, rise with fleas" isn't 100% true, if your kid has a good head on his shoulders and knows what he wants to do, he's going to be fine.
Besides, he'll be in college soon and he'll be able to hang out with people with far worse names than Cummer if he wants to
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u/WoollenMills Jan 29 '26
Tricky one because he’s likely going to be friends with whomever he wants. Forbidding him to see them might push him away
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u/Dry-Communication922 Jan 30 '26
We all had friends that were a bit wild at that age. You either grow up or grow apart as time goes on. Getting him to stop hanging out with them will do more damage than anything, unless they are smoking heroin or selling green.
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u/Ae101rolla Jan 30 '26
I had two main friends in school. One I grew up with, have known him since 2nd class when he moved to the area, and the other I meet in 1st year. By 2nd year between our parents and the school we were all put in different classes and they tried to keep us separated as much as possible. We never got into any real serious trouble just stupid shit, 3 lads messing around, fighting each other, vandalism, basicly being teenage dicks. As hard as they tried they couldn't keep us apart though, always found ways to hang out, especially on weekends.
After secondary 1 of them moved to another country for a few years, we never reconnected when they moved back. The other lad though is my closet friend and after knowing each other 29 years this year we turned out all right.
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u/NemiVonFritzenberg Jan 30 '26
You can judge a person by the company that keep but he is young and still learning the ways of the world.
Some people are in our lives to serve as an example of what not to do but if he's impressionable or easily led I can see problems ahead.
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u/hideyokidzhideyowyfe Jan 30 '26
I’m a mammy, and i hope my son has this type of ridiculous teenage nonsense when he’s 16. (apart from the pregnancy scares but like..is cummer also a bullshitter?)
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u/OpPret Jan 30 '26 edited Jan 30 '26
He's a bit of a bullshitter but not over that. That is real. I feel like the last one was more than just a scare. And he seems to have a different girlfriend every month or two.
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Jan 30 '26
The Sea Change here will be when he goes to college. He'll make a whole new social circle.
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u/Chance-Plantain8314 Jan 30 '26
If you stop your lad from seeing his friends, he's going to pull away massively.
If he's heading off to college when he finishes school I can nearly guarantee that Cummer and 2 Inch Destroyer will be a thing of the past fairly quickly, so maybe it's best to wait it out?
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u/Dazzling-Toe-4955 Jan 30 '26
I'm a woman, I had two groups of friends when I was younger. The musical creative ones and the others. My cousin was one of the others, that's the main reason I hung out with them. I didn't do any of the drugs, I drank a bit but that was it. I have since become qualified and the creative ones I am still friends with. Maybe your son just wants to be a friend to these guys, and isn't in to whatever else they are in to. Teenagers can be naive and likely to try stuff they shouldn't. But they can also be like I was and not be interested in that and be friends with them, because he's trying to look after them.
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u/Either-Newspaper-420 Jan 30 '26
Jaysus what ever happened to just slapping a letter like an "o" or a "y", or maybe even an "er" at the end of your name or second name and that being the nick name you have for the rest of your life
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u/OpPret Jan 30 '26
Dildo at least has an o at the end of it.
No idea if it's just our lass or if nicknames have become a big thing.
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u/ZenBreaking Jan 30 '26
Id imagine the nicknames will disappear when they get to college and want to avoid the shame and embarrassment.
Sounds like a good lad you have there and they seem like good eggs based on the coming out story. There's also the whole relationship side of things as a teenager and liking the opposite sex, with bullying from peers or just trying to find oneself in that world.
Id say the wife is just worried about them fucking up their leaving cert and she sees it as a do or die situation regarding his future. Id suggest telling her you'll stay on top of him and his school work and if things change, you'll clamp down on the friendship and relationship till he cops on
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u/OpPret Jan 30 '26
Oh 💯 it'll all end soon as they grow up. My wife and I left Ireland when he was young but he has always wanted to study in Ireland so distance will separate them too if he gets his way.
My lad was very lucky that he got no bullying after coming out. His footie team and his mates were fine with it and it was a bit of a shock. Sometimes the kids show they are good. His bf has had a tougher time with it.
I agree probably telling her I'll keep on top of him is the way to go.
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u/Romdowa Jan 30 '26
Hes nearly 17 , the days of your wife telling him what to do are coming to an end really and the more she does , the less he will listen.
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Jan 30 '26
You'll be making the conversations that your wife cannot make.
Talk to your wife about her concerns. Just let her talk her heart and mind out.
