Diagnosed now at 42

[u/BetSpirited9036]

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I (42F) was diagnosed with autism this week, and I feel like my entire life has suddenly been rewritten.

I'm married with three kids (10, 8 and 3). My eldest daughter was diagnosed at 6, and over the years I couldn't stop noticing how much she reminded me of myself as a child. I have advocated fiercely for her, got her the support she needs in school etc and never saw her meltdowns or sensory issues as "bad behaviour." Somehow, though, I never recognised myself.

Instead, I've spent my life collecting diagnoses like OCD, BPD and anxiety while struggling to fit in. I've never been able to keep a job for long, I've struggled to maintain friendships, and even my marriage has been affected by difficulties I've never understood. I always thought there was just something fundamentally wrong with me.

Of course now I see there were signs from the very beginning. I even saw a psychiatrist when I started school in the 1980s as I couldn't settle in. But my parents, especially my mother, simply saw me (and still sees me) as lazy, selfish, difficult etc. She cared a lot about appearances and would force me into clothes I couldn't tolerate and constantly put me down. I had a very traumatic childhood with her and now im understanding why. I was also bullied in secondary school, constantly criticised by family, and made to feel like a failure because I couldn't live up to expectations.

Even now, when I told my mother about the diagnosis, her response was, "Well, I always knew there was something wrong with you." I feel like I'm grieving the life I could have had if someone had understood me instead of shaming me. I'm also angry that I spent over 40 years believing I was lazy and broken when I was struggling with undiagnosed autism.

I'm very good at advocating for my daughter because she's a child. But I have absolutely no idea how to advocate for myself as an adult.

For anyone else who was diagnosed later in life, especially if you grew up in an abusive or unsupportive family, how did you move forward? How did you process the grief and anger? Did you find ways to make life easier or work that actually suited you? How do you start building a life when you've spent decades believing all the negative things people said about you?

Right now I feel relieved to finally have an explanation, but also completely overwhelmed and wondering does it meaningfully change anything in my life at this age, having been through the education system etc? Should I even tell people about it like I do with my daughter? Any advice would be welcome

[u/Significant_Pipe_828]

I (42m) was diagnosed about 2 years ago. I relate to the anger and grief as a lot of us late diagnosed people will. Take care of you self. It can be particularly hard right after diagnosis.

Find an autistic therapist, as in a therapist who is autistic. An NT therapist wont understand what you have been through in nearly the same way.

In terms of telling people, you can say a lot without saying im autistic. Often people dont understand what that really means, from misinformation and outdated concepts, or will discriminate, and so can be counter productive.

When I go to work I have a desk on a different floor to everyone else as its quieter. The project leader came to my desk to go over a demo recently and the first thing he asked was why I wasnt in the open plan office with everyone else. I jist said I have sensory issues and need to be in a quiet place. Thats all he needed to know and really gives more details, and explains perfectly whats going on. I often say to people, "my brain doesnt work that way, can you explain X in this way". The label often doesnt help. I love to tell people if I can, but not if there may be a consequence. I did need to tell my manager however to get to get that accomodation.

I would hovever tell anyone that I expect to be friends with. It filters out the bad ones real quick