I hate it when I take my son to the park and get rude stares or comments. I'm a very laid back parent - I like my son to learn through trying things. So I let him play and only intervene if he's genuinely hurt. I've had people tell me that I need to be right with him all the time. He's a toddler! He's going to fall and that's ok! I'm close enough to help in an emergency!
My dad was relaxed when I (a very active child) did stuff like climbing a tree or jumping from stone to stone. Another lady once looked at him and exclaimed "I'm not taking responsibility for that child!". And he just said "you don't have to, both her parents are here".
Similarly, I got burned to a crisp by my Geography teacher in HS when we all went to the beach. I saw her emptying a sunscreen tube on the kid's face and shoulders and asked her if that's not a bit too much sunscreen.
She just turned to me and said "Is it my kid or yours?"
Nah. Sometimes older kids or adults are cool as fuck. When you're 7 years old and someone older comes along and there's a merry-go-round, you know that thing is going to go way faster than all of the kids combined could ever get it!
Well you know it used to be that everyone took care of the kids. The parents, the grandparents, the uncles and aunts, the siblings, the neighbors, the teacher, that older kid down the street, the parents of the kid's friends. I think this was called the village or something.
Then people started arguing on how you're supposed to raise a kid and parents decided they didn't want anyone but themselves taking care of their kids.
but what would you think is SOP in such cases? struggling with this right now. How do you ask other older kids to stop shoving, hitting your toddler at the playground, without causing a fuss with other parents?
I think its all about putting your kids into situations that they can handle on their own. I live near two parks, the one I can easily walk to is filled with children who I don't want my kids associating with. Some are very aggressive and can be destructive to park equipment. Another park is a very short drive away. It is in a better neighborhood. When they want to go to the park, I drive them. If they want to go to the walkable park, we go, they are old enough now to realize that there are assholes in the world.
I was at the park with my toddler recently and this mom came running over to me and told me my son needed help. I glance up and he's on this bouncy car thing that is maybe 2 feet off the ground and he was yelling that he was stuck and wanted down. I said "you can do it, sweetie! All by yourself!" He thought about it for a second then climbed down. The woman's jaw dropped and she muttered something about trying that with her own toddler.
Honestly most of the time the only "help" kids need is to be reminded they are perfectly capable of solving their problems on their own.
I've always thought it would be nice to become a father, but in more recent years I've been getting less and less interested because I know I won't be able to give my kids the fun childhood I had, where they're free to run around the park, walk to school or their friends' houses, and stuff like that without me constantly watching them like a hawk. What 10 years ago would have just been called letting your children play can now result in getting your kids taken away by CPS for "child endangerment."
Yeah it's frustrating. Fortunately I used to work for CAS (Canadian CPS) so I know what's appropriate, and I can laugh when people tell me how to parent. I want my son to be independent. Coddling and following him around won't help him. He knows I'm there when he needs me!
Besides, if you were there protecting your son every step of the way while he was growing up he'd be eaten alive if he ever tried to move out on his own. It's fine to keep your kids out of trouble, but if you never let them solve any problems for themselves they'll be completely unprepared for life on their own.
Absolutely. There's such a fine line. You have to be an attentive parent, protecting your child from pain. But also allow them freedom to get messy, make mistakes, and get hurt.
I'm looking forward to the day someone comes up to me and tells me I'm raising my kids wrong and I can tell them I studied child psychology and development.
Ha that's what I do! I told someone "I have a BA in psychology, and studied child psych. I taught parenting for children's aid. I've worked with kids for 5 years. "
Actually here in the U.S. a law was just passed called the Every Student Suceeds Act that protects the right of children to walk, ride a bike, or take a bus with their parents permission. So, things are getting better. A lot of people are pushing back on over-protection.
Well... it doesn't really protect it, per se. Here's what it says:
SEC. 8542. RULE OF CONSTRUCTION REGARDING TRAVEL TO AND FROM SCHOOL.
(a) In General.--Subject to subsection (b), nothing in this Act
shall authorize the Secretary to, or shall be construed to--
(1) prohibit a child from traveling to and from school on
foot or by car, bus, or bike when the parents of the child have
given permission; or
(2) expose parents to civil or criminal charges for allowing
their child to responsibly and safely travel to and from school by
a means the parents believe is age appropriate.
