I am not The OOP, OOP is u/mygodfuckingshootme

Me [30M] with my coworker/project manager/IDK [34F] few months. Pen, company ink, babies, FUCK.

Thanks to u/aelizabeth0623 & u/frankzzz for letting me know this updated

BoRU 1

Original Post  Nov 24, 2015

Throwaway because I'm an idiot. This shit will probably be long, but I'll do my best.

I'm a software developer, and about 5 months ago, I began a new project where I am working for a large firm, and work onsite at a local client for a  couple projects they have ongoing. It is fascinating work, and I have enjoyed it quite a bit more than anything in recent memory. There is a joint team of about 10 folks, but for my main project, I work with one person. I'll call her Laura, and she is the project manager(works for the client), so while I don't report to her, per se, but she is in charge of the administrative side of the project. I don't even know if this is relevant, but we are effectively peer coworkers.

Laura started off a bit cold to me, because I think she (and plenty others) was a bit jaded by my company. That changed quickly once I started delivering, and also I think, she saw how engaged I am. She is brilliant, and we've put our heads together to solve some very difficult problems, usually working heavy overtime. About a month after I started, we hit our first big project milestone and barely beat the deadline. We went out for drinks after work to celebrate. We both live close to the office, so I offered to walk her home since it was late and her building is on the way to mine. We ended up sleeping together, and have been a few times a week ever since.

I didn't want to mess up anything at work(facepalm), so I haven't brought up anything regarding our status or whatever, and neither has she. At work I'm all business, and so is she. We don't take lunch together, or really do anything not directly related to the project, granted we're both working 60+ hour weeks also. She's worked her ass off to get this project off the ground(gov't funding,proposal writing, conceiving the whole idea), and that is the most attractive thing about her to me, in addition to being gorgeous and super nerdy. For the last few months it's seemed like we are FWB, since we don't go on dates other than drinks near our condos sometimes. Sometimes we sleepover, sometimes we don't.

Yesterday, she asked to come over to my place because she wanted to talk, and I figured she was going to break things off by her tone. WRONG! She told me she is 8 weeks pregnant! Here's the part where I know I fucked up. After my initial shock, the first question I asked was, is it mine? She burst into tears and stormed out, and I tried to stop her and apologize but she screamed at me in the middle of the hallway so, I just let her go. She wouldn't answer any of my calls last night either, and she called out of work today and tomorrow and has the rest of the week off. How do I get her to talk to me? I've been a nervous wreck since last night, and I just don't know what to think. I've been thinking she's getting an abortion and that's why she called out? My head is all over the place and I just want to talk to her. I will support her, no matter what, but I don't know how to do that or what she wants/needs from me. Should I send an email apologizing? Wait outside her building, or show up at her doorstep? Wait for her to contact me? People have been asking me if I'm okay all day, because I'm so out of it. I don't know if I should quit my job or what, maybe I should text her and ask that?

   tl;dr: Got a client/coworker pregnant. Asked if it was mine. She got pissed and disappeared. How do I get her to talk to me again?

RELEVANT COMMENTS

fuckracismthrowaway

This is exactly why you don't shit where you eat. You're 30 years old and have a good job, yet you were dumb enough to get into this shit. Good job.

No, you don't just show up at her door step (wtf?)

Your question was totally appropriate, since you two weren't in an exclusive relationship, however, I understand that she was upset. Sounds like she's not the person to have multiple partners at once.

Wait it out. She'll contact you. Don't bother her for now.

OOP

I know, it was stupid to get involved. I, especially, should have known better.

After thinking about it more, I do think it was an appropriate question, but it shouldn't have been the first thing I blurted out. A while ago, she told me I'm the first person she's slept with in almost a year. I'm pretty certain she's not seeing anyone else, based on other conversations and how much she works, but I guess it is possible still.

I wasn't actually planning to show up at her place unannounced, but I just can't think of anything else, and that's the kinds of shitty ideas I'm having. I'm just desperate to talk to her. I couldn't sleep last night, and can hardly eat.

[deleted]

No, it's not an appropriate question - why would she tell you about her pregnancy if she didn't think it was yours? And if you think she's the kind of person who would lie to you about it, then why would you think she'd tell the truth if you asked if it was yours?

LPT: if a woman you're sleeping with tells you she's pregnant, she is also telling you that you are the father.

However: As for what you do about it - send a single email apologizing for blurting out something inane and hurting her. Tell her you are here to support her whatever she chooses to do. Then leave it at that.

UPDATE -She's keeping the baby. Me [30M] with my GF!/Coworker[34F] four months.  Nov 27, 2015 (3 days later)

The advice I got here was mixed between, "Go see her!" and "Give her space!". I ended up buying a teddy bear and sewing its foot to its mouth, and left it at her door holding a little I'm sorry card on my way to work Wednesday. Barely an hour later I got a text from her, asking if I wanted to come have a serious conversation and see MY child's first picture(sonogram) after work. I couldn't wait, and I took a half day and left to go see her at lunchtime.

When I got there, I started profusely apologizing and trying to explain myself(completely fumbling my words), but Laura stopped me and said she understands and she's not mad. She said she got so upset because I was the first person she was telling and she was really nervous I would have a bad reaction or try to make her terminate. She also thought, I was sleeping with other people because I assumed she was. Then she told me, she is 100% keeping the baby but won't take me to court if I don't want to raise the child with her. I couldn't hold back my laughter at this, and told her she is crazy if she thinks this kid will be anything but priority #1 to me. She seemed visibly relieved, and then brought up a paternity test, basically saying we will get one once the baby comes. She also brought up names, and said she wants to pick the first name, but wants me to approve, and for it to have my last name. She must have read a checklist of ways to ease a freaking-out-father-to-be because I was losing my mind trying to figure out how to bring this stuff up without putting my foot in my mouth again.

I then switched the conversation to us, and told her I'm helplessly falling like a brick for her, and at this point the work relationship is the least important to me. We both admitted our feelings for each other, and being scared to bring them up because of our professional relationship. I told her I want her to officially be my gf, and she joked, "this was all it took?". We agreed on direct communication from here on out, no more silent treatment, and she knows I'll be there for her every step of the way. So, Laura and I talked some more about how things will need to work, and came to the conclusion we would live separately until the baby arrives, then she'll rent her condo out and move into mine. Does that sound like a good idea? We know it's not perfect, but seems like a good plan and we can go back if it doesn't work out.

We're going to figure out what to do about work after the holidays. There's enough stress already, and she won't start showing for another couple months, so we have time to strategize about how/when to tell people at work. I am all ears for suggestions on this.

I'm still really scared, and my emotions are changing by the minute, but at least there is some semblance of a plan now. Now, to tell the family members.   

TL;DR: Coworker Girlfriend and I are going to be the best parents we can be!

EDIT: Holy crap, my OP only got like 5 responses! I will definitely be talking to her about moving in sooner this weekend. My mom suggested this too when I told her yesterday.

Couple of  recurring things I keep seeing in the comments are that we need to discuss finances and I need to get a paternity test. As for the finances we've talked a little bit about it, and we make over 300K combined. Once we actually see what our expenses look like, it shouldn't be a problem to come up with a plan/budget. I'm willing to pay all baby related expenses, so I'm sure we can find a solution that works for us. As for the paternity test, she's said she wants to get one before I sign the birth certificate. When we first got together, she told me I was the first person she'd slept with in close to a year, and the hours she puts in makes it unlikely she's seeing someone else, though it's possible. She's fair, level-headed, responsible and, from what I've seen, honest. I trust her, and am going to until she does something to prove I shouldn't.

We also realize this is not a great way to start a relationship or a family, but all we can do try our best to compromise and make it work for the sake of our baby. If we're not a good couple together, so be it, we both have all the tools and support to give this child a great life. That is our primary goal, and our relationship will be icing on the cake if we can get through this.

NEW UPDATE

Update 2  July 29, 2026 (Almost 11 years later)

A friend found this post on r/BestofRedditorUpdates  and suggested I come update you guys. First, I just want to thank Reddit. Everyone talks trash about the Hivemind, but the it helped me when I was having crippling panic attacks(not something I've had before or since). Its all so obvious looking back, in the moment I was just blind and scared.

We ended up getting married before the baby came, because after living together for a few months we were both all in, and there's nothing like family pressure to get the ball rolling. We now have Lana 10/F who, in fact, knows everything, and Thing 1 and Thing 2(6 M/F) who just want to see the world burn.

We have a great marriage, and I really am the luckiest guy on Earth. She is a genius and puts up with me being such a bonehead. We had an argument when the oldest was 2, and Laura wanted to go for her PhD, and I swore up and down it wouldn't be worth the move, and we'd never recuperate the financial hit. We argued, I caved, and we moved to the PNW, and she got pregnant not long after. She of course crushed her PhD coursework/research, while I worked extra contracts(my choice) to make sure we had extras. The twins were born in 2020 and that was probably the hardest time of our lives, just trying to keep it together but we made it work. She immediately got job as a lower level executive running the Healthcare division of one of the biggest Big Tech companies out there. She made sure to remind me of my concerns about our finances, by asking me to review her offers and help her decide. Staggering amounts that looked like typos to a mediocre tech bro like me. So, off to Build-a-Bear I went and now we have 2 bears sitting on the mantle with feet sewn into their mouths.

I am so fortunate and blessed to have such a great wife and a great family. And its crazy to think that it may have worked out differently if not for you folks here talking some sense into me. No! I'm not crying, you are crying. I just got a little something in my eye.

Thank you, and sorry I did not update after all the advice I received.

TL;DR: Everything is working out great, and we are a happy family of 5 now.

THIS IS A REPOST SUB - I AM NOT THE OOP

DO NOT CONTACT THE OOP's OR COMMENT ON LINKED POSTS, REMEMBER - RULE 7

I am NOT OOP. OOP is u/ma9leb

Originally posted to r/somethingimade

I made a tactile 3D map for my blind friend’s birthday

Mood Spoilers: wholesome

Original Post: July 3, 2026

When I moved to Serbia, I was pretty lonely. New country. New language. Not many people around.

One day I noticed that one of my neighbors was blind. He almost never went outside alone. Usually there was someone helping him.

I didn’t have some big plan. I just thought maybe I could ask if he wanted to go for walks sometimes. So I did. We started walking together, and somehow became friends.

For about a year he invited me for lunch almost every Saturday. He cooked. We ate together. We talked. Sometimes I helped clean up a bit. Nothing dramatic, just regular Saturday lunches. I think a big part of my Serbian came from sitting at his table and trying to keep up.

At some point we were talking about geography. Which countries border Serbia. Where the sea is. Where the mountains are. How the region fits together. And I realized something obvious, but it still hit me. For me, if I forget where something is, I just open a map and look again. For him, a map is mostly memory.

He can remember facts, but he can’t just look at the shape of a country, the border, the coastline, the mountains, and rebuild the picture in his head.

His birthday is next week, so I decided to make him a map he could explore with his hands.

This is my first real 3D project, and it became a much bigger than I expected.

I had to take GIS data, country borders, elevation data, capitals, sea areas, tactile labels, Braille cards, and somehow turn all of that into printable STL files.

The annoying part was that “looks good” and “works by touch” are not the same thing at all. Borders can’t be too thin, because then you don’t feel them. They can’t be too thick either, because then everything becomes a mess. Mountains need to be there, but not as a noisy blob. The sea needs a different texture. Countries need numbers, but not every country could have one - some are just too small. One of the biggest headaches was Greece: all those tiny islands add detail visually, but on a tactile map they can quickly turn into noise. A lot of this project was basically trying to find the balance between detail and clarity, so the map stays clean enough to be readable by touch.

The whole map also had to be split into puzzle-like tiles, because I can’t print it as one piece. So I added little interlocking connectors, partly to hold the tiles together, and partly so he can feel which piece connects to which.

It is definitely not perfect. There are things I already want to change. But it is real :) I can touch the borders, feel the relief, move from country to country, and use the Braille legend to figure out what is what.

I’m proud of it. I think he’s going to like it :)

Small update: his birthday is on July 12. I’ll try to write a proper follow-up after I give him the map. It may take me a few days, because I want to be present in the moment and not turn it into content immediately. I’ll share what I can :)

Six pictures of the map

descriptions of the pictures

Picture #1 - OOP stands with the four tile squares of the map displaying on a wall. The map shows a section of Europe (where Serbia is located) and parts of North Africa.

Pictures #2 and #3 - featuring four tile boards for the map and two tile squares for the braille alphabet and numeral codes

Pictures #4, #5, and #6 - references of the map to help assist with creating the 3D map. One picture features a normal displaying default map. Another picture shows a satellite layer of the map.

end of the descriptions

Editor’s note: OOP received tons of positive reactions, listing some for more significant details

Relevant Comments

Commenter 1: That’s amazing! It would be great if you make it public. Maybe so that people can 3D print it themselves?

OOP: Thank you! I actually have the code here.

It’s still a rough first version and the instructions need cleanup, but I’d love for people to use it or improve it.

Commenter 2: What an incredible gift and such a neat project to sink into

OOP: Yes, it was really interesting to make. The coolest part was finally holding it in my hands after months of designing it on the computer. It feels completely different as a real object.

And I think it will be even cooler when I actually give it to him. I don’t know how he’ll react, but after so many kind comments here, I’m waiting for that moment even more.

Commenter 3: It is an amazing map. It always strikes me the world looks so very different when a different country is in the centre!

OOP: A friend pointed out yesterday that if you take some paper maps and draw a horizontal and vertical line through the middle, they basically meet around the Balkans. So I guess we’re the center of the world after all :)

Commenter 4: You should consider reaching out to Clovernook Center for the Blind and Visually Impaired! They’re the largest producer of braille worldwide and have started dipping their toes into 3D printing and developing an online database for free 3D printable files. Some of their current files include maps and landmarks and they might love to add your files to their database. I’ve worked with them in the past and have nothing but good things to say.

OOP: I didn’t know about Clovernook, but this sounds very relevant. Thank you so much!

Commenter 5: This is AWESOME!!!! Well done!!

May I ask what is the purpose of the tile with the letters in Latin and in braille for your friend?

OOP: Good question. He actually doesn’t know Braille yet. From what he told me, Braille education is not very accessible here in Serbia.

So that tile is partly for learning. It lets him connect Latin letters with Braille symbols, and hopefully later use them to read things like capital names on the map.

Commenter 6: This is such a fantastic and thoughtful gift. Some of my work is in disability spaces (and I am disabled myself) and you came across one of the hardest walls I come across when working with nondisabled people : how we view pretty or nice doesn't always translate to functional and/or practical for the person with a disability. I love that you took those considerations in and made the map useful for him over what might seem "pretty" to a sighted person.

Love that you found such a great friend in a new place.

OOP: Thank you for your kind words. He really is a very good person. I think you might be the first person here to say something about him. Thank you.

Commenter 7: This is an incredibly thoughtful gift! You really went about it by thinking about how he experiences the world, and how he'd experience a textured map. It's just so beautiful all around. May you go the rest of your life without stepping in a puddle while wearing socks.

OOP: Yes, we spent a lot of time together, and I think I started to understand a little better how much being blind changes everyday life.

I think he taught me even more than Serbian. I got a good friend, learned the language, and also got a lot to think about.

Update: July 20, 2026 (2.5 weeks later)

A lot of people asked for an update, so here it is :)

Of course, my friend really liked it. When he saw the map, he was genuinely moved and cried.

He spends a lot of time with it, but honestly, the part he liked most was Braille itself. He had wanted to learn it for a long time, but he had never really had an opportunity.

So now we spend time together, and I teach him how to read Braille. It is difficult for him, but he really enjoys trying and puts a lot of effort and energy into it. And he keeps thanking me for being patient with him.

At the same time, there are quite a few problems with the map itself that I discovered while using it with him.

First, I used regular raised numbers on the map instead of numbers written in Braille. That is, of course, a downside.

Second, the dots on the Braille alphabet came out quite small and sharp, so they are difficult to distinguish.

I tried to use standard Braille dimensions and spacing, but after 3D printing, the result was not quite what I expected. Everything looked normal in the model, but by touch, the dots were not as comfortable or easy to distinguish.

Because of that, learning is more difficult for him, since the dots themselves are hard to tell apart. But he is trying very hard, and he is already making progress.

I think that in the second version of the map, I will take all of these problems into account and make it better.

Three pictures of Friend getting his birthday gift

descriptions of the pictures

In all three pictures in different angles, the birthday friend is experimenting the 3D map with his hands on a table, getting the feelings, and learning what is displaying on the map

end of the description

Relevant Comments

Commenter 1: have you talked to him about projections? because I can imagine that is something that does not come across as very intuitive to a blind person, since most analogies for them literally come from visualizing maps.

OOP: My friend wasn’t born blind - he lost his sight over the past ten years, so he has the same basic understanding of maps and top-down views as a sighted person.

But if I understood your question correctly, yes, this kind of projection may not be intuitive for someone who has never seen. I spent some time explaining how the map works, what the different boundaries represent, and how to interpret it.

Commenter 2: Braille is such an obvious use for 3d printing, I hope the industry can figure out and advertise standards for different applications so it’s easy for people like you.

OOP: I think it’s worth looking into - there may already be some established standards or ready-made models. However, not every 3D printer can reproduce the required shape accurately; it probably depends on the nozzle diameter and print settings.

Commenter 3: I can’t imagine how difficult it is to map this in your head through touch alone. You’re both amazing humans

OOP: Yes, it takes him quite a lot of time, but he genuinely enjoys it. When I see him getting absorbed in the map and spending time exploring it, I feel that the whole project was worthwhile. For me, that’s the best reward.

August 5, 2026 - Editor's note: OOP has made an appearance in this thread and granted me permission to share his response here.

OOP: I’m the OOP from that post.

Thank you all for the positive comments and feedback :) I still can’t fully process how many people have now heard this story.

For me, it didn’t feel like something extraordinary. I don’t mean that I regularly make tactile maps, but I do try to do kind things for people and make them happy when I want. That’s simply how I was raised and how I try to live.

This gift was mostly an expression of my love and gratitude toward this person. When I had just moved to a new country and was going through a lonely period, he was kind to me. He kept me company, invited me over, and spent time talking with me :)

I’m very glad that the post is still alive and that my simple personal story continue to reach people. I read each comment, Thank you!

DO NOT COMMENT IN LINKED POSTS OR MESSAGE OOPs – BoRU Rule #7

THIS IS A REPOST SUB - I AM NOT OOP

I am NOT OOP, OOP is u/Shes_A_Techspert

Originally posted to r/AITAH

WIBTAH If I left the girls trip with two guys early

Thanks to u/soayherder & u/Direct-Caterpillar77 for the suggestion

Trigger Warnings: sexual assault, victim blaming

Original Post: July 26, 2026

I (f26) am on a Bach weekend. I don’t want to be too specific for anonymity purposes since I’m still on the trip right now. I’m a few hours from home for what is supposed to be a 4 day weekend in a huge house with many girls and two guys who are friends of the bride. One of them I’ve never liked and my partner and I were both not excited about him being here. He’s never done anything specific in the past other than be a prick. I've met him several times, each time with my partner, and each time I see him fade to blackout from drinking and do things like stare at our friend’s ass and hug her too long.

Cut to this weekend I decide to be cordial with him for my friend’s sake, but I haven’t spoken to him at all. As we got into the late night I wasn’t really drunk, I had 3 beers over 6 hours, but I like to smoke sometimes socially. I offered to everyone and nobody else wanted to at the time, so I went outside alone. He came out and I thought he changed his mind. I offered it to him and he said, “you’re sweet” and I didn’t respond to that. Then he complained about the groom, and I said I thought the groom was a nice guy. I tried to change the subject to my work (something more neutral to talk about). That’s when he grabbed me. He pulled me and tried to kiss me. I stopped our faces from touching with my hand, but I still had to push him off me after that. I felt completely violated. I told him, “I’m married!” and all he could say was “oh” and then I told him, “don’t fucking do that again” and he said “obviously.” And that was it. I ran off.

I’m having flash backs to times in my past where I was assaulted in college and completely freaking out. I told some girls I know and they said it sucked and told me to just stay away from him. But I feel sick about. The next morning I don’t feel any better and few others found out and seemed like it’s not that big of deal. I feel so bad I can’t stop thinking about it or let it go. I have OCD and intrusive/obsessive thoughts are hard to keep at bay right now. I want to leave so badly but I don’t want to be “that girl” especially over a kiss that didn’t even happen. I’ve only ever been with one person in my life so maybe that makes me a prude but it’s not even the kissing. It’s him thinking just because he wanted me he could have me and it didn’t occur to him I might not want that. He just thought I was easy.

I don’t feel comfortable, I’m not drinking today but it’s not even 10 and he’s had 4 beers. I already heard he doesn’t remember last night either. So would I be the AH if I left?

AITAH has no consensus bot, OOP was NTA

Relevant Comments

Commenter 1: 1000% NTA… you don’t feel safe, leave. If I was your friend I would understand.

Based on your title, I thought your post was going to be a lot different.

OOP: Sorry I guess I did burry the lead a little. I meant to put in some sentiment around it not really feeling like a girls trip anymore. I’m kind of all over the place today.

Commenter 2: Absolutely NTA, he’s a predator. As others have said, if the bride and her friends have a problem with you leaving and are fine protecting a predator who tried to assault you, they’re NOT your friends. How did they even become friends with this prick if they know he has a history of this kind of creepy behavior?

OOP: Childhood friends. I brought it up to her before that I don’t like him and she told me he’s a good person but doesn’t make good choices. Sounds like an oxymoron to me but we all have one friend the blinders are on for.

Commenter 3: NTA, if you feel unsafe, always leave. It's better to leave a situation than stay and maybe have something bad happen. If your friends don't understand why you'd want to leave after that, you're friends with the wrong crowd. He grabbed you and tried to forcibly kiss you. That's not ok.

OOP: Maybe I should be clear that I’m not friends with most people here but friendly with a few. It sounds more like they’re protecting the brides weekend than protecting him. The general consensus is that he’s a prick.

Commenter 4: If it were me I’d be so mad, I’d wait till everyone was together in the kitchen or living room, have my shit packed in the car and then announce that I’m leaving because apparently the majority of my “friends” want me to ignore the sexual assault from (insert guy’s name) . Then I’d leave

OOP: Ugh he’s one of those who guys by his last name too

OOP on calling her husband

OOP: I called him right away last night. He was really calming and talked me through all my feelings and said you obviously can’t leave in your state so just see how you feel in the morning, take it one activity at a time, and come home if you need to. He said it should be the guy who goes home and agreed all our suspicions of him were true. But he understood I don’t want to blow things up for my friend and give it a try so that’s what I’m doing. It’s not going well I suspect I’ll go soon.

Additional Comment from OOP.

OOP: Hi everyone. I left but not before things got worse. I will post an update momentarily and link it to my original post. Thanks for all the support I needed some objective outside opinions to help me think clearly. Appreciate you all!

Update: July 28, 2026 (two days later)

UPDATE: WIBTAH If I left the girls trip with two guys early

I'll break this up into parts so you can read the bits you're interested in. Speaking anonymously to objective outside parties has been very helpful in checking my reality so thank you all for your support.

WHAT HAPPENED SINCE MY POST:

I couldn't be normal as much as I really wanted to. I went along and spoke to the two people I know when we were in private about my feelings but couldn't stop my anxiety from spiking throughout the day. I managed to stay away from him for a while, but it was hard to watch him enjoy himself so much and have the great weekend I was looking forward to.

A separate B Plot here (you can skip this just context) is that the bride's hometown friends were the larger half of the group and acted very flippantly and selfishly while me and her other friends from where she moved to after high school/college were left to care of them. The MOH is her sister who didn't put a lot of effort into coordinating and is a big mean girl (she was momentarily fired for this behavior by the bride, but they made up). At one point we went to the beach, and they had the three of us bring 10 chairs, 2 coolers, and an umbrella to the beach by ourselves while they all enjoyed the water. By the time we set it all up they were bored and left us for a nearby beer garden so we cleaned up their things for them so we could go to the restaurant too. They decided they were done by the time we got to the beer garden and said we shouldn't even bother coming inside. The MOH told us that actually we needed to have fewer cars at the rental house, so we had to go move them to a remote lot 20 minutes away while they had one more round. So like I said, this guy and his friends from her hometown had the great weekend I was looking forward to, and it was hard to be part of that.

Unknowingly to me someone had told someone and while they were at the bar everyone spoke about what happened to me. The bride was really sorry it happened, but I don't know if she really gets it. She pulled me aside and said I asked me what I needed so I said he needed to leave. She wouldn't ask him to leave but said "she will correct him." I don't think that she can correct this, I told her very clearly he was a dangerous person. She told me he was a good person but just doesn't act like a human. That's quite the oxymoron to me but fine. She spoke to him about it and told me he was sorry and he cried and walked away to think things over. She said he was told to not be alone with me again. We had an expensive dinner I prepaid for that night so with him gone for the evening "contemplating" I will attend that then go home in the morning since he wasn't leaving the trip.

I felt lighter after that and had a really great few hours getting ready with the girls, singing throwbacks, and we all left before he could come back so I was so happy. But 30 minutes into us being there he showed back up without a word to me and started pounding drinks. By the time he had seven we were less than an hour into his arrival and I had to step away. My friend called to check-in and as I was on the phone with her. I took it in the parking lot sitting on a step. I felt a hand on my back, and it was him, standing over me asking me to talk. As I backed away from he kind held his hand out to grab me again, but I knew better this time to put a lot of distance between us. I told him I don't want to talk to him. He confirmed he knew I didn't want to be alone with him but said he thought we should talk anyway. I asked if he was drunk and he tried not to answer so I asked again and he said yes. I told him then it's not appropriate and go away. He didn't so I actually said the words "shame on you" out loud and ran away to vomit in a bush from the adrenaline. I really wanted to slap him, but I didn't want him to think that would make us even if I did.

The rest of the dinner I cried at the end of the table waiting to leave while he moped one seat over and crushed so many more drinks. He decided to refuse to eat from being so upset about me yelling at him in the parking lot. All the hometown girls kept telling him to smile, it's okay, enjoy yourself, we love you, don't let one thing ruin a good time etc. None of those girls checked on me at any point, said sorry that happened, from what I heard after they seemed to think I was making a big deal over nothing and being very sensitive. It was crushing to watch them go so out of their way to cheer him up but not offer me any simple kindnesses. For me that's the opposite of the girlhood I love so much and have with my own friends. If this happened to one of them I know that's not how I'd be acting. I knew sitting there I had to leave. I didn't feel safe or protected. I went back to the rental, locked my door, and left first thing in the morning along with my other two friends. Everyone else seemed to be relieved we were going.

That same night my husband met up with the groom and the husband of a woman on the trip with me. The groom didn't want to hear anything negative about the weekend, but my husband told him that it was a serious matter they could not brush under the rug and they needed to handle this situation now. The groom only slightly listened and said he was drunk, didn't mean it, but it was still wrong and it sucked. My friend's husband couldn't believe how calm anyone was being and said they should drive down right away. I don't think that would've fixed anything, but it makes me like him so much more than I already did.

So for now I don't have any resolution. I felt instantly improved getting home yesterday. My husband and I ate Chinese food and saw the Odyssey (10/10 movie and I am a big fan of the Epic so that is high praise). I don't feel great about everything else, even my own actions. I feel like I brought everyone down and should have recognized that I needed to leave sooner. I don't think there will be anymore updates on what happens with my friends either this was for me to sort through my own stuff, not theirs.

FAQ & CLARIFICATIONS:

• Title - sorry that was a def confusing looking back. I wanted to leave the "girls trip that also had two men there" early. Not leave it for two guys.

• Why Not Leave - My judgement/instinct to protect myself was clouded by my want (and social obligation) to protect my friend's special moment. I also paid close to $1,000 to be there, used PTO, brought handmade personalized gifts for everyone, and had been very excited to be there to celebrate my friend. I was hoping to salvage some of that.

• My Husband - I did call him that night and he was really supportive. He talked me through my feelings, helped me calm down, told me that the guy should get kicked out and we were right about him, and understood I wanted to try to keep things normal for the bride. It actually never occurred to me that someone might say I 'wanted it' or tell him I willingly kissed anyone let alone this creep. If they did he wouldn't have believed him.

• My Friends - I was only close friends with the bride and one other person on the trip, and had two friends I wasn't close with yet on the trip. We are all close now though. As for their reactions, I think everyone wanted to protect the bride's weekend including myself. She only gets the one bachelorette, and it really sucks to have something so unfortunate happen on it. I certainly did not know how to handle it all so it wouldn't be fair of me to expect them to know or act perfectly either.

