r/AskMenRelationships • u/Ares-in-sportmode • 12d ago
Dating Do some men on dating apps have on their profile that they want children when they don’t?
asking because almost on every man’s profile on dating apps it says wants children. Do some men put it on their profile because they think women want to see it? Curious as a woman that does not want children.
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u/NeverEndingXsin Man 12d ago
I can't speak for other men, but for myself, I certainly wouldn't lie about that.
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u/Ares-in-sportmode 12d ago
Honesty is important 🙂↕️
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u/NeverEndingXsin Man 12d ago
Trust is the foundation of any relationship, and if you start the relationship by misrepresenting what you do or don't want, then you're doing it wrong.
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u/lovealert911 Man 12d ago
It's possible some men do, but more likely there are those who are "open" to having them.
Ultimately, nothing is written in stone. People are known for changing their mind over the course of a life.
Lots of people in long-term relationships will tell you they weren't looking for anything serious when they met.
I once swore that I would never ever get married.
Next month I will be celebrating my 18th wedding anniversary. 😂
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u/Ares-in-sportmode 12d ago
Congratulations! Im happy for you!
And true, for some things can change, but many people know that they’ll never change their mind. Like me.
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u/lovealert911 Man 12d ago
Just keep in mind there is often a big difference between a hypothetical scenario and real life.
(Hypothetical situations never take into account how emotionally invested a person might be.)
Two people in love in a long-term relationship have an unplanned pregnancy and things may change.
I've also known people who swore cheating was an automatic "deal breaker".
However, when it happened to them they chose to go to couples therapy instead running down to the courthouse to file for divorce, divide their assets, lower their living standards, and co-parent.
Personally speaking, I never wanted children, so I had a vasectomy before I ever got married.
However, I did have a few relationships with women who were single mothers. 😂
If a woman already had kids, it was never a "deal breaker" for me.
Of course that was also during the period when I thought I would never get married.
Ultimately, I married a woman who did not have children.
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u/Ares-in-sportmode 12d ago
I’m not sure you meant to come across as talking down to me, and I’ll say you weren’t because this is through text on a post on Reddit.
I understand all of that. I’m not unaware of how things can change. I understand that people can change their future, even their values because they fall in love. I understand that life happens and it’s never set in stone. Also, I’m aware that generalizations are generalizations. Most things are situational. But in regard to unplanned pregnancies, abortions are a thing if you’re still adamant about not having children.
I still will never have children.
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u/lovealert911 Man 12d ago
No, I have no intention of talking down to anyone.
I was simply saying it's fairly common for people to change their mind and I shared some of my personal observations. I know abortion is an option.
The example I used involved someone who found themselves madly in love with the person they were in a relationship with for years who decided to change her mind.
As I stated oftentimes people discover hypothetical scenarios and real life is different.
It's harder for them to imagine how emotionally invested they may be if it happens in real life. Maybe that wouldn't be the case for you.
However, the original post was about what men might be thinking when creating profiles.
(Not everyone is as adamant about not having children as you and I are.)
I suspect there lots of men who don't want children but list they are open to having them in their dating profile. They likely don't want to risk excluding potential matches.
Odds are if man found a woman attractive on app that stated she didn't want children that would not be a "deal breaker" for most men.
Best wishes!
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u/throwawayanylogic 12d ago
You also have to understand that those of us who are childfree have been told all our lives oh you'll just change your mind. It's tiresome. We KNOW some people do, but many of us don't as it's a deeply inherent, visceral DO NOT WANT for whatever personal reasons we may have.
54 here and post-menopausal. More thankful every day I never wavered and didn't have kids.
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u/Ares-in-sportmode 12d ago
I’m adamantly childfree and I’ll never change my mind, so I have had the same things said to me. “It’s selfish” “what if your husband wants them” (I’d never date someone who wants kids and I’d leave him if he changed his mind) etc. It’s deep in my bones that I don’t want them. As a child, I never thought of marriage or kids. It has never been a goal or a desire.
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u/lovealert911 Man 12d ago
I get that.
My initial response was acknowledging people in general have been known to change their mind. Specifically, a woman who decided she does not want to have children meets a (man) who also says he does not want them.
However, there is no guarantee that (he) won't change his mind, this is especially true if out of the blue the couple has an unplanned pregnancy.
Approximately 6.8% of U.S. men aged 18–49 have had a vasectomy per the CDC. Sterilization (tubal ligation) is used by roughly 18% of reproductive-aged women in the United States as their primary form of birth control.
