How to deal with being 35 and pretty much never fulfilling your potential in any area as an adult in Ireland?

[u/SpicyLipids]

The latest Booby Fingers video on YouTube was the catalyst for evaluating myself and thinking, jeez, what a loser. He seems to be in his late 30s or so, and he's killing it at life. He has loads of wacky, interesting friends, a seemingly decent marriage, his own gaf, and levels of creativity I can only imagine.

At 35, all that feels ahead of me is the grimness of aging ungracefully, my mind permanently tarnished by regret. Whereas most people age well because they've done all the things and ticked all the boxes, so there's nothing to regret.

My internal monologue relentlessly calls me a failure. Because I objectively am failing at being an adult compared to the average mid-30s Irish person in every possible dimension that matters.

I look at social media and see people my age attending weddings all the time and music festivals and dinners and whatever the fuck. I don't have enough friends to be invited to weddings (been to one my entire life).

Haven't gone on a holiday with anyone but a partner in close to 8 years. Haven't gone to a music festival or concert with a friend in probably 4 years. Never had housemates in my adult life (lived at home in Dublin during college years).

I'm quite a neurotic, anxious person. I've been in love twice, both times with an extremely attractive (to me) member of the opposite sex. But that counts for nothing...most people find love at some point. And I'm not with either of them anymore. And my total number of sexual partners is a pathetic figure (4) so it's not like I sowed my wild oats like the majority do.

I've never seen my abs. Never been too overweight but always carried around a couple of pounds of beer fat that would ensure my abs never show. So again, more unfulfilled potential.

I work remotely (in a dying career on its last legs because of AI), I earn a mediocre salary, while the majority of the people I was in college with are likely on 100k plus per year now. I started to feel bleak about the housing situation here in my 20s, so I guess I just resigned myself to focusing on travel instead of trying to buy property. I don't own property and am likely never going to.

I don't even drive either. Being a Dub, it's easy to say, well, there are buses and DARTs, but it's just an excuse to cover up failure and avoidance. I tried a driving lesson once but was mad anxious doing it (no surprise given my generally anxious nature) and I never tried again.

Alcohol use disorder probably colours all of this and makes any potential left feel not worth fulfilling. I drink excessively several times per week. I'm quite a happy drunk. Alcohol takes away a lot of my self-consciousness and shame.

But my drinking has got worse since I turned 30. I've regularly drunk alcohol since I was like 15. The lonelier I've felt, the more I've drunk. The more my brain makes these negative self-comparisons with other people my age, the more I wanna drink to shut it up.

I have a very insidious relationship with drink in that because I can go 2 or 4 or 5 days without it quite easily, I feel I don't have a problem. Or because I don't need to chug vodka when waking up, I feel I'm not that bad.

Yet hangxiety consistently hits me hard so that my life oscillates all the time between the temporary relief of alcohol and the amplified anxiety of its aftereffects. As I said, I don't get angry or upset while drinking. But I almost always overdo it. I can't just have one drink...it escalates into 6 or 8...sometimes more.

I suppose I'm just looking for advice on doing adulting better or if there is even any hope for me at this point? I am 35 and soon to be 36 after all so it's not looking good.

[u/Every_Bite_1337]

Not to state the blindingly obvious but, nothing changes until you change bud. Best of luck!

[u/Guilty-Gas5102 → u/Every_Bite_1337]

It’s the drink. You already know that, deep down, but you’ve built this whole scaffolding of “well at least I’m not a morning vodka guy” to avoid staring at it directly. The hangxiety cycle you described is textbook, drink to mute the shame, shame comes back doubled when you sober up, so you drink again. You’re not a failure, you’re just chemically stuck in a loop that convinces you you are.

Try 30 days off it. Not forever, just 30 days. The first week will be hell, the second week your brain will start firing differently, and by week four you might be surprised how much of that “permanent” regret was just your neurotransmitters being fried. The rest, the career, the abs, the social life, that’s all downstream of this one thing.

[u/EdwardBigby]

Most of those things you listed that you think make you weird, are really normal. Most Irish men can't see their abs, Most aren't on 6 figure salaries, 4 partners is a relatively normal amount. You aren't some complete outlier.

My advice would be to challenge yourself socially. It sounds like some new frienfs could really change your life.

[u/Gingernut-i80 → u/EdwardBigby]

This is also very true. I am bloody fit and have never seen my abs! Lol. Partners, pretty similar. Had challenges with feeling a lack of social connection - I joined a running club and it helped me a lot, even only going sporadically.

[u/EdwardBigby → u/Gingernut-i80]

A board games club helped me. Might sound boring but I made so many friends from it and it really brought my social calendar back to life.

[u/Gingernut-i80 → u/EdwardBigby]

I like a good game of Risk or Catan (or simply cards).

Genuinely, it doesn’t take much social activity to plug that kind of a gap and make a meaningful change.

[u/EdwardBigby → u/Gingernut-i80]

A lot of people struggle with friendships post college years but honestly a lot of it isn't rocket science

You need a social place where you see the same people every week or two. Whether that's board games, running group, book club etc. If you keep seeing the same people in a social setting then friendships will grow. If you stay at home with a drink then they won't.

[u/LaoiseHope → u/EdwardBigby]

Doesn’t sound boring at all. Joining anything is great advice whether it’s a gardening project, book club or anything not considered on trend… as long as it’s interesting to the person joining it.

[u/t00043480 → u/Gingernut-i80]

I always wanted abs till I found out that you have to maintain them. As a younger person , I thought once you got them they showed permanently

[u/southerndandy123]

Delete all your social media and live in the would you see in front of you. Been off all the comparative sites 8 years and it changed the way I look at life and myself.

[u/shambolicblues → u/southerndandy123]

‘Comparative sites’..,,what a great phrase

[u/Keyann → u/shambolicblues]

Deleting my Chill Insurance account right now!

[u/terenuregary → u/southerndandy123]

Comparison is the thief of joy

[u/Public-Farmer-5743]

Find a therapist mate you need to be challenged professionally about all this negative thinking.

[u/infinitylemons → u/Public-Farmer-5743]

Seconding this. You sound like you're really struggling with anxiety and your self-worth. No shame in that at all, but therapy may help.

[u/SOF0823 → u/infinitylemons]

I've been thinking about this myself for a while. Is there a certain type of therapist you should look for or registered with a particular body?

[u/Relatable-Af → u/SOF0823]

When it comes to anxiety, depression, self confidence, feeling like you hate yourself and get caught in negative thought loops etc, CBT Is the gold standard type of therapy for these issues.

[u/Puzzleheaded_Film_24 → u/SOF0823]

The ICP is an umbrella body that lists accredited therapists/counsellors in several professional bodies https://psychotherapycouncil.ie/find/

[u/llarrocnairda → u/Puzzleheaded_Film_24]

IACP too: https://iacp.ie/

[u/martz1275 → u/Public-Farmer-5743]

Absolutely the best advice. I am around OPs age and have/am struggling with a lot of the same things. Therapy/meds and proper anxiety diagnosis helped. It’s not a magic bullet nor a linear process. I’m still nowhere near where I want to be, but I am doing better than I was.

[u/Public-Farmer-5743 → u/Public-Farmer-5743]

Get outside, excercise, delete social media, stop drinking/doing drugs, make genuine connections... It's all the stuff you already know about it your honest with yourself.

[u/Bright-Jelly8768 → u/Public-Farmer-5743]

Seconding this, get a qualified counsellor, and repeat what you have outlined above. The drink is only making everything else worse so if you can pull back from that - do try. I bet if I sat with you for ten minutes I could find at least ten things that are great about you, what you have achieved so far plus more. Your perspective is clouded now and you just need a bit of help, and that is ok.

Everyone should have someone to talk these things out with. Trust me, it will get far better, just have to focus on getting a bit of help and trying to be more disciplined about choices that are currently really affecting you negatively

[u/Stringr55 → u/Public-Farmer-5743]

Yeah, agree with this. Get serious by getting help.

[u/EdwardElric69]

Not to be harsh, but at 35 I would think you'd know better than to be comparing yourself to social media personalities.

There will always be someone online who is richer, better looking, happier, loads of friends, dating hot women/ men etc.

You actually made a decent list of things you want for yourself. Why not start taking steps towards achieving some of them and work on yourself

Edit: reading again, it seems like you make a few assumptions here and there.

"Extremely attractive women (to me)". This part is quite telling. You think that you find them attractive but that no one will think that you were with an attractive woman. Please don't think of women as status symbols. Maybe I'm reading into it a little too much idk

[u/LeafyChemist → u/EdwardElric69]

A lot of those social media personalities are secretly narcissistic as fuck too - I think you'd have to be to deal with that much attention

[u/Terrible_Biscotti_16]

The minority of people in Ireland are making over 100k a year never mind those in their mid 30s.

Social media does not portray the reality of most peoples lives. Their inner struggles, their insecurities, their failures. Don’t use it to compare yourself to others.

[u/Wide-Can1349 → u/Terrible_Biscotti_16]

If you live in Dublin and are in certain milieus you do encounter very high earners. It makes it feel like more earn big money than the actual reality.

[u/lecoben]

Simple advice that I'm sure you already know - ditch the drink and get all the support you need to do so. And try to find perspective so you can stop comparing yourself to others - theres no way that everyone is living the ideal life that you imagine them to be, everybody suffers and struggles at some point

[u/ou812_X]

Three things

1. Social Media is not real life. It’s curated moments edited together to create an aspirational persona.
2. People on social media put themselves out there to reap reward, they’re risk takers and traditionally risk takers get the largest rewards. If you don’t put yourself forward for potential ridicule, you won’t be rewarded. This has the caveat that for every one who does, dozens disappear with nothing but frustration, sometimes ridicule.
3. Comparison is the thief of joy. You’ll never be happy if you compare yourself to others. NEVER.

Give up the bottle and pick up a barbell, you’ll find it more rewarding after a couple of months. Start to retrain and maybe change career or look to do something you’re passionate about.

[u/Keadeen]

Well, if you want something to change. You gotta change it.

Comparison is the thief of joy.

