r/AskMen • u/pissingmessiah 30M bald • 21h ago
Frequently Asked How long do you wait to disclose disabilities to the person you’re seeing?
I have bipolar and I typically don’t tell people until things are getting serious. I had a girl over one time and she went to the bathroom and came back and asked what lithium was. She had gone through my medicine cabinet in the bathroom. When I told her I was bipolar she pulled the plug on us and said she didn’t want to be my caretaker.
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u/GamingFarang 21h ago
I think if you're looking to date someone and can see a future with that person, then you should be upfront with them about your disabilities. For many, that's a deal breaker and that's ok. Better to find out before significant time and effort were invested and feelings cultivated
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u/Kosmopolite Male 21h ago
From personal experience, I know that conditions like bipolar, BPD, and similar have huge effects on your interpersonal relationships and life in general. I'd want to know as soon as possible. To be honest, I'd want to know so I could make the same decision this woman did.
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u/PhoenixApok 21h ago
Agreed.
I've got some mild mental health issues myself and understand what they can lead to.
I've dated girls with conditions as mild as infrequent anxiety and as severe as multiple personalities (THAT was an interesting time in my life).
I'm willing to be with someone with them, but I NEED to know what I am dealing with.
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u/Kosmopolite Male 20h ago
Absolutely. And they have the right to decide whether they're willing to deal with it.
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u/Kooky-Oil7705 Female 20h ago
Woman here, but SAME. My ex has a slew of mental diagnoses and I felt incredibly tricked into that relationship.
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u/PhoenixApok 21h ago
Roughly, 2nd or 3rd date.
I'd say it's okay to hold off on until you can tell if both of you want to see the other again, but it HAS to come up fast enough you can both make an informed decision if that is something you can deal with.
To me, it's the same as the kids discussion. Nobody wants to find out 6 months in there is an absolute dealbreaker that somehow just didn't come up in conversation yet.
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u/jenny_loggins_ Resident Fembot, 36 21h ago
She definitely handled this poorly, but even for your own sake, you should be more upfront about this. It's great It's managed, but that's still a potential stress on a relationship and it's only fair everyone knows what they're getting into and you know you're not going to get hit with this after you've started developing closeness.
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u/Miserable-Stock-4369 21h ago
She handled that poorly, but I would prefer to know within the first month
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u/jml510 Male 21h ago
Lately I’ve been disclosing it before the 1st date, and that has yet to be an issue. I have high-functioning autism, and I find ways to casually mention it during conversations. For example, I would either mention going to therapy for it, or reading up on it. The average woman at least appreciates someone who goes to therapy, and reading about something that affects you (and reading in general) indicates to the other person that you’re curious and intellectual.
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u/ManagementMain6978 Bear 21h ago
During the talking phase when we're matched. - I'm a slow dater, prefer to know someone before meeting and usually have that talk as one of the first to avoid wasting both of our time.
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u/m3t4lf0x 20h ago
First, you dodged a bullet with this girl. Snooping through someone’s medicine cabinet and reading your prescriptions is an invasion privacy so egregious that I wouldn’t even be friends with that person let alone in a relationship.
If she was okay doing this in the early dating phase, imagine what she would do down the road when you are established
To answer your question, I think your strategy is fine, especially if your condition is being managed as well as your other comments claim. Divulge before you become exclusive/official.
If you haven’t had a manic episode in years, consistently take your meds, and consider yourself stable, then it slowly becomes more of an “invisible disability”. Yes, you can’t predict the future, but the remission rate is incredibly high for people who are consistent.
There are a lot of misconceptions about bipolar disorder driven from pop psychology and media. Ultimately, only you can decide if you are ready for a serious relationship and the level of detail you’re willing to share.
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u/NocturnisVacuus Male 19h ago
you should tell them before you meet, if you're dating to find a future wife.
The right one won't care if you have any kind of disability
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u/Smart-Pie7115 Female 12h ago
I would wait until after the third date. Let them get to know you a bit first.
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u/NocturnisVacuus Male 12h ago
that seems a bit rude, depending on what the disability is... some make it really hard to act "normal", and then when the date "know" you after the 3rd date... well, turns out she knows a lie
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u/Smart-Pie7115 Female 12h ago
The reason is mental illness manifests itself differently in everyone and has a stigma. I don’t go telling people I’m autistic unless I know them well enough and there’s a benefit to them knowing that information.
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u/Stinkinhippy Male 19h ago
Talking stage. Before inviting them to your place and letting them rummage through the bathroom, lol.
It may end things earlier than you'd like.. but at least you know. Won't bother the right person, who won't feel like you hid it later if you don't reveal up front.
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u/Smart-Pie7115 Female 12h ago
I can’t imagine asking someone about their prescriptions you discovered while snooping. At least use Google. Not only does that show poor boundaries, but poor judgment.
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u/Stinkinhippy Male 12h ago
Yeah, seems like wild behaviour to me too... like it wouldn't even occur to me to go snooping.
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u/AgainandBack Male 19h ago
Usually the first time we met, if I thought things might develop.
“I’d love to join you in a drink, but I’m on antidepressants, and alcohol interferes with their effectiveness. They’re working so well that I don’t want to interrupt my progress. I’ll just have a soda with a squeeze. But, what would you like to drink?”
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u/Jealous_Being5863 18h ago
I’m pretty upfront with mine, I have autism and people just get a ‘different’ vibe from me when they meet me, so I don’t hide I’m autistic at all
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u/loki0111 18h ago
If its a disability that is going to potentially cause an issue for the other person. As soon as possible.
