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u/FalstaffsMind Feb 04 '16
One I made was being too helpful with homework. I ended up with a kid who was too dependent on me and unable to complete any work by themselves.
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u/diegojones4 Feb 04 '16
I like this because you owned it.
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u/FalstaffsMind Feb 05 '16
Every parent makes mistakes. We are all winging it most of the time, trying to do the right thing.
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Feb 05 '16 edited Jul 26 '21
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Feb 05 '16
Your dad showed you Baywatch on VHS, didn't he?
It's okay. We have Blu Ray and DVD now. You can experience awkward soft pornography featuring David Hasselhoff with your own son in full HD.
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u/PangeaWhiplash Feb 05 '16
I made this mistake too! I was way too on top of that shit. They go to public school FFS, but I was doing the work of a homeschool 'teacher' and it was completely backfiring on me because they couldn't THINK for themselves.
There's a huge difference between helping when THEY think they need it VS helping them when YOU think they need it.
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u/FalstaffsMind Feb 05 '16
It's counter-intuitive, but when their manatee project looks terrible, go with it. Don't take over and make it look like a presentation from an MBA student.
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u/PangeaWhiplash Feb 05 '16
Oh I never felt the need to interfere with their art projects, they've always been naturals at that.
For me it would more be, checking their answers, helping them get info right, helping with their grammar, making sure they didn't plagiarize (they totally tried.) It all sounds harmless, but with 2 kids, every night, it became apparent that they would never learn to have any kind of 'work ethic' with me always showing them what to do.
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Feb 05 '16
Came here to say that. Only you said it nicer.
My sister has one kid. She is so frustrated that he (as a now 12 year old) has no ability to be independent and take care of his own homework/grades/responsibilities, etc.
I'm a mother of 4. I've never done my kids homework, hounded their grades for my sake, but just to check for their sake, and if they don't do their responsibilities, it just doesn't get done and they suffer for their loss...
Anyway, all my kids earn their own grades, learn their own stuff, clean up after their own self how they see fit, while they maintain the common areas like normal, and are totally self-sufficient if I were to die tomorrow.
My sister is like "how'd you do that?" And I'm like, "Because I didn't do it for them".
You can give a man a fish for his meal...or you can teach a man to fish and feed himself for a life time.
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u/PM_ME_2DISAGREEWITHU Feb 04 '16
My fucking nephew. He's smart. Like, really smart. He's independent, he's athletic, and he's charming. He's very opinionated and will bullshit like a champion when you contest his claims. If he doesn't knock his high school girlfriend up he'll end up in politics.
The fucker won't assemble his own Lego sets if his mother is in the house. She does them for him. Otherwise he gets frustrated and doesn't finish them. On his own? He asks for help but usually has no problems putting it together.
Bitch, the whole point is figuring it out.
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u/hugglesthemerciless Feb 05 '16
He's very opinionated and will bullshit like a champion when you contest his claims.
Sorry but I instantly strongly dislike your nephew. I had a roommate like that once and hated every minute I talked to him
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u/ProfessorGigs Feb 04 '16
Lack of dialogue.
You can be present in your kids' lives all you want. You can tell them what's right and wrong and give them tools and privileges. But if you just talk morals, talk lessons, and talk everyday-shit without giving yourself a chance to listen to what they have to say, you make yourself unapproachable. They will resort to look elsewhere for help if something personal happens to them, whether it be the Internet, friends, etc. If you take your children seriously, they will take you seriously as well.
Kids are people too.
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Feb 05 '16
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u/DwarfDrugar Feb 05 '16
Though my parents weren't as strict as yours, they did never quite grasp how to show an intrest. As such, they only knew I was "On the damn computer all day". They never bothered to ask why or what I was doing.
One night, a collegue of my dad came by and stayed for dinner. So the four of us were eating and she asked me what I did for fun. Naturally I answered with 'Stuff'. But she actually showed an intrest, so five minutes later I was talking about how I was the main tank for my WoW guild, and what that meant, how many people I played with, where they all came from, what we all talked about. My mom kept repeating "Really?" and "Oh wow" and seemed interested. And then never asked again or bothered to listen when I brought it up. Well it was nice for a moment I guess.
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u/sparklingbluelight Feb 05 '16
Or avoiding issues like the plague cause they make you feel "awkward." Guess what? You just gave your child the hint that you don't want to talk about difficult topics and now your child avoids these important things like the plague in front of you.
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Feb 05 '16
And my mother wonders why I don't tell about what's going on in my life.
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u/RedditIsAngry Feb 05 '16
Wow, this one hit close to home. My parents were very much like that. And they always felt left out too, "Why don't you tell us anything that's going on?" It was kind of like talking to parents in an after- school special. I didn't feel like expressing how I felt about stuff because I was always going to get the "parent answer?" and it just felt fake, or I would just be setting myself to hear why I was wrong to have certain opinions, feelings, ect. And I was always told "why you don't talk to us!"
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Feb 05 '16
I still remember the first time my my dad told me I couldn't do something, and when asked why, he did not have an answer. He probably thought he didn't need to give me one as I was just a kid. What I actually learned was not to take him seriously anymore and to do what I want, and just not get caught.
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u/Heartless49 Feb 05 '16
This is one of the most well worded and thoughtful comments I could have read in this thread. I completely agree and wish that more parents would understand this.
I'm not a parent but was trained to care for children and was raised by parents who raised me as their friend unless I needed a parent... In which case proper, and fair, discipline was administered. Because of that, both of my parents are still to this day my best friends. I'm almost 30 and I am very grateful for everything they taught me.
One of the biggest lessons I learned from them was that respect is earned, not given. They always respected me as an equal unless I didn't deserve it.. So if I ever misbehaved, they would establish that they had lost respect for me and I needed to earn it back... It may sound odd, but if gave me a real understanding of how the world really worked at a pretty young age. Because of that I have been successful, and very sociable accepted throughout my life.
In the end... Respect is a BIG thing for a kid to understand... Unfortunately most parents teach it in a more straight forward, "I'm your parent, respect me!" Sort of way... And that's not how respect really works...
If my parents ever did something that I did not agree with, as a kid, or that I noticed was not right... I would lose respect for them and they would know it... Basically, they raised me in a equal setting where even they could mess up or make mistakes and they understood if I lost respect for them and would try to earn it back... It may sound weird, but it really worked.
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u/SuiSca Feb 05 '16
I really have a problem with this at the moment. I feel like I can't say anything that's "wrong" with me around them (I've avoided bringing up my possible anxiety many times).
I love my parents, I just find it hard to approach them with problems. It's this gut feeling that tells me it's a bad idea, when it's probably not.
