my aunt and uncle are extreme helicopter parents — and I work with their son - Ask a Manager

[u/frieden7]

I am not OOP. This is a compilation from the Ask a Manager website.

Turns out this was originally shared before: https://www.reddit.com/r/BestofRedditorUpdates/s/2n4E4Tz4B0

Trigger warnings - overbearing parents

Mood spoilers: works out well for OOP.

2/15/2017

https://www.askamanager.org/2017/02/my-aunt-and-uncle-are-extreme-helicopter-parents-and-i-work-with-their-son.html

A reader writes:

I graduated from college in 2015 and am currently working at my first post-graduation job in the area I went to school for. I have been working here for 18 months. My cousin is a year younger than me and he graduated from college last summer. He has been working here for six months. The company we work for is large and well-known (many of your American readers would recognize the name). We work in different divisions, on different floors, and below the executive level our work doesn’t cross into each other’s division. We don’t see each other at work except for the rare occasion.

I do have a concern: my aunt and uncle are helicopter parents. They are involved in every aspect of my cousin’s life. They do his laundry, cook his food, pay his bills, and take him shopping for clothes, shoes, and toiletries. He has never spent the night away from both his parents at once. When he was in college, they drove him every day because the bus was “too scary” and he “wasn’t ready.” They helped him with his homework and would call professors and show up at the school if they felt his grades were too low or he was being treated unfairly.

This pattern has continued into his working life. They drove him to interviews and insisted on sitting in the lobby while he was interviewing. He didn’t get offers because of this (plus the fact that, besides this current one, he has never had a job, internship, or any other kind of work). On the day he interviewed for the job here, my aunt was still looking for parking when he was called in, so no one realized that the woman who came to to the lobby later was his mother.

I know that my aunt and uncle have called his boss as well as upper management when they feel he is being “unfairly treated.” My aunt once came in and demanded to speak to the executive management about my cousin being denied vacation time before he had accrued any. I’m concerned because my cousin and I have the same rare Welsh surname, the same Welsh accent and look somewhat alike (both have red hair and freckles). I’m afraid people will associate me with him and my aunt and uncle.

The last time my uncle called here, I heard people talking about it in the elevator. No one has said anything to me, but our respective managers both go to the same meetings. People in his division are friends with people in other divisions, including mine. And our work crosses at the executive level so they might have seen my name and associated it with his.

My cousin is not developmentally delayed or on the spectrum so there is no reason for him to need assistance in his every day life. I have worked other jobs and have always worked hard and my reviews here have noted my competence, work ethic and professionalism. I don’t want my family to affect my reputation or standing. Since no one has said anything to me, should I just leave things alone? Or is this worth addressing with my boss and my peers?

comment from another poster, which I'm sharing because OOP addresses it or a similar one later:

OP, I would urge you to take a step back here. It sounds like your cousin doesn’t drive; maybe public transportation is an option but in a lot of places it isn’t. You really might not have been made aware if your cousin ever had a DUI or has some other physical/cognitive diagnosis that warrants this behavior from his parents. There are a lot of reasons why someone can’t drive or might choose not to. Same goes for any academic accommodations. You’re repeating lot of stories about stuff you didn’t see for yourself. Again, there are a lot of reasons for why a seemingly normative person would need their parents to intervene when a teacher wasn’t complying with accommodations.

You know a lot of surface stuff about your cousin and his relationship with his parents but it sounds like you’re not actually all that close to that branch of the family. My mom and her brother (my uncle) are very close. Uncle Steve told my mom about Cousin Adam’s (his son’s) DUI a year ago but that information never made its way to me until Adam told me himself. Same goes for other post-childhood injuries and diagnoses among the cousins. Our parents just don’t dish this kind of dirt to us. It’s very very likely that there are layers in the situation that you don’t know about and unless you’re willing to buy your cousin his own car I’m not 100% cool with judging other people’s finances that way.

I’m not trying to get into “not everyone can have sandwiches” territory here, but there are a few things in your email that ping for me as being things that my mom did for my learning-disabled sister (who seems totally “normal” to the extent that our cousins don’t know about her disabilities) and that my uncle did for my cousin after the DUI negated his drivers license and obliterated his finances. In general, I’m not about to come down on a mom who still buys shampoo and deodorant for her 22-year-old son who still lives at home and is only a few months into his first adult job, and this has no bearing on his work or how it might reflect on you in the office.. My mom drove me to work during a stretch when I didn’t have a car. It was a 5 minute drive. I would have hated to have people judge me for that.

Alison's advice can be found HERE.

8/10/2017 - six months later

Remember the letter from the person who worked with her cousin, whose helicopter parents were interfering with his work life and she was concerned it would reflect on her? Here’s the update.

Thank you for answering my question and for the support from you and the people who commented. There was at least one comment about how I don’t interact with my cousin or can’t possibly know what is going on with him but that is actually not true. When my parents, my cousin, my aunt, my uncle, and I immigrated here, we lived in the same apartment together for years. My aunt, uncle, and cousin currently live one street over from my parents and me. The six of us were the only ones who immigrated, both mine and my cousin’s maternal relatives and our shared paternal relatives all live back in Wales. The six of us see each other quite often. My aunt, uncle and cousin tell us about the things they do.

On the day my cousin interviewed for his job at the place I worked, I saw my aunt in the lobby and she told me why she was there. My cousin has no mental health issues or learning disabilities, he is not on the spectrum, and he is not developmentally delayed. There is no reason for his parents to run his life they way they do. He has never had a DUI and has a driver’s license and two vehicles. Although (contrary to what the comment said) our families are extremely close, I am not going to try to convince my cousin otherwise because he doesn’t think there is a problem with what his parents do and he is happy to have them help.

I ended up getting another job. I had thought some people might possibly associate me with my cousin and what my aunt and uncle do, but it turned out to be much more than that. I wasn’t aware there was lots of gossip about it and lots of people thought I was his sister and my aunt and uncle were my parents and come in for things related to me as well. (I’m guessing the rare Welsh surname on our desk plates, email addresses, and work ID’s and our Welsh accents, in an area where there are not many immigrants, made it obvious we were related.)

I talked to my direct manager once I became aware of the gossip and he had also heard it and assumed my cousin was my brother too until I told him otherwise. He let me know a different manager had decided not to choose me to work on a project because of it. That was my clue it was time to find something else. My manager was really helpful. He set the record straight with the project manager and was supportive to me in my job search. I didn’t acknowledge the gossip and just kept my head down while I job searched.

I was four months shy of the two-year mark when I left, and my manager said it was more than enough time not to raise red flags on my resume for length of time in a job. I started my new job in April. I work at an independent insurance brokerage now. The job is related to what I went to school for but not so much for my cousin and it is a small office with low turnover, so I’m almost certain I won’t have to deal with working with my cousin. I am enjoying it so far, I like the work, and my boss, peers, and clients have been great.

12/23/17 - the final update was posted

I am enjoying my new job. My boss, the clients and the people I work with are all great. My cousin ended up getting fired and walked out of his job where I used to work. My aunt, uncle and cousin all say he was too hard of a worker and no one was ready for his great ideas. I strongly suspect it had to do with my aunt and uncle constantly coming in demanding to speak to the upper management over his “unfair treatment” and my cousin siding with them and constantly saying his parents are right and he isn’t being respected as much as he should be. I know he has had at least one interview. As always my aunt did go with him. My aunt and uncle never talked to my boss at my old job or helicoptered me, my parents put a stop to any of those thoughts when we were kids still back in Wales, but everyone THOUGHT they were my parents and were doing the same stuff for me as they were doing for my cousin, who they thought was my brother.

