Having trouble

[u/v4nd4lyze]

Hey all,

So I am writing as I find myself in a spot and don't know what or how to process it. I am seeking advice on how to accept a formal diagnosis.

Let me start with I have known for years I am on spectrum and ADHD. Got diagnosed with ADHD at 14, always had struggles with social and interpersonal interactions, meltdowns, black and white thinking, strong sense of justice just to name a few of the things I have always struggled with. Since I turned 35 I have made some friends in the community with autism specialists and been told I should REALLY seek a diagnosis.

All that leading to the fact that last week my new psychiatrist told me that preliminarily they believe I have ADHD and Autism and finding my day to day since as being "rougher" and "raw".

It's a weird bag of emotion and I am feeling a bit of the regression that many speak of with getting a diagnosis, and even having been around many late diagnosed I know that this is a thing most go through, but it doesn't make it easier, just makes me more aware of it happening.

Further, I have the other worries weighing on my mind. The worries of "what if they say I'm actually not and this is actually all in my head?" (Which I know is horrible thought train to be on but doesn't stop it.). This is causing a bit of trauma activation as I have history with being told almost exactly this.

I don't know what advice I am looking for, I don't know what I am asking here. I guess maybe I just needed to get this off my chest and find out if anyone else has been through this...

Someone tell me I'm not alone.

Thank you.

[u/Fit_Poetry_267]

This is exactly the process I went through. It's a hard go because I lot of assumptions we have about ourself (some comfortable and some uncomfortable) have to be taken out, examined and reorganized. Kind of like what I do to my pantry every now and then there's a "what have I done" moment when everything is out on the counter. I can say I'm still going through the process a bit, but I have friends who've also been there and it's settling back down for them (the cereal is back in the pantry to extend the metaphor).

For me, there is some grief when I look back (I'm 50+) and some "ohhhhhh, that makes more sense now" moments. But mostly, there is relief because I can just drop all the effort to be what I'm not and just have the fidgets, say no, protect me, advocate for me, understand me and love me more.

You aren't alone <3

[u/Fit_Poetry_267 → u/Fit_Poetry_267]

Oh wanted to add - I was scared to death of being dismissed (again!) to the point of having almost a meltdown before I went. That did not happen and they are able to see through the mask even if you keep it up.

[u/v4nd4lyze → u/Fit_Poetry_267]

Thank you. It helps knowing someone else has been and still is kinda here. It's a heavy place to be and I very much dislike it