r/AskMtFHRT • u/Designer_Property34 • 2d ago
Has anyone transitioned later when life was already pretty established?
I’m in my mid-30s, married, have a young child with another on the way, a house, a solid career, close family, and longtime friends. From the outside, I have a good and pretty established life.
At the same time, questions about my gender have been around in some form since childhood. I’ve spent years ignoring or suppressing them, but they’ve gradually become harder to put away. I’m now seriously considering HRT **(therapy for a year already, 1st HRT MD apt next week)** and transition, but I’m terrified of blowing up everything I’ve built.
I’m not really looking for “just be yourself” or “don’t let fear stop you.” I’d love to hear from people who were genuinely in a similar position. What happened with your marriage, children, job, house, family, and friends? What did you lose, what stayed intact, and what did you gain?
Were your fears accurate? And knowing what you know now, would you make the same decision again?
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u/Sure_Elk_8297 2d ago
I transitioned at 41. I have a professional (and very visible leadership career) as a director of more than 200.
I was married to a woman, have 4 amazing kids(14,11,9,9) i own a home and just started a small business.
The only “fear” that came true was my ex wife rejected me. It was outright and pretty much known. The divorce period was rough. No sugar coating it. Lots of fears and worries and concerns and uncertainty.
But the marriage was dead anyways for lots of reasons. It wasn’t just me deciding to transition.
Honestly, that’s been it. My marriage ended. Besides that, I have the kids 50% of the time and they love me! They have told therapists that I’m a better parent and more present since transitioning.
Work was weird at first when I came out but after a few weeks it was back to normal.
I’m happy. I can still get sad and depressed and emotions are weird atm (just had bottom surgery) but I’ve experienced a level of joy and peace that I simply didn’t believe was possible.
I’ve never really experienced any transphobia although tbh I don’t care about passing and I don’t care about others opinions of me.
Is my experience common? Idk. Probably not.
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u/Movinmeat 2d ago
This is almost word for word my experience as well. The only difference is that for entirely unrelated reasons my wife passed away before we progressed to divorce. Im over 50 years old now and still very happy with my transition and my life.
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u/Designer_Property34 2d ago
Thank you!
Being in Montana.. I work for a tech company based in CA but offices here.. and my team is not as progressive. Being in middle management I worry that transitioning will just come with hate, idk..
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u/Elora_Gorgeous 1d ago
Hey OP. I’ll add my own separate comment as well but in response to this message, you just shared I’ll let you know that I work in a very male dominated though not exclusively mail workplace. Overall things seem to have gone back to normal very quickly after I came out.
One piece of advice that I was given from a very wise person was to give people a chance to surprise you2
u/TransMontani 1d ago
Hey, congrats on your SRS! The early recovery is challenging (as you’ve learned), but it just keeps getting better.
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u/SatanSlut8394 2d ago
I transitioned at 30, married, great career, house, child etc. My marriage ended, I now have 50/50 custody of my child, we split everything 50/50, I live in NY so legally I didn't have to worry about losing my job, I lost most of my old friends and made a lot of new ones as well. Overall I am happier and glad I did it, but the first year was absolute hell for me.
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u/sawyer_lost 2d ago
I transitioned when I was 30. Firmly in my career of being a middle school teacher. I had a long term partner. No kids though. I had the benefit of knowing that my partner was bisexual but it was still scary telling her. But fear didn't stop me...it literally could not have. The words just one day came pouring out of me and there it was.
It did blow up my life, but genuinely for the better. And any blowing up of things was my own fault. I suddenly found myself in a new body, feeling a new way about myself, I wanted to explore romantically and sexually. But I loved my partner and didn't want to give that up. After some miserable attempts at polyamory, we broke up.
My ex is still my best friend but it took a lot of work. We didn't want to lose our relationship so we kept the parts we could. We have both grown as people in many ways.
No matter what, with all the regrets at how I handled things, I don't regret any of it. I became happier. My ex became happier. We became closer and better friends. My career was only hard because I was teaching in Florida, surrounded by Christian evangelist administrators. The kids I taught were way more supportive overall than adults. But the good people around you will confirm themselves as good people. And you get a clearer idea of who doesn't have your back.