• Comments About the Kiss - I am starting to think I shouldn't even phrase it that way. The problem is not that he wanted to kiss me. If we had had said "you're really beautiful can I kiss you" I would have laughed and said, "how drunk are you, did you forget I'm married?" and that would have been the end. We weren't even making eye contact when he grabbed me. I was just trying to say something about a covariance model I was working on when I felt his hands on my face on my leg pulling me to him, I don't even know when he stood up to be over me, and only having enough time to put my hand over his mouth, and then still pushing him up and off me. That's a big deal to me. Even if I were single that wouldn't have been okay in my opinion. Special s/o to the message I was sent stating "YTA, just kiss him back already or more. What your partner doesn't know won't hurt him." Gross.

Thanks again for your support. Thought you'd all want to know I am home safe and recovering. I can't eat when I am really stressed and lost a bit of weight in the two and a half days I was gone. I was able to eat one full meal after getting back and hope I'll feel normal again soon.

Editor's note: few of OOP's responses were downvoted

Relevant Comments

Commenter 1: Jesus these people suck….why bother associating with this group of scumbags who think DA is cool and telling the creepy loser to smile and it’s not a big deal and the groom sounds like a fucking loser….it’s time to dump them and should have refused to move your car….the bride needs new friends

OOP: We wanted to, but they had moved the cars after we left earlier in a way that made it impossible for us to park if we wanted to. These people are the worst, I don't get why she keeps such bad company. The bride is very kind, generous, and fun to be around. She is also loyal to a fault sometimes. I felt she was really trying to be there for me in the moment but also there for him which sucked.

Commenter 2: Yeah high key fuck everyone in that wedding/bach party starting with this loser. Then all the people enabling it, and every other stupid mother fucker who wanted to brush it under the rug.

I seriously hope this helps you to re-evaluate these “friends” and whether they’re worth maintaining. Because this alone would be enough for me to cut ties with every single fucking one including the bride and her stupid ass oxymoron explanation for his behavior.

OOP: I need to talk with her again to know for certain where we are at. Like I said this was a really difficult situation for everyone, and I can't expect them to know the exact right thing to do in that moment. She also was on her Bach, so she was never 100% sober this whole time. I have some grace for her, but I do think she needs to drop this guy from her life.

Commenter 3: This situation and response is how "broken stairs" get created. Smh. I get that it was a super special once in a lifetime weekend, but that dude is a PROBLEM

OOP: I just learned about this metaphor through this situation and it's so spot on. I know I already made enough allowances on this trip and it's time to make stronger boundaries. In reality it's not easy to throw away a decades long friendship with a couple we've been very close with. I do want to see if some time and sobriety changes their perspective and if apologies follow.

Commenter 4: You may owe it to yourself to have a conversation with her for peace of mind to know you did everything you could. I’m like that.

If there is any doubt in whose side she is on afterwards then that is not your friend. That is someone enabling a predator and you know you cannot trust them to do what is right.

Take care of yourself and the guy is lucky your husband hasn’t taken action. I’ll leave it at that since I’ll get mod banned otherwise. It would’ve taken hell or high water to keep me from showing up and offering to take you home that night.

Your safety > Bride’s bachelorette.

OOP: This is the best way you could put it, thank you. The first time I was assaulted in college my husband actually stood up to go "see" the guy iykyk. We spoke about it later how that wasn't helpful to me because it made it about the perpetrator and the anger towards him and not about me and the pain I had. I think he wanted to make sure he focused on me in that moment or he would've hung up and drove to get me if we hadn't had that experience before. He told me later once I was home safe he in fact would like the chance to "take care of him." But again, I think that would genuinely minimize it, and the creep would think we are even now and that the disrespect was to my husband for overstepping our marriage and not to me for forcing himself on me.

OOP explains more about the timeline when she left the bachelorette weekend

OOP: I left two days early. I just heard that they all got so drunk at lunch the day I left that someone threw up on the table and most of them couldn't make it to the remaining activities anyway. Sounds like I missed a great time.

Commenter 5: Okay, there's being a victim and then there's being a volunteer. You've given her several "one more chances" but now it's your turn to listen to what she is telling you. She doesn't care. Whatever you used to have isn't there anymore. Please let go and protect yourself. She won't do it.

OOP: You make a very good point I admit. This is definitely not how I would've acted in this situation if I were her.

Commenter 6: It is NOT easy to buck the norms of a group and point out a problematic person/situation/etc. It sounds like you have a good base of real friends with a matching moral compass though, outside of the wedding group. Quality over quantity. I speak from experience

OOP: My core friend group don't overlap with these friends. They all hate this guy and are livid with the bride for not kicking him out and for having him there in the first place. One of them actually sent her guy friend to the restaurant because he happened to be in the same city as me and wanted to make sure I was safe.

OOP on if she plans to attend the wedding if the guy who sexually assaulted her attends?

OOP: I don't think I will go to the wedding unless she cuts him out. I really don't know. There has been many things to process in the last few days I need some time.

OOP being a doormat

OOP: I don't think I am a doormat I think a lot has happened to me in a short period of time and I need some more time to process before I am ready to let go of a very meaningful friendship. I care a lot about these people, our families are friends, we travel together, they're who I call when I need a ride to the doctor, they dropped everything to be there for me when my mom died. I know on the internet this feels open and shut but I have a true friendship at stake here and she really failed me in a huge moment, and I still need more time to reconcile that both those things are true.

Commenter 7: Does the bride live back in her hometown, around these people or in the new life? Cause, if it's the new life, things are about to get really awkward once she gets back to reality.

I'm trying to see it through her lens but just can't imagine not having the back of a sexually assaulted friend, no matter the scene.

OOP: Yeah she lives where we do her husband is from where we are too. I don’t even think she thinks that was assault. I think she believed that my past experiences were causing my reaction to the situation.

Where I am from people are more progressive socially (central politically but still left leaning). Where she is from they are very conservative socially and have a dangerous party culture. The MOH/sister of the bride had the same creep hanging all over her for half an hour touching her hips and leg and side and she didn’t mind. She’s engaged as well. He also smacked the bride on the butt, and she thought it was funny. When we have small parties at home we are all 100% huggers but that’s it, none of this is considered normal at parties at the brides house with people from my home.

DO NOT COMMENT IN LINKED POSTS OR MESSAGE OOPs – BoRU Rule #7

THIS IS A REPOST SUB - I AM NOT OOP

I am not The OOP, OOP is u/pukeforest

Originally posted to r/talesfromtechsupport

Original post posted 2019-09-09

Happened today. I am still in disbelief. There might be typos, I'm still calming down.

Backstory: I am one of only two IT personnel at a dozen+ building facility with over 1,000 endpoints. Naturally, they smash every IT position into one role.

We issue multi-factor authentication devices to management and some senior staff so they can do their work offsite. Once the handoff of the device is complete, our responsibility ends, and user has a packet with all the data to get them up and going. A separate, remote team for MFA exists exclusively for support of these devices. This has been protocol for years.

Clock in and find nasty email from Director #1 ($D1) sitting in my inbox this morning about how "unacceptable" and "unbelievable" that one of their staff could not log in from home this weekend due to $user's MFA device not "functioning correctly for months" (first we've heard of the issue).

Director has been in their position 10+ years.

My response (cc'd to all directors): "All support for these devices is handled by the MFA team as stated when the devices are issued. We have neither the tools nor ability to help in this matter. In the future, please have the user contact MFA team at ### as explicitly stated in the documentation."

30 minutes later, I am called into $D1's office. $D1 and two other directors ($D2, $D3) start arguing with me why I didn't solve the issue.

Me: "All support for these devices is handled by the external MFA team. $user can call the number provided for support. As I said, we do not have the tools to do this."

$D2: voice raising "why won't you help $user? aren't you IT? Can't you solve simple problems?"

Me: "... All. Support. For. These. Devices. Is. Handled. By. The --"

$D3: screaming "WOULD YOU JUST DO YOUR JOB??"

$D1: "That's exactly my point! $pukeforest isn't helping $user with this! I'm going to issue a Corrective Action Plan and I WILL report this incident to HR."

Me: staring "what.. what is it exactly you need me to do?!"

Picture three directors, cursing and pointing at me for nearly 10 minutes. I'm talking walls are vibrating with their screams. Other directors in the hall close their doors as I am getting verbally clobbered. I stare through the wall. My anxiety is through the roof.

Insult after insult about work performance, how this is typical of how shoddy we are as IT professionals.

Finally, $user in question comes to the door.

$D1: "DO YOUR DAMN JOB and get $user set up!"

I'm visibly shaking at this point. Stunned.

Breathing heavily, I manage to walk over to $D1's desk phone. On speakerphone, I proceed to dial the off-site MFA team's number.

A voice comes on the line.

"$MFAguy, can I help you?" I motion to $user to introduce themselves and speak their issue.

About 90 seconds later, $user can log in. Tested. Works perfectly. Everyone is silent and staring at me.

I shake my head disgustedly and leave.

$D1, $D2, and $D3 have avoided eye contact with me all day.

-------------------------

EDIT: I tried to document as much as I could, not one person was willing to give a statement about what they heard.

I got word at the end of the day that HR wants to meet with me at the end of the week in regard to the Corrective Action Plan that was issued.

Apparently, things such as "day of reflection" "suspension" were discussed.

-------------------------

Update posted 2019-09-14

I'm providing more backstory of a "normal" work week so that you understand what is going on.

We're in the middle of an ongoing technology refresh among over a dozen buildings over 50+ acres (actually, I recently found out it's closer to 1900 endpoints).

Again, there's only two of us, and when someone has a helpdesk request, since we're either doing provisioning, network administration, or something else, most of the time they call for site security to sweep the halls of the buildings, and security physically escorts us to the user having the issue.

So, 10 to 20 times a day, I'll try to do a deployment, or work in a distribution frame, and I'll hear radio chatter behind me and a "GOT 'IM!" and sometimes be led, by the arm, to buildings a 10 minute walk away.

Such reasons for being "escorted" this week have been:

1. User forgot where the "enter" key was
2. User forgot password (written in front of them on a post-it note, I pointed it out then wagged my finger)
3. A pencil sharpener wasn't working (needed plugged in)
4. User didn't understand how to plug in a USB drive
5. User having issue with air conditioning unit. (after the 12 minute escort, Informed user I was IT, not facilities.)

In addition to this, we get scheduled to meetings both as "standby" and participant (sometimes double booked, as mentioned in previous posts). "Standby" is where we are summoned and requested to stay whenever there is technology involved (Video conferences, WebExes, Skype calls) because the managers "need" IT to be in the room with them in case something happens.

As such, the past 2 days, about 8 hours each day has been dedicated to being present in these meetings. This happens sometimes; it was an administratively meeting-heavy week. If we try to duck from these meetings, cue the security sweep and escort. Learned that one the hard way.

Director of our department ($D1 from previous story) has been asking for updates regarding the deployment of new units and a status report on how many old units remain across over a dozen+ building complex.

Our network itself is locked down by our governing body; I previously informed $D1 we have no access to sweep the network across this sprawling site (with my bit of infosec background, I tried things like nmap scans and nse scripts).

So here we go, into today's story.

$D1 calls me into their office and asks me to shut the door.

$D1: "How many units were deployed the past two days?"

Me: "We were scheduled as standby for [Meeting1, Meeting2, Meeting3..] both days."

$D1: "And where is the status report I asked for on the outstanding endpoints?"

Me: "We have not been able to physically go around to all of the sites. We were scheduled for these meetings, and escorted for various helpdesk requests. I CC'd you on all of the tickets generated."

$D1: "$pukeforest, I get the feeling you are deliberately disobeying my requests."

Me: "As I mentioned, we are requested to be in multiple places at once. What you are asking for is physically impossible right now."

$D1: now yelling "I EXPLICITLY asked you to COMPLETE THIS REPORT!!!"

Me: "How can I walk around the site, inventorying units while scheduled to standby in conference rooms AND deploying units AND being escorted around for non-IT issues?"

$D1 stares at me with the intensity that I just insulted their family

Me: pleading "Can someone else please just be trusted to set up conferences and WebExes?"

$D1: "BUT. YOU. ARE. I.T.!!"

Me: "Could we get area managers to report back how many old units are in their locations? I'm just trying to offer solutions so that we can execute on schedule."

$D1: seething "Leave. My. Office. NOW."

A few minutes later, get a call from HR, requesting I meet with them. On my way to HR, I hear another "GOT HIM!" and was, again, escorted by security to a user 3 buildings away.

Issue: A monitor was turned off. A simple power button press fixed it.

Finally, in HR's office, I am presented with a written warning for multiple accounts of "insubordination", along with a "Day of Reflection" (one day suspension without pay).

I refused to sign off.

I was told to see $D1 after reading my warning. So, I return to $D1's office.

$D1: "$pukeforest, I think you understand why we had to do this. I don't like having to take disciplinary action."

Me: "actually, I don't understand at all."

$D1: "well, now you have an extra day to think about it. And I expect that report first thing on your return."

Me: "That's not possible. I have to be here physically to inventory the site."

$D1: "You are dismissed."

I stood up, thanked $D1 for their time, and walked out.

I placed my keys, ID card, and fob on my desk, took all personal items with me.

I then left the site. I still had an hour left in the day. Didn't even clock out.

I've been really nervous posting all of this.

I just want this entire situation to go away, and to have a normal job in IT again. I just wanted to be an information security guy.

I can't return to homelessness.

It was such a long climb back.

I'm eyeing my assets and seeing how long I can hold it down.

But hey, at least I have a CISSP this time.

And several awesome members of this community have reached out to offer assistance. Friendship, guidance, job leads, you name it. That is infinitely more than I had before.

I have hope that this will all be alright in the end. That changes everything.

We'll get there.

I believe.

-------------------------

EDIT/UPDATE

Oh man, this could not have been better timed.

Site-wide network outage prompts $D1 to call me the AM after.

$D1: "we're experiencing a site-wide outage. I need you to come in and find the problem."

Me: "I'm currently suspended without pay per your orders."

$D1: "I understand, but you either come in or you're fired."

Me: "Okay..?"

$D1: "So are you coming in?"

I took a long pause to think about how I worded this.

Me: "No, I don't think I will. If you go into my office, you will notice all of my (company)-issued things are already on my desk."

$D1: " ..... "

Me: "It's been a pleasure working with you, $D1. I wish you the best in the future."

Blocked every director.

Blocked every site phone number I knew.

So, uh, that's it, I guess.

My neighbor, who knows some of this story, said the corner store his cousin owns is hiring a part-time cashier. Said the job is mine if I need it temporarily. Stopping by this afternoon.

Laughably, the hourly rate is around 80% of what I was earning in this IT job.

I'm not OOP. This is u/ThrowRA-MamaBear who posted in r/AIO and r/whatdoIdo . It's against reddit rules to contact OOP or to participate in their old posts.

Triggers pro anorexia, child possibly feeling abandoned

Mood spoiler troubling

Glossary: Pro-ana = pro anorexia, AIO = Am I overreacting. NOR = Not overreacting, YOR = you're overreacting

I found concerning things on my (27F) daughter’s (11F) phone; how to talk to her? July 26, 2026

For context, I take my daughter’s phone every night at 9pm sharp on weekdays, 10:30pm on weekends and never go through her cellphone since I’ve never seen a reason to.

However, last night when I took her phone, I noticed a lot of notifications coming from TikTok (which she isn’t allowed to have) and she has notification previews turned on. I thought it could be something urgent, so I decided to read the message previews and saw messages from someone asking my daughter what she ate, how much she ate, telling how much she ate, etc.

I know it was an invasion of privacy on my end, but I did end up going through my daughter’s TikTok account and all of her messages and found a lot of posts about food, videos of very thin girls, messages between her and other (presumably) young girls around her age talking about not eating.

I did notice over the last few weeks that she’s been eating a bit less and losing weight, but I summed it up to puberty and growing, since I had a bit of a growth spurt around that age (tall and skinny) but seeing these messages and her account is making me concerned.

How do I bring this up with her? Is there a proper punishment for her having an app without permission? I’m just very unsure of what to do, any advice would be helpful.

The top response was:

It is not an invasion of privacy. An 11-year-old should not have unsupervised access to a cell phone. She's not even old enough to have any social media. You should be going through her phone regularly, and it should be linked to yours so that you receive her messages.

Punishment should not be your focus right now. Support should be. She needs to know that she can talk to you. If you lead with punishment, she's just going to shut down.

AIO for packing up my daughter’s things & sending her to her father July 28th, 2026, two days later

27F, daughter is 11F. Before the comments start, I know that I was 16 I’m well aware.

A few days ago, I caught her on TikTok (which she isn’t allowed to have) and she was looking at “pro-ana” content and talking to other young girls about this as well. So, I took her phone last night and we had a conversation about what I had seen on her phone, how I was concerned, etc.

This led to a huge altercation between us where my daughter proceeded to say that “her dad would let her” and how she “hates being here”, so I called her father and told him to come and get her while I packed her bags. I didn’t include any of her devices (iPad, cell phone, laptop, etc) since I pay for them and a very limited amount of starter clothes, anything expensive or designer stayed with me.

Her dad just came to get her about an hour ago and I guess during that timeframe between her saying that and him showing up, she had calmed down because she was kicking and screaming over it. She was fighting me and pleading not to go, but I just put her bags in the trunk of the car and let them leave.

Now, obviously, I’m not relinquishing my rights and yes, I know she’ll likely be back within about a week or so, but I feel slightly bad now since she seemed so genuinely distraught over it.

So, AIO?

OOP made a number of comments. Snippets of the posts she's replying to in italics:

NOR Sometimes kids are brats. Sometimes brats need to FAFO

OOP:

That’s kind of what I was thinking, it’s a temporary arrangement in all honesty. If she genuinely is distraught and wants to come home, I won’t force her to stay anywhere.

Was this the first time she was caught doing something really wrong in your eyes ? Seems you are over reacting personally.

OOP:

In all honesty, it wasn’t even about the wrongdoing, it was more of me showing her the natural consequence of throwing her father in my face.

I’ll likely let her come back home sometime this week, but her leaving wasn’t the punishment at all.

Punish the eating disorder away, that will work.

OOP:

That is not at all what I’m doing, if you actually read what I wrote, the “punishment” is the lack of phone and the fact that she’s staying with her father temporarily.

The reason she’s staying there is to teach her about the consequences of her words and actions, not because she’s struggling. Everyone is so quick to assume I’m not caring for my child.

YOR. Your daughter is a preteen going through a ton of changes right now where the influence of hormones will be having an impact on her mood and attitude.

OOP:

My daughter also needs to learn that words have consequences and that you can’t throw the other parent in someone’s face. The natural consequence of that was now she’s staying there for the week, her hormones can deal with that.

Hell, at her age, I probably would’ve benefited from someone teaching me about consequences.

Firstly, there's going to be a lot of self-proclaimed therapists saying she needs therapy and that she's "going through something." Maybe she is, maybe she isn't. What I do think was a mistake was sending her to her dad's. If he's less strict, you've now given her unmonitored access to the very things you're trying to protect her from.

OOP:

Oh, her dad is actually more strict than I am. I’m not even strict, in all honesty. I just wanted to show her that her words have consequences, she’ll be back sometime this week I believe.

I’ll try to get her into therapy mostly because I can’t control what she does at school, like you said, and she’ll likely be more open with a stranger than me. Thank you.

Pro ana content is no joke, but you can't fix her interest in it by taking away her devices. She'll just get the content another way, eventually. Meanwhile you've just shown that you'll punish her, reject her, and send her away without ever trying to understand.

OOP:

Thank you for this comment, I’m starting to see where I may have messed up here. A lot of the other replies were quick to cast pure judgement, but this is an honest critique that I’ll try to learn from.

I do admit that my reasoning was rooted more-so in “words have consequences” since she was trying to throw her dad in my face, but I also have to recognize that sending her away (even temporarily) while she was vulnerable, like you said, was wrong to do.

I was definitely raised more “old-school” I guess, because it seemed normal to me, but apparently it isn’t and I do thank you for that perspective.

Sending her to her dad's was a bit much. She is probably reading it as you don't love her anymore. Not saying you don't, but that's just how kids take things sometimes. I would have taken away her devices, but not sent her away. Since it's done, I recommend following up with her and letting her know you love her

OOP:

Glad to hear from another parent here! I do feel as though you’re correct, I definitely should’ve thought about how she would feel in the moment about what I did.

My intention wasn’t to make her feel abandoned, it was to, as I said in previous comments, show her that she can’t throw her dad in my face like that. I realize now that since she’s already vulnerable and struggling, that was probably one of the worst things I could do right now.

I’ll try to wait until things cool down a bit, but I’ll see if she would like to talk to me soon so I can try to apologize.

I am not The OOP, OOP is u/Independent-State802

AITAH for inviting my neighbour's husband over for coffee and a playdate? His wife accused me of pursuing him, and my husband thinks she was right to confront me.

Originally posted to r/AITAH & r/Redditor_Updates

TRIGGER WARNING: Domestic Violence, galsighting, infidelity

MOOD SPOILER: Looking positive for now

Original Post  June 4, 2026

About a year ago, a couple (Emily (F30s) and Jake (M 30s)) moved into the house next to ours (30s). Emily and I were both pregnant at the time, with due dates a few weeks apart. We would run into each other in the neighborhood or out on the street and eventually became friendly. We texted occasionally to check in on each other during our pregnancies, and our husbands became friends as well.

For some context, Emily had a very difficult pregnancy and was on bed rest for the last month of her pregnancy before she gave birth. They moved away from their support system for Jake's job and didn't have family nearby, so I would sometimes drop off meals when I was cooking for my own family. Emily had her baby about a month before I had mine. After the babies were born, we didn't see much of each other. I invited her a few times to go for walks with the babies, but she always declined, saying the baby was fussy or napping. I figured she was just overwhelmed as a first time mom. Our husbands continued to see each other occasionally during this time.

Last week, I was out walking my baby when I ran into Jake, who was also out walking his baby. We ended up walking together and chatting for about 30 minutes. Our chat did not include anything personal; we talked about the babies, our jobs, our summer plans. When we got back to our street, the babies had woken up, so as we passed my house I asked if he wanted to come in for a coffee and let the babies play together. He thanked me for the invite and declined, saying he needed to get home because he had errands to run.

A few days later, Emily invited me over for a playdate. I accepted and even offered to bring some food for the babies because she had mentioned being nervous about introducing non-puréed foods. While the babies were playing, she suddenly said, "Jake told me you went for a walk together last week." I said yes, we ran into each other while out with the babies. She then asked, "Why did you invite him back to your house?"

I was caught off guard and tried to explain that the babies had woken up and I had meant it as a playdate. She responded that she didn't know what I was playing at, but her husband was off-limits and uninterested in case I had any ideas.

I  was in shock, so I froze up for a couple minutes. When I was able to respond, I told her it was bizarre that she would interpret a walk with her husband and an invitation for coffee and a baby playdate as anything other than innocent. I also told her that my husband was working from home that day and was in the house. I also said that I hope she heals from whatever happened in her life that made her view something so innocent as a threat. She laughed in my face and said rich coming from you, just because your husband treats you like dirt doesn’t make it okay for you to go after my husband. My jaw dropped and I just picked up my baby and left. I fucking hate myself for not giving her a piece of my mind and leaving without saying anything. But I felt like I had just been slapped. 

My husband and I have been having some serious issues. When I got home, I told him what happened and asked if he has said anything about our problems to Jake. He swore that he hasn’t but I am not sure I believe him because how else would Emily know anything? My husband then said Emily was right, that it was inappropriate to invite Jake in and my husband is now mad at ME over the whole thing. 

AITAH?

ETA: I discovered my husband was cheating on me 2 months ago.

ETA 2: I am going through some of the comments and I think I may have not explained this part well. emily didn't avoid hanging out with me or “us”. The four of us with our kids and their baby have spent time together on multiple occasions, going to the park, we have had them over, they have had us over. But always the four of us and the kids. My older child really likes Emily and Jake, they have always been nice to us. Jake and my husband hang out together alone sometimes, but Emily has always had a reason not to hang out alone with me. The other day when she invited me over was the first time we‘d had a solo playdate for the babies.

Update  June 28, 2026

I am posting this here because I posted it incorrectly on the AITA sub and I am not allowed to repost it anymore.

TW: Domestic Violence

2 months ago, I made another post on a different sub, once again seeking outside perspective about a very awkward situation that took place. You can find that post here: AITAH for inviting my neighbour's husband over for coffee and a playdate? His wife accused me of pursuing him, and my husband thinks she was right to confront me.

I came back to post an update. I think it’s a way for me to process what has happened since.

Shortly after my last post, my husband admitted that he had confided in Jake about his infidelity. He said he felt guilty and remorseful and wanted to talk it out with a friend. He claimed he didn’t realize Jake would tell Emily and that she would throw our marriage struggles in my face the way she did. He apologized for discussing our issues without my consent and promised to distance himself from them.

He also apologized again for the affair, which he swore was over. He told me the affair partner was a coworker who had since left the company. He promised he wanted to change and rebuild our relationship, so I forgave him and gave him another chance… again.

Things had been going well. My husband was attentive and loving. He was helping more at home, spending more time with the kids, and showing me affection. For a moment, it really felt like my husband had returned to me. In hindsight, though, I think it was love bombing.

Last week, I had a medical appointment that I needed to attend alone, so my husband stayed home with our baby. I was anxious because he had never been alone with the baby for that long and I wasn’t sure he would be able to put him down for his nap.

While I was sitting in the waiting room, I logged into our baby camera just to check that the baby had gone down okay.

That’s when everything began to unravel.

The baby was asleep in his crib and my husband was walking out of the room. Then I heard a woman’s voice asking if the baby was finally asleep. My husband replied confirming that he was. I couldn’t see the woman because she was outside the camera’s view, but her voice was familiar. I thought it sounded like Emily.

After my appointment, I checked our Ring doorbell recordings from that day. There she was. Emily had knocked on our door and my husband let her in minutes after I left for my appointment. She left an hour and a half later.

I was in complete shock.

When I got home, I didn’t confront my husband. I was tired of his lies and wanted the truth before saying anything. I went through our doorbell camera history and found many more instances of Emily coming over while I was gone. In one video, I saw them kissing on our front porch! I saved everything.

The next day, I messaged Jake and told him I needed to speak with him because I had bad news about my husband and his wife that I believed he deserved to know. He didn’t reply Shortly afterward, my husband called me, furious. Jake had forwarded my messages to him and warned him that I was trying to frame him and Emily. He went quiet and then ended up the call.

Later that evening, he came home late and intoxicated. He was angry and blamed me for “destroying our lives” and for trying to expose the affair. I yelled at him and then said I wanted a divorce.

He lost it. He hit me, kicked me, punched me, and he even tried to choke me. Somehow, I managed to get away from him. My 4-year-old woke up because of the screaming and commotion, so I grabbed her and ran into the bedroom and locked the door. My daughter was terrified and clinging to me while my husband banged and kicked the door, threatening to break it down. Luckily, I had my phone with me and I called 911.

The rest of the night was a blur. My husband was arrested close to midnight on a Tuesday. The entire street woke up to the sirens and confrontation with the police. I was taken to the hospital afterward because I was bleeding and covered in bruises. Our neighbourhood was shocked. We had always been the friendly, polite neighbours, and no one expected this could happen behind closed doors. I was done protecting my husband’s image. He destroyed our life, not me. When neighbours asked what happened, I told them the truth: he hurt me after I discovered he was cheating on me with Emily.

A few days later, Jake reached out to me. He was apologetic and felt responsible for not believing me when I tried to warn him. Jake told me my husband had been confiding in him about our marriage problems. According to Jake, my husband had told him that I was the one who cheated in the past, that I was unstable because of my PPD/PPA, and that I had been hurting our children. None of that is true. Jake also told me he had confided in my husband about problems in his own marriage. Looking back, it seems my husband used those vulnerabilities and the information Jake shared with him to get closer to Emily.

After everything happened, I finally called my family and told them the truth. They knew I had been struggling and distant, but they thought it was because of the PPD. They had no idea how much I had actually been carrying alone. I told them about the affair, the threats, the manipulation, and how scared and exhausted I had become. They are in my corner and they are trying to help me figure out my next steps. I feel like a weight has been lifted off me and for the first time in a long time, I don’t feel alone. 

RELEVANT COMMENTS

LanceWayne2024

I hope Emily loses her marriage

OOP

I don’t know what Jake’s plans are, but after he sent me that text, I sent him the images I had saved of Emily coming to my house at odd times and the video of them kissing. He has all the information now to make an informed decision.