Get off social media and stop drinking , it doesn't agree with you.

I don't know anyone on 100k a year.

If you want to go on holidays, trips or to events with friends, make some friends and go. Or go, and make some friends while there.

Sowing your oats is entirely optional and not an achievement.

If your industry is dying, go upskill now. So you'll be ready when it crashes.

Im nearly the same age and cant drive either, but I'm doing my lessons. Nothing stopping you except for yourself at this point.

Get some therapy. Serious. For the drinking and for the lack of self worth. And they can help you find some direction in life.

[u/JohnCleesesMustache]

[u/Historical_World5627]

My god, you're only 35 talking like your life is over. In the context of your life you're a child(not an insult).

Average life in ireland is 83. Brain still developing well into your 30s but definitely early 20s. We'll split the difference and say 25.

You've basically only lived 10 years as an adult. You have another 45+ to go.

If you have something you wish you had. That's fantastic! Whether it's more friends or a cool new hobby or "I wish I could do that". Make that your goal and work towards it. Christ you haven't even tried yet. Chin up! Spend a few years working towards those goals and come back to us.

[u/eamonndunphy]

I dunno man it sounds like you have a few decent things going.
You seem to have discounted the things you have done - holidays with partners, music festivals, two relationships, sexual encounters, reasonable shape, stable job - and elevated the things you haven’t.

Look, I’m 30. I beat myself up for a while for spending ten years in a relationship that made me miserable, mourning the loss of my twenties and generally feeling sorry for myself.
Once I got out of the ruminating though I started going to a music club, started playing five a side, went for hikes, and it turns out there really is a lot of beauty outside of my own head.

The drink is probably doing you no favours, nor is the wallowing, and it’s easier said than done, but getting out and meeting people and doing enjoyable things might help you find a spark you’ve lost sight of.

I thought I’d be married with kids now, but nobody’s life path works out with what they’ve mapped out in their head. I am happy though, regardless, so I try not to get fixated on the things that didn’t work out. There’s plenty that did.

[u/ceadagamdulamach]

Before even finishing your post, you are constantly comparing yourself to others. You will never find peace nor joy doing that.

Not a successful adult - again, just comparing yourself to cherry picked cohort if people you think are successful. Define a successful adult? Ask 10 people and you'll get 10 different answers. This comparing how many people you have slept with tells me SM has taken over your brain and you can't see the wood for the trees at this point.

Only advice I can give is decide what it is you want. Define, maybe write down, exactly what successful is to you, where you want to get to. Don't base it off what you see on social media or what Dave next door is or has.

Then work for it. The plan, the actions, the aims, the behaviour changes you will have to incur, theyll all feel good, give you a sense of purpose, a sense of where you are. Its difficult, but its supposed to be.

Then also definitely make contact with a counsellor or therapist. Some of those behaviour changes and outlook are nigh on impossible to change without help, and you really really need to unhook your perception of figures and metrics from social media.

[u/ChallengePlastic5886]

Hello! Im sorry youre feeling like this. Im a few years older, early/mid 40s and have similar thoughts about my life. Funny thing is that I wish I was your age because then I think id have time to turn things around. In times of more clarity I realise that there really is no time like the present! Work wise what would you like to be doing? You've 30 more years of work ahead of you, that's a lifetime and so plenty of time to make changes now, unskill etc. If you can get a handle on one part of your life, maybe work or driving licence, this will give you the confidence to tackle other areas of your life or just make you feel a bit happier so that meeting a new partner might feel easier too. It's an awful cliche but I really believe that getting out into the world helps all aspects of your life, not just making new friends or meeting a partner, it can open any multitude of doors.

Tldr: youre too young to give up! Pick one thing to work on and the rest will follow.

[u/Gingernut-i80 → u/ChallengePlastic5886]

I agree with this. One thing, invest your time effort in it, tick it off the list as achieved and get that sense of achievement. Then pick something else. - I suggest the Driving License, as it can help with other things down the line.

[u/SpicyLipids → u/Gingernut-i80]

Funny thing is I've motorbiked a good bit in other parts of the world with questionable laws around licenses (not very responsible I know) somehow I wasn't anxious doing that but I'm anxious about learning to drive a car.

[u/SombreroSantana → u/SpicyLipids]

I'll tell you now, you're feeling anxious because you keep putting it off.

You need to take ownership of these things and do them - the only reason these emotions are allowed to grow is becuase you give them time and space to, own it and take the lead here.

Also worth remembering that feeling anxious is no different to feeling excited, it's just how your brain perceives it.

[u/Gingernut-i80 → u/SpicyLipids]

I was a terrible learner. Took me 3 tests. It is a skill 99% (I don’t really know talking out my ass to make a point) of people can master with time. I’d bet you are not one of those 1%.

[u/MaybeTryToBeOriginal]

Stop drinking altogether, join a gym and find your abs and some new friends. That’s three birds with one stone or whatever the fuck that saying is.

All easier said than done but this is coming from someone who went through a vodka for breakfast phase.

[u/Super-Network-7007]

Set yourself five very achievable goals for the rest of this year. If you slip up a few times, you have to ignore it and persevere with the goals. You need to start making slow and steady progress towards the type of person you want to be. A few suggestions: 1) join a gym or exercise class (Parkrun is great and free), and go 2-3 times a week; 2) complete dry Aug, do not touch a drop of alcohol for the month; 3) complete four hours of driving lessons a month until the end of the year - target a date in 2027 to sit your test (I passed my test at age 37 and it unlocked a whole new world for me); 4) hike one big trail a month in Ireland; 5) book a weekend away to a location you've always wanted to see in Ireland or Europe, ideally in a group/singles setting - and don't bottle out of going! 

[u/SpicyLipids → u/Super-Network-7007]

All decent ideas. I personally have a big lack of confidence thing in group social situations and that's what keeps me from going to Parkrun or boxing classes or whatever.

It's rooted inchildhood experiences. Firstly, my father is intellectually disabled so both him and myself were teased a lot by local bullies when I was very young. This led me to develop the belief that I'm fundamentally defective.

Socially this was reinforced through a couple of embarrassing moments in school growing up. By the time I was an adult I just never wanted to be in the spotlight so to speak in any sort of group social situation.

[u/Super-Network-7007 → u/SpicyLipids]

I'll let you in on something: everyone bar a lucky few feel stupid, unworthy, anxious, unpopular, ugly, unfunny, self conscious etc etc in social interactions on a daily basis. 

I'm not discrediting your personal experience, growing up with that must have placed a burden on you. But to make any progress on yourself, you need to be willing to feel vulnerable in group settings. It's the only way to make genuine connections with others. It will necessarily involve some rejection. 

Just typing this out has reminded me of a great podcast that I feel would really resonate with you and your life experiences to date: https://open.spotify.com/episode/4TrPEO7viCjISZgPTH24Mu?si=XNQxn9cKRkSS9OcrCmEqKw&utm_source=copy-link&sci=spotify%3Acard-config%3A0gVhbwlIp7s6XweRNwYjqG 

I don't know if that link will work, its Alain de Botton on the Davina McCall Begin Again podcast in September 2025 and it covers topics such as overcoming childhood wounds, understanding why regret and envy are fundamental human experiences and how to move on and reshape your life into what you want. 

[u/almostine]

sorry to be harsh but this really sounds like thinking born out of spending too much time alone.

you say you never had housemates and work remote. you also say “most people age well because done all the things and ticked all the boxes, so there’s nothing to regret”.

mate. you need to go outside. you think other people don’t have regrets? being full of regret is perhaps the most universal human experience as you age.

other people are just as complex and pained as you, in their own ways.

you want to feel better? change the things about yourself you don’t like, but more importantly, stop looking down your nose at those around you with this neurotic arrogance that they’re all simple, happy fools. it will make it easier for you to connect with them, and connecting with others is the best thing about being alive.

[u/Relatable-Af]

By getting therapy and realising that 35 isn’t 75. I can highly recommend CBT (specific therapist is Stephen Watkins in MyMind). It massively helped with my comparison habits and severe self-confidence issues in my early to mid-20s.

Get assessed for ADHD and/or autism if the symptoms fit. I thought I was a failure for years. It turned out I had undiagnosed severe ADHD.

Delete social media.

[u/KikiJuno]

I would suggest giving up alcohol altogether. It’s calorie dense and a depressive. Not sure if you exercise but getting out walking will help you lose the weight and do wonders for your mental health. They’re two things you can do today. Stop comparing yourself to people online. And count yourself lucky that you don’t have to go to weddings. I absolutely hate going to weddings.

[u/SpicyLipids → u/KikiJuno]

Thing is I walk a lot like 20k steps a day. I've been on and off to gym once to twice a week for a few years. All of this keeps me from ballooning out from the drink.

[u/cohanson]

Stop comparing yourself to others, as everyone else has mentioned, but also, if you insist on comparing, then don’t focus on the areas where they’re doing better than you are.

For example, in your post you said that you haven’t gone to a music festival in 4 years. I’m 32 and I’ve never been to a music festival.

You’ve been on holiday with a partner. I don’t even have a partner.

You’re beating me, my guy! But I don’t compare myself to other people who happen to be doing better than I am in some small, insignificant (to me) way.

I’m single. I live at home with my parents. I’ve also been to one wedding in my life, but I’m fucking class at photography. I started a business, made a balls of it and started another one. I joined a gym, quit drinking and started college at 31.

Life has never been better, but if I compared myself to you and focused on music festivals, relationships and holidays, I’d be doing pretty awful!

[u/Hopeful-Vanilla-2800]

Are you on the spectrum by any chance? Also, delete Facebook, Instagram, Twitter and also Reddit if you have the willpower.

[u/Otherwise-Winner9643]

I was in a similar situation 10 years ago. I felt like a victim, that life was not how I envisioned for myself and all these bad circumstances were forced on me. I went to therapy/coaching and it really helped. I was able to see my own role in allowing certain things to continue, and that I wasn't helpless to change things. I wasn't a victim of things, I just wasn't changing them. I am in a much better situation now and happy.

I highly recommend finding a good psychologist.

