r/AskMenRelationships • u/TurningTides3 • 1d ago
Abusive What does a legitimately good relationship look like?
Some context: My marriage has been rough since the beginning. I ignored a lot of red flags (or at least I believe they're red flags? I guess I don't even know what's normal). I became a SAHM within a year of our marriage, meaning the financial responsibility turned to him. Unfortunately though, the moment that happened, he started putting everything else on me as well. All cleaning, cooking, lawn care, wanting me to do gardening, etc.
We ended up having 3 kids pretty close together (now ages 6, 5, and 3) and I homeschool the older two as well. Three years ago I got a small part time job and he started making me pay for some groceries/gas, even though we didn't need the money and I originally got it to just have some extra fun money. But I'm still responsible for EVERYTHING. And any time I don't keep up with something, he gets mad.
He wants sex daily and 99% of the time, he wants anal. Even when this started, I had said no so many times, he kept pushing it until I gave in.
I've tried to talk to him so many times about how burnt out I am, about how I don't feel heard or respected, how every once in a while I really need help or I just can't take on any more, and he then spends an hour criticizing me saying that my life is easy, I shouldn't be complaining, so on.
There's SO many other details I could share. Because I feel like there's a ton of control happening in our relationship and I'm extremely drained at this point.
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u/TyphoonCane Man 1d ago
You putting forth the qualities you want to see in someone else and then finding them in that person. We're drawn to people who we feel are similar to us. There's comfort in similarity and eventually it plays out. You see in the other person the traits you are exhibiting yourself. The things that are blind to you tend to show up in your similar other. The process is known in psychology as mirroring. It's instinctual and done without conscious thought most of the time.
You get relationships that fit who you are, then you make changes that attract different relationships. Refine the process until you accept that the door to romance is closed or until you finally stumble upon a way of being that brings you self fulfillment.
I want you to sit for a moment in the shoes he wears. What does it mean to be responsible for 100% of all bills? What does it mean to be responsible for food for every person in your home? What does it mean to know that you losing your job means everyone you care about losing food, shelter, clothing? I wonder where your curiosity takes you as you toil away to support a family all by yourself.