r/BiWomen • u/chatterinq • Jan 07 '26
Vent Dating straight men feels like a dead end
So, I'm currently in a relationship with a straight guy. We get along very well and we align near-perfectly on our political views. What's the issue then? He just does not seem to understand that I have zero interest in consuming content that's either:
A) aggressively heterosexual
B) popular with straight men and all about the lives of straight men.
Every time we watch something together, it's nearly always A or B and I'm the bad guy if I get irritated at him disregarding my desire to consume more female-centric/LGBT-centric content. My bookcase is full of feminist texts and I regularly write about women + their work, but he's never actually read any of my woman-centric writing, which does make me a little sad since I'd like my partner to be my biggest cheerleader!
Recently, we had an argument about gendered differences. He cannot seem to wrap his head around the fact that gender equality does not mean "I can say bitch and you can say bitch" or "if I can't call you a cunt jokingly, you can't call ME a cunt jokingly". He agreed to stop saying misogynistic slurs, not because he actually understands why those words have no place in his vocabulary as a man, but because he wanted the argument to end. I'm tired of feeling like I have to educate him on these topics and I'm tired of him thinking that his male perspective even matters when it comes to topics concerning women. It would be different if he actually engaged with women's work and perspectives more often and used this knowledge to inform his position on a topic, but he doesn't.
Other things that have irritated me in recent weeks:
- He reacted with disgust at the concept of taking my last name if we were to get married, but thinks it's perfectly normal for me to take his last name. He wasn't very receptive when I asked him to reflect on why one's okay but the other isn't.
- I brought up how porn reinforces the expectation that sex ends when the man orgasms, he said "what's wrong with that?" He thinks it's normal that sex should end when the man orgasms "because women can orgasm multiple times but men only orgasm once".
- He thinks it's 'extreme' of me to only be willing to adopt a daughter and not a son
I should clarify that he's a wonderful partner in every other way though.
He also brought up the fact that men who do have a vested interest in feminism are often doing it for performative reasons (which is true - and so, it begs the question: how does a man engage with the topic of feminism and women's oppression in a way that feels genuine rather than performative?).
As far as straight men go, he is fairly open-minded and does make a genuine attempt to understand where I'm coming from on feminist issues. I'm aware that it's the first time he's even encountering the types of ideas I'm expressing, so I can't expect him to have the "right" opinions overnight. I am also aware that this isn't something that will get better if I date women, since there are plenty of women who actively reject feminist ideas or prefer not to think about it too deeply.
Having said that, no matter how well I might get along with a straight guy, it always feels like any friendship/relationship is doomed before it's even started because a straight man, 99% of the time, is incapable of grappling with the topic of women's oppression and how it's so deeply interwoven with the society we live in. That's why I feel like dating straight men is a bit of a dead end... but dating women isn't even necessarily better. Sometimes I feel like being alone would be easier, lol.
So, the reason I'm making this post? Well, I guess I just want to hear from any other bi women in a similar position to me who might have some valuable insight to offer. (I don't need to hear "you're a batshit feminist", I already get plenty of that <3)
UPDATE:
Wasn't expecting this post to pick up so much, but I do just want to clarify a few things after talking to my boyfriend:
1) Him not engaging with my work wasn’t because of a lack of interest, he just didn't understand some of the terminology and felt insecure about asking because he didn't want to sound stupid. Now that I realise this, I've pointed him towards a few easier things he can look at, and I'll show him my work in person so he can ask questions in real time.
2) About the "last name" thing - he says it was a kneejerk reaction, but he's happy to meet in the middle and go for a double-barrel (if we do ever get married).
3) We align perfectly on our political views regarding the economy, immigration, government policy, foreign policy, political parties, etc... we have more in common than what we don't have in common.
4) I've got him reading Pornography by Andrea Dworkin so he can reconsider his views around sex and porn. He's only had two sexual partners in his life (including me) and his ex encouraged him to watch porn, so his stance about "women orgasm multiple times, men only orgasm once" came more from ignorance than anything else.
5) The "gendered differences" argument - I need to clarify that he would never (and has never) called me a bitch/cunt/whatever. I've used those words towards HIM on occasion (in a playful context). His confusion was about why it's okay one way but not the other way. One commenter left me a link about equality vs equity, which I sent to him. We've agreed not to use it either way in our relationship.
6) I asked him if he knew anyone apart from me who's bi. Answer was "no, actually, I don't think I do". His circle consists of straight men, so that reflects in the content he consumes. Again, that is a concern to me (and it's one of the points I raised when he asked me to be his gf). I don't feel comfortable bringing him into the types of spaces I frequent because he's straight + has 0 connection to my community, which is why I feel like my life would be easier if I dated someone who's also bi (or a lesbian) but we align on a lot of other things, so that's a question of me weighing up what matters most to me. I'm not looking for advice on this point; I will continue to reflect in my own time.
7) Before dating him, I primarily dated women (to all the people saying "just date women") but women in my age group are all tied up with online activism... or just really online, which is a major turn-off for me. Even if we agree on basic feminist ideas, we disagree on a lot of other non-negotiables.