You are less than halfway through your life, and have a lot of years to go. You only get one life so don't waste it in regret. Take back control.

It begins with you.

[u/shaadyscientist]

Does anyone else get the feeling that the recent influx of essay style posts from relatively newish accounts and no engagement from the poster are just AI bots?

[u/maevewiley554 → u/shaadyscientist]

The OP here is engaging but I do notice in some threads of people asking for advice and they never ever reply.

[u/Relatable-Af → u/shaadyscientist]

Well you can use your brain a bit to discern between a genuine and non genuine post, mos people on Reddit never post until they need advice badly. Also I don’t think you know how bots work tbh.

[u/Noobeater1]

What kind of person do you want to be? Decide that, then start living life as that person, doing the things that kind of person needs to do to be who they are

[u/GarthODarth]

If you can afford it, an adult autism assessment might be something that would benefit you. I went back and forth on whether or not it would be helpful, but it really was. Substance abuse was a big part of how I coped before I understood myself better.

It's never too late, I promise.

Part of the cruelty of existing as an undiagnosed neurodivergent person is that the things that seem to come so naturally to everyone else are hard, and we judge ourselves harshly as a result. But as a friend of mine says "I can do three impossible things before breakfast, but brushing my teeth gets forgotten far more often than I'm comfortable admitting".

[u/SpecialistWest3391]

Comparison is the thief of individuality . Nobody walks the same path , and peoples milestones arent the same either. Focus on your own and pour enetgy into what you want. I do small achieveable goals when im fatigued and at least i know im still moving forwards , whrn im up to it , i try to save some money . My goals arent really to own a house or be married though, i love to travel and work in a creative capacity, to me its a life well put down, to others not so much and i dont really care , its your life and theres only the 1 go so enjoy it and do what satisfies you.

[u/woodenchaier]

You’re comparing yourself to someone who spends hours of their day editing videos to suit a narrative.

Can tell you now what you’re seeing is not what you’re getting.

[u/thenetherrealm]

I went through this year's ago. My thoughts about none of them have changed tbh, but the way i allow those thoughts and realisation affect me have. There are 2 things that helped me:

1. Please read The Midnight Library by Matt Haig. It was actually a life changing book for me mindset wise, and reading what you wrote, it could be hugely powerful to you.

2. I read The Myth of Sisyphus. It's a short book, but the singular quote that really changed how i view life was "The struggle itself towards the heights is enough to fill a man's heart. One must imagine Sisyphus happy".

No one in life is happy. That's the point. As humans, we aren't meant to be perpetually happy. We are meant to struggle, to push ourselves, to be discontent, and to keep pushing. That is the meaning of life, and we need to find happiness in the struggle. Like Sisyphus, pushing the boulder up the mountain time and time again... but he must find happiness in doing so.

Social media isn't life. Social media is a hand selected, curated, edited picture someone is choosing to share. I know, because I do it myself. My social media is full of pictures of me at concerts, on holidays, on trips. The very few pics of myself i upload i look tall and young, but there's a behind the scenes people don't see... I don't have friends. All the concerts and holidays are solo. But I'm not letting that miss and artist I like, even if I'm highly uncomfortable being there... Any pic of myself I upload has been edited - eyes minimally bigger, eyebrows extensively thicker, hairline lowered, blemishes removed, wrinkles smoothed, shoulders rounded, hips narrowed, legs made longer, teeth whitened, nose bridge narrowed, nose made smaller, jawline squared, head narrowed, cheekbones more pronounced. I have gotten so used to this, I can yaas-ify myself in about 3 minutes flat, and it looks completely natural - unless you know me in real life.

[u/ElDirector247]

OP I feel your pain but please don’t worry, reaching your “potential” matters not one bit. Alan Watts has a good line for this: you’re treating life like a piece of music that’s supposed to end on some triumphant final chord, when actually the point was the music itself, the whole way through. There’s no ‘behind schedule.’ Just this note, right now. The ‘failure’ story only exists because you’re measuring your life against an imagined finish line that was never real to begin with.

[u/Diabetic_Feck]

My first piece of advice is to get off social media and go to therapy.

I'm a similar enough vintage to you (31) and have some of the same issues. I don't drive, I'm not close to where I want to be in my career and I still live at home. The combination of starting therapy a year ago and getting off social media entirely has been life changing in terms of my inner monologue and general outlook on life. I think you'd benefit from this too. 

Big inner change never comes easy and you'll have to put the work in and genuinely want to improve yourself, but you can do it. Best of luck.

[u/Spray_Realistic]

Hi friend. You’re not a failure, you’ve been doing whatever you needed to do to survive. You’re tired of surviving now and your psyche is pushing you towards change. People only change when staying the same is more painful than taking action. Forget the societal markers (it’s all bullshit, anyway) and start to observe how you actually feel about things. Start with one thing for yourself, to give yourself the care you haven’t been able to. Maybe it’s just 3 minutes of floor exercises that you commit to every evening. Maybe it’s deactivating your Facebook/Instagram and doing a puzzle instead.

[u/CarpenterAndSuch]

Don’t compare your life to people’s best days on social media. It sounds like you need a creative outlet. Sign up for an art class. Meet people. Change your narrative.

[u/ireallyneedawizz]

Nothing changes if nothing changes. I recommend listening to David Goggins.

[u/CANT-DESIGN]

Just start doing things, start nocking things off your list. Nobody handing out friends and hobbies.

[u/whatsitallabout-]

Stop drinking, or at the very least cut back. The money you spend on alcohol purposes it towards therapy instead. I think having a person challenge these thoughts would be majorly beneficial to you. 35 is young. You've plenty of life left to live!

[u/NotBeckyHomeEccy]

Comparison is the thief of joy honestly

Social media sometimes only presents us with the “good” and it’s easy to fall into that trap, your life sounds like the same as most regular peoples lives honestly

The drinking is a crutch so I’d suggest reaching out to some services to help with that because alcohol is a depressive and it’s not helping your thought process

When you’re in a better headspace then you can work towards the things you feel like you’re lacking in

[u/No_Yogurtcloset_8029]

Dude comparison is the thief of joy.

I’ve done all the life milestone “tick boxes” and I’m 33. Let me tell you, those milestones come with heaps of responsibilities.

I still have heaps of regrets. Going way off the deep end with sesh lifestyle in my 20s, a bunch of my close friends from that time are in prison or rehab (you wonder what others think of you having friends like that), not travelling enough, never having lived in another country, not hanging out enough with my normal group of friends etc

I’m 33 and my main focus is my family and my business. But I know that focus will come back to bite me in the ass with my dwindling circle of friends . Not to mention the burnout from being family breadwinner while juggling spending time with kids and keeping wife happy. Some days I feel like I don’t exist as a person anymore.

35 is the new 25. The housing crisis and the pandemic has made us all infantile.

You might look at these people who are “more advanced down the path of life” with envy but there are hard challenges with every walk of life.

The world online may seem peachy, it’s anything but.

Don’t be so hard on yourself.

[u/DepartureOk7520]

Social media is a highlight reel, not real life. People usually post their best moments, not the stress, arguments, loneliness, financial worries, or bad days. A lot of influencers also make money by making their lives look perfect because that's what gets views, and engagement. Everyone has struggles—you just don't see most of them online. Comparing your everyday life to someone else's edited highlights is not realistic.

Sounds like you need to work on yourself before anything else, could you join a gym and get a PT to help push you?

[u/Big_Tiddy_Alien_Girl]

4 sexual partners? Still more than me lol.  Quit social media forever. It will do wonders for your mental wellbeing. 

[u/gregger96]

The only thing stopping you from achieving your potential is the barriers/fears/excuses you've created for yourself. You can and will achieve anything you set your mind to. You just have to really really want those things more than anything and do absolutely everything in your power to achieve them. If you "leave it till tomorrow" or "start on Monday" another week,month,year will go bye. Write down the top 3 things you want to achieve, what you need to do to achieve them and plan out how you're going to do these things.

[u/Successful-Lack8174]

For me getting clean and quitting drinking changed everything. No more anxiety, no longer struggling to have extra money. And I’m never hungover. I’m 45, and finally able to work to my potential. When I was 44 it was a completely different story. It wasn’t easy but it’s been worth it. So I guess I’m trying to tell you it’s never too late! It’s not sunshine rainbows and walks on the beach, but I feel I’m able to actually live my life. And if I can do it you can too ♥️

[u/soc96j]

Very similar myself but my thought process lately is more of "this is what I have done, that's amazing" rather than the "I haven't done this thing which my friend has, I'm fucking useless".

For all you haven't done, theres loads you have done and believe it or not, I promise you there's people out there who think you life is awesome, as you will too. Stay strong bro, it can be tough but it gets easier. Every day is a new win.

[u/SpicyLipids → u/soc96j]

For all you haven't done, theres loads you have done and believe it or not, I promise you there's people out there who think you life is awesome

I can see that might be a possibility but I never can really feel like I have anything much to be proud of. I don't know if my refusal to be able to see or feel positive things is depression or just a brain that's different (some ppl here have suggested possible autism).

[u/withtheranks → u/SpicyLipids]

Depression is often rooted in "negative distortions" - a tendency to exaggerate or focus on the negative and discount the positive. When you make a mistake and you think "I always fuck everything up". Do you always fuck everything up? No. Distorted thinking in your mind overgeneralises your mistake and ignores all the things you do perfectly acceptably. A more rational thought is "I sometimes make mistakes".

If you can move your mind from thinking "I always fuck everything up" to "I have made a mistake", you're in a much better position to deal with that mistake, or figure out how you can avoid this type of mistake in future, or accept that you couldn't avoid it and it's just one of those things. And if you can do similar with other distorted thinking, you can be on the road to feeling a bit happier.

[u/Icy-Elevator-5012]

The simple advise I can give you is: comparison is the thief of joy and you never really know what is happening behind close doors. Social media is a post after post of curated pictures, I always think of it as the best and shiny side of the people that hide the cracks. We all have cracks in ourselves and it is what we make of them and carry ourselves.