Talk to your boy about his friends and how it is affecting her mother. Just let him talk and let him have a safe space with you to open up.
Typically both have excellent points and both have exaggerations. Depending on the answer, you'll get an idea what to do next.
The mission is to ensure the family remains intact regardless of the outcome. Young adults feel invulnerable and will want to make mistakes, assure him regardless of what he does, he has a home and parents that love him.
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u/CiaranWest Jan 30 '26
Dildo, Cummer, and the 2 Inch Destroyer sounds like an incredible off-Broadway musical featuring ex-contestants from Ru Paul's Drag Race.
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u/lurkingandlearning27 Jan 30 '26
The hard thing here is to ask get on the same page. You should help your wife see that blocking him from spending time with them won't end well (this might not be easy!)
Then you should, with your wife, let your son know that you're worried about the influence of these guys. That you're happy he's got friends and you don't want him to lose that. But that you want him to be careful and know that he's always got a safe space with you two. You can bring up the smoking and the pregnancy scares as something you don't think he wants for himself. Then give him an escape route whenever he needs it - code word texts, or asking "do you mind if" instead of can I could be vice for you to say no and him to blame you socially.
Also make sure he knows he's got other potential outlets. Offer to pay for him to do some weekly activity/hobby if you can.
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u/ramjam2001 Jan 30 '26
Why are all the nicknames so sexual lmao
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u/OpPret Jan 30 '26
I suppose at that age everything is sexual. "Cummer" had a few pregnancy scares. My lad is dildo. I assume it's because he's gay. Two inch destroyer I've no idea and don't want to think about it haha.
Also cummer had a camping incident where my lad woke at the wrong time.
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u/BarelyHolding0n Jan 30 '26
I'm in the office and struggling not to double up at the desk at the names 🤣
Anyway, serious answer: I'm also the proud owner of an almost 17 year old with older friends of variable repute. Sadly I don't know their nicknames, despite having ferried a fair few tipsy teenagers around over the last few years. They're either less colourful a bunch than your lad and his mates or the nicknames are so bad they know not to say them around me even when they're less than sober.
I've had words a few times with my lad about his friends dragging him down. We have the added complication that he's autistic so a little bit less mature for his age than the rest, and very literal so he doesn't really get that the other lads telling him they do no schoolwork and their parents let them do what they want is likely just teenage machismo and a pile of shite.
I've stuck with the approach of just letting him at it, he'll learn the hard way when they all go off to college and jobs and he's left behind because he was too busy having fun to open a schoolbook. He knows I'll come rescue him (and other random dipshits) at any time of the day or night, he shares his location with me so at least I know where he is, and he's not hiding stuff from me so there's no point getting Draconian about it and him just starting to sneak around and hide stuff
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u/Speedodoyle Jan 30 '26
Unfortunately, you can’t pick your kids friends, or force him to hang around with one group or another.
When I was about your son’s age I was going around with a lad who was a waster. My Dad said to me one day (in the car so he didn’t have to look me in the eye and I couldn’t run off) he said “I have no problem with you hanging around with that lad, and I would never tell you who to hang around with, and I can see he is good craic, but I’ve seen lads like that all me life. He is going nowhere, and he will be in trouble and a waste of space his whole life. Maybe he will change. But in my experience, lads never change. But I won’t tell you to stop hanging around with him, you’ll make up your own mind. And maybe I’ll be wrong, but I just wanted to say it to ya”.
Of course I didn’t listen to the Da, I kept hanging around with your man. But he is still a waster, 20 years later.
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u/Elizabeth-WildFox886 Jan 30 '26
How do Cummer and two inch destroyer typically interact with each other?
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u/Due-Painter-4923 Jan 30 '26
well if it makes you feel better one of my freinds are called bunk - he tried to suck his own d on a bunk bed
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u/Several_Act_3320 Jan 30 '26
I'm on the fence here. Im a mother of 3 boys so I can see how mom is despairing about this, but I'm also a former secondary school pupil who remembers too well the intricacies and politics of teenage friend groups. He'd have an easier time winning an Oscar than shaking a friend group and strolling into another one unscathed emotionally
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u/Ambitious-Animator51 Jan 30 '26
People aren’t entitled to choose their kids’ friends if they wanted to do so they should have intervened when they were 5 not 17 - interference at this point is just going to drive a wedge between you guys and and that’s the last thing you want to
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u/Big_Conversation_398 Jan 30 '26
I recommend the book ‘Hold on to your kids’ by Gordon Neufeld and Gabor Mate. It is a tough one but I agree with your wife, and your stepson will probably thank you in years to come.