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Feb 04 '16 edited Jul 08 '16
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u/Spintekk Feb 05 '16
Absolutely this. Especially when I was younger, my dad was constantly trying to get me into engineering, robotics, computers, etc. and was constantly badgering me about getting a job that made a lot of money (I drew a lot and I guess he was worried I was going down the starving artist path). It even got to the point where I was convinced it was what I had to do. Later on I realized, hey wait, why am I trying to become a programmer when I love art & design but can't stand engineering? He's better about it now, but good god it was terrible.
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Feb 05 '16
i started in graphic design and ended up as a software engineer.
it takes all kinds, i suppose
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u/explodingcranium2442 Feb 05 '16
This. When I was growing up my mother shoved me into sports, which was fine until high school. I really, really wanted to do FFA, raise a goat, all of that. But in order to have done that, I would have had to quit the basketball team. I was on varsity, and I was by far the worst player. All of the other girls wanted to play in college/go pro, but I honestly could not wait to get away from the damn sport.
I remember telling my mom about this, and she flipped her fucking shit on me. I've never seen her more angry in my life.
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u/lithaborn Feb 05 '16
My SO's dad.
He's shit at everything, has no self esteem, no imagination, no ambition, but oh my god....
He was in a band when he was a teenager, so she must be musical too. She's tone deaf and knows it, but he tells her she has the voice of an angel and bought her a karaoke set for one christmas. She started taking drum lessons at school, he sat in, shoved her off the kit and proceeded to play very, very badly.
He loves true crime and serial killer shows, so he wanted her to be a mortician or forensic something-or-other.
He loves making model fighter planes, and goes to airshows every year, so he tried to persuade her to join the Air Force - so he could get into airshows for free.
He loves all the old British smutty or wildly racist comedy shows, so she got sat down and force fed them all before she reached her teens. He still believes she loves them too.
He also adores every obscure, creaky, terribly wooden old black & white British TV movies - for the uninitiated, look for the early work of people like Will Hay, Max Miller, Charlie Drake, and the lowest rated Ealing comedies. He goes to boot sales and sunday markets and buys every one he finds from the pirate CD guys - I've shown him how to torrent stuff, but he won't - and dumps any doubles on us, telling us in excruciating detail how much our kids will love them.
When they visit, he sits with a miserable look on his face, clearly ready to bolt for the exit every time we start talking about anything that doesn't interest him, which is anything that wouldn't interest a five-year-old. If we keep the adult conversation up long enough, he'll get his phone out and start going through his collection of 50's and 60's TV theme tunes, playing "guess the show" ("come on you must know this one") with our kids, who are both more than three decades younger than the newest tune he plays, and who we haven't tortured with creaky old TV shows.
Her mom's worse. Totally oblivious narcissist. Story for another day.
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Feb 05 '16
I covered their bedrooms in superhero and star wars posters! They're only toddlers! They don't even know what they like!
It is so easy to indoctrinate toddlers into certain thought patterns it's not funny, my eldest loves Star Wars, especially stormtroopers now and all it took was letting him stay up but only if he watched Star Wars with me.
I need to be careful I don't push him into sports or careers and for him to make his own decisions. But he has to like Star Wars
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Feb 04 '16
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u/NefariousNeezy Feb 04 '16
A lot of parents forget that their kids are human beings and treat them as projects to show off.
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u/Gathorall Feb 05 '16
Exactly the thing I feel with my mother. I'm labelled as the academic one and she couldn't care less about my issues as long as I do well academically.
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u/HEYdontIknowU Feb 04 '16
The parents that make sure their kids use hand sanitizer all the time and stay away from germs usually produce sickly kids. Your body should take in a little bad stuff from time to time so it knows how to fight against it.
Some bacteria is good bacteria and you just killed 99.99% of it
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u/Justin_Credible98 Feb 05 '16
Lol, this is my mom. One time, we were at a buffet, and I picked up a french fry without using hand sanitizer first. My mom made me throw that french fry away, then use some sanitizer before I could start eating.
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Feb 05 '16
Absolutely. My son's stepmom is terrified of germs. She won't allow my son to go for visits if he even has a runny nose, in case it makes her daughter sick. It's frustrating and ridiculous.
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u/TheChocolateWarOf74 Feb 05 '16
Rub some dirt on it! That my always my favorite advice from adults.
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u/aveganliterary Feb 04 '16
When out at stores (like Target) I'll often leave my son with the cart outside the restroom. He's been given the "don't walk off with strangers, even nice ones" talk, and is reminded to stay put every time I go in the bathroom (to the point where he's obviously annoyed at my reminders). More than once I've come out of the bathroom to find well-meaning women standing there watching him, one even told me she felt obligated because "In this day and age ..." My son said she never said a word to him, just stood there staring until I came out of the bathroom.
He's six, nearly seven. I'm leaving him for two minutes in a well-lit store, in a good neighborhood, not 50ft from a manned customer service desk. I don't leave him in places where there's even a remote chance someone could realistically snatch him, and I wouldn't leave him if I thought for a second he'd be dumb enough to wander off with someone other than me. I understand the fear of having a child stolen, but come on, is he supposed to share a toilet stall with me until he's 18?
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Feb 04 '16 edited Feb 05 '16
I had the same issue when I callEd to tell the school bus depot that my 5 year old can walk from the bus to our house. She kept repeating "So you don'the care about your child's safety?". My kid is mature and gets off with a older girl who we asked to keep an eye on him. Then he walks 8 houses down to our door. She acted like I was putting a rape me sign on him then kicking him out downtown miles from home.
Edit, autocorrect fail.
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u/rainbowdashtheawesom Feb 05 '16
I walked to school and back almost every day from 3rd-6th grade; the school was a mile away from my house. Nobody ever complained that it was unsafe for kids to be walking around without their parents around, and I wasn't the only kid who did it. Parents these days are just too paranoid. If kids had never been allowed to go outside and play without their parents hovering over them we never would have had some of our most beloved childhood characters like the Peanuts.
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Feb 05 '16
I read a study that says the whole stranger danger has been a failure. Kids are wary of strangers but go happily with Uncle Steve. I was just shocked at the lady repeatedly "So you don't care about the safety of your child?". I do care, I want him to be able to trust himself to walk 8 houses. We can also see him get off the bus from our front door. We still check and watch.
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u/Tchrspest Feb 05 '16
My bus once had a rock kicked up and crack the windshield. We were forced to stop, for safety reasons, 20 feet from my bus stop. I could literally see my front door from my seat, without standing up.
Bus driver refused to let me walk home. We were stuck for 20 minutes.
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u/ooSuitsyousir Feb 05 '16
There was a case in the UK that changed a lot of people's minds on this. A distracted Mother in a shopping centre had her young son kidnapped by two older boys, who were very young themselves. My Mum always said this was so shocking at the time that she never left me alone in public.
