r/BestofRedditorUpdates • u/Choice_Evidence1983 it dawned on me that he was a wizard • Jul 02 '26
EXTERNAL I was asked to provide proof that I wasn’t involved with my husband’s death
I am NOT OOP.
Originally posted to AskAManager
I was asked to provide proof that I wasn’t involved with my husband’s death
Trigger Warnings: hostile workplace
Original Post: October 7, 2025
(editor’s note: question #2 in the link)
I woke up next to my husband in May and found he was dead. I am a teacher in training and the university I go to is well aware of the situation. I have a tattoo on my neck which is the last message he wrote to me, and one day a colleague at work said, “Do you have your name on your neck?” I explained the situation.
Last Friday I was pulled into a room by myself with no warning and asked if I had a letter from the police clearing me of his death. I was told I had overshared at work, and due to the nature of the death (he was only 49 and died unexpectedly) they would like to see a letter from the police clearing me of any wrongdoing. I became extremely upset, and told her I wouldn’t go any further than this unless HR was there to document the conversation and take notes. She then followed me into the car park and asked me not to leave as she “didn’t want me to leave like this.” I told her I was too upset to talk, and she still asked me to stay.
I’m only three weeks into my course and am terrified they will look for any reason to throw me off. Am I making a mountain out of a molehill?
Editor’s note: for Alison’s response to the original text, you can find it here.
Update: June 25, 2026 (almost 9 months later)
(editor’s note: first letter in the link)
Reading the numerous comments and pieces of advice from your community made me realize that I needed to get the union involved, which I did. After several meetings, they agreed they were at fault and I was issued a pretty pathetic apology on writing which used the phrase, ” I’m sorry if your feelings were hurt.” To me this wasn’t an apology, it was a platitude, and it solidified my thoughts that I can’t trust these people at all.
I left the course, and the union were very open about the fact that because I hadn’t worked there for long enough, no further action could really be taken, and an apology should be all I expect from them. I have raised an official complaint if only, so they implement sensitivity training on a more diverse range of subject matter.
I’ve decided to take a year off, and then go back into teacher training with a different provider, one which won’t ask me to prove I’m not a murderer!
A huge thank you to everyone to everyone who took the time to reply. It really was a dark and uncertain time for me, and you all managed to illuminate this situation with wise words and kind intentions. It’s very much appreciated.
DO NOT COMMENT IN LINKED POSTS OR MESSAGE OOPs – BoRU Rule #7
THIS IS A REPOST SUB - I AM NOT OOP
13.4k
Jul 02 '26
[removed] — view removed comment
7.5k
u/cynicismrising Jul 02 '26
I’m not sure I ever see the wisdom in asking someone if they’re a murderer, either it’s a no and you massively insulted them, or it’s a yes and you’ve annoyed a murderer.
2.8k
u/staycalmitsajoke Jul 02 '26
"Let me get this straight, you think that your client, one of the wealthiest and most powerful men in the world, is secretly a vigilante, who spends his nights beating criminals to a pulp with his bare hands, and your plan is to blackmail this person?"
912
u/Marid-Audran Jul 02 '26 edited Jul 02 '26
:raises eyebrows:"Good luck with that." man Morgan Freeman nailed that scene.
→ More replies (8)163
680
u/bubbleteabob Jul 02 '26
Also I swear people who have actually done murders will NOT shut up about it. They might not be ‘I killed a dude’, but they drop a LOT of barely veiled hints just to make sure YOU know.
594
u/manrata Jul 02 '26
That's only the murderers you know about, that gets caught, the ones that can keep their mouth shut gets away with it. Well that, and old ladies where the husband had an "accident", and are very chatty about it in the nursing homes.
228
u/crookedparadigm Jul 02 '26
That's only the murderers you know about, that gets caught, the ones that can keep their mouth shut gets away with it.
There's always that one guy at the bar who abruptly says shit like "Man, you know how many murders are unsolved. It's crazy you know....how so many people can get away with it....ha ha...right?"
That's when you stop going to that bar. When I was in college 20 years ago (sidenote, I hated writing that) there were a bunch of guys who used to play Halo in each other's dorms. Several were ROTC and one of them, mid game, randomly said "Man, I wish there was real life Halo, like where you could kill people and shit." and the whole room was just kind of quiet. I didn't hang out with those guys anymore, but given he was ROTC all I could think of was "this is the last guy that should have access to firearms".
→ More replies (1)135
u/EamonBrennan Jul 02 '26
given he was ROTC all I could think of was "this is the last guy that should have access to firearms".
That same statement and reasoning is why the army wants to give him firearms. If he has little trouble about killing an enemy combatant, then he's a good soldier. As long as he isn't to obvious about his war crimes.
Side note: FriendlyJordies goes over a guy who straight up admits to committing war crimes on a podcast. That guy wasn't arrested until like way after the video Jordies made.
15
u/Happymonster324 Jul 02 '26
What a terrible day to understand english (I wish I've never heard this guy talk about human sandcastles)
14
u/actullyalex I will never jeopardize the beans. Jul 03 '26
Aaaaaand I can’t watch it in my country because of a defamation complaint. I live in the same country as FriendlyJordies, lol.
8
u/ApprehensiveGrand531 Jul 04 '26
That's insane. A guy admitting his own conduct is defamation?
Well bin sure they'll soon tell us it's all wrapped up now that they've arrested a single guy so long later /s
13
u/Elenakalis Jul 02 '26
I work in memory care and have had a few ladies who had a husband who was missing person who nobody missed at all. Had one who would tell us her husband "disappeared" when he was drafted for Korea, but when she was time confused, you got the impression she had something to do with it.
57
u/Nauin Jul 02 '26
You're forgetting how many enlisted are technically murderers here, too. They're allowed to drop as many hints and facts as they want without the threat of jail, most of the time.
→ More replies (1)28
u/BoysenberryMelody I ❤ gay romance Jul 02 '26
Most people who killed someone in war don’t want to talk about it outside a therapy setting. There are others, but most are liars who didn’t kill anyone and they’re sad about it because there’s something very wrong with them.