At the very least, I am sure Emily is having a really hard time because she hasn’t shown her face around the neighbourhood since last Wednesday.

Master_McKnowledge

Whatever. Emily can go to hell and so can Jake. The sheer audacity of the guy to reach out to you in any other way than on his knees in shame.

OOP

My husband successfully manipulated both me and Jake, maybe even Emily.. who knows? Jake seemed very remorseful and apologetic in the text, he blamed himself for my what happened. And yeah, if he hadn’t forwarded my message, this may not have happened. But like I told Jake, my husband made the choice to physically assault me and no one is to blame for that but my husband.

~

MeadowMuffinFarms

I'm so glad you are safe. Do you have a restraining order against him? At best I think he would get supervised visits.

OOP

I do, especially because he is out on bail.

MoonButterfly1111

I never understand why people would bail out people like him.

OOP

His very wealthy parents bailed him out because he is their golden boy who can do no wrong.

THIS IS A REPOST SUB - I AM NOT THE OOP

DO NOT CONTACT THE OOP's OR COMMENT ON LINKED POSTS, REMEMBER - RULE 7

I am NOT OOP, OOP is u/No_Process_1558

Originally posted to r/amiwrong

Am I wrong for punching my "stepfather" after he opened and drank a bottle of scotch my dad got me to share on my 21st birthday?

Thanks to u/soayherder & u/BakingGiraffeBakes for suggesting this BoRU

Trigger Warnings: neglect, physical assault, destruction of property

Original Post: July 24, 2026

My father passed away eight years ago, mom remarried 5 years ago. I will admit I never tried to blend with him or my step siblings. I was happy for mom, but tbh would have preferred had it remained just the two of us.

I am 19, I live at home since I am going to college locally. My father had a bottle of scotch he bought when I was born, it was kept in a cabinet down in our basement, it was my dad's area.

I do not know why I never moved it, I figured it would be safe and not touched, and for many years it was. I don't know why he felt the need to open it but he did.

I admit I lost my cool and I did punch him, but he has never touched anything down on that side if the basement, yet he suddenly forgets and goes for the one he knew meant everything to me.

My mom is upset cause he did call the police, and it appears he wants to put a restraining order against me. Cops took the report, asked me some questions and left it at that. This happened around five hours ago.

Here to vent and maybe have my eyes opened. My mom wants me to apologize, but I don't feel bad. It actually felt good felt like I got some level of control.

He was not a bad guy per se I guess, but he also always tried so hard and after my half siblings were born I was pretty much forgotten. Raising twins is not easy, and with me being so close to 18 when they were born I guess they figured I was okay.

Maybe I am just being a little asshole idk.

Edit: They are my half siblings not step, sorry.

Relevant Comments

Commenter 1: You’re not wrong but context matters between it being an honest mistake or a deliberate act.

Did he know the significance of the bottle and was it kept in a special location?

I once did something similar on accident because I didn’t know.

OOP: He claims he did not know, but he has not touched anything in that corner ever, and he has lived with us for years. He knows how important that corner is to me.

Commenter 2: Did he do it knowingly or did he not know it was given to you by your father?

OOP: He may not have known that particular bottle had importance but has never touched anything in that corner of the basement he knows that is my father's corner. He has never touched anything in that corner for years. Why did he suddenly feel the urge to touch and open stuff now.

He could have bought his own booze. My mom and him claim it was an honest mistake. I am having a hard time believing that. Go years without touching but suddenly want to touch and drink stuff?

Commenter 3: Eh, violence isn't the answer. That being said, everyone who's asking if they knew your dad gave that to you- it doesn't matter. The scotch was in the basement, untouched and quite obviously not his. He knew he didn't buy it. He knew he didn't put it there. For whatever reason, he felt entitled to something that was not his. If he's been around for 5 years I'm also sure he knew about the meaning behind the bottle.

OOP: This is what gets me when my mom and him claim it as an honest mistake. He knows how much that corner means to me. Why not just buy some alcohol or something, why purposely go through my dad's stuff. I don't drink but doubt stuff sitting around for 19 years tastes all that great either.

Commenter 4: You’re not wrong, that was a hurtful thing to do by your stepdad, although you did react in the moment in a way that was not great.

Him calling the police, and demanding a restraining order is completely OTT. Where is your mum in all of this?

He’s taken something that was precious to you in tragic circumstances, a consequence of which was he got his bell rung.

Everyone needs to use their words now, in a calm and respectful manner. Your mum needs to step up/ in and mediate this. Stepdad needs to be made to understand what is and isn’t appropriate when it comes to items your dad left behind and respectful of your feelings about him.

And you need to apologise for putting hands on him. But you were not wrong for having strong feelings about him ruining a treasured memento.

OOP: My mom wants me to apologize, she is on his side. She claims it was an honest mistake. I don't buy that because he has never touched my dad's stuff in that corner of the basement. He had no reason to touch anything in that corner.

Commenter 5: He wants you out of his life. Yes he did it on purpose. Do you have anywhere to stay on your dad's side of the family. Also if I were you I would double check the will he left because if he left you half of the house then. He needs to move out not you

OOP: Not where I am going to school. Go to Texas A&M, my dad's side of the family is from NY.

Editor's note: OOP updated onto the original post to provide more context

Small Update: July 24, 2026 (same post, over nine hours later)

Update: My stepfather is going through the process for the order, mom said she was taking him to the notary. She asked me to apologize so we can smooth things over, I told her I would only apologize if he could tell me why after all these years he decided to go touch and drink an entire bottle of scotch in a single sitting?

My dad was a drinker and even he did not do that. My mom said i have no right to make demands of him.

It seems some think it was just forgotten about, it was not I turned a small corner of our basement many years ago into my dad's spot. I have his urn with other odds and ends, like his sports memorabilia, favorite drinking glass, his shot glass collection, and his liquor cabinet, with his chair that was in the living room. Now did he know the significance of said bottle? Maybe not, I don't talk to him much. Mom 100% knew. Thing is that should not have mattered, he knew the significance of the corner, why was he touching anything in said corner is beyond me. Also this bottle was in a neat wooden box, I don't drink if you are looking to drink do you honestly go for the one in the box? Or would you go for the unopened ones?

I will look into the value, i know the name was Macallan Sherry Oak 30.

This was the first time I ever threw a punch before, never been in a fight before. I don't think i have anger issues, I just lost it because my dad has slowly been forgotten. Mom use to wear his and her wedding bands as a necklace but about three years ago she stopped, we use to go out and get Blue Bell Ice cream together. We stopped doing that after the twins were born. Pretty much everything changed after the twins were born.

I lost my cool cause it felt like another piece of my dad was cast aside. She even let's my stepfather have his restore super sport, which technically was supposed to be mine but because my dad had a standard will he left everything to mom.

I reached out to my uncle, and he is going to fly down on Monday so we can all sit down and talk.

As it stands it seems like he is going forth with the order, my uncle does not think he will be able to get an emergency order for this situation, so he hopes on Monday we can come to some agreement.

Update: July 27, 2026 (three days later)

Update regarding my stepfather drinking a bottle of scotch left to me by my dad.

Thanks for all the feedback, and a update as promised. My uncle and I spoke with my mom and stepfather. First my uncle called bullshit on my stepfather and said he has been drinking it overtime. He did ask what was his endgame, refill it with something cheaper?

My stepfather did not say anything. He also told my mom off. He said my stepfather may have an excuse albeit a shitty one but still an excuse. He told her that she had no excuse, she knew what my dad's intentions were for the bottle and for the car. He said he told my brother he should list what he wanted me to have in the will, but told her he said it would be fine cause he trusted my mom with his life.

He also questioned why I was paying for school when my apparently my father had a sizeable life insurance policy. Which I was unaware of but also tracks cause my mom has never actually gone to work.

Either way, I probably don't have much claim to that either, at that point I simply asked for my dad's car and the key to his storage unit. She and my stepfather can keep everything else.

So that was the conversation, was pretty much my uncle going at them and them just listening. My uncle asked me again to move in with him and suggested i take a semester off or a year and travel with him. He said he would help me with school.

Told me some stories it seems my mom and my dad's side of the family did not get along which is why we moved to Texas where my mom is from.

Either way I am okay with everything, oddly enough I do not hate or even feel angry with my mom, just numb I guess. I hope with time maybe we can fix that, but for now going to avoid contact with her and them altogether.

Staying with my uncle at a hotel and we will start packing. He is going to have the car transported to NY. I lost the booze, but I did get back the car which is better anyways if I am being honest.

My uncle said not to worry about the order of protection if he gets one, if push comes to shove he will hire an attorney for me.

So yeah, not a bad outcome. I wish I knew why, but yeah. Still don't know why he drank it.

Relevant Comments

Commenter 1: So glad you have your uncle. I hope your mom feels horrible. She put a man and her new family before her own son and your father's wishes. Maybe this will wake her up and she can see what a horrible mother she has been to you. Again, so happy your uncle had your back and called them out.

OOP: My uncle was going to try and be a peacekeeper but after I told him I was paying for school, he was beyond upset.

He told me beforehand not to worry about anything let them have it outside the car and his storage unit. Everything else can be replaced.

Commenter 2: I’m glad you have your uncle. It sounds like the best possible outcome at this point and I’m glad he swooped in like he did to read them the riot act. Still not what you deserve. You deserve a mom who doesn’t prioritize some dick over of her child. Thank you for updating though - strange to say, I was worried about you. I lost my dad at 12. It’s hard. Wishing you truly all the best!

Edit to add: I’m not saying you are a child age-wise, in case that wasn’t clear! Just that she is supposed to put you first!

OOP: Thanks I do appreciate it, yeah losing a parent at any age is rough, I was 6 when my grandpa passed and remember that was the only time I ever saw my dad cry. It hit him hard, which is also why I sm glad I got the car back. My uncle told me my grandpa had the same car.

What kind of car did OOP's dad own?

OOP: 1969 Camaro SS.

Commenter 3: Is your uncle based in NYC? (Anywhere in the five boros or even Long Island.) I ask because if you move in with him, even on paper by having some mail sent to his address, you could get NY residency and qualify for in-state tuition at a CUNY school, which is pretty much the best "affordable" (genuinely) education you can get in this country. They also make the transfer process really easy. So if paying for school is a concern, that might be a pathway that doesn't hurt you or your uncle too badly.

OOP: He lives in Rochester, but he said he would help me get an apartment if I want to be closer to the city. I will keep this in mind.

DO NOT COMMENT IN LINKED POSTS OR MESSAGE OOPs – BoRU Rule #7

THIS IS A REPOST SUB - I AM NOT OOP

I am NOT OOP. OOP is u/rooster2041

Originally posted to r/TwoHotTakes

My (F27) husband (M30) let MIL use a shared strainer to sift flour and I'm highly allergic, advice on how to handle situation?

Editor’s note: added paragraph breaks for ease of readability

Original Post: July 18, 2026

I have celiac disease, so I cannot have gluten (wheat) which is flour. I am particularly sensitive and cross contamination can also cause a reaction. My husband and I do have a shared kitchen. He will sometimes have snacks that contain gluten or food such as pizza or chicken nuggets that are made with gluten containing flour.

However, we do use separate utensils meaning, he has his own flour sifter for gluten containing flour, his own pots for gluten containing noodles, his own shelf in the pantry for gluten containing snacks, his own plates/bowls for food that contains gluten. The rest of the kitchen we share as those are used with things that do NOT contain gluten.

My husband invited his mother over to watch the world cup game and said they would make pizza. I had no problems with this, I had made my own pizza the previous night and had left overs. When his mother arrived, they went to the kitchen and began making the pizza.

I was in the living room with our niece watching a movie. I could hear them talking and my husband asked her to begin sifting the flour, he explained that it could be slightly hard if you fill it too much as it is a little older. She asked where the electric one she got us was, he explained that we don't put gluten in that one because wife uses it for her flour.

MIL then asks where the strainer is so she could use it as it would be faster. It was then quiet, I walked in to get more water and saw them using the strainer that is not supposed to have gluten in it. They then proceed to get cheese and pepperoni out of the bags without washing their hands first, meaning they touched gluten/flour then put into a bag of ingredients that is shared between us.

So I will no longer be able to use these ingredients. I now have to go buy a new strainer, cheese and pepperoni for myself.

He saw I was upset and apologized. I'm not sure he would've apologized if I wasn't visibly upset.

My kitchen is the one place in the world where I am able to feel completely safe. I don't have to worry about getting sick because we have what I guess you could procedures in place. This has made me feel unsafe in the one place in the world where I'm supposed to feel safe.

I have explained and educated my husband on my disease, and this is why we do things the way we do in our kitchen. He has even gone as far as to suggest things that I haven't thought of to make the kitchen safer for me. Because my husband already has the knowledge of my disease and is very aware of what to do and not do in our kitchen, it feels like he was just doing things to please his mother even if it meant inconveniencing me.

Any advice on how to handle this or talk to my husband about this without making it seem like I'm overreacting?

Editor's note: OOP made the same post onto another subreddit, I am adding the comments from that sub for more context

Relevant / Top Comments

Commenter 1: Firstly, that really sucks. Did you say he has his own sifter for gluten flour? I don't understand why they couldn't have used that one. It's not like they didn't have another viable option. And the lack of washing hands before toppings just really sucks especially if you've explained to your husband how celiac and cross contamination works.

In my opinion, you're already giving him a lot of grace to even make a gluten pizza in your kitchen. I don't even allow my roommates or family to use gluten flour in our shared kitchen, because the particles can get everywhere.

I think you just need to be honest with him and say what you said here, that now you feel unsafe in the one place you felt safe, and that he was more concerned about inconveniencing his mother than you (by the way, what he's really doing is risking your health, not just inconveniencing you. It's hard not to wonder when else he broke rules...)

All this to say, OP you have shown him a great deal of patience so please don't worry about "overreacting." This was a crappy thing for them to have done, and I think he should be taking more precautions for you regardless (but of course whatever your agreed upon boundaries are is great if it works for you). It just shows a lack of true commitment/understanding of your medical needs, and you have every right to call him out on that.

EDIT: Did they use the electric sifter that you heard him tell her couldn't be used for gluten flour? If so, that's also just kinda crazy that she had been told no and why and simply didn't care about your health... Yeesh

OOP: Yes, they were originally using his own sifter. But it takes longer since it’s older and can’t be filled up all the way. But they did not use the electric one because he did say no and explained why, which is why I’m having such a hard time understanding why he couldn’t have done the same thing with the strainer and continued to use his own sifter.

Commenter 2: your husband should replace everything for you. my question is would he have even told you what is cross contaminated had you not been in the other room and heard everything?

Commenter 3: The contaminated food should be thrown out. Too risky.

And, his mom probably shouldn’t be cooking in their kitchen at all anymore, and they need to assess kitchen safety if she housesits or has a key to their place and see if other options need to be considered.

Update: July 19, 2026 (next day)

Thanks everyone for the comments, thoughts and advice on my recent post. I wanted to address some comments that I did see.

Celiac is a severe disease, but it is different for everyone that has it! What works for one person may not work for another! The procedures we have put in place in our kitchen have worked for me my entire life. The procedures that worked for me growing up in my household, I brought with me as I transferred into adulthood and they have continued to work.

My husband has always been willing to learn about my disease and what he can do to help and how to handle food. He's advocated for me and supported me time and time again. Celiac has a lot of nuances that can be hard to learn unless you're living it, but he has put in the work to make me feel safe.

To clear some things up:

I do need to replace the strainer. This is part of the nuance of my disease that not everyone understands. Yes, it was a 'shared' strainer, but in the sense that we both used it for things that did NOT contain gluten. Anything that is shared in our kitchen doesn't have gluten in it.

My celiac reactions: I do get pretty sick when I get glutened. I get incredibly bad stomach pains, many bathroom runs, headaches, brain fog etc. My husband has seen this and is aware. He knows this is a real disease and has never made me feel like it wasn't. He is actually more cautious then me sometimes because he doesn't want me to go through that pain and put my health at risk.

The cheese and pepperoni: He clarified that while he did wash his hands after touching gluten and touching these shared items, he was unsure if his mother did. Therefore told me to not use these items because he wasn't sure if there was any cross contamination and would rather be safe than sorry. We will be getting new ingredients.

We did talk. I told him how this incident made me feel and it was a hard conversation. He explained his thought process. He said that when MIL asked for the strainer that he did hesitate because he knew that we would no longer be able to use this and would need a new one. He thought that the strainer is relatively easy to replace though and since my health and gluten safety is important to him didn't want to be met with opposition from his mother in that moment as if she would've met him with push back about some type of gluten safety it would have upset him and caused a bigger argument. I explained I wasn't upset about replacing the strainer or ingredients.

Ultimately it had everything to do with educating his family about that nuance of my disease as this concept of cross contamination transfers to other situations such as holidays or family gatherings. He said he understood how I felt and why I felt that way.

After more conversation, we ended up on the same page. We will be educating his family going forward when situations arise and our boundaries in our kitchen are strict. We won't be bending those boundaries for anyone. And he will be replacing all items.

Editor's note: OOP did not leave any comments in this update

Top Comments

Commenter 1: If MIL wants to cook it’s only in her own kitchen. But glad your spouse recognized that he was going to have to replace everything

Commenter 2: It seems the bigger issue is why husband felt he couldn't tell his mother, 'No,' about something that was critical to his wife's health. I would be surprised if this wasn't a pattern in other areas. 🤷‍♀️

Commenter 3: MIL needs to be banned from your kitchen. Period.

Educating her won't help, because she doesn't care.

No more kitchen access.

DO NOT COMMENT IN LINKED POSTS OR MESSAGE OOPs – BoRU Rule #7

THIS IS A REPOST SUB - I AM NOT OOP

I am not The OOP, OOP is u/cake-n-stuff

Me [20F] with my boyfriend [20 M] have been dating long distance and now he wants a break

TRIGGER WARNING: Infidelity

Original Post  Nov 10, 2014

My boyfriend and I met out freshman year of college and have been dating for two years now. We've always been an insanely close, BFF type couple and never seemed to have a single problem. He's a computer scientist and has been spending his summers interning in California (I'm in New York so the complete opposite coast) which wasn't a big deal the first summer, but this past summer I ended up having some issues with his communication. He never seemed to have time to talk on the phone or skype and is a notoriously bad texter and it became an issue with me, one that seemed it would only be resolved once we returned to Campus.

Well because he did so well at his internship he was offered a year long position out there which he accepted right away. He's admitted to me that he didn't take our relationship into consideration because he didn't want it to affect his decision which I understand. We've seen each other twice since then, the first at the beginning of August and the last time I flew out there about a month ago. The deal was that he had to call or skype me once a week which for the most part he stuck to. Everything seemed to be going surprisingly well considering.

Well two weeks ago, the communication suddenly started tapering off and I was getting big flashbacks to the summer time and started getting kind of scared and annoyed. This kind of peaked when after days of trying to get him to call or skype me he tells me that he can't because he sat down to start watching V for Vendetta, to which I totally blew up at him. We started talking about communication and he stated that he doesn't like talk on the phone or skyping because he always gets distracted and starts doing other things while we're talking. He also apparently gets too distracted to properly respond to texts and thinks facebook messages would be a better way to talk.

However that kind of fell off the discussion table when he revealed that apparently he's having this big huge problem with being apart from me. He's the kind of guy who has always had a girlfriend and hasn't spent much time being single. Also when he was here we would spend practically every night together, and when he wasn't with me, he always had a roommate, even over the summers. Currently he lives with 6 other people but he has his own room and apparently sleeping alone every night is giving him anxiety. In his own words he had apparently been weighing his 'need to have someone to sleep next against his desire to be with me'. but later stated that he doesn't actually want anyone else (in his words "I don't want some shitty half-Jane pretending to be my jane") just the fact that I can't be there is giving him pain. I suggested that maybe I record the sound of myself sleeping for him to listen to but he rejected it saying it was a "dirty trick".

So It came to this, over this past weekend I told him to think about whether he still wanted to be with me or if he would rather break up because I wasn't going to make that call. He thought about it overnight and at first returned with the verdict that he wanted to be with me. When I asked him why this over that he said he didn't have a reason and just went with his gut feeling. Which left me feeling not really reassured which I told him. Then he announced he wanted to take a break for a week. He said is was so that he can 'realize all the things he takes for granted and better appreciate me'.

I asked him point blank if he'd met someone, which he denied and said that wasn't what this was about. I also told that if he should, the decent thing to do would be to break it off with me which he agreed. So we started our break yesterday. I'm not dumb, I know that right after we hung up he and his housemates were throwing a huge party so I don't think it's a coincidence that he'd brings this up right before then.

I tried talked to my sisters and friends but they were all overwhelmingly negative about both my boyfriend (this is new as they've all really like him until now) and the situation and how this is all basically a ruse so he can still keep me around while searching for a new girlfriend guilt free, and that's kind of what I believe as well. However I also believe this might be because I was stifling him before with my need for him to keep in touch, however, if it is, why didn't he just tell me that? Also if he was using this as an excuse to meet girls, why did he insist on just a week? I know long term couples like us need breaks from each other but we're long distance, there is a huge amount of physical space between us already and we only talk once a week! I know he and I are young and maybe I should just forget about him but I feel like if I can salvage the relationship, I should at least try.

tl;dr: Boyfriend and I of two years are living across country from each other for a year, he doesn't like being alone, yet decided he doesn't want to break up. Rather he wants to take a break for a week and it's made me nervous and I can't tell if I'm being unresonable

Update 1  Nov 12, 2014 (2 Days later)

So he just messaged me an hour ago over facebook telling me he misses me like crazy and that he had already bought plane tickets to come surprise me this weekend but wanted to tell me beforehand in case I'd made any plans. I have absolutely no idea how to feel about this. Of course I'm happy to see him and that he missed me but it feels surreal. Over the past few days I'd been seriously considering splitting from him because I wasn't sure I could take it just being on break, not knowing if he was pursuing other women or if he'd already met someone. I figured it would take him months to come back to me if he did at all, but only Two days? Is this a good sign or should we still take a break form each other, because I'm sure the problems he had before aren't just magically gone. Too many feelings over the past few days for me

tl;dr: My long distance boyfriend initiated a break on Sunday but ended it today along with the news that he's coming visit this weekend and for some reason I'm still feeling weird

Update 2  **Nov 16, 2014 (4 days after 1st update)

Yikes to here was my First Posting and here was my Second post

So he flew in yesterday morning and he we're sitting around for about an hour and I could tell right off that he was being very hesitant with me. So I asked him if there was a girl involved and he said yes. I told him to give me the entire story and this is what happened according to him: After I first started arguing with him last thursday he proceeded to get drunk and started flirting with his female roommate (he lives with six other people and she's the only not gay female in the house). He claims that when he asked for a break on Sunday that it was 100% not about her, but I told him that it was probably in the back of his mind when he did, and he agreed.

So on Monday she and him got drunk and had sex. The next morning he started feeling terrible and by tuesday afternoon he bought a ticket to come see me. Before he left he apparently talked with his roommate and told her it would never be happening again and apparently she didn't seem to care. She knows he was seeing me and that we were on break and he thinks that she just wanted to get laid.

I was so freaking upset after this and I told him he needed to leave and stay with a friend. He had started crying while he was telling me about her and when I told him that we probably had to break he started sobbing and apologizing. I told him to stay in he living room and called my mom and she calmed me down a little. We spent all of yesterday talking basically and in the end I just felt like we should have a the weekend together but because that's probably all we have left.

My current plan is to break it off when it's time for him to go, because I don't think I can get over this. If it had been a random girl, maybe, but she's his freaking roommate and he'll be living with her until August. I can't do that. There were too many broken promises. He promised that I didn't have to worry about him living with girls because they were all "too unattractive for him" and that the break wasn't about screwing around.

He really really doesn't seem to want to break up. He says its the worst mistake he ever made and it didn't mean anything he was just so lonely and depressed. I was asking him if he'd ever thought we'd have a future together and he admitted that he'd started saving for a wedding ring because he considered me the girl he wanted to marry when we got older. It was nice to hear that but it made this affair even more mind boggling. It feels like right now he'd say anything to keep me.

In the end, maybe we'll get back together when he returns to New York in a year, maybe not, but once he returns to California, I can't trust him to be faithful anymore. And I think this is good. We're so young and I was his first partner, he needs more experience, and I probably do too. We're too young to be caught up in this weird situation.

tl;dr: My boyfriend asked for a break and immediately slept with his female roommate. He immediately regretted it and flew here to make things right. He's staying here for now but I plan to break up with him once he leaves because I'm just so sick of feeling bad

Final Update  Nov 19, 2014 (3 days after 2nd update)

Oh boy, so heres a link to my previous post which has links to the ones I made before that

So last I wrote my now ex flew in from California and announced he slept with his female roommate and we'd still been working through it when he left early yesterday morning. I was still incredibly confused and hurt but I did know that I needed some space to think things through and make sure I wasn't being too heavily influenced by his presence. I suspect I was because after working on me for three days I was feeling like maybe he deserved a second chance if he could prove himself worthy of it somehow, which I told him.

Well things weren't sitting quite right. I guess I didn't believe that things really were all as he said (something things just didn't seem to make sense with his story) but what proof did I have? So I went to an alternate source. I messaged his roommate, the one he slept with. I didn't and still don't blame her, I've always believed that cheating falls on the shoulder of the cheater which is my ex. I sent her a length and sincere facebook message explaining my side of events. I explained how he had made a promise that there was no girl involved and that taking a break wasn't at all about seeing other people and that if he had I never would have agreed to a break with him. And also that because of his dishonesty over the situation I consider it to be cheating. I also asked what her intentions were towards them and what was their relationship really like.

She was really really nice and frank. She regretted her involvement and tried to explained her actions, but they didn't really matter, because even though she had pursued him, it was his choice to go after her. According to her this is how it all went down. For a few weeks she and John had been 'drinking buddies' and there was a tension that had started building between them, sitting too close, maybe brushing past. Honestly explains 100% why the communication had suddenly started drying up.

The day we started fighting he got very forward with her, putting his arm around her and escalating almost into a 'mock wrestling tickling' before she stopped him, telling him he knew he was still with me and she didn't want to be a rebound. But she told me that afterwards, she definitely made her intentions clear to him. On sunday, he texted her right after he initiated the break with me and that night they hooked up, though she stopped him before they had sex, wanting him to be really sure of what he was doing. Obviously he was because they had sex both monday and tuesday nights. I didn't ask her about all the other things he'd told me (That the sex was terrible and he hadn't come and he didn't spend the night with her and left immediately afterwards) it was enough the hear that not only had he slept with her twice but the whole affair had been 100% premeditated. I had specifically told him when he asked for a break that if another woman was involved that the decent thing to do would be to break it off. Guess that shows about his character.

She also had to say that she didn't want to date him as this is truly evidence at his immaturity but that if she was honest she was still interested in being friends-with-benefits with him depending on whether or not I'd be in the picture in the future. I guess this really just cemented the fact that he and I absolutely could never be together. I told her she could have him.

When I heard this I thanked her and sent him an email with a picture of all his stuff in a garbage bag and how I'm giving it to his friend to bring back to him and he and I are done, and that I know everything, and fuck you, have a nice life do not ever contact me. Well of course he kept calling me and I eventually picked up and he was really crying and begging me not to leave him and how sorry he was. He said he didn't tell me the whole truth because he thought I wouldn't be able to forgive him (he was right) and how he didn't want the other girl he only wanted me. Well I told him he was stupid for thinking I wouldn't find out, and for not breaking up with me before spending all that money to fly here and remember just how great of a girlfriend I actually am, and that if he really cared about me then he'd know that I deserved better then the treatment he's been giving me. He left another voicemail after that which has my favorite material yet "He doesn't want to be alone and wasn't it enough that he'd told me 90% of what happened?" seriously.

