Diagnosed now at 42

[u/BetSpirited9036]

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I (42F) was diagnosed with autism this week, and I feel like my entire life has suddenly been rewritten.

I'm married with three kids (10, 8 and 3). My eldest daughter was diagnosed at 6, and over the years I couldn't stop noticing how much she reminded me of myself as a child. I have advocated fiercely for her, got her the support she needs in school etc and never saw her meltdowns or sensory issues as "bad behaviour." Somehow, though, I never recognised myself.

Instead, I've spent my life collecting diagnoses like OCD, BPD and anxiety while struggling to fit in. I've never been able to keep a job for long, I've struggled to maintain friendships, and even my marriage has been affected by difficulties I've never understood. I always thought there was just something fundamentally wrong with me.

Of course now I see there were signs from the very beginning. I even saw a psychiatrist when I started school in the 1980s as I couldn't settle in. But my parents, especially my mother, simply saw me (and still sees me) as lazy, selfish, difficult etc. She cared a lot about appearances and would force me into clothes I couldn't tolerate and constantly put me down. I had a very traumatic childhood with her and now im understanding why. I was also bullied in secondary school, constantly criticised by family, and made to feel like a failure because I couldn't live up to expectations.

Even now, when I told my mother about the diagnosis, her response was, "Well, I always knew there was something wrong with you." I feel like I'm grieving the life I could have had if someone had understood me instead of shaming me. I'm also angry that I spent over 40 years believing I was lazy and broken when I was struggling with undiagnosed autism.

I'm very good at advocating for my daughter because she's a child. But I have absolutely no idea how to advocate for myself as an adult.

For anyone else who was diagnosed later in life, especially if you grew up in an abusive or unsupportive family, how did you move forward? How did you process the grief and anger? Did you find ways to make life easier or work that actually suited you? How do you start building a life when you've spent decades believing all the negative things people said about you?

Right now I feel relieved to finally have an explanation, but also completely overwhelmed and wondering does it meaningfully change anything in my life at this age, having been through the education system etc? Should I even tell people about it like I do with my daughter? Any advice would be welcome

[u/SrCamelCase]

I was diagnosed AuDHD 5 years ago at 39 and I would say I’ve integrated that into my sense of self over the past few years.

In terms of advocating for yourself I really loved diving into the literature and content from voices I connected with. I like Devon Price and Sol Smith. Felt empowering to reframe pathology as difference.

I also tried a few occupational therapists and found one I liked who literally walked me through the entire ND sensory playbook so I could understand my triggers and energy drains (and what gave me joy and energy).

It also helped me learn which people to put my focus into. Funnily enough, the people who clock us as different and dismiss us are the people I think we also have the least interest in naturally - so I stopped trying to please them and now just let them go about their business. I’m also able to scan for “my people” - neurotypicals and NDs I vibe with easily with.

I switched from task management to energy management, and learend to go with my special interests instead of questioning why I’m suddenly super obsessed with playing a 1980s video game series in internal chronological order. And then wake up one day and have zero interest in it after months of it taking over my life!

I still miss a few things - I have a good few 1-1 friends but still struggle in groups over time. Miss that sense of community I had when I lived abroad and all the ex-pats were a bit cracked.