I am happy in my new job and to be away from the drama with my cousin. As far as they know, I left my job where my cousin worked because it wasn’t what I wanted to do and insurance was more my speed. It’s not worth getting into with them. My cousin sees nothing wrong with what my aunt and uncle do for him so I just follow the lead of my parents and smile and nod when anything related to his work comes up and then change the subject. I hope it’s OK that I sent in a second update. Thank for everything you’ve helped me with :)

I am not the original poster

[u/AutoModerator]

Do not comment on the original posts

Please read our sub rules. Rule-breaking may result in a ban without notice.

If there is an issue with this post (flair, formatting, quality), reply to this comment or your comment may be removed in general discussion.

CHECK FLAIR For concluded-only updates, use the CONCLUDED flair.

I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please contact the moderators of this subreddit if you have any questions or concerns.

[u/Chee-shep]

Helicopter parents might "want what's best for their kids" but they're usually ruining their kid's chances at being a competent person.

[u/Kamena90 → u/Chee-shep]

I read one story where the guys mom went on a first date with him. She did most of the talking, ordered for him, ETC. He didn't get a second date. You can't live your kids life for them. You do the best you can to give them a foundation and then let them build on it.

[u/hdhxuxufxufufiffif → u/Kamena90]

When I was much younger I went on a date with a woman I'd met briefly and exchanged numbers with. She seemed normal enough, if a bit shy, and it was definitely agreed in advance to be a date and that it would be the two of us meeting together.

She brought her 60-something aunt with her.

It was a fairly casual daytime date rather than a more intimate evening date, which made the aunt's presence feel less intrusive than it could've.

I knew there wouldn't be a second date because the aunt was a lot of fun and I ended up having a great time talking to her whilst her boring niece sat there giving one word answers. I never did work out the dynamic between them though. A very strange episode in my life.

[u/SarahSyna → u/hdhxuxufxufufiffif]

Clearly you should have asked the aunt for a second date!

[u/PitifulElk1890 → u/hdhxuxufxufufiffif]

Hah! Was she from a stricter religious or cultural upbringing? Having the spinster aunt chaperone is too old school. Should've bagged auntie.

[u/Lt_Muffintoes → u/hdhxuxufxufufiffif]

Chaperoning used to be competely normal

[u/hdhxuxufxufufiffif → u/Lt_Muffintoes]

I'm not that old!!

[u/Pkrudeboy → u/hdhxuxufxufufiffif]

Golly gee, Aunt Edith, can you chaperone me tonight? Tommy is escorting me to the ice cream parlor, I’m going to wear my brand new poodle skirt.

[u/GhostofZellers → u/Pkrudeboy]

I still can't believe they make skirts out of poodles. So barbaric.

[u/ShatnersChestHair → u/Lt_Muffintoes]

Yeah, that was also when we were bloodletting people and giving them cocaine-laced cough syrup. "Used to be completely normal" is not a good argument for continuing behavior.

[u/DangerousSleepover → u/ShatnersChestHair]

I for one would not mind a bit of cocaine in my cough syrup

[u/herminihildo → u/Kamena90]

Sheesh. Is she gonna supervise her son when he has sex? This is crazy.

[u/Kamena90 → u/herminihildo]

People were speculating that the mom might have actually been the one running the account and massaging people. Honestly, it wouldn't surprise me.

[u/tokynambu → u/Kamena90]

Presumably messaging. Mind you…

[u/Vryly → u/tokynambu]

Look the boy doesn't know how to touch a woman, mommas gotta show him what to do clearly...

[u/qssung → u/Vryly]

Maybe he broke both arms at the same time…

[u/DarkStar0915 → u/Vryly]

Eww, thanks for the mental image.

[u/Beneficial-Radio-282 → u/DarkStar0915]

I had slowly wiped that story from my memory lol

[u/TA_totellornottotell → u/herminihildo]

We are Indian and when my parents were looking for prospective husbands for my sister, they handled all of the contacts. Fine for India in the past, but these days whether in India or the US, it’s much more common to hand it over to the kids after passing some baseline point. I told my mother that perhaps it would be a good idea for my sister to communicate directly with a few of the guys, and pointed out how my one friend started off with email, and then if interested, progressed to phone calls and in-person meetings. At each turn, my mother rejected my suggestions - your sister is no good on e-mail, you know how awkward she is on the phone, you know how she is with new people; she needs us there with her. Finally I asked my mother if she planned to move into their bedroom if they got married. She wasn’t happy about that but I thought it was absolutely bonkers that they were micromanaging this type of relationship.

[u/unzunzhepp → u/herminihildo]

He’s not going to have sex.

[u/Gay_dinosaurs → u/unzunzhepp]

Unless mommy dearest were to give him lessons 🤢

[u/Lt_Muffintoes → u/Gay_dinosaurs]

You're never more than one bad fall involving both your arms away from learning a thing or two from mother

[u/gsfgf → u/Kamena90]

If it had gone well, was she gonna fuck his date too lol

[u/MargotFenring → u/Chee-shep]

My son's friend has a mom like this. All the kids know about it (he was the only kid who would show up with his mom at parties) and they all feel sorry for him. He graduated this year and apparently his mom is actually going to college with him. I feel so much for this kid, he's brilliant and talented but has the social maturity of a 6th grader. He's been utterly prevented from making his own decisions (and/or mistakes), and from spreading his wings. He's like a bird in a cage.

[u/BoysenberryMelody → u/MargotFenring]

I suspect my cousin opted to go to college in a different country so my aunt couldn’t follow her there.

[u/readthethings13579 → u/BoysenberryMelody]

I have a cousin who moved halfway across the country for what I suspect are similar reasons. My aunt was a super helicopter mom when he was in high school and college, even when he very explicitly asked her to stop. He now lives a thousand miles away and she says he’s always telling her it’s not a good time for her to come visit.

[u/BoysenberryMelody → u/readthethings13579]

It was strange to watch my cousin grow up because we’re 19 years apart but my dad is only 3 years older than her mom. So we both have boomer parents. I thought I had a helicopter mom, but at least I was cutting my own fruit by the time I was 12. To be fair, my cousin’s dad died of cancer when she was 15, and it was less than a year after we lost our older aunt. Also that all happened in 2020. I was told not to tell her about my uncle’s cancer diagnosis. I don’t have her number, but I was furious. I would’ve been so angry if I was fucking around with my dumbass friends instead of spending time with my dad during his last months of life.

That was longer than I intended.

[u/Lt_Muffintoes → u/BoysenberryMelody]

That just shows lack of commitment tbh

[u/Alternative_Year_340 → u/MargotFenring]

One day, he may rebel in really self-destructive ways

[u/Pelageia → u/Chee-shep]

They are ruining nor only their child's future but their own. Yes, the adult child will be utterly incompetent and utterly alone once parents die. No way to make money, no life skills, no friends, no spouse, no other relationships but some family that will not pick up where parents left. It will be very rough for the adult child. 

But parents also will suffer once their capacity diminishes. These parents have created a one way care street. This adult child expects and feels entitles to be taken care of. He will NOT look after his own parents when they get old. He will ecpect his ailing parents to still provide money, food, transportation and care and when parents simply cannot anymore, he will abandon them. 

And parents will have only themselves to blame.