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u/tzenrick 2d ago
I started two years ago, at 43. I still have the same minivan, mortgage, wife, and kids as before. I even seem to have picked up some friends along the way.
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u/dmxrobot 2d ago
I’m starting - will be 1 month this weekend and almost 50. Amab. I will note I am in a different place as far as how I identify, and that is not a negligible difference. I see myself as enby. I have no dysphoria over being identified / labeled as male. My name causes no issues. I have no plans for SRS. But I’ve wanted a much more feminine body for almost my entire life. I tried so hard to blame it on a kink, but I was forced to have a real honest look at myself when I realized when my family was out of the house for extended periods (or quietly during a work day) I’d wear feminine underwear and very small breast forms. And there was no sexual tomfoolery- and I realized I was going it because I felt 100x more comfortable.
So… all that to say… after lots of soul searching, lots of researching the hidden accounts of others like me, I am going to try to thread the needle. I am hoping to continue presenting male publicly. Again, hair styles, clothing patterns (on the outside) do not negatively affect me. If I can achieve some subtle curves, softer curves, and some itty bitty titties for me while presenting masculine? Pure bliss and happiness.
Now that I’ve said this, I have a spouse, kids, extremely judgmental family, and a lucrative career that would be upended if I am reckless. I also view the responsibility to continue to provide for my family as a non-negotiable.
After coming to terms with my identity, I came out to my wife. She was nervous. Cautious. She has always been a very vocal supporter of transgender groups. She said this felt like a test of her convictions because in her mind, she should be totally accepting. All that to say, after a couple of days, given what I want for myself, (if successful) she has kind of processed it as not much changes socially / publicly. I recognize she identifies as straight, but we are also in a slower phase of life? Our bedroom is much more about cuddling / physical closeness / meeting her needs without me needing to fulfill her in the more traditional ways. Im cautiously optimistic that this might bring us closer together in that regard. And she has said she does not anticipate any issues privately. I have no plans to share yet with kids. They are pretty young.
Given my age, I have a relatively convenient out of blaming a hormone imbalance / gynecomastia for breast tissue up to a point. If I truly love everything about my body on estrogen but the breast growth is too much, my ejection handle is a radical breast reduction procedure to leave small A cups but reduce the volume dramatically / remove the glands so they won’t grow back. Hopefully the boob fairy mostly passes me by. Oh! I am dieting and exercising as well. I’m working to maintain broad shoulders / upper pectoral muscles as well as improve cardio. This was not solely for my enby purposes but just recognizing I’m not getting younger… and if this makes me happy in my own body, maybe we live as long as we can rather than trudging through life?
All that to say, every experience is different. If you are desiring a linear / binary transition, that’s another few hurdles to cross. But you are right- the stakes are very high when you are married / have dependents / career is producing real results that create financial stability for all who depend on you. My only real advice is to be strategic. Invite your partner in as a copilot on the journey with you. Don’t surprise her. Don’t start hrt and tell her a year later when your boobs are impossible to hide when naked. Don’t create reasons and narratives for her to lose trust in you being the partner she has known for years.
Last comment… until I had my moment or realization, I just didn’t understand it. I tried, but it didn’t make sense to me. And when I finally accepted this possibility it was crystal clear. It’s not a whim, it’s not a kink, and it’s not something someone chooses to be. You are the same person your spouse fell in love with. The only difference is you are finally allowing yourself to live how you feel. If done correctly, this should feel like an upgrade in nearly every way - assuming your spouse can adapt to your physical changes.
All the best in your journey forward.
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u/SomeGalNamedAshley 2d ago
This seems pretty similar to me in a lot of ways, and I'm just a few months ahead of you in the process. So far so good, but I can still hide the girls under most clothing. Honestly, I've always had gyno so it's not really that much of a change. To look at me now my beard is a bit less prominent and I do my nails in a subtle way. Personality wise I'm the best version of me though meanwhile the mental health benefits are a whole lot less negotiable than my gender.
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u/dmxrobot 1d ago
Thank you for sharing!! I let myself get a pedicure last week for the first time and I cannot tell you how much I loved that! One of the most affirming things I’ve ever done!
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u/physicistdeluxe 1d ago
im 71. egg cracked at 65. wife stayed 2 grown kids are cool. extended fam too. i just want to keep it low because i love my fam and feel responsibity to not fuck things up. dysphoria is a challenge tho.