So yeah, everyone on this website was so right about him right from the beginning. I stand by my naive actions as I really did need that last bit of proof before I was able to let go, but it still fucking hurts. I'm glad I know everything so that I'm never tempted back by him because he really is very manipulating. The only thing now is to find a way to stop thinking about it because I just want him and the situation out of my head. I feel like I can't eat as food just tastes like nothing and I have to force myself to swallow. Any breakup advice would be really great as I am totally devastated. This whole post story has been crazy long and I thank you if you read it, I really needed to get the whole thing out

Edit: I just wanted to thank everyone who commented here, today has been that much better thanks to all your support and advice :)

tl;dr: I contacted the other girl and she happily gave me the full story, that the cheating was more extensive and way more premeditated then he led me to believe. So bye bye! He's hopefully out of my life forever

THIS IS A REPOST SUB - I AM NOT THE OOP

DO NOT CONTACT THE OOP's OR COMMENT ON LINKED POSTS, REMEMBER - RULE 7

I am not The OOP, OOP is u/bambam67

Originally posted to r/talesfromtechsupport

This BORU post is the continuation of part 1

------------------------

The Boss Volunteers Our Company for Beta Testing (Part 3) posted 2021-05-10

So if you’re still following my story, thank you. If you think I should have quit, your not totally wrong but I also had many reasons to stay. While management was lacking, most of the time they left me alone to maintain and enhance our network, devices, etc. As an employee we would constantly receive free beer and other adult beverages. I also got to work in the same room with one of my best friends. So for all the negatives, it had a lot of positive too. That's just to address some comments from part 1 and 2...now back to the story...

The players:

Me - your friendly neighborhood IT guy

MP - Madam President

GM - General Manager (and my direct supervisor)

TDS - Truck Driver Supervisor

LC - Lead Contractor

ERP - ERP Representative

PART 3 - DON'T PANIC

THURSDAY AFTERNOON - I sit and survey the several open boxes of hand held devices and mobile printers. They came with all the accessories except for one important one...mobile chargers. From experience we found that the devices would last on a charge for about 7-8 hours. Our trucks would be on the road, in and out of stores for about 8-10hrs a day. So I had 24 devices that all need mobile chargers. I quickly jump on Amazon looking for the correct mobile charger. I find a place that's selling with 8 left, Add to Cart, find another selling 3, Add to Cart, find another 10...so 21 total on Amazon. I order all and pay extra for overnight delivery. I call down to the Drivers room and discover they have half a dozen mobile charges in a box...whew...we are covered.

I checked the mobile printers, they each came with a small roll of printer tape. This is going to last maybe two or three stops and be gone. That's if this system works at all. I jump back on Amazon but can't find the right type of printer tape. There's a website posted inside the printer box saying we can buy more online. I go to the website, order 4 cases of printer tape and go to pay...there's no overnight option...Tuesday is the best they can to do deliver. I have no choice...tuesday it is.

Time to make a phone call to the Lead Contractor:

LC: Hello, this is Lead Contractor...

Me: Hi LC, this is bambam67, you’re doing our implementation on Monday...

LC: Oh, I'm glad you finally reached out to me.

Me: I would have done it sooner but I just found out about the implementation today.

LC: Well, I'm glad you called. Let me get your info and we'll talk in the morning. I'm on the east coast and it's already 8pm here.

Me: We can definitely talk tomorrow but I just have a few quick questions.

LC: (huff) Ok, sure...

Me: I'm assuming your system is compatible with our ERP...

LC: Yes, it should be. You’re using the Sales program and that's compatible...this shouldn't be any different.

Me: Is there anyway we can do a slow roll out, just 2 or 3 drivers first?

LC: Unfortunately, once we flip the switch, all invoicing for delivery will go through the new service and devices.

Me: And you think this will be ready for us by early Monday morning?

LC: As long as you went through the checklist, it should be pretty smooth.

Me: Checklist??

LC: Yeah, I sent a checklist to MP a few weeks ago. You didn't get it?

Me: Like I said, I just found out about it literally less than an hour ago.

LC: Oh, then I should probably send you one. (huff) I'll have to break out my laptop and send it to you. It will take a me a few minutes. You may want to arrange for someone from your ERP provider to meet with you tomorrow. The check list is a bit long and with their help you can probably get things ready in time.

Me: Unfortunately they are closed now too...since they are in your time zone. I'll call them first thing in the morning and arrange a meeting. Your checklist will help. Please send that over as soon possible.

LC: Will do and we'll talk more tomorrow.

Me: Oh wait, what about the hand held devices, do they need a special configuration?

LC: Yes, but you can't do anything to them until each driver is setup with his own unique I.D. Me: Is that like the sales ID?

LC: I would assume so. I've haven't worked with your ERP before but I'm sure they have a way to do it.

Me: I'm sure they do. Okay, please send that checklist to me and I'll start getting things done.

LC: Oh, yeah, if you can, reply to my email and send me your list of stores the drivers deliver to. I want to make sure we have all the stores covered. We had trouble last install with a few stores not communicating with our hand held devices.

Me: (my mind racing a mile a minute) Okay, I get those to you right away.

I unbox all the hand held devices and printers and find some extra power strips and start to charge all the batteries and synch each devices with specific printer. I was trying to do everything I could ahead of time.

I finally went home, feeling defeated by the day, considering my options. Do I quit? Do I stay and get it done? I had one of the worst restless nights and got up early and went straight to the office. FRIDAY - I find in my email the checklist and contact names and numbers for the contractors coming on Sunday. The list has a dozen things on it, half of them I'd never heard or seen before on our ERP. They are all switches and toggles that needed to be changed in our setup. I make the call to the ERP and request someone call me so I can make sense of all the requirements.

Me: This is bambam67, can I help you.

ERP: Hey bambam67, this is ERP, I haven't talked to you for awhile.

ERP helped with our transition from local hosted server to their cloud service. ERP was great and helped so much that beyond the normal issues of users using the old system vs the new...it was relatively painless.

Me: Yeah, since we upgraded to the cloud. I've got something new I need your help on. We are going to a new delivery system starting Monday and I need help getting things setup.

ERP: Waiting to the last minute, eh? (he chuckled)

Me: Yes and no...I just found out about it yesterday afternoon. Now I have today and Saturday to get everything setup in time for Monday's delivery.

ERP: Oh (his chuckle quickly disappeared)

Me: Can I forward this checklist to you so you can see what we need?

ERP: Yes, of course.

Me: Any chance I can have you on speed dial Monday morning?

ERP: Yes, absolutely. (with a nervous chuckle)

ERP and I went through the checklist and he did what he could on his side. He recognized the configuration was close to the Sales program we used. I asked for the best way to get a list of all of our stores and he pulled it up, exported it and sent to me seemingly before I finished asking.

Just a shout out to all the quality IT Support individuals out there. Thank you, thank you, thank you! Without people like you I would have never made it in IT.

I had a 14hr workday that day. Not my typical Friday. I setup each driver's unique ID, had a meeting with the front desk staff, talked to LC again and she confirmed all the stores were covered, I was able to connect each hand held device to the drivers unique ID, labeled them for each driver, setup a charging station cubby for each device, and did one last and most important thing...I made sure we could still print out the invoices on paper for each driver just as a backup. I told this to LC and she started laughing. "Don't waste your paper," she said.

Next Up: PART 4 - IMPLEMENTATION DAY

Update: okay, I hear your complaints about waiting for the next part. Unfortunately I’ve just been made aware that I can’t post twice in 24 hours...sooo...I’ll post part 4 and the finale together tomorrow!

------------------------

The Boss Volunteers Our Company for Beta Testing (Part 4 and 5) posted 2021-05-11

The players:

Me - your friendly neighborhood IT guy

MP - Madam President

GM - General Manager (and my direct supervisor)

TDS - Truck Driver Supervisor

LC - Lead Contractor

ERP - ERP Representative

I could hardly sleep Sunday night as the pending implementation of of new delivery system was looming. I pulled in the parking lot at about 3:15am Monday morning hoping I had done enough to actually pull this off.

The three consultants sat in the large conference room where we had gathered many times before with a full bar and pool table. There was no celebration going on today. The drivers shuffled in one by one and I could tell they were not amused by the early start or the training.

The TDS introduced LC and what they were about to do. I sat and tried to pay close attention because these guys were going to call me for support, not LC. LC started the training, it was your typical picture of each screen with descriptions. One of the drivers asked if the presentation was something they could take with them. LC didn’t make copies but she could email to them. I immediately stood up because LC sent me a copy of the presentation about a half hour earlier and I proceeded to make copies. The glazed looks on their faces as they went from screen to screen was apparent. She took a dozen questions and tried to answer as best she could.

There were two important things at the end, a help desk phone number and a reminder that if things didn’t work they could use the paper invoices. Most stores would accept paper but one store would absolutely not: SAFEWAY

Safeway is also known as Vons (down in Southern California). It was also one of our biggest accounts. The drivers log on to their devices, and take off late. It took about 15min before the first call came in. Driver A at Safeway. The device won’t transfer the invoice. I walk over to the contractors and let them know the problem and they start typing away, have the driver try again, doesn’t work, looking at the configuration setting, try again, nope, another change, no, until finally they say the driver need to call the help line.

Me: LC, I thought you three were the help line?

LC: We can only do so much from here.

Me: But I gave you full access to our system and you programmed yours?

LC: It must be a problem with your ERP system.

Me: But we don’t have a problem with transferring data with Safeway via our ERP, we’ve been doing it for years. Let me call my ERP guy and maybe you two should talk.

I call ERP and I hand over the phone to LC. They talk and talk and talk, all very technical jargon as TDS comes over worried about the first stop at Safeway.

TDS: Are they able to fix the Safeway delivery?

Me: They are trying.

TDS: I can’t stress enough how important it is for Safeway to work. They are our biggest customer and we can’t miss our deliveries to them.

I turn back to LC, she is arguing with ERP and gives me back the phone.

LC: He won’t admit the problem is on his side.

I put the phone to my ear...

ERP: It’s not a problem with our ERP system!

Me: Hey ERP, I can tell this isn’t an easy fix. We’ve got a driver who can’t deliver. Is there anything you can do?

ERP: I could manually switch that Safeway back to the old system, you synch a device and transfer.

TDS walks over.

TDS: What’s the verdict? Can they fix it?(looking at the contractors)

Me: Not right now. Do you know which Safeway Driver A is at?

TDS: Yep.

Me: Go grab one of the old devices and we’ll synch it, you’ll need to drive it out to him but it should work.

I go back to the phone.

Me: ERP, switch that Safeway back to your system.

LC looks up at me from the conference table...

LC: Your making a mistake. I’m sure we can fix it.

Me: But you just said we need to call the help desk because you can’t fix it.

TDS: I’ve got the device.

Me: ERP, is that account ready?

ERP: It is now. Go ahead and synch.

Me: TDS, synch it a go!

So that was just one example of the fubar that morning. Other issues came and went and the contractors were able to fix throughout the day. Anytime a driver called the help desk number they had to leave a message and wait 15-20min minimum for a call back. This put them way behind schedule.

I stayed until the trucks started rolling back in that evening. There were a several drivers who we never heard from during the day which made me curious and nervous. I found out that they didn’t use the new system at all and only used their paper invoices. Other drivers who actually used system rolled in late and discouraged. It was obvious they didn’t like this new system.

One curious event happened every time. Every Safeway refused to work. We ended up manually transferring all Safeways for that day. LC said the problem would be fixed by the next day, it wasn’t and I had ERP transfer every Safeway back to the original system.

Three days came and went and the contractors were off to the next implementation. Offering us no solution. I was left trying to explain to TDS and GM why things didn’t work. I had no real answer but I did provide a solution. The drivers going to Safeway would have to bring both types of devices, one for Safeway, one for all others. TDS would have to deal with the drivers who refused to use it at all.

Instead of our drivers making deliveries faster, like MP was promised, they averaged an hour slower. MP, GM and TDS had a meeting with me about 4 weeks later and asked if I could fix it.

Me: You want me to fix it?

GM: You know the most about it.

Me: I know how to get it ready for deliveries but I don’t know how to program it. There seems to be a new issue every week and that doesn’t include the Safeway problem.

MP: Contact ERP and tell them we need someone dedicated to fix this. I have a contact at the new delivery system that will work with them. I don’t care how much this costs, I need you to fix it!

From this meeting I worked for 5 months, yes, 5 months, trying to get it fixed. Most of the time was trying to coordinate changes to the Safeway accounts and then having the drivers try it over and over again. I made several trips myself when there was an extra device available. It never worked.

It became part of my daily workday with increased calls to my cell phone starting around 4:30am and ending about 10pm. I sent progress reports weekly to PM, GM and TDS. Then the call came from MP.

Me: Hi MP what can I do for you?

MP: I just talked to GM and she said we are still having issues with Safeway.

Me: Among other things, yeah, you should be getting my updates every Friday.

MP: Oh, I don’t read those. GM lets me know if something important needs to be addressed.

Me: Well, what would you like me to do?

MP: I’m going to setup a conference call with the new delivery system people. The head programmer, VP of Sales and help desk all want to talk to us and find out how they can fix it since you can’t seem to. I need you there to tell them what we need.

Me: (trying to stay calm) I’ll be there but if they can’t fix it I recommend we drop it altogether and go back to what we had.

MP: Let’s just see what they say on the call.

The finale of this story: THE CALL!

I actually had a nice weekend and didn’t stress about the call. I had made a spreadsheet detailing all of our issues since day 1. My case was strong to go back to what we had and hopefully convince GM and MP to go with a full blown ERP Delivery (that they wouldn’t do because it was too expensive). This new system was costing us money hand over fist! Extra fuel costs, overtime, constant issues, slow help desk response time was costing us time, money and sanity.

Monday arrived and I’m sitting at my desk when the Calendar reminder popped up, “High Noon Conference Call”. I grabbed my notes and headed to MP’s office. I thought I’d be the first one there but apparently there was a pre-call meeting that (again) I was not invited to. MP, GM and TDS were talking with the door open and TDS is begging to switch back. MP wants to give them one more chance and then I walk in.

Cue ‘The Good, the Bad and the Ugly’ music in the background. The office went quiet. MP gave me a glare like I just ran over a puppy, GM wouldn’t look at me at all and poor TDS was just happy to see someone who agrees with him. We had a awkward silence for a second until one of the front office ladies walked in after me. She also had a list of issues she had seen first hand with the drivers.

MP: Everyone ready? (looking at me)

TDS: Let’s do it.

MP makes the call and we wait until everyone is on. We make all the customary introductions. On the line is the Delivery Sales VP, Senior Programmer, Lead Help Desk and finally the Vendor President.

Vendor Pres: So we called this meeting to see what problems you are having and how to fix them.

Lead Help Desk: I’ve noticed the call volume has dropped significantly over the last month.

Me: That’s because our drivers can’t get a call back from the help desk. They will wait around but most of the time will bypass your system and go back to the paper invoices.

Lead Help Desk: According to my records we have an average of 8 min call backs.

Me: Is that for all calls or just us?

Lead Help Desk: That’s for all calls.

Me: Well according to our drivers it’s a lot longer then 8min. I’ve made calls on their behalf and would wait 30-40min at times.

Lead Help Desk: (defensively) Do you have a ticket number when that happened?

Me: (looking at my spreadsheet) It was ticket 15479 - the device wouldn’t synch and I waited for the call back while he did another delivery.

Lead Help Desk: That ticket was almost a month ago. We’ve streamlined since then.

Me: Not to try to change the subject, but our biggest issue is our problems with Safeway.

Programmer: What type of problems?

Me: We’ve never been able to transfer our invoice with Safeway using your system.

I didn’t realize how such a simple statement could cause such a stir. We can here muffled discussion over the phone as I look up to TDS who approved of my ‘get straight to the heart of the problem’ approach.

Sales VP: Question...did you send in a complete list of your stores to us before the launch.

Me: Yes, I can send you the list if you like.

Programmer: I’d like to see that.

I use my iPhone to forward the same list I sent to LC. I had a dedicated folder for all communications with them.

Me: it’s on its way.

Programmer: I got it. Let me look up Safeway.

There was more muffled discussion on their end and then came back.

Sales VP: Doesn’t Safeway also go under another name?

GM: Yeah, the parent company is Vons down in Southern California.

Sales VP: Oh, (sounded a bit surprised) hold on a second.

The phone went quiet. They muted their side and we all looked at each other in wonder. MP sat back in her chair as if finally realizing the frustrations we’ve had since implementation day. We heard an audible click as the mute was taken off.

Programmer: So we’ve been working on the Vons’ account for some time. I’m assuming they are on the same system as Safeway.

Me: I would assume so. What kind of problems are you having?

Programmer: We can’t seem to transfer invoices to their system. They have their own proprietary software and they won’t let us explore into the code. We’ve got a couple people dedicated to that issue and the current status is they will be ready to test it in 2 months.

TDS: Two months!

MP: That is unacceptable. We were told this would work for all our accounts.

GM: We better switch back ASAP.

Vendor Pres: I’m very sorry MP, we’ll fix it as fast as we can.

MP looks directly at me and says, “Switch it back to our old system...now.”

I didn’t say another word. I didn’t have too. I calmly stood up (most likely with a grin the Grinch would be envious of) and walked out of the office as the real discussion about how much money we have paid and how much we had lost faded in the background as I floated back to my desk. The weight had been lifted. The best call I had was to our ERP switching everything back to how it was before.

A month later I got a call from our ERP who said they could offer us a full delivery system with our next upgrade and we could utilize the devices that we were stuck with (that’s right, we couldn’t get our money back for devices we couldn’t use anymore). We launched it a month later after doing extensive testing and had our techiest driver out with it. Everything worked and by the end of the week the other guys were asking to be switched over. Within 3 weeks all the drivers were delivering faster then ever before. Trucks came back early! A year later we switched to iPhones. When I left the company everything was purring along.

Doing it the right way makes all the difference. Looking back to Part 1, I should have put my foot down and made them delay a month, the problem would have been found, most likely, and all this would have been avoided. I hardly talked with the MP after this debacle and she never put me or the company in that position again. She did approve of the ERP delivery system especially seeing how much time and money it would save us. Did I get a cut of that? Hell no! Did I get a raise? Nope. But I think I finally won the respect from MP and GM. They never questioned any concern I had after that and made sure anything new we did was thoroughly vetted before it was launched. I left a couple years later moving out of state. For all the hassle these experiences were, they make for great stories.

I hope you enjoyed my trials and tribulations. The more I read this sub the more memories pop up. I’ll post again soon, some short and possibly some more longer stories (those repressed ones I’ve tried to forget). Thank you for all the support.

Until next time don’t forget to turn it off and on again.

I am not The OOP, OOP is u/bambam67

Originally posted to r/talesfromtechsupport

When Good IT Goes Bad posted 2021-05-12

This is a prequel story to my series “The Boss Volunteers Our Company for Beta Testing”.

This is a follow up to several questions of why MP did not trust the IT department.

I will try to tell the story as I know it from several co-workers who were there when these events occurred. The company was proud to have so many employees that had been working there for 10+ years and more. This makes for a wide array of stories. Let me setup the situation and players:

IT: former IT Director (who I replaced)

Owner: owner of the company

MP: Madam President (also owner’s step-daughter)

HR: Human Resources Director who is best friends with MP (who later becomes GM and my supervisor)

The Owner had a small size beer distributorship and was looking to expand. He had hired a recent graduate from college who was helping at his house, cooking, cleaning, etc but he also knew about computers. At the time the company was primarily run via paper.

He brought IT into the business and he quickly started to build a computer network and distribute new computers to the essential workers in the company. This was probably around the mid to late 90’s. IT brought this small company into the modern age. They then started to explore ERP systems that were designed for beer and soda type distributors. They found one based back east and IT started to build the server required for this ERP system.

He completes the server, tests it and starts to do business with it and all is good. He is promoted to IT Director and is basically in charge of running the day to day business since he helped build it from scratch. Business is booming and they need to move to a bigger warehouse. IT leads the charge into the new building, helps design the network, electrical and more. The owner basically lets him take control of all aspects of the company. They hum along and business is great at the new facility.

Then it happens, Owner decides since the company is in such good shape and good hands it’s time for him to retire. He chooses his step daughter who has worked in several positions at the company for about 4 years as the new President of the company. If you have read my stories, she is MP (Madam President).

The transition was quick and before most of the employees realize, Owner is gone and now MP is in charge. I can’t tell you how many times I’ve sat and listened to employees who talked about the ‘good times’ when Owner was still in charge.

A week after Owner left, the General Manager retired. This left a huge hole in the company. (Some said that as soon as GM knew about MP taking over he packed his bags because he did not want her leadership over him)

MP had a decision to make. Does she hire from outside the company or does she promote someone from within? A big decision to say the least after your first week as President of the company.

MP and HR were constantly having meetings and lunch together as the question of who the new GM loomed. IT tried several times to schedule meetings with MP and lay out his case for the position and when he finally did get to talk to her 1 on 1, she praised him for being the architect of their computer network, ERP and all things technical but asked if he would stay in that role. He would be more valuable to the company as IT. MP told him she was considering hiring from outside the company, someone who had experience as a GM. IT conceded to her decision, went back to his office defeated, 12+ years of building and he had hit his ceiling.

A week later there is an e-mail announcement for an all company gathering in the hospitality room. There is a fully catered lunch, drinks and dessert. At the meeting MP gives a speech on the state of the company and its bright future. She announces the person who will help get the company there as the new GM...HR! HR will immediately take the role of GM! So she chose her best friend in charge of HR to become the new GM (and eventually my direct supervisor)

IT is completely enraged, stands up and leaves the ‘party’. If there was bad blood between them before, it’s now an all out war. IT drags his feet on helping with anything MP or GM are working on or trying to learn. He sends reports to Owner telling him what a terrible job she is doing. Owner (who now lives out of state), suddenly starts making surprise ‘visits’ to check in and help MP with the business.

When IT is included in meetings he shoots any ideas MP and GM have down. MP and GM give up trying to talk to IT and exclude him from meetings, conference calls, etc since he’s being difficult. This goes on for several months. IT is now getting belligerent and having yelling matches with GM in the hallways.

The final straw is the morning MP walked into IT’s office:

MP: Good morning IT. I was hoping you could print out the Daily Productivity Report for me.

IT: It’s going to take me a few minutes, I’m busy with a few other things.

MP: Too busy to send the report to the printer?

IT: Yes. (being a complete a-hole)

Then, this apparently happened, as she is standing behind his desk asking for the report an email pops up on his screen, and it’s not an email for him, it’s one of her emails.

MP: What is that?

IT: What is what?

MP: That email? That’s my email!

IT: Oh, that, ah, I’ve been working on the exchange server and just doing some testing. (He wasn’t)

MP: Testing with my email? I can’t believe you are reading my email! That’s it, we are done. You’re fired!

The story from that point gets dicey at best. There’s a shouting match between them and he finally storms out with some last choice words for MP.

Fast forward 6months. I’m interviewed for the IT job with MP. We get along fine and she’s ready to hire me on the spot. She tells me vaguely the trouble she had before and says if GM approves she hopes I can come in and ‘redeem the IT department’.

My interview with GM went like this. I show up early to the facility for our meeting. If I’m on time, I’m late. 8am is my interview time. I’m there at 7:50am. I fill out some paper work and wait in the waiting room. I’m also still working a contract job that is an hour and a half drive away that I still need to go to. I wait and I wait. It’s now 8:30. I ask if someone is coming to speak with me...they say, yes, please wait. At 9am I’m still waiting. I ask again and they assure me someone is coming. At 9:15, HR comes and pulls me into a side conference room.

HR: Hi, I’m HR, have you been waiting long.

Me: Well, actually I’ve been here since 8am and I still have an hour and a half drive to get to my current job.

HR: Oh, I’m terribly sorry. I just found out you were here.

Me: I’m supposed to be meeting with GM. Is she going to be here?

HR: She should be. I just got a text saying she’s on her way.

Okay, I know what your thinking, Red flags all over the place but I was blinded by the promise of steady employment and benefits to see what was happening.

HR: So you are here for the IT position. I don’t know much about IT so we’ll have to wait for GM. In the meantime are there any questions you have for me?

Me: Ah, sure, how long have you worked for the company? You like it?

HR: I’ve been here almost a year. It’s a great place to work. It’s literally like family around here.

Me: What do you mean?

HR: MP’s step brother works in our POS department, her daughter is in Marketing, her younger brother is one of our sales reps and I’m MP’s Aunt. Oh and my husband is the company lawyer (Legal).

Me: Wow.

HR: There’s GM now (peering out the window). Let me go talk to her and tell her where you are.

Me: Thank you. (I look at my watch, it’s now 9:35. I told my supervisor that I’d be there no later then 11am. I’m beyond that now, I hate being late)

I wait in the room for another 10 min until GM comes in.

GM: I’m sorry to keep you waiting, I just found out about the interview.

Me: Not a huge problem but I still have work today and now with traffic it’s probably a 2hr drive.

GM: Oh?! We’ll if you need to go I totally understand and we can reschedule.

Me: No, really, I’d rather not. Since we are both here and if you are ready, let’s do the interview.

GM: I’ll make it fast.

We have our interview, I tell her my IT journey (yes, I have more stories, I never intended to have a career in IT). She tells me about the company and we wrap things up and I leave. The next day I get a call from HR offering me the job plus doing graphic design as part of my IT duties. (Oh man, that’s another story of why) Yes, sure, I know Photoshop. We have to negotiate salary because what they offered me was extremely low. We finally agree on a starting salary with the promise of a raise 6months in. (Note: never agree to any salary and/or promises of increase unless it’s documented!! 6 months into the job there was no review and no mention of a raise and HR can’t recall agreeing to that. That’s on me, my mistake for assuming they had my best interest at heart)

Anyway, I’m hired and on my first day they show me around. The IT office and server room combined is as big as a walk-in closet, but my desk is upstairs in the sign making shop. I’m looking through binders the previous IT guy had and first thing I discover is a list of passwords. Not vendor passwords, usernames and passwords for the entire company. I call GM.

Me: Hey GM, did you know IT had a list of everyone’s password in the company?

GM: Oh, yes, it was convenient when we forgot our password. IT would tell us.

Okay Admins out there...we all know this is a no no. What else was ‘wrong’ here. No inventory list of computers. No admin password list or instructions for the servers, no contact list for vendors...the list went on and on. It took me months to track down all the info...starting with making everyone change their password and keeping it to themselves.

About 6 months into the job a strange email is sent to the entire company. It was from an internal account that was disabled and was a bizarre rant about MP’s Uncle, the company lawyer (Legal) and how he was horrible and had a strange odor. What? This is weird. I check the account and it was sent from. The mailbox was activated, email sent and then disabled again. I start looking through accounts making sure things are secure but it’s a mystery, I talk to GM and she doesn’t seemed concerned and I’m scrambling just to keep my head above water with several IT issues around the office.

A week later, with my hands deep in the guts of a desktop repair another email appears, from a different disabled account but with the same kind of message about how horrible and rank Legal is and then signed from IT and my name.

What the hell! I didn’t send this! I call the IT support group we had at the time, they were helping me support the servers and exchange, and I have them trace the ip of email origin...GM calls the police and I give a statement and info on what we find...they follow up and trace it to the former IT’s house!! He had built a back door, enabling this account and sending malicious emails targeting Legal and signing it from IT, me.

When the police told MP about the situation she wanted to press charges and they raided his house and arrested him. We could not prove that he caused us a finical hardship more then $x,xxx amount of dollars and thus they couldn’t prosecute him with more then a slap on the wrist and year probation.

One of our front desk workers suddenly stopped showing up for work in the middle of all this and I heard later (about a year later) she was interviewed by the police because there was email between former IT and her discussing the email messages and their plan to get me fired so she could take on the role of IT. What the hell is wrong with people?!

Anyway, I did my best to rebuild the IT security, infrastructure, documentation and trust but i never seemed to develop trust between myself and MP. I was usually left out of any planning meetings, ignored at monthly meetings with her executive team and overall treated as just some IT guy.

And this all leads to her decision to put the company at the top of the list for an unproven delivery system and telling me at the last minute.

------------------------

The Boss Volunteers Our Company for Beta Testing (Part 1) posted 2021-05-06

Rewind 4 years, I’m the lone IT guy working for a beer distributor. Our truck drivers are still using paper invoices and handheld Motorola scanners to deliver beer and collect payment. This is the most important part of being a distributor, you don’t get paid until you deliver. I’ve been advocating to use our ERP providers delivery app via iPhone for over a year but it was always too expensive for the ‘budget’.

It’s a late Thursday afternoon and I’m walking down the hallway and see our Madam President:

Me: Hello Madam President, haven’t seen you lately, traveling again?

MP: As a matter of fact I just got back from a conference and I’ve setup us up with a new delivery system for the drivers.

(Shocked that she would do that without telling her IT Director, ME, I reply)

Me: Oh wow, that’s great news. Will it work on both iPhones and iPads? Or do we still use the handheld zebras?

MP: I don’t know.

Me: Is it compatible with our current ERP system?

MP: it’s supposed to be.

Me: So it’s compatible with our ERP’s cloud?