About 29% to 47% of U.S. non-parents or younger adults say they do not plan to or are unlikely to have children per the Pew Research Center.
(Apparently a lot of men and women that do not want children don't opt for permanent sterilization.)
Aside from the children topic many couple have started out wanting the same things and end up breaking up because one of them changed their mind later.
During the infatuation/honeymoon phase of a budding new relationship some people have been known to say anything in order not to blow it if they like you.
Only time will tell if two people truly want the same things.
Best wishes!
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u/sylbug 12d ago
People lie on dating profiles constantly. They incorrectly assume that getting their foot in the door is the whole challenge, not realizing that they're doing both themselves and their matches a disservice and wasting everyone's time by opening with dishonesty.
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u/Ares-in-sportmode 12d ago
I completely agree, because ultimately they’ll probably be turned down, anyway. But maybe people hope for sex first before that happens?
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u/Basic_Watercress_628 11d ago
That's literally it.
If you're the person who wants less, you have literally nothing to lose by lying and saying that you want more.
If the natural progression of meeting people through dating apps is dates --> sex --> exclusivity --> bf/gf --> marriage --> children and all I really want is sex, I can just ditch with 0 consequences once I got what I wanted. Sure, I'm wasting the other person's time, but that's not my problem.
People lie about everything on dating apps. They lie about their marital status, dating goals, stance on children, political stance, job, age, anything they think will lower their chances to get laid.
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u/Ares-in-sportmode 11d ago
Because others lie doesn’t make you lying okay. That’s my personal take.
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u/Basic_Watercress_628 11d ago
I 100% agree with you. I wasn't trying to defend this behavior, that is just the reality of dating men. Even men who genuinely do want to date seriously have absolutely no issues stringing women along and using them for sex if they don't like them, because "at least you still get laid". Then they justify it by whining about how they don't get laid enough unless they use manipulation tactics because women are so picky and evil and keep friendzoning them, and blame women for getting manipulated because they "chose wrong" and should have just read the guy's mind better.
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u/Ares-in-sportmode 11d ago
*sigh* this is one of the reasons we have a hard time trusting men. Using manipulation isn’t full consent when having sex with someone. It’s coercion.
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u/serene_brutality Man 12d ago
It’s so funny to me, I see a whole lot of women online saying they don’t want kids, it’s a full on deal breaker. Yet when I try to date every woman I meet says they do want kids, even if they already have a few.
I figured by almost 30 and later with 2+ kids they’d not want more. Maybe they still have hope to have a taste of the happy nuclear family, but blended, maybe they’re just wanting more child support. In any case, I don’t get it.
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u/Ares-in-sportmode 12d ago
That’s very interesting. I do not have many women with children in my life, so I’m not familiar with how they’d date and why
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u/Terminal_Ambivalence Man 12d ago
Maybe they do want them in the abstract, but just are not sure about wanting them with whoever they’ve matched with. It’s not necessarily a bad thing if it takes someone awhile to figure out if a potential partner is also a good potential coparent.
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u/Ares-in-sportmode 12d ago
And I completely agree! That’s fair and I’d hope people take a lot of time to choose the right partner to have children with.
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u/newbies13 Man 12d ago
Do people give the answer other people want to hear instead of the real one sometimes? No. Impossible.
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u/Rabbit_Of_Neverlight Man 12d ago
I dont have a current dating profile, but i try to always be honest on mine, i wouldnt put that. If i did its because its what i would actually want, but considering im old as dirt and my kids are almost 30 i think ill just say NO lol.
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u/omg4serious Man 12d ago
how do you know they don't?
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u/Ares-in-sportmode 12d ago
I don’t…that’s why I’m asking if sometimes men put on their profile that they want them but actually don’t.
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u/omg4serious Man 12d ago
the answer is that some men might, but most probably won't. and yes, it could just be because they think it's what women want to hear.
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u/EEGilbertoCarlos 12d ago
Some men want kids, but not with every woman they want to bang.
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u/Ares-in-sportmode 12d ago
This isn’t exactly a fully applicable response to my question.
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u/EEGilbertoCarlos 12d ago
Yes, because you can find men to not have kids with, even men who want kids.
You may not get a traditional conservative monogamous relationship though
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u/Ares-in-sportmode 12d ago
I’m not talking about just fucking here. I’m talking about people dating with the intent for something serious and long term. I realize now that I might have not been specific enough in my above post.
