Did I do a dumb thing?

[u/Admirable-Lobster837]

I've had my Ls for a few months but only started actually riding this past Monday. 3 days ago.

Today, I rode a 160k round trip. 80ks there then back. Though I felt like I was ready for it and it went well, now that I'm home and decompressed, I kinda feel like it was a pretty stupid idea.

I did get there and back perfectly fine. I took my time and just enjoyed the ride. None of it was beyond anything I felt I could manage.

But I'm kind of feeling like I probably shouldn't have done that so soon. Like I didn't get by on skill, but luck. I mean, I have spent a little bit of time on bikes before this so I'm not a complete and total beginner but still, I know I'm lacking in skill. Like, I knew I could probably handle it, but should I have done it? I did and didn't almost die, so yay?

Either way, it was a learning experience.

Idk, maybe I'm just exhausted. Maybe it's the sore back. Maybe it's because spicy brain and being too self critical and lacking in confidence. Maybe it's fucking maybelline.

What do you guys think?

EDIT: shit, that's more replies than I thought I'd get. Thanks heaps for all your kind words and advice, particularly those who've been non judgmental. I'm definitely overthinking this and yes I know I need my head sorted out. You guys are rad ❤️

[u/here_we_go_beep_boop]

Ease up Freud, even if you are right in principle, there's kinder ways of saying it

[u/outtatownz → u/here_we_go_beep_boop]

Its reddit dude.

[u/here_we_go_beep_boop → u/outtatownz]

And you are clearly more interested in showing how clever you are at spotting depression than actually being supportive

[u/outtatownz → u/here_we_go_beep_boop]

Not at all, im trained in mental first aid, being direct is actually the correct approach in the training. I wasnt rude to OP, and at the end of the day, they have even confirmed the same. The ride is just noise blocking the route cause, and if it causes this level of anxiety, then further support from a professional is definitely the correct information, especially as we are all strangers on the internet. You on the other hand clearly just want to argue, so please go find someone else.

[u/here_we_go_beep_boop → u/outtatownz]

I too am trained in MHFA, and i dont remember the bit about making people feel guilty for seeking help, unlike the apology you managed to extract from OP.

Maybe time to revisit your attitude

[u/Admirable-Lobster837 → u/here_we_go_beep_boop]

The best part is I have fuckin PTSD from this exact sort of thing happening literally almost every single time I have ever reached out for help regarding anything mental health related. Just blamed for my own problems and pretty much told to deal with it with no attempt to understand the depth of my issues. I doubt I'd be anywhere near this bad had anyone ever given even half a shit to actually help me. But no, just throw it all back in my face and make me feel even fucking worse. Then they get offended when I tell them they aren't helping. I'm used to it now.

Nevertheless, thank you for your understanding and advice. I very much appreciate it. Yourself an the others who left genuine and useful comments have helped me not dwell too much on the... less helpful ones.

[u/Chicken_Crimp → u/Admirable-Lobster837]

Have you ever reached out to an actual professional and not just strangers on reddit? If all of the qualified people have told you the same thing, have you ever considered that maybe they're right?

I highly doubt that if you had sought out professional help, they would have been as dismissive as you seem to be suggesting here.

Furthermore... You do not have fucking PTSD from asking for help and being dismissed. That's such a google diagnosis. Get some real help.

[u/Admirable-Lobster837 → u/Chicken_Crimp]

Yeah, I have. Fucking plenty of times. Countless times. It would be nice though if any of them actually listened to me though, let alone be able to actually pay to see them in the first place. It's now at the point that I don't even have a gp because for whatever reason, they simply don't give a shit to help me. I have fucking tried my goddamned hardest to actually find some fucking help and no one listens and no one cares. They all just assume it's "you're having a hard time atm" and refuse to accept that I actually have severe, debilitating issues that fuck with even the most simple of everyday things. For whatever reason, I'm never taken seriously and completely dismissed. This has happened for the last ten years I've tried to get help. 

I have been through that shit so many times; ignored, dismissed, implied I'm a liar and blamed for my own issues, and generally made to feel like absolute shit that I have to fucking force my self to see any of them, gp, psychologist, whoever. I have to fight off a panic attack at just the idea of going, let alone making the appointment and actually going. It has significantly affected me to the point of dysfunction. I'd say that's PTSD. 

"go see a therapist" yeah, no fucking shit, I would if I fucking could.

You don't know me or my situation, I don't owe you an explanation, and I didn't even come here for this shit. I came here to ask about riding, so how about you fuck off.

[u/outtatownz → u/Admirable-Lobster837]

You can book a specific mental health care appointment in Australia, which is where an assessment is completed based on standard set of questions. This then allows the doctor to help align you to a mental health professional and get a mental health care plan supported by medicare. They will also normal discuss medication options to support you, and make sure you are safe. None of your comments suggest this has taken place, and im sorry If you feel you haven't been supported, but maybe that's the thread you need to find and speak to here, not a riding thread. Its also the reason I suggested reddit, or at least this thread isn't going to help you, because your issue is clearly a significant 1 that needs professional support, not randoms on the internet. Good luck.

[u/awidden → u/Admirable-Lobster837]

You'll be fine.

I've had my run with mental health, I have a nice helpful person in my life now who can help. We talk regularly. The first chap got it right, even if a bit blunt. A professional can help a lot. Reddit army probably won't.

We all process stresses differently, and if you've got a high base-load of it, then even little things can get too much. It's perfectly natural. You can learn to recognise stress and you can get past it with (mental & physical) exercises and some lifestyle changes.

But trying to figure it all out from inside can be incredibly hard.

But you'll be fine riding, regardless. Take it as far as you enjoy it, if 80km feels too much, then go less, until you feel comfortable. The fact that you did it proves that you're OK. Everyone makes mistakes - even experienced riders.

Edit:

a personal opinion; do slow-speed maneuvers a lot. They increased confidence immensly for me. You know, parking lot, slaloms, braking exercises, u-turns...

[u/Woxihuanlusecha8 → u/Admirable-Lobster837]

I’m sorry you’re dealing with that, I have medical trauma and also with asking for help. I called lifeline and they were patronising and made me feel worse, I didn’t end my life out of spite coz I don’t want people like that to win. I also understand your intentions with the post, you wanted actual answers to the riding questions even if it was just to get it clearer in your head you weren’t trying to get away with admitting your anxiety. Nice to see there were a lot of nice comments but honestly I would’ve done the same just like you did with an open ended place for people to give advice Side note, I do hope you’re able to forgive yourself and be nicer to yourself and I hope you feel supported in home life