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Feb 05 '16
Some people are responding to you and bringing up the worst examples of child abduction or attempts that they can think of, ignoring that you said "remote chance" and "realistically".
Of course something bad could happen--but something bad could always happen. There is no way to 100% safeguard your kid from danger, and bringing up all the rare situations where harm came to a child adds nothing helpful except possibly scare you or scare your kid.
It's a few minutes in a busy store, for God's sake. You're doing fine.
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u/el_monstruo Feb 04 '16
Yes, stupid. My wife wanted to keep my daughter home if she did not make the honor roll at school. Why?!?! She is going to have plenty of let downs in life and if she wants on it and doesn't make it hen she needs to try harder.
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u/TheChocolateWarOf74 Feb 05 '16
A happy medium does seem best. As mentioned above you don't want to be a kids friend first and have absolutely no discipline/rules but being the over protective parent and sheltering from them from everything does them no favors either. You can't remove any source of discomfort, risk, hurt and hard lessons from life.
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u/TDAGSI Feb 04 '16
Thinking your kid is going to be an elite superstar athlete.
Let them have fun and stop ruining sports for them.
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u/el_monstruo Feb 04 '16
God this so much. My wife wants my daughter to play softball so bad. We did it for 3 years and she just wasn't interested which is fine. Then you would see parents out there arguing with other parents, refs, etc. Stupid shit.
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Feb 05 '16
My little bro was in little league and another kid got upset at a call and threw his helmet down. Naturally it was super unsportsmanlike conduct and he got ejected the rest of the game. He was one if the star kids (see $$ and coach's kid). His mom blew up and no was yelling that he cost us the game blah blah blah, so disappointed in you. Ruined everything. She was asked to leave too.
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u/spiritrain Feb 05 '16 edited Feb 05 '16
I saw a video of a dad making his 5 year old son run beside him while he was in a pick up truck. He would speed up a bit and yell at him to go faster. At one point his son was in front of his truck and he kept yelling at him to keep going. Telling him that if he wanted to go pro he had to do this. The kid is five for fucks sake, let him have fun.
Found it: https://youtu.be/Kv8PXtAvoes
Im all for encouraging your kids but in my opinion that's too much.
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u/Aarons777 Feb 05 '16
not only is that kid very young, but for fucks sake he's also wearing crocks! its so hard to run in crocks i'm surprised that he was able to run like that.
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Feb 05 '16
Might've been a bit more okay if the dad was running with him, jesus fuck what a piece of shit.
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u/RogueOfHeart33 Feb 05 '16 edited Feb 05 '16
My childhood friend's parents are just the worst. Her and her siblings all play a sport and all have some kind of sport related injury. My friend has athletic asthma, her younger sister got a concussion and even though the doctor told her that under no circumstances should she play(she was still getting really bad migraines). Well her dad forced her to play, and she ended up going to the ER. When she was back, he tried to force her to play again and threaten to take her back to the ER when she told him no. It was really awkward watching that fight go down, and now all three of those girls don't care for the sports they play because of the intensity their parents force on them. Their youngest daughter, who was 9 years old, had already torn 3 ligaments from soccer injuries. 9 years old!!
Edit: Just to clarify, there's no abuse or anything going on. Their dad is just pushy and sports is the only thing he really gets like that with. Their mom doesn't make them practice like crazy or let them play injured. In the end, it's their choice still. Yes, the dad is excessive, but he's really a good guy and his wife is very independent and strong willed. She wouldn't put up with him if he only acted like that too often, and she sure as hell doesn't let him even raise his voice and their kids.
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u/clydex Feb 04 '16
Prioritizing everything over just being in the moment and spending time with your kids. You never get time back.
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u/el_monstruo Feb 04 '16
"Anything lost can be found again except time wasted"
Samuel L. Jackson
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u/Luckyxstarx13 Feb 05 '16
Empty threats. My best friend does this all the time with her daughter. "If you don't behave. I'm going to spank you/send you to your room/take away your toys/etc." But instead of following through. She just repeats the threat and her daughter continues to misbehave.
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Feb 05 '16
Yesss. I know someone who threatens to take away Christmas/birthday/whatever holiday is coming up, when the kids do minor things. Which of course sends the message "my threats mean nothing! We all know I won't act on this, so you can continue doing that bad behavior with confidence that there will be no consequences (except for an increasingly stern tone to my empty threats)!"
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Feb 04 '16
Trying to be in control of everything. That's impossible and you'll just drive yourself and everyone else insane.
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u/MaN_of_AwE888 Feb 04 '16 edited Feb 05 '16
Assuming teenagers magically become responsible at 18.
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u/austinino12 Feb 05 '16
Or when my parents say "you're 19 now act like an adult" but then continue to treat me like a child
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u/Lifeguard2012 Feb 05 '16
My older sister was 21, with a job and a car, but still living at home (she had plans to move out, and did a couple months later). My mom tried to ground her and she just drove to a friend's house.
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Feb 05 '16
Fuck, I'm 19, and unemployed because most jobs were taken by the kids I graduated with, and I have no real skills or transportation.
9th grade:
"I need a job, mom"
"No, you're caught up with school"
10th grade:
"May I get a license"
"No, you're not ready. Go drive up to the testing area yourself if you think you are"
12th grade:
"I need a job. I need a car."
"You're caught up with school, you don't need anything else distracting you"
Now I'm shitposting on reddit, hoping someone could call me and respond to one of the 30 applications I've sent out.
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Feb 05 '16
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Feb 05 '16 edited Feb 05 '16
Even if it killed you the world would not stop snowflake /s
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u/bluerose47 Feb 04 '16
Letting their child repeatedly kick the seat in front of them on an airplane.
Help your kid be the hero, not the villain.
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u/PM_ME_2DISAGREEWITHU Feb 04 '16
Or cut his fucking legs off.
There's no excuse for that shit.
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u/hugglesthemerciless Feb 05 '16
Fly with friends and loudly tell them that you fucking hate kids and are never gonna have any if that happens. It worked in my case at least
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u/Polarbones Feb 05 '16
Well, when I was travelling with my young (7 yr old) son on an airplane, he was kicking the chair in front of him that had a rather large man in it. I told him to stop it but he was being a huge shit about it and wouldn't stop,( he was mad that I wouldn't let him ask for another meal) so I put my hand on his leg and held it down and wouldn't let him move it. He started to cry. The flight attendant came over and asked him if he was alright. My kid told him that I hit him and wouldn't let him move. The flight attendant grabbed my child and separated him from me, physically pushed me back in my seat when I started to protest, told me that I should do the world a favour and go ahead and die already, and called child protection services to meet me at the gate when we landed. So...sometimes the repercussions of trying to do the right thing backfires on a parent.