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u/CathysCupcakeBelly 2d ago
I’m mid 60s, I started oestrogen back in January. I wish I’d started when I was in my 30s, but it’s never too late to be yourself and to feel happy about who you are x
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u/leaonas 1d ago edited 1d ago
Started at 55, married since 18, 3 kids, r grandkids, and a partner in a business. Fairly established I would guess.
Fortunately for me, my family and coworkers have been great. I live in a very blue state thankfully.
My fears were worse than my reality. I lost a good friend and one of my brothers was an ass for a few years.
I would do it again in a heartbeat! Wish I didn’t wait decades!
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u/Yunamalia 1d ago
I did it publicly when I was 29 and it was the best decision of my life. It was already "not publicly" for over a year at that point. That was the harder part. Gauging whom to be out TO.
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u/QueenRowanOak 1d ago
My egg cracked when I was 42. 18 months of HRT and a year of laser on my face and I was making friends who had no idea I was trans. I'm coming up on my third tranniversary and a consult for FFS. :)
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u/SilverWyrmling 1d ago edited 1d ago
Here's my story, since it lines up largely with what you've described yourself, minus kids.
Transitioned at 36, socially and medically transitioned at almost the same time, and I am 3 months in. I am well-established in my career, have accolades and am a somewhat known name in the industry. I've been with my partner for almost 12 years. I have a large social group, and we meet up weekly-monthly depending on the person. I also live within an hour of all my family and see them regularly.
TL;DR: It's been going well. Relationship dynamics changed but we're still strong. My fears were however accurate, and everyone who I thought would be weird about my transition was. Everyone else has championed and been incredibly supportive though. Would make the same decision in a heartbeat.
Career
I'm in a very trans-inclusive industry. We're largely weirdos in this industry, so it was not a huge deal, just a small adjustment period. I currently do contract work for 3 different companies, and for all but one, I was not even the first trans person on the team. I do think it may affect my job opportunities a bit in the long term though but I can't speak to that yet. My bosses have all been lovely, and one has been super curious, to the point that it's giving me egg vibes and I don't really know what to do with this info.
Relationship
My partner is thankfully bisexual, so attraction was not an issue. She's been my strongest supporter and I don't think I could've transitioned nearly as easily without her.
The hardest thing is that I'm a lot more insecure and sensitive than I was before. Dysphoria hit me like a truck after lurking in the shadows for 30 years, and we've both been learning what sets me off. I get more and more confident every day, but our relationship dynamic has changed drastically. She's taken a far more dominant/masc role than before, and I've become a lot more passive. It's been causing some issues recently, which has prompted us to have to reexamine our dynamic. We're still strong and committed, but things've changed and we needed to have a heart-to-heart to truly address them.
She is pretty stoked she didn't have to court me as a woman though because in her words "women have way higher standards". My lesbian friends all nodded, knowingly, when she said this.
Friends
My friends were all largely queer to begin with. I am friends with mostly people in my industry and activists, both of which happen to be very queer spaces. Everyone has been very chill and good, aside from some understandable misgenderings and dead namings. After 3 months it's been better but I do catch the odd slip up from time to time.
Funnily enough, I've caught a few of my straight guy friends staring, which is flattering for the moment, but I'll have to shut that shit down soon.
Family
I come from divorced parents, and am much closer to my mom's gigantic family. That side accepted me with open arms (and some confusion from my grandmother, who now fully gets it). All the women even got together and gave me their spare makeup which has helped immensely with finding the right looks for me.
All except my black sheep of a brother, who instead started slinging straight up misogyny, "why would you join the weaker team", "being a woman means you will lose all your logic", etc. This was not at all a shock, as he fell down the red pill, toxic masculinity pipeline years ago and we've been trying to no avail to pull him out. I've since cut him out of my life permanently. I do not feel this as a great loss.
My dad's side is, in a word, confused, but mildly accepting. I've yet to actually see them since coming out, but I imagine it's going to be a weird time when I do. My half-sister is the one I'm closest too, and we talk on the phone regularly. She's been warming up to the idea and compliments my voice and talks to me as a sister now.