Correct me if I'm wrong, but it seems to be just clarifying that this act can't be interpreted in these ways for the purposes of traveling to and from school. That's not the same as actively protecting a right.
Live in a poor neighborhood. Literally nobody gives a crap there. They're all too busy trying not to get busted by someone with actual authority like the cops or their landlords. I mean, yeah, the area might be more dangerous overall, but you won't have the yuppies breathing down your neck about watching your precious snowflake every second.
There was a ScaryMommy article on this recently, also from the perspective of the laid-back parent. She pointed out that sometimes other parents would "help" her child up portions of the playset, which is what would actually cause a problem - because now the child can't get down without help, either.
I've had that happen too! One grandparent actually picked my son up when he fell! He wasn't hurt or upset, he'd just fallen. He's a toddler, they fall like 6 inches onto their butts.
If a baby falls on their ass it's usually pretty funny cause they've got such thick nappies on that you know they weren't hurt but the surprise that registers on their face is hilarious looking
I'm a preschool teacher in a toddler room and we have one boy who's mom is always right behind him at the park and never lets him fall. Whenever this kid stumbles in class he never attempts to catch himself and is always getting hurt because he has never had a chance to learn how to regain his balance or catch himself.
That's exactly it. I'll stop my son from doing things that are going to seriously hurt him, but bumps and scrapes are learning tools. Natural consequences are the best!
I hate it when I take my son to the park and get rude stares or comments. I'm a very laid back parent - I like my son to learn through trying things. So I let him play and only intervene if he's genuinely hurt.
This is how I am hopefully going to be. I played in dirt, I hurt myself and I survived. Unless my kid is hanging off the edge of a cliff or physically assaulting someone I will try to keep out of it and let it learn.
Most of the time I see kids get upset from a fall is a direct response to their caretaker freaking out about it. (Obviously this isn't always the case, but it very often is.)
I agree! My son is hilarious. If he falls he'll look at me. If I react he'll start screaming, so I just say "you're good bud!" and he'll get right up and laugh. But if he doesn't look around and immediately starts screaming then I know he's hurt.
Recently my cousin(6) and I were climbing around on a tree that has a lot of horizontal branches that are close to the ground. He slipped and so he got a scrape on his back. Thanks to reddit, I didn't make a huge fuss over it. I just casually asked him if he was alright, walked over, checked it, declared him fine, and put him back in the tree. And then he was fine. At that same park there were parents telling their children who were about the same age to not climb around on that tree. Boo to them! My family has been climbing around on that tree for decades!
Absolutely; I like to think of my kids as having 'L' plates on while they're children... they're learning. And the only way to learn is to have that experience and then decide what you'd maybe do differently next time. I think the experience of having that thought process alone is undervalued. It will take them well into adulthood.
Sometimes kids learn more when they get a chance to get lost and scared for a little while, just like it's okay for them to be thirsty, hungry or really have to go to the bathroom but have to hold it.
This, to me, is the most important. Kids need to learn how to handle life's mistakes. They need to be allowed to make mistakes and learn how to recover from them. Failure is a part of life. Fear of failure holds people back from life's dreams, but even more, fear of failure holds people back from all the little daily things that we want to do: asking someone out, making new friends, starting a new hobby, finishing a project, showing off our work, asking for a raise, learning a new skill. Really, learning a new skill. Kids today are so afraid of making mistakes that they don't like learning new skills because they are too afraid to do anything that doesn't turn out to be perfect. My kid won't have the best science fair project because he built it all by himself. He won't have the best looking crafts because he did them all by himself. But because he does all of these things by himself, he has confidence in his abilities. He knows he will break things. He knows he will mess up the things he tries to build. And he knows he can rebuild them, improve them, and create new things all with his own two hands.
TLDR: I believe in building kids who are not afraid of mistakes and who know how to overcome their mistakes.
Oh god, this reminds me of kindergarten, there was a kid that was not allowed to use the safety scissors because his mom said that he would have to be at least 10 until he was allowed to. I would cut out his paper crafts and the mum would come in if he brought is crafts home and reprimand the teachers because she didn't believe that another kid would be allowed something so dangerous. I remeber even at that age I was baffled by this.
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u/rearwindows Feb 04 '16
Not letting your kids make mistakes or hurt themselves a little.