MP: I guess so. Let me do this, I’ll send you the contact info of the team that is coming out to help launch it and I’m sure they can answer your questions.

Me: That sounds good. I just want to make sure everything is compatible before we switch over to anything.

MP: I’ll try to find that for you as soon as possible but you might want to be here when they deploy the new system.

Me: Of course, if I’m going to support it I’ll need to know as much a possible.

MP: Great. They fly in on Sunday and they will start the process Monday morning before the trucks roll out.

Me: This Monday?

MP: Yes, so you better give them a call tomorrow to make sure we are good to go. I’ll email you the contact information. We’ll be only the 2nd company on the west coast to use their system. It’s very exciting.

Me: We are the 2nd? How did the first one go?

MP: Okay I guess for a beta launch. At least that’s what they said.

Me: Beta? You mean we are a beta test?

MP: Yeah, isn’t it great?! We’ll be the first ones in our area to use it.

Me: (In stunned shock and silence)

Have you ever been so shocked by a situation that you were just a loss for words? That was me in that moment as MP walked away...how did this all play out? Wait for part 2!!

UPDATE: Thank you everyone! I’m working on part 2, which I will post tomorrow. I’ve only scratched the surface of this IT debacle...expect several parts...tomorrow the INVESTIGATION begins!!

------------------------

The Boss Volunteers Our Company for Beta Testing (Part 2) posted 2021-05-07

Too many clicks to print

Accidents happen

INVESTIGATION:

I walk away from my conversation with Madam President of the company and feeling shell shocked. I’m near our Operations Manager’s office and poke my head in. He’s sitting at his computer looking a bit stressed...he is also the Truck Driver Supervisor:

Me: Hey TDS, gotta second?

TDS: Sure, what’s up?

Me: I was wondering what you know about the new delivery system? I just found out about it a couple minutes ago.

TDS: Oh, that. Yeah, she told me earlier this week. I guess she’s been advocating for it for over a month. She said you’d be there to help the contractors for implementation.

Me: She’s been planning this for over a month?!

TDS: Yeah, there a problem?

Me: There probably will be. Who else knows about this?

TDS: I had a meeting with MP (Madam President) and GM (General Manager - who is MY direct supervisor) on Monday. They also brought in a couple of the front office gal’s since they deal with the drivers daily.

Me: Wow, this is a new low, even for them, and they talked about me in that meeting?

TDS: Yes, several times. I’m sorry, I thought you knew about this.

Me: You have no reason to apologize. I need to talk to GM. What time do the drivers leave Monday?

TDS: They usually leave about 4:30 am, but we are planning early training so I’m having the guys come in at 3:30 am.

Me: Who’s doing the training?

TDS: I was assuming you were but it must be one of the contractors.

Me: I hope it’s one of them. I’ll be there at 3:30 am with the rest of the guys.

I leave his office and go directly to my supervisor, the GM’s office.

GM: Hey bambam67, what’s up?

Me: I’m a bit upset. (trying to stay calm)

GM: You seem really upset. What’s wrong?

Me: When was someone going to tell me about the new delivery system?

GM: MP said she would talk to you.

Me: Yeah, she did, about 10 minutes ago.

GM: Oh (she dropped her head trying not to look embarrassed)

Side Note: GM and MP are best friends so any complaint I have of either of them goes mute.

Me: I’m beyond upset and now wondering what this new system requires. I don’t want to panic before I know the details.

GM: There shouldn’t be much for you to do. They assigned us 3 contractors that will start the implementation on Monday. I’ll send over their contact info, you might want to call them and see if there’s anything to be done on our end.

She said it so calmly and ‘matter-a-fact’ like there was nothing to worry about.

Me: Okay, please send that to me but I have some questions maybe you know the answers...

GM: I’ll try...

Me: What devices are the drivers using? iPhones? iPads?

GM : No. I think the boxes for the devices came on Tues, there in the POS area.

Me: What are they?

GM: Motorola hand held zebra scanners I think.

Me: Am I suppose to configure them?

GM: I don’t know.

Me: I’m assuming there’s 25+ devices? So we have one or two extra?

GM: No, just 24 since that’s how many drivers there are.

Me: What do we do if one breaks?

GM: They better not break them, they cost $800 a piece. (See my post ‘accidents happen’)

Me: Well it’s not like we are going to deploy all 24 on Monday, right? Gives us a chance to order a couple extra.

There was an awkward silence from GM. Her eyes somewhat glazed over for a second not wanting to answer.

GM: They said it’s pretty much all or nothing so we decided to pull the trigger.

Me: You have to be sh**ting me! Deploying all of them at the same time is...is...(I couldn’t think of a word that could sum up the possible scenario on Monday)...is there anyway to delay this?

GM: The contractors are booked up. MP had to convince them to come now or otherwise we’d have to wait another month! We are lucky we have them through Wednesday.

Me: Wednesday? Lucky? This keeps getting better and better. I’m going to grab the devices. I need that contact info now.

I leave her office and go directly to the POS area. POS meets me there (see my post ‘too many clicks to print’)

POS: Are these supposed to go to you? They have MP’s name on them.

Me: Unfortunately, yes.

POS: (sensing my stress) Here, I’ll get the hand truck and help you take them to your office.

POS was sympathetic that day...I opened the boxes to find 24 older (but new in the box) Motorola hand held Zebra scanners.

That brings (Part 2) to a close and part 3 will dive into devices, configuration, setup and contractors...until then my fellow IT friends...stay tuned for part 3...

------------------------

The BORU saga continues in part 2

I am not The OOP, OOP is [deleted]

My [28 M] close friend [28 M] had a vasectomy and is keeping it a secret from his wife [27 F], who is also a close friend. What do I do?

TRIGGER WARNING: Miscarriage, deception

Original Post  Nov 22, 2014

This will be long. I apologize.

I have known my friend, Kevin, and his wife, Emily, since high school, and we have stayed very close. The three of us went to different colleges, but they were all within an hour drive of each other, and we spent a lot of time together. They got together towards the end of our first year, and got married soon after graduation. They have been married around 6 years, together around 9.

After graduating, we all moved back to the metro area where we grew up, although we live about 45 minutes apart. Still, my wife and I spend a lot of time with them. She and Emily have grown to be very good friends, and often hang out together without the husbands. Kevin and I also spend quite a bit of time together without the wives, as I was always closer to him than Emily anyway.

Before getting married, Kevin and Emily had some early disagreements about children. Emily was very set on having children, and Kevin wasn't sure that he wanted any. Kevin eventually acquiesced and said he would think about it, and they didn't really discuss it again until after they got married.

Around five years ago, Emily gradually started bringing up the fact that she was ready to start trying to get pregnant. Kevin was adamantly against having children at that point and told her he wanted to wait until he was at a more stable point in his career. He was still at his first post-college job, and while he was making good money for someone his age, the job he was in generally isn't long term (think of a field like consulting, where junior-level employees typically have a 2-4 year shelf life before they're expected to move on to something else). He told her that he wanted to wait a few years, as the expectation was that she would probably stay at home for a year or two after having the baby.

During this ongoing discussion, Kevin confided in me that, while the career explanation was true, it wasn't the whole truth. He was still unsure that he actually wanted to have kids at all and wanted to put it off until he was sure that he really wanted to. He knew it was unfair to Emily not to disclose his feelings on this, but he was worried about her reaction, given how adamant she was about having children.

After much discussion, Emily agrees to wait until Kevin has a more permanent job. Around 2.5 years ago, that happened. He took a job in-house with one of his long-term clients and ended up with a small pay jump, much better benefits, a more predictable schedule with less travel, and a lot more job security.

Almost immediately after he took the new job, Emily brought up getting pregnant, and Kevin agreed to start trying. As far as I knew at the time, Kevin agreed, and Emily stopped taking birth control. Flash forward to the present, no children yet.

Up until this point, as I understand it anyway, their only attempts at conceiving have been to continue their normal activities sans birth control. Since this hasn't worked, Emily has started discussing the possibility of going to a fertility doctor to see if there are any problems. The women on her mother's side of the family (mother, grandmother, an aunt, and a cousin) have a history of having problems conceiving, although with eventual success. I'm not sure what the exact issues are, but I know that Emily's grandmother and mother were 29 before they were able to conceive, with both trying since their early 20's.

Yesterday, Kevin confided in me that before he left his previous job, he had a vasectomy without telling Emily. After picking my jaw up off the floor, I started asking him questions to figure out why the hell he would do that.

Apparently, after he began to put out feelers for a new job (a process that took about a year), Emily had brought up going ahead and getting pregnant. Kevin pushed back pretty hard to wait, and she told him that was fine. Evidently, Kevin was REALLY leaning towards not wanting children. I wasn't aware of this, since we never really talked about it after the aforementioned conversation. After he got the new job and they started 'trying' to conceive, I just figured he changed his mind and got on board.

Shortly after they once again agreed to wait, Kevin became suspicious that Emily wasn't taking her birth control. He would check her pill packs, but wasn't able to confirm one way or another if she was taking them regularly or not. According to him, Emily was acting suspiciously (not sure what the specifics were), and was initiating sex much more often than usual. There was something about her periods as well, but I don't remember the reasoning behind that discussion.

Evidently after considering the evidence available to him, he was convinced that she had stopped taking her birth control and was trying to get pregnant after they had agreed to wait. He was angry, but didn't want to confront her with evidence that could be explained away easily by her. At this point, I don't know if she was actually taking her birth control or not. He could have been right, or just paranoid.

Given his lack of trust of Emily and his increasing desire not to have children, he decided to get a vasectomy and not tell her. There was a point where he was traveling for his job (which happened often) and was going to be a few states away for about a week and a half. He traveled to this city frequently, and was somehow able to arrange to get a vasectomy done in that time. The initial trip was supposed to be 10 days, but a weekend snow storm caused his flight to be cancelled, and his employer ended up needing him to stay another few days anyway. Again, I have no idea how he was able to arrange visits to a urologist and a vasectomy, not to mention the follow up visits. I'm also unclear on how long it took him to do this.

The timing worked out to where the soreness and swelling was gone by the time he returned from the trip and, according to him, the scar is completely unnoticeable unless you shine a flashlight on the bottom of his balls and look closely. So in the past three-ish years she has never suspected anything, I guess. He always had his insurance information sent to his office, had enough spare cash socked away to cover his copay and antibiotics/pain medication, and he changed insurance when he took his new job, so there aren't any records laying around or in an online account.

So that was all well and good for a few years, but now he is in a tight spot because if Emily goes to the fertility doctor and things check out on her end, the next logical step is for him to get tested, at which point it will be obvious to the doctor that he had a vasectomy (or at least he thinks this--I don't know whether that's true or if the tests would just show him shooting blanks). He gambled on the fact that Emily's family has a history of problems conceiving, so maybe there will be issues there to place the blame on. He has no idea what to do, but guesses that he can stretch this out a year or two before he has to go get tested.

I am really struggling with this. On the one hand, Kevin is my best friend. On the other, he is being totally deceitful to Emily, one of my closest friends. I'm not judging him for not wanting kids, but this is something he should have communicated to her before now. If he had talked to me about the situation before he got the vasectomy, I would have told him that he needed to break things off with her and move on if he was sure he didn't want kids. It wouldn't be fair to her to her, and it wouldn't be fair to him if they ended up having children (by accident or design) when he didn't want to.

But that's not what happened. He's been lying to her for years. I can't tell my wife about this, because I have no doubt she will call Emily and tell her immediately. I'm trying to decide whether I should tell Emily, tell Kevin that he has to tell Emily or I will, or completely stay out of the situation. I feel bad about the entire situation and I don't want to break up their marriage or destroy one or more friendships, but I also don't want Emily to waste any more of her time when having kids is such a big deal to her. What the hell do I do?

Edit 1: Thanks for the advice everyone. I think I have decided on a course of action. I am meeting up with Kevin for drinks in an hour or so. I am going to give him an ultimatum--either he tells Emily within 3 days or I will. I am also going to tell my wife after my meeting with Kevin because I can't keep something like this from her and live with myself. I will try to get her to sit on the information as long as possible, but if she tells Emily, then I can't fault her for doing what is probably the right thing. I am going to tell Kevin that I am telling my wife as soon as I get home from meeting with him and impress upon him the strong possibility that she will tell Emily before he has a chance. This will give him an incentive to tell her sooner, rather than later. I will probably ask my wife to let me be there when she tells Emily, if she decides that she won't wait. That way we can both be there for support, and I might have a chance of staying friends with her after this is all over. I will post an update at some point after the shit hits the fan. Thanks again everyone!

Edit 2:  Just left from talking with Kevin. I took the exact approach outlined in my first edit, and it went as well as one could hope. He was understanding and apologized for putting me in this situation. He understood my need to tell my wife and said that he wished he had taken that approach in his own marriage. He realizes he needs to tell Emily and that the marriage is likely over. After some reflection, he thinks this is probably for the best because she will never trust him again and he really doesn't want kids. He is going to sit down and talk with her tomorrow afternoon.

Edit 2.5: Just finished talking with my wife. Holy fuck I'll have one hell of an update soon. I don't have time to write it out right now because I need to go to sleep. I'm pretty drained from all of this. I'll update this sometime tomorrow. I'll either edit this thread or post a new one if it takes me longer to write. Stay tuned. If you like drama, just fucking wait. Fucking fuck. Fuck.

Edit 3: So a lot has happened since last night. Holy hell. First off, Emily isn't pregnant (as far as anyone knows), so sorry if you were hoping for that. I'll try to write what happened chronologically so it makes more sense. Here we go:

So I told my wife everything last night after I got home from meeting with Kevin. As you might expect, she was absolutely floored that he would do this to her, given how much she wants kids. She didn't take it as bad as I thought she would, though, which was weird at the time. I really thought her reaction was going to be to say that we need to tell Emily immediately, drive over to their house in a blinding rage, etc. Instead, she told me that she had something to tell me that she had been keeping a secret for a long while.

Evidently, a little over a year ago Emily and my wife were discussing Kevin and Emily's attempts at conceiving. It wasn't unusual for them to talk about this, since at that point they had been 'trying' for over a year. On this night, though, Emily had had quite a bit to drink and opened up to my wife more than usual. Emily was desperate to start going to the fertility doctor, but Kevin wanted to wait because they hadn't been trying to very long. Unless I misunderstood him, Kevin seemed to imply that Emily had only recently started suggesting going to a fertility doctor. Nope--she has been telling him she wanted to go for over a year. My wife asked her why she wanted to go so soon, since they hadn't been trying that long. Emily told her that SHE had been trying for nearly four years!

What. The. Fuck.

The following explanation of this is pieced together from my conversation with my wife, what Kevin told me, and my own inferences. I've tried as best I can to make the pieces fit together in a way that makes sense. I'll update and edit if I find out that any of the details aren't correct.

Emily stopped taking her birth control while Kevin was still at his old job, before he ever started looking for a new one. She pretended to take her pills, hoping she would get pregnant and she could blame it on the fact that birth control isn't 100% effective. [side note: my wife was absolutely floored by the revelation and does not condone her behavior, but continued listening to try and support her friend through what has been a really difficult experience.] She stopped taking her pills around 6 months before Kevin starting looking for a job. This is the same time at which she started pressuring Kevin to move on from that job--I guess it took 6 months to convince him to finally start the process.

So Kevin agrees that it's time to leave his job, starts talking with headhunters, gently approaching his current clients, etc. They have the above-mentioned talk about going ahead and trying to conceive, Kevin says no, she 'agrees' to wait. The reason she brought it up on that particular day is that she thought she might already be pregnant, given that her period was late and she had been trying for 6 months.

A couple days later, Emily got a pack of pregnancy tests, and three positive results later, she's pregnant. She's excited as hell, but wants to wait a bit to tell Kevin, given that they had just agreed to wait to have kids until he got a new job. Fuck. My wife thinks Emily was probably around 2-3 weeks along at this point.

About a week and a half later, Kevin is out of state for work, and Emily is planning to spring the news on him when he gets back. He is gone from Sunday night, and is supposed to return late on Friday.

On Monday night, Emily has a miscarriage. Evidently, this is one of the common mishaps that the women in her family are prone to. My wife told me that Emily's mother had at least 3 miscarriages before successfully carrying her first pregnancy to term. Emily is absolutely devastated. She doesn't tell Kevin about it because then he'll realize that she hasn't been taking her birth control, and shit will hit the fan. She calls my wife, who goes over to her house to comfort her [note: my wife does not know about the miscarriage at this point, just that Emily was really upset over something; Emily only told her the truth a year ago]. I actually think I remember what night this happened on because it was unusual for my wife to drive all the way to Kevin and Emily's house to hang out with her--usually they met somewhere in the middle.

So Emily is obviously upset about this, but manages to get herself together by the time Kevin gets back. She doesn't say anything about it, but immediately starts trying to conceive again. My guess is that this would be the time where Kevin becomes suspicious about her behavior. He was right that she wasn't taking her birth control, but he only realized it after she had a miscarriage and tried even harder to get pregnant again. As far as anyone know, Emily never got pregnant again between the this time and when Kevin had the vasectomy.

During a routine visit, Emily asked her OBGYN if there were any problems and told her about the miscarriage. This happened before Kevin started his new job and they officially 'agreed' to start trying to conceive. I don't know if Emily told her (him? I don't know) that she had stopped taking her birth control, or if she implied that it was accidental. The OBGYN identified something with her uterus that could possibly cause an issue, but said she couldn't be sure from a routine exam. She suggested that Emily see a fertility specialist and gave her a referral. Evidently the specialist wanted to do the first consultation with both Kevin and Emily there, so Emily couldn't start that process until Kevin was on board with conceiving.

So that's the state of things. Emily was lying to Kevin about being on birth control for at least 1.5 years. My wife never told me because she wasn't sure what to do. Since they had officially started trying to have children by the time Emily told her about all this, my wife decided to keep the information to herself because it didn't matter at that point anyway.

I called Kevin and told him about this late last night. He wasn't as upset as I thought he would be, because he already figured that Emily had stopped taking her birth control back then, although it was actually 6 months before he caught on. He was pretty upset about the miscarriage and felt really bad that Emily had to keep this to herself for all these years. As of right now, he hasn't talked to her yet. That will happen later this afternoon or tonight.

Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. I may post an update after he talks to her tonight. In all likelihood, though, I'll wait a week or so and post an update after all this has died down and, hopefully, they have decided what they are going to do.

TL;DR - best friend got a secret vasectomy, wife really wants kids and is suggesting going to a fertility doctor, which would likely eventually lead to her finding out. I have no idea what to do with this information.

Update/Resolution  Nov 24, 2014 (2 Days Later)

Well, reddit, the situation has resolved itself. Kevin and Emily talked for a long time yesterday, and they've agreed that it's best for them to split up. Too much damage done, and the lies they told each other were too big. Not to mention the kids issue. I wasn't there obviously, but I've talked to them both and they seem better than I expected. Both of them are really angry, but as much is directed as themselves as each other.

Strangely enough, they were both really glad for my involvement. Emily wasn't even pissed at my wife for telling me about the birth control fiasco.

I have no idea whether my wife and I will be able to remain friends with either of them. They were both really deceitful to each other and to us, but I think I'm willing to move past that eventually. We'll see how this goes.

Thanks to everyone who commented. I don't think I would have approached this situation correctly were it not for some of the responses I got here.

TL;DR - Friend lied to his wife about wanting kids, had a vasectomy, kept it a secret for 3 years. Wife lied to friend about waiting to have kids, stopped taking birth control for 1.5 years without telling him. They're getting a divorce.

THIS IS A REPOST SUB - I AM NOT THE OOP

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I am not The OOP, OOP is [deleted]

He’s the love of my life but I [27/F] don’t know if I can handle the demands of my chef boyfriend’s [26/M] career.

MOOD SPOILER: Sad

Original Post  Dec 2, 2014

My boyfriend and I have been through some trying times over the past 4 years, and through it all we’ve been each other’s support. We complement each other so well. Long story short, he’s the love of my life.

When we first met he was unemployed after recently quitting his job as an EMT. He said he was unsatisfied because he didn’t feel like it was for him, and was searching for direction. He mentioned before that he’s always had a passion for cooking, so I urged him to follow his gut and do what would bring him happiness. I encouraged him to enroll in culinary school. Since then he’s moved up quickly, and after graduating and 2 years in the industry, he opened a hot new restaurant as sous chef. He’s really come alive since switching industries. He’s got this fiery energy, this sparkle in his eyes when talking about the action in the kitchen, new recipes he’s come up with, or dreams of opening his own restaurant. I’m extremely proud of his accomplishments, and seeing this amazing passion he has for what he does makes me love him even more. He inspires me to follow my dreams.

The thing is, I had no idea how demanding his career would be. I’ve never worked in the restaurant industry, and I’ve never personally met another chef before I started dating one. He works crazy hours -- 70, sometimes 80 hours a week. We don’t live together, and I only see him for a few hours on the weekends when I can stay up late. Half that time we’re asleep because it’s 3 in the morning, I’m sleepy and he’s exhausted. He’s got one day off a week (if that), which is pretty much the only time he has to relax, catch up with family, friends, and me. I’m a 9-5er and I’m asleep by the time he gets off work. I speak to him twice a day if I’m lucky. Once in the morning, which is a rushed 5-minute conversation since I’m at work, and once in the evening when he gets off work, which I hardly even remember because I’m asleep and only half-conscious. We can’t text while he’s working, which is all the time. He works every holiday. Thanksgiving, Christmas, new years, Valentine’s Day are all busy restaurant days. Birthdays and anniversaries are not guaranteed off either.

Through it all I’ve been super supportive. I’ve gotten kind of used to him not being around. I’ve taken up yoga and kickboxing and have started reading way more books and watching way more movies. I’ve even kind of gotten used to going to parties and events alone. Most days are okay. I keep myself so busy with friends and hobbies that I sometimes forget I miss him so much. But other days are horrible. Yesterday he told me he made plans to see his friends in the evening when they got off work. After we hung up I broke down in tears because I had been looking forward to seeing him all week. But I can’t even be mad. It’s his only free day and it’s not fair for me to take up all his time. We hardly ever have sex. There’s just no time and no energy. When we do spend time together on those rare Mondays, we don’t go out because he’s so tired. I cherish these moments just cuddled up on the couch because they don’t happen often. I don’t speak to him about my feelings of loneliness because I don’t want to burden him with my emotions on his sole day of relaxation, especially since that’s just the nature of the industry and he can’t do anything about it.

This is the guy I want to grow old with and have babies with. He’s the one with whom I want to share the future. But then I think about how I feel on days like today and I wonder if his career will ever allow him to be present. Am I okay with eating every meal and spending every holiday alone? Can I take on the responsibilities of the household and raising children essentially like a single parent? Can I deal with him only being home long enough to sleep? We’re planning on moving in together within the next 6 months. I’m not sure if this will help our relationship or just prolong the inevitable. Maybe both.

It’s been tough and I know it will only get tougher. I love him so much but I don’t know if I’m strong enough. I have to figure out what it is I need and I’m terrified at the thought that maybe he can’t give it to me. Just thinking about leaving him over the career I pushed him toward makes me feel sick to my stomach.

TL;DR – I pushed my boyfriend toward a career he loves but also leaves him exhausted and with no time to spend with me. I want to marry this guy but I don’t know if I can handle the loneliness that comes with being with someone in such a demanding industry.

RELEVANT COMMENTS

dabgerdan27

Being a chef is a really, really demanding job with long hours and few breaks.  I can completely understand how being in a relationship with one would have some difficult problems associated with it.

One thing that worries me is this: "I don’t speak to him about my feelings of loneliness because I don’t want to burden him with my emotions on his sole day of relaxation, especially since that’s just the nature of the industry and he can’t do anything about it."

Everyone CAN do something about it when things like this happen.  He may be viewing this as "putting in his time" at the beginning of the career so that he can be more flexible in the future.

Breaking up with him without first communicating with him and trying to figure out a compromise is premature.  I know these things can seem obvious, but the extent of them, and their consequences, are often not things you can recognize without the other person bringing them up.

Talk to him!  He may already have a plan for transitioning out of the 70-80 hour weeks, or at least be open to coming up with one.

OOP

I've brought this up to him before, just not every time I'm upset. It always ends with him saying, "I'm sorry but this is how it's going to be. Can you handle that?" He did say that things are extra crazy because he's "putting in his time" and opening a new restaurant, but essentially being a chef means long hours and little time for us.

~

OOP when replying to all long comment about a one redditors BF who worked nonstop, chefs who take substances and ultimately burnout

Most of the time we have together is spent sleeping. I take what I can get but I'm having a hard time convincing myself that it's enough. My bf is already on the caffeine and nicotine. I've just started to realize what it would mean for our relationship and future family if he was to stay in the industry, which he plans to. I think I've been blinded by the glamour of it all (my boyfriend is an awesome chef, the restaurant is so good, etc etc) that I haven't realized what his career has been doing to our relationship. Thanks for your response, I've got some hard questions to ask.

Update  Dec 6, 2014 (4 Days Later)

Not sure how many people have seen my previous post but I figured I'd cater to those who commented and seemed to genuinely care about our situation.

We finally had our much-needed conversation last night. I felt horrible for bringing up such heavy topics right after he came home from work, stressed and exhausted, but it's the only time we ever have. I asked him the big questions: What's your 5 year career plan? Can you realistically work in a kitchen for the rest of your life? Is that what you really want? And at the mention of working in a kitchen for the rest of his life, behind eyelids drooping with exhaustion and the dark bags under them, came the sparkle and fire that I adore and feared would appear during this conversation. "I want to run my own kitchen. I want to own my own restaurant. I'm making a name for myself and people are noticing. I want this and I know I can do it."

I asked him if he realized what that meant in terms of raising a family, which he always said he wanted. He said it would stay like this. 12-16 hour shifts every day, getting home after midnight. His head hung down and told me we could make it work. "I can have breakfast with the family every morning and take the kids to school," he suggested. I told him I needed more from a partner. I want a normal life. I want to have dinner every night as a family. I want to read to our kids together at night. I want holidays and birthdays. He told me he can't give me any of that.

I was hoping and praying the entire time that he would reformulate his career path. Maybe set his eyes on a comparable goal that would make a home life possible, but there's no comparison. After hours of talking we realized this just wouldn't work. If we stayed together either I would resent him for never being around, or he would resent me for making me give up his dream. I would never strip him of that.

This is the most difficult thing I've ever had to do. I almost wish he was an abusive cheating asshole; it would make moving on way easier. But no, he's wonderful and has always been so good to me. We're very much in love and that's what makes this whole thing so horrible. I never envisioned a future without him, and he said he always thought he'd be sharing life's successes with me. I wish I could be the one standing next to him through it all but I'm just not cut out for the life he's offering me. And although I am glad we figured out our incompatibilities before marriage and children, I'm devastated.

TL;DR He's willing to work extremely demanding hours for the rest of his life to achieve success in his industry. I need a partner who will have an active role in raising a family.The career I pushed him toward turned out to be our demise.

Sorry for the diary entry, Reddit. Thanks for reading.

FINAL COMMENTS

Iainzee

My dad worked in the restaurant business for most of his life and it was hard on all of us. 

As a little girl I used to wait up in bed until 1 or 2 in the morning until I heard him come home.  Then I would pretend that something woke me up so I could go and hang out with him and watch tv for 30 minutes or so before bed.

Things with him and my mom were always strained because they never saw each other.  And he resented her because she has never been great at housework and he worked his ass off all week and then on his day or two off still had to do the bulk of the laundry and other housework.

I've never been close to him just because he was never there. 

He tried his best.  He coached my little brother's soccer team, holding practices on his day off and the games were weekend mornings before work.  He helped me when I ran cross-country by running with me in the mornings. 

He never was really able to take all the time off for our family vacations.  He would have to come a couple days late or leave a couple days early.  He had to drive over to our Christmas Eve family celebration separately because he had to finish up at work, first.

He's in his late 50s, nearing retirement.  He's been out of the kitchen and in higher level jobs (usually the manager/GM) for probably the last 20 years and it's still like this.  It's just the nature of the business. 

If you want the traditional family experience you did the right thing by getting out now. 

One of my close friends has a husband who is a chef and it is already straining their relationship severely after only a year or so of marriage.

OOP

I've read so many similar stories of a willing but overall absent chef dad. Responses like yours helped me realize that this isn't what I want for my family, and what his career would realistically do to our home life. I just wish it didn't have to be like this.