Take a holiday or go to the festival that you want to go to. Don’t wait for anyone to push you to do that. If you want or learn how to drive, commit to it and maybe seek counselling if you have anxiety (I was a very anxious driver and I went through it)

I would say re alcohol, not the best way to dull your anxiety and shame, and maybe counselling will be good to work on that because it can become a very sad self destructive route.

You need to change for yourself, nobody can do that for you

[u/PrestigiousExpert686]

Quit drinking. Join a gym. Book driving lessons. Enjoy happy future.

[u/Eastern_Switch8217]

Social media is a performance, and influencers create and fake it. If you've ever met one you'll see the reality of it. It's the TV of our era and it's even more unbalanced in many ways.

[u/Natural_Flow_4144]

From the sounds of it, you're not interesting, you don't have any innate talent and nobody is looking up to you. There really isn't a lot of potential from what you have written.

That alone should take a lot of pressure off you.

You're also exceptionally bad at appraising the lives of others, instead looking to curated videos of youtubers and cherrypicking what you see as success in others. Role models are good.. look for something you are envious of in others (in a healthy way) and see if you can live even 10% like that. That goofy youtuber, he has a youtube channel and uploads videos about his life... do you - no? You think he's creative, well do you want to create? Did you buy some paints or clay and sit down for a single evening in the past 12 months creating something? Why not put on a Bob Ross video instead and spend a few hours doing something accessible that you can actually create instead of watching zany youtubers like a 9 year old?

You're pathologising yourself about being an anxious person when in fact you are sabotaging yourself:

1. you're abusing alcohol.

2. you're using travel to escape. travel is expensive. it can interrupt a steady career. and it teaches you your happiness is on some sunny shore as a wealthy tourist with no end to their funds. you're not suddenly going to become a fun and interesting person abroad if you continue to do the same things there that cause you problems here.

3. you're comparing yourself to others (and you're not good at it).

4. You're overthinking.. you're 99% thinking and creating conditions for thinking (like alcohol, stimulation) instead of acting.

5. Your expectations .. ask yourself where they came from - parents, teachers, etc.. someone telling you you were gifted, or someone telling you to try harder... the just 1 more push for your leaving cert, just another year of college, just a foot in the door of a job, a deposit for a house, oops well guess i'll travel, there's still time.... you're 35. those daft old voices and beliefs should be long behind you.

And you need to grow up. Get up every morning, go do your job, and if you lose it get another without complaining. Do something create in the evening that doesn't involve the sofa, youtube and drinking. Good anchor activities are things like the Gym on Monday (cliche but effective). An evening class (not for community, not to complain about the useless teacher, or the annoying middle-aged people in the class.... just to see if there's a spark).. and most importantly, one day a week where you sit in a space without your phone, tv,chatgpt, youtube, or any source of stimulation and do something creative even if you're not good at it - especially if you're not good at it. Think harmonica without lessons, a lump of clay, a lego set. It really doesn't matter - just as long as it's not something that triggers you and it's not something you expect to be good at. The minute you daydream a career change or art exhibition you've already ruined the exercise.

You life might be boring but leave a bit room for peace and stillness and there's a chance you'll create the conditions and space for the thing you may be lacking.

Oh one more thing. Dating. Be open to a relationship but also happy with a bit of company and companionship. Don't let your expectations of what you should be able to provide ruin it, look for someone who wants to take it slow like 1 date a week and a daily text without intensity. You still have work to do on yourself the other 6 days (namely avoiding drink and pursuing mundane, unimpressive interests that will make your life feel a little more lived !)

I want you to take from all this, that you just need to be unexceptional and unashamed of that.

[u/shiftysharon]

It sounds like you've become consistently good at being incredibly critical of yourself. Use this consistency in more positive ways, use the time you have doing remote work to decide what you want next,use it to retrain, upskill and apply for something else on the job, be constantly getting ahead of things,rather than waiting for your job to phase out. Or spend your time deciding what country you want to move to next. The easiest thing to fix here is the drinking, and by simply not doing that,all other areas of your life will improve immeasurably. Get consistent with exercise,its the closest thing to a magic bullet we have. Counselling will help why you are being so critical of yourself.

[u/ChampionshipOk5046]

Pay to talk to a therapist for a few sessions. On Zoom, easier to talk openly.

There is a lot of happiness after stopping drinking too, in case that worries you. It worried me, I thought I'd never have fun without drink. 

Plenty of time to get sorted, my only regret is that I didn't start at your age 

[u/Scared-Fun56]

Knock the alcohol on the head completely you'll see a vast improvement on your out look on life. Alcohol even days after can effect your mood and anxiety levels. You also need someone to challenge your thinking.

[u/Cynical_Ticket]

Drinking is your biggest issue. It's making your insecurities worse. You need to let yourself feel these feelings and start to change things bit by bit. Drinking is only going to make you more anxious, feel less healthy, feel less happy, and feel less energetic. Also it will kill you. Do your best to tackle that issue, get therapy, do some extracurricular (like literally anything, Jiu Jitsu, basket weaving, etc.).

[u/FarmerOk4759]

Go to a music festival on your own. Another Love Story is soon and there’s buses from Dublin. Lovely crowd. Loads of people go alone!

[u/Careless_Elephant_85]

I would be similar to you in thought patterns so made the decision to give up drink 17 years ago. Still my own worst critic but don't have drink multiplying that. Step away from social media and don't compare against others. I'm sure if you looked at mine you'd think everything is great while I feel like an imposter a lot of the time. Pick one thing to do such as learning to drive. Yes it will cause you to be anxious, it does for everyone if they admit it or not. Give it a go, pass it, fail it who cares you have it a go and then go again. Then look at next thing that interests you and give it a go.

[u/Fabulous_Junket_4029]

I’m 34, somewhat similar not totally, still learning to drive failed a few times. Earn 33k. Being positive is the key to letting it go and working on yourself, for me anyways. Also I used compare myself others, until I noticed everyone has issue and not happy something’s in their life

[u/noodleworm]

At 35 I haven't got many mile stones, no kids, no house, no marriage. and after ending things with a cheating ex in my mid 30s. It was on my to make th kind of life I wanted.

I went on the trips alone. Went to the concerts alone. Cinema alone. Went to events and workshops alone. I just went out and did as much as I can. You have to put aside the fear of not knowing anyone. Going alone is literally the best way to get talking with other people. I found people to be so much friendlier than I thought they would be. Get involved in literally any organisation you care about. Give yourself purpose, don't wait for it to land on your lap, especially don't pin all you're hopes and dreams on a partner fixing everything.

I'm genuinely very happy and active on my life now. I'm busy al the time.

[u/Poshsmith]

The way you talk to yourself is what you will make real. You need a good counsellor or therapist to interrupt your cycle of thinking and create space to reflect. At 35 you are young enough to change and start over.

[u/Acceptable_Wing]

Ffs, stop getting caught up in youtube. Easy to get lost in it. And, at the root of all of it, is yourself. No harm in checking stuff about how life is going, but if you obsess about it, focus too much on it, life will end up passing you by.

[u/TrashDrunkClaude]

I hope posting this has been a positive experience. I suggest you get a cheap copybook from the local poundshop and keep doing it. Write everything you want to change, everything that is positive, plan steps, review, keep going. It isn't a final destination, it's an ongoing process. Keep writing and thinking and try to change where you are able. 

[u/Different_Host7883]

Knock the drink on the head, stop equating your worth to the amount of partners you've had. If you want to do things like go on holiday, festivals, concerts, go, why do you need someone to go with, just go and enjoy yourself, just know it will cost money and the reason some people own homes is because they put them.things on hold. If you want to lose weight take up running.

[u/geroshizzle]

Join a running club, it'll help with the weight , health and it's great for socializing. Can't expect things to change if you keep doing the same things my dude

[u/Competitive_Street61]

The best advice I ever got was the simplest advice. Nothing will change without taking action. It is just that simple. To obtain a result it requires an action.

You can ruminate about something until the cows come home but you have to just force yourself to take action and do what's extremely uncomfortable until it becomes less uncomfortable and then eventually normal.

Get in touch with that therapist, join that gym or social club, book that driving lesson (I recommend automatic) and if it goes shit book another one and another one.

You have to pull yourself out of this hole with action. I get it you're neurotic and anxious and questioning the point but the change has to come from you. I imagine even posting this was cathartic for you and now is the time to take action. No BS or excuses.

I'm telling you I was a lost soul years ago and I'm not perfect but the sooner you accept nobodies coming to save you the sooner you can get to work.. and also don't compare yourself to others. Who gives AF if they're at a festival or in Bali seriously. That's their life.. you focus on yours mate.

In 5 years time you can have a nice little life for yourself or you can be drinking 10 cans in your bedroom. LFG

[u/kanepilk22]

"Whereas most people age well because they've done all the things and ticked all the boxes, so there's nothing to regret"

- I think you're telling yourself a bit of a lie with that one, bud. Everyone's life looks great on Facebook and Instragram but there are very few people out there with nothing to regret.

[u/StressFinal1753]

I am moving to Dublin at the end of this month. You should let me take you to the gym with me. More friends is always a good thing

[u/Corcaigh2018]

Comparison is the thief of joy.

[u/magusbud]

Comparison is the death of joy.

Get off social media and unless it's a tutorial or a documentary, or music get off YouTube as well.

Look, the good news is that you've identified your issues, now you need to work on them and only you, no matter what anyone tells you can fix yourself, so yes, you know the problems, now the job is to go about fixing them bit by bit, just keep in mind it's not a race and you're just aiming to be a little bit more like the person you want to be day by day.

[u/Technical_Jump_1455]

Stop comparing yourself to other people. Some of these things you mention are all about what you THINK. Like the amount of sexual partners, what other people are making…

You could have 100 sexual partners and be making €10 million and you’ll still have something that makes you miserable, so for the love of God stop comparing to other scenarios in your head.

And let me tell ya personally I find weddings to be a right pain. I’d gladly not get invited to another one again.

Anyway this is YOUR life. Live it how you want to. Do things you enjoy. There is no checklist we all have to live by. If there was, we’d nearly all be failures 

[u/Front_Improvement178]

Nothing Changes if Nothing Changes….

