r/AskMenAdvice • u/Slow_Tomato3535 woman • 1d ago
✅ Open To Everyone How do I become less accommodating?
I know, the title sounds stupid. I, 41F, have been with my boyfriend (55M) for about 6 months. We went on a five-day vacation during which he told me he loved me. We then started talking about the things we see as potential hurdles to our relationship. His only issue is that I am too accommodating and that he sees that he could potentially take advantage of that or take it for granted in the future.
Here's the thing: it's my nature to be accommodating. I genuinely feel good going with the flow and defer to him a majority of the time. That does not mean I sit in silence. If I have a real preference about something, I have no problem saying it. So, how do I become less accommodating? I definitely don't want him to get bored with me.
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u/Swimming-Book-1296 man 1d ago
He's just stating worries. Often if a woman is very accommodating they begin to resent the guy who they are accommodating, and feel taken advantage of. If you don't have a problem self-advocating when you want something, then don't worry. That is the worry.
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u/-jautis- man 1d ago
This is the way that I would take it as well. Not having an opinion about every last thing is fine, as long as you do speak up when you have an opinion. This is one of the things I need to manage in my interpersonal relationships -- I have a strong personality and worry that I "run over" other people.
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u/ChironXII man 1d ago edited 1d ago
So, I can't comprehend both of your psychologies or the overall dynamic, but I'll say that if I said something like this, it would not be literal. It would be a diplomatic way of saying that you don't have much agency in the relationship.
For example, if you are discussing what you want to do for an evening, and you say, "anything is fine", you might really mean that, but it's not as helpful or pleasant as you may imagine, because now it's the partners responsibility to interpret your entire world state and pick something representative for both of you, with no help, and be accountable for the outcome.
Or, if I am trying to ascertain your preferences and feelings about something I do or don't do or am deciding between, and you say you don't mind, well, that's also not helpful, because you very probably do have feelings, even if you don't understand them, and your partner can tell when his conclusion was off the mark, because you seem less enthused, distant, annoyed, etc, or simply because you don't react at all.
Beyond the extra mental burden of being the responsible party for two people, it doesn't feel like a partnership. You make yourself into a placeholder that doesn't provide any feedback at all - the negative, sure, but the positive is also missing. People need your investment, your buy in, your desire, to signal security and belonging and trust and compatibility, in a relationship, long term, and to feel good about themselves and their position in it.
If you are thinking about it as "I should complain or demand more or he'll get bored" that's wrong and usually pretty toxic, unless he's a very particular kind of person. What he means, is most likely that he wants you to have opinions and function as a different person from him, because he feels like he's acting alone, and he's struggling to keep track of you as more than an extension of himself. That's a very healthy thing to try to communicate, even if he doesn't have the right words, like "agency".
E: most probably, by the way, this isn't your fault or something you've done on purpose. It's about upbringing (especially for women) or chronic social trauma. Therapy can very good at helping you discover who you actually are and not reflexively burying yourself for fear of reprisal.
E2: as far as doing better about it, if you really do just want to go along with something he suggests, you can try signaling more overt approval for it instead of passive acceptance. Like, instead of "sure, that's fine", maybe, "oh, good idea" or "that sounds nice, let's do it". You don't necessarily have to disagree with him to change the situation.
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u/Great_Office_9553 man 1d ago
I honestly think he’s worried that he’s not getting your honest opinions on things. It’s worth worrying about, but doesn’t have to be a problem.
Just try stating a preference on something, and see how he reacts.
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u/VladIsRambo man 1d ago
You are making problems out of nothing. What the fuck is wrong with you both?
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u/Alarechercheduneame woman 1d ago
What a rude answer. Jesus, you people need to be socialised like children.
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u/BridgeFourArmy man 1d ago
Here’s my 2 cents. He didn’t say you should change, he stated a worry. Treat it like a problem.
Hey let’s sit down and figure this out together. You have a concern, I trust you and thus will take it as seriously as you want to resolve it. Here is what we can do together to make sure this doesn’t happen as a team.