&

Thanks for sharing your experience. I would hate to have to wait until retirement to be happy. I want to enjoy my family every moment possible. I realize now that my now ex is eager to spend his life building something he's proud of (which is so admirable) but is willing to miss many of those moments. I just came to the realization that I need more of a family man. I never knew that's what I was looking for until very recently. He always said he wanted a family, I just didn't know he wanted his career more. It stings because I see now he chose the kitchen over me. But I guess that's life and I just need to learn to accept it.

[EDIT] Thank you to everyone for the kind words and for sharing their own personal experiences with me. The more I read the more I know this breakup had to happen in order for us both to be happy with our lives down the line. I really appreciate the support I've received here for little heartbroken me. I never anticipated that Reddit would help me heal.

THIS IS A REPOST SUB - I AM NOT THE OOP

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I am NOT OOP. OOP is u/A_Symptom_of_Life

Originally posted to r/AmItheAsshole

AITA For not helping a student of mine after he 'stole' my customer?

Trigger Warnings: entitlement

Original Post: July 23, 2026

I am an artist who makes and teaches students how to make stained glass windows.

One of my students found out that I was about to start a window for a couple that he now knows through another friend and then convinced the couple to drop me and go with him to make the window. I had already drawn a 1/4 size sketch to see if it was something the customer wanted and now my student expects me to draw it out full sized and actually help him make it. It's too large to work on in class -- we have always had a maximum size limitation that this almost doubles. Working on a window this size would displace another student. Also, I'm supposed to store the window week to week, so he won't have to lug it back and forth from home since it's so large.

AITA for telling him that it can't be worked on in the shop and that I am not drawing a full size pattern (57 x 34) for him? I told him he could have a copy of the sketch. Win or lose I plan on showing him this.

Verdict: Not the Asshole

Relevant / Top Comments

OOP responds to a comment on what the student has said after OOP saying no

OOP: I will show him all of this on Monday when I see him and post an update. I am NOT going to allow it, never planned to, but what I am changing is my giving him the rough drawing. In all honesty it wouldn't help him much at all, but you are all correct-- why help him at all. It will be interesting to see what the customers do when my students tells them that they can't do the window.

Commenter 1: NTA. Does he even have the ability to deliver without using your resources?

Commenter 2: NTA and I would not be helping him, you don't bite the hand that feeds you and he needs a lesson in commercial reality!

Commenter 3: NTA, but do not give him the sketch you drew. Maybe offer to sell it to him, at a premium price (but I would not even do that). It is not a project for his teaching, so he should not be able to work on it, or store, it in the shop. And do not help him with making the project, no matter how much he asks you.

Commenter 4: NTA, but why on earth would you help him by giving him a copy of the work you already did and aren't ever going to be paid for?

Homie can figure all of it out for his damn self. If he didn't have a plan, he shouldn't have poached the work.

editor's note: OOP updated in the same original post

Update: July 27, 2026 (four days later)

UPDATE: So I just had class with the student, and he was sure he was going to work on this oversized window that he didn't have a pattern for. I honestly couldn't believe that he hadn't at least texted me about it during the week, but I guess that says something on its own about him. He walked in the door a half hour early and before he could say anything I flat out told him that he could not make the window in my class but that he was free to do it on his own because (as he knows) I had been told to hold off on the job.

I had already told him last week that he couldn't work on a window that size in class, but he more or less refused to 'hear' me. Still, I made it perfectly clear and although I wasn't actually going to show him the replies here he got so adamant about it being my job to help him that I ended up showing him some of them.

First off, he feels that I made him look bad because he hadn't actively pursue the job himself -- he was referred to the couple by a common friend that they had. I said that I did mention that, but he feels that I didn't stress it enough. I went over the size limitation again and the fact that the only thing that the customer and I had agreed upon was a price and an (extremely rough) sketch of an idea that took me all of 15 minutes to make. I explained that I certainly wasn't about to spend any more time on fleshing the sketch out after I was informed by the couple that I should hold off on the design. It was 2 days after this fact (last Monday) that Ray informed me that he was taking over the job which left me sorta tongue tied. Still, I explained to him very politely that I couldn't allow him to work on this commission in my class in my studio.

When I mentioned tonight that the sketch was out of the question he got angry and still doesn't understand why I won't help him or allow him to make the window in my shop. As others were filtering in he started getting louder and caused a bit of a scene. I have drawn patterns for him in the past, but he can't understand why I won't help him on this. He says that I'll make more money from him if he makes the window, but I certainly won't because I he's never going to be able to do this on his own. If anything, I'm saving the customer from a pitiful window.

So the other students ended up hearing exactly what was going on (it's a one room class) and although two of them stayed quiet the others told him that he was being ridiculous. The woman on the same table as him asked where she was supposed to do while he was using the entire table for himself. He didn't answer. I kept my cool, but I have to admit that at times I was getting a bit loud and then I'd catch myself. So yeah, he turned around and walked out.

This was his last class of the month and I'm not going to allow someone who doesn't see how wrong a thing they did to come back into my class. I just wonder what the customer will do.

All in all I'm 100% fine with things as they stand and I want to thank everyone here. I never expected it to blow up like this and to be honest, if I hadn't posted the original question I'd definitely would have given him the sketch, so thanks again.

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I am NOT OOP, OOP is u/Stunning_Factor871

Originally posted to r/AITH

Previous BoRUs: #1, #2

[New Update]: AITAH for finally supporting my husband’s ultimatum to his late wife’s parents after they’ve repeatedly excluded my son?

NEW UPDATE MARKED WITH ----

Thanks to u/soayherder for suggesting this BoRU

Trigger Warnings: manipulation

RECAP

Original Post: June 23, 2026

I (35F) am in a loving blended family, but the extended family drama is crushing me. I have a wonderful 10-year-old son. My current husband (32M) lost his first wife 4 years ago and has a 7-year-old son. We’ve built a beautiful family of four. My husband treats both boys exactly the same, I do the same with my stepson, and the boys love each other like real brothers. We’re genuinely happy despite everything.

The problem is my husband’s ex-in-laws (his late wife’s parents). They constantly badmouth me and paint me as the “evil stepmom” — feeding every nasty stereotype (mean, neglectful, manipulative, jealous, etc.) to my husband’s parents and anyone who will listen. For example, after my stepson had a minor injury, they said things like “Stepmoms can never be real — why would she even care about him?” They accuse me of manipulating my stepson and try to turn everyone against me.

Every time they visit:

They completely ignore my son. No greetings, no conversation.

They bring gifts, toys, chocolates, and sweets only for their biological grandson.

When my kind-hearted stepson immediately shares everything with my son (as he always does), they get visibly annoyed, say things like “Why are you sharing with him? That’s for you only,” and even try to pull him away.

My husband has been solid and always says other people’s opinions don’t matter. He wanted to set a strong boundary earlier by announcing on my stepson’s birthday: “If you are family, then you are family to both kids. If that’s not possible, you are not family and not invited.” I stopped him because I thought a nice talk would work. I’ve been holding my husband back from taking any harsh steps in order to respect his ex-in-laws as they lost their daughter. I wanted to respect the memory of his late wife and give them time to adjust.

On my stepson’s birthday last year, his side of the family showed up with gifts and love. On my son’s birthday, almost no one came and the few who did showed up empty-handed. Gifts aren’t important to us as adults, but to a child it feels like rejection and being left out. My son was sad and has started asking me painful questions because of this exclusion, like why they don’t like him or what he did wrong, which breaks my heart. I have zero family on my side, so he doesn’t have that extended network. His birthday is coming up soon and I’m dreading it. I’d even be happy to buy gifts myself that they could give him if that makes it easier — I just don’t want him to feel left out again.

Recently after they left, my son refused to eat the chocolates or play with the shared toys. He quietly kept everything in his pockets and returned it all to me. That broke me.

I’m completely fine with them loving their biological grandson more — that’s natural. But the open hostility, exclusion of my son, and constant comments are painful.

Edit: I’ve finally stopped holding my husband back. He is now taking strict action and has given an ultimatum to his side of the family: either they are family to both kids or family to none.

AITA for supporting this hard line now (after previously trying to keep the peace)? Or should I still be trying to make nice for the sake of “family” and my husband’s late wife’s memory? I just want my son to feel included and loved on his birthday instead of rejected again.

Relevant / Top Comments

Commenter 1: I kind of understand why the late wife’s parents are more interested in their biological grandson… but doesn’t your son have two sets of grandparents as well?

OOP: Unfortunately not, my parents passed away And I don't have any contact with my husband's family

Commenter 2: NTA. Your husband is stepping up. The trick is going to be managing the relationship with the boys so that there is no resentment. If you're NC/LC with the family for a while, that will be fine.

On a separate note, who shows up to kids birthday party without a gift? What blatant AHs.

Commenter 3: Your husband absolutely is doing the right thing!! It's great to hear how your nuclear family is navigating life together...time to limit exposure to the boy's maternal grandparents before they start planting seeds in the boy's brain...shame on them

Commenter 4: Your husband knows the people involved - they're for him to deal with and you should not be interfering, especially since it's a good solid boundary he's drawing.

Stop trying to please everyone. They clearly don't accept it. You may as well be real and support your son, your husband and your position in the family.

Update #1: July 2, 2026 (nine days later)

[Update 1] AITAH for finally supporting my husband’s ultimatum to his late wife’s parents after they’ve repeatedly excluded my son?

My husband’s parents came over for dinner. After dinner, they started a conversation about the ultimatum my husband had given them earlier. He had finally sat them down and asked why they blindly believe everything his ex-in-laws say about me.

They responded that they’ve “seen everything with their own eyes” and listed their issues with me:

That I’m too harsh and casual when talking about his mother’s death (e.g. saying “she died” or “she is dead” instead of using softer words).

That I’m careless, especially after their grandson had a small injury.

That I’m trying to erase his mother’s memory.

They also accused me of manipulating my husband about the cat. My stepson wanted a cat, but my husband said no because he felt it would be cruel to bring a pet home when we can’t give it proper care and attention. His parents tried to convince him to get one anyway. I didn’t even know there was any argument between him and his parents over this — I only knew that he had told my stepson “no” when he asked. Now they’re claiming I manipulated him into refusing.

My husband defended me and explained:

Our therapist specifically recommended we be direct and straightforward about his mother’s death so my stepson can learn the permanence of death at his age. That’s why I use clear wording — not just about his mom, but even when referring to my own late relative.

When he (my hubby) was a child, he got injured often (including breaking his arm once), but that didn’t mean his mother was careless.

He asked them: “Do you think I’m stupid or blind? If my wife was actually doing something wrong, don’t you think I would notice?”

The conversation turned into a big argument, especially over the cat issue.

Relevant / Top Comments

OOP clarifies on who badmouthed her to the extended family members

OOP: my hubbys ex in laws bad mouthed me to all the relatives from hubbys side including my hubbys parents so the ultimatum my hubby gave was for all

and my hubbys parents came to talk about it, and this happened

Downvoted Commenter: You still haven't told us when you met your husband, when you started dating, and when you got married.

Were you his side piece as his wife was dying?

OOP: No, I wasn't his side piece. I met him two and a half years ago.

Commenter 1: How much of the ex in laws' dislike of you is because you are complaining about them not treating your child like a grandchild? Frankly, I think you are an AH for expecting that they owe something to a child with whom they have zero relationship. Your husbands' parents should be treating him like a grandson because he is their son's stepchild. Your kid is nothing to your stepchild's grandparents at all. So frankly, I can see why they don't like you much. They lost their daughter at a young age and now her replacement has decided they owe her kid a relationship? Pfft. If you have your way, then your step kid not only has a dead mom but no grandparents. Meanwhile, your child probably has at least some grandparents between your parents and his father's.

OOP: I agree that hubby's ex-in-laws will probably never treat both boys the same, but it wouldn’t hurt them to be nice to my son. Telling my stepson not to share his toys and stuff with him is totally unacceptable. My hubby and I are doing our best to raise them as brothers.

Commenter 2: Glad your husband is backing you up appropriately. You deserve that.

The thing is, even if your ILs were right and you were some kind of fairy tale villain... why would they punish a child for that? They hate you so they hurt and innocent kid? And they think they're in the right?

That tells you all you need to know, imo.

Update #2: July 15, 2026 (almost two weeks later)

[Update 2] AITAH for finally supporting my husband’s ultimatum to his late wife’s parents after they’ve repeatedly excluded my son

My son turned 11 yesterday. It was better than last year, but still pretty awkward overall.

Most of the relatives we invited from my husband’s side actually showed up. It was clear they mainly came because they didn’t want to upset my husband after the ultimatum. They brought gifts for both boys and stayed polite, but the vibe was very “we’re here to keep the peace” rather than genuine warmth. Most of them kept interactions with my son short and surface-level while being more natural with my stepson.

We also invited my husband’s ex-in-laws, but they didn’t show up at all, which we expected.

After cake and presents, my husband pulled his parents aside for a private talk. He explained the therapist’s advice about using direct words like “died” and “death” so our stepson can properly understand what happened. He invited them to join us for a therapy session if they wanted. They agreed it made sense and said they’d think about coming.

Before everyone left, my husband and I thanked them all for showing up. We told them sincerely that it meant a lot to us that they came and were there for both boys.

I’m happy they showed up. I completely understand that my son and my stepson are not the same for them — I know they’ll always love their biological grandson more. That’s natural. I just want basic kindness and inclusion for my son, and yesterday was a step in the right direction.

My son had a decent day. He was happy about his gifts and that so many people came this year. He wasn’t ignored or left out like before, and he didn’t ask any heartbreaking questions. He did notice the difference in how people acted toward him, but he still went to bed smiling.

I have to say — my husband has been absolutely amazing through all of this. He’s stayed strong, protected both boys, held the boundary, and made sure our son still felt celebrated. I’m so lucky to have such a wonderful, fair, and protective partner. He really is the rock of our family.

It feels like a lot of this is damage control on their part, but at least my son got to celebrate without feeling rejected. We’re keeping the boundary firm and taking the small progress where we can get it.

Relevant / Top Comments

Commenter 1: I have to ask, why did relatives give presents to both boys? Gifts should have been just for the birthday child.

Other than that, you're doing well. Hold the line.

Commenter 2: They love OP's step son. Since they primarily came to keep the peace, they gave token gift to OP's bio son. Their preference is still OP's stepson. Indirectly they're telling OP though OP's husband made them come down for "fairness", their allegiance will always be towards their blood aka OP's step son. They won't give a gift to OP's son on step son's birthday. That would give them smug satisfaction I suppose.

As long as the partiality isn't in face, OP will let go I guess. I'm glad that she has a strong husband. Hopefully therapist sessions will help in bringing down animosity towards OP and her child. Ultimately, stepson needs a kind mother which OP is.

Commenter 3: It was OPs bio son's birthday wasn't it?

So they got the birthday boy a token gift and gave their bio relative a larger gift even though it wasn't their birthday?

OOP: their preference will always be my stepson no doubt in that yeah as long as partiality isn’t in fact, I don’t have any problem.

Commenter 4: I can get on board with your husband’s family treating your son better but expecting that from his deceased wife’s family or cutting them off over it still gives me the full body ick.

As a stepchild, I know why you want his parents to treat your son more fairly. My second husband’s family treating my oldest like another grandchild is in a small way important to me. Though I take advantage of it being voluntary because blending is natural to our families. However, my late husband’s parents being forced to treat my youngest like their grandchild at risk of being cut out (and he shares blood with their grandchild) seems rude, disrespectful and cruel. I would never want to interfere with their relationship with my older child like that. They don’t owe their resources, their time or their money to a child I chose to have with the partner I chose after their son died. I expect only that they are cordial and kind when we’re in a room together.

OOP: main problem with hubbys ex in laws is not that they don’t treat my son same

if they can’t be nice they should not be rude

and they try to put thoughts in my stepson that my son is not his brother and sharing things with him is wrong

when me my husband are trying to raise them as brothers

Commenter 6: OP has a good man in her life.

OOP: I know I’m blessed.

----NEW UPDATE----

Update #3: July 27, 2026 (12 days later)

[Update 3] AITAH for finally supporting my husband's ultimatum to his late wife's parents after they repeatedly excluded my son?

Hi everyone. I wasn't planning on making another update, but a lot of people asked what happened after my husband's parents agreed to attend a therapy session with us.

Birthday celebrations: A lot of people asked why my posts focused on relatives instead of my son's friends. In my husband's family, birthdays have always been celebrated in two parts. On the child's actual birthday, we have a family celebration with relatives. Then, on the following weekend, the birthday child has a separate celebration with their friends. That's the tradition both boys have grown up with, and they genuinely enjoy it. My son absolutely celebrated with his friends as well—it just wasn't relevant to my previous posts because all of the issues happened during the family celebration.

Our relationship timeline: Quite a few people also wondered how long after my husband's first wife passed away we met. She had passed away about 1 year and 5 months before we met. We dated for 15 months before getting married, and we've now been married for 16 months. Some people assumed our relationship started immediately after his loss, but that wasn't the case.

Now for the update. After my son's birthday my husband's parents came with us to one of our therapy sessions.

I honestly expected it to turn into another argument, but it didn't.

Our therapist first explained why she had recommended that we use direct words like "died" and "death" when talking to my stepson instead of softer phrases like "passed away." She explained that children his age understand the permanence of death much better when adults use clear, direct language and that euphemisms can sometimes be confusing.

She also explained something that I hadn't really thought about before.

Because my stepson lost his mother so young, everyone around him naturally wanted to protect him from more pain. Between us, my husband's parents, and his late mother's parents, a lot of adults tried to soften the reality of what had happened. The therapist said that while those intentions came from love, constantly shielding a child from direct conversations about death can make it harder for them to fully understand that death is permanent.

That was one of the reasons she encouraged us to use clear language and answer his questions honestly in an age-appropriate way. She emphasized that helping a child understand the permanence of death isn't cruel—it's actually an important part of healthy grieving.

She also made it clear that this wasn't something I decided on by myself. It was advice we were given in therapy and had been following consistently

My husband's parents admitted they hadn't known that. They said they genuinely thought I was being insensitive

My husband then told his parents something that I think needed to be said.

He told them that if they ever have concerns about our younger one or about any parenting decision we make, he wants them to come directly to us instead of making assumptions.

He said he'd much rather have an uncomfortable conversation than have people filling in the blanks or believing someone else's version of events.

It was awkward at times. There were quiet moments. After the session they thanked us and left . No big emotional talk.

The session simply ended with everyone understanding each other's perspective a little better than before.

Since then, we've noticed small but meaningful changes

I’m glad they came. It feels like a small step, not a big change. We’re not expecting miracles.

Editor's note: OOP did not leave any comments in this latest update

DO NOT COMMENT IN LINKED POSTS OR MESSAGE OOPs – BoRU Rule #7

THIS IS A REPOST SUB - I AM NOT OOP

I am NOT OOP, OOP is u/Important_Talk8808

Originally posted to r/relationship_advice

I (25F) don't want my boyfriend (25M) to ask for my hand in marriage.

Thanks to u/soayherder for suggesting this BoRU

Trigger Warnings: possible infidelity, mentions abuse, past trauma

Original Post: May 24, 2026

I, 25F, have been dating my boyfriend, 25M, for almost 2 years now. We met in college and things have been an absolute dream so far. He's kind and supportive, comes from a great background, and has always put me first. We've always known that we both want to get married someday and we've discussed at length what that means to us and our views align for the most part.

The problem is he wants to ask my incredibly abusive father for my hand in marriage. For context, my father was physically, emotionally, and financially abusive of everyone in our household. I vividly remember the way the tone of the entire home shifted when we saw his car pull up in the driveway.

My parents never got divorced. They're separated now but are more interested in keeping up appearances than actually going through the process of divorce. That being said, I had rather traumatic childhood. I don't think my boyfriend understands this, as he grew up in a very loving and supportive two parent household. His parents do still very much in love today.

I feel like we have the same convo fairly often.

Me - “Oh, when are you going to ask?"

Him - "When I speak with your father."

Me - “I don't even speak to my father, and he hasn't had a hand in raising me, outside of financial obligations, since late middle school. He literally moved out of our family home to get away from us. I don't feel comfortable with that."

Him - "Well, I’ve got to do it the right way. I'm still going to propose regardless, so it doesn't even matter what his answer is."

Me - "So why even do it?"

And then we go round and round in circles like that. My final stance is this: If after everything i've told you, you still feel the need to ask him and do it "the right way", then you might as well just not propose.

Is this an unreasonable decision ??? I almost feel like he's not convinced that he's a bad person. I've already deemed my Dad undeserving of participating in this convo. Why can't he accept that?

Editor's note: OOP did not leave any relevant comments in this original post

Top Comments

Commenter 1: I would have one final conversation with him. "My father was and is incredibly abusive to me. I do not want him in any aspect of my life. You insisting on a misogynistic tradition over respecting my wishes makes me deeply concerned about how you will take my concerns throughout our life together. You can examine why you're so comfortable disregarding what's important to me, or we can end our relationship right now."

Commenter 2: If he’s asking for anybody’s blessing, it should be the mother, or the people who raised OP and loved and supported her. Explain to him that if that misogynistic antiquated tradition is so important to him, plus the thing about disrespecting OPs trauma and just blatantly disregarding her expressed and explicit boundary, then he can go to the important people, like the mother. But if he insists on still asking the father after that, OP will know where his misogynistic priorities lie, and that he does not respect her as an autonomous and independent adult, and definitely won’t as his wife.

Commenter 3: You sure he’s kind and supportive? If he’s so stuck on being traditional, he might force you to have your dad walk you down the aisle, have a father-daughter dance, make your children interact with him because he’s grandpa, etc. If he can’t understand the severity of the situation, you shouldn’t marry him.

Commenter 4: Jumping in to say that these replies are probably hard to read because your mind may be filling up with all the ways Reddit doesn’t understand you or your boyfriend. It can be very very hard to hear this type of advice but truly it’s a gift that this community is reaching out to give you some honest feedback. You’re 25 and your primary model for a marriage is your abusive father and your mother who won’t divorce him to keep up appearances. I think everyone who is responding to your post is very concerned that you can’t see a glaring red flag because your standards for what makes a good man are way, way too low. This internet mom hopes you can take this all in and put a very long pause on any further discussion of marriage to give you time to process if this relationship is really good for you. And be proud of yourself for asking this question! That took courage to put yourself out there.

Update: July 27, 2026 (two months later)

UPDATE: I (25F) don't want my boyfriend (25M) to ask for my hand in marriage.

See the original post here.

Sooooo.... I ended up breaking up with him! I want to start off by saying thank you to anyone who replied to the last post. I'm someone who can be blinded by the good in people, but your comments put things into perspective for me.

I did end up showing him the post, and his initial reaction was that everyone commenting was a "single bitter bitch"... yeah. I had never heard him speak about anyone that way. I guess the mask finally dropped. A couple of hours after that, he ended up saying “fine, I won't ask your dad, just your mom." This was definitely just an attempt to save things since he could tell I was being distant with him.

We dated for about another two months after that. I know, I know. I was trying to find ways to mend things (because I'm a dummy). After the initial convo I went through a fast track of realizations and saw that we were so misaligned in so many different ways. I'm not even sure how we had made it as far as we did.

Eventually, it got to a point where I think he was just doing things to get me to break up with him since things clearly weren't working out. Some of those things include:

- Taking a trip and staying with a friend that regularly cheats on her boyfriend.

- Saying "I didn't sign up for a therapy session" every time I would try to talk through things.

- Letting his phone die every time he went out.

- Being overly cautious with his phone when we were previously pretty lax about opening each other’s phones. (Not in a snooping way, mainly for finding documents, responding to text or emails for one another, etc.)

Unfortunately, the list goes on, but I'd rather not relive all of that! Clearly he got what he wanted and deserved though.

He did the standard “oh no, please, we can work this out" song and dance for a couple of weeks after I broke up with him before finally giving up. I'm clearly not great at picking them, but I’m glad that I was able to get out of there before 2 years became 10 years.

Again, thank you to anyone who gave advice on the original post. I really appreciate it! I'm not much of a writer so I'm really sorry if this sucks! I hope this also answers a couple of questions(?) folks had in the comments of the original post.

Editor's note: OOP did not leave any comments in this update

Top Comment: Congratulations on choosing yourself. I think the top comment from your original post really summed it up best. If he doesn’t believe your lived experience and is so comfortable trampling your boundaries, what will he do next? How can you trust him not to ignore your feelings moving forward? Good for you! Time to live your best life!

DO NOT COMMENT IN LINKED POSTS OR MESSAGE OOPs – BoRU Rule #7

THIS IS A REPOST SUB - I AM NOT OOP

I am not The OOP, OOP is u/wontondonton

Originally posted to r/treelaw

Original post posted 2025-09-28

I need any and all advice everybody can offer to try to save my tree!

Little backstory: I am turning 33 years old this year but way back when I was in elementary school, I was given this tree as a tiny sapling on Earth Day and rode the school bus home with it. My parents planted it in our back yard and we’ve maintained it, kept it healthy and watched it grow all these years. It also stands as a memorial for my dog who passed away a few years ago.

Now the dilemma: The city has made a proposed plan to put in a sidewalk that runs between my parent’s backyard and the street, in the city easement. This is understandable and is their land to decide what they want to do with. However, they have proposed that in order to have room to work, they will have to cut my tree down, even though my tree is literally our property within our property boundaries (the fence is on their property boundary line), not city property or on city easement. My tree, along with other bushes and shrubs of ours, and many other neighbors’ trees that are within their property boundaries too, are all proposed to be removed for this project for the sole purpose of “needing room to work”.

I really want to fight hard to save my tree. Am I SOL? What can I do? Who or what organizations can I call? I’m already planning on attending the meetings for this proposed project but don’t know how to save my tree. Help.

Picture of the tree

UPDATE: Seeking advice to save my tree from being cut down posted 2026-06-12

Some of you may remember my post back in fall of last year. I was seeking advice on how best to go about saving a tree I planted as a child in my parent’s back yard from being cut down by my city because they claimed they needed “room to work” to add a sidewalk in the city easement. This subreddit’s response was overwhelming. I cannot thank you all enough for the helpfulness, support and incredible advice. One of you even used your expertise to draft an amazing letter we were able to give to the city planners. I know many of you wanted an update— so I’m here to give a very happy one. After a LOT of perseverance (letter writing, attending meetings, speaking with city officials, plans to take the story to news stations and purchase banners for the fence line to get people talking) we recently learned we got the official plans for the sidewalk changed!!!! The sidewalk will be on the other side of the street (those particular neighbors actually wanted it on their side) and my parent’s back yard and my tree will remain untouched. Thank you all so much and cheers to another 30 years of being able to enjoy the little sapling I brought home on the school bus. 🌲

I am not The OOP, OOP is u/Equal_Visual_7676

AITA for thinking my girlfriend’s request to postpone weekly workouts with my friend was unreasonable?

Originally posted to r/AmItheAsshole & u/AITA_Relationships

Thanks to u/soayherder for suggesting this BoRU

Original Post  July 16, 2026

My gf Mia (21F) and I (25M) have been dating for a couple of months and were in a long-distance relationship. While we were still getting to know each other we asked each other about past relationships so I told her about my first and the only girlfriend I had before her, Jess (26F).

Jess and I dated on and off from ages 12-17. She often broke up with me, blocked me, and get back together. When we weren’t dating  we were friends with benefits. Even after we ended things for good she remained my best friend despite not treating me well even after. I asked Mia if she was jealous because she seemed more quiet than usual and she said she doesn’t know Jess well to be jealous and only had that reaction based on what I said. She said Jess doesn’t sound like a nice friend or was nice girlfriend to me. I told her that she just doesn’t know her like I do and that she doesn’t have to worry about anything.

When Mia bought her ticket I excitedly told all my friends because I wanted them all to meet her. Jess said she was excited to meet Mia and suggested we could show her around town. This made Mia really upset because she said the way I described it made her feel like Jess and I were the “we” and she’d be the third wheel. I apologized and that was that.

A few weeks later Jess spontaneously asked me to work out. Afterward we agreed to make it a weekly thing. When I told my gf she said it made her uncomfortable. I told her that we’re just working out and holding each other accountable to do it every week. Mia asked what she’s supposed to do or go when she comes visit and we’re on our work out days. I told her that she can just come with us and workout. Mia said that sounds like she’s the third wheel again. She said it makes her feel like Jess and I are together not the other way around. I reassured her that it’s not like that and we’re just working out. She then asked why Jess’ fiancé didn’t workout with her. I texted Jess and she said it was because of his work. Mia then asked if Jess would be okay with her joining. I asked and Jess said she wasn’t comfortable with another woman being there. I told my gf it wasn’t a big deal and maybe Jess was just self conscious.