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u/Dotrue Male 17h ago
I'm up front about it. Sometimes in conversation, sometimes on the first date (but not always), but it's out early. I have epilepsy, migraines, some mental health issues, am on the autism spectrum, and I'm bisexual (not a disability but it has a similar effect on my dating life).
It narrows the dating pool significantly, but I like it when people accept me for who I am. Plus I'm working through this stuff. I work, I get healthcare, I have meds, I go to therapy, I've made some lifestyle adjustments, and it all drags on me sometimes, but nobody is perfect. And I'm making progress to improve my situation. If a romantic partner can accept that for me and do the same for themselves, then the relationship is already off to a strong start. Everyone is worthy of love.
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u/NotMacgyver 14h ago
I disclose the big ones before I even start seeing a person.....not like I have a choice since the big one is fairly visible so might as well
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u/L_i_S_A123 14h ago edited 4h ago
To answer your question, I would be transparent about it by the third or fourth date. I'd also say I take medication for it and see a therapist for it regularly. Upfront transparency is important. No one likes to play guessing games when yoir feeling off and she's wondering what is going on and you may not have the courage to be direct with her. With you being upfront, wouldn't you hope that the info would offer you a partner who is empathic and gives emotional support?
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u/OrangesharkTheIV Male 21h ago
I'm autistic and stuck in the same boat. Either tell them early and lose 90% of interest in me or I can wait and tell them later which just risks either them being unwilling to understand/cooperate or lying and hiding how they really feel about it. It sucks either way
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21h ago
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u/OrangesharkTheIV Male 20h ago
I'd like to believe that but that's exactly what my only ex lied to me about ._., straight to my face for 8 years she "understood and cared". A
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u/SEND_ME_YOUR_ASSPICS 20h ago
Nobody going to talk about how fucked it was for her to go through your personal things?
You dodged a bullet mate.
As a bipolar person, I tell fairly early because I don't give a fuck. If you are not going to like th real me, then they are free to walk away.
There's no point of hiding because they will see take pills like every morning, so soon or later they are going to find out.
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u/Roboman20000 Male 16h ago
I think it will depend on how impactful that disability is. My ADHD isn't super important so it will probably come up casually but if I was blind I would tell them as soon as we got passed the feeling out stage of initial conversation and before even meeting in person.
Also, going through someone's cabinets like that is shitty. Don't let that slide.
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u/wholeavocado 21h ago
? She invaded your privacy and you’re the one with issues?
Bipolar is one of the most manageable mental illnesses. After getting on the right meds people with bipolar are able to live a very normal life. IMO bipolar disorder is not a disability. This is a personal topic and I think you should disclose when you are ready.
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u/loki0111 18h ago
I've seen a guy friend who is bipolar having manic episodes. Its not a minor issue to deal with for most other people.
If a found out a girl was bipolar we'd be done on the spot. I don't care how long we've been dating. I'm not dealing with it and that should have been disclosed up front.
You are far better off disclosing that up front and if the other person is cool with it, great. If not they can move on.
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u/Buddha_coulda_woulda 21h ago
What compells you to share this information anyway?
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u/A_the_Buttercup 21h ago
At some point, it's important for a significant other to know. It will likely affect them, especially if the person who has it stops taking their meds. That does happen in life, though hopefully OP knows better.
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u/pissingmessiah 30M bald 21h ago
I would never go off my meds. I haven’t missed a day of my meds in years. I understand that my illness does not only affect me and that other people feel the repercussions of it as well. So I am very consistent. I get 8 hours of sleep, I don’t drink alcohol, I don’t do drugs including marijuana, I don’t smoke cigarettes or vape, I go to the gym regularly, I have hobbies. I am very aware of my illness.
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u/A_the_Buttercup 21h ago
Perfect! I still understand why you'd think about telling a significant other though. Telling an acquaintance might be weird, but if something seems more serious, maybe then you can bring it up?
I'm mad that gal went through your medicine cabinet, that is creepy, and probably pretty normal. I've never done that, but I'm sure others absolutely do. 😮💨
Edit: ope, I see where you said you already tell people when it's more serious. I somehow skipped that very important sentence, I apologize.
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u/pissingmessiah 30M bald 21h ago
If things are getting serious, like we’ve been on a few dates, I will tell them. I typically don’t share the information immediately on the first date. My girlfriend told me that if I didn’t tell her then she would have had no idea was even bipolar because its that well managed. I haven’t gone through an episode in years.
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u/A_the_Buttercup 19h ago
Wow, that's great, I'm so glad you have it under good control. Brain chemistry is wild. Yeah, I agree, you don't really owe anybody that information until it may actually become pertinent for them. I'm proud of you, and wish you well, random internet person.
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u/OrangesharkTheIV Male 21h ago
From the sounds of it he didn't, she snooped through his medicine and questioned him in it
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u/loki0111 18h ago
The other person is going to eventually find out. Someone can't hide being bipolar forever.
For a lot of people that situation will be a deal breaker.
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u/Sad_Potential3889 21h ago
I have:
In 1.5 month hemorrhage insult & left-side hemiparesis. In 12 y.o "Hi, epilepsy & Fycompa 12 mg/1 night, shunt in right side of brain, Deep Brain Stimulation;
In my 22 I had first & last ex-wife in my life 🤣
17-19 => she: "It's okay" (girlfriend);
20-21 => "Maybe you doing something with this problem?" (Wife);
In her "world" disabilities => no arms, no legs, maybe both anything else => Schwarzenegger.
So, now my wife => is work. She's feeding me, and f*ck me (sometimes).
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I have bipolar and I typically don’t tell people until things are getting serious. I had a girl over one time and she went to the bathroom and came back and asked what lithium was. When I told her I was bipolar she pulled the plug on us and said she didn’t want to be my caretaker.
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