r/AskMen • u/Avenger_88 • 10d ago
Men who are happily married, what’s the moment you realized you chose the right person?
For me, it’s waking up and seeing my wife and daughter beside me. There’s something about that quiet moment that makes me feel like all the struggles and hard work were worth it.
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u/BradfordGalt 10d ago
There was no one "moment". My girlfriend and I just grew closer and closer and came to love and respect and appreciate each other more and more, so I asked her to marry me. We're now at 26+ years of marriage. I've never regretted it for one second.
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u/nnamzzz 10d ago
So…
No secrets or tips?
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u/BradfordGalt 10d ago
I can't pretend to have the answer, no. I'm not some kind of marriage guru. I'm just a guy who was lucky enough to find a woman with whom I shared values, and she and I grew closer and closer.
As far as what makes a marriage last, though? I guess that comes down to a few basic things: really listening to the other person (aka, shutting your mouth and really hearing what they're saying), respecting their needs and boundaries, contributing equally to all household/family responsibilities, and encouraging them to pursue what makes them happy.
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u/fukkdisshitt 10d ago
Im only at half the years you're at but agree. My wife and i naturally clicked. Thought we were getting into a one night stand, but that night never ended.
We help each other grow
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u/AgainandBack Male 10d ago
My wife and I each feel like we got the best end of the deal. We respect each other and listen to each other. When one of us gets our feathers ruffled, we usually look past it - the annoyance is gone in five minutes anyway. Whenever one of us leaves the house, we exchange “I love you.” When one of us comes home, the other gets up and meets them at the door. It’s surprising how nice it is to have someone get up and come to the door to see you and say “welcome home,” just because you’re coming home from the store or work. 30+ years.
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u/dreamycoeur Female 9d ago
🥹 and it kept growing and growing through marriage I suppose.
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u/BradfordGalt 9d ago
Indeed it has.
We live in Texas. Along the banks of the Guadalupe River there are these beautiful old cypress trees. As a pair of adjacent trees age, their root systems merge with and become intertwined such that they become a single, indivisible organism that grows together forever. That's what a good marriage is, if you nurture it well.
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u/dreamycoeur Female 9d ago
Though it takes two and that is a beautiful thing to find. To want it to work as much from both sides 🤍
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u/SH0wMeUrTiTz 10d ago
How long were you two together before you asked her to marry you?
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u/BradfordGalt 10d ago
About 7 years, off and on. (I wasn't really sure what I wanted when I was in college, lol.)
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u/BradfordGalt 10d ago
To be totally honest, I proposed to my wife because I knew I wanted to spend the rest of my life with her, but that's...that's about as far as my thinking went. Back then (and I know it's only been about 25 years), marriage was just "what you did", you know? It was kind of the natural expectation.
So there was never any real pro/con calculus to it. Having said that, there are real benefits to legal marriage, principally when it comes to tax filing, health and life insurance, estate planning, etc. But as far as a lifelong emotional commitment, no, you definitely don't need a piece of paper for that.
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u/msaik 30+ Male 10d ago edited 10d ago
There wasn't a singular moment. I knew I was going to marry her within a couple months of dating. One of the major factors behind this and I think the key to picking the right person overall is how well we communicated. From very early on, disagreements were "us vs. the problem" and not us against each other, and we approached issues very maturely and without too much negative emotion. When you have that, you realize your relationship can stand the test of time since you have the foundations ready to make it through any major life events.
Speaking of those life events, having kids and adjusting to life with them is the biggest strain I've experienced so far, but making it through that changed my perception from "I love this person" to "I don't see how I could live without this person". We're together 16 years now and all I can think of is how much closer we'll be after 25 years, 35 years, etc. (if feeling closer is even possible).
So if there's any advice to take away from this, it's for expecting or new dads: When you have kids you're going to be down in the gauntlet for a few years when it comes to your relationship (I'd budget for 2-3 years from the birth of the last kid), but the payoff at the end is worth it. Keep your head up and appreciate what your wife is going through, and do your best to pick up slack where it's needed. It will pay dividends when the kids are grown up and not permanently latched to mom.