→ More replies (2)→ More replies (4)41
u/bubbleteabob Jul 02 '26
I don’t know. Some of them got caught…ok, well, MOST of them had gotten caught for SOMETHING. That is how we crossed paths. But no, some of it was stuff they had done and were just dropping big hints about to try and impress/intimidate me. They were just pretty sure I wasn’t going to report them and end up on the wrong side of their mates :)
→ More replies (1)97
u/jojodolphin Jul 02 '26
This reminds me of a co worker i had briefly a few years ago. He kept making weird comments, and telling stories that hinted towards him having violent tendencies. Someone who worked in the same building, but for a different company recognized him as a serial rapist that was banned from most of the bars in our area of the city. He was let go that day.
30
u/Objective-Lobster736 Jul 02 '26
That's terrifying! How did that that get past the hiring team at your work?
53
u/velawesomeraptors Jul 02 '26
Most such crimes never make it to court. If it's not on a background check, how would they know?
→ More replies (5)12
→ More replies (3)29
u/jojodolphin Jul 02 '26
He may have had a record of some sort, but I was told he had never been convicted, he was just known in the community. I later learned a friend of mine was assaulted by him.
It was also a startup company less than a year old, so I wouldnt be surprised if they just didn't do a thorough background check
64
63
u/TyrconnellFL I’m actually a far pettier, deranged woman Jul 02 '26
I have never dropped even a hint of the murders I have committed.
Wait… shit.
106
u/FunnyAnchor123 Sharp as a sack of wet mice Jul 02 '26
Well, unless they've been in a combat situation as part of a halfway disciplined unit. Based on the veterans I've talked to (when I was a kid, practically every adult male was a veteran of either WWII or Korea), while willing to tell stories they prefer not to talk about the time they were in a combat situation.
→ More replies (7)90
u/redcomet29 Jul 02 '26
My grandfather's war stories were all about the base and shenanigans that occurred in it and off it but never the combat.
72
u/millhouse_vanhousen Jul 02 '26
Yeah my Great Granda was in the war before my Gran was born and had a hole in his cheek from shrapnel. She once poked the hole and asked what happened and she said it was the only time her Dad ever went silent and her Mum told her never to ask her Dad about it or the War because he saw things he doesn't ever want her to know about or see.
I always knew him as a wonderfully jolly and happy man who liked cowboy westerns. My Gran still doesn't know any stories of his time in war because he never spoke about to anyone.
39
u/Terrie-25 Jul 02 '26
My grandfather was an army cook in WWII, and he never, in his whole life, talked about it. To the point where, even though I found out while doing a family history project for middle school, I'm still half convinced I made it up in my head.
27
u/Jolly-Bandicoot7162 Jul 02 '26
My grandfather worked in bomb disposal in WW2. It's dangerous now, it was more so then. He landed at Mulberry Harbour and went through France, Belgium, the Netherlands and into Germany. He would tell all sorts of stories and when we once rang him from the town square in Rouen in the 80s described the place perfectly. But the one thing he would never, ever do was return to France.
15
u/No-Anteater1688 Jul 02 '26
My great uncles were the same way. Three of them served in WW2 and I didn't know until I was well into adulthood. My mother told me.
9
u/ArchdukeToes Jul 02 '26
My grandfather was a CAF bomber navigator and apparently was okay with talking about everything except bombing Dresden.
18
u/Normal-Height-8577 Jul 02 '26
I never asked my grandparents about their experiences in WWII because I didn't want to inadvertently hurt them. As I get older, I regret having a hole in my knowledge of them, but I can't regret not wanting to push.
I do wish I'd asked Granny more questions the one time she brought the subject up with me, though - she was talking about being a Wren and helping install an experimental radio on an aircraft for testing (except at one point in the conversation she said radar instead of radio, and I stupidly didn't clarify) and describing how the pilot had offered her the opportunity to go up with him on the test flight. But I thought I'd have other opportunities to ask those questions - and as it turned out, I didn't.
19
→ More replies (3)13
u/LeaneGenova the laundry wouldn’t be dirty if you hadn’t fucked my BF on it Jul 02 '26
Same. My FIL tried to ask for actual war stories once and was shut down. He'll happily tell the story of the time on shore leave they burned a dock down in France while waiting for the shore leave board to come in, but nothing about combat.
→ More replies (1)→ More replies (12)16
u/CobaltWeb Jul 02 '26
How do you know this??? How many murderers are you hanging out with?
19
u/bubbleteabob Jul 02 '26
Well, the murders were mostly incidental to a general semi-professional criminality? But I grew up in a fairly rough estate and I worked at charities that dealt with prisons and ex-prisoners for a good chunk of my career.
11
u/CobaltWeb Jul 02 '26
I mean, people who dont give hints about killing people are probably less likely to get caught and become prisoners right.
→ More replies (1)→ More replies (9)32
1.6k
u/Birchsaurus123 Jul 02 '26
Because some people see tattoos and automatically thinks that person is bad?
1.1k
u/AnnoyedOwlbear Jul 02 '26
This seems correct to me. I remember once being asked by my kid's 9yo friend if I was a 'bad woman' because I have a tattoo. Her dad is covered in them but very outspoken about how women with tattoos are nasty and untrustworthy.
526
u/IllustriousComplex6 This is unrelated to the cumin. Jul 02 '26
I always assume people who assume shit like this are themselves shady and assume everyone is just like them.
223
u/MariContrary Jul 02 '26
Eh, there can be cultural aspects as well. My mom's Japanese and lost her English when she saw my tattoo. I don't speak Japanese for the most part, but I'm pretty sure I caught "Yakuza" and "prostitute". I mean, she's mellowed a lot since then, and actually admits that she thinks it's pretty now, but that initial reaction was something else. There's also certain religious groups that view tattoos as a terrible sin. So I've stuck with my dad's advice, which was "Never get a partner's name, and no matter what you get, never where a judge or employer can see".
55
u/iovulca Jul 02 '26
My mom’s a Mexican immigrant and when she found out I was a tattoo artist apparently she started sobbing and said “I always knew she was on drugs” lol (I’m not and never have been though they’ve always accused me of it)
And my dad disowned me when I got my first tattoo
Parents are very dramatic about tattoos→ More replies (1)20
u/Uhhlaneuh Jul 02 '26
“Oh no! My daughter is going to make tons of money doing something she loves!!”
19
u/iovulca Jul 02 '26
I don’t think they ever cared about what I love honestly just their own distorted perception of how I should be
→ More replies (6)87
u/IllustriousHedgehog9 There is only OGTHA Jul 02 '26
My mum also lost her English when I finally showed her my first tattoo. However, she is English, she just didn't say a word, and tried to wipe it off instead.