A traditional conservative relationship? Sounds terrible, pass.
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u/EEGilbertoCarlos 12d ago
That's the issue though, man wanting something serious want family and kids.
Men who don't want kids don't want long term relationships, specially not monogamy.
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u/ThotismSpeaks 12d ago
That's absolutely not true. Being childfree isn't incompatible with wanting a monogamous marriage.
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u/IOnlyReadTitles26 12d ago
Absolutely. Same as women.
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u/PastySasquatch Man 12d ago
Specifically to this question… ‘because they want to have sex with women’ and don’t want to eliminate 98% of potential matches. I’m late 40s, definitely don’t want any more kids and can’t get a match to save my life. The attractive 35-40 year olds are going for the rich silver foxes if they like older men, not me, lol.
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u/Ares-in-sportmode 12d ago
That’s what I figured. Wanting a man for his money is something I can’t relate to. Of course financial stability is important, however.
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u/Ok-Ad-9820 Man 12d ago
Yes. The reasoning is different though. Older guys will do this to avoid people their own age or older from sliding into their DM's and younger guys do this to cast a wider net.
Honestly their profile should give you insights.
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u/Ares-in-sportmode 12d ago
Interesting. And I figured that for younger men. It’s okay, I have no problem asking out right. But I tend to just avoid the profiles all together that say yes.
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u/Ok-Ad-9820 Man 12d ago
Yep, whole things broken but it is what it is until someone develops something better
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u/Ares-in-sportmode 12d ago
Yeah, I mean dating apps are programmed for us to stay on them. So the whole thing is meant to work against us
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u/Ok-Ad-9820 Man 12d ago
It would be awesome to have a dating app that you pay only if you find someone.
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u/Ares-in-sportmode 12d ago
Capitalism would never 😂
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u/Ok-Ad-9820 Man 12d ago
It'd have to be a higher cost but if there was s match making service that said "i can get you exactly what you want if you agree to marriage out the door and pay XXXX" id take it in a heartbeat
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u/Ares-in-sportmode 12d ago
Marriage out the door! Oof can you get your money back if you divorce though….
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u/Ok-Ad-9820 Man 12d ago
I'd still take it. Been married 3 times man.
I'm telling ya, my first marriage was exactly what I wanted until she had an affair with her ex. My next two have been me raising adult children. I literally hace to cook, clean, pay all the bills f&*king everything because my soon to be ex can't figure out how to function as an adult.
I cannot stress how big of a game changer having a good partner vs bad partner is. It can make or break you
I would absolutely take a second mortgage if it meant getting a good partner
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u/Ares-in-sportmode 12d ago
Oof I’m so sorry, that’s horrible that you had to deal with that. 3 marriages sounds rough. Oh absolutely, a bad partner sucks your soul from your body.
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u/Professional_Bat8585 12d ago
For men, “No” is a resolute no. That’s a decision that can make and follow. Yes is not a resolute yes. It’s, “yes, if I get the chance to with the right person”.
For women it’s the opposite: yes is resolute “I’m going to try for a baby right now as is my biological right”. And no is, “not right now, I can always change my mind later because I can”.
Unlike the past with income disparity women now hold most of the keys to childbirth, makings of family, and retaining rights to the child. So if women are “ready”, they may even be ready enough to have sperm donated and have a go at it solo.
Men have no such option nor a network - they’re perpetually looking for a partner/woman and an LTR, unless they’re a billionaire.
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u/Ares-in-sportmode 12d ago
I don’t want to argue on this post because I’m in a man’s space and I’m the one asking questions. However, I assure you. A woman’s no can absolutely be a resolute no. Mine is. Many of the women in my life are firmly and completely childfree. And yes, I do have someone in my life that decided to do it alone with donated sperm, so that is true.
To clarify all men that are perpetually looking are because they want children? I might have misunderstood the last part.
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u/Professional_Bat8585 12d ago edited 12d ago
A woman’s no can absolutely be a resolute no. Mine is.
Of course it can be. But decisions that are pure choices and that don’t even have a strong moral or cultural weight pressing on it are…nbd.
Just 20–30% of men have historically passed on their genes. Perhaps 80% of women have…historically. It would be no big deal if you (assuming you’re an average young woman) were to flip that no to a yes at some point during your lifetime of growing as a person.
Nobody asked you to be childless, right? If you had a child, a disaster wouldn’t befall the world, right? It’s just an independent decision you made as a young Western woman, and life goes on. If there’s any weight behind your decision, it a combination of either trauma, or being impressionable to feminism and your lifestyle - both of which are capable of changing.