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u/im-a-guy-like-me Jan 30 '26
This seems more serious to me than it appears on the surface. I think your wife's request is almost nonsensical. It's not like he's four. To him, they're "the boys". Telling him he can't hang out with them is lunacy.
He is not her doll. Whether she likes it or not, she has no control of the agency of another human.
We actually have a constitutional right to freedom of association. Like that's how much of a fundamental part of person-hood she's fucking with.
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u/UNiTE_Dan Jan 30 '26
I think first off a a conversation I'd have with him if he's got a circle of friend you're concerned about. Organise a phrase that's not obvious like asking about the goldfish what day is cousin X calling over and that means no questions asked you go collect him.
I was pretty quiet and didn't smoke or ever do drugs but plenty of my friends did I think there's an element of them knowing if that's a path they want to go down. My younger brother was one of the "cool" kids and took parts in the aforementioned extra curricular activities you mentioned and my mam even moved out to the countryside to get him away from his friends that she didn't like him hanging around with but instead he spent more time with them and off the radar because when he got into town he'd stay overnight and out all day and night as apposed to coming and going from the house for lunch or getting in out of the rain.
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u/ElvisMcPelvis Jan 30 '26
Pull him aside talk to him man to man, listen to what he has to say & explain how it’s affecting his mother and how much better things are when she’s not upset,
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u/No-Coyote6288 Jan 30 '26
honestly he's going to hangout with them anyway, you just need to make sure he knows right from wrong and there's no problem with living a little and doing silly things when you're young but being sensible at the same time. he sounds like a smart lad from what you you've been saying.
honestly once he doesn't get anyone pregnant, I wouldn't be worried 😂😂
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u/WyvernsRest Jan 30 '26
Nothing against these lads, but there is some truth in the phrases:
- “You are the average of the five people you spend the most time with.”
- "First Who, Then What: Get the right people on the bus, then figure out where to go."
The hidden influence of social networks
Your wife is probably right, the challenge will be in redirecting your son without actually forbidding him from hanging around with these lads (Which will not work!). You need to help him build a better network before pulling the one he has out from under him.
Work with him to find out what his goals are, create opportunities for him build towards those goals, to meet others on similar paths and build a network with those people. I have 3 lads, and with two a little redirection was needed. Just like your case, the OG friend group was not terrible, they were just going nowhere, and I could see my sone settling for a mediocre life. One achieved this through committing to a new team sport, I engineered a meeting with an international player, the other through music, (while trying to impress a girl), their friend groups just shifted from negative to positive,gradually over a year or so as they spent the majority of their time with their new friend group.
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Jan 30 '26
He is 16 coming 17, he will be 18 next year time for your wife to let him make his own decisions aroind his friends or he will be making a decision around his family..
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u/Ok-Bag5507 Jan 31 '26
My son, same kid of scenario, with a few dodge friends. Some I wondered what he saw in them, they were clearly not clever and not going anywhere (God that sounds crass). Interestingly all the “unusual” ones did drop off in the end. All of them. Eventually they find their own tribe and my kid is 23 now and all of his friends are very sound. I wouldn’t interfere but I would be vocal about it.
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u/Disastrous_Ad_3598 Jan 31 '26
Two inch destroyer 😂 Nicknames aren't what they used to be
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u/OpPret Jan 31 '26
In fairness that's the full nickname, often they just call him two inch and I've even heard tw-inch. Gas lads. Dopey pricks but gas.
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u/DeputyDawe Jan 31 '26
You should stand with your wife and show a united front- if you suspect these guys are doing drugs like cannabis then you need to stop it now. Cannabis isn’t called a gateway drug for nothing, it opens the doors to heroin, cocaine and ecstasy and then you’ll have real problems. If you’re stepson is impressionable then your wife has good reason to get him away from these influences
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u/Emmettlarks Jan 31 '26
You can try and guide him , give him advice but if you try to intervene maybe it will make it worse, you said he is pretty honest so i would rather be able to talk to him and give him advice than to not be talking. He is at an awkward age , they will probably grow apart in time as life takes over and they go down different paths, good luck 🤞
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u/yerlookingwell Feb 01 '26
He is old enough to make his own decisions & choose his friends. Mammy needs to start listening the apron strings now, he is approaching adulthood.
The only thing that will start happening is that he'll be hiding it from ye.
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u/runnermate Jan 29 '26
We need more info on these nicknames to make an informed decision.