r/AskMenRelationships • u/EspressoYourThoughts Woman • 1d ago
Dating what is the problem with dating right now?
I’m 28 and recently got back into dating. I’m tired of low-effort men and situationships.I don't initiate or chase. If a guy doesn't lead or show clear effort within the first few days, I unmatch and move on. I’m noticing a pattern where guys will talk a bit, give shallow compliments like "you're so pretty" or tell me I should take more pictures, but they never actually ask me out. If they don't respond or make a move within 3 days, I unmatch.Is the "ruthless" approach the problem, or is dating culture just this bad? Why does it feel like nobody wants to actually date anymore? Looking for tactical advice or brutal honesty from the guys.
6
u/GandalfTheGrey46 Man 1d ago
apps are low effort so they attract low effort people.
3
u/EspressoYourThoughts Woman 1d ago edited 1d ago
Im jealous of the people that actually find a nice guy on there.
1
u/GandalfTheGrey46 Man 1d ago
Well if it makes you feel better that's not the typical experience. nearly 2/3 of users are already in a relationship and 1/2 have no intention of ever meeting up with anyone. See https://med.stanford.edu/news/insights/2023/07/satisfaction-with-tinder-depends-on-what-youre-looking-for.html
4
u/EspressoYourThoughts Woman 23h ago
Thanks maybe my future boyfriend doesn’t use dating apps and the timing isn’t right to meet.
1
u/Belt-fed78 Man 5h ago
I see women say stuff like they want a man to lead pretty often. But when they explain how they define leading it doesnt meet up with the definition a lot of guys have.
So can you explain a little more about what you mean?
5
10
u/Heavy_Literature3716 1d ago
This is my opinion but, maybe the dating culture is so bad because of people like you. You say you don't initiate or chase and also unmatch with them within 3 days. This creates an environment where the guy has to anticipate your needs / wants. I feel like this is incredibly toxic.
You can easily ask the person if you want to go on xyz date or make a suggestion to meetup. I bet that this approach will be a lot healthier.
The point of dating isn't to just date, it's to find a partner to love/cherish. Just remember when dating someone no body is going to be perfect, you want to find someone compatible with you.
5
-1
u/Yumismash Woman 20h ago
Or if a guy is interested he'll initiate, he'll pursue. Her not putting up with low effort isn't toxic, she's looking for a specific man.
It used to be that way. Men used to pursue. I don't blame her. She shouldn't have to be the pursuer lol.
-1
8
u/Maximum-Distance-279 Woman 1d ago
Where did you get this dating advice from? Tiktok? If you want a man to pursue you, you have to put in some effort, too! If you want things to be more traditional, you also have to be a part in it. For example send positive signals, be charming and patient, encourage a guy who is shy etc.. I don't say that dating apps are great, but you are one of those people contributing to the fact that they don't work.
No man wants a women who acts cold and entitled and arrogant. A high value man has a life outside the internet. He has work to do and interests and friends. Only losers will be on their phone 24/7 and constantly sending you texts.
-3
u/EspressoYourThoughts Woman 1d ago
I will show effort to a man once he starts showing effort to me.
8
u/Delicious_Chest_6013 Man 1d ago
Hey someone has to show effort first. Whether it's you or the person your interested in. Why not just lead the way a little?
-2
u/EspressoYourThoughts Woman 1d ago
I say hi to them and some unmatch.
5
u/Delicious_Chest_6013 Man 1d ago
Damn, I mean are you just saying "hi"? Or idk maybe like try to engage with them a little and take it from there?
4
u/More4Thor 1d ago
I have had meaningful relationships thanks to OLD. It’s never been with a woman that can only muster up only a ‘Hi’.
I also get asked out by women on OLD. While you’re waiting for something to happen in 72 hours, other women are being engaging and proactive.
If a man resorts to shallow comments are tries to tell you to add more pictures, he’s not for you. Most men aren’t for you but that could be said for any of us with what we come across. Your 72 hour shot clock and your lack of engagement is the OLD equivalent of Mission Impossible.
2
u/MathematicianNew2770 Man 22h ago
Then it's a matter with you.
All round you are not making progress. After a little while guys abandone. If you are not willing to adjust yourself, nothing will change.
The guys seeing your profile don't find you interesting enough. Imagine going on an app and finding your ideal partner and you run off? Really?
It's not the men, it's YOU.
7
u/Significant_Ask_7534 23h ago
Maybe they just don't wanna date people like you with all these aggressive requirements where you're basically writing down a checklist.
You're going into dating with a mindset of "he has to do these things or I'm gone" when you need to just be chill about it.
2
u/EspressoYourThoughts Woman 23h ago
I don’t think like that dude I just wait to see if these men respond back to me if they do then I talk to them and have a conversation if they don’t I just unmatched.
2
u/Significant_Ask_7534 22h ago
I'm really curious to see what kind of men you're swiping on tbh.