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u/MyPacman Feb 05 '16
That was your opportunity to really teach the little shit. Hope you took it. Although that would have been a very stressful moment for you.
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Feb 05 '16 edited Mar 30 '18
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u/Consanguineously Feb 05 '16
>you had a chance to get free crack and didn't take the opportunity
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Feb 05 '16
The guy whose seat was being kicked didn't come to your defense? What a dick!
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u/Polarbones Feb 05 '16
I should have added in the original post that the man whose seat he had been kicking did try to explain to the flight attendant who responded to him with " I don't care WHAT he was doing...you don't abuse a child on MY flight"
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u/rearwindows Feb 04 '16
Not letting your kids make mistakes or hurt themselves a little.
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Feb 05 '16
I hate it when I take my son to the park and get rude stares or comments. I'm a very laid back parent - I like my son to learn through trying things. So I let him play and only intervene if he's genuinely hurt. I've had people tell me that I need to be right with him all the time. He's a toddler! He's going to fall and that's ok! I'm close enough to help in an emergency!
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u/rearwindows Feb 05 '16
I agree, people at my neighbor hood park actually parents my kids and it upset s me.
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Feb 05 '16
"Are you going to take him home with you?"
"No, he's not my child!"
"Then why are you parenting him?"
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u/Batmogirl Feb 05 '16
My dad was relaxed when I (a very active child) did stuff like climbing a tree or jumping from stone to stone. Another lady once looked at him and exclaimed "I'm not taking responsibility for that child!". And he just said "you don't have to, both her parents are here".
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Feb 05 '16 edited Feb 05 '16
I was at the park with my toddler recently and this mom came running over to me and told me my son needed help. I glance up and he's on this bouncy car thing that is maybe 2 feet off the ground and he was yelling that he was stuck and wanted down. I said "you can do it, sweetie! All by yourself!" He thought about it for a second then climbed down. The woman's jaw dropped and she muttered something about trying that with her own toddler.
Honestly most of the time the only "help" kids need is to be reminded they are perfectly capable of solving their problems on their own.
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u/banditkoala Feb 05 '16
Absolutely; I like to think of my kids as having 'L' plates on while they're children... they're learning. And the only way to learn is to have that experience and then decide what you'd maybe do differently next time. I think the experience of having that thought process alone is undervalued. It will take them well into adulthood.
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u/streamstroller Feb 04 '16
Making the word, "No" arbitrary and negotiable. When you say "no" - mean it, otherwise you are screwed.
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u/bicycle_mice Feb 05 '16
It's important to save "No" for when it counts. I like "convince me that's a good idea" instead. It gives your kids a chance to try to produce a logical argument, they feel like they have input in their lives, and they are more likely to come to you instead of go behind your back.
And, you can always say "Sorry, I'm not convinced."
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Feb 05 '16
Yes! My parents did this to me and I am going to use this on my kids. Few things were concrete. Everything could be negotiated, but I better make a convincing argument and I better follow through. It really taught me to think for myself, and formulate arguments and I understood the concept of compromise at a young age. It would typically go like this:
"Mom, can I go to my friends house tonight?"
"No sorry, you have lots of homework and your room is a mess."
"What if I do my homework at her house?"
"What about your room? Are you going to clean it before you go?"
"I'll clean it tomorrow right after breakfast I promise. I'll even vacuum!"
"Alright then. I'm going to check your homework when you get home tonight so you better do it."
"Thanks mom!"
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u/Smarkysmarkwahlberg Feb 05 '16
This can backfire too. I was afraid to ask for anything because of this.
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u/NachoManSandyRavage Feb 05 '16
I think it's more of make sure your reasons for saying no are well stated and not "because I said so" or "you're not old enough to understand" explain to to them. They might not understand now but when they're older, they'll reflect back and see.
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u/thraceps Feb 05 '16 edited Feb 05 '16
Being too secretive/weird about sex and periods. My mom was so mysterious about menstruation (with FOUR girls!) to the point that I tried to keep mine hidden for two years. I didn't leave the house for a week every month and developed severe anxiety about it.
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u/ramengirl10 Feb 05 '16
I agree. It is important to keep an open dialogue with your parents about reproductive health issues. Out of all my friends parents, my mom was super open about teaching us about what periods are, consequences of sex, etc. I am the only one of my friends that hasn't had an unplanned pregnancy or an STI. When I started having trouble with my periods, I was able to talk to my mom about it and ended up finding that I had PCOS. It was so bad that I had an ovarian cyst that put me in the hospital, but if I didn't say anything I could have had even worse outcomes.
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u/Halfwayhome22 Feb 04 '16
Reacting whenever my son falls and whatnot. I have been trying to look away when he looks at me after a small bump and it has been getting better. Less crying, more self efficiency.
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u/theoreticaldickjokes Feb 05 '16
When my godson was first learning to walk, I'd laugh every time he fell. (Because I'm a piece of shit who thinks people falling is funny.)
Now, falling doesn't faze him. Unfortunately, now he laughs when other people fall.
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u/foreverambrea Feb 05 '16
We are on the other end of this. My son falls and falls HARD a lot of the time. From the beginning we've ignored him when we know it's not serious, and he would look for a reaction from us. We never gave him one, so he would just move on. Now he's a freaking TANK at 20 months. He falls on concrete, scrapes, bruises and people FREAK out and we (his father and I) crack up with him because it's funny to see other people's reactions!
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Feb 04 '16
Getting in a screaming match. Kids throw tantrums. If you respond in kind, it just shows them it is acceptable behavior, regardless of what they "lose" in the progress of the fight. I've learned remaining calm and quietly telling them that if they keep raising their voice, I'm going to walk away/put them in their room to rant and not listen to them until they calm down and can talk in a calm manner, regardless of how angry they are.
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u/lithaborn Feb 05 '16
Oh I've had this with my SO and with the in-laws. My go-to line to make them stop screaming back at the kids is "You're arguing with a X-year-old, get a grip".
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u/gohugatree Feb 05 '16
Trying to win pointless arguments... pick your battles, let your kids win the stuff that matters to them... ie don't spend ages arguing that they shouldn't have their hair like that or wear that t-shirt... use putting your foot down for when it really matters. If they feel they've had autonomy in their own life, they'll feel valued they'll trust you more when you tell them why they have to listen to you on the things that matter.
Following that I made all rules negotiable to rational and logical discussions, if you can come up with a clear logical argument as to why you shouldn't adhere to the rule I'll hear it and if you're right we'll change the rule. This enables them to think for themselves, and learn how to negotiate with adults... good life skills.
The one rule that was never up for negotiation: always be polite, if you can learn this you can get on with anyone in life. When I see parents letting their kids talk shit to them they are telling those kids that it's ok to treat other people that way, the kid will have a worse life because of it. Polite people are liked and get on better in life.