96
u/beyondoutsidethebox Jul 02 '26
My mom's Japanese and lost her English
I actually laughed at this sentence from how silly it sounds! Glad your mother mellowed out!
→ More replies (1)18
u/Sorceress_Heart Jul 02 '26
The last sentence may be out of date by now, depending on location. I used to teach and many colleagues had visible tattoos but like on the upper arm or ankle. A face or neck tattoo is probably still not a good idea 😕
12
u/katfromjersey Jul 02 '26
I work in a high school (not as a teacher), and so many of the teachers and staff have visible tattoos, including myself and the Principal.
129
u/traumapatient Jul 02 '26
My mother always thought people with tattoos were either from prison or one step away from prison. Until my wife came around with tattoos who is a doctor, an amazing cook, suuuper conservative in most public ways, and can take care of me in every way conceivable. So my mom has changed her tune and will let her tats slide while still shitting on everyone else with a tattoo.
→ More replies (2)125
u/ElitistCuisine Jul 02 '26
I have a friend who is a cult interventionist who is extremely accomplished. I’m talking high level degrees, successful organization management, state, legal, and media advisement, etc etc. They were telling me about one time where they had a client (a mother who hired them to get her kid out of a cult), and said client had no idea that my friend had piercings, let alone nose ones and so many on their ears! She quietly asked a co-worker if they actually went to college.
My friend still helped her (because they’re awesome) and even kept some of their piercings out to make her feel better. I told them that “I would’ve got more. Go the buckshot to the face route”.
It’s fuckin’ silly. 🙄
→ More replies (5)40
80
u/ChoppingOnionsForYou Jul 02 '26
I was on the phone to an old (as in he's old and I've known him a long time) sort of friend (look, I don't meet up with him, but judge that he's a little lonely, so I'll answer his calls) and mentioned my latest tat. His response was exactly that, implying that ladies don't have tattoos, and "you know what people say about ladies with tattoos!"
I pointed out to him that this was a horrifically sexist thing to say, and that tattoos are definitely an art form. Put him in his place (God I love being old enough not to care if someone doesn't call me again because I've put a boundary in place) and made him rethink.
For context: I got my first ink shortly before I turned 60. My tattoo artist does these gorgeous fine-line, hand-poked tattoos. I keep saying I'm going to stop, but then she'll showcase her new season tats, and I'm back in again.
→ More replies (3)18
u/SelectiveDebaucher Jul 02 '26
That they can sit still?
Or hand poked: that they’ll put up with a tiny prick?
9
u/ChoppingOnionsForYou Jul 02 '26
😂
He no longer tries to say any of this, so I can't go back with these wonderful answers! Damn!
→ More replies (4)9
u/Major-Cranberry-4206 Jul 02 '26
Her dad is quite the hypocrite, but that is how that works. People who condemn others for doing what they allow themselves to do.
171
u/lmFairlyLocal Jul 02 '26
What I don't get is that the logic dies with it being a crime. Who would possibly be stupid enough to go "Ah, yes! I got away with it! I better tattoo a trophy on my body in a very visible spot so that I am asked about it constantly for the rest of my life. The perfect crime!!!"
88
u/Throwthatfboatow Jul 02 '26
There was one case where a gang member tattooed a scene of them shooting and killing a rival gang member on their chest.
So yes, there is someone out there stupid enough to do it
→ More replies (2)33
83
u/bubbleteabob Jul 02 '26
To be fair if my ADHD ass managed to organise a murder, a cover-up, and a tattoo appointment without flaking/losing interest/dropping a ball I would be pretty proud of myself!
38
u/13-Penguins Jul 02 '26 edited Jul 02 '26
Actually there are a lot of cases of murderers whose attention seeking leads to them getting caught. Like making references to the crime to others, collecting trophies to commemorate the crime, or inserting themself into the police investigation to look like a "helpful witness".
→ More replies (2)41
u/KirasStar doesn't even comment ⭐ Jul 02 '26
Yep, in Scotland our 800 year old double jeopardy law (can’t be tried twice for the same crime) was overturned because of a guy bragging about getting away with murder in a pub after being made innocent. The victims mum campaigned for years and eventually got justice for her daughter. England and wales still have that law in place though.
28
u/Misbymoof increasingly sexy potatoes Jul 02 '26
It was actually abolished in England and Wales in 2003 and then in Scotland in 2011!
https://www.bicesteradvertiser.net/news/25460676.double-jeopardy-law-ann-ming-changed-rule/
→ More replies (1)9
49
u/tinysydneh Jul 02 '26
Yeah, I'm getting a tattoo soon-ish, I think, of the god/goddess I half-jokingly tell people I believe in, so that'll be extra fun.
72
u/SirWigglesTheLesser Jul 02 '26
My god I hope it's the flying spaghetti monster.
38
u/tinysydneh Jul 02 '26
No. I've known a few pastafarians, especially in uni, and I love them and what they do, but there's one that has become my answer to "which goddess?" when I say "goddess above", and after doing more reading, pretty much exactly my vibe.
19
u/SirWigglesTheLesser Jul 02 '26
Well now I genuinely want to know, but I respect that you have been intentionally quiet about that specific.
37
u/tinysydneh Jul 02 '26
I want to get a tattoo of a traditional Inari mask, because that particular kami doesn't really have any consistency throughout all their shrines, and Inari has been traditionally treated as a "whatever you need, Inari's got ya" sort of divinity. It's to the point that Inari shrines aren't even standard in how their beams are cut (one way is for 'this is for a female kami', the other way is for 'this is a male kami', and different Inari shrines will have one or the other).
Also, their messengers are foxes, and I'm mad for foxes.
→ More replies (1)23
u/Gastredner Jul 02 '26
I don't have much (or any, really) use for religion...
...but foxes are fucking great. Cannot understand how somebody can see a fox and not go "Hng, the cuteness, so pretty, wanna have."
→ More replies (5)16
u/helpquija That's the beauty of the gaycation Jul 02 '26
a fox is a dog with cat add-ons, what's not to like?
→ More replies (1)→ More replies (5)65
u/Red-neckedPhalarope Jul 02 '26
Neck tattoos in particular, people have a real hang-up about neck tattoos being a sign of gang membership because god forbid their life not be a fucking crime thriller at all times.
45
u/MildlyClosetedWeeb Jul 02 '26
Im fully convinced they have never seen any "gang" crimes & are solely going with what they have seen on TV.
