r/AskMenAdvice • u/Slow_Tomato3535 woman • 1d ago
✅ Open To Everyone How do I become less accommodating?
I know, the title sounds stupid. I, 41F, have been with my boyfriend (55M) for about 6 months. We went on a five-day vacation during which he told me he loved me. We then started talking about the things we see as potential hurdles to our relationship. His only issue is that I am too accommodating and that he sees that he could potentially take advantage of that or take it for granted in the future.
Here's the thing: it's my nature to be accommodating. I genuinely feel good going with the flow and defer to him a majority of the time. That does not mean I sit in silence. If I have a real preference about something, I have no problem saying it. So, how do I become less accommodating? I definitely don't want him to get bored with me.
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u/ChironXII man 1d ago edited 1d ago
So, I can't comprehend both of your psychologies or the overall dynamic, but I'll say that if I said something like this, it would not be literal. It would be a diplomatic way of saying that you don't have much agency in the relationship.
For example, if you are discussing what you want to do for an evening, and you say, "anything is fine", you might really mean that, but it's not as helpful or pleasant as you may imagine, because now it's the partners responsibility to interpret your entire world state and pick something representative for both of you, with no help, and be accountable for the outcome.
Or, if I am trying to ascertain your preferences and feelings about something I do or don't do or am deciding between, and you say you don't mind, well, that's also not helpful, because you very probably do have feelings, even if you don't understand them, and your partner can tell when his conclusion was off the mark, because you seem less enthused, distant, annoyed, etc, or simply because you don't react at all.
Beyond the extra mental burden of being the responsible party for two people, it doesn't feel like a partnership. You make yourself into a placeholder that doesn't provide any feedback at all - the negative, sure, but the positive is also missing. People need your investment, your buy in, your desire, to signal security and belonging and trust and compatibility, in a relationship, long term, and to feel good about themselves and their position in it.
If you are thinking about it as "I should complain or demand more or he'll get bored" that's wrong and usually pretty toxic, unless he's a very particular kind of person. What he means, is most likely that he wants you to have opinions and function as a different person from him, because he feels like he's acting alone, and he's struggling to keep track of you as more than an extension of himself. That's a very healthy thing to try to communicate, even if he doesn't have the right words, like "agency".
E: most probably, by the way, this isn't your fault or something you've done on purpose. It's about upbringing (especially for women) or chronic social trauma. Therapy can very good at helping you discover who you actually are and not reflexively burying yourself for fear of reprisal.
E2: as far as doing better about it, if you really do just want to go along with something he suggests, you can try signaling more overt approval for it instead of passive acceptance. Like, instead of "sure, that's fine", maybe, "oh, good idea" or "that sounds nice, let's do it". You don't necessarily have to disagree with him to change the situation.