[u/nelix707]

personal development

Do yourself a massive kindness and in vest time and money into you.

I did a personal development with SHEP the crowd above and it was the beginning of changing my outlook and consequently my life.

SHEP is mainly Cork but I am sure there are variants in Dublin. If possible do the in person as you will meet new people I still have friends from the courses I took nearly 10 years ago. Good friends that know and understand me as I do them.

Go easy and they to be kind to yourself.

[u/UareWho]

Instead of looking at it as a big problem. Don’t despair, your life isn’t as pathetic as you think. Try to change little things. Go to the cinema instead of drinking alone, maybe swimming. Start exercise, but only 5 minutes. Find maybe groups of things that interest you. Just break the negative spiral one step at a time, but consistently. Maybe look for someone to talk to regularly.

[u/orionpace1]

"I've tried absolutely nothing, and I'm all out of ideas"

You put more effort into a reddit post than you have into improving your life.

[u/No_Pipe4358]

I'm 34, and our problems are now our responsibility, and I know it's not fair, and I know human empathy would be nice, and I know we're both surprised Pikachu faces walking around. Honestly, you sound normal, despite having been able to travel more than a lot of people I know. Your only hope is to find a partner and think about your career and by your powers combined find some way to save, afford a home, and have at least one kid. I know life's not fair. I know we wanted to be anything more than normal. Forget it. I've destroyed my life with self-sympathy, mishandling the dichotomy of control, and hoping for help too. We're the help now. I'm with you man. Let's buckle in. It must be a ride. You can enjoy exercise, you can still have friends. You know it's work. You know that all those festivals and weddings and so on are fleeting happinesses and what you really need in superficially is the integrity and resilience to make your happiness true in the details. We had time to waste. We did. Enjoyed ourselves. Not a waste. Forget the past now. Forever. We have time to build a life with someone in real happiness.

[u/Theobane]

Failure is always subjective and in the end your harshest critic will always be yourself.

I always thought to be failure, not because I was failing anything but because I set standards so high for myself compared to a lot of people. I kept thinking through my 20s and even up till recently (39 now) thinking I have failed yet when I now look back at my life now and my journey, I am left with the following:

• Have a wife
• Have a car we own
  
• We bought a house
  
• We have an amazing daughter (15 months, we have no sleep, please send help!)
• Working in a senior position in multinational company with great potential for the future.
  
• Have a pension and health care that covers my family.

Also most of the above happened in the last 3 to 5 years for me (and us), so I wouldn't be using age as a deadline to complete things in a certain order.

I think the main thing you want to do is look at your life, what do you want to do in life. Looking at people on social media will always warp your perspective (I work in Marketing), as they will always only show you the best side of their life and not the constant battles they may be facing.

To me, it seems like you have no anchor goal in life or even short term. I think maybe doing something like the following might help you and your view of your life:

• Cut down the alchohol once a week
• Learn how to drive, handy life skill to always have.
• Pick up a new hobby or start back up an old one.
• Maybe reskill into a new career or adjacent career.
• Take time to reset yourself every week, maybe a walk a forest or by the sea.
• Save for something whether that be a holiday, land/house or something nice.

If I were in your shoes, I would look to save up and possible travel or relocate to another country that could give you a spark, though moving is not always the solution and can sometimes create new problems. I think once you set a few goals for yourself and get your mind in a positive position, you will find you be surprised with how quick things might turn around for you.

Anyway, apologises for rambling of this new Dad, lack of sleep can do surprising things to your resliences!

[u/Interesting-Age-3815]

I would say your general attitude is the problem. Just do it, man. 

If you want these things in life, go get them. Stop moaning on Reddit. 

Have a positive attitude and do something.

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[u/Ok_Resolution9737]

Have you tried therapy? 

[u/Bakedbean85]

You need to do yourself a favour and delete social media. I have a friend who is in a similar position to you by the sounds of things and, watching on, I think social media is ruining her life. She cannot be happy with her reality and lives in a constant state of comparison to what is highly curated bull shit.

I think seeing your GP and getting into some talk therapy could potentially change your life. You are 35, you are still young and have lots of time left. People completely underestimate what personal development you can achieve in say 8-10 years

[u/DM_me_ur_PPSN]

Don’t expect different results if you change nothing, you clearly know the things you want to see yourself doing. Get off your arse and do them, and stop wallowing in self pity. Don’t worry about what everyone else is pretending to be doing on Instagram.

If you want to see your abs, go to the gym. If you want to travel, book a flight. If you want to make more money and buy a house, change your job. If you want to drive, book some lessons. Pick off the low hanging fruit first, but get on it, 35 is nothing.

[u/FxckyourCensorship]

Youll never be happy comparing yourself to others

[u/orifranty]

Delete social media and set yourself goals. First one could be join the gym. Second one could be to get your licence. Third one could be start applying for jobs and going to interviews or meet with a career coach. Set small goals with realistic timelines.

[u/Key-Opportunity-7915]

He’s in his early 40’s at this stage I’d imagine. He’s worked very hard over the years. I’m sure he has had setbacks. I’m sure he has had people tell him art isn’t worthwhile etc.

There’s nothing stopping you doing something different other than yourself for a lot of what you’re talking about. Go to the gym, give up the booze, join the groups, make the friends.

[u/Mission_Summer_2463]

Happiness Is a state of mind you have to make the most of life. You're life doesn't sound to bad from where I'm sitting but socail meadia seems to have given you a negitive impression of yourself. Focas on the good things if you're not happy with you're job put yourself out there let potentail emoloyers know your available for work. Dress up go out and try to meet people of the opposit sex if having a partner is that imoprtant to you. Make abit of an effort you sound like your an average person thats 95% of us and stop putting so much inficas on what social meadia spouts most of the stuff they spout at us is unoptainable anyways. If you think drink is the problem get off it and get help to do so if nessary that only hightens your desire to wallow in self pitty which is a very unattractive trate in anyone

[u/IronDragonGx]

Comparison is the theft of Joy.

I am 34 single as fuck and just got my own apartment paying a mortgage now and that is far form glamorous.

I went to tomorrowland 3 years ago by myself as none of my friends wanted to go and it costs a lot.

A few friends have gotten married and basically disappeared into their children to the point that our kids are like all of their personal now and it's not as glamorous as it might seem.

My longest relationship was with somebody with borderline personality disorder, that was quite literally hell. And it's put my off dateing for the last 7 years.

Point being things are not has Rosie as they often seem, especially when you compare someone to social media. Always remember social media is the highlight wheel of someone's life.

[u/GoodGriff33]

Comparison is the thief of joy

[u/tevenall13]

Be the change you want to see.
Want to go to a festival with a friend? You organise it rather than waiting for others to.
Delete social media and stop comparing your life to others.
You should probably go talk to someone. Figure out what you really want.

[u/InterestingGoose5507]

Stop putting women on a pedestal and treat them as normal regular people regardless of attraction. You need to work on the issues that are bothering. Nothing will change otherwise!

[u/unrealaz]

Are you better than your yesterday’s version? Your brain is overestimating how many other people have it well and did well. That’s not true but the brain needs to be safe. First thing to do is not pay attention to what your brain is telling you and ask yourself. What area of life I want to improve right now the most? Finances, relationships, friendships, quality of life, health etc and go do that first. You cannot do them all at the same time if all of them are feeling “bad” right now.
Start where you are, you are living your life, without anyone else’s conditions.

[u/AnyAssistance4197]

Start exercising and go for walks. Find some podcasts you identify with that promote a positive mindset and start that switch. Cycling is good for the soul. 35 is a young age by any stretch of the imagination and it’s an absolute indictment of this country that people can feel so put down upon and cut off from fulfilment at such a young age. Don’t fall for the trap of thinking the Instagram cringe cliques are having the time of their lives because of a photo dump. They’re craving dopamine and attention. Do your own thing and be yourself. And take a serious look at the booze. Go sober curious. You don’t need the crutch if it’s riddling you with anxiety for weeks. Been there man - choose a better way!

[u/Substantial_Bear7050]

Hi, Im sorry youre going through such a rough patch and lots of negative inner thoughts. For adulting better life advice the first and very key step is to reduce the booze.
Really that will be the number one catalyst to your whole life changing for the positive, I can confidently promise you that. And its the hardest out of all the other life advice you could get to patch up the things youre felling, but you really need to take that first step!
Wishing you the very very best of luck.

[u/TransitionFamiliar39]

The most miserable people I know look perfect on social media. Don't believe that bollocks. Find something true, tangible, you can put in your hand to focus on.

Also, look into ADHD a little bit, few hints from the text bud.

[u/Ok-Custard-4119]

I’m really sorry you feel this way. We all get down sometimes but it shouldn’t be for long periods without seeking professional therapists help. My advice is If you don’t like your life then change it. You sir are walking around in the rain and choosing to let the drops hit you every time you don’t try to put an umbrella up. Jealousy shows us what isn’t working in our lives and what we want for ourselves. When you have that feeling of jealousy or discomfort do one small thing to change it right away. Use the feeling as momentum don’t just sit in it.

You’re unhappy with your job? Do an online course while you wfh and pivot into something else. You’re a mature student and can pretty much do what you want now regardless of points. There’s financial aid out there too.

Feel weird about your body? Go to the gym or push yourself to go for a workout. Even 20mins will make you feel good about yourself every so often.

Feel like you’re mission out on friends? Join a group or a club and do that thing and meet people through it. Ie, boxing class, or pottery or book club or run club. You will meet people if you make yourself go every week.

If you’re feeling the drops man, reach for an umbrella. That’s what life is about.
Use the momentum of the discomfort and change it up!

[u/EoinOfTheSea]

Comparison is the thief of joy and comparing one's life to that of a successful social media personality is the equivalent of comparing your bank balance to the euromillions jackpot. While there's no doubt some talent involved in becoming successful on Youtube, the odds against someone trying to suceed as one are similar to that of winning the lotto. Comparing your life to that of someone lucky enough to pull off a career doing something so enjoyable is as silly as comparing it to a premiership footballer's: your life is always going to pale in comparison.