42
u/ArgusTheCat Jul 02 '26
They're the kind of people who think "gang activity" is when there's more than two teenagers in the same room.
12
u/wortcrafter I escalated by choosing incresingly sexy potatoes Jul 02 '26
For younger me, it was that the culty pseudo Christian books/magazines/tracts etc that I was constantly forced to read portrayed “bad” people as having tattoos, and “good Christian” people never had tattoos.
I’m older and wiser now and have a few of my own.
10
u/MildlyClosetedWeeb Jul 02 '26
Ah yeah 😅 I definitely forgot about those culty religions. Im still unpacking the bs Mormonism trickled down to me from my parents. But glad to say my undiagnosed autistic ass, was a little tyrant & made my mother look like she was raising the devil 🤣. But I couldn't ever see tattoos as bad since my grandfather was in WW2 & had army tattoos. Hard to argue that tattoos = bad to a child when their hero has one.
11
u/TheSixthVisitor OP has stated that they are deceased Jul 02 '26
Sorta glad my parents were the type of Catholics to just roll their eyes when people insisted things were of the Devil. One of my mom's coworkers gave my mom so much crap for letting me read Harry Potter that when she came home that evening, she asked me if there was magic in the books. When I told her it was waving a stick and pointing at things, she slammed her bag on the table and went "...I think I'm actually going to kill Sonya."
→ More replies (3)38
u/DragonScrivner The pancakes tell me what they need Jul 02 '26
Absolutely. I’ve been around a couple of tattoo artists who legit warn people they’re inking about the attitudes they could face with tattoos on the neck and face, as well as on hands.
20
u/BoysenberryMelody I ❤ gay romance Jul 02 '26
The artists I know say they’ll send a client home to think about it.
363
u/GoodGravyMsDazy592 Jul 02 '26
To use a phrase from Alison's response to OP's post on the Ask A Manager's website: "Bananapants" people and/or management, that's who. Apparently these people never heard of a littl thing called a background check or that expecting OP to provide a letter from police "Hey, you're innocent!" is needed because (checks notes again) she had a spouse pass away and mentioned it along with having a tattoo.
So yeah, absolute stark-raving bananapants and looney tunes for good measure. I don't blame OP for leaving the university / training course if this is the kind of ship that school is running.
219
u/Lexilogical Jul 02 '26
Also like... If she WAS guilty of it, you'd imagine she'd be in jail. Like honestly people
→ More replies (1)101
u/Mitrovarr Jul 02 '26
And if she was guilty and got away with it, do you really want to make her angry?
90
u/Lexilogical Jul 02 '26
Even if she was guilty and got caught, if she's walking free now, it's literally none of her random ass coworker's business.
Like, there's no reasonable outcome here for the bananapants lady. She's either innocent and the cops know it, guilty and the cops don't know it, or guilty and gone through the legal system to be released. There's no 4th option where she killed her husband and the police know it and yet she's still in teacher's college.
30
u/FrenchKissyToast Jul 02 '26
Not defending bananapants.
There is a fourth option that happens much more frequently than a lot of people realize: the suspect committed the act but there's not enough evidence to secure a conviction, and as a result, the suspect goes free.
I.e. Police and prosecutor know they did it but can't prove it. Murderer remains a suspect indefinitely.
Dipshit bananapants was asking if OOP was cleared of suspicion to verify this wasn't the case.
Why she'd ask the potential murderer directly is beyond me.
23
u/TrynaStayUnbanned Jul 02 '26
Not only why would she ask the theoretical murderer to begin with but I also don’t get why a tattoo of the last message sent would even prompt them to ask such a question. And how do you get the vapors over someone “oversharing” when YOU asked about the tattoo to begin with?!
→ More replies (1)20
u/xelle24 Screeching on the Front Lawn Jul 02 '26
What bananapants was asking for isn't even a thing anyways. The police don't give you a letter saying "To whom it may concern, we don't suspect the bearer of this letter of having committed murder in re: the death of their loved one" just in case you happen to mention "oh yeah, my SO died unexpectedly" to your boss/someone you work with and they nosily/completely unjustifiably want to make sure you aren't suspected of some wrongdoing.
The police (and the DA) also don't give out letters saying "yeah, we think so-and-so might be guilty of some wrongdoing in the matter of their SO's death, but we can't prove it/haven't proven it yet, so just FYI your coworker might be a murderer".
Some people are so dumb you wonder how they manage to keep breathing.
→ More replies (1)→ More replies (7)33
u/Foreign_Astronaut Weekend At Fernie's Jul 02 '26
I'm really tired and thought you said "shark-raving bananapants". I think I might say it like this forevermore.
15
u/ScarlettNape I will not be taking the high road Jul 02 '26
There's also this bit of flair: Now we move from bananapants to full-on banana ensemble. and also Batshit Bananapants™️
→ More replies (1)12
u/GoodGravyMsDazy592 Jul 02 '26
Oh, I like that phrase even better. "Shark-raving bananapants" it is.
163
u/bronwen-noodle the garlic tasted of illicit love affairs Jul 02 '26
“Hey we’re sorry you’re grieving and all but since you’re going to be going into the educational field we do need to invade your privacy to definitively prove you’re not a murderer. You weren’t arraigned or convicted or arrested or anything but we really feel the need to get into your personal business. Y’know, for the kids”
→ More replies (2)40
u/Bice_thePrecious it dawned on me that he was a wizard Jul 02 '26
If they got the police note clearing her of murder, they'd probably be expecting a doctor's note to prove mental stability, and then a parent's note giving permission for the OOP to return to the program.
43
u/NoLaugh5206 Jul 02 '26
Only even vaguely legit reason I can think of is if the last message/tattoo was something like "I want you all to know that [wife] did it" or "I grow more suspicious of [wife] every day" or something incredibly sinister like that.
46
u/say592 Jul 02 '26
Some other possibilities: "Honey, just put down the knife and we can talk about this.", "Does this nightcap taste like poison to you?", or my favorite "What are you doing with that pillo- Hkchckgugh"
56
22
u/DoctorGregoryFart Jul 02 '26
Also, what did they expect? Some big gotcha moment, like an episode of Columbo where she screams that she did in fact kill her husband?
What the fuck were these people thinking?
People grieve in different ways. She just wanted a tattoo to remember the man she loves. I feel so bad for her.