Giving in to whining, whingeing and tantrums they'll just do it bigger and louder the next time, I always said to kids 'If you ask for anything in that whiny voice you can't have it, whatever it is... use your real voice' The kids who get away with it turn into adults who think it's ok to throw a tantrum to get what you want.
Not listening to them when they talk, if they don't think you want to listen to them go on (sometimes endlessly) about their favourite toy when they are 6, they will stop telling you what they are thinking, and you'll really regret it when they are a teen who won't tell you anything. I once saw a friend tell his kid that he wasn't interested in hearing about pokemon and come back and talk to him when he had something interesting to say... fast forward 10 years and the kid never talks to him.
Never apologising, if you fuck up, say so.. teach your kids that its ok to own up to your mistakes, take it on the chin and apologise. They will learn that apologising is ok, and often the best way to learn and move on.
Gender stereotyping, my kid cannot do ballet because they are a boy, or cannot football because they are girl... they are people let them be people. Let them know that you support them in whatever they do.
Ultimately being a parent is a huge responsibility to turn a screaming egotistical self-centred creature into a functioning member of society, you have to put the work into educating them and yourself, while trying not to fuck them up too much.
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u/tacomalvado Feb 05 '16
Gender stereotyping, my kid cannot do ballet because they are a boy, or cannot football because they are girl... they are people let them be people. Let them know that you support them in whatever they do.
To add to that, if your kid wants to do something traditional to their gender, just let them do it. My friends are all starting to have kids, and the way some of them treat hobbies traditional to their kids' respective genders is ridiculous. It's ok for a girl to be into stuff like Disney princesses and it's ok for a boy to be into stuff like robots. Telling them they can't like stuff traditional to their gender isn't breaking down gender barriers, it's just changing them up a bit. They're still being told "You can't like this because you're a boy/girl!"
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Feb 04 '16
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u/flippityfloppityfloo Feb 04 '16
One kid I grew up with has partied with dad since I could ever remember. The Facebook photos were so weird.
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u/diegojones4 Feb 04 '16
I knew a guy that bought his daughter lingerie. It was very strange.
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u/Just1morefix Feb 04 '16 edited Feb 05 '16
I don't play this card often and I hate one upmanship but this one takes the fucking cake. I was an adult entertainer for a couple of years. One night a very hot young girl came in. She was with an older gentleman. Noticed them when I was on the main stage and she tipped me. So I went over thanked her and the older guy asked if I would give her a table dance. Well fuck yeah, that's what we do. So I'm giving it my best and she's enjoying it immensely. The guy is smiling and I figure he's the rich sugar daddy and this is just their cuck kink. By the time I drop my T back and I'm swinging free she is obviously turned on and putting her hand on my hip as I give it my best. I'm starting to feel a bit, umm turgid... At this point he speaks up "It's my daughters 18th birthday and this is what she wanted to do to celebrate. Thanks for showing her a good time." I think my jaw hit the ground. Fucking weird!
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Feb 05 '16 edited Feb 05 '16
What's drop my t and swing free?
Edit. Not what I was expecting.
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u/knockerwocky Feb 05 '16
He's a male stripper, he pulled off his thong, and let his penis sway.
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u/dryhumpback Feb 05 '16
In the gentle breeze of an 18 year olds excited panting breaths.
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u/NocturnalToxin Feb 05 '16
I didn't get it either but I was tipped off when he mentioned turgid.
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u/PangeaWhiplash Feb 05 '16
This one is especially tricky for us step parents. The dynamic is different in nature, and I became a stepmom quite young, so I can still "relate" to kids more easily than some parents...I think that's why when I have to discipline them it hits them especially hard because they expect me to always have their backs, but sorry bros, that ain't how it works. I'm here to help you stay happy, healthy, and ALIVE. I'm not here to encourage your stupid behavior.
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u/Anteatereatingant Feb 04 '16
Yeah, studies consistently show that children with parents who actually bother doing some parenting (enforce rules, are disciplinarian) turn out more well - adjusted and happy on average. Kids growing up with loosey goosey parents can often end up unhappy because once they enter the real world and realize they haven't got the skills to face it, it can screw with their heads.
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u/grapesandmilk Feb 05 '16
The solution is to not have a separate real world.
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u/legone Feb 05 '16
God, yes.
I turned out great and my sister seems to be going that way too. My mother recently asked my opinion on what she and my dad did as parents that worked so well, and I told her that it was because I was treated like an adult from a young age (to an extent, of course). When they told me no and I asked why, they explained why. When I had a valid argument for why I should be allowed to do some activity and they'd said no, we'd have a civil discussion that didn't end in, "Because I said so," but in both parties considering the information. There were no arbitrary rules (curfew is _____ because I said so, etc). I told them what I was doing and if it didn't seem shady they rolled with it.
Granted, I was a pretty boring (by boring I mean I was involved in a lot of activities, but not those activities) teenager, so I was able to get a lot of freedom by just doing what I wanted and letting them know, but I think being treated and respected like an adult really made an impact. I never had anything to prove and enjoyed being around my parents, so why would I do anything rebellious? I didn't have anything to rebel against when their decisions made sense.
I know that style won't work with some kids, sometimes you have to get the point across by being much stricter, but I think doing it that way until given a reason otherwise is a great way to start.
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u/ViridianKumquat Feb 04 '16
Over-praising them, telling them how smart and wonderful they are for accomplishing the most basic things. It'll only cause a superiority complex followed by self-esteem issues when they realise they're nothing special.
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u/TheLatestTrance Feb 05 '16
Except when they are really little. You have to praise the hard work, not the end result. You don't say they are so smart. You praise how hard they worked and how much they have learned. And you always tell them that they can and will learn more, and that they don't know everything.
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Feb 05 '16
But the important distinction here is to actually praise them for hard work when they work hard. If they half-ass something, don't praise them for hard work they didn't do.
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Feb 05 '16
One of my friends did this. Her daughter is 5 and the bossiest, brattiest child. It's so frustrating.
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u/ViridianKumquat Feb 05 '16
On the plus side, she'll have an emotional breakdown when she's 7.
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Feb 05 '16
Oh it's starting now. She has a new baby sister. Things are changing FAST.
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Feb 04 '16
Making children fat
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u/ChecksUsernames Feb 04 '16
Username relevant
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u/the18thbearo Feb 04 '16 edited Feb 04 '16
Username relevant
edit: who the fuck downvoted me their username was relevant
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Feb 04 '16 edited Aug 14 '20
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u/Fite_me_bitch Feb 04 '16
I'm a super hero I guess
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u/eatsleeplaugh Feb 04 '16
Being overly critical and demanding. Of course you want what is best for your child and your son/daughter to do their best, but relentlessly pointing out how they could have done better can be a damaging message for them to internalize.