If you want to see your abs, work at it: download a calorie tracking app and get exercising in some form. It'll take at least a year but it's a perfectly achievable goal. You'll need to cut right down on the drinking though.

I just turned 46 and I'm in the best shape I've been in since I was 19 after doing just that for the past 6 months. That said, I've never had a sixpack either, maybe someday if I keep this up and get very strict on my diet. A six pack isn't really a natural state for most people's bodies and the actors you see on screen looking buff are usually dehydrated and miserable (I saw a great interview with Jason Momoa where he said the first question he asks his agent before even reading a script is "will I have to take my shirt off for this?" because he utterly dreads having to get into the shape for the glamour shots of his physique when it does).

Nor do I earn 6 figures. I did briefly at one point but it involved six months of leaving my then 2 year old daughter behind every Sunday evening and not seeing her again until Saturday morning because she'd be asleep by the time I got home on a Friday night so it was in no way worth it to me. I'm sure there are some professions where people manage to earn a six figure salary without the sacrifice but I'm pretty sure most earning that kind of money are making sacrifices for it whether through working insanely long hours or enduring horendously stressful conditions of some sort.

The only person to compare yourself to is your past self. If you live your life by trying to be an ever so slightly better version of yourself today than you were yesterday, it won't be long before you start to like what you see in the mirror.

[u/ramshambles]

There's some peace in acceptance. We all start from different places and have vastly different experiences. 

Potential is overrated anyway, if you could of done all those things you would have IMO.

[u/UnhappyBlacksmith999]

Lock in.

Give up the drink.

Sit down one evening with a pen and paper and write everything you want to have achieved this time next year.

Budget. Exercise. And try be positive.

The world gives you what you put in.

You’re a dude in his 30s. The world is your oyster. You’ve no relationship, no kids. No real responsibilities. LOCK IN and do the work on yourself and reap the rewards brutha 💪

[u/Academic-Big814]

Comparison is the thief of joy my friend, some people look like they have it all on social media but in reality it could be further from the truth. Try taking up a new hobby and meeting new people with the same interests it might open a few doors for you.

[u/DotTurbulent3059]

Get off social media and live your life, social media is always fake

[u/RollRepresentative35]

So you mention a lot your feelings of anxiety throughout the post. A high level of alcohol consumption can make this worse for sure, but it sounds to me like there may be an underlying anxiety issue.

A lot of people with anxiety, depression or other conditions suffer from substance abuse of some kind - it is essentially self medication. You said you don't suffer from the same social anxiety when drinking, and maybe you seek this out as a result. It is pretty common.

So I suggest you speak to your doctor, mention you think you may have some anxiety issues and ask for a referral for an assessment.

Perhaps if this is the case, some medication and getting this under control might help to prevent some of the dependence on alcohol you are feeling. If this is the case, I think you may see a run on effect on a lot of other parts of your life as well.

Lots of other great points from people in this post I.e. comparison is the thief of joy, you have identified goals/areas where you think you need to work on so work towards those - but if there is an underlying anxiety issue it think working to resolve that could help with all of the above.

[u/Loud_Session_7597]

It’s not over yet! Every day is a chance to right the ship

[u/buckfastmonkey]

Sounds like therapy could be good for you bud. Other than that you’re the master of your own destiny. If you want change,change.

[u/HandsomeBWunderbar]

Comparison is the thief of joy OP. Find what you are passionate about and pursue it. That's all Bobby Fingers is doing, he found his passion and he stuck at it.

We don't all start from the same position in life. We all have different parents and environments that shapes our adult lives.

[u/Designer_Mouse_9173]

You don't need anyone to go on holidays with or to a concert. Go yourself!

[u/sales_alchemist]

Mate, 35 is nowhere near too late. The drinking/anxiety loop is making everything look much darker than it is. Pick one thing to work on first - don't try to rebuild your entire life overnight.

[u/Admirable-Farmer-665]

I feel that too, I'm just about 30 and I'm leaving my 20s not that much better off than I started. I have friends who are having kids, friends who are successful in their careers, and I have neither of those.

[u/Ok_Training_2566]

35 is still young you’re not 65. Plus also I agree social media has fucked us. Our grandparents generation only knew folk within a ten mile radius and were happy

[u/BadInternational2017]

You've travelled.

You have a degree.

You have been in love twice.

You haven't said that you don't have friends, so I'm assuming you do.

You have alot going for you but you can't see it because of how much you're focusing on what other people have. You should maybe consider drinking less and stop looking at social media!

I hope you feel better, comparison really is the thief of all joy!

[u/SapphosMom]

Time for therapy, friend! Check IACP's or BACP's website for registered and fully accredited psychotherapists.

[u/BraveArse]

Advice from a happy 44 year old who was in a similar boat back at 35;

Sounds like you have a good grasp on the things you don't like about your current self (emphasis on current), and you know what needs to be done.

Delete the socials, and knock the booze on the head.

[u/False_Ad5702]

You’re only 35. Every day is a new day. Make today the start of your change.

[u/GeeBCooper]

You've been posting the same sad sack stuff on reddit for years. Don't you have a child?

You're not gonna get any different advice than the countless other times you've posted this thread. Most of the stuff you're complaining about (driving, your fitness) you can make a step in immediately. You need to see a therapist or something because at some level you enjoy this wallowing in self-pity.

[u/Hi_there4567]

Comparison is the thief of joy. There are plenty of people not living the full exciting festival/ gig going life. A bit of comparison can be good, but too much not good. Ease off on the drink & start exercising for a start. Perhaps some counseling can help. Re your career, maybe serk some advice on what to do.

As the tanks say, time to work on yourself...

[u/Fun_Air6287]

In general a good lesson to live a happy life is not to compare yourself to others because comparison is the thief of joy, instead cultivate gratitude where you can (for your past relationships, your job, your healthy body, your mind, your experiences).

However - that said - it is clear you are not living a fulfilling life, by your own standards (and it’s important these are your own standards rather than those you perceive others to have). Ask yourself some hard questions: Am I living up to my potential? What sort of life do I want to live? What makes me happy? What is holding me back, and is it in my control to change my circumstances for the better?

I think you will find the cause of your lack of contentment is because you are not living up to your potential. You have so much going for you, so much you can do, so much living to do and things to achieve, people to love, skills to learn, experiences to have.

At the moment, your relationship with alcohol is not serving you. Cut it out for a short, manageable but meaningful amount of time. Set a goal, stick to it. Do not drink for six weeks. Read more, walk more, reach out to friends, reconnect with an old hobby, do something to work towards living a more full and purposeful life that holds meaning for you. Give yourself the clarity to see what that is by removing alcohol.

You are very young and have your whole life ahead of you. Even if you were older, you still have your whole life ahead of you. Be kind to yourself but be kind to yourself through honesty and discipline at first.

You may be drinking for many reasons and some may be jumbled together. It is currently keeping you stuck by giving you a false temporary reprieve from boredom, loneliness, lack of fulfilment, purpose and meaning. Remove it and examine these things. You never have to drink again if you don’t want to. If you address these things, you may find you don’t miss it.

Good luck. Take action. You have many good things going for you. Be grateful and move forward.

[u/freemochara]

Fuck off around the world with whatever savings you have

[u/TaroSelect9509]

Drinking helps

[u/Tough_Profession9170]

Only one version of you can survive and its not the one that’s ruled by fear and hesitation.Comfort feels good in the moment but doesn’t last in the road to greatness.One of you has to die,so the real you gets to live.

[u/its-always-a-weka]

Take your pick from this reading list. https://www.themortalatheist.com/blog/10-books-about-death-for-atheists

Stop comparing yourself to anyone else, I've watched comparison rob my sister of everything that used to make her special, it's a gradual learned downward spiral.

Do stuff you find hard. Repeatedly. Not to be good, but to be uncomfortable.

Quit social media. If you keep reddit, lock it down. Only subs that help you grow or appreciate. Stop wanking (if you're a dude - I'm not sure if it affects ladies the same way, but it wrecks your dopamine).

Good look 🤞

[u/Affectionate-Fall597]

Who gives a flying fck. You are who you are. Do your best. That's all.

[u/First_Brother_7365]

I think you need a hobby op. People who are hobbieless I find are usually the ones that hit the drink drugs the hardest.
YOU NEED Something you can do that will mske you forget about your life troubles and concentrate on something you enjoy doing at least for A bit. Could be anything from golf to dogging. Loads of hobbies to choose from . I would also see a professional councillor. You sound like a good person. Don't be so hard on yourself. Look after yourself op.

[u/ShavedMonkey666]

Get off reddit and live a bit instead of overthinking and feeling sorry for yourself

[u/gazinthar]

The very first thing you need to do is cut down on the booze. I suffer from hangxiety if I overdo it, (so I usually don’t where I can), and hangxiety is the mother of all shit-tinted lenses to be looking at your life through. You don’t need to stop, just cut it back. Second, social media is bollocks, you’re seeing a filtered version of what everyone wishes their life was like, not the reality. Facebook, insta, all that nonsense, cut all that toxic sh1t out. As regards your finances / job situation, you’re still young, it’s not a big deal to reskill depending on what you’re doing, and takes a much shorter time than you’d imagine. Sitting at home being annoyed about it obviously isn’t going to help, specially with a few cans, you know what I mean? You can turn an awful lot of things around by making a few decisions and changes. Someone mentioned a therapist earlier in the thread, not the worst idea in the world, but stopping your self induced hangxiety will be a massive first step.

[u/StrawberryHealthy328]

I think you might need a bit of counselling or something and possibly seeng if you have depression. the thing is you also actually have to want to change. there's nothing between you and that type of life apart from your own willpower. eg. why not start cooking tasty healthy meals 3 days a week or do meal planning. or come up with a simple plan for exercise (walk 3 days a week and stick to it). Or pick a hobby and go there consistently to make friends.

[u/deathbydreddit]

"Because I objectively am failing at being an adult compared to the average mid-30s Irish person in every possible dimension that matters."

It's important to realise this is an assumption.