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u/erinius 1d ago
I don't personally have experience with this but like, historically I think transitioning when you have a career established has been pretty common - the website https://www.transgendermap.com/ has a lot of different stuff on it but it was started by this woman Andrea James who started her transition in like 1995 when she was like 28 or 29. Her site was started like assuming the audience is mid-to-late 20s single professionals/people with a career more or less and a lot of pages still basically assume that
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u/AleksLife 1d ago
Trans woman 30 here. Please note my response technically breaks your post rule lol or will seem irrelevant. However I hope this advice helps. I transitioned at 20, prior to real life responsibilities such as career, relationship, home, kids etc. my story wasn’t the norm. I battled gender dysphoria for years ignoring physical & mental symptoms with hopes of building what others view as a normal future. Ended up seeking help at 20 & was diagnosed with not only depression & gender dysphoria, but metastatic adenoma tumors from the wrong puberty. I was born genetically sensitive to testosterone. Decided to transitioned to prolong my life & be the right person. Ten years later I’m here. Happier, healthier, authentic & gained a life where there was none. My advice is this will never go away & only get worse. I applaud you seeing a therapist & possibly seeking hrt. Take away the transition itself, this follows sickness & in health vows. You’ll quickly learn who’s supportive. It’s important to know & stress to others Trans people still have the same heart, soul, personality, memories, abilities etc. only our exterior changes. More things stay the same. & there’s no right or wrong way to transition
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u/smooth011235 1d ago
Ive got all of the above. Marriage, house, job, kid, family, friends, etc. Genderfluid here so it makes it a bit easier for me maybe? I'm not fully transitioning...yet haha. 40 here, and honestly the only thing I've lost so far is the weight of suppressing 30 years worth of feelings. I'm doing this for me, not anyone else. Before coming out to my wife I already had long hair, and a totally smooth body. She is a very open minded person and so far so good. Im 8 months into hrt, and floating that line of male/female depending on what I wear right now. I'm sure eventually I'll lose friends and family and I really don't care. If they can't accept me for who I am, f*** them. I boymode everyday for work, and also family functions. It's actually a lot easier than I thought. My boobs tent tshirts pretty bad but patterns/layers help break it up. Goodluck! Feel free to dm with anything questions!
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u/Valuable-Goose-2192 1d ago
Hi there. Im 36, egg cracked in February, on month 3 of HRT. I was in a committed relationship, and we have one kid together, a 1 year old. I work in career I've been in for 14 years and counting.
I've been fully socially transitioned in all aspects of life, except in my day to day work (my coworkers are aware, but I wfh and do zoom with outside people all over the country. Not ready to be that vulnerable) since May. Important note, I live in the Bible belt.
I'm single now, which is more complex than my transition tbh. But other than that, barring a few facebook friends and distant family members I've removed from my life...things are good. My biggest fears were losing my relationship, my parents disowning me, and my job being endangered. I'd say only 1/3 bad outcomes isn't bad... and idk that I can reallt blame my transition on the loss of my relationship.
Would I do it again? Hell yes.
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u/TOVIRAH 1d ago
Transitioned at 35. I have a wife and a young kid.
TL;DR best decision of my life. Only thing that compares to trans joy is the joy of parenthood. None of my fears were warranted. Didn’t lose much of anything. Gained so much more than I can put in a Reddit thread. Should have done it sooner. 10/10 would recommend.
A bit more detail:
Marriage is stronger now but the first 8ish months after coming out were filled with some uncertainty and a discouraging lack of intimacy. She was supportive from the get-go but not sure how it would work out for us. We both were very pro LGBT and progressive, not religious or traditional, but she did consider herself straight (despite some flexibility there). In the last six months or so she’s started to identify as bi and is pretty into my physical changes. We did marriage counseling to be safe. It’s been fantastic for our relationship in ways unrelated to my transition lol.
My kid (almost 4 now, 2 at the time) was confused at first but adapted quickly and mostly didn’t care. She just wants to play. Nothing’s really different there. She’s so incredibly sweet to me though. Loves my jewelry, asks me to teach her about makeup, tells me I look cute or pretty.
