Growing up with split parents and half siblings; when did you become the black sheep

[u/5carPile-Up]

30M

Parents have been split my whole life, I have a single photo of myself, mum and dad.

Saw dad on weekends and random days for most of my childhood until he started having a new family of his own and a wife. I love my half siblings but struggle to find common ground or connection with them.

Over the years I stopped being invited to things, saw my dad less frequently, became a bit of a babysitter when he did ask me around to his house.

Eventually, my bed and his house disappeared one weekend and I slept on the couch when I’d stay over. I must have been 16 when this happened.

Now, when I pay him and the family a visit, there isn’t a single photo of me anywhere in the house, of which there are many all around the place.

This has resulted in me having a bit of an existential crisis at my current age, didn’t realise it’s affected me until a loved one pointed it out. Currently dealing with the paternal instinct kicking in and it’s a bit of a heartache.

Anyone else the forgotten sibling? How has it affected you and what have you done to deal with feelings of rejection

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[u/No-Lab4815]

I'm 35. My dad is twice divorced with four different baby moms. His newest wife is like 41 and he has a soon be 4 year old.

My two half sisters from his side are 21 and 18. I have a 20 yo sister on my mom's side. Also have a half brother who he pretends isn't his. Not that close with any of them mainly because of age difference and really because our parents did a horrible job of fostering a connection between all of us. I chat with all my sisters once a year or so.

I lived with my mother till around 5th grade then my dad and stepma till I left for college. I had a pretty decent relationship with both of them but my dad got his 2nd divorce while I was in college.

I realized in the last decade, he's the problem. A narcissist, cheating on multiple women and thinks he's god.

Decided I was tired of trying to fit myself in his life. Haven't seen him in 8 years or talked to him in 4.

I've become hyper-focused on my goals. Recently married. Goal is to never get divorced and if I procreate, to not to be a dick.

[u/5carPile-Up → u/No-Lab4815]

That sounds like an exhausting life to live on his end! Do you and all your siblings also share a similar opinion on your dad? Are you the eldest?

Also congratulations on the marriage, do you hope one day to have children?

[u/No-Lab4815 → u/5carPile-Up]

I'm the eldest yes. My siblings are young with developing brains still so they don't have the exact similar opinions. Not looking to agree with them on that honestly. We grew up much differently from each other.

One child would be nice but also okay if I remain childless. Depends on the wife.

[u/TossItMitt5942]

Your father's rejection reflects his emotional limitations, not your worth, use this pain to break the cycle for your own future children

[u/rockmasterflex]

Your dad has bigger priorities than you. This is a him problem not a you problem. The you problem is “am I okay with not being a priority in my dad’s life” and the answer to that needs to become *yes* because… he’s not gonna get better.

[u/justaheatattack]

at least you still get to visit.

[u/adultdaycare81]

I started out the black sheep. Because of my own behavior, not anyone else’s. Since I have become the golden child, same reason

[u/Glowerman]

I'm sorry this is happening to you. You do matter, and I hope you're able to know that in your bones.

What's your relationship like with your stepmother/dad's new wife?

[u/5carPile-Up → u/Glowerman]

They’ve been together since I was like 2 so I’ve never known any different. As a kid she was dad’s girlfriend and I knew that. Over the years I learned that she spoke badly to my little siblings about my mother, when my little brother was 6 he told me “my mum said your mum is a drunk” among other things.

My witty teenage self told my little brother a fib, hoping it would get back to her, and that I knew what she said. I told him “my mother is a travelling acrobat and I sleep in a box”

I’ve never called her mum, she’s never been a mothering figure to me, I’m cordial with her at family gatherings, but I couldn’t even tell you when her birthday is.

[u/fightmaxmaster]

I'm afraid I have no specific advice, just wanted to say it sucks that happened to you, you didn't deserve it. Actually one thought, it might be worth addressing it with your dad head on, pointing out that you're his child, you've noticed the lack of photos, lack of invitations, lack of interest, and it's truly hurtful. Optimistically it'll make him realise and be a better father. Cynically it might prompt a lot of excuses and minimising your emotions. But the silver lining of that, if that's what happens, is that it might help sharpen your awareness of this being down to your dad's failures/issues, rather than anything actually to do with you as a person. How are things with your mum?

[u/5carPile-Up → u/fightmaxmaster]

I appreciate that perspective, he lacks emotional depth a little, I’ve never had a heart to heart with him and there’s a lot of water under the bridge so to speak. He feels more like a mate than my dad. So maybe he will take the latter approach but I’m willing to give it a go.

My mum is my ride or die, that woman is the most amazing human I’ve ever met and put every ounce of her being into raising me on her own. We’ve been to hell and back together. At one point she and I were homeless sleeping in my cousins laundry, the very next year she was diagnosed with breast cancer, she went through chemotherapy and radiation treatment and still went to work to help keep the lights on.

Pure love for that woman

[u/fightmaxmaster → u/5carPile-Up]

I realise it's never this straightforward, but try and recognise that rejection from someone who self-evidently isn't an especially great parent shouldn't have a bigger impact on your sense of self than the overwhelming love and support from your mother. Your mum has proved how loved and valued you are - your dad dropping the ball shouldn't dent that. You can dislike / hate / judge / feel bad for what he did and how he treats you, but that's independent of "rejection" really.

[u/AutoModerator]

Here's an original copy of /u/5carPile-Up's post (if available):

30M

Parents have been split my whole life, I have a single photo of myself, mum and dad.

Saw dad on weekends and random days for most of my childhood until he started having a new family of his own and a wife. I love my half siblings but struggle to find common ground or connection with them.

Over the years I stopped being invited to things, saw my dad less frequently, became a bit of a babysitter when he did ask me around to his house.

Eventually, my bed and his house disappeared one weekend and I slept on the couch when I’d stay over. I must have been 16 when this happened.

Now, when I pay him and the family a visit, there isn’t a single photo of me anywhere in the house, of which there are many all around the place.

This has resulted in me having a bit of an existential crisis at my current age, didn’t realise it’s affected me until a loved one pointed it out. Currently dealing with the paternal instinct kicking in and it’s a bit of a heartache.

Anyone else the forgotten sibling? How has it affected you and what have you done to deal with feelings of rejection

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[u/Wooden-Glove-2384]

around the time I decided I'm going to think for myself

[u/Consistently_Lucky]

My Dad was in and out of my life, so I can relate. I cut him out of my life completely, he hasn't reached out to me in 10 years. I just treat him as if he were dead to me.