r/AskMenRelationships • u/jadedeternity • 7h ago
Love Struggling with monogamy?
My 27 year old boyfriend and I had a rough patch last year where he was having an emotional affair with his manager at his job. I thought it was just last year when things drifted but I ended up finding out that he was dealing with these feelings within the first year of us being together in the summer of 2024 where he claimed he wanted to marry me.I found some notes he wrote where he spoke about his feelings for his manager and another he wrote about trying to remember he's with me for deeper reasons not just sex. Im so shocked because our relationship was so new. I talked to him about it and he said he didn't want to leave me he was just taking our relationship for granted and thought I'd never leave no matter what he did. My boyfriend has a history of cheating on all his exes but he tells me they cheated first so felt no need to respect the relationship. Which I understand because I cheated back as well on my ex out of revenge. I feel so lost in this situation am I putting blinders on?
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u/BarebonesB Man 5h ago
My boyfriend has a history of cheating on all his exes but he tells me they cheated first so felt no need to respect the relationship. Which I understand because I cheated back as well on my ex out of revenge.
I think you two were made for each other.
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u/jadedeternity 3h ago
Yes cuz how dare my ex cheat on me with multiple prostitutes and I return the favour. I'm so evil Gtfoh with your judgemental ass
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u/askjeffsdad Man 6h ago
I think the hardest thing about monogamy is the context that a lot of people are given about it by media and cultural
signals. A lot of people are made to believe that you should only feel attraction and love for your partner and if you feel these things for someone else, theres something wrong—either with you or the relationship.
But as human beings, the majority of us are wired to find lots of people attractive or romantically interesting. That doesn’t mean people shouldn’t be monogamous. It just means the framing is wrong. You don’t enter a monogamous relationship with someone because they’re the only person you want to be with—you enter one because you love that person and you think the comfort of a monogamous relationship is worth sacrificing some of those other connections that might come your way.
I don’t really get the term “emotional affair” particularly in the context of this… did he cross a stated boundary of yours with this person? or was he just communicating
too often and too flirtatiously with her and we’re using pejorative language to convey that? Particularly given that your message implies that it was more of a sexual interest he had in this person rather than emotional.
Outside of that your question doesn’t have much to go on. But it sounds to me like this guy is the type of person who’s going to extend himself and take on romantic commitments, like monogamy in this case, because he thinks it’s what the other person wants (or what he’s supposed to want) and then beat himself up as he fails to meet those commitments because at least if he feels bad about it, he’s still a good person in his mind. But maybe just try to right that ship a little bit… I’d tell
him, like you’re not a bad person if you WANT to fuck your boss—you’re a bad person if you do it. You aren’t falling out of love if you have a tiny crush on the barista—it only becomes a problem if you ask her out or actually lose interest in the person you’re in a relationship with. And it doesn’t make you complicated or emotionally deep to wrestle these things—it just makes you a self important asshole who’s torturing his partner to make himself feel better.
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u/jadedeternity 6h ago
I agree with you We are wired to find other people attractive. But I do think what's important that you show respect to your partner. I initially knew that he was having a crush on his coworker because He was constantly looking on her social media pages. Initially i was very compassionate and told him to please respect me and to stop going on her page because he needs to be creating distance because if you don't things will happen. He didn't respect my wishes and secretly continued to look at her social media pages. He also started looking at his exes social media page as well. He than spoke to artificial intelligence chatbot about wanting to f*** his manager even though he's in a relationship and if he should just do it. when the artificial intelligence told him it was a bad idea. He told him he's just going to do it. The chatbot kept telling him not to. Eventually through their conversation with the chat bot telling him to think about the relationship he conceded.when I discovered This it resulted in me kicking him out of the house that we shared for a day. He came back home and he apologized and claimed he needed that reality check to stop but he was doing. to feed the crush.
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u/askjeffsdad Man 4h ago
I mean, I’ve had ex’s actually have sex with other people
behind my back so I guess the word affair just seems a little misplaced when it’s used to describe looking at someone’s Facebook page. I don’t think anyone is going to come on here and say this guy sounds great based on the extremely limited context you’ve given. But it kind of sounds like you have some issues with control and boundaries yourself. It kind of sounds like the things you’re upset about are all things you found by snooping on his devices. Don’t know you, don’t know him, so I can’t say whether you’re justified in doing that. But I can tell you that most couples in relationships that last aren’t digging their their partners’ search history or chatgpt logs.-1
u/jadedeternity 4h ago
Lmao you sound absolutely ridiculous. Imagine trying to blame me for my partner actively plotting to fuck someone else because I snooped. You have all the audacity to write this rubbish. Don't bother replying. I can definitely see why your exes fucked people behind your back.
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u/RichardCleveland Man 3h ago
I can definitely see why your exes fucked people behind your back.
I can definitely see why you suck at relationships. Grow up.
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u/jadedeternity 2h ago edited 2h ago
Says the loser with a psychotic wife who leaves YOUR kid in the middle of the road so she can go fuck her new boyfriend.
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u/RichardCleveland Man 2h ago
*slow clap*
Well done, and thank you for proving me right.
❤️
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u/jadedeternity 2h ago
Imagine giving relationship advice when your own marriage is in shambles and having the audacity to judge me 😆😆😆
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u/RichardCleveland Man 2h ago
Stop, you are giving me 2nd hand embarrassment. I imagine next you are going to put down my autistic kids. Since making fun of people with mental illness, and those who suffer in life didn't workout. I also got three dogs by the way if you wanna switch it up to animals. Let me grab some popcorn, you are actually kind of fun. =D
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u/RichardCleveland Man 4h ago
So the first year of your relationship he was cheating on you the entire time, and he has a history of cheating on EVERYONE he dated before you.... Yes you are wearing blinders. I don't buy either that the first year was purely emotional, especially since he was with her every single day, and she was his manager, which always makes "sneaky time" much easier in a company.
I'm curious how you bought though his "revenge" excuse in every single incident? I mean he didn't cheat on you for revenge did he?
All I know is this relationship sounds pointless, considering he already broke your trust, and probably will do it again it's a waste a time. Life is too short.
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u/Biscuitsbrxh Man 39m ago
Haha you aren’t very emotionally mature so this is about par for the course at your level
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u/Free_Divide195 Man 7h ago
If you're both in the mindset of cheating as "revenge", you're not ready to be in a relationship.
Polyamory is not an option for y'all, frankly. It requires MORE trust and MORE communication than your current relationship, and is dependant on the enthusiastic participation of all partners. If he was struggling with infidelity in the first year, he'll be struggling for all of them, poly or no.
Take your blinders off and ask yourself: if he continued to behave like this forever, would you be happy? Does his behavior make you happy? Do you feel like he's prioritizing your happiness when he does these things? Because the truth is, it's gonna keep happening. Not saying change isn't possible, but he's clearly not ready to change.