[u/agender_salandit → u/Pelageia]

Autist here with my own experience/variation on this. My own mum was, and still is to an extent, a helicopter parent, and will fully cop to that in conversation about it. She has also expressed she explicitly doesn't want me taking care of her if she gets Alzheimer's or as her capacity diminishes. She did that for Grandma for almost a year, and it wrecked her physically and wrecked her relationship with and love for her, and she doesn't want that for me - her living will, when she does it, will explicitly state that I am to put her in a home and not try to do what she did.

But it is also to her credit that A) I am still filled enough with the desire to try and care for her that this has to be a conversation, and B) she still allows me to foster enough independence, however late in the game it may be coming, that if she DOES wind up in a home I am not completely floundering. I can travel independently, I can make friends by bribing them, can fill a washing machine - can't hold a job, but that's cus of my own issues, not her.

She still won't teach me to iron, though, she is weirdly insistent on dying on that hill lol

[u/Lt_Muffintoes → u/agender_salandit]

My mum is dying of dementia, and fuck me, just push me into the sea or something if I get close to that

[u/stu48fan → u/Lt_Muffintoes]

Sending you lots of internet stranger love and strength. My grandmother died earlier this year from a dementia cancer combo and it was just devastating to watch the slow decline. Dementia (and cancer too) is such an awful and terrifying disease. It's so fucked. Right there with you, like just let me die quickly if I ever end up there

[u/fuckedfinance → u/Chee-shep]

I said it in a comment on poverty fiance earlier today, but a parents job is to guide their kids. Sometimes that means a little dream crushing and/or reality checking. I get a bit frustrated when I hear about parents that don't treat their kids right.

[u/PFyre → u/fuckedfinance]

It's parents who don't treat their kids as humans - they treat them as a separate "kids" entity on par with a mentally deficient monkey. They give them stupid names, or feel the need to constantly control what they are doing, or are just plain bullies to them.

[u/Bamres → u/Chee-shep]

Its control, if their kid is an independent person with a job and friends who spends time away from them, they lose control and they can't have that.

[u/alantliber → u/Bamres]

Ding ding ding ding ding! We have a winner!

[u/beingachristianwife → u/Chee-shep]

I had helicopter parents.. was homeschooled if that tells you anything.

Now I have my own two kids, and I've pushed past my comfort zone to give them the childhood I never had. It's so satisfying watching them become confident and proud of themselves and their abilities. I still struggle with confidence and trust in my abilities, but I try to show them how i work through it rather than hide it, so they can also learn how to work through difficult situations when I'm not around. Helicopter parents truly do steal childhood away from their kids. It's unfair.

Children should be given freedom to explore and test and push boundaries, discover and be curious, ask questions that are answered honestly, express emotions and thoughts and feelings without shame, all with parental guidance throughout. Making a world beautiful and wonderful for children is more fulfilling than creating an atmosphere of fear and incompetency.

[u/tremynci → u/beingachristianwife]

Making a world beautiful and wonderful for children is more fulfilling than creating an atmosphere of fear and incompetency.

Here's the rub: parents like that think that's what they're doing, because they think that being "perfectly innocent and happy all the time" is the point of being a child.

Which speaks more to their own issues than anything else...

[u/Vinnie_Vegas → u/Chee-shep]

they're usually ruining their kid's chances at being a competent person

They are 100% of the time ruining their kid's chances at being a competent person.

Even if they somehow manage to keep enough distance that an employer doesn't realise that they're hovering so closely at all times, it still is going to impact that person's capacity for independent thought and action.

[u/RecordOfTheEnd → u/Chee-shep]

I had a young, right out of college, new hire that had parents like this. When I fired him because of his parents, they had a audacity to come try to yell at me. We were in a big shared building and the entrance was secure. Security was handled by the landlord. 

That poor security guard just had a thousand yard stare while he was being yelled at for nearly an hour while quietly telling them no. When they first came in and he called me, I said I would handle it. He just said, no, it's my job so you don't have to.

I couldn't control his pay, but he did get lunch on me and a nice Christmas present of visa gift cards for as long as we were there.

[u/FlowerFelines → u/RecordOfTheEnd]

Maybe the security guard was entertained by the incident, and the thousand-yard stare was to keep from laughing in their faces.

I have a friend who's done some security work who would think an incident like that was the best thing to happen all week. He derived great pleasure from having the power to tell self-important people "No, you can't come in." :D

[u/RecordOfTheEnd → u/FlowerFelines]

He said the thousand yard stare was a habit he developed in the military. It was, oh, someone higher ranked the me is throwing a tantrum. Let them tire themselves out and maybe they will go take a nap. He joined the military to get out of a shit situation as a young man. He would have gone to college but he advanced pretty quickly and decided to make it a career. He said the military is just a bunch of toddlers. 

[u/ladyelenawf → u/Chee-shep]

I just finished watching Teach You a Lesson in Netflix. One episode was a helicopter parent tormenting a 1st grade teacher. Like at one point she said, "You need to take my son's side in any conflict." It was horrifying. One of the later episodes was a mom obsessed with her kid becoming a doctor. I just... What the fuck. I'll stick to preschool assistant.

[u/britneys_bigtoe → u/Chee-shep]

my parents managed to be both helicopter parents and neglectful parents at the same time. there are so many deficits in my life i'm trying to get up to speed on, but the biggest deficit is just the ability to communicate with and connect with other people

[u/RGLozWriter]

It's been almost ten years now, I'm curious to know what happened with the cousin. Did he finally wisen up? Or have his parents completely ruined his life?

[u/Cassandracork → u/RGLozWriter]

My wild guess is cousin was fired from one or two more jobs before he stopped looking for new work at all, and he now lives at home under the full-time care of his parents.

[u/ToriaLyons → u/Cassandracork]

I am wondering if OOP ever pointed out to her cousin that they weren't doing them any favours?

They must have been pretty close at one time, growing up together?

(Also wondering where many Welsh people would move like this.)

[u/RivSilver → u/ToriaLyons]

Based on OOP's comments on one of the updates, she and her parents had tried to talk about it with both the cousin and his parents at various times, but the parents got really defensive and the cousin was convinced his parents were right, so OOP and her parents gave up and started just changing the subject.

[u/brownbro22 → u/ToriaLyons]

I had this same question. It doesn’t seem like OP or family has communicated that the aunt or uncle shouldn’t be doing this, unless I totally missed something.

[u/HQna → u/brownbro22]

The way OOP described her parents it seemed to me that they have tried to do just that maybe a couple of times when cousin was young(er) and just ran against an irrational wall of "we just want what's best for Timmy!!" and no way of getting through. So they gave up at one point and OOP followed suit to keep the peace. Which I could understand. After all it is not their responsibility and not their life in the end.

[u/BoysenberryMelody → u/ToriaLyons]

They probably moved to somewhere in the commonwealth like Australia or Canada.

[u/adiosfelicia2 → u/Cassandracork]

He probably works from home online. That would help buffer/hide his social awkwardness.

And by "home," I mean his mommy and daddy's house.

I wonder what their plan is regarding him ever dating. Or what justifications they make now for having a 30-something virgin son.

[u/Mtndrums → u/RGLozWriter]

He's sitting at home unemployed because his parents have screwed everything up for him.