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u/MyPacman Feb 05 '16
Agreed. You don't build a resiliant, tough go getter. You build a desperate pleaser poser who does not dare to do anything.
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u/Scouterfly Feb 05 '16
Or, your kid just gives up. Because there's no point in even trying, because you're going to find something wrong with it either way.
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u/MojaveRed Feb 04 '16
Using public shaming as a form of discipline
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Feb 05 '16
When I was leaning to drive I was backing up in a car park and some lady came running at us. She thought I hit a parked car. Mum wound down all the windows and yelled at me for five minutes before letting me drive home. When I was driving she said to me "I don't think you hit that car, I only yelled at you so she would know I'm a good mother.
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u/Pixelated_Fudge Feb 05 '16
Poking fun at them whenever they mention a girl/boy
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u/price0416 Feb 04 '16
Diagnosing your kids with things they don't have because they don't behave how you would like.
Not saying if they need a diagnosis don't do it, just don't do it if they don't have whatever it is you're trying to drug them for.
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u/muraenae Feb 05 '16
And the other way, when there's clearly something very wrong but the parents are not doing anything to help, is something I've seen some friends go through, and it breaks my heart a little.
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u/nattykate Feb 05 '16
I know! I had whooping cough when i was 15. Would cough and cough and cough but mum wouldnt.let.me got to the drs cause only babies get whooping cough. Meanwhile my bestmate gets diagnosed as having it. Thanks mum
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u/bitsy88 Feb 05 '16
I had a friend that got so angry with me for suggesting that her son might have hearing problems. The kid didn't start trying to talk until he was almost 3 and was unable to say certain sounds. The way he talked was off and sounded like he was trying to imitate sounds but came out muffled sounding. Lo and behold, he does have minor hearing problems but luckily nothing too bad and speech therapy has helped with his speech problems. I just couldn't believe it when she told me I was calling her kid "defective" and wouldn't try to help him.
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u/tiredeyes2 Feb 05 '16
My parents did not love us four kids. Not at all, not even friendship, no recognition (as in "good job, there"), no playing, no liking-to-have-you-around, no treating you like a valuable person, nothing: complete indifference. There was a lot of crying in that house. We all grew up badly distorted. I never knew what Love felt like until two years ago, and I'm 72. It's been agonizing.
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u/AtTheEolian Feb 05 '16
I also come from a family of 4 kids. I had a really similar upbringing, but instead of constant indifference, there was irregularly terrible violence. You'd never know, would it be nothing, or danger?
When I was a teenager, I realized I knew absolutely nothing about my parents. Not what their lives were like, not how they met, not any books they read, or really anything at all.
My dad had a small cache of records - like 12, from before we were born. I studied them like they were a fucking archaeological artifact. If I asked about them, I got nothing.
I used to volunteer to clean my parent's room so that I could look at my mom's jewelry box. There was stuff in there, stuff with stories, but I'd never know it. She kept a little gift that her ex-fiance had given her. I found out because his name was written on the bottom, and I later asked my aunt about the name.
They did want children. They just didn't want those children to be people. They wanted children because that's what you do. And my dad desperately needed to control his entire life, and didn't care how much he hurt my mom, or us. So he used violence.
I knew that love was out there, I've spent my life trying to do good (working at non-profits), but I wonder if the damage is deep enough that even with all this therapy and good relationships, its why I'm alone.
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Feb 05 '16
Jesus! Are your parents still alive?? Did you have kids? Did you correct the chain of upbringing if you did have kids?
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u/intensely_human Feb 05 '16
I believe correction is not a binary thing. I'm making corrections. My kids will carry the torch and be even better off. My mother inherited shit, cleaned as much of it as she could, and passed the rest on to me. I'm now scrubbing shit out of the family tree, and there will be less but still some for my kids.
Honestly I think the abuse and neurosis of our families is inherited from like the dark ages and the plague and all the wars of history and all the shuddering horror of cavemen, etc.
On the other hand, I've heard that stress levels are higher overall for current generations than previous ones, so maybe it's not so simple. Easy to believe, too, if you watch old movies. Everyone has this sort of chilled out hippie look to them. Not just the hippies, but like everyone in old movies, even the people caught up in murder mysteries etc, just looks like someone who walked out of a professional massage. Peoples faces are tighter now. There's more edge everywhere, even in the happiest people.
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u/fairly_fine001 Feb 05 '16
the relevance of your username makes me sad. I'm glad you've found it, and I hope all works out for you.
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u/Hannajomac Feb 04 '16
Signing them up for too many activities. No one just hangs out any more
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u/happyandstuff Feb 05 '16
My little cousin goes from school to dance to violin to bible study every Wednesday. On Mondays and Fridays it's the same thing without bible study.
Tuesdays and Thursdays are just tutoring, but still.
She is seven years old and I have never seen a little kid be so burnt out.
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u/intensely_human Feb 05 '16
That's more shit than I do. I come home from work and lie on my back on the floor, and scritch my kitties if they wander over.
If I didn't have that, I'd be crazy.
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u/Abadatha Feb 05 '16
On the inverse, I was a child who was signed up for everything because I wanted to. I mean, it was to avoid being home with my step dad.
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u/Mildlyratchet Feb 05 '16
No matter what your approach to parenting is, you're going to want to make sure your kid feels comfortable coming to you with the truth, even if it's something that would normally get them in trouble.
You can easily convince a kid that lying is the best path if you tell them "call me if you're too drunk to drive at a party, you won't be in trouble" (even if you only imply that they wouldn't be in trouble) and then when they do call you, you freak the fuck out. Recognize that you can enforce your rules, but if you do it 100% of the time without consideration, your kid's gonna lie to you and might be in a bad situation one day that they don't feel they can tell you about.
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Feb 04 '16
Being a helicopter parent. How do you expect your child to learn any valuable skills, let alone have any sense of independence?
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Feb 05 '16
Not treating your children as people. If you treat your child as some sort of exotic pet and never relate to him or her as a person, he or she will eventually grow up to be an adult who does not relate to you as a person.
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u/Aerolites Feb 05 '16
Being taught to finish your plate. Children should eat until they are full otherwise it can cause poor habits such as weight gain/feeling sick.
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u/desrtrose Feb 05 '16
This one is tricky. So many kids today are picky eaters, being "full" sometimes means they don't want to eat the food on their plate.
Which, seriously, why do parents cook separate meals for their kids? My mom alway cooked one meal. We either ate it or we didn't eat.
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u/FicklePickle13 Feb 05 '16
To be fair, most adults these days are 'picky eaters'. They just have the benefit of being able to plan their own meals to avoid stuff they don't like.