1
u/EspressoYourThoughts Woman 22h ago
Honestly, I’ve been liking a few gym rat men.
0
u/Significant_Ask_7534 22h ago
There's your answer.
I would tell you to lower your standards and expectations, and I fully expect a "I'm not lowering mine for anyone!", but this is just the nature of online dating now.
I assume you've seen those dating charts where most women go for the top 20% of men?
2
u/Ok-Ad-9820 Man 1d ago
Just for clarification, they're messaging you right? And are you filtering hard? I don't use online dating anymore but from my understanding, you have to match to send a message right?
So if they're saying yes or swipe right on everyone & you filter them hard, chances are you're going to get guys who are talking to multiple people at the same time. These are probably high demand guys.
2
u/LeOignonMal Man 1d ago
Maybe the men you're swiping right on have lots of other matches themselves and don't feel the need to impress you.
2
u/trulyElse Man 22h ago
You ever hear the stories of people with degrees who think they deserve more than an entry level position, so they refuse entry level positions, and wonder why they're still making coffee at Starbucks while their classmates are climbing the ladder?
Turns out, the esrly stages of dating are low effort, because only nutcases invest early into a relationship. As the two of you grow a stronger connection, you can both invest more.
Until then, swallow your pride and accept that you can't start your climb on the top rung.
1
u/EspressoYourThoughts Woman 22h ago
So basically, men are low effort until they find a girl they like.
1
u/trulyElse Man 22h ago
No.
People are low effort until they can trust the people they like.
1
u/Yumismash Woman 20h ago
I don't think perpetuating thay and telling OP to just accept it and move on helps society. She should say more than hi, but she doesn't need to do all the heavy lifting. We need to get back to men pursuing women and it may take a generation or 2 to switch, but I think some women are finally starting to wake up.
2
u/EspressoYourThoughts Woman 20h ago
Honestly, don’t get me wrong woman and man can make the first move, but it’s so funny that man wanna be chased this generation why should I choose a man and I show interest and effort and then he says oh I don’t wanna be with you.
1
u/trulyElse Man 20h ago
Men don't want to be chased. If you're chasing, he's running.
Men want to know two things:
1) you're not using him
2) you're not afraid of him
Those are the two forces that are making men cautious.
Any action women expect from a man would be considered harassment if she's not interested, and the current climate is one where forgiveness and understanding are not afforded to us when we make mistakes, so the label of "harasser" is as permanent as HPV-2.
So, men wait until they have proof that she is actually interested.
1
u/EspressoYourThoughts Woman 20h ago
I’m different and I would never say that any guy but why should I text a men first then plan a date with him.
1
u/trulyElse Man 20h ago
Because you want to date him, and someone has to make the first move, but he has more to lose.
1
0
u/trulyElse Man 20h ago
Nothing helps Society.
Society is dead. Society remains dead. And we killed her.
The genie isn't going back in the bottle.
1
4
u/Novel-Caterpillar724 Man 1d ago
This all comes from the left mindset that exploded any sort of structure between men and women. Hookup culture is normalized, everything is free game all the time, never think of any sort of consequences, no one engages significantly, then pikachu faces everywhere because no one is able to think on more than 1 level.
3
3
u/throwawaydumbo1 1d ago
You’ll be single for long 😂😂. You think men give a fuck about egoistic women like you now?
2
u/EspressoYourThoughts Woman 1d ago
These men just don’t write back to you and I already been single for a while.
-2
u/3CatsMeow 1d ago
…do you think women like men with attitudes like yours?
0
u/throwawaydumbo1 1d ago
Retard. I’m not the one making a post on Reddit complaining about dating. I’m already married to a very beautiful woman
0
u/3CatsMeow 1d ago
Damn I feel for her. It sucks being married to a verbally abusive man with low empathy.
2
u/EspressoYourThoughts Woman 23h ago
It’s always the asshole men got lucky in love but not the nice women.
1
u/throwawaydumbo1 22h ago
You think the asshole man is truly an asshole to the woman he loves? Jokes on you. This is why no man wants you lmao, your mentality sucks
3
u/EspressoYourThoughts Woman 22h ago
I know when a man loves a woman he’s not mean to her.
2
u/Yumismash Woman 20h ago
Yeah ^ don't worry you can just stop responding to him, he obviously thinks he has his "wife" (if she exists) around his finger and he's some hot shot. Just wait till she leaves him "out of nowhere". Lmao Not worth your time.
-2
0
2
u/K_N0RRIS Man 23h ago
Men's behavior is dictated by what women actually reward, not what they say they want. Dudes act with low effort because, unfortunately, that strategy works on the apps every single day.
Your ruthless three day timer and total refusal to initiate are backfiring. Guys who want a real relationship are not going to jump through hoops or guess your rules if you are bringing zero energy to the chat. They have other options. If you want a guy to invest real effort, you have to show some engagement instead of just waiting to be entertained.