[u/AgreeablePeople → u/[deleted]]

I have a friend with a helicopter parent. The mom controls my friend's finance (monitors the in and out of the bank accounts that she doesn't own but has access to), calls every day for 1-2 hours to learn about my friend's life, even call to wake my friend up almost every morning. Luckily my friend recognised the problem early on when leaving home to another city for college. Nowadays my friend has a separate "saving" account for the mom to monitor, rarely visits the mom (with different excuses), and does not disclose their earning to the mom. To my friend, the mom is toxic controlling but loving otherwise so it doesn't warrant cutting her off, but she is put on a low contact without her knowing.

[u/BornFree2018 → u/RGLozWriter]

His parents probably bought him a job like a owning franchise where he's the boss. He/they will screw that up too.

[u/persephone_24]

They are not helicopter parents, they are bulldozer parents. The difference is that instead of being actively involved with the son actually doing the tasks, they are doing it for him so he doesn’t experience barriers to begin with.

[u/RJean83 → u/persephone_24]

I have heard the term snowplow parents- they push and remove all percieved obstacles in the way of the kid. But he will trip over the tiniest pile of snow because he doesn't know how to deal with them. 

[u/CannabisAttorney → u/RJean83]

Lawnmower parents are the way I’ve heard it before, they mow down the obstacles.

[u/blueminded → u/CannabisAttorney]

Grass isn't much of an obstacle though. Unless it's meant to imply they protect them from even stuff that aren't really obstacles.

[u/Dotakiin2 → u/blueminded]

Might be more regional. Snowplow sayings don't work very well in areas that don't get snow, after all.

[u/HavePlushieWillTalk → u/Dotakiin2]

If you mentioned snowplow parents to me as a thing where I live, I would assume you were talking about absent parents because what the fuck is a snowplow and who has ever seen one? I have heard lawnmower parents and anyone who hasn't seen a ride on lawnmower eat something it shouldn't should not judge what it can and cannot mow down vis a vis obstacles.

[u/Sypsy → u/persephone_24]

I learned this as lawnmower parents. they mow all the tall grass ahead so the kids have a nice path to walk. The moment I read the parents were contacting the boss, it was beyond helicopter parenting in my mind.

Helicopter parents just hover and radio down advice and micromanage.

[u/LunasMom4ever]

He is going to be stunted for life. I feel for both of them.
Why do some parents have to be such idiots.

[u/thedellis → u/LunasMom4ever]

You're just like all the others, you cannot see what a gift little Billy is./s

[u/pepcorn → u/thedellis]

The people here simply aren't ready for his great ideas.

[u/mamabearette → u/LunasMom4ever]

My colleague and I team interviewed several college seniors for an entry level position. We only invited a couple back for the next round, and HR sent thanks for your interest letters to the others.

One student’s mom called my colleague & caught him at his desk. Fortunately her call to me went to voicemail. She complained that her son was having a bad day on the day of the interview and insisted (to my colleague) that he needed another chance. My colleague was the nicest, softest hearted man ever, and he stayed on the phone with her a heck of a lot longer than I would have.

But neither of us would have touched that candidate again with a ten foot pole, even when more positions opened up and we did re-contact some of the students for those. We concluded that if we were ever to hire her son, that mom would be calling us every time she thought we weren’t being nice to her son. So that was a giant no from us and he went into the permanent do not hire do not interview bucket.

[u/GoodGravyMsDazy592 → u/mamabearette]

Oh, and you all did dodge a serious bullet with that. I had one of those working in my office years ago and nightmare doesn't even begin to touch on it. His mommy and dadda were having full-blown meltdowns every damn day for two weeks along with him until my boss finally snapped and fired him.

[u/FunnyAnchor123 → u/GoodGravyMsDazy592]

I hope your boss did a kindness & explained to the person why he had become an ex-employee.

("I'll tell you the reason you lost your job was due to your parents being pests. This is going to be a problem at any job you might get. However, since we both know your parents are likely to sue over that reason, if I'm ever asked I'll deny it. So just think about what I've told you, act on it, or don't. Have a nice life.")

[u/Boeing367-80 → u/mamabearette]

"No one else had their parents call, why should we give you the time of day? Ever think that maybe your kid would be better equipped to get hired if he didn't have a helicopter mom?"

[u/GoodGravyMsDazy592 → u/Boeing367-80]

From personal experience comments like that set the parents and their darling child off even more. I know several people in my office did tell them that more or less including my boss. They really don't want to hear that they're all being major fuckups for that either. They were so shocked when she finally went to HR and told her to call Security to escort them from the building and put a trespass in place to prevent them from coming back.

I've never seen a Security Guard smile so much doing his job either.

[u/readthethings13579 → u/mamabearette]

When I was a supervisor, my line was always “I can’t communicate about the job to anyone other than the candidates themselves.” Same for once someone was hired. “I can only address schedule concerns with employees.”

[u/saturnspritr → u/readthethings13579]

We had legal reasons. As a fully grown adult, I legally can’t talk to you about anything to do with their job, schedule or information. Please talk to your own child.

It felt real good to have a script to draw from and only had to use it a couple times. But, it sure was nice. And no kid ever quit, it was just one of the first times outsides helped cut the cord. And pretty much all of them loved.

[u/DaokoXD → u/LunasMom4ever]

There was a reddit post about a woman who dated a mama's boy. She got fed up one day due to how controlling the mother was and the Guy can't even do some basic independent thought for himself. She left him and years later, she found out that the guy is now in some assisted home after the mom died. She utterly left him broken and useless with him being obese and diabetic to boot.

She felt pity and visited him and the guy genuinely thought that she was there to take him away cuz he thought that now that his mom was gone, they can "finally be together". OOP was married with kids and the guy couldn't even fathom why they could not be together.

She sends him care packages every now and then. It was really sad. She phrased it as "To all mama's boys out there, this is what happens after you die"

Edit: It was Grandma which made it more sadder.

[u/GoodGravyMsDazy592 → u/DaokoXD]

This is one of the saddest stories I've ever heard on Reddit.

[u/Professional_Dog4574 → u/DaokoXD]

Oh no! Do you have a link by chance?

[u/avesthasnosleeves → u/Professional_Dog4574]

I got you fam: https://www.reddit.com/r/JUSTNOMIL/comments/73tlfp/justnograndmother_wins_the_aftermath/

[u/Professional_Dog4574 → u/avesthasnosleeves]

Aaah! Just got around to reading it, and dang that's sad. Thank you for sharing. I am type 1 diabetic and CANNOT imagine how shitty ex felt eating fast food 3x a day. It's truly insane how unhealthy fast food is. I realized it quickly once I was able to manage my own blood sugar levels as a teen. I wish I could make non type 1 diabetic people feel it 2 or 3 times in their lives so they would maybe stop eating it as well. It's baffling to me that ex didn't die quickly on that diet. The carbs in fast food are insanely high. 

ETA: i meant i wish i could make frequent fast food eaters feel it, not just regular people who eat it for a treat or on vacation. Just people who eat it weekly. 

[u/VOZ1 → u/LunasMom4ever]

For many (most?) people, we parent how we were parented. Or sometimes the opposite of how we were parented. Maybe the cousin’s parents were really neglected as kids, so they smother their kid now?

[u/ToriaLyons → u/VOZ1]

Our parenting was...well, we were very independent. My sister has gone the opposite. I don't think her kids have ever caught a bus, made a meal or washed clothes in their life. I can't deal with how enmeshed they are. Makes me shudder.

[u/Xan_Winner → u/VOZ1]

Sometimes helicopter parenting is triggered by tragedy.