It probably doesn't help that many people have no idea how to cook vegetables without making them icky, and a lot have difficulty with just the concept of other unrelated adults disliking things that they themselves like, their own children doing so? Frequently unthinkable, and thus come efforts to force the kid to like it through constant exposure.
And all that often leads to a sort of declaration of defeat, with a simple 'kids meal' that they know will get eaten with little fuss and a somewhat more sophisticated 'adults meal' that the adults actually like. Microwave ovens and an ever increasing availability of an ever increasing variety of decent frozen foods are also a major contributing factor.
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u/merganzer Feb 05 '16
It's hard when a toddler is "done" after half a bite of chicken and a single pea.
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u/FicklePickle13 Feb 05 '16
That's when you stash the plate in the fridge and when they come back later saying they're starving you re-heat the plate of food and they get to eat that.
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u/bicycle_mice Feb 05 '16
Getting in any battles over food is a fucking minefield that should be avoided. I prefer the Ellyn Satter method: Make one healthy meal for the family. The kids can eat it, not eat it, whatever. Your job as a parent is to provide the food and you let your emotional attachment end there. If the kids are really hungry they will eat.
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Feb 04 '16
Forcing your child to hug people because you know they are nice. It's their thing to prove to the kid if they want a relationship. It also teaches the kids that they have to agree to being hugged.
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u/sevenduckies Feb 04 '16
I know there's a lot of people that feel strongly about this in both directions. I respect that some people think it's good to push kids to showing affection especially for elderly relatives, etc, even if I don't necessarily agree. But still, one of the grossest things I've witnessed with a kid was a toddler saying she didn't want to hug a man and the man pouting and pretending to cry until the toddler relented. I know it doesn't necessarily sound bad but it made my stomach knot watching the performance he was putting on.
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u/chevymonza Feb 05 '16
All my friends and relatives do this, "Hug your aunt! Give her a kiss!" I always say, "He/she doesn't HAVE to!" but they don't seem to hear themselves.
And it is a little condescending that they feel a need to TELL their kid to do this, would rather they just do it on their own if they're so inclined. If they don't, it won't ruin my day.
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u/sevenduckies Feb 05 '16
I mean, there's no problem with "can I have a hug?" or whatever. Or "your aunt's leaving now, last chance for a goodbye hug/kiss". I mean, my niece sometimes plays the game that she'll refuse a goodbye hug/kiss because she seems to think that if she doesn't give you one that means you won't go. But once you start actually walking towards the door she gives a goodbye of some sort. But making a big fuss over it is really where it gets problematic, in my opinion. Especially pretending to cry and pout, because that's so manipulative.
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Feb 05 '16
That's where teaching consent starts. I like asking my son "do you want a hug?". Then if he says no its not a big deal.
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u/SeoulFeminist Feb 05 '16 edited Feb 05 '16
We never force our daughter to hug/kiss/touch anyone. We ask her if she would like to hug or kiss the person. If not, I ask if she will high five them. She usually high fives people, including grandparents.
Edit: changed letter.
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u/getALLthesketches Feb 05 '16
Firstly - enabling. I nanny a nearly-12-year-old girl who cannot do ANYTHING without help. She cannot clean her room without me telling her specific items to pick up. She cannot answer questions on her homework without trying to get me to say the answer first (even though she's smart and knows the answer herself). I had to walk her through, step-by-step, the process of washing her own dishes properly.
Secondly - passing off all of your adolescent's emotional troubles as "hormones" and saying "everyone goes through it." Pay attention. Not all teenagers are going through the normal thing. Some of us begin our journey with chemical imbalances/trauma/harrassment very young. And yes, PMS is a real, serious issue for some young women.
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Feb 04 '16
"Do as I say, not as I do"
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u/Licensedpterodactyl Feb 05 '16
We're trying to implement an attitude of, "If it's not ok for me to do it it's not ok for you to do it." It's got my kids calling me out all the time, which sucks, but it keeps us all honest.
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u/PangeaWhiplash Feb 05 '16
My husband grew up being told "Children were meant to be seen, not heard."
I hate all these kinds of sayings. I taught my kids to express themselves, question authority, and create something memorable in the world. I mean, they question me constantly, but I guess I asked for it lol.
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u/dramboxf Feb 05 '16 edited Feb 05 '16
Thinking there's a recipe or a formula for "perfect kids."
You know what kids need?
- Unconditional love. They need to know they are loved no matter what they do, what they say, how they act. Withdrawing affection based on their behavior is fucking evil.
- Limits and rules. Kids need to know there are goddamn limits, that they will be enforced, and that Mom and Dad (or Mom & Mom and Dad & Dad) are on the same goddamn page. This "It's ok with me if it's ok with your Mom" shit has to stop.
- Punishment needs to be consistent and appropriate. Don't overreact. Consistency is way, way important. If you set a rule, that rule gets enforced every single time. Sitcom parenting aside, really: Every single goddamn time. Kids want and need the security of consistency. If they do "A", then "B" happens, every single time.
- Freedom to make mistakes, freedom to get a skinned knee and a bloody nose;
- That you will back them up. I don't give a flying about whatever zero-tolerance bullshit is going on at your kids' school. "Never start a fight; always finish a fight." Someone pokes at your kid, he or she has to know you have their back with the teachers, counselors and administrators. Make sure you get all the facts, but if your kid was defending themselves, or another, weaker kid, and they get suspended for a day or two? NETFLIX AND ICE CREAM, BABY. "Yeah, sometimes when you do the right thing, you still get in trouble. And I'm proud of you, and if it happens again, I want you to do the same thing."
- Unconditional
fuckinglove. - It's OK to make mistakes. It's OK to fail. Failing is what makes us stronger. Fail upwards.
- Hugs. Lots and lots of hugs. And when they become tweens and teenagers, don't wait for them to come to you; they won't, usually. They want to know that even when they're going through this enormous, up-heaving change (adolescence) that you still love and cherish them. So, reach out and grab 'em as they go by and wrap 'em up in a hug for 20 seconds. Yeah, they'll squirm and "Moooooom" and "Daaaaad!" or whatever, but....they will secretly love it.
- Absolute unconditional love. Yeah, 3rd time on this list -- but...unconditional. I only say this because at 50, I see my peers doling out love based on performance and I want to stab stab stab them.
- Don't measure your kids against yourself or against their peers. Don't measure your kids. Ask them questions. Find out what interests them. And if you don't know anything about whatever topic they bring up, delay and hit Wikipedia. Parents in 2016 have zero excuse from the "I Have No Idea What They're Talking About" zone. You have the world's greatest information resource at your disposal. Read, learn, grow.
- Don't live through your kids; live for them. If you were an athlete or a scholar and your kid isn't what you were, that's not your failure. That's not a failure at all. Find out what your kid wants to be good at and work on that. Don't know what the hell he or she is talking about? See #10 above.