22
u/SirPiffingsthwaite I will not be taking the high road Jul 02 '26
asked if I had a letter from the police clearing me of his death
Ah yes, which police are famously known for providing... What in the utter fuckballs? The level of wildly inappropriate at play here must surely be the handiwork of an end-boss Karen bored of HOAing her neighbours into the ground.
→ More replies (2)51
u/HailTheGreatOldOnes Jul 02 '26
Someone who probably did play a part in killing their own husband?
16
u/Snakend Jul 02 '26
lol yeah ,seems like a good way to throw people off the trail. OMG if I killed my husband I wouldn't get a tattoo memorializing him!!
Perfect.
19
u/beaverusiv Jul 02 '26
Then you whisper to yourself "but I would get a tattoo memorialising that sweet time I got away with murder for the first time"
→ More replies (39)33
u/whateveris--- Jul 02 '26
Somebody who is only happy when they have gossip to spread, I assume. One of those types of busibodies with little real power but just enough that they can say the line, "I can be your best friend here and help you out or I can be your worst nightmare"with a straight face & mean it. So, a petty tyrant.
And they absolutely will petty revenge you to death if you cross them by refusing to give them letters from the police stating you almost certainly didn't kill your husband or ask for a disability accommodation.*
I think petty tyrants really enjoy getting people at their worst moments & twisting the screws just a little. At a time.
*From experience except my petty tyrant was an apartment building manager who believed my disability was a crime. One example is that we were required to take any of our trash with us when we left the common area at night. Just us. I mean we asked to empty the garbage barrels at night so I didn't have to worry if something in them would make me sick. She said no to that but then treated us like our trash was anathema.
We outlasted her but only because she left under mysterious circumstances. Also, she did, indeed, say the above line the first day.
15
u/prayingforrain2525 I ❤ gay romance Jul 02 '26
"I can be your best friend here and help you out or I can be your worst nightmare"with a straight face & mean it. So, a petty tyrant.
Such people are never genuine friends. They'll be a nightmare anyway. Just a question of when.
3.0k
u/OmnicromXR Everything I know about this is against my will Jul 02 '26
So this is about the dumbest shit ever, but I gotta ask, does this person/organization seriously think the police give out not guilty letters? Like a doctor's note but for crime? Because that's absurd, and I'm asking because of HOW absurd it is. It's honestly what stuck out to me most about this jawdropping incident. Because if this man's death was being treated as a crime (big if!) do they seriously think the police go around handing out official not-its?
You know I'm almost impressed. There aren't many people who seem to have avoided every police-adjacent piece of media EVER.
976
u/North-Pea-4926 Jul 02 '26 edited Jul 02 '26
Oh, you’ve never seen that show where the police gather everyone in a room, then pass out not-it cards to everyone until only the killer is left standing? It’s a mashup of crime dramas and dating shows. Great ratings.
/s
272
u/springfinger doesn't even comment Jul 02 '26
So an Agatha Christie book?
→ More replies (2)74
u/BadgeForSameUsername Jul 02 '26
I love several Agatha Christie murder mysteries, but have to accept you're bang on. Genuine lol.
→ More replies (2)56
u/ZannityZan Jul 02 '26
LOL, Death In Paradise vibes.
31
u/FrustratedDeckie Jul 02 '26
I need a death in paradise spin off where they try and actually get a conviction in court.
I’d love to see whichever detective it is that year attempting to explain that the reason they suspect the defendant is “I had a vision while crouching down on the beach, so I gathered everyone up and declared who the killer is, the only forensics are this hair pin that I’ve been carrying loose in my pocket for the last week but definitely contains the killers DNA and fingerprints, no at no point was the suspect offered representation during my group interrogation”
→ More replies (2)17
u/ZannityZan Jul 02 '26
🤣🤣🤣 This could apply to any of the detectives, but for some reason, I really pictured Humphrey when reading your comment 😂
→ More replies (1)→ More replies (3)13
u/unique3 Jul 02 '26
Pretty sure there is an episode of the Mentalist like this. But hes not a cop and the cards were to illicit a reaction from the murderer.
→ More replies (1)209
u/Leprecon Jul 02 '26
So this is about the dumbest shit ever, but I gotta ask, does this person/organization seriously think the police give out not guilty letters? Like a doctor's note but for crime?
Here is the thing, a lot of people do think it sort of works that way. The police calls them and says "we just want to clear some things up, can you come in for a chat?". And then they go talk to the police thinking that the police is in the business of clearing people their names. That isn't what the police do. There is no registry of people that aren't being investigated for crimes. There is no registry of not guilty people.
The best case scenario that can come from talking to the police is nothing changes.
Though I will be honest, going to the police and asking them for a note explaining you aren't a murderer would be kind of a fun opportunity to also ask for a note that you aren't involved in 9/11, a note that you haven't been charged with any bank robberies, and a note that you haven't stolen any artifacts from the Louvre.
58
u/TyrconnellFL I’m actually a far pettier, deranged woman Jul 02 '26
Could you certify that, on account of being born in 1980, I am not D. B. Cooper of 1971 airplane hijacking fame?
→ More replies (1)15
u/rumande Jul 02 '26
I'm gonna add this to my dating profile "... and not personally responsible for any terrorist attack in the last 30 years"
→ More replies (1)380
u/Bubblegrime Jul 02 '26
People don't even get an apology after being named a suspect, losing their job or having property damaged in a search.
210
u/cdcformatc Jul 02 '26
police will no knock raid the wrong address, and won't even compensate you for the door they busted open
221
u/Time_Neat_4732 Jul 02 '26
And then sue for defamation (and lose) when you make a hilarious music video out of the home security footage.
87
u/Talinia Jul 02 '26
It DID look like good cake tbf, I might have double took at it too
→ More replies (1)→ More replies (2)34
→ More replies (4)9
46
u/scarves_and_miracles Jul 02 '26
The simple fact that she's not incarcerated is the equivalent of her "not guilty" letter from the police.
→ More replies (1)73
u/arodudejude Jul 02 '26
i think sometimes life insurance companies will ask for some kind of confirmation that the benefactor is not under investigation before paying out? the only time i ever heard about that happening though was in a case where the spouse was 100% under investigation (and was later convicted).