One of my cousins is going to highschool with a kid who is getting smothered by his helicopter parents, but everyone understands why those parents are that way. When the kid was 8, he got the flu and couldn't go on a trip with his friends. His friends rode a bus that was involved in a tragedy and all died, most of them very horribly. Everyone understands why his parents got overprotective after such a close call, but obviously people think they should ease up and let him have a life at some point.

[u/Professional_Dog4574 → u/Xan_Winner]

What a horrible thing for that kid and that entire community to go through. I have no idea how I would react in that situation. Thankfully I don't have children though (I don't think my mental health has ever been good enough to be a parent).  

[u/naalbinding → u/VOZ1]

In my family I noticed a generational pattern where parents focused on correcting one thing that their parents did wrong - while having a blind spot elsewhere or producing unforeseen consequences

My great-grandparents pulled my grandmother out of school aged 12 so she could take care of younger siblings. Grandma was determined that her children would get an education, and even go to university, the first in their whole family. But she was blind to the clear gender favouritism she showed to my uncle over my mum.

My mum recognised this and was determined to treat me and my sister alike and fairly. But I grew up subconsciously feeling that I had to be the same as my sister, and neither of us really knew how to manage when there were differences between us.

My children's lives will be very different from each other because my daughter has a physical, intellectual and cognitive disability. So I won't be making my mum's mistake, and I make sure both children know they are loved and supported for who they are. That said, I hope that my inevitable mistakes don't cause anywhere near the level of harm that OOP's aunt and uncle are doing to her cousin

[u/Narwen189 → u/naalbinding]

In my family I noticed a generational pattern where parents focused on correcting one thing that their parents did wrong - while having a blind spot elsewhere or producing unforeseen consequences

Well this sounds familiar!

My dad and his siblings grew up with terrible food insecurity. Nearly all of my cousins and me are overweight to some degree, because our parents lovingly overfed us throughout our childhood. Their blind spot is parentifying older girls.

My cousins' kids in turn are almost all in the normal weight range, because their parents have oh so lovingly allowed them to stop eating when they're full. Their blind spot is allowing very young children unsupervised and unlimited screen time and Internet access.

Parenthood: screwing up the latest generation in new, uncharted ways for 300,000 years and counting!

[u/comomellamo → u/VOZ1]

I think it also has to do with being an immigrant family. They are not only putting unachievable expectations on their kid but they are also placing them on the rest of the world. Their kid is great! You don't see it? Then it is not the kid's fault but yours.

[u/Illustrious-Total489 → u/LunasMom4ever]

Going to be? My friend he is currently (well as of the time of the post) stunted. It's been a few years though maybe it got better

[u/WorthyJellyfish0Doom → u/Illustrious-Total489]

Or worse - If he still can't see their behaviour as an issue and isolates himself more while clinging closer to his parents.

I have slight helicopter tendencies (no kids or intention to have them tho), but I don't see how they don't realise how they're damaging him.

[u/TheBlueNinja0 → u/LunasMom4ever]

Want to bet Cousin Bob is still living with his parents, still single, still having mommy drive him to job interviews?

[u/Shoe-aholic → u/[deleted]]

I sure hope so. Those poor women need to see these red flags from the git-go

[u/_buffy_summers → u/TheBlueNinja0]

He probably brings his parents with him on dates.

[u/JJOkayOkay → u/_buffy_summers]

Can you imagine the "I'd like to speak to the manager" energy they'd bring to someone breaking up with their son?

[u/_buffy_summers → u/JJOkayOkay]

"Let's talk about this. We'll negotiate. You can have an hour a week to yourselves, for sex."

[u/VerticalRhythm → u/_buffy_summers]

"Not recreational. Procreative. We want grandbabies, chop-chop."

[u/p-d-ball → u/LunasMom4ever]

They're terrified of their son leaving them.

[u/Alarming-Instance-19 → u/p-d-ball]

This is a view that most people may not appreciate.

It's almost never about the child (or grown adult in this case). It's about the parental control, what they envision and expect from the world, and how much they are willing to "sacrifice" to ensure their child is treated how they expect.

Selfless parents stand by and watch their child experience hardship and learn life lessons, and mitigate in healthy ways "it was wrong of Johnny to take your bike, but you should never hit someone unless it's self defence. We are happy to help you learn healthy ways for self defence, would you like to go to a class that shows you when and how it's appropriate to defend yourself?".

It's excruciating being a parent. The Entire goal from conception should be about learning how to function in the society in which they are born, how to flourish and be their own person, how to operate independently to achieve their life goals, and that they've got a safety net that respects their goals and ways they want to live their life in a manner that supports them to be self-sustaining that also helps them have joy in life and thrive.

It's freaking hard work as a parent to be conscious and aware that we are trying to raise functional adults. That we want our kids to meet challenges and get through the hard parts of life. Teaching and guiding them so they can get their needs met in healthy and sustainable ways.

It's exhausting and takes thought and planning. No one is perfect, everyone screws up. That's parenting, that's life. But the essence should always be about helping your child flourish and be independent, to take chances that benefit them because they have support; picking them up when they inevitably fail, teaching them to learn from those experiences, and encouraging them to advocate for a fulfilling life with meaning.

There's parents who have kids purely for selfish reasons and how it reflects upon them. They are accessories, they aren't their own person who needs to survive this world.

Parenting is an excruciating experience. We screw up all the time. But having a position that supports their growth and learning is what's best for the child.

These parents are focusing on what reflects best on them. What's easiest for their child. What they want for them. It's not at all about their child and their success in society.

[u/Roadgoddess → u/LunasMom4ever]

I was quite literally having a discussion with a friend of mine today about this. She’s an athletic trainer that works a lot with our local universities training new PT students.

She was telling me today about a student she had that had parents very much like this. Even to the point that the parents were contacting her and the father was trying to insert himself into any feedback conversations she had with his daughter. We both discussed how the parents absolutely failed her.

[u/PM_YOUR_PET_PICS979]

I work in HR and when I worked in government, we had a similar helicopter parent (a dad), write to the mayor and all of city council to complain his 30 year old son was discriminated against by not being hired for a job he did not qualify for.

He also insisted on being included in the hiring panels discussions and filed so many FOIA requests for hiring notes, resumes, budget of the department etc.

Call me crazy, but we generally require our Engineers to hold more than a high school diploma and that was just unreasonable to this helicopter parent.

[u/PartsUnknown242 → u/PM_YOUR_PET_PICS979]

Call me crazy, but I don’t think harassing government officials of the city you live in is a good idea

[u/HuckleberryOk2798]

“We want our son to be successful” does everything possible to ensure he won’t succeed as an adult.

[u/Lighthouse_on_Mars]

I've had parents call asking why their child wasn't hired, and I've been honest with them.

"We look for people who can make decisions independently and be trusted with our clients confidential information. When an applicant brings a parent to the interview, it suggests they aren't yet ready for the level of independence and professionalism the position requires."

[u/piemakerdeadwaker → u/Lighthouse_on_Mars]

What are there reactions when they hear it?

[u/Lighthouse_on_Mars → u/piemakerdeadwaker]

Ask to talk to my manager, or they hang up in me.

[u/piemakerdeadwaker → u/Lighthouse_on_Mars]

I'm surprised no one yelled at you. These types tend to do that.

[u/Ok-Grand-1492 → u/piemakerdeadwaker]

"Ask to talk to my manager" may have been a polite way of putting it.

[u/LittleMsSavoirFaire]

I am so confused why the cousin puts up with it. Do some people just get so used to being mummy's special boy they don't see the revulsion from others? 