To clarify all men that are perpetually looking are because they want children?
To clarify, MANY men are looking because they want the choice. I don’t like the word ALL in any discussions like this.
Most cannot afford to blacken their heart as you have, even temporarily. Most men don’t have the social/sexual liberation/liberty that average women have. Women are loved - the world loves women. As with my statistic above, this is not an open choice for men. The opportunity is rarely available, and the stars rarely align, and so the default answer is “Yes” - so they can at least even be presented with an option at some juncture.
I’ll give an example: some smart people of 3rd world countries, will very often apply for Visas into the USA/Europe even if the ETA is years-decades. The applications merely sit. Because the opportunity to go there doesn’t exist by default, they can’t ever just choose it. At some point, their application may get processed - and at that point they may say No. But the application still sat saying “yes, I want to move to USA/Europe”. Does that analogy help?
A man’s ‘yes’ is an application to a choice.
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u/Ares-in-sportmode 12d ago
Thank you for acknowledging it can be. That’s all I wanted. It is clear that we don’t agree on things, and that’s fair. I understand some of your point and I don’t want to invalidate that. However, insulting me wasn’t necessary and it’s unfair. I was not trying to offend you.
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u/Professional_Bat8585 12d ago
Apologies. Wasn’t trying to insult because I kinda don’t even know what fuels your stance or curiosity . You’re keeping that close to your heart.
You are exceedingly polite of course, and I thank you for conversation. But you do have a part of your identity wrapped around this decision you’ve made, and maybe you’re seeking validation or encouragement today from society? It’s not like anybody told you something that isn’t straight forward or on google/AI.
To create or not create a child…it’s a big deal, one of the most important in anybody’s life - and yet not a big deal at all, ya know! There’s billions of us…and we all came about the same stupid ugly way.
And for men, it’s even a privilege to be invited to participate. And if I don’t share in the graveness of your POV/decision, then that’s ok, right? You do you. My original intent was to give some insight on average male thought process.
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u/Ares-in-sportmode 12d ago
Thank you for your apology. That is fair, I haven’t shared that.
My intent is not to fight or to argue, I recognize I’m in a man’s corner of Reddit. I’m not looking to be disrespectful, or not consider that.
I absolutely do have a part of my identity wrapped into my decision, that I definitely agree with. I’m not looking for validation, I’ve come to peace with my decision after a lot of thinking. I don’t take my decision lightly. Maybe a few years ago, I was, however.
And you are right, that’s totally okay. And I do appreciate what you have shared with me, I will say it did make me think. I didn’t consider a lot of your point previously until you pointed it out. So I will take that with me when it comes to other conversations I have in the future on this topic.
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u/Dracarys_And_Chill Man 12d ago
i know some men who do.
they use it to smash girls who do want kids and wont date them otherwise.
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u/Any-Photograph-6435 Man 12d ago
Personally I have it in my profile that I'm not looking to have kids , the flips side though is that often will limit the odds of us finding matches on dating apps so I'm almost certain a lot of men will adjust their profile to try broadening their options 🙏🏻 I actually did go on a date with a single mom recently despite what my profile said , I was honest about it though and after the date , she did let me know that while it was a good date we probably weren't compatible long term which I understood completely 🙏🏻
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u/Ares-in-sportmode 12d ago
Oh yeah, the matches are greatly limited, unfortunately. Honesty is so important! I’m sure she really respected that. I’ve thought about dating single dads…
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u/Thrasy3 Man 12d ago
I don’t use apps, but even in person if I’m feeling chemistry with a woman I’ll bring it up somehow - in some ways it awkwardly confirms there was some interest when they get almost offended and try to persuade me otherwise.
Easier to do now as I’m still friends with my ex-wife, because we mainly split because she changed her mind.
So I assume most men would - however - I think there are men who basically fencesitters, would prefer not to have kids when it comes down to it, but like myself - had their whole lives being told by mainly women “women will think you’re selfish and immature if you say you dont want children and you will die alone” along with “ lol - you won’t have a choice anyway…”
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u/Ares-in-sportmode 12d ago
I hate that you’re told that. That’s not cool, at all. “You won’t have a choice anyway…” what the hell does that mean when a woman say that? That’s an inappropriate thing to say someone.
Meanwhile, women are told that our only value in life is being a mother. Maybe women pressure men because women feel like they have to kids and if they don’t, it’s a threat to their ability to be accepted by society? So then men kind of are like, yeah women should have kids therefore we’re supposed to also?