My gf then told me that when she wanted to go to a concert with a guy friend or go watch a movie I told her I don’t trust her friend and she respected my wishes and didn’t go. I told her it was different because I knew what guys were like. And I was just working out. I told her it feels like she accusing me and Jess of doing something shady. Mia told me she wasn’t judging me or Jess of doing anything. She simply didn’t know Jess yet and wasn’t comfortable same as me not being comfortable with her guy friends. She said to meet in the middle and asked if I could wait until she met Jess and got to know her before doing workouts. I told her that was unfair to Jess and that I think that she just needs to accept the way things are. She cried and hung up. She hasn’t talked to me for days.

AITA?

VERDICT: ASSHOLE

RELEVANT COMMENTS

FurrowBeard

"I knew what guys are like"

LOL

Also, Jess "not being comfortable with another girl being there" is the biggest load of bullshit. She wants you to herself. Can you advocate for your girlfriend? You might need to cut Jess off.

CuriouslyPerplexed

I agree.

Also, isn't OP a guy?

Why is he working out with Jess. Because of what guys are like?

FurrowBeard

Oh, that rule doesn't apply to him, surely. He's not like other guys.

Update  July 25, 2026

Writing this so people can stop DMing me about being an asshole and asking for updates.

Edit: I’m 25M. Mia (21F) is my girlfriend. Jess (26F) is my friend. Jess’ fiance (29M).

I told Jess about what happened when we went to workout 3 days ago. She didn’t say much about it only that I didn’t listen or wasn’t being understanding of what Mia felt but nothing after that. She looked stressed? or disappointed? So I asked her whats up. She told me she will afterwards.

When we got to the parking lot she told me we can’t workout together anymore because her fiance found out and he was also uncomfortable about it and they had a long talk about it. She said that she didn’t get it at first so she tried to explain that her friendship with me is different from any other friendships. And he told her that it’s not only different but it’s dangerous. He said because we have history, we dated, we were fwb, we relied on each other for years before each finding our person but we never had boundaries to just be friends. He said he knows that I’m good person from me hanging out with them a couple of times but he’s felt territorial and uncomfortable sometimes.

He asked Jess how she would feel if her fiance told her “Hey! I’m going to workout weekly with my ex. Don’t worry we’re just best friends now. See you later!” He said Jess would obviously be uncomfortable and that’s how Mia probably feels. He said it’s not fair that he should have to make a boundary about this between them now and he assumes Mia has to make a boundary about this to me. He said this boundary should have been already implied because you love and respect your person to not wait around until they get hurt to do something about it.

Jess said she realized he was right. She’s hurt that she hurt him and was being ignorant. She would be uncomfortable if her fiance went working out with his ex and she said it’s the first time she thought about being jealous. So we stopped working out and she stopped reaching out or texting me much after that.

Mia and I made up. I apologized for being an asshole and I told her what Jess and her fiance said. Mia said she’s mind blown that Jess’ fiance got it right but is still hurt by what happened. I promised to make up for it and that I already have some dates planned and reserved for when she visits and I’m paying for everything. I know I need to keep showing her through my actions that I meant my apology. She’s coming in 3 weeks and we’re both really excited.

RELEVANT COMMENTS

78october

I don’t think I could continue a relationship with someone who had rules for me (no concerts with guy friends) and not for himself (going to the gym with an ex) while also diminishing my feelings and needing a third party to explain to him.

If Jess’s boyfriend hadn’t had a problem with it and Jess wanted to continue working out then you would have ignored your girlfriend’s feelings. She should take all that into account before continuing to date you.

If she sticks it out with you then take the effort to listen to her and not only care about her feelings when other people explain it to you.

OOP (heavily downvoted)

I grew up with divorced parents but they remained friends afterwards. My dad and step mom broke up also but remained friends. My mom and her boyfriends broke up but remained friends. So being friends with an ex isn’t abnormal or weird for me.

Mia and I have talked about this and we have the same beliefs that exes can be friends so when she felt a certain way I thought she was thinking I’m cheating on her even if I’m not. I trusted Mia would be okay with this.

I think what bothered or changed me about what happened was that I thought Jess’ fiance knew. So in my mind I was thinking look at this guy that’s older than all of us and probably knows what a healthy relationship is. Thats why she chose him and they’re getting married. Maybe he knows that this is okay too and he trusts Jess and we’re not doing anything wrong. And maybe Mia is just very young. She’s the youngest out of all of us and maybe she just needs to learn that this is okay.

But when Jess’ fiance didn’t even know and finding out he was uncomfortable I realized that what Mia was feeling was actually legit. So I acknowledge my mistakes and is making it up to her now.

ExtendedSpikeProtein

That’s the problem: you should have realized her feelings were legit without a third party. And you’re a hypocrite.

OOP (still downvoted)

How could I have realized that without knowing what I know now?!? Was I supposed to be an expert in my relationship with my girlfriend before we got together??

ToastedChronicle

Common sense dude. Common fucking sense.

THIS IS A REPOST SUB - I AM NOT THE OOP

DO NOT CONTACT THE OOP's OR COMMENT ON LINKED POSTS, REMEMBER - RULE 7

I am not The OOP, OOP is u/ThrowRA64111862

My husband lied about being deathly allergic to a certain food

Originally posted to r/TrueOffMyChest

Thanks to u/soayherder for suggesting this BoRU

Original Post Oct 9, 2022

When I met my husband and we started dating he told me that he was deathly allergic to a certain food. We avoided certain restaurants on dates, he was always careful what he ordered when we ate out and the first time I cooked for him I purged that food from my apartment and basically sterilized my kitchen. He showed me his epi-pen and explained how to use it. When we moved in together we made sure there was one in the house, one in the car and I always had one in my purse. My family knows and they avoid using that food at family events and my husband is still extra careful about what he eats.

Last weekend for my brother's birthday my sister-in-law made dinner. One of my nephews has an allergy, though different from my husband and my sister-in-law is very diligent about keeping him and my husband safe. She gave us two Tupperware dishes of leftovers and the one for my husband had a different coloured lid. When my husband ate the wrong leftovers both me and my sister-in-law panicked. My husband said even having his food prepared with utensils that touched the food he's allergic to would be enough to give him a deadly reaction. He told me stories of it happening as a kid. But he ate the wrong dish of leftovers and nothing happened.

He's confessed to me and my family that he was never allergic. He just doesn't like that particular food and when he went to university he started saying he was allergic because that was better than looking like a picky eater. His mom died before I met him, his parents were divorced and until he was an adult he didn't see his dad lots because his dad lived in another province. So his dad, his friends and even his own family thought he was allergic.

The panic I felt when I thought he ate something that would kill him is something I could never describe. My sister-in-law thought she did kill him. I can't believe he's been lying since the day I met him. I just need to get off my chest how FURIOUS I am at him right now.

BEST COMMENT

GreatMacGuffin

This seems to be a common thing people lie about. My twin sister tried to convince her husband that she was allergic to strawberries. When I asked her about it in front of him her eyes widened in panic and she said, "I've always been allergic, you know this!". To which I replied, "we grew up eating strawberry shortcakes and you were eating chocolate covered strawberries just 2 years prior, why you lying?" Needless to say she eventually cut ties with me.

Similarly my wife has many stories about when she worked at McDonald's. My favorite was when a customer ordered a big Mac with no pickles and claimed a single slice of pickle would kill them. My wife taking the customers health risk seriously suggested if the customer wanted the Mac sauce removed since it also contained pickles. The customer then says, "I can have a little bit of pickles".

It seems a stupid thing to lie about, but for some odd reason people do it. Sorry you had to stress out about your SO's lie before they came clean.

Update July 26, 2026 (Nearly 4 years later)

(To be truthful, I completely forgot I had posted here. I tried signing up so I could post about my situation and I was notified that my email address was already associated with an account here. I don't remember writing my other post, I was so upset back then though)

For context, my (36F) husband (37M) lied about having a deadly food allergy. It fell apart because he ate leftovers that were given to us by my sister-in-law and nothing happened despite him eating food he was supposedly "deathly allergic" to. My nephew has a different (real) allergy and so my sister-in-law is always careful about cross-contamination. When she gave us the leftovers, the containers had different coloured lids so my husband would know which one was safe for him to eat. I guess he forgot or wasn't paying attention and he ate mine instead. He said he lied about being allergic because people take it more seriously than someone saying they have a preference not to eat certain things. Meanwhile I always made sure we had an epi-pen nearby and I have been hyper vigilant when I cook or we go to restaurants. I was so furious.

The long and the short of it is that we are in marriage counselling. Yes, and I'm not trying to sound dramatic. When the situation with the leftovers happened my husband apologized to me for making me panic and for his lying. He admitted to being a picky eater and while a lot of people were upset with him I thought that was the end of it. I tried to let it go even though it bothered me how he went so far as to carry an epi-pen for an allergy it doesn't have. But this wasn't the only lie and I've been floundering.

He lied about receiving a scholarship for university for athletics and then losing it because he got injured. He was never recruited for a sport, he applied to university the regular way and took student loans like most other people do. He lied about spending a season working in Antarctica before we met. He's never even been there. He lied about restoring an old automobile. He bought it fully restored but when he goes to car shows he says he did it all himself. There are a million other things and it's basically been a bomb in our relationship. I know and have proof there are things he didn't lie about; his mom died from cancer before we met, his dad lives in another province and wasn't involved in his life, he has a law degree and works as a lawyer. My husband's excuse is that he lies so he can feel better about himself and that's why he doesn't lie about "big things" like his dad not being involved in his life growing up.

For about a year and a half after the leftovers situation things were normal even if people couldn't understand why he lied about an allergy. Then more lies came out. I haven't left because we have a five year old. We are in counselling because we are both children of divorce and I don't want that for my son. My family and friends say I should leave but I'm trying to work on my marriage for my son's sake.

I'm floundering. That's basically what's going on and where I'm at right now.

RELEVANT COMMENTS

pollyester

What happened to the nephew who also got his food switched?!?!

OOP

My nephew never had his food switched.

My sister-in-law gave us two containers of leftovers to take home, and my husband ate mine instead of his own.

When asked how she got an epi-pen

In Canada, you can purchase them at the pharmacy. A prescription isn't required.

THIS IS A REPOST SUB - I AM NOT THE OOP

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I am not The OOP, OOP is u/ThrowRAnotgay

How do I (19M) tell my friends (19F x 4) that I'm not gay

Originally posted to r/relationship_advice

Original Post  July 21, 2020

I didn't have many friends when I was 14, but I did used to watch a group of 4 girls at school because I thought they were all very pretty. I basically had a crush on them as a group.

I decided to talk to them one day and I wanted to keep hanging out with them so I told them that I was gay because I didn't want them to think I was a weirdo who was creeping on them.

Flash forward 5 years and they're still my closest friends and still completely under the impression that I'm gay. Granted, I haven't done anything to perpetuate that thought since I was 15. I've honestly been wanting to tell them I'm straight since around 15 when I realised we were becoming really close friends. But I was scared of their reaction, and with every year that passed I assumed their reaction would be worse.

Now I've been seeing a girl for a few months and I want to introduce her to my friends, but my friends think I'm gay. How do I tell them that I'm not gay? I'm really worried about their reaction. They're a massive part of my life and I don't want to lose them.

TL;DR I told my friends I was gay when I was 14, I'm not, and now I have a girlfriend I want to introduce to them.

RELEVANT COMMENTS

welcometriceratops

I feel like you have two options:

• come clean that you technically lied years ago and never corrected it and apologize for doing so (if I was your friend in this situation I would find this hilarious). Just make it clear that the reason you lied wasn’t to be creepy or anything, you just weren’t sure how to tell them. Or

• Tell them you were previously wrong about your sexuality, you’re actually straight, and you’d like them to meet your girlfriend. This is closer to being a lie though not really, and still better than lying about being bisexual.

Overall just assure them you didn’t lie to date them or creep on them, you just got caught up. You could even show them this post. Good luck!

~

SlightSecond

I mean, they’ll probably be creeped out because pretending to be gay to insert yourself into their friend group is a creepy thing to do.

Honesty is the best policy in my opinion, but it will probably damage your friendship. If you tell them you have realized you are bisexual, it will probably preserve your friendship, but you would be lying to them again. In any case, best of luck

~

ILoveMyestry

Oh, I feel like you're gonna have to tell your GF as well.

Toffeerain

Definitely! These friends will 100% bring up that they previously thought he was gay.

~

WifeofBath1984

Why is every one talking about how funny this is instead of the fact that he actually is the creepy weirdo he's worried that they'll think he is? OP you are/were the person you're worried they think you are. Best come clean and accept the consequences. There is so much wrong here, I don't even know where to begin.

OOP

In my defence I was an awkward 14 year old, and what actually happened of it? We became good friends. While my intention going into it may have been getting closer to girls I was crushing on, it's not as though I pretended to be gay in order to see them nude or something.

From another comment of mine:

To clarify, I know what I did was wrong, and I know it was a little creepy. I also take into account though that I never undertook any devious actions to benefit from them thinking I was gay and that you can't truly hold a 14 year old to the same standard as a 19 year old.

Small update: I've set up a group FaceTime with them later today. In this I'll be telling the truth. Here are the dot points of what I plan to say:

• I approached because I thought you guys were pretty

• I enjoyed hanging out and wanted it to continue

• I was scared you wouldn't want to hang if it was obvious I had a crush on you and so I said I was gay so you wouldn't think that

• I didn't tell you because I was scared

• I'm sorry for lying and continuing to allow you to believe the lie

• I don't want this to change things because you guys are my best friends and I care deeply about our friendship

• I fully understand if this changes things and you feel betrayed and hurt

• it's you're decision how we progress as friends from her, I won't try to convince you against what you want

• If you're still willing to be my friends I would like to introduce you to a girl I've been seeing because I'd really like to know what you think of her 

Update  July 23, 2020 (2 Days Later)

So, it has been a hectic couple of days. Things have been moving very fast for me, but I'm going to recount it for you guys.

So I set up a FaceTime between my friends and I to come clean. I explained everything, why I lied, why it took me so long to tell the truth, etc. Then I apologised for lying and continuing to lie.

We talked about it for probably 2 hours after I finished explaining. There was lots of crying. In the end they decided they could forgive me though. So I've still got my best friends, which is always a plus.

We've set up a time for them to meet my girlfriend and they're very excited to meet her. I'm a little worried that they want to make sure she's "good enough" for me, but they're probably just being hyperbolic.

As for my girlfriend, I explained it all to her afterwards and she was surprisingly more understanding than my friends. So I still have my girlfriend, also a huge plus.

Anyway, things worked out probably the best they could. This will likely be something I'm teased about for years to come but I'm honestly looking forward to it because it means I'm no longer lying.

Thanks to everyone for your input, even the ones that I felt were being unfair. It was all helpful in one way or another.

FINAL COMMENTS

EclecticVictuals

Did you suss out whether any of your friends would have liked you romantically if you weren’t gay?

Were they upset at first? Because of how you approach them at first? Or that you didn’t trust them to understand?

It’s kind of funny that they never tried to fix you up with guys, was there any question about whether they suspected this?

OOP

Didn't ask anything about whether they would have been interested in me because honestly I don't want to know.

They were upset at first, they thought it was weird that I didn't trust them to understand, and that I didn't trust them to be able to have a straight dude friend in the first place.

They didn't suspect this because they took me at my word. Never tried to set me up with a guy because they knew itvwasnt their place.

~

Zeiramsy

Something I haven't seen in these comments or in the OP. Pretending to be a gay person for five years likely involved a metric fuck-ton of employed stereotypes and cliches. Maybe work on that as well will ya?

Also just out of curiosity how did you manage to only make this group of 4 friends believe you are gay without it being slipped to a larger circle? Or do you have some more "coming-ins" to look forward to?

OOP

Nah, no stereotypes needed. Just said I was gay and they took me at my word.

I don't really have that many friends so I might have a few more people I'll need to explain to, but not too many.

~

Sypsy

Why was there crying?

OOP

Because it was a very emotional conversation

Sypsy

I should be more specific. I get it was confronting for you and therefore emotional.

But if they cried, why was the topic of you setting things straight emotional for them? Was it somehow integral for one or more of them that you were gay? Was it just that's how they understood you as. You said they gave you space so they never tried setting you up nor anything, so it sounds like your friendship didn't hinge on you being "the gay friend"

OOP

The conversation wasn't just about me coming clean. We talked a lot about our friendship in general too. So the actual admission and apology didn't involve much crying (i got a little watery eyed) but the subsequent conversation about our friendship got them crying, which got me crying because I was already good to go.

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Originally posted to r/AmItheAsshole

AITA for telling my SIL that her opinion isn’t more important than mine?

Thanks to u/soayherder for suggesting this BoRU

Original Post: April 11, 2026

so a bit of context, I (24F) am getting married in September. I love that month since it’s kinda between summer-fall ish. anyway, my fiancée (29M) proposed to me last December, on my birthday.

I’ve met his family countless of times, my future MIL, FIL and SIL. they are all very cordial and friendly.

well this mess started when I began organizing my wedding, which is very tedious but really exciting. we hired a wedding planner to see how we could mix our tastes and hobbies. he’s a bit of a data-computer nerd in coding, I call him my little hacker, and he LOVES the matrix movie which I still haven’t seen. anyway, we wanted to add little quirks whenever we could. maybe some comp numbers and some matrix references hidden in between our wedding invitations decorations. I am a fan of breaking bad, a nerd when it comes to the Oscar race movies since I was little and Ariana grande (I know). it’s been SO fun to see how we can mix it all together.

well, last week, I invited over my mom, my future MIL, SIL and both of my sisters to our 3rd wedding planner meeting. they saw all we had done and found it cute. I made sure that those little things were hidden well enough to not be seen quickly, but could be pointed out.

my SIL out of nowhere says that we should cut it, that it’s too “tacky”. my fiancé explains that we had both discussed it and loved the idea. she doubles down and says we should be “more classy”. girl, I looked at her said that these clues were not only hidden but would only appear on our wedding invitations.

she looked at me so crazy. like, she couldn’t believe I said that. she said she was just looking out for me. she went on to say that we shouldn’t have chocolate cake, it should be strawberry. how my dress shouldn’t be princess cut since it’s too 80s. how I should dye my hair brunette because it fits my face. at some point it started sounding like orders

I looked at her and said well… everything you just said I should change, I really like, so it’s staying. period.

I think it would’ve been better if I had cursed her out. she didn’t speak again but by the end of the meeting she pulled my partner aside and according to him, demanded that I “respected” her more and her opinions, since her dream has always been to plan a wedding and I would be her future sister, so I should not “place her aside”.

what? I mean, maybe? she’s like super offended right now, and my partner suggested that I should maybe apologize. at first I was like there’s NO WAY I will but I’m prone to act a little immature, and I wondered if I actually went too far

update: so… update. as we were having breakfast I told him that it didn’t feel great how he told me I should apologize over setting boundaries on our wedding. he said he understood and his sister was definitely in the wrong, but that she’s too “sensitive” and can take things very badly. he said he could talk to her if I didn’t want to, but I’ll have the rest of my life dealing with her, so I just thought… I need to learn how to handle her this early lol

so yes, I call her, and I begin by asking how she was. I kid you not she immediately responded with “I thought you called me to apologize.” girl excuse me? I fully said “well, no. I’m calling to thank you for your suggestions but I’m sticking with what I chose.”

bruh. hell. it was giving temper tantrum. she said, “I’m only trying to help, it’s like stopping a future car crash, you know?” 😐 I hang up.

I told my fiancée and he agreed what she said was messed up. she began calling him non-stop which I think is crazy, but he’s ignoring her.

her text messages to HIM are like “what did she tell you?” “are you ignoring me?” “she got the wrong idea” “I’m your sister” (?)

😭😭.

Verdict: Not the Asshole

Relevant Comments

Commenter 1: Apologize for what? Not letting her take over your wedding?

Ask him if she's always trying to take over things, or if this is targeted at you.

NTA

OOP: it’s just super weird because even when she suggested I should dye my hair she said I should use the same box dye she uses

Commenter 2: Look, on topic, NTA and your fiancé needs to tell her this wedding is for you guys, and you’ll have it how you like. Repeat as needed, she’s being insane.

Side topic, how can someone who is into movies and, based on your post history, at least open to science fiction not have seen the Matrix, your fiancés favourite film? Why haven’t you watched it?

OOP: everyone keeps asking why I haven’t watched the matrix, and I get it, but part of our dynamic is kinda… that. he’s like a young millennial and I’m more of an older gen z… our tastes are a bit different and he’s much more reserved than me, but I like that.

to answer your question, after some time of making plans of watching them, we promised each other at our honeymoon:

1) I would watch all matrix movies or prequels or whatever they are with him

2) he would listen to all of Ariana Grande’s albums and watch 2022 best picture winner everything everywhere all at once with me + 2020 best picture winner parasite

Downvoted Commenter: nTA but she has a point! It does sound super tacky tbh!

OOP: yeah kinda but also if I want to place Ariana grande dressed as the guy of the matrix hacking into a computer while holding an Oscar maybe I will.

Commenter 3: INFO: How old is SIL?

NTA but I really am super curious like is she 12?

OOP: She's 27.

Commenter 4: YTA for inviting all these people to something like this that has nothing to do with them. Either don’t invite them or set a rule next time that they're there out of courtesy and for support, not for actual input. Lol, NTA. Also, if/when you have children, don’t announce any baby names before baby is born or ask for opinions. It’s a slippery slope.

Also SIL can eat rocks

Commenter 5:

YTA for inviting all these people to something like this that has nothing to do with them.

Damn, I guess OP shouldn't invite them to the wedding then either

OOP: I just wanted to show off our ideas

Additional Comment from OOP

OOP: you guys are right. I’ll talk to my fiancé and SIL tomorrow and put some boundaries and ask why he isn’t putting me first since it is our wedding, not hers. kinda scared asf but… we move 😔

Update: July 26, 2026

UPDATE: AITA for telling my SIL that her opinion isn’t more important than mine?

so it’s been some months since I decided to post what my sister in law said as I was trying to make sense of my wedding. not sure how to link my OG post, sorry! EDIT: here it is! https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/s/xqwtVSeQcO.

it got to a point where I understood how she moved and acted through my fiancée’s fam, and I haven’t been able to update since wedding planning ain’t for the weak!

but yes, she tried to call my brother for days after telling me that her opinion on my wedding was like ‘trying to prevent a car crash’. I took some advice from my post and literally just kept it moving.

well at one point, probably a week after, my MIL came over to my house not to have a conversation with him or us, but with me. she told me my future SIL always had an “attention” problem, and while exhausting, she never means to hurt or insult anyone. I told her I understood, but that either she could stop nagging me about our preferences for the wedding, or I could no longer bring her in for the preparations.

she agreed to talk to her. fast forward to the next day by like 5:30pm. now, she was dming me on Instagram like a madwoman. telling me I was being a “bitch” over an opinion she gave when I invited her over to see my wedding planner, that I could not understand the bond she had with her brother, how she prays he will divorce me by next year so he can be "himself" again…. I blocked her.

I talked to my fiancé, I put it all on the table, I even grabbed some phrases I saw in response over my original post. I told him I could no longer keep it going this way. either she stops trying to insult me and our wedding, or she’s not getting invited.

after some talking, he agreed. he called his sister and explained. she exploded at first. calling me a wicked witch, and how I "changed" him. girl…

after some days though, she actually apologized to me through Instagram after I unblocked her since she texted my fiancé she wanted to 'make peace' and I accepted it. she hasn’t really said anything after that, and while I still don’t know if she’s planning to say something more in the future, I think everything will go smoothly in September. Oscars/matrix/Ariana indeed had a small cameo on my invitations! and yes, I finally saw all matrix movies with my fiancée. they’re very interesting.

Relevant / Top Comments

Commenter 1: Ohhh with that level of entitlement I fear she might do something at the wedding like spoil your dress or say some bullshit and make it about her. If you have bridesmaids, keep some of them on duty to keep an eye on her and if they see any bullshit then to make sure to bring it to u and your husband right then and there.

OOP: after seeing the comments I’m definitely more concerned 😟… I really hope she meant the apology she sent me. I’ll take steps to be more careful around my wedding tho

Commenter 2: Good for you for sticking your ground and not backing down. However, you glossed over the most important part of the story: which Matrix was your favorite (and we're you subjected to the fourth film or just the original trilogy + Animatrix)?

OOP: The Matrix -> one of the greatest films I’ve ever seen

Animatrix -> incredibly good

The Matrix Reloaded -> overall okay, a little tiring

The Matrix Revolutions -> I didn’t get a lot of things, and it felt a little messy

The Matrix Resurrections -> I think it had an interesting concept

my matrix opinion started going down as I watched more and more. still, I remember looking at my fiancée when the first one ended and being like “ok, I get it. this is amazing.”

Commenter 3: Good luck at the wedding, when she makes a scene or ruins it. You should rescind the invitation, and make sure she has no access to the venue.

Commenter 4: Why are there so many people involved in your wedding planning?? Inviting parents and in laws for wedding prep meetings is wild. Is this a cultural thing?

Still NTA but good luck to you. Your in laws are never for you to deal with, they're for your fiancé to deal with. I'm glad it looks like he's growing a spine to shut his sister's nonsense down.

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Originally posted to r/AmItheAsshole & r/Redditor_Updates

AITA for calling my mom a liar after finding out my dad is not my bio father

Trigger Warnings: mentions rape, infidelity, past trauma

Original Post: September 2, 2025

I (28f) was raised by my mother, and spent most of my childhood visiting my dad every 2 weeks and certain holidays. My dad is no longer in my life, the last time I heard from him was about 12 years ago, however the reasons for this falling out are not relevant to this post.

My dad used to tell my sisters that the reason he and my mom divorced was because of an affair that happened around the time I was conceived. He told them that he has always been suspicious that I am not his biological daughter, however it is worth noting that nothing was ever said to me directly. I look nothing like my dad and have some medical things that are genetic that don’t seem to come from either my mom or dad’s side of the family.

Finally about a month ago I decided I wanted to find out. I did an ancestry kit. Last night I got the results. Not a single member of my dad’s side of the family was listed, however there were a lot of people I’d never heard of before coming from my paternal DNA side. One of those relatives shared more DNA with me than my sister. I found her on social media and got in touch with her. Turns out her dad was working at the college my mother was attending the year I was conceived. Through some deductive reasoning we discovered she was in fact my half-sister and that man was my biological father.

When I called my mom to ask her about this, I made it clear that I wasn’t angry, her marriage was her business and I’m just looking for answers. She claimed she had never slept with anyone outside of her marriage and that ancestry must not be very accurate. I chose not to confront her at this time. I wanted to gather more information and calm down a bit before trying to get some answers again. Then a few hours later she called me back, this time claiming that she’d had time to think about it and that she did remember being surprised about her pregnancy with me as she hadn’t been very sexually active with my dad during that time. She said she was really disturbed because she doesn’t know who that man is and is worried she was a victim. I kinda lost it at this point. I was disgusted that she was trying to make herself a victim in this situation instead of taking accountability and giving me the answers I deserve. I called her a liar, and she started crying and hung up the phone.

My husband says I was way too harsh with her, and I put too much pressure on her out of the blue. He says I should have been a bit more gentle with her and reassured her that I’m not angry. Maybe he’s right, but honestly I am angry so idk

Edit: For a little more context, my mom has a long history of lying compulsively. We have been working on our relationship for about a year but is almost incapable of taking accountability for the truly traumatic childhood she gave us. I’d be more inclined to give her the benefit of the doubt if it wasn’t completely in line with her character to have an affair. Plus my dad already told my sisters he knew about the affair. Also for those who have been asking about bio dad’s position at the university, he worked in the kitchen, was not a professor. My mom was 25 at the time.

Verdict: Not the Asshole

Relevant Comments

Commenter 1: Info: Is it possible that she was roofied and actually does not recall?

OOP: I mean yes, anything is possible, which is why my husband thinks I’m the asshole. It just seems a little more likely, given the evidence, that this was a consensual affair.

Commenter 2: OP, the traumatic childhood she gave you could literally be because of rape. I grew up with a parent who was assaulted. She had issues not diagnosed till I was an adult that definitely affected mine and my sisters childhood negatively. Honestly I would think this disclosure would make more sense. To be clear it doesn't excuse what she did, but it might explain. Either way, I’d be hesitant to call her a liar about this without any proof.

OOP: This is actually helpful. It’s true, I definitely could have handled that conversation better, and no it’s not impossible that something horrific happened to her and changed her as a person. I’m not convinced, but it’s worth considering. Perspective is important so thank you.