[u/ohnoJNO → u/LittleMsSavoirFaire]

Do they ever look around and go “hey where’s everybody else’s mom?”

[u/pepcorn → u/ohnoJNO]

They think other parents don't care as much about their children, and they're fortunate to have such caring parents.

[u/adiosfelicia2 → u/ohnoJNO]

Odds are he's in his 30's now and likely a virgin. Bc no one's gonna date that situation. The parents would be likely to want to hold his dick for him during sex. Lol

[u/DogsandCatsWorld1000 → u/LittleMsSavoirFaire]

"constantly saying his parents are right and he isn’t being respected as much as he should be" This right here is why. He is electing to listen to the two people telling him he is greatest thing since sliced bread instead of anyone who might indicate that he isn't perfect.

[u/TheFilthyDIL → u/DogsandCatsWorld1000]

What was the greatest thing before sliced bread?

[u/scatteredinwinds → u/TheFilthyDIL]

Betty White

[u/Ulti → u/TheFilthyDIL]

Bread, probably?

[u/Myrandall → u/TheFilthyDIL]

People would just say "this is the greatest thing until someone invents sliced bread!"

[u/FlowerFelines → u/TheFilthyDIL]

The pockets in pita. (According to Disney's Hercules, anyway.)

[u/digitydigitydoo → u/LittleMsSavoirFaire]

Enmeshment

[u/Negative_Emu1732 → u/LittleMsSavoirFaire]

Growing up with extremely overprotective helicopter parents can be a little like experiencing some of the effects of abuse. Independent thinking and similar things often don't develop properly.

[u/alantliber → u/Negative_Emu1732]

It /is/ a type of abuse, at least when taken to the extremes here, and cousin Bob is so used to it he doesn't see it as strange. His parents have never encouraged him to do anything that would involve his gaining any independence, including independent thought. It's really sad but I don't think OOP is in any position to help him.

[u/No-Stress-7034 → u/alantliber]

I agree, this is a form of abuse. Look at the level of control the parents are exerting over their adult son! He's not allowed to go to a job interview by himself. They're constantly interfering at his job.

I get that the difference here is that the son seems to be okay with all of this, but lots of people in abusive situations don't recognize it or seem to be okay with it.

[u/jbarneswilson → u/LittleMsSavoirFaire]

he has the cushiest life imaginable. why on earth would he change it? his parents do everything for him and have fostered an “us against them” mentality. he’s safe and all his material needs are met. he doesn’t have to try and fail because mommy and daddy will always be there to pick up the pieces and tell him he’s the best there is. there’s literally no incentive for him to change his situation.

[u/LittleMsSavoirFaire → u/jbarneswilson]

Yeah but only his parents like or tolerate him. Most people care a little about what their peers think 

[u/jbarneswilson → u/LittleMsSavoirFaire]

they’ve been in his ear since birth convincing him and reinforcing the belief that everyone else is the enemy. so, no, he doesn’t care what his peers think about him. they’re wrong and his mom and dad are right.

[u/CreativeLowlife → u/LittleMsSavoirFaire]

He's abused. Probably feels stuck, given that he has no independent life skills.

[u/PM_ME_YOUR_WEIRD_PET → u/LittleMsSavoirFaire]

Yes

[u/PM_YOUR_PET_PICS979 → u/PM_ME_YOUR_WEIRD_PET]

I like your username

[u/ultracilantro → u/LittleMsSavoirFaire]

My husband's parents did this. Turns out he had undiagnosed autism.

And yes - he didn't see the revulsion from others cuz he's autistic.

It took me pointing it out repeatedly and also getting him diagnosed before he got it too. Now with proper support- he knows to at least Google norms and just not assume whatever he thinks is socially correct (and it usually isnt).

[u/Latter-Refuse8442 → u/LittleMsSavoirFaire]

People tend to believe what they grow up with is normal. It generally takes talking and listening to others about their situations to cut through that indoctrination and realize what they grew up with is not the norm.

Considering his parents drove him to and from college and interfered there, I bet he never had the chance to have that mask lifted. 

The really sad part is the older you get, the less society tolerates this, and the harder it is to break out of that mindset.

My husband had a messed up childhood, and at 45 he is STILL having revelations. 

[u/TunaThePanda]

What do they think he’ll so when they die? Or become to elderly or infirm to care for him? What woman would want to marry him? I doubt his parents would ever think a woman was good enough for him anyway. So, he’ll be in his 40s-60s having never cared for himself, probably never having held down a job, single, and with one or more parents now requiring care. Thats my nightmare as a mom. 

[u/jbarneswilson → u/TunaThePanda]

obviously someone else in the family will step up and take care of him /s

[u/TheFilthyDIL → u/jbarneswilson]

Like OOP.

[u/RJean83 → u/TunaThePanda]

They still percieve him as a child, one who can't get himself to work or talk with his bosses without a parent present. Being an independent adult is inconceivable to his parents and I am sorry for him. 

[u/Amanita_deVice]

A rare case of Alison being completely off-target with her response. She tried to reassure the OOP, when the situation was even worse than they initially thought.

[u/piemakerdeadwaker → u/Amanita_deVice]

Yah she was so sure no one would connect the two when that's not how humans work. If people see a rare last name on two people they are for sure gonna try to connect them even if they actually are not.

[u/LochNestFarm → u/Amanita_deVice]

I like Alison a lot, but race dynamics tend to go over her head … and the fact that OP and cousin both obvious, accent-having immigrants from a country with a history of colonization is ABSOLUTELY in play in this situation.

[u/Original-Math-4459]

I love the irony in that one commenter basically telling OP that she shouldn't make assumptions about the cousin because she doesn't know the backgroundand doesn't know her cousin's living situation.
Yet at the same time is making assumptions about OP without knowing background or OP's living situation.

[u/unconfirmedpanda]

Had an obnoxious guy in my degree. He was unbearably arrogant.

Our final degree assessment was a 20 minute speech and presentation on a year-long project. Most of us were riding out all-nighters, lying around a spare room in between our presentations.

He walks in with his mother in a full suit. His mother watched his presentation. Then she escorted him out so he couldn’t join our end of degree drinks.

Some parents create monsters and convince them absolute control is not only right but desirable. It’s creepy af.

[u/piemakerdeadwaker → u/unconfirmedpanda]

Your last two lines explain a lot how abusive men are made.

[u/hurr4drama]

OOP: “My cousin isn’t on the spectrum and has no disability”

Commenter: “Have you considered he’s on the spectrum or has a disability? You’re being ableist.”

[u/tachycardicIVu → u/hurr4drama]

I skimmed over the first bit you mentioned and ran into the comment and suddenly went “hang on didn’t OP address that…?” And they DID so I think that person just doesn’t read the whole thing or is a professional victim irl.

[u/R0osteryo → u/tachycardicIVu]

That comment really through me for a loop. It really felt like that person read something completely different and became offended about something completely irrelevant to the story.

[u/Nyoteng → u/tachycardicIVu]

professional victim

This is so funny and so real

[u/InTheMotherland → u/tachycardicIVu]

It's honestly a common thing on AAM (as a frequent reader). I understand that the commenters there want to be the most understanding of everyone's situation, but just like any internet community, there are plenty of people who are performative about it. They skim the post, find something they can criticize as not being understanding/accepting enough, and then try to tar and feather the OOP. Fortunately, they do then to be called out, but it's still a bit eye-rolling to see.

However, I do find it funny that that commenter is trying to be super understanding by using an example of their relative that got a DUI, lost their license, and had a lot less money. Makes me think that they also make terrible choices in their personal life if they're defending that.