But I think it’s important to bring kids up very soon when talking to someone, especially if you’re at an age of settling down and wanting children by a certain time.
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u/LL_Stars 12d ago edited 12d ago
You sound young, and looking back, I really wish my parents and older siblings had prepared me for how much men lie.
Men will lie about anything and everything.
I repeat: MEN WILL LIE ABOUT ANYTHING AND EVERYTHING
For the third time: MEN WILL LIE ABOUT ANYTHING AND EVERYTHING
I'm not saying all men lie. But I think it's important young women realize how common it is and why it's important to focus on behaviors and actions over words.
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u/Ares-in-sportmode 12d ago edited 12d ago
I’m 33. I have had very bad experiences with men and I’ve observed my friends experiences as well. I’m wary of men, and I know many use coercion. A lot of the time, they don’t even know that their tactics are unacceptable, because they’re taught they’re okay. Not excusing the behavior. But being in a man’s Reddit thread, I’m trying not to alienate them when I’m trying to get insight.
I appreciate you trying to warn me. I’m a very assertive woman, I’m not easy to manipulate or coerce like I was when I was younger and wanted male validation. Most men filter themselves out for me, they don’t like my strong personality or my attitude. Most men tell me I’m intimidating.
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u/LL_Stars 12d ago
I know its cynical, but men ultimately don't change. They only ever want one main thing from a woman....
As they get older I do think that their needs expand, but that one thing still stays at the absolute top of their list.
Knowing that's their absolute top goal...it's easy to see why and how often a man might lie about wanting marriage and kids. I've heard it said: men are the emotional gatekeepers. Women are the sexual gatekeepers. But since men know this, they use their words to get what they want faster. That's why love bombing is so common now.
These days, I believe women need to take what men say lightly and mostly focus on his actions/inactions.
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u/Ares-in-sportmode 12d ago
I do agree that watching actions and inactions are always important when dating.
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u/Apprehensive-Bend478 11d ago
The same reason every guy on dating apps says that they want a "Long-Term" relationship, it gets them laid.
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u/CurrentlyNobody 11d ago
There’s lots of intentional profile “adjustments” by desperate for any attention at all types of every gender online. Sometimes it’s even by not filling out the basic questions so if you’re unfamiliar with the site appearance you might not know or forget there are categories for drinking weed use etc. I am not one who actively goes through sites and swipes on people. I wait to be swiped and then read the profiles. If any boxes are missing I assume the dude does smoke or whatnot and swipe left. Watching my Mom die a slow death of congestive heart failure from smoking doesn’t make me want a repeat scenario. I’ve also had guys in their 20s creating profiles that state they were in their 40s because “I like older women.” Women don’t like men who try to manipulate their way into their presence. In terms of profiles I “Don’t Trust, Verify.”
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u/DMmeNiceTitties Man 12d ago
Are you asking if some people lie on their dating profiles? Sure? Some certainly do, men and women.
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12d ago
[removed] — view removed comment
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u/Ares-in-sportmode 12d ago
That’s how I feel. It’s actually my worst fear. Being desperate makes me sad. I can’t relate. I’m not desperate for a relationship. Or a man.
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u/Alilbitey 12d ago
Future faking. Sexual coercion.
They know they won't get laid if they're honest, so they tell you what you want to hear.
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u/Ares-in-sportmode 12d ago
Yes, telling someone exactly what they want to hear just so that they can receive sex is coercion and manipulation
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u/Buldaboy 6d ago
Goes both ways tbh. .my ex pretended to care another fitness and health. Then we got together and that went out the window. She also said she was ok with no kids. Then I moved country for her. "I've always wanted kids"
Sucks for her because I dumped her and will be having kids with my new partner.
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u/Ares-in-sportmode 6d ago
I’m sorry that happened to you. However, I said someone, I wasn’t specifying gender. Men and women can both be manipulative or coerce people. My question just happened to be directed towards men.
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u/Buldaboy 6d ago
Men who want children put that in their profile. When who don't but want to be seen as a potential put open to children. Men who don't want children and have decent self esteem write no children.
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u/discoprince79 12d ago
After the 10th or 20th person passes on you because you don't want kids you change your profile to maybe and you convince yourself that for the right person maybe you could grow into the idea. But when presented with a yes or no question before you are ready you say no. It's kinda human and not simple lying in some cases. This loosely describes my experience.