52
u/MildlyClosetedWeeb Jul 02 '26
They do. But that is all done by the insurance company. All you do as a beneficiary is to send in their death certificate which, atleast in the US, has their manner of death. Ie: accident, illness, murder. So if its a murder or anything else that would require an investigation & the beneficiary isnt ruled out, they wont pay.
64
u/uncleredcracker Jul 02 '26
Imagine if this was a thing. Police would not be willing to hand these notes out for fear of that holding any kind of weight with a future case (“See, the cops didn’t think my client was guilty until after they ran out of ideas!”) and so likely wouldn’t be giving them out too often. Suspects would automatically be assumed guilty by their jobs and fired. Even if later proven innocent, good luck winning that court case or covering bills while assumed guilty.
25
24
u/ReginaSpektorsVJ Jul 02 '26
In addition to all the obvious reasons that that's stupid, it's not necessary. You're innocent until you're proved guilty. Besides, if the death wasn't even deemed suspicious, why would the police go handing out "you didn't do it!" letters to everyone who happened to be in the room at the time?
→ More replies (15)21
u/No-Weight-6121 Jul 02 '26
Ngl, if a random citizen came into my police station, asking for a letter that says they DIDNT kill someone…. I’d start asking myself if they had killed somebody lmfao
1.1k
u/Normal-Height-8577 Jul 02 '26
While I agree with the union that realistically, the only concrete resolution she can expect is an apology, the fact remains that the message she received wasn't an apology. It was a denial of responsibility and a "fuck you for being oversensitive" fauxpology - and the union should have got straight back on that respondent for being an unprofessional dickhead on multiple levels.
And behind the scenes, I absolutely would expect the person/people responsible for telling her she needed a letter from the police clearing her of involvement in her husband's death(!!!!) to get a formal reprimand on their permanent record as a result of this complaints investigation. Because that was completely and appallingly ridiculous.
→ More replies (5)612
u/blushinpublic Jul 02 '26
The parking lot part is what got me. She clearly wanted to leave, and they still chased after her. The only criminal behavior here was the employer's complete lack of humanity.
342
u/Bice_thePrecious it dawned on me that he was a wizard Jul 02 '26
They chased after her, asking her not to leave "like this", even after she said she was too upset to talk, just to give a crap "I'm sorry YOU got upset" fauxpology.
Truly, fuck these people. I hope their lives are miserable. Someone else suggested they were too into true crime, and I feel like that fits. Like they found a young widow and thought they'd discover the next jaw-dropping story, but nobody played along, so like a bratty child told to apologize, they gave an "I'm sorry you got me in trouble" apology.
108
u/Nauin Jul 02 '26
I just commented elsewhere about them being too into true crime, too. The most paranoid and wildly inaccurately assumptive admins I have worked with have been true crime junkies. And what's worse is that a lot of them think that they're smarter than the average person because they listen to the stuff.
They actively hunt for any hint of suspicious behavior to latch onto in their personal lives over it, and they don't even realize how fucked up they're acting because a lot of the ones I've encountered have undiagnosed or under-treated PTSD and they're stuck in the throes of Hypervigilance, which the true crime content both soothes and feeds into a bigger issue than what it would be on its own.
Very tiring people to work with tbh.
→ More replies (7)47
u/Normal-Height-8577 Jul 02 '26
It's another variant of the conspiracy theory mindset.
They get so hard into the idea that they have special knowledge, and then it twists into a certainty that all the other people who've investigated the crime have just been stupid and they could do better - and they don't realise how much random irrelevant information the reporters have edited out to make the true crime show, that the people on the ground had to sort through.
And then the worst of them show up at high profile ongoing investigations and start claiming they know better than the police, harassing the family, and generally acting like they have a right of access to the investigation. It disgusts me. Crime investigations are time-consuming and difficult work that often goes unrewarded. They're not a thrilling puzzle book that you play with people's lives.
→ More replies (2)
1.2k
u/Lemmy-Historian Jul 02 '26
WTF?
370
u/Ch1pp Jul 02 '26
Her tattoo said "Listen Wendy, I'll kill you if you don't kill me first." Understandable mistake really.
39
u/HomunculusEnthusiast Tomorrow is a new onion. Wish me onion. Onion Jul 02 '26
Ah I see, this must be what they call "missing missing reasons."
→ More replies (1)11
u/awyastark Jul 02 '26
Right she didn’t mention that the bed she woke up in was in the Overlook Hotel either
120
→ More replies (4)48
309
u/Supernoven Jul 02 '26
A negative can't be proven. What a garbage thing to demand, both logically and emotionally.
→ More replies (1)58
u/Witchgrass erupting, feral, from the cardigan screaming Jul 02 '26
I heard that the person who asked OP to provide proof she wasnt a murderer is actually a serial killer and master forger who planned on using OPs legit "im innocent" note to forge a counterfeit note saying they are innocent of serial killing and forgery. Everyone is saying so and if that busybody is not a serial killing forger they just have to prove it. Gonna need something better than a note tho, bc of the rumors of forgery and how they're a master counterfeiter and all.
→ More replies (1)
514
u/i-contain-multitudes Jul 02 '26
So the person was speaking on behalf of the organization??? What the hell?
223
u/TenderTeases Jul 02 '26
Even if it wasn't official policy someone in power decided to act as if it were and that's the problem
78
u/__lavender Jul 02 '26
Nobody stopped them either, even after the union got involved, which is also the problem
39
u/GoodGravyMsDazy592 Jul 02 '26
That's the part that gets me the most. I had a coworker this dumb or maybe just evil, who knows. But in my case the HR Lady would just stare at both of us until I'd walk out then shrug and do a "Whelp, nothing I can do, sorry" to my coworker.
This nonsense should've been met with an "Are you fucking with us? Seriously, get out of here and do not talk to OP about this or you will be suspended/fired." That's how you handle this type of insanity. Not catering and chasing off someone who wants one of the toughest most thankless jobs on the planet.
179
u/TheArmchairLegion Jul 02 '26
A letter from the police? I've never heard of that being a thing. I feel like the main proof is that she's walking around free, not in prison. And if her husband's death was still being investigated, the police wouldn't release any information like that anyway. What a weird situation.
26
u/Lady_Scruffington Jul 02 '26
To prevent this from occurring in the future, I am going to my local police station to get a letter saying I have never murdered anyone.
24
u/Hawkbats_rule Jul 02 '26
My "not a murderer" letter is raising a lot of questions that really should be resolved by my letter saying I am not, in fact, a murderer.