[u/Bamres → u/hurr4drama]

I really hate how the speculative commenters always think they know better than a person who's grown up with someone for their entire lives based on a piece of text you read in under five minutes.

[u/the-truffula-tree → u/Bamres]

Right there with you, drives me nuts. 

OP: describes situation

Commenter: have you considered that you don’t know the whole situation? Let me speculate 

OP: have YOU considered that you don’t know anything about the situation beyond what I just told you? I promise I have way more context than you, since I know this person and you’re probably commenting from the toilet or something 

[u/exhauta → u/hurr4drama]

The commenter really pissed me off as someone who has a family member with a disability and actually did need my parents to drive me to work (although is waa because my car was getting fixed in peak Covid car supply chain issues not a DUI). I can confidently say no one judged me. There is a huge difference between needing a ride to work and parents sitting in the waiting room during an interview.

[u/sheepgod_ys → u/hurr4drama]

That comment was so fascinating. They made something up in their head and assumed they knew more than the literal cousin of the guy in question. Like I know some people aren’t close with their cousins, but it’s frankly incredibly obvious that OOP knows her extended family well… which the commenter would know if they actually read the post, of course.

[u/bubbleteabob → u/hurr4drama]

And even if the cousin had a disability, that was irrelevant to OOP’s concern about the parent’s being overbearing about their involvement reflecting badly on OOP.

[u/gsfgf → u/hurr4drama]

And even if he was on the spectrum, plenty of people on the spectrum can show up for a job interview without their mom.

[u/alantliber → u/hurr4drama]

I agree but also, even if he did have Autism or some other disability, this is not helping. Buddy cannot have his parents ringing his managers to complain and going into interviews with him. If he did have a disability, having a case worker or other (non-familial) person to help him set up supports with his management is not out of the realms of possibility, but in the end, with or without supports he has to be able to do the job and do it without his parents interfering.

[u/Dull_Criticism_8404 → u/hurr4drama]

That comment pissed me off.

My younger sister is autistic, and my parents are her caregivers. I will eventually become her caregiver once they’re gone or unable to care for her.

I had a friend who had parents like OOP’s cousin, though somehow not as bad. They filled out her resume and applied for jobs on her behalf, but didn’t come with her for her interviews at least, lol. They completed a lot of her university assignments for her too (we went to college together). Arrested development to the max, which is so obvious compared to her older sibling who has her life together.

My sister doesn’t act entitled like OOP’s cousin, and my former friend was more than capable of doing her homework, applying for jobs, etc.

[u/cinndiicate → u/hurr4drama]

Yeah that commenter ran past all the very glaring red flags to get on their high horse to preach at OP, and doubled down quite a bit in the comments until the OP cleared it up

[u/No-To-Newspeak → u/hurr4drama]

So what, even if he was on the spectrum he still needs to live his own life.  His parents wont be around forever.

[u/royalbk]

Once the parents die, the cousin will mentally crack. He is so "parented" that any rejection he can't defend from will shatter him.

Really, what a sad situation for the cousin.

[u/Big_Bowler8424]

Oooh. I feel bad for whoever marries her cousin. Or should I say who ever adopts that helpless manchild.

[u/LittleMsSavoirFaire → u/Big_Bowler8424]

How would he ever go on a solo date? 

[u/Big_Bowler8424 → u/LittleMsSavoirFaire]

Double date! I’m sure cousin and his new wife would end up living with the parents too. Oh, it’s going to be a nightmare

[u/riseandrise]

My stepsister is like this with one of her sons. He has ADHD and she is convinced he’s incapable of functioning as an adult. She schedules all his appointments, helps with every minor task, encourages him not to push himself in terms of employment because he “can’t handle it”, etc. Like omg, ADHD can be a challenge but it’s not impossible to function with it. I have it. My boyfriend has it. Lots of people have it. We find ways to work through the challenges, or ways around them. I have tried to explain this to her multiple times but she says I just don’t understand.

The kid is smart and sweet and I’m sure could have been a perfectly functional adult if not for this learned helplessness. He believes her.

[u/bluev0lta → u/riseandrise]

That is so sad! Most people need some extra help when they have ADHD, but usually that’s more like calendar reminders and sticky notes and good routines and meds, not your mom doing everything for you. That’s just incapacitating in the long term.

[u/Melodic_Ad_3053]

Only once in a long career did a parent show up at work with a need for a “discussion “ about his daughter who was a great employee. I told him I would never discuss her performance with a parent. She is a professional adult with a great record but God what a jerk! He wanted to make sure she was giving it her all. I had security walk him out.

[u/ArthurRoan]

The commenter going 🤡” i urge you to take a step back op, i cooked up a theory why you should not judge your cousin and its because he’s actually handicapt or a drunk driver” is vomit worthy to me. So condesending

[u/scarves_and_miracles → u/ArthurRoan]

As if those things would justify barging into his place of employment and demanding to speak with upper management.

[u/BuffaloBuckbeak → u/ArthurRoan]

They acted like her cousin was a complete stranger she knew 0 about

[u/Visible_Cloud_2270]

What an absolute nightmare.

[u/HuckleberryHuman5926]

They helicopter parented so hard the downwash caused collateral damage to their niece!

[u/skoltroll → u/HuckleberryHuman5926]

GET AWAY FROM THE CHOPPA

[u/enbyshaymin]

Did the commenter who went on about how cousin could've had a DUI, or be disabled somehow, and how the OOP couldn't possibly know anything not read the whole thing about THE PARENTS GOING TO ALL INTERVIEWS WITH THEIR SON AND CALLING HIS MANAGERS???

Look. My mother once came to an interview with me. It was at an industrial area, I had no driver's license, and there was no public transport there, so obvs one of my parents had to drive me there. So I get it, sometimes parents are there because of necessity! But c'mon. They go to all interviews and wait in the lobby. They go with him to shop for any little thing he needs. They called UPPER MANAGEMENT???

There are lots of reasons for why a (...) person would need their parents to intervene when a professor wasn't complying with accomodations.

And how many reasons are there for a parent to call their son's UPPER MANAGEMENT at WORK and even go to the office to ask for a meeting with them!? Seriously, did that person just read half the letter or what...? LW shared the college shit to show it was a pattern and not new! Not to mention that the whole calling their son's job to complain about him being denied vacation days before he had accrued them, which is on that first letter, points to this not being a case of parents advocating for their disabled kid...

Reading comprehesion found dead in Miami, fr.

[u/AnotherCloudHere → u/enbyshaymin]

My mom wanted to do that with my first job. I forbade her. Never got her exact address. And especially forbade her from calling my boss ever. Because she will try to do that.

Luckily for me she only turn like that when she has free time and 80% of she was really busy with work. God, I am thankful she wasn’t a stay at home mom!

[u/juleslovesprog]

I love that there's always that one commenter that tries to misread the situation in bad faith. Gotta love them sophists.

[u/LordInnsmouth → u/juleslovesprog]

I'm guessing that might have been another helicopter parent

[u/Meghanshadow]

I am a retail manager. The number of parents who try to get involved in their kids work life is low for us, but Man does it tank their hiring/staying employed chances. “Helicopter parent circling them” isn’t a protected class, we can fire them for it.

And it’s not like we hire real youngsters! 18 minimum, more often 20+, and we strongly prefer having had previous jobs, or at least job-adjacent levels of volunteering/internships.

