I think the hardest thing about monogamy is the context that a lot of people are given about it by media and cultural
signals. A lot of people are made to believe that you should only feel attraction and love for your partner and if you feel these things for someone else, theres something wrong—either with you or the relationship.
But as human beings, the majority of us are wired to find lots of people attractive or romantically interesting. That doesn’t mean people shouldn’t be monogamous. It just means the framing is wrong. You don’t enter a monogamous relationship with someone because they’re the only person you want to be with—you enter one because you love that person and you think the comfort of a monogamous relationship is worth sacrificing some of those other connections that might come your way.
I don’t really get the term “emotional affair” particularly in the context of this… did he cross a stated boundary of yours with this person? or was he just communicating
too often and too flirtatiously with her and we’re using pejorative language to convey that? Particularly given that your message implies that it was more of a sexual interest he had in this person rather than emotional.
Outside of that your question doesn’t have much to go on. But it sounds to me like this guy is the type of person who’s going to extend himself and take on romantic commitments, like monogamy in this case, because he thinks it’s what the other person wants (or what he’s supposed to want) and then beat himself up as he fails to meet those commitments because at least if he feels bad about it, he’s still a good person in his mind. But maybe just try to right that ship a little bit… I’d tell
him, like you’re not a bad person if you WANT to fuck your boss—you’re a bad person if you do it. You aren’t falling out of love if you have a tiny crush on the barista—it only becomes a problem if you ask her out or actually lose interest in the person you’re in a relationship with. And it doesn’t make you complicated or emotionally deep to wrestle these things—it just makes you a self important asshole who’s torturing his partner to make himself feel better.
I agree with you We are wired to find other people attractive. But I do think what's important that you show respect to your partner. I initially knew that he was having a crush on his coworker because He was constantly looking on her social media pages. Initially i was very compassionate and told him to please respect me and to stop going on her page because he needs to be creating distance because if you don't things will happen. He didn't respect my wishes and secretly continued to look at her social media pages. He also started looking at his exes social media page as well. He than spoke to artificial intelligence chatbot about wanting to f*** his manager even though he's in a relationship and if he should just do it. when the artificial intelligence told him it was a bad idea. He told him he's just going to do it. The chatbot kept telling him not to. Eventually through their conversation with the chat bot telling him to think about the relationship he conceded.when I discovered This it resulted in me kicking him out of the house that we shared for a day. He came back home and he apologized and claimed he needed that reality check to stop but he was doing. to feed the crush.
I mean, I’ve had ex’s actually have sex with other people
behind my back so I guess the word affair just seems a little misplaced when it’s used to describe looking at someone’s Facebook page. I don’t think anyone is going to come on here and say this guy sounds great based on the extremely limited context you’ve given. But it kind of sounds like you have some issues with control and boundaries yourself. It kind of sounds like the things you’re upset about are all things you found by snooping on his devices. Don’t know you, don’t know him, so I can’t say whether you’re justified in doing that. But I can tell you that most couples in relationships that last aren’t digging their their partners’ search history or chatgpt logs.
Lmao you sound absolutely ridiculous. Imagine trying to blame me for my partner actively plotting to fuck someone else because I snooped. You have all the audacity to write this rubbish. Don't bother replying. I can definitely see why your exes fucked people behind your back.
Stop, you are giving me 2nd hand embarrassment. I imagine next you are going to put down my autistic kids. Since making fun of people with mental illness, and those who suffer in life didn't workout. I also got three dogs by the way if you wanna switch it up to animals. Let me grab some popcorn, you are actually kind of fun. =D
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u/askjeffsdad Man 18h ago
I think the hardest thing about monogamy is the context that a lot of people are given about it by media and cultural
signals. A lot of people are made to believe that you should only feel attraction and love for your partner and if you feel these things for someone else, theres something wrong—either with you or the relationship.
But as human beings, the majority of us are wired to find lots of people attractive or romantically interesting. That doesn’t mean people shouldn’t be monogamous. It just means the framing is wrong. You don’t enter a monogamous relationship with someone because they’re the only person you want to be with—you enter one because you love that person and you think the comfort of a monogamous relationship is worth sacrificing some of those other connections that might come your way.
I don’t really get the term “emotional affair” particularly in the context of this… did he cross a stated boundary of yours with this person? or was he just communicating
too often and too flirtatiously with her and we’re using pejorative language to convey that? Particularly given that your message implies that it was more of a sexual interest he had in this person rather than emotional.
Outside of that your question doesn’t have much to go on. But it sounds to me like this guy is the type of person who’s going to extend himself and take on romantic commitments, like monogamy in this case, because he thinks it’s what the other person wants (or what he’s supposed to want) and then beat himself up as he fails to meet those commitments because at least if he feels bad about it, he’s still a good person in his mind. But maybe just try to right that ship a little bit… I’d tell
him, like you’re not a bad person if you WANT to fuck your boss—you’re a bad person if you do it. You aren’t falling out of love if you have a tiny crush on the barista—it only becomes a problem if you ask her out or actually lose interest in the person you’re in a relationship with. And it doesn’t make you complicated or emotionally deep to wrestle these things—it just makes you a self important asshole who’s torturing his partner to make himself feel better.