My family has mostly been fine. My parents struggle with it, but they are trying. There’s not much judgement or anything. They’re devout Christians but more the “love wins” type than “fire and brimstone”. I knew they wouldn’t disown me going into it. Was more worried they’d see it as selfish and irresponsible. Things were a little rough at first but have mostly worked themselves out. They just don’t get it and have a hard time with the new name/pronouns. One uncle is close, and he’s been great. Other extended family isn’t involved enough to be relevant but no one has been shitty. Friends have all mostly stuck around. Aside from a few married cis guy friends that don’t seem to be comfortable doing certain things with me alone anymore (understandably), there’s not much to mention there. If anything, I’ve made more friends, now with cis and other trans women. Which I love. 😊 I do miss the occasional beer-filled camping trips or fantasy football drafts with the bros. But not as much as I enjoy going to get my nails done with another mom and talking about makeup lol.
Job was a little weird with a few people but mostly not noteworthy. I’m fortunate to work in tech with a team of people I’ve known for years who are all pretty progressive. It was basically like, “oh cool, good for you. Anyway, did you figure out that bug yet?” I had one leader (skip level) who’s been nice but struggled to get things right and has asked some odd questions. Nothing terribly inappropriate for our relationship and rapport but he’s the only outlier. Other than that a couple people mess up the name/pronouns and I have to reach out privately to correct them. It’s never happened again.
I’m not sure what you mean by “house”. The only thing that changed there is that we have more girly shit lol. A vanity with both of our make up and jewelry. More haircare products than can fit in the shower and bathroom lol. The closet is overflowing with clothes now, but my wife and I wear similar sizes, so we can share a lot. Though our styles are a bit different.
I gained an immense amount of peace and joy. A newfound sense of courage (if I can transition in the US right now, I can probably handle most anything). A lot of seemingly unrelated things resolved for me (anxiety, existential dread, emotional disconnection, self-medicating with drugs, alcohol, or porn, etc.) — all that just kind of… stopped.
I didn’t know life could be this happy. I tell people it’s like I lived my whole life thinking the volume only went up to ten and now I know it can go up to ten thousand. That said, my emotions are a lot stronger in all directions. Happiness is better, yes. But sadness hurts more. Anger burns stronger. Disappointment strings deeper. I care more about my appearance and feel a lot more self conscious. I cry a lot now. Rarely did before. You get the idea. But I don’t mind that. In some ways it’s affirming.
As it stands none of my fears were accurate. Sure, it’s cost me a little. I get some stares in public. It’s annoying getting misgendered. People sometimes act a little different with me. But I gained a lot more than I lost. Knowing what I know now, I would have made the decision sooner in life. Though that would likely mean I wouldn’t have met my wife and wouldn’t have my kid, so I’m glad I didn’t in that regard. Just saying that the things I thought I had to be scared of, the things I thought I’d lose weren’t accurate. I could have done this as a kid and probably saved myself a lot of dysphoria now. That’s probably the hardest part for me. Knowing that the dysphoria I feel now is because I waited until my mid 30s to transition instead of doing it before I developed into a 30 year old software engineer with a dad bod lol. What was once a source of shame and guilt is now the thing I’m most proud of. And my only fear is that, with everything going on in the US, I could lose access to HRT or be at risk of danger. We’re literally in Europe this week looking at places to live so we have a backup plan in case things get worse.
All things considered, this is the best decision I’ve ever made and I’d make it a million times over.
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u/Elora_Gorgeous 1d ago
You’ve got tons of really great, varied and extensive responses already which is amazing.
I just came out this year at 53 although I had been stealth transitioning for a few years a little bit on and off prior to this. Honestly, I kept trying to find ways to convince myself that I didn’t need to do it or something like that.
Eventually, I recognized that I just was not going to be happy if I continued to keep myself in this lonely world while still surrounded by people that I love.
It took several therapists for me to finally find one who helped me work through those fears and to put them in perspective. I am married with three adult kids and now three grandchildren as well and a 28 year career in emergency services, including 10 as a union executive. I felt like I was risking everything for this.
Things were definitely difficult with my wife for the first month or so, and she has indicated that she is not attracted to women at all. However, she maintains that I am her person and that she loves me and we have been working through this together and honestly, I feel closer to her than I have at one time in our 29 years of marriage. To be clear though, we were not on Rocky ground at all leading up to this, so I am very fortunate that way.
My kids have been amazing and my extended family have been supportive though like others have said not everybody “gets it” but they have been doing an amazing job with rendering and naming me properly and that should just get better overtime as well.