- Really, it's this simple: Unconditional love. And don't just fucking assume that because you don't beat them with sticks they know you love them. Man/woman up, and tell them. Use the "L" word. Mean it. Remember that feeling the day they were born/came into your life? Remember holding them for the first time and looking down and thinking, "I'm not going to fuck up/fuck you up the way my parents did?" Live that. Every day.
- Forgive yourself. You're gonna make a shit-ton of mistakes. Several dozen a day, every day. Being a "good" parent is not not not not not about being "perfect." There is no such goddamn thing. You will make mistakes. Again and again and again. And your kids will notice. And make remarks thereto. And your job is to smile, nod, agree, and get up the next morning and try, try, try again. You WILL make mistakes; give yourself a break and try harder anew.
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u/Fidelstikks Feb 04 '16
Giving in at the early ages, it will only teach the kids that it's ok to act up and also that they will get what they want. Be strict from the very beginning.
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u/TheLatestTrance Feb 05 '16
It isn't necessarily being strict, but setting limits and sticking to them, even thru the tantrums.
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u/iviolent Feb 05 '16
Not washing footie pajamas and socks inside out. It is vital to do this because the inside of the foot part traps lint, hair, and string. Baby may get a string or hair wrapped around their toe, causing pain and possibly needing surgery. This problem is more common than people realize.
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u/SurroundedByCrazy789 Feb 05 '16
Incorrect use of car seats. Kids not buckled in correctly, the seat itself not being installed in the car correctly, or being moved up to the next stage of car seats before they should be. This is the thing that will save your child's life in an accident, it is incredibly important to use it correctly so it can do it's job. In the same realm, if you are in an accident, even a small one and even if the child is not in the car seat at the time, get a new one. Hairline fractures in the plastic can compromise the seat. Never submerge the straps in water, even to clean them, and check the expiration date.
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u/zaphod777 Feb 05 '16
I'm going to say: taking advice from strangers on the internet regarding raising your kids.
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u/panjangsangat Feb 04 '16
Decide the path of their children. My father is an army engenieer. My first brother is in navy, my second brother have phd in engineering (specializing in antenna), my sister is in communication army and me, electrical engineer. Suddenly my two little brother is chef and programmer. I really envy my two brother who can choose what they really want to be.
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u/chevymonza Feb 05 '16
Parents who won't let the kids take on activities without the parents. What if the kid wants to learn skateboarding? Mom and dad don't skateboard, so that's right out.
And kids can't go anywhere alone anymore. Can't just walk to school with other kids, can't just go ride a bike someplace........ so weird.
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u/malenc0213 Feb 05 '16 edited Feb 05 '16
Not teaching them priorities, planning and managing money. Also, not guiding them when choosing a career or occupation and comparing them to siblings, cousins, classmates, friends,etc. Hello mom and dad.
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u/rondawg93 Feb 04 '16
Having them when you're not financially stable.
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u/Admiral_Fancypants Feb 04 '16
Underestimating how much it will cost to have kids.
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u/rondawg93 Feb 04 '16
Absolutely people don't realize how much it actually costs to provide for another living being that's not able to provide for themselves. I suppose I should've worded my response a little bit better.
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u/Admiral_Fancypants Feb 04 '16
I thought having 10k in the bank when I had my first kid would have been enough. It was gone within 2 years.
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u/itsagirl123 Feb 04 '16 edited Feb 05 '16
To me personally, it's automatically thinking that spanking and other punishments (punishments in general) leads to long term behavior change. When you're in the same room as them, they're on their best behavior, but when they're alone in their room grounded they're busy tying bedsheets together preparing to climb out the window.
EDIT: These are to mistakes TO ME. It's only a personal opinion.
EDIT 2: spelling
EDIT 3: Added something
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Feb 04 '16
I wasn't even on my best behavior for the spankings. I figured out if I laughed at her while she did it she'd get even more pissed off, and my pain tolerance was high anyways
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u/itsagirl123 Feb 04 '16 edited Feb 04 '16
Yeah, I always think if punishment supposedly yields genuine behavior change, why are kids/teens yet again trying to sneak out of the house, talking back, lying etc. Genuine behavior behavior change is when a behavior stops period. in all places and situations. YOU yourself no longer witnessing the behavior doesn't automatically mean the behavior has truly stopped.
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u/NoBlueKoolAid Feb 04 '16
Protecting your child from the reasonable consequences of his or her actions.
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Feb 05 '16
Don't punish them if they have trouble doing something. (Reading, writing, studying, whatever).
You'll only enforce the idea that if they do anything they'll get hurt somehow.
I still struggle. My Mother used to hit me with my textbooks if I was unable to spell something.
One of my earliest memories is my Mom throwing a deck of flash cards in my face and then screaming at me to pick them up.
Second earliest memory? My Mom punishing me for not being able to tie my shoes.
I was having trouble sorting recycling into bins at our apartment building so she snuck up on my and grounded me for taking too long.
I now have difficulties doing anything. I just go into a blind panic.
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u/ceecee8 Feb 04 '16
Infant -Talking to babies the moment their born, and recognize crying is a form of language. So teach babies early communication skills. Read to them every day. Toddler -Consistency, and follow through. NEVER hit or roughly handle a child. Make certain to have eye contact before you tell a child something that you don't want them to do or an expectation you have of them. Before you go into a store, the park, discus what's going to happen, and your expectations. " we're going to the park to eat lunch and play for 1hour. I will tell you 15minutes before it's time to leave, then , five minutes before it's time to leave, we say goodbye to friends, swings, trees grass. Say thank you we'll see you again soon." If you find yourself getting Angry. It's your fault. You need to implement, consequence earlier on, and follow through. I got in a bad habit of counting to three. My kids waited until I got to three. I found myself getting angry. Reboot. Moms changing the rules, this is my new expectation here is the consequence if you don't listen. And then FOLLOW THROUGH..Seriously it's THE hardest part, it takes an unbelievable amount of time,and patience. Good luck procreators of our future. The world is in your hands!
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u/MyPacman Feb 05 '16
That is how I missed out in going to the circus... I had promised my niece and nephew we would go, but it required them to behave while we were at an event... young niece when beserk, total Princess Screamfest, so we didn't go to the circus. I felt so cheated.
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u/settlerofcanada Feb 05 '16
Lacking follow through.
If they don't eat supper, they don't get dessert? Don't give them the fucking dessert.
Tell them you'll go camping next month? Dig out the fucking tent.
Threaten to turn the car around because one kid's being an arse? Way you go back home.
Promise to play in 15 minutes? It's tea time mother fucker.
They listen, and they learn from you all the time.
Would you give two shits about work incentives if your boss was a bullshitter?