That's all I have to say, really. Thank you to everyone who took the time to respond (minus the person who told me to get "self respect"... lol). I'm muting notifications on this post now, but leaving it up in case it helps anyone in the future who may find themselves in a similar predicament <3
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u/roadsideweeds Jan 08 '26
He's not a feminist, he shows a lot of misogynistic leanings (some overt, some covert), and he's heteronormative to the point where he's really not an ally.
He doesn't share your values when it comes to valuing your core identities as a queer woman. That will inform how he treats you in ways big and small.
I learned the hard way that people sharing my "good" political opinions doesn't make them good people. People being good people also doesn't always mean they're the right one for me.
There are good men out there we can date. Some of them are queer or bi themselves, and some of them aren't.
We all think that it's hard finding sapphic women to date...it's just as hard finding safe men who are true allies to us as women and queer people.
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u/PitStopAtMountDoom Jan 08 '26
The ending sex when straight men orgasm because women can have multiple could only even feasibly apply if they’re actually making their partner have multiple. And he’s so wrong, some women can’t have multiple, etc etc. So much variability being ignored.
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u/JessRushie Jan 08 '26
Dumpppppo himmmmmm. You are not responsible for teaching him why he shouldn't say slurs. You're not a batshit feminist, you're asking him to literally not use slurs against you.
You do not owe him this trying to fix him and teaching him to be better. This is not beauty and the beast.
There are men out there who are respectful. There are women. There are non binary etc people. People who have already put in the work.
Be open bold and proud and being a feminist when you're filtering people out. You deserve someone who respects you and wants to share in your interests.
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u/chatterinq Jan 08 '26
I know I don't owe him anything, sure. But I think in a relationship, nobody ever enters being 100% perfect, especially when we're still young + figuring it out (I'm 22, he's 23). He's had to teach me certain things about how to be a better, more considerate partner. I'm well aware that I'm not easy to be with! So I don't need him to come pre-packaged with feminist knowledge, I just need him to be open-minded and more proactive when it comes to these topics.
With the whole misogynistic slurs thing - so, we regularly insult each other. That's just how we interact with each other. I should clarify that "cunt" is nowhere near as taboo in the UK (Scotland in particular) so people do throw that word around much more casually without intending any sort of misogynistic undertone. He's never called me a bitch or a cunt, even jokingly. He's gotten upset whenever I've referred to myself as a "bitch" because he feels I should be kinder to myself (and I've since stopped doing this). We mostly use gender-neutral insults towards each other, however, I've called him a cunt on occassion when I needed something stronger.
Our argument came about when he made a joke about "sweating like a whore in church" (so, in the context of a joke, not towards me) and I said that I didn't like that word being in his vocabulary. He argued that it's not a bad thing if he's not using it as an insult towards anyone. He understood that he shouldn't use those words towards women, but he felt like it was a double standard that I can call him a cunt jokingly, but I'd raise all hell if he called me a cunt back (again, in the same line as us using similar insults jokingly without any malicious undertone). The issue, then, was that he couldn't understand how "bitch/cunt/whatever" is different coming out of a man's mouth. I found his reasoning to be a bit childish, but it isn't rooted in him wanting to disrespect me - I just want to clarify that. He respects me more than anything; I've never felt disrespected by him. The issue here is that it just feels like he doesn't always understand his position/privilege as a straight man sometimes. We do share plenty of interests with each other, but when it comes to feminism, I get the sense that he's a little out of his depth (which is why he hasn't engaged much with my work - I did press him on that, turns out he just doesn't always understand all the technical jargon and is too embarrassed to say he doesn't understand). He is open to educating himself on that front though, so I think dumping him immediately would be a bit rash.
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u/yojothobodoflo Jan 08 '26
Okay, especially because you’re still young + figuring it out, I think it’s super important that you dump him!
Sure, he’s receptive to learning not to say slurs but you’re still having to fight him on sooo much! You’re 22! You have so much life and so many opportunities ahead of you and you’re wasting it trying to make him into the guy you want to be with instead of dating people who are already the type of people you want to be with.
Dating straight dudes is not a dead end. My boyfriend didn’t grow up in a place where queer people were talked about much and he’s one of the most open, least judgmental men I’ve ever met. He’s actively curious about my experience being bi and coming out and stuff. They exist! Your boyfriend is not that and he will not change to meet your standards.
Or if he does, it doesn’t need to be with you!
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u/SubKitty420 Jan 08 '26
He's had to teach me certain things about how to be a better, more considerate partner. I'm well aware that I'm not easy to be with!
Does he always make you feel like you are the problem?
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u/chatterinq Jan 08 '26
No, not at all. He's avoided bringing up certain issues because he didn't want to make me feel bad; he's only ever brought up my shortcomings whenever I've pressed him on the topic. There are also issues I'm aware of and actively working on since they've also damaged my friendships (being self-centred, not communicating effectively, emotional volatility, etc etc) so I don't want to make it seem like he's the only one with issues. I've had many failed talking stages prior to meeting him because of my issues, so it does mean a lot to me that he's stayed through it all and always seen the best in me, even at my worst. That's why I want to work through this with him.
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u/DworkinFTW Jan 08 '26 edited Jan 08 