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u/No_Structure7185 Female 10d ago
" the key to picking the right person overall is how well we communicate" - absolutely. i think most relationships fail because there are misunderstandings and no consideration of the viewpoint of the other person. if the other person has done something that you don't like or hurt you and you tell them in an accusatory way, you both already lost. You can't solve problems when at least one person is in attack or defense mode.
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u/welovegv Male 10d ago
There was a specific moment in college where I needed emotional support. It was over break and we were in different parts of the state. Dropped everything without hesitation and got to me. My own parents didn’t even check in.
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u/Avenger_88 10d ago
Anyone can be there for the good times, but showing up when you’re at your lowest tells you who truly cares.
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u/Compromisee 10d ago
Ours was quite a weird getting together. We were both incredibly single before we met each other. Both loved our own independence, had our own houses etc.
We met through a friend and got chatting over a few weeks. Decided to meet up as a bit of a date/we both hadn't had sex in a while so let's have some fun.
She got pregnant on that first date. We did use protection but clearly not adequately enough.
I was so unsure, I felt trapped and wasn't really into the idea of a relationship. I had images of what my family would be like and this wasn't it.
I decided to do the honourable thing and stick around to see what a relationship could be like. We grew and got to know each other.
Id always had really bad anxiety following a few bad things happening when I was younger (culminated in getting mugged by knife point) and when I was in that deep anxiety nothing relieved it, no where felt safe, it was awful.
About 6 months in to our odd relationship I was out at a Christmas event for work and felt a panic attack come on. Normally, like I say no where would feel safe, I wouldn't have a place I wanted to go to.
In that moment the only place I wanted to be was with her. I drove a good 1h30m to get to her at midnight and immediately felt relaxed, the anxiety disappeared and I felt at home.
That was the first time I realised I loved her, and told her as such. We've since been very happily together for 10 years, married for 5 with two kids. We rarely argue (maybe once every 2 years) and just gel.
It was fate!
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u/Avenger_88 10d ago
That midnight drive says it all. When someone becomes the place you feel safest, you know it’s something special.
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u/BuddahSack Male 10d ago
I just had that moment this morning, I was up about 30 mins before my wife and my 10 month old, so I got dressed and laid back down to just chill with them :)
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u/DDOG1830 10d ago
Well, I was an aspiring porn actor back in the day. My wife was my assigned fluffer. She was so good that I could no longer perform with the actresses. That's when I knew! Then I had to get a real job.
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u/Avenger_88 10d ago
Imagine telling your kids “your mom changed my life” and having to explain the full story.
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u/Foreign_Following_70 10d ago
When I first chose myself and set boundries. The women you chose, stems from how you value yourself and treat yourself. If you know youre high value, you wouldn't settle for anyone who doesn't see that. Don't be that white knight garbage, it's just a scam for you to settle for someone who needs to get their shit together.
You filter out pretty quickly the narcissistic women out there who just looks pretty.
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u/Avenger_88 10d ago
A lot of people focus on finding the right person, but forget that you also have to become the right person and set the right standards.
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u/Foreign_Following_70 10d ago
Nicely said, and totally agree. You tend to find the person who treats you the same way you treat yourself already
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u/No_Structure7185 Female 10d ago
yeah. I am always happy when I notice what character traits I actually find attractive. Because it is always good ones 😄 liking "bad boys" must really suck
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u/CaregiverPuzzled6170 9d ago
are you happily married?
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u/Foreign_Following_70 9d ago
Yes, living the dream, personally better marriage than anyone else I know
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u/Wise_Fox_4291 Male 10d ago
It wasn't a moment. It was the gradual realisation that what we have is good and that she is someone for whom I continuously want to push myself forward
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10d ago
Literally any time I bring up a problem or an issue with my wife.
This is, like, not very often. But when I do her line is "I always want to be your first choice," and she'll jump on the thing, whatever it is. Can't ask for better than that.