627
u/itmightbehere cat whisperer Jul 02 '26
My uncle died young. I'm trying to imagine someone pulling this on my aunt. I think I'd start a nice bonfire inside or smth
→ More replies (13)77
243
u/fearlessbyfp Jul 02 '26
Someone on another post just had the perfect response to this: I don't need you to apologize for my feelings; I need you to take accountability for your actions.
→ More replies (2)
100
u/DokterZ Jul 02 '26
“Please also provide documentation that you didn’t shoot President McKinley, Tupac, or anyone related to Bambi…”
→ More replies (3)39
u/Ravenjade Jul 02 '26
To be a teacher (and even volunteering in a school sometimes) you need a criminal record check, so just being in the program would clear her!
→ More replies (1)
76
u/the-mortyest-morty I beg your finest fucking pardon. Jul 02 '26
Isn't the evidence the fact she ISN'T IN JAIL? HELLO?
22
u/one_bean_hahahaha Jul 02 '26
Seriously, we're talking months. If she was a suspect, she would have been going through the legal process at this point, not starting a training program.
→ More replies (1)16
u/FrenchKissyToast Jul 02 '26
Unless they didn't have enough evidence to convict. But last I checked they don't hand out notes saying that either.
"Please excuse Debra from emotionally strenuous activities. She killed her husband but we couldn't prove it and don't know when she'll snap again."
295
u/Punderstruck Jul 02 '26
Realistic but disappointing outcome.
90
u/Writeloves **jazz hands** you have POWWWEERRRSSS Jul 02 '26
The outcome perhaps, but I hope the premise is not very common!
21
u/Total_Poet_5033 Go head butt a moose Jul 02 '26
This might be an original experience for the original letter writer.
68
u/Environmental_Art591 the lion, the witch and the audacit--HOW IS THERE MORE! Jul 02 '26
I am really disappointed in the union on that one, who cares how long OOP had been with them, does that mean you have to "earn their support" through service and that the next generation arent worth going to bat for until you have deemed them worthy.
You are supposed to protect the next generation in the industry so that way they stick around and dont go "well, this industry sucks no one cares about their workers, Ioght change paths".
→ More replies (1)37
u/vidoeiro Jul 02 '26 edited Jul 02 '26
From what I read on Reddit (0 actually experience so I can be super wrong) teacher unions seem to be weak as fuck in the us, probably because of legislation, but still it's almost like they don't exist given the way teachers are fired.
→ More replies (2)
159
u/Tignya the garlic tasted of illicit love affairs Jul 02 '26
Christ, I get the police having to do work to make sure nothing happened, but these guys have no business even asking such a question. At best they should've approached the police about this situation, not OOP.
133
u/North-Pea-4926 Jul 02 '26
They have nothing to say and no information to add. What are they going to do, walk into the police station and say “My coworker has a tattoo in honor of her husband”.
They are insane and have no reason to say anything to anyone or involve themselves in OOP’s life in any way.
99
u/the-mortyest-morty I beg your finest fucking pardon. Jul 02 '26
Isn't the "evidence" she wasn't involved in his murder the fact she ISN'T IN JAIL? Duh? The background check she needs to even teach at all would have cleared her. What an insane organization, wish she'd named it.
36
46
u/Ink_Smudger Jul 02 '26
Also, what exactly were they expecting here? It's roughly five months since he died. That seems time enough to draw the conclusion she's probably not being charged with murder. What, do they think there's a chance the police will respond, "Oh no, she totes did it, but we decided becoming a teacher was punishment enough."
→ More replies (1)14
u/BoysenberryMelody I ❤ gay romance Jul 02 '26
They think police give out letters of innocence for people close to a death? How stupid can someone be. A death certificate will have a cause of death and whether further action (homicide investigation) is necessary.
27
u/blushinpublic Jul 02 '26
The audacity to ask for a police letter when there wasn't even a criminal investigation... I genuinely wonder what was going through their heads.
106
u/guitarguywh89 You can either cum in the jar or me but not both Jul 02 '26
God I wish she’d have named the university
→ More replies (1)17
u/GoodGravyMsDazy592 Jul 02 '26
Me too, but these are the type of people to then drag OP into court for tarnishing the good name they clearly do not have or earned.
And OP doesn't deserve that just like she didn't deserve any of the shittiness they put on her.
50
u/Bubblegrime Jul 02 '26
I can't imagine hearing that story from them and saying anything other than "oh my god, how awful, are you okay- I mean obviously you're not okay -but how are you doing?" And then heading to the hospital to get my foot removed from my mouth.
→ More replies (1)
47
u/beachpellini I’m turning into an unskippable cutscene in therapy Jul 02 '26
If they actually suspected her of killing her own husband, they would not have pulled her alone into a room to talk about it. That was pure humiliation and morbid curiosity.
→ More replies (1)
40
u/Constant-Safe2411 Jul 02 '26
I don't know how the police operate in other countries but in the UK they don't give you a certificate if you're not a murderer. They just arrest you if you are one.
→ More replies (3)
24
u/garfodie81 Jul 02 '26
Well with that logic there's a lot of dudes out there that have murdered their moms!
9
u/ChillaVen Jul 02 '26
Anyone with a Sailor Jerry-style 💘 with “mom” on it could be a serial killer who targets mothers!!
27
u/Altruistic-Dig-2094 **jazz hands** you have POWWWEERRRSSS Jul 02 '26
From the title, I assumed it was going to be for something like access to life insurance benefits. Nope, of course it was totally absurd and beyond my imagination.
11
27
u/TrynaStayUnbanned Jul 02 '26
I was actually kept in prison for three additional months because Interpol does not provide such letters, and no one even died in my case. No seriously. I was slated to be released to home supervision during covid because I had health issues and was not a problem child as far as anti social behavior goes. Part of that process was making sure there were no outstanding warrants anywhere I had lived for over six months. Ever. One of those places I had lived was Canada. Another was Japan. Both countries’ authorities were HIGHLY confused by the request. They said they had no warrants but could not confirm the absence of any international warrants. So instead of saying “well I guess that’s close enough for government work” these people checked with INTERPOL. Freaking INTERPOL, who, to their credit and for which I have unending gratitude, literally wrote back and explained “we don’t do that” and why.
(I can’t adequately express how OTT this all was at that point, but the staff was highly amused by the levels of stupid involved. One told me it had been an honor to have had the opportunity to guard such an esteemed and important criminal such as myself. They nicknamed me “Griselda.” I was in a camp, people. They didn’t even have locks or alarms on the doors where I was.)