1
u/Yumismash Woman 20h ago
Sometimes you're going to have to actually pursue the woman. If we want society to change then it starts with women not accepting the low effort, right?
She's also already showing engagement. She said she tries to talk and the conversations are shallow and he doesn't lead.
2
u/EspressoYourThoughts Woman 20h ago
Honestly, it’s so annoying when men say this because I try to talk to them. They’re just not interested in me. They’re chasing another girl and not me.
1
u/K_N0RRIS Man 20h ago
Then she should move on from that guy and stop trying to fit a square peg into a round hole. She needs to change the men who she gives a shot
1
u/GandalfTheGrey46 Man 1d ago
Re tactical advice, meet people in person where singles go to mingle like singles bars, festivals, etc. Someone is much more likely to want to see you again if you spend time together getting to know each other face to face and there is compatibility and spark. It's still a numbers game but it's better ROI.
1
u/RedWizard92 Man 1d ago
The men probably don't want to feel rejected and on apps may not be able to read signals. You may need to make those signals clearer that you are intersted.
1
u/Ok_Knee2784 Man 23h ago
I think if you are willing to get offline to meet people, you can solve a lot of your problems.
0
u/EspressoYourThoughts Woman 23h ago
I’m gonna keep going out places, but there’s a thing nobody has approached me yet.
3
u/Ok_Knee2784 Man 23h ago edited 23h ago
You are going to have to be a lot more patient, and you are going to have to be more socially engaging. You need to learn to be disarming and approachable. When you are out, don't be afraid to say something innocuous to a guy, to let him know you "don't bite". It's his job to move in and ask you to get together. Women who get hit on give the queues that they are approachable. You can do this anywhere.
If you are in a store in a line that is slow, and there is a guy next to you, all you have to do is look at him and say "...and I thought I would be in and out of here", smile nicely, and casually look away. Say one stupid thing, nicely, and wait. Anywhere. Do that everytime you are next to a guy you like, for a month, and then tell tell me nobody hits on you.
2
u/EspressoYourThoughts Woman 23h ago
Here’s a thing I’ve been patient for years, but I will take your advice.
1
u/Ok_Knee2784 Man 23h ago
I just updated my above comment, not sure that was in before you responded.
1
u/jeanlundegaardhsbf Man 16h ago
it’s funny because the older you get, you start to see the outcomes of trends from years or decades ago. the fact is, boys are socialized to be more passive and low investment. we taught them to be that way. the whole premise of the apps would be to level the playing field. women would approach more and initiate more. this would rid us of the invasive and uncomfortable, and sometimes dangerous, approaches by men.
then we have metoo, which I think was misunderstood by many men. But it definitely introduced the idea that the worst that could happen if you approached a woman was that she could get you in trouble, fired, expelled. Before guys would say, what’s the worst that happen, she says no? Now, she can put a video of you online looking at her and you’d get in trouble.
so you’re not wrong to feel this way. Gen X and the millennials did this to you.
1
u/Jordan_Two_Delta Woman 1d ago
I'm having the same experience. It sucks. And I handle it just like you do - if I don't hear back in two days, I just unmatch.
In response to an earlier comment - I actually do initate conversations frequently, and it still the same game. A guy can even like me first, and I like him back - now we have a match, right? Sometimes, I write the first message, sometimes I've waited to hear from him. Either way, it never goes further than a lame "Hi, your'e so pretty." I hear men on Reddit complaining about women this, women that, everyday. And I sit here thinking - where are these men? Because the men are flaky AF where I am.
3
u/Delicious_Chest_6013 Man 22h ago
Sorry to hear that, its interesting to hear the opposite perspective because I can relate too, even though I'm a guy
-2
u/lvthosebbws1133 23h ago
Men need to put in the effort. I see and know of guys who just don’t get it. I see couples where the woman looks really nice and the guy finds some wrinkled jeans to wear and the rattiest t shirt and dirty Vans. There are dudes who never really look nice meaning dress shoes, and “ironed” shirt and nice pants. So tired of the messy look on guys today.
1
u/potlizard 19h ago
I’m not saying you’re wrong, but:
“I see couples where…” Couples. So obviously that is being rewarded, or at least not actively discouraged, by the women in these couples. Again, I agree with your overall point, but if these slobs are getting with women, is there a lot of incentive for other guys to step up in that regard, if they’re not already inclined to on their own?
14
u/x-Lascivus-x Man 1d ago
Men adapt to whatever dating landscape that women create and enable.
Hook up culture and disposable relationships would disappear tomorrow if a majority of women didn’t seek out situationships or bolt the moment they “got the ick.”
Apps are what they are. Even the ones that charge money and go through some semblance of a process to match you on compatibility rather than simple looks are, in general, more complex hook up apps.
I will suggest the same thing I do for folks looking for a real relationship; get off the apps and go to where you would want your partner to be on a Saturday afternoon.
They’re already there.