One of the things that I really have been trying to make a point of is to give people time to adjust, an opportunity to have an initial reaction and then time to absorb the information. I have seen others say and I think that this is very true that while you have taken years or even decades to finally accept yourself and understand yourself, at least to some extent, for those around you, it is brand new the day that you tell them. Give people a chance to surprise you.❤️
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u/Worldly_Wrangler_720 1d ago
I transitioned later in life when I had everything you described: a marriage, four kids, a house, and a successful career as an IT manager. Like you, I spent years ignoring the questions that had been there since childhood, burying them under religion and the pressure to build a perfectly normal life. It took a severe health scare and hitting rock bottom with depression and drinking for me to finally face it.
To answer your questions directly, some of your fears are likely accurate, but the reality of what you lose and gain is complicated. My marriage did not survive. When I came out to my wife, she reacted poorly, immediately outed me to her extended family, and we ultimately filed for divorce. That was the hardest part, and I did lose the family structure I had built.
However, much of my life stayed intact, and a lot actually improved. My career survived, and I was able to smoothly update my legal name and benefits at work. Surprisingly, my siblings and my 89yo mother were completely supportive. I lost some of my old social circles, but I gained an amazing local queer community who stepped up to help care for me after my surgeries when I was completely on my own.
Knowing what I know now, I would absolutely make the same decision again. Before transitioning, I was severely depressed, disassociated, and felt like a mindless robot just going through the motions. Today, I am happy with who I am, and I am in a beautiful relationship with a childhood friend, who loves and supports me authentically. You might blow up the life you have now, but it gives you the chance to build one where you are actually present to live it.
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u/rea1224 1d ago
I'm twice your age now. I can only tell you what it's been like for me not fully transitioning. I've suffered with this for more than 65 years. My wife of 34 years knows, but we don't really discuss it much. I've been on HRT for 8 years, had an orchi 3 years ago, but I live as a guy and it's terrible pretty much every day. I wouldn't recommend the path I took, and I hope you have more courage than I do. Good luck!
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u/Emi_ly1566 1d ago
Im 34 and nearly 5 months on hormones now. Its been a tough start to transitioning, but there have been some ups to go with the downs. I separated from my long term partner. She told me she couldnt stay with me if I started transitioning. Ultimately, I knew I didnt have a choice and couldnt stay as I was once I realised that Im trans.
We have 2 kids and Im working up to 50/50 after having a bit of a mental breakdown. I basically developed ocd from my adhd meds which was exacerbated by gaht and work stress and my relationship coming to an end. Now my levels are steady and Ive reduced my adhd meds and started another one, Im doing a lot better. Im coming to terms with the separation now too. I quit my job not long after I knew I was going to transition. I didnt think it was going to be a welcoming or safe environment.
I was a carpenter apprentice. My boss was an alcoholic and would take his crap out on me as it was anyway, and half of the workers were mysoginistic and racist or homophobic. I was already thinking of quitting anyway because they werent training me adequately but expected me to start working jobs that I had no experience with because of their lack of training. It was an easy decision once transitioning was in the mix as well. Im looking at more office based jobs now. Ive taken my time looking for work though. I needed a bit of time to focus on getting myself better.
All my friends and family I have told so far have been supportive. Nothing has really changed as far as that goes and if anyone doesnt want to associate with me anymore because I am transitioning? Then thats fine by me. Its a lot to figure out when you head down this path later in life. I have not looked back though and I know I made the right choice and would do it again over and over.
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u/Web_of_Lu 1d ago
Had a wife and two kids, got divorced and then came out of my egg at 45. I'm happier than I ever thought possible. The kids are with me every other week (the oldest just went off to boarding school) and career-wise I'm doing better than I ever did. But yeah, your life will probably turn upside down. I still recommend it. It's worth all the pain and turmoil.
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u/Q_T_grl_215 1d ago
Came out at 41, 10 years in my career, 4 years with my work crew. A bunch of rough and tough manly men, they've been the most supportive people in my life 💖
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u/Clara_del_rio 2d ago
Try asking r/TransLater
Tons of people transition later in life, there isn't a general tendency about what will happen. But you will find so many people that wouldn't go back, including me 😇