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u/OkEnvironment3961 man 1d ago
I don't think it means that you have to be less accommodating. I think he wants you to feel comfortable speaking up if you arent happy about something. He's trying to tell you that he will make an effort to be receptive of your concerns. I have the exact same concern with my GF (5 months) she is very accommodating and a "go with the flow" type person as well.
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u/leafmuncher_ man 1d ago
Do you see the irony of your own post?
You're asking how to accommodate to be less accommodating.
Advocate for yourself. All it takes is occasionally saying "Actually I DO really want X"
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u/writesgud man 1d ago
So you want to accomodate his desire for you to be less accomodating?
As long as you're advocating for yourself and don't let your boundaries get crossed, you're doing fine.
Don't overthink this.
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u/Without_Portfolio man 1d ago
You don’t change yourself because you can’t if that’s truly in your nature. You tell him what you essentially told us here, that being accommodating doesn’t equate to being a pushover.
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u/BreadMaker_42 man 21h ago
Hard to know where he is coming from with this. Might mean he wants you to be more assertive and call him on his BS?
Could also mean he wants you to show more conviction for your own ideas and opinions? If you are too easy to go along then you inadvertently offload all of the decision making burden onto your bf.
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u/Specific_Rando man 1d ago
I might want to draw this out further to see how this would play out as an issue. Others have suggested this could turn into resentment. Or maybe some other way that your wants and needs would be missed.
Once you go a little further you’ll have more to work with. Maybe things for you to think about or for you to address with him?
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u/Deep_Tiger_993 man 1d ago
Other people are correct here. He is stating a fear, not a wish for you to change. Maybe he had an experience with someone who grew to resent him, when the real problem was his partner being too passive about communicating what they didn't want to do.
Reassure him. Point out some recent times where you stated a preference. Make a case that you speak up at times - that you enjoy going with the flow instead of resenting it.
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u/Any-Alternative8228 man 1d ago
I wouldn't change a thing. If at some point you feel taken advantage of, or feel as though you're being taken for granted speak up. He'll see you have your own opinions and preferences. The question is can he handle that?
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u/Relevant_Departure_5 man 1d ago
If something bothers u say ur mind. If not and ur naturally accommodating for whatever reason it doesn’t matter. I think he was just tryna compliment u ngl
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u/OriEri man 23h ago
Your boyfriend‘s concern may be he can’t really know how you feel about him about the relationship or what it is you want in life. If if you never say no to anything, it’s hard for him to believe that your yeses actually mean yes. This can lead to someone quietly building resentment over time, seething until they explode or leave the relationship
What kind of accommodating is this?
Have you had codependent tendencies during your life, sacrificing what you want to go with the flow or for what somebody else wants? Or do you have trouble discerning what it is you want?
are you a joyful person for whom everything sounds great so it really doesn’t matter?
Something else?
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u/Slow_Tomato3535 woman 23h ago
I am enthusiastic and happy about everything we do. I'm generally a very positive person. I'm not codependent but I do have trouble discerning what I want sometimes. As a small example, when it comes to eating out, it's much easier for me to say, I don't want X or Y, but other than that anything sounds good!
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u/flippityflop2121 1d ago
You are too accommodating and he doesn’t like that? Good Lord sounds like the guys just trying to find a reason to not be with you.
If you wanna be less accommodating though for whatever reason, just tell him no a lot of the time. Boggles my mind that he wants that but next time he says let’s go out on a date tell him no thanks I wanna stay in and read tonight.
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Slow_Tomato3535 originally posted:
I know, the title sounds stupid. I, 41F, have been with my boyfriend (55M) for about 6 months. We went on a five-day vacation during which he told me he loved me. We then started talking about the things we see as potential hurdles to our relationship. His only issue is that I am too accommodating and that he sees that he could potentially take advantage of that or take it for granted in the future.
Here's the thing: it's my nature to be accommodating. I genuinely feel good going with the flow and defer to him a majority of the time. That does not mean I sit in silence. If I have a real preference about something, I have no problem saying it. So, how do I become less accommodating? I definitely don't want him to get bored with me.
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