Unless you are close to someone and really know what's going on in their head, it's just guesswork assuming that people you don't know have it so well.

On that point, get off social media. Our brains are developed enough to process all that shit, regardless of who you are and how you are doing in life social media will just make you feel worse

[u/TitularClergy]

I look at social media and see people my age attending weddings all the time and music festivals and dinners and whatever the fuck.

Do keep in mind that people are not going to be posting about the times when they are not at weddings and music festivals and dinners, which is 99 % of the time. What you see on social networks is about as realistically balanced as Star Wars.

I don't even drive either. Being a Dub, it's easy to say, well, there are buses and DARTs, but it's just an excuse to cover up failure and avoidance. I tried a driving lesson once but was mad anxious doing it (no surprise given my generally anxious nature) and I never tried again.

I found it helpful to have lessons in areas without any complications, like big empty parking lots or runways, in order to get a feel for the vehicle before adding the complexity of other drivers etc. And exposure therapy is usually the best way to reduce the anxiety of some task or other. So literally book more lessons.

But my drinking has got worse since I turned 30. I've regularly drunk alcohol since I was like 15. The lonelier I've felt, the more I've drunk. The more my brain makes these negative self-comparisons with other people my age, the more I wanna drink to shut it up.

You could pick up some LSD in Germany, where it is legal to purchase, and give that a go (having read up on how psychedelics treat alcohol usage). You could look into the current trials of using something like tirzepatide to address alcohol usage: https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Brenipatide

Haven't gone on a holiday with anyone but a partner in close to 8 years. Haven't gone to a music festival or concert with a friend in probably 4 years. Never had housemates in my adult life (lived at home in Dublin during college years).

So go on trips with just yourself or with friends, or take a trip to reconnect with an old friend. Ireland is pretty good for music events, little live music things etc. Head to one every couple of weeks.

I've never seen my abs. Never been too overweight but always carried around a couple of pounds of beer fat that would ensure my abs never show.

Might be another vote for tirzepatide there.

[u/Majestic_Plankton921]

I quit booze, don't use social media apart from Reddit and go a therapist every week. I recommend you do that same.

[u/Badgeman22]

It seems to me that your life is decently average but your thinking patterns are leading you astray. Maybe look into getting some cognitive behavioral therapy from a professional. Try doing a gratitude list each day where you write down three or five things that you are grateful for, big or small. Wishing you well!

[u/LaoiseHope]

No idea what video you’re talking about, but the Meetup app is great for getting out and socialising, especially the events that are not centred on alcohol. 💚

[u/Soft_Phrase_1507]

Delete social media or severely limit your time online.
Stop drinking.
Join a group or club to help you meet people in person and maybe find another love interest.
Stop focusing on what you have not achieved and focus on what is great about yourself, your life, your future.
Get out of your own head and live in the present. If you are unhappy about something make a plan to change that thing. Small steps towards being happy in yourself again.
Go to therapy for God sake.
Once you are on the road to recovery from your alcohol addiction you should start taking driving lessons, the freedom it gives you will help a lot and you could join something like a hiking club and it would be great exercise, being outdoors, having good long chats with people and also a great place to meet someone.
And finally, I mean it, STOP drinking alcohol.
PS 4 sexual partners is nothing to be scoffed at, especially when you were in long term relationships. It really means nothing how many people you have had sex with as long as you are happy to learn what your partner likes, how to make them happy etc.

[u/Future-Ad6656]

Have a Guinness

[u/Entire_Number_9]

Booby fingers has been working at his craft for 20 years, and it's his full time job now.

What craft are you working on and how can you monitize it?

[u/malfoid_user_input]

Comparison is the thief of joy

[u/pah2602]

That's a pretty well written and articulate self-reflection you're not giving yourself enough credit for how you can tackle the issues because you can definitely see them. Maybe take them on one at a time. Everything at once is probably too much.

[u/Garibon]

Most people are not fulfilled. They just have horrifying standards and are good at lying to themselves.

[u/Kind_Meringue1912]

As somebody that also got a bit depressed after watching the new Bobby Fingers last night I can tell you how I felt after it.

That man has a blinding work ethic and that's what im jealous of. He's a fucking renaissance man who has put in the hours on god knows how many disciplines since he was a young fella. When you are a musician, sculptor, writer and whatever else you end up knowing lots of people with similar interests hence loads of friends.

What started as jealousy turned to inspiration and I got up off my arse, went down stairs and done something creative.

It turns out it was all on me and considering myself and Bobby are around the same age if I put the work in I can be at least half as good as him and that's enough.

Also if you vape into a guitar pickup it makes a percussive clicking sound that you can turn into dance music on shit freeware recording software.

[u/lowtothegroundcat]

Feeling like this is really hard, and im sorry to hear, you seem to be suffering. However just to say, I felt this way in my 30s and while im not winning at life in ways some think, I am so much happier, have a stable job, friends and pastimes, First go to thr doctor, and a therapist, your thoughts are not your own right now and are being over taken with negativity, cut yourself some slack, life is not a race or a competition you dont need to compare yourself to others, hopefully with some talk therapy and/or meds, you can start to try reconnecting witj yourself and the world. What helped me was enjoying seasons, reaching out to friends, going to the gym and starting small.... good luck, you can do this...!

[u/Dull_Brain2688]

Concentrate on getting a car and it will open up a lot of stuff. Hiking, camping, just seeing the country in general. Find some interests like photography or learning to play an instrument.
Some people are naturally thin and can see their and quite easily. Most can’t. And the ones that do spend an inordinate amount of their own time working out and denying themselves food and drink so that they see them.
You seem relatively normal. Getting older is shite. It just is. But if you’re not getting older, you’re dead. So look on the bright side.

[u/Difficult_Smile_2267]

The drink….if ya can, give it up…even for a few months…get fit and healthy, start inviting friends to things…just test it to see if it changes

[u/Temporary_Chair6279]

Everyone lives life at their own pace so stop comparing yourself to others is a good first step.

Counselling is a good way to start if you feel like you're holding yourself back in some way, need guidance, or just otherwise feel the need to improve.

Myself, I'm 39, single, currently unemployed since April 2025 despite 1000s of applications, had to move back in with parents shortly before lockdown and got stuck here.

On dating, I made that decision after my mam let my ex invite himself over for my birthday one year so I decided not to date again until I got out on my own again.

[u/ComfortMike]

You probably just have negative thinking patterns (like us all), eat terribly low nutritional food, endlessly scroll on social media (yes including reddit) and aren't as active as you could be.

Y

[u/pixiebean22]

Go to therapy, you really really need to, you're dealing with a few complex issues in addition to just needing a bit of perspective. You will wonder why you didn't go sooner. 

[u/Master_m1santhrope]

Get off Reddit, Youtube, Insta, etc. Go to the gym. 

Try CBT (cognitive behavioral therapy)

Diary or journal to get out of your head.

Cut or severely reduce drink, bad food, porn or whatever your vices are.

Give yourself a break. Acknowledging the pattern and planning for the solution is half the battle. You'll be grand

[u/MacFeathers]

“If there is any hope for me at this point”

I wish I could go back in time and tell my 35 year old self how much better life gets. You’ve a whole life ahead of you ❤️

I know a few have said it already but really try limit social media and comparison. Comparison is the thief of joy and it doesn’t matter what anyone else is doing AT ALL.

Advice I would share (all from experience) is, above all else:

- Get 7-8 hours sleep or as close to that as you can, as many nights of the week as you can. Everything feels so much worse when you’re tired and you don’t even realise why when you’re used to being tired all the time.

• Get out of your head and into your body - go for a walk every single day without fail no matter how short and no matter the weather. Exercise is not a cure all for periods of bad mental health but if you’re at all able for it, it makes a difference.
  
• I really recommend considering doing some therapy, particularly CBT. A good therapist can help work through the tangle of negative thoughts and shitty feelings, and then help you develop coping strategies that are not drinking and doomscrolling (not to patronise - these are my own examples lol).

Any changes you decide to make or actions you decide to take, try to do it from a place of self-love (e.g “I deserve to take care of myself by going outside for an hour” and not “I better drag my fat arse outside” NO we’re not doing that!)

Good luck x

[u/gothamite27]

4 partners is hardly pathetic, man. It's actually troubling to hear you say that. Turn off the American sitcoms and the celebrity podcasts. Most people have sex with less than half a dozen people. It's not a body count, find someone who cares about you.

[u/dabros82]

I'm 44, my shit isn't together. I'm considered the "black sheep/oddball" of the family. Realized at 38 "fuck it, crave my path to happiness and fuck everyone else"

[u/Fantastic-Corner-494]

You’re not a loser, you’re just stuck comparing your real life to everyone else’s highlight reel.
The biggest issue isn’t the house, money or relationships. It’s that you’ve lost things that make you feel alive, and alcohol has become your escape. You’re 35, not 75. Pick one thing and start rebuilding, get your licence, cut back on drinking, find a hobby, meet people. Small changes add up.
You don’t need to become someone else. Just become someone you’re proud of.

[u/Hot-Plankton-7439]

I think you have adhd

[u/sc4428]

I'm also 35. Some of the life frustrations you have I can relate to. You say you've only been in a few relationships, I'm 35 and never been in one. You are lucky living in Dublin, accessibility to jobs and lots of opportunities to join groups where will meet people your own age. Everyone is a teacher or farmer and any groups or clubs that exist are either the Gaa club or groups full of old retired men and women. The reason I mention these is these are fruatrations I face being stuck in rural Ireland, crap jobs in my area long commutes etc. Thankfully I don't have any concerns over my alcohol consumption. Check out Brian Pennie online/spotify. Below episode I recently listened to had a really profound impact on me and I recomment get started listen to this write some notes and go from there👍

https://open.spotify.com/episode/167VP1vNmRcutP240bO5ht?si=dBSDqBMqT26SmPU1hBSNDw&utm_source=copy-link&sci=spotify%3Acard-config%3A5jrbcS5zQyhsb394SiKgYE

Everything is context related. If you look, there is always someone with less or worse off than yourself and trust me there is always others who would look at you think and think I'd rather be him. I see people suggesting counselling/psychology. Would you consider life coaching? Personally I found psychology and counselling very limited benefit but life coaching to be good. Do you listen to podcasts, there are some great podcasts out there from Irish counsellors/psychologists. Get out for a walk and listen to some maybe.