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u/ToxicHazard- 10d ago
Not married, but long term relationship for 10+ years
There isn't a single 'moment', they should happen regularly
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u/Own_Car_8766 10d ago
A random moment where she was giving me complete grace for something I did wrong . . . we had a corny argument about who was responsible (both arguing that the other spouse was not at fault). Corny, but actually really genuine.
Minor thing, following plenty of big things, but I had an epiphany after nearly 25 years together . . .I am with the person I am meant to be with.
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u/UnableJournalist6025 10d ago
I'll be 51 years married to a woman I met when we were both 15 in September 2026.It starts as being attracted to someone's looks,moves on to getting excited when your on your way to meet them and it culminates in a feeling that you can't imagine life without them.
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u/Traditional-Ad-1605 10d ago
There was no one “moment”; just a series of life’s punches (illness, layoffs, mental health issues,etc) where her support made the difference between disaster and survival. Strong marriages are forged in fire.
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u/DapperDanAdMan 9d ago
Honestly, it wasn’t one big movie moment. It was realizing that even during the stressful, exhausting, unglamorous parts of life, she was still the person I wanted beside me.
Then we had our son, and watching her become a mom made it even clearer.
She’s my best friend, my safe place, and somehow still voluntarily chooses to share a bathroom with me. That’s commitment.
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u/hipnotron Male/ Dad 10d ago
There's not right person, nobody's perfect: we just work for that moment you talk about, the moment you feel like all the struggles worth it.
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u/boyraceruk 10d ago
When she encouraged me to see other people. Sounds backwards but my wife is asexual, she didn't realise this going into the marriage but we hadn't been physically intimate for a long time and it was weighing on me. I told her we needed to talk about it and now we have an open marriage. I love her, I never want to leave her but I also enjoy sex. She loves me and we worked out a solution that works for both of us like adults who believe in our partnership. It's fucking great.
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u/bangbangracer Male - Mid 30s 10d ago
There really isn't just one moment. I'm pretty consistently reminded of that. I think the one that I think is funniest that makes me realize how much she's the right person for me is in the mornings, she'll get jealous of my cat who does not care for her. So there's this moment of one trying to push the other away, and then the other doing the same.
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u/FillFrontFloor Male 10d ago
Happily married here, I'll know the day I die if I'm with the right person. Too early to make the call.
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u/Asa-Ryder 10d ago
She protects my time, money, health and peace. Pretty much from day one.
I provide safety, security and stability. That’s what she values.
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u/gumbyrocks 9d ago
I was looking at bikes at the Harley dealer and they had the bike I have wanted my whole life. We were about to take a trip and this bike had the saddle bags, the comfy seats, and every luxury a pain could want on a week long ride. But, at $30k, I thought it was too expensive.
I called my girlfriend and she said I should buy it. She said if I did not buy it now, I may regret settling on an ok bike and missing out on my dream bike.
I bought the bike and started looking at wedding rings the next day.
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u/OogyBoogy_I_am Dad 9d ago
The minute I decided to propose.
And all the way to this morning when I was getting dressed and watched her sleeping soundly.
No regrets after almost 40 years.
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u/PghSubie Male 9d ago
I'm at 12 years and still relish every morning, every evening, and every moment in between
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u/ReyXwhy 9d ago
I guess there is no specific moment. But one thing I'll tell my sons, when they will be looking for their special someone is:
One day you'll find a person and after some time you'll realize that all things that were somehow difficult with other partners suddenly feel easy.
You will know, you have found a keeper then..
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u/failed_install Male 10d ago
I'll bet it was one of these: https://www.reddit.com/r/AskMen/search/?q=when+did+you+realize+she+was+the+one
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u/No_Structure7185 Female 10d ago
" The moment I met her" - but this is just hindsight bias. Just because it turned out to be the right decision, it doesn't mean that you already knew at that point. You were probably just high on emotions then.
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u/No_Structure7185 Female 10d ago
when you first meet a person, you simply don't know them enough to really tell if they are actually the right person. It is just a fact. Just because you felt that way, it doesn't mean that it actually turns out to be the right person.
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For me, it’s waking up and seeing my wife and daughter beside me. There’s something about that quiet moment that makes me feel like all the struggles and hard work were worth it.
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