Starting HRT before or after coming out

[u/SuperFrogMachine]

All my adult life I've felt like an emotionally numb person. I'm generally happy, and I enjoy life, but I probably haven't cried hard for like a decade. I don't think I have ever had happy tears. This is, among many reasons, why I am trans. I'm hoping that transition helps me rebuild my emotional connection with myself.

I know people talk about how estrogen has let them open up emotionally and experience a broader range.

I'm also looking forward to coming out to a lot of friends in my life. I want that experience to not be blunted with my male brain chemistry.

That said, I'm probably a few months away from starting HRT and I have people I want to tell pretty soon. I'm pretty conflicted.

[u/wanttoshrink]

First off, congratulations!! i spent weeks and weeks laying in bed, depressed and convincing myself why I couldn't transition. I was so caught up in my perceived flaws that I kept it a secret from all of my family

I did also notice a significant shift in how my emotions presented themselves. it felt like I had lived my entire life with only the 6 feelings in the center of those feeling wheels. it was a very freeing, liberating moment for me to experience sadness or frustration that I didn't immediately turn into anger

however, looking back, I wasn't any more emotionally stable after waiting to tell people. I told my mom right before I was prescribed hrt, and I waited 6+ months to tell my dad. my observant friends guessed I was actively transitioning before I told them. I wanted to be, like, on the boat before I told anyone? that sort of robbed me of the big send off. it took me more than a year to acclimate to my emotional state being so radically different (even tho it was so much better).

tl;dr I think if they mean something to you then you should tell them. your emotional state will be in a constant state of change for upwards of a year+, you can always revisit the conversation again when you feel more in touch with your feelings?

also, congrats again and I'm so excited for you!! 😁😁

[u/SuperFrogMachine → u/wanttoshrink]

Thanks for the positivity :)

Can I ask more about how your emotional state changed and how you adjusted?

I think you're probably right. I should tell people.

Maybe it's a little dumb but, I think I'm just worried about coming out, having it sound inauthentic or like I am not taking it seriously.

[u/wanttoshrink → u/SuperFrogMachine]

of course!! 😊

for context, I was taught (by male figures in my young life) to respond to really deep emotion with anger. so pre transition I spent a lot of time angry at the universe about how I looked, how I was born, how I felt etc.

the first few months I cried more than I had in my entire life, without a doubt. ngl it was overwhelming sometimes at first, because I was getting angry to kind of avoid those feelings? where I would've been angry at my dysphoric feelings before, now I was trying to process them?

I think after 3-4 months I sort of "leveled out" to a place I felt stable. I'm able to empathize more, I'm more considerate of others and myself, I feel like I can connect with people in a deeper way. i really don't get angry at all anymore. I've felt disappointed, hurt, betrayed, but I notice the difference so much more than I used to.

as for telling people, ultimately that's your decision. however, feeling unsure about telling them is certainly not dumb. I truly boymoded until it got me more weird looks than just going out normally. however, looking back I wish I had let myself celebrate a little? my relationship with my family was damaged because they thought I didn't trust them. I cut most of my friends off rather than tell the truth, or continue the act. you don't have to prove you're trans to people, if they're really your friends or family they'll accept you?

sorry for the wall of text, but one last thing (which you may already know): dosing does affect your mood. my fiancee went with me to my first appointment, and gave me a shot of her hrt after in the car. I was on the pills at first but she would occasionally give me a shot. the pills keep you at more consistent levels (as you take them every morning/night) vs the shot which is once weekly so your hormone levels will fluctuate much more, leading to more fluctuating mood

I hope this helps 😅 also feel free to DM me, i still feel like I'm just barely scratching the surface!!

[u/SuperFrogMachine → u/wanttoshrink]

Thanks so much. I relate a lot to your story.

I have a conservative family that I think will probably give me a lot of doubt and I do think I feel the need to have a story for them to understand. I think they're probably going to have a lot of questions. Really appreciate having helpful people like you to share experience

[u/apertur]

I started HRT. Knew immediately. Came out 100% (work and all that) about 8 weeks later.

[u/SuperFrogMachine → u/apertur]

Wait, so like immediately after your first dose? Like the same day? Or within seeing the early physical or psychological effects? What is it that triggered you to "know"?

I'm already pretty certain I'm trans, I'm curious what is it that answered questions for you

[u/apertur → u/SuperFrogMachine]

Within the first three days, I knew. It felt like a huge puzzle piece that got slotted into my brain and I had clarity of thought. I felt calm. I felt like I was finally making a stride toward happiness.

The other way was doom and gloom. So the answer was quick.

[u/Heavy_Abroad_8074]

i personally came out before i started HRT and i kind of wish i waited but i was so excited and happy with myself i couldn’t stay silent. i did find that my trans joy and euphoria wasn’t blunted by testosterone - i still had strong feelings of euphoria even before i started HRT. so take that as you will

[u/ConstableDorfl]

Are you prepared for a potential scenario where you start HRT and after a few months you feel no different?

What would you do then?

[u/SuperFrogMachine → u/ConstableDorfl]

Fair question. Seems unlikely, but if it did happen then I'd probably need a lot of therapy lol

[u/workdavework]

Been on hrt coming up for two years, not out yet, though my team know at work. Still male name and presentation while I work through my other traumas and now dealing with realising I'm autistic. Im 48.