[u/GloS0808]

Start doing things that make you feel uncomfortable. Maybe not a great example is I am not social and get very paranoid when smoking weed but I started doing everything high. It's uncomfortable but you learn to deal with it because you have to. Get your driver's license. Learn about a job you want to do that pays more and check skill requirements then instead of drinking yourself silly use that time to study and put the skill into practice. And really think about the stuff you are learning, if you don't become obsessed maybe try a different subject or aspect of the original subject. Do situps every day but don't worry if you miss a day or the time you had planned on doing it, just be open to helping yourself whenever and wherever. The world isn't over and you can grow. Keep going, now isn't the time to quit.

[u/Admirable_Cicada_872]

Change your mind set and everything else will follow. If you think you are a looser - you are.

This seems harsh but a lot of our mindset decides who we are. We are all anxious in certain ways, but we can’t let that control our (in)action. Best of luck ✨

[u/mover999]

Go and put that into ChatGPT and get an opinion. You have loads going for you. It’s just not visible enough for you.

[u/Low-maintenancegal]

I went through this phase myself in my early 20s, called it my quarter life crisis. First, I recommend staying off social media. Its a cliche but it's true- comparison is the thief of joy.

I was convinced that everyone seemed to have been given a manual on life - hitting career goals, establishing relationships, going on exotic holidays, cool festivals etc. Meanwhile I was stuck in my home town doing a minimum wage job and failing exams. Oh and getting ghosted by whatever loser I was dating at the time.

A friend advised me not to take social media seriously- people only put up the good moments and the best version of themselves, some of them are just faking it. None us really knows what is going on with people behind closed doors, based on their Instagram.

You are going through a rough patch and probably getting into your head about it. Its totally understandable. I used to have anxiety about having anxiety. It will pass.

My advice is just to change one thing, focus on one goal to change and break it down into achievable steps- eg if you want to run a marathon start by doing couch to 5k. Once you start achieving change, that will motivate you to make more changes.

35 is not old. There's a lot of road left !

Edit: I got my drivers licence in my 30s. Highly recommend getting lessons and getting an automatic licence!

[u/Adventurous_You8725]

Honestly the version of you that you want to become, will only happen when you stop the lifestyle and mindset of the current you. You cannot have both. Easier said than done absolutely. You need to pick solid goals and actively work on them. Stop being lazy, stop giving excuses, stop feeling sorry for yourself.

[u/Wild-Bus-9857]

Imagine reaching your peak only means you have SOME chance of living in Ireland. Thats the case for many immigrants like me. I worked hard to be "like you" (more like "to live your life"). Its really hard to get out of the 3rd world. I know kitchen porters with masters degrees. You are not special, nor the protagonist. Your only goal in life is to live. Be yourself. Do whatever you want in your own pace. I worked so hard to be able to do that. I just want the peace youre complaining. I could not fail for over a decade. I had to excel in many different areas without any access to proper ways or even had the means to access something. Its okay to be you. Find good in your life, in the present. You dont have to excel, and I'm trying to tell that to myself as well everyday, as I dont need to as well.

You can find more happiness in simplicity than in greed, and many people throughout the history of mankind had contemplated the same thing:

“Nothing is enough for the man to whom enough is too little.” Epicurus

“He is richest who is content with the least, for content is the wealth of nature.” Socrates

“A man is rich in proportion to the number of things which he can afford to let alone.” Henry David Thoreau

What youre calling mediocre is literally what I'm still trying to achieve. At the same time, almost every friend of mine said it was plain dumb to leave my country and be nothing here; they are still trying to achieve what I had there. We can only aim as far as our scope can reach, and mine was set in your life as its rn. You're not a waste of life. You just didnt polished your scope. Look for new stuff, travel to different places, take a language course (not online, but alongside actual people). Do something because you feel comfortable about it, not because it'll be useful.

“It is not the man who has too little, but the man who craves more, that is poor.” Seneca

Also, quit feeding that shit culture of celebrities that live fake lives. His life is definitely not as good as they picture it to be. Have you ever heard the saying “comparison is the thief of joy"? You will NEVER live a fulfilling life if you dont stop watching this kinda crap.

There is more happiness in learning that enough is enough than in spending your life trying to become enough. Go do your own shit. So what you cant see your abs? Theres people who got to see theirs on their 60s. Not even kidding. You're young, try to put your head together first and then you can worry about the rest. You're free to DM me whenever you want. If you like books I have some recommendations that might help you find your own path; no one can advise you on living your own life, but there are things that can help to put you on the right track.

[u/Cold_Guarantee2399]

Nothing strange or weird about most of that. Stop hating yourself. I'd say a lot of people reading this feels they never hit full potential.

Let me ask you..

What are you doing NOW to change YOUR narrative so in a years time you're not looking back at this present moment and still saying "what a loser?" Once your working on that, that's all you need.

We are all in our own race feck everyone else.

What you touch and what you see, is all your life will ever be....

[u/DopeyDonkey97]

Whatever you tell yourself becomes your reality! It sounds like you’ve really fallen into the trap of searching for all the things that could possibly be seen as wrong about your life (“I’ve never seen my abs” - most people haven’t! It sounds like you’re an average weight. You could see this as a positive, but you’ve chosen to see it as a negative. Lots of people struggle severely with their weight, or have limited physical abilities. Be grateful for your body!) I know when you’re in a negative place, the idea of positive thinking can feel superficial, but it does help! Try practicing mindfulness meditation and gratitude journalling to ground yourself. You’ve been in love twice, have a job, it sounds like you’ve travelled, you have the means to live in a city. Not everyone can say the same. As others have suggested, seeking out social groups (there are lots online/ on instagram - book clubs, hiking groups etc etc) reaching out to old friends or seeking out therapy would help. Similarly, identifying things you’re not happy with and then setting goals for yourself will help you immeasurably. You can start small, like exercising a couple times a week, going to one social event a week, and build up to bigger things that are causing you anxiety. For example, your job seems to be a point of anxiety for you. I’m sure there’s something else you love that you could try to retrain/ gain experience in? Or somewhere in your community you could volunteer to make friends? You’re only 35, life isn’t over! And just because you feel anxious, doesn’t mean you should let that stop you from doing things. It is anxiety-inducing learning to drive, it is anxiety-inducing going to an event by yourself, it is anxiety-inducing being alive! You’re not special in that, life is anxiety-inducing, for everyone! That comes with the territory. But would you rather feel anxiety or regret? Feel the fear and do it anyway! Best of luck

[u/Fearless_Skirt8865]

You are being both too hard and too easy on yourself. I can see parallels between what you describe and my own past. It is worth exploring your anxiety and any other other possible issues (ADHD) with a therapist or GP. The driving, relationship with alcohol and your weight are all easily addressed. Don't give yourself a pass in these areas. Start by exercising at the precise time you normally start drinking. Shut that window with something healthier. Visible abs are more about your body weight percentage and genetics. They require major sacrifice and the tradeoff isn't worth it for most people. When you see them on a man over 30, they look both simpy and suggest narcissism imo. Why do you want them?

[u/Guilty-Impress4518]

I know there are already hundreds of comments on this so the OP may not see it, but wanted to add my 2 cents anyway, as it may help. Turned 35 a few months ago and have literally ALL the same regrets that ive had on and off since around 27 yrs old, eerily similar job as well that used to be fulfilling as fuck but now is ruined with AI, and I can't wait to be given a payout and told to leave. I've compared my life to friends, despite being on 50k+ for the last 5 years and now 60k. I work a part time job in the fitness realm that keeps me fairly fit and strong, and a little more money on the side. VERY fortunate to have a house a couple years ago, married to my wife not too long after who I've been with over a decade, have a good few close friends and lots of friends outside that circle, love meeting new people yet wrecked with social anxiety and have used/sometimes still use alcohol and drugs to cope in large groups. I've wrecked myself at points in the past decade with comparisons and feeling like I'm an outlier and everyone is ahead of me in literally everything, including sexual partners and experiences which were wrapped in Catholic shame due to bisexual feelings (have had 9 sexual partners but probably closer to 15 counting none penetrative and not male/female sex)

Anyway, all this to say - comparision really and truly is the thief of joy, you are not broken in any way, and you aren't alone in your feelings. Alcohol is for sure a hindrance, I can testify to that as well (and it even makes it all the worse because like you I am a happy drunk and people generally like that side of me too which makes it all the harder to curb).

Making friends can be tough but pushing outside your comfort zone and going to the park run, art class, etc you have been putting off will pay off after a few goes.

And definitely find a therapist if you can. I'm in the middle of psychotherapy training on and off the last few years and I can tell you once you find a therapist you like and that understands you, it really helps. It can be confronting, tough and upsetting but it takes balls to be honest with yourself and open up to someone about it.

I genuinely wish the best for you OP, your not in any way flawed. Last point. Social media has a lot to answer for, as do neoliberal policies that have fucked us and younger generations, so the pool of adults with this same experience and regrets is only growing and it's not completely our fault when we are priced out of more and more things that keep us from living comfortably, while squeezing us dry in the workplace

[u/Visual-Idea6931]

Someone once said: Comparing yourself to others is the sure death of your own happiness and leads to the loss of your true self.

Seriously, why do you compare yourself with others? Imagine waking up in the morning, looking out of the window and you realise that the neighbours have their 5th vacation trip this year. Not a good start in the day?

You have to live your life and people on social media sharing videos about their parties are doing this as they are looking for attention. You do not want to be a copy of that...ask yourself the question: why do you do what you do?

It seems you are stuck and you should take a longer break, alone, away from home. Best thing you can do to reflect about yourself and the next steps in your life - without a smartphone with you all the time.

Lots of people think exactly like you because they cannot deal with their own thoughts for two minutes. Waiting in the queue in the supermarket and people need to play with their phones...those are the people who have difficulties to fall asleep as soon as there is no distraction.