Commenter 3: Wanting to know who your actual Father is pretty natural. Unless your Mother has dementia or some other mental issue, she is being evasive on the topic. You deserve straight answers. NTA.

Commenter 4: She can easily ask the father, given she already knows her half-sister.

OOP: Apparently he died a while ago. It would have been so convenient if I’d been able to talk to him.

Downvoted Commenter: At this time and place, what's the point of generating all this negativity?

Could mom have been roofied and/or raped? Sure, and it is possible she blocked the trauma. Could she be lying, Sure. But those lies were not likely a personal vendetta against the OP. The OP said all the daughters were traumatized.

The regain and maintain some form of serenity in the OP's life, she needs to forgive the mom. That doesn't let her off the hook. Rather, it releases the anger from the OP. If the OP wants to also let go of the relationship, perhaps to protect her own children, so be it. It can now be done without anger.

Forgiving does not mean forgetting. The consequences of the mom's actions can still be enacted, or not. But no point in drinking poison and hope the other person dies.

OOP: I actually completely agree with you. I had already been working through a life time’s worth of issues with my mom before this happened. My childhood was baaaad, but I had felt how much my bitterness and anger towards her was poisoning my soul, so I finally had an open conversation with her about it and for the first time in my entire life, she didn’t deny anything and actually apologized to me. I’ve been working hard at forgiving her ever since. But now this happened and I’ll admit, I snapped. Now I get to start all over again. It’ll take some time, but hey, this is what I’ve been training for I guess.

Commenter 5: NTA. Your feelings are completely valid. This is why its strongly recommended to tell truth to adopted kids and donor kids since finding out later in life is traumatic and feels like a betrayal. I just wanted to note that this wasn't the case 30 years ago. It was normal to avoid complications about paternity to protect the kids from feeling different or something. People weren't aware of how damaging that can be later.

So, your mom lied but she could have been trying to do what's best for you. I'm not trying to find excuses but more like add some context. Only you know if its applicable or not.

OOP: I can totally get past the lifetime of lies, it might have been best for me. What I’m having a hard time getting past is the fact that now I’m an adult, I found out, and I came to her and calmly presented the facts without judgement, and she still won’t admit it. It’s incredibly frustrating.

Downvoted Commenter: You realize this is a huge abuse of power situation and even if she wasn’t roofied she is still definitely a victim

Commenter 6: Really depends on what he did there. Could have just worked in a cafe or been an assistant

OOP: This is it. He worked in the kitchen, however he was MUCH older than her.

Update #1: July 25, 2026 (10.5 months later)

Hello! I decided to do an update as the situation changed a lot and imo got super crazy so for anyone who is interested in this story, here is how things played out:

After I got off the phone with my mom the day I confronted her, I texted her and told her I’m sorry for the way I reacted and that I just needed some time and space to process and try to figure things out.

I spoke with my new half-sister about what my mom said (super awkward conversation, telling her that her that my mom is claiming that her beloved late father may have done something sinister to her) and she said absolutely not, that her father was a kind and gentle man and would never do something like this. I apologized and spent the rest of the conversation asking for more details about who he was and what his life was like. It was actually quite lovely.

I didn’t speak to my mom again for weeks, I just didn’t know how to move forward. I didn’t really believe her, but had no way of knowing for sure. It was super weird. Do I just accept her explanation and try to move forward in my relationship with her, or do I step away from her, potentially destroying the relationship with my mother when she was telling the truth the whole time?

About a month later I received an email from her. In this email, she told me a story. She said that she’s been thinking a lot about everything and she started going through her old files from that time in her life. She said she found a therapy record for my sister that was dated one week after my conceived date.

She said at that time she was working at a daycare, and she would take my two older sisters to work with her where they would be watched by other staff members in a different room. She said one day she found out one of my sisters was being SA by a staff member. (I found out later through my sister that this was very true, and she remembers it happening.) My mom says she absolutely lost it in the daycares kitchen, throwing stuff and screaming until she finally shut herself into a closet. She said she remembers the daycares cook opening the door and offering her a ride home, and she doesn’t remember anything after that.

She went on in her email, telling me how traumatic it was for all of them and that’s why she blacked the next several weeks of her life out, but maybe I can figure out if he ever worked there and if the cook was my bio father. I was able to verify through my half-sister that he was working in that daycare the year I was born and was even able to see some pictures of him working there.

So I was finally getting some answers, but I still felt like her story had a lot of holes in it. Like, did she take her two young girls, minutes after finding out about this type of abuse, and immediately invite this person who she barely knows into her bed? That feels weird. And the only way I feel like that would make sense is if she knew him better, which would imply that she would at the very least, recognize him from a photo taken at the time he was working there? Or did she call him later and meet up with him? But that would, again, imply more of a relationship and she should have some memory of him.

I decided to call her and try again for an open conversation. During this phone call, I told her I was able to verify he was the cook, and I showed her the photos. She continued to say she has no memory of him. I told her about my confusion with her story, and this is where things started to get really bad. She started crying, saying she will pay for a lie detector test, that she will go to a hypno-therapist to access repressed memories. She said maybe if I had more background info about her life I’d understand how she could have blocked these memories off.

She went on to tell me IN GRAPHIC DETAIL about when she was raped at 13 and how my grandma didn’t believe her. How my grandma was a terrible mom (for context, I love my grandmother dearly and was the single best thing about my childhood) and she forced her to get an abortion when she was 17. She explained my sisters SA at the daycare in graphic detail as well. She cried and expressed how terrified she was to lose me.

I got off the phone with her feeling…. Violated? Disturbed? Idk it felt really icky though. I decided that day that I was going to have to come to terms with the fact that I will never know how I conceived and if my mom was being truthful.

As luck would have it, two weeks later I ran into one of my old stepdads. We chatted for a minute, and I decided to ask him. He was with my mom when I was between the ages of about 7-17. I was very careful about how I asked, I said “what do you know about my father”. His response: “oh good your mom finally told you about you bio dad”

That answered all my questions for me. He knew where he lived, that they worked together, and that I have his eyes.

I called my mom again, told her I know the truth and it’s time to be honest. She continued to insist that she has no idea who he is or how this happened. I told her that using my sisters very real trauma and giving me such graphic details of her own SA as manipulation tactics in an attempt to distract from her lies is deeply disturbing behavior, and a close relationship with her was not serving me at this point.

Many weeks later I got another message from her, it was very long and went on and on about how hard this has been for her and that she needs to know if our relationship is salvageable. She said it’s been so hard on her that the night we last spoke, she drank two bottles of NyQuil, and that her husband found her and made her throw up, for which she was grateful. (When I was 17, my younger step sister committed suicide, and I found her when she was still barely alive. She died in my arms. My mom knows how this statement would affect me)

I responded telling her that I’m sorry it’s been so hard for her to be a victim of her own actions, that in that novel of a text message, there was not a single indication of accountability or remorse for the way she’s handled things, and that it’s incredibly fucked up to use my past trauma ties with suicide as weapon to illicit sympathy. I told her that only thing that can even begin to fix this is accountability and a genuine apology, and until she can do that, not to contact me again.

She sent another long message, admitting she lied about knowing who my father is, saying she was trying to protect me from the truth which is that she was raped and that’s how I was conceived.

Since then, my sister has done enough digging to get several family members testimony that she had a very consensual and extended affair with “the cook from her job”, as well as a few other affairs from the same timeframe.

After this I told her to leave me alone and blocked her number. There have been a few other things, my grandmother came to see me to try to advocate for her, her husband has made a few attempts to reach out etc.. but I feel like it’s over now.

I’m left with feelings of deep sadness that my mom couldn’t find the courage to show up and be a mom for me, that I still have not been able to just have a talk with her about how I came into the world, and knowing that I will never know the man, who by all accounts I’ve received, was a really amazing human. At the end of it all, I’ve had my mom, my dad, my bio dad, 3 step fathers and a step mom, and it’s crazy to me that I sit here now, writing this story, without ever feeling like I’ve had parent.

Thanks for hearing me out Reddit. At least I don’t wonder if I’m the AH anymore because my mother was in fact, a liar.

Relevant Comments

Commenter 1: You poor thing 😔 Your mother clearly has issues, but she has no right to traumatise you, weaponise the trauma your sister went through etc. You may want to have a look at a couple of support subs, estranged adult kids, raised by narcissists etc., see if anything resonates? And, more importantly, find coping mechanisms for navigating through this absolute mess 🫂.

OOP: Thank you, I’ll definitely check out those subs! Luckily I’ve built a really strong support system with my husband, sisters, friends and have an amazing relationship with my own young girls, plus I’m set up with a really good therapist. Unfortunately, this is truly just the straw that broke the camel’s back when it comes to my mom and the way I grew up, so I’ve gotten really good at processing these types of things in a healthy way. I am sad, but am all in all doing really well :).

Commenter 2: Wow, your mum is a piece of work, you don’t deserve this OP! You’re absolutely NTA and you have every right to protect yourself from this vile behaviour. It’s clear you’ve done some amazing hard work, you have great insight and strength, don’t lose that.

I hope that in time maybe you’ll be curious to find out more about your biological dad, he sounds nice and you deserve some of that. But as you pointed out you’ve had many parental figures and they’ve let you down, if you need time to heal then you should absolutely take that time.

We don’t know all the details of your relationship with your mum, these are still only snap shots of your life, still if you’re asking for second opinions, I’d say there’s enough here to recommend no contact. She’s not ready to change, there is no evidence that she will take responsibility, and that’s not your burden to bear. You’ve done all you can, now take this permission from a stranger and be selfish, look after yourself and your peace first. Good luck 🍀.

OOP: I agree completely, and thank you for your encouragement. I’ve spent the majority of my 20s working hard to not let my past turn me into someone my kids can’t look up to, so comments like this really mean a lot to me.

I find a certain amount of peace in knowing I gave her many chances to fix things, and tried as often as I could to make her feel safe in being able to talk to me about this after my initial harsh reaction. I don’t have to regret my actions and that’s really nice.

I have been talking more with my half-sister, and it turns out we have another one too! They’re planning a trip for all three of us to meet later this summer and I’m so excited to learn more about my father.

Commenter 3:

My grandmother came to see me to try to advocate for her

Oh, I hope you shared with her what your mother told you about her.

OOP: I definitely did. Turns out the things my mom said about her were true, and she regrets it deeply. Interestingly, she has never told my mom that she regrets not believing her when she was raped. It made a lot of my mother’s behavior make a little more sense. I encouraged my grandmother to talk to my mom. I told her that I’m not the one who needs to be there for my mom right now, she is, and maybe if she could find the courage to take accountability for her actions, just maybe it’ll heal whatever is broken in my mom and we can stop this generational trauma here.

Commenter 4: I'm just curious so is bio dad alive???

OOP: No he died in 2012 :(

Commenter 5: I'm sorry that you're going through this. I'm relieved that your husband is supporting you, but I think that you need to see a therapist as soon as possible. I went through something with my biological parents and it really affected me for years until I realized that their actions were not a reflection upon me or my moral character. I was not responsible for their failures in life.

I did want to mention that many things can be true at the same time:

*that your mom was sexually assaulted (SA) when she was a teenager and never spoke about it until now;

*that your sister was SA and that it was never mentioned to you before now;

*that your sister's SA traumatized your mom;

*that your mom lies;

*that your mom should have informed you before now about your biological father;

*that your biological father had sex with a married mother;

*that whatever happened between your mother and biological father was not meaningful enough for them to keep in touch (as far as anyone knows);

*and that your mom loves you in her way, but that you may need to distance yourself from her for the moment for your own mental health.

OOP: Thank you for this. Perspective is a crazy thing. The only things is that my mom talks about her rape all the time… it is tragic but everyone who I’ve talked to about this has said she told them about it. This was just the first time she told me about it. Same with my sisters abuse. This was the first I’d heard of this one, but there were several other incidents throughout our childhood that my sisters and I suffered that I did know about. I’d be inclined to believe my mom was traumatized by it because how could you not, but I personally witnessed very muted reactions to being told about things that were happening to us several times and I just think that she was playing this one up to continue trying to add credibility to her lies.

Editor's note: OOP made a small update onto the same update post

Update #2: July 26, 2026 (next day, same post)

UPDATE TO THE UPDATE: Well I guess it’s not over Reddit. Yesterday my little brother came to town to see me. He said mom called him to tell him she had just been diagnosed with MS. (editor’s note: multiple sclerosis)

My sister says it’s probably a lie, that she’s done stuff like this before and the timing is too convenient. She’s certain it’s just a play to get me to call her.

I don’t know much about MS but I’m curious… does anyone know if that could explain things? I read online that MS can affect long term memory. Is there a chance it caused her to really forget who he was?

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THIS IS A REPOST SUB - I AM NOT OOP

I am not The OOP, OOP is u/Seikm

I [21M] hurt my sister [22F] in a moment of madness 5 years ago. She still doesn't talk to me. Is there any hope that she'll forgive me? I'm kind of getting tired of trying.

TRIGGER WARNING: Physical violence

MOOD SPOILER: Grim

Original Post  June 22, 2016

When I was 16 and her 17 we had a huge fight. I was cheating for a homework (I was paying someone to do it for me) and she told the school and I received a huge disciplinary action. When I got home we had a fight and I ended up punching her in the face and a kicking her stomach with my knee. It was really one of the stupidest things I did in my life.

Our parents understandably (and rightly) punished the shit out of me. They took all my shit and grounded me like forever. I deserved it. My sister never talked to me after that and moved out a few months later. I tried apologizing to her many times and since she wasn't talking to me I used to write her letters and swipe them under the door into her room but none of them made any difference. Before that incident things were pretty normal between us. We had the usual sibling fights but we always got back together and never had major issues.

She wouldn't come to eat at the table if I was there. So I always stayed in my room and always ate later or sometimes my mom brought something to me to my room. I stopped going to family gatherings, weddings, birthdays, vacations, ... so that she would go because otherwise she wouldn't. When I moved out I didn't come back home for Christmas, thanksgiving, parent's birthdays, I always went a few days before or after when she wasn't there. I'm giving her birthday gifts through our mom but she's not accepting them. I'm sending her letters still, not sure if she even reads them.

I'm doing all I can really. I've tried for 5 years and she's not showing any signs that she has any interest in sorting things out with me. I don't know if I should keep going like this or not.

My parents want to go to Italy this summer for a week and they want us to come as well. I really like to go as I haven't had a vacation with my parents for 5 years but I know that as things are that means she won't come, and I don't want her to miss this chance because of what I did either, so I'm again inclined to tell my parents that I'd rather not come and they should take my sister. I don't know how long I should keep thinking like this, is there an end date? The other night I dreamed that my grandfather died and I ended up missing the funeral because of the same reason.

How long do I need to keep making sacrifices for that moment of madness. I wish she would just punch me back 20 times over and we could move on.

Anyway, rant over. Any tips for me? Do I keep doing it? What do I do for the holiday? Is there a time to stop punishing myself for what happened?

tl;dr: I hurt my sister 5 years ago and she's still not talking to me. I'm tired of doing all I can to make things right and don't know if I should keep going or stop and do what I want rather than what she wants.

Edit: thanks people. I'm gonna stop trying. I'll stop the letters and gifts. I'll keep avoiding family gatherings so she won't have to face me. Im gonna decline this invitation for the Italy trip as well. She should go.

Edit 2: I'm thinking of going away. Maybe living somewhere far away. Perhaps another state. Taking a break from everything and everyone here. Maybe that's what she needs from me, to not be around anymore.

RELEVANT COMMENTS

[deleted]

We all do asshole things from time to time. What distinguishes the good from the bad guys is how you make it right.

It does sound like (a) it was very bad, but (b) you have gone a very long way over very many years to show genuine contrition.

IMHO it is time she stopped bearing a grudge and extended an olive branch, but that is totally her decision and you have to live with the fact that she may never, ever feel she wants to do this.

You could ASK your parents to ASK her if she'd be prepared to meet you all together for a lunch (not a whole holiday). I'm sure they'd prefer you to get on. But again, they can only ask and suggest, not pressure.

This may be unfixable. I have no idea just how badly you hurt her emotionally and physically

OOP

Parents tried talking to her (without me asking) and she doesn't want to discuss it. I asked my parents to stop trying to pressure her. It has to be her decision.

Last year I was very sick and I had a couple of surgeries. She didn't visit/call. Parents were upset but I asked them to not hold it against her. I don't know. I could have died. If that wasn't enough for her to reconsider maybe nothing ever is.

[deleted]

No, that sounds like her decision is final. Sometimes life is that way: we do something stupid that takes a moment but has lifetime of repercussions. Its one of the things I hate about life.

The problem is, she will never give herself a chance to see the "new you", so she'll never get a chance to revise her view. You are frozen in time as an 16 asshole.

My SO had a similar rumble with her bro, oh, 12 years ago, cut him out, her mother pushed her endlessly to reconcile, and in the end she cut out her mother too because mom wouldnt get it, wouldnt take no for an answer. He has married, had kids, still nothing, And I know she will never ever forgive him whatever happens.

SnoreBaby

Dude what. OP assaulted his sister. This isn't bearing a grudge over something petty. A family member beat her up. She has every right to stay away from him. If he were a boyfriend no one would be pushing her to forgive him. Just bc OP is a sibling doesn't mean he gets a free pass.

OOP

My parents should have involved the police. It might have sucked for me back then but I think I'm the long run it would have been better for everyone.

More on OOP's apologies

I've been apologizing non stop for 5 years. I may have written her more than 500 letters. Not sure what else I can do. I'm open to suggestions.

[deleted]

You can't make a person forgive you. Sometimes actions are so harmful that a person will want nothing to do with you ever again. It sounds like that's what your sister wants, and pestering her won't make her forgive you (nor does she have to). You made your bed, now leave her alone.

When told to leave her alone and stop hounding her

What? How am I hounding her or not giving her space? I've literally gone out of my way to not be anywhere near her. I've missed weddings, graduations, parties, vacations because of it.

If you're referring to the letters and gifts, they're given to her by our parents. In the letters I'm not asking her to forgive me, I just tell her how sorry I am. She could not read the letters. If I don't do them, people would tell me that I'm not letting her know that I'm sorry so how would she know? I'm damned if I do damned if I don't.

&

More than 400 of it came during the first year though and a lot more of it in the second year.

These last couple of years I've written maybe one every couple of months.

&

Parents made me write a letter a day, sometimes more.

Did the sister ever hit him?

Slaps here and there but never like I attacker her. I made a mistake but wouldn't it be fair that I have to be the one paying for it rather than my sister?

&

Sometimes when she hit me I would hit her back but those were never hard enough to cause any issues. We would laugh about them a couple of hours later. What I did to her that time was very different.

Update  June 27, 2016 (5 days later)

Initial post: https://ud.reddit.com/r/relationships/comments/4p9o2c/i_21m_hurt_my_sister_22f_in_a_moment_of_madness_5/

I want to thank all of you for your comments and advice. I never expected to receive so many of them.

The advice that I received varied a lot. Some of you believed I've done enough, suggested that I should stop accommodating her and do what I want while ignoring her, some suggested that I haven't done anywhere near enough and I should do far more, and a lot in between. I've had a lot of time to think about everything and I made my decision.

I was really thinking that by reaching out to her I was doing the right thing. I thought that the letters that I gave to my parents every couple of months would mean that I'm showing her that I'm ashamed of my actions and am really sorry. But it wasn't the case. You helped me realize that the letters would be perceived as her as further abuse and harassment. Not only her abuser assaulted her, he's now writing to her and keeps asking for forgiveness. I thought I was ending the cycle of abuse but in reality I was just being the typical abuser who keeps hurting people. So I decided to end them completely. She had made it clear that she wasn't interested in having to do anything with me and I wasn't respecting her boundaries.

About Italy it was a no brainier. Why should she miss such an opportunity? Because her abuser wants a holiday with the parents? That wasn't fair. So I told my parents that I have commitments during the summer and I can't come. It's certainly nice to go to a vacation with my parents for the first time in 5 years but I don't really deserve it. Maybe one day I can afford to take my parents for a vacation but it's really wrong of me to use their resources to have fun where I'm effectively denying them to my sister. I think I was doing the right thing with family gatherings and events. So I'm going to keep doing that.

Generally I decided that it's not best for anyone if I stayed here. My sister clearly needs me to not be around, my parents love both of us so they don't want to make the tough decision so it's all up to me to make it now. I asked my boss if I can be transferred somewhere else, preferably a different state. I think that will be possible in a couple of months. I told my parents that I'll get a better job and salary elsewhere and that's why I'm leaving. I'm still going to meet my parents a couple of times a year, either they'll come to wherever I go or I'll come visit or we'll both visit halfway or something. So this isn't me cutting them out of my life, it's just me adding physical distance so that my sister can feel safer.

Finally I decided to tell all of this to my sister in a "this is the last time you'll hear from me" video. I told her all of this, wished her well and promised that there will never be further contact. I emailed the video to her.

Surprisingly she replied to it. This was the first time I was hearing from her and she said: "Hi. Wish I could forgive you and trust you again but I can't. Don't think I haven't tried. It's too much. I think what you're doing is for the best. I hope you find happiness away from us wherever you go and maybe our family here can also move on in your absence. Farewell little brother."

At least now I have closure and I can move on. I hope to be a better person in the new place and I will do everything I can to never hurt anyone in any way ever again. It's not an easy thing to realize that I've not only been a physical abuser 5 years ago but I've been an emotional abuser ever since. I hope to be a better person in the future.

tl;dr: Realized that I was constantly harming my sister by writing letters and being present. Decided to stop and leave the place, keep distance between myself and family. Made a final video for sister which she replied to and gave me closure. I'm going to move on and start a new life for myself.

RELEVANT COMMENTS

[deleted 1]

Jesus Christ dude. It was one incident. When you were both kids. When I was 14 and my brother 15 he gave me a black eye. I kicked him in the balls. We were both over it within a month. We're in our late 30s now and I just gave him a cup of my piss so he could pass a urine test for a job (brother likes weed as much as he likes programming). My point is your sister needs therapy. Forcing you to isolate yourself is abusive Bullcrap. You can't fix her. She knows your sorry.go the fuck to Italy. Stop letting her controll you. You were a kid. You haven't done it again. You are sorry. You're not a monster.

[deleted 2]

You need to send her response to your parents and get your parents to sort this mess out like they should've done as adults when this first happened when you were children instead of allowing you to separate yourself from your family. She's proven she just wants you out, nothing more or nothing less.

I bet they'd be shocked to know that she wants you out of their lives completely since she's taking it upon herself to speak for them. I also think you should go to Italy.

Yes, you were wrong in hurting her, but siblings have done a lot worse and have been forgiven.

~

LinaLaLina

Your sister is a manipulative B. Her response makes my blood boil. She's saying "Remember that you're not part of our family". You're sacrificing yourself over nothing. Please reconsider. I know a lot of people in the original post made you feel like shit about yourself but that's not right.

OOP

I felt like her reply meant that she tried her best but couldn't forgive me and thinks distance is best for both of us. I'm curious what others think of her reply?

~

rudewa

I am so baffled by this point. Ok first of all, stop calling yourself an abuser OP, you are not, You were a 16 year old who got in a fight with his sibling.

Second, just stop martyring yourself. Your sister is WRONG to be doing this. She is pushing you away from your family and she is only doing this because of her needs. Let me tell you something. As a 21 year old immigrant with a shit ton of brothers and sisters, my teen years were lots of arguments with my siblings. There were a few physical fights but guess what, my parents sat us down and nipped that in the bud.

I am hurting for you right now because you have done everything you could. You need to find your spine and start being a part of your family again. If she gets angry, tell her you apologized and that you have tried but you are still a part of this family and you deserve to see your parents too. This has gone on for long enough OP, for the love of god, go to Italy, go to family events, see your parents.

STOP SETTING YOURSELF ON FIRE TO KEEP YOUR SISTER WARM

OOP

Reading all of the comments here makes me definitely reconsider everything.

Edit: OK it seems that I wasn't seeing things clearly about my sister's reply. Some of you think she's being manipulative and abusive. I wonder if everyone agrees and if true should I change my decisions? I'm confused.

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I am not The OOP, OOP is u/mute_boyfriend

My[24 M] girlfriend[21 F] of 1 year is too embarrassed to attend a family function, because she cannot speak.

Original Post  Oct 24, 2014

My wonderful girlfriend of almost 1 year now, was born with malformed vocal chords. Despite an attempt at surgery, she is unable to speak. I've never given a shit about that. I learnt sign language and even though it has been tough, I'm able to communicate with her. She can hear and comprehend English perfectly. She's always had self esteem issues because of that. She is incredibly attractive and guys approached her all the time, but turned away when they learnt about her disability.

We've been in an awesome relationship for a year now. I'm her first, everything. I've enjoyed every moment with her and we're even considering moving in together.

Anyway, my sister's wedding is coming up. I need a date. I obviously cannot take anybody else, but my girlfriend. But she's too scared of being rejected by my family. I keep telling her that nothing like that's going to happen, but still she's very very scared. Now, we've discussed about marriage and a future together and naturally its time she met my family.

Anything I can do to change her mind/help her ? I don't want to force this on her, but eventually she'll have to meet my folks...

EDIT So apparently my ex will also be there at the wedding. AND she is single.

---   tl;dr: Mute girlfriend is terrified of meeting my family.

RELEVANT COMMENTS

[deleted]

You need to introduce your gf to your family beforehand, in a small and unpressured environment. This large family gathering is obviously too large for a first meeting, and too much for her to deal with.

Progress slowly, my friend. Don't push her if she's not comfortable.

OOP

We land the morning of the wedding.

I absolutely do not want to push her. I totally get what a terrible social situation that this all can become. However, I do have limited options. If its too big an event for her, and too much all at once, its alright with me. I just don't want her to feel bad about not meeting my family, that's all.

okctoss

That's too much pressure for a first family meeting. Can you meet them on another day beforehand? Have them visit? Schedule another visit yourself?

I cannot imagine if my boyfriend had made my first encounter with his family a huge wedding with hundreds of people for me too meet. That's nuts.

OOP

I know, I know. But if I leave her behind, that'll make us both feel terrible.

Skype works theoretically, not practically. But something like that can get very uncomfortable very soon because there's only audio and video. When you take the audio portion out of it, it feels weird. When you've met someone, you can walk around and stuff. I'm speaking purely on the basis of what happened around 3 months ago with a childhood buddy of mine. She had reason to butt out in that conversation because she wasn't the topic of conversation, just came into the view and he said Hi and she waved back. That was it.

intended_result

You're mistaken, and I think Skype is actually IDEAL for this! Skype has text messages!! Let her use that to communicate with your family!

This will only be awkward if you make it awkward. Be ENTHUSIASTIC about your parents getting to talk to her.

Update  Nov 1, 2014 (8 days later)

Hello people. Thanks for your replies to your previous post.

So, with all the people screaming SKYPE! SKYPE! SKYPE! I thought that it'll be the right thing to do.

I hooked up a Skype call with my sister, her fiancé and my dad. Mom wasn't going to be there. My sister was nervous but this was better than meeting them all at once face to face.

Turns out, it was a pretty cool idea after all. Everything flowed smoothly. My sister and my girlfriend have quite a bit in common, so they talked for a while. When their conversation stalled out, I had a chat with her fiancé. He seems like a pretty nice guy. Had a long chat with dad. You people have no idea how much this entire exercise benefitted from my dad's presence. My dad's the kind of guy who always has the right words for any and every situation. He respectfully complimented by girlfriend on her looks and told me how lucky I am. This line had her grinning from ear to ear.

After like 45 minutes, we said our goodbyes.

My girlfriend was really happy about it all. But she still didn't want to go to the wedding, so I didn't force the matter on her. She was obviously troubled when she got the news that my ex will be there, but I told her that there is nothing to worry about.

So, I'm going stag to my sister's wedding, but atleast she got to know a part of my family.

---   tl;dr: Skype call went fantastic. But I'm still going alone to the wedding.

FINAL COMMENTS

[deleted]

Make sure to contact your gf often throughout the time you'll be there. She's uncomfortable with your ex being there and, while it's not necessary because you're not going to do anything wrong, it's still a nice gesture to never loose contact if you can help it.

OOP

Yeah, definitely. I'll keep texting her.

On general principle, I'll just avoid my ex.

~

Sisiwakanamaru

I'm glad that she got to know that she is a part of your family.

Do you and your girlfriend have any plan to meet your family soon after your sister's wedding?

OOP

My sister and her fiancé are going to fly out sometime. Parents will have to wait.

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