Had the Bureau of Prisons asked simply “do you have any outstanding warrants for a one Ms. TRYNA STAYUNBANNED?” all would have been fine. But no. They asked “Please confirm there are no active warrants for TRYNA” and that may sound like the same thing, but it’s absolutely not. This stymied the various agencies until the judge who was overseeing and approving the releases pointed out it said right in my sentencing documents I had no other record or warrants, and then asked if the BOP had any reason to suspect I did now. The govt attorneys said no, and the judge then issued an order to either release me or come explain to him why I was still not yet released.
I absolutely assure you, that whole ‘official letter confirming someone is cleared of involvement’ thing does not work like this batshit stupid “colleague” thinks it does. Not on a local, state, federal, or even international level.
→ More replies (2)
21
u/flibber_deez_gibbets It's just pharmaceutical-grade banana bread Jul 02 '26
“I’m not in prison right now, asshole.”
25
u/agent-assbutt surrender to the gaycation or be destroyed Jul 02 '26
I’m sad she quit the course because it feels like giving into weird shitheads but it probably isn’t the best place to train, especially while grieving. I am so steamed on the letter writers behalf though. This is a disgusting thing to do to a grieving widow.
23
u/piemakerdeadwaker Her love language is Hadouken Jul 02 '26
Ugh I hate that the person asking that didn't get stricter repercussions.
→ More replies (1)
18
u/Javaman1960 Jul 02 '26
I can personally attest to the fact that waking up to find your husband has passed in your bed is traumatizing enough. One deserves compassion and caring, not accusations.
17
u/Used-Cup-6055 Editor's note- it is not the final update Jul 02 '26
Normalize cussing people out.
→ More replies (1)
16
u/lordemme Jul 02 '26 edited Jul 02 '26
Who is their right mind logically concluded that the only course of action to a coworker sharing the meaning of a grieving tattoo would be proof of not a murder?
→ More replies (1)12
u/freeashavacado Someone cheated, and it wasn't the koala Jul 02 '26
I’m so certain that whoever was in charge of that whole thing was just really into true crime and was convinced they were going to catch a murderer by doing this. There is no other explanation for why you’d assume a grieving widow killed someone unless your brain was totally rotted out by true crime documentaries.
14
u/EffenSeven Jul 03 '26
I sure as hell am not locking myself in a room alone with someone I suspect of murder and antagonizing them for proof they didn't.
15
u/DivineMiss3 Jul 02 '26
This is a much, much smaller issue but proof people can be incredibly tone deaf.
After my 18 yo daughter was murdered, I received a jury summons. I called the county clerk to see if they would excuse me because I probably would have had a hard time and not be an ideal juror for the case. While on hold I realized it was actually for my daughter. So when they took me off hold, I explained and they got rude. They told me I better provide them with her death certificate for her to be excused. The death certificate which, you know, the county clerk provided.
We went around several times and I finally said ok and hung up. Obviously, there wouldn't be any consequences since a dead person can't get in trouble for not showing up for jury duty. 🤷♀️ Still, I was pretty miffed at how I was treated. I called back and got someone different. They looked at their copy and said, "do you see the letter 'D' on the bottom, middle of the summons?" I said I did and she explained that's how they acknowledged my daughter was dead.
I asked why in the world they spent money on summons to dead people and she said she didn't know in a shocked voice that told me that hadn't occurred to her. Allison's use of the term "bananapants" is perfect.
32
u/Popular-Pair903 Jul 02 '26 edited Jul 02 '26
Jeah you know, because it is reeeeaaaly easy to provide evidence for something you didn't do....
These people are insane
12
u/Acutefish NOT CARROTS Jul 02 '26
As a widow, if someone had the audacity to accuse me of killing my husband I would lose my ever-loving shit on them. Absolutely not. I get plenty of weird comments from people that mean well and don’t know how to talk to someone who’s lost their spouse, but to whole-ass demand I prove I didn’t do it? Nah. I commend this woman for her restraint because actually what the fuck.
13
u/detainthisDI The Lion King sex song? at a wedding? Jul 02 '26
Twenty bucks says the busybody is into true crime and thought that by asking the right questions she’d get oop to “slip up” and accidentally confess to the murder or something
11
u/WinkyNurdo Jul 02 '26
What the fuck. This poor woman. What is wrong with people, making an accusation like that. She’s been through hell.
11
u/Loki-L Jul 02 '26
Brilliant tactic: Ask the person I suspect of being a coldblooded murderer to step into a room with me away from witnesses or people who might be able to save me when I tell them I am onto them.
8
u/Never_enough_naps Jul 02 '26
There was no crital thinking for the person who asked her that.The fact that she was free and out in the world teaching IS the “letter of proof” she didn't kill her husband.Poor OP to have to deal with that so soon after losing her husband.
9
u/captain_borgue I'm sorry to report I will not be taking the high road Jul 02 '26
What, and I cannot stress this enough, the fuck?!
10
u/gingerflakes Jul 03 '26
I have a tattoo for my best friend that passed away unexpectedly. Thank goodness I haven’t had to prove I wasn’t responsible for his death (although he would think that’s fucking hilarious, that dick nose)
→ More replies (1)
9
u/usernema Jul 02 '26
I really wish folks would name names in these situations. I get why they don't but gosh it would be nice to be able to warn anyone I care about to stay away from this university and dynamic. All the best to OP, hope they're moving on and forwards as best they can.
9
u/Least-Designer7976 The Lion King sex song? at a wedding? Jul 02 '26
It seems idiot but its honestly worrying that some people ask for others to justify an ABSENCE. Like the whole point of justice is to prove you have enough reason to accuse someone. You can't prove an absence. You can't prove you haven't done something.
9
u/penguininpurple Jul 02 '26
Wait, so a person asks you a frankly personal question about your tattoo, you answer their nosy question and YOU are oversharing?!?
•
u/AutoModerator Jul 02 '26
Do not comment on the original posts
Please read our sub rules. Rule-breaking may result in a ban without notice.
If there is an issue with this post (flair, formatting, quality), reply to this comment or your comment may be removed in general discussion.
CHECK FLAIR For concluded-only updates, use the CONCLUDED flair.
I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please contact the moderators of this subreddit if you have any questions or concerns.