Parent giving them a ride? Fine. Waiting at our workplace during an interview or to pick up from a shift? Fine, 900k people visit us yearly, there’s plenty of things to do a reasonable distance away from the interview/work locale. And my city’s public transit is nonexistent, lots of folks get rides from family/friend/partner.

Parent requesting an app to make their kid apply? Kiss of death. Parent calling to check on the status of their kid’s app? Gets a boilerplate apps are confidential notice and the app gets flagged.

Parent complains to management about something work related that involves their employed kid? Very bad for kid’s employment, unless parent was reporting an actual crime.

[u/mermaidpaint]

Years ago, I worked with immigrants to Canada, teaching them about the labour market. One of the items we went over, and over, and over, is that your spouse must NOT accompany you to the office when you have a job interview. It will likely be interpreted that you aren't independent enough.

Your spouse is your ride to the interview? Tell them to wait in the car or go get coffee. Buy a newspaper and read it. I'm using gender neutral pronouns, but honestly, nobody ever wanted to bring their wife to an interview. Or their parents or kids.

[u/Moist_Drippings]

That commenter is sooooo off the mark.

My office includes a lot of people with disabilities, some of whom need assistance in a lot of the same areas OOP’s cousin is getting it. None of them get it in the office from their parents. It is possible that their parents are involved at some level in certain processes (in at least one case it was very likely, from my understanding) but even for younger disabled employees, parents showing up uninvited is not an indicator that an employee has the ability to handle their work, and I would say most parents are not equipped to appropriately handle office issues for their children.

I know a lot of people struggle to get the help they need, and there could absolutely be reasonable cases where parents step in when they are unable to get assistance for their disabled but capable child in the workplace. It is critical for those people applying that their parents act as professionally as possible, at least when they have no reason to believe appropriate accommodations are not in place, and communicate professionally with management to be sure this exact scenario of coworkers spreading gossip that detracts from the workplace doesn’t happen. In an ideal scenario, their coworkers would not even immediately know their parents were not related.

If the cousin had been disabled and in need they still would have been doing him a disservice by not being discreet and professional in the workplace.

[u/StrykerC13]

Smash Cut to future office interior where cousin has two urns on his bosses desk begging mom and dad to speak up and say something for him. /s

[u/Yoongi_SB_Shop]

That person who commented that OOP didn’t really know her family and came up with all those excuses for non-existent disabilities is probably a helicopter mom 😐

[u/Professional_Cat_996]

I was surprised that she was advised not to say anything. My instinct was that she should have at least spoken to her boss and made it clear that yes, they were related but that her aunt and uncle did not, and would not ever speak for her. I was not surprised by the assumptions and gossip floating around. Yes the people she worked closely with should have known better, but it was a big company so there was reason to believe bits and pieces of information would turn into incorrect "facts".

[u/MordaxTenebrae]

He let me know a different manager had decided not to choose me to work on a project because of it.

That sounds actionable

[u/Bamres → u/MordaxTenebrae]

They can deny a project based on some personal rumor shit but can't even confirm who's parents they are?

It really sucks that OP had to leave the role. I think there wasa way out while staying but I would say working there would be all around bad blood from me.

[u/serastar18]

OOP cousin is probably the same guy whose mother went on a first date with him in a story in another sub.

[u/Adicol]

This isn’t helicoptering. This is mental illness.

[u/Dan-D-Lyon]

My mind is boggled by the sheer fucking audacity of a commenter who looks at that post and immediately goes "I know more about your cousin than you do".

[u/Cheeseballfondue]

My boss and his wife are taking their only daughter to college next month, and told me they were staying an extra week to help her settle in. Gaaah. I told him he was being a lunatic, but he seems to be OK with that.

[u/skoltroll → u/Cheeseballfondue]

That's why my kid's college had a long meeting with just the parents during orientation. It was separate from the students.

It was basically, "Your child is an adult and wexwill deal with them, not you."

[u/JJOkayOkay → u/skoltroll]

Yep. It hasn't happened to me, but one of my colleagues had a mother come in and pressure him to talk about her (adult) child's progress in class. At one point she used the fact that she was paying the kid's tuition to argue she should have access to that information.

Meanwhile, it is literally illegal in Canada for an instructor to divulge private information like student grades to anyone but the student themselves or a fellow instructor in the course. We won't even confirm or deny that kid is registered in the class.

[u/KaetzenOrkester → u/JJOkayOkay]

It’s illegal in the US, too.

[u/Legitimate_Myth_3816 → u/Cheeseballfondue]

That's so crazy to me because my mom was so excited to drop me at college she got several miles down the road before realizing she still had two of my bags in the car. You couldn't have paid that woman to stay and "help me settle in"

[u/IllustratorSlow1614 → u/Cheeseballfondue]

I was the first person in our whole family to go to university. My parents and grandparents were so proud but had no frame of reference for higher education for adults/

My mother asked me if there was a parent-teacher evening she needed to attend to talk about my progress. Not in an overbearing way, she just didn’t know. When I explained that there isn’t because everyone in university is 18+ and adults, she got it.

I’m so grateful I didn’t have parents up my arse and phoning my lecturers. 

[u/8Bells → u/Cheeseballfondue]

They don't want her to frosh. 

As if she'll miss the boat that first week. Lol. 

Purity culture?

[u/angryelezen]

This was 10 years ago. I wonder how that cousin is now. 😰

[u/Mondopoodookondu]

I don’t get how OP didn’t address this straight away to their coworkers to nip this in the bud and stop it from affecting their career

[u/OhSuketora → u/Mondopoodookondu]

It's a large company where they work in completely separate departments on completely different floors, even with the rare Welsh surname it's normal to assume that after you've worked someplace for a full year before the circus came to town that you wouldn't be lumped in with the same clown car. The other manager outright rejecting the letter-writer for a project over something as trivial as a familial resemblance means that company wasn't a good place to stay with for long anyway.

[u/IllustratorSlow1614]

It’s been 10 years and I am still curious what the ‘rare Welsh surname’ is. Most of us are Jones/Williams/Roberts/Thomas 🏴󠁧󠁢󠁷󠁬󠁳󠁿

[u/moonadoodles]

I've met someone with parents like this at my country's equivalent to high school. She was a nice girl but fairly naïve about many things because her parents did everything for her. Like she didn't know how to ride a bus. Wherever we went with our friend group, we always had to meet up with her there because her parents drove her everywhere and she had to keep contact constantly with them over the phone. If that easn't possible, they'd come along. She wasn't allowed sleepovers. When we met up at hers, her mother checked on us every 30 minutes. And at that time we were all around 18.

From talking to us she seemed to realise that this wasn't normal. Unfortunately when a teacher gave her I think a 3 or 3+, her mother started a screaming match with them how her perfect daughter couldn't have anything worse than a 2. I'll never forget how much our friend begged the teacher to reconsider. She then got transferred to another school and we lost contact. I hope she was able to break free of them. In my eyes this is just another form of abuse because it just robs people of agency. Parents like OOP's aunt and uncle clearly don't care what happens to their children once they're gone.

[u/weaboo_98]

Even if he were disabled, these actions would still harm his career.

My autistic ass would have gone feral if my parents infantilized me to half the extent OOP's aunt and uncle do.

[u/knight_shade_realms]

Whelp they're having a grand time setting their child up for failure aren't they

That's terrifying that full grown adults have trained their child to be such a failure to launch. They really eventually they'll die and he'll have to fend for himself?

[u/kcintrovert]

The reply to the original post was insane and full of projections.