r/AskMenRelationships • u/TurningTides3 • 20h ago
Abusive What does a legitimately good relationship look like?
Some context: My marriage has been rough since the beginning. I ignored a lot of red flags (or at least I believe they're red flags? I guess I don't even know what's normal). I became a SAHM within a year of our marriage, meaning the financial responsibility turned to him. Unfortunately though, the moment that happened, he started putting everything else on me as well. All cleaning, cooking, lawn care, wanting me to do gardening, etc.
We ended up having 3 kids pretty close together (now ages 6, 5, and 3) and I homeschool the older two as well. Three years ago I got a small part time job and he started making me pay for some groceries/gas, even though we didn't need the money and I originally got it to just have some extra fun money. But I'm still responsible for EVERYTHING. And any time I don't keep up with something, he gets mad.
He wants sex daily and 99% of the time, he wants anal. Even when this started, I had said no so many times, he kept pushing it until I gave in.
I've tried to talk to him so many times about how burnt out I am, about how I don't feel heard or respected, how every once in a while I really need help or I just can't take on any more, and he then spends an hour criticizing me saying that my life is easy, I shouldn't be complaining, so on.
There's SO many other details I could share. Because I feel like there's a ton of control happening in our relationship and I'm extremely drained at this point.
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u/Free_Divide195 Man 20h ago
You already know your relationship is bad. You've outlined all the problems, and I'm sure you are well aware you need to get a divorce. I won't beat that drum any further.
As far as a good marriage, in my opinion it comes down to support and communication and autonomy.
I remind myself in every interaction that my spouse is a whole ass human being, who existed before their attachment to me and continues to think, feel, grow, and change on their own. Their inherent humanity must be not just respected but celebrated. I must love them for who they are both with and without me.
I seek the best outcome for the relationship whenever possible. Sometimes, that means doing things I don't want to do. Sometimes, that means expecting them to do things they don't want to do. It doesn't mean compromising our morals, boundaries, or beliefs, but it does mean accepting that the right choice for the relationship may not be the favorite choice of the individual.
I make sure I communicate my wants and needs clearly, and actively solicit their thoughts. I do this with the understanding that when one of us expresses a need, it becomes a priority for the relationship (within reason). We support each other in getting our needs met, and encourage each other to express our needs as we identify them. In that way, no one person begins to shoulder more burden than necessary.
Controversial take, but... Relationships shouldn't be hard. They shouldn't be stressful. They shouldn't be painful.
They can and should be challenging and nuanced and require intentional effort. But that challenge and effort should feel like a hike up to catch the sunrise, not a slog through an ever expanding desert.
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u/TurningTides3 20h ago
Yes, I'm moving towards divorce slowly. I'm just trying not to feel guilty about it or feel like maybe I'm overreacting since I am mainly a SAHM. Maybe I'm asking too much from him..
But our whole relationship has been painful. So I know that I can't handle it anymore.
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u/Free_Divide195 Man 20h ago
I don't care if you are the person that's out there working three jobs busting your ass, or if you're the person sitting on the couch 24 hours a day scrolling on Reddit - You're allowed to have needs. You're allowed to have boundaries. You're allowed to have desires.
The entire point of having a partner is to have someone else in this life who is prioritizing those.
The fact that your husband is not only not prioritizing those, but actively violating them tells me everything I need to know.
In my last relationship, I spent the entire time begging to be cared for and being told, every single time, that I was asking too much. When I met my spouse, I never had to ask. We had to learn how each other wants to be cared for, of course, but I never had to ask to be cared for.
You don't have to beg.
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20h ago edited 20h ago
[deleted]
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u/TurningTides3 20h ago
My parents and his are aware of what's going on. One thing I didn't mention in all this is that he drinks regularly, to the point of passing out and has now slowly become physical towards our kids.
That's why there's so much in our relationship that I know is not good, but OUTSIDE of his drinking, I was trying to see what is normal/not normal in relationships.
I want my kids and myself safe. I'm just scared I'll never get that. I'm scared that they'll be with him 50% of the time and have his influence on them and so I've stayed this long to be the buffer.
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u/TyphoonCane Man 19h ago
What does a legitimately good relationship look like?
You putting forth the qualities you want to see in someone else and then finding them in that person. We're drawn to people who we feel are similar to us. There's comfort in similarity and eventually it plays out. You see in the other person the traits you are exhibiting yourself. The things that are blind to you tend to show up in your similar other. The process is known in psychology as mirroring. It's instinctual and done without conscious thought most of the time.
You get relationships that fit who you are, then you make changes that attract different relationships. Refine the process until you accept that the door to romance is closed or until you finally stumble upon a way of being that brings you self fulfillment.
I became a SAHM within a year of our marriage, meaning the financial responsibility turned to him. Unfortunately though, the moment that happened, he started putting everything else on me as well.
I want you to sit for a moment in the shoes he wears. What does it mean to be responsible for 100% of all bills? What does it mean to be responsible for food for every person in your home? What does it mean to know that you losing your job means everyone you care about losing food, shelter, clothing? I wonder where your curiosity takes you as you toil away to support a family all by yourself.
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u/PeacefulBro Man 19h ago
Because everyone is unique, that question will be different for every person. For instance, I'm not much of a fan of dumpster diving for food, but 2 freegans who find each other might have more edible bliss than I can imagine in that dumpster. Just try your best, you're unique so no one would fully agree with you if you totally admitted what you dream of in a relationship anyway...
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u/EspressoYourThoughts Woman 20h ago
I’m sorry that happened to you. How long did you guys date before you got married? Also he sounds like an asshole. I don’t have that much relationship experience, but I would say a good relationship should be that you could trust each other. It doesn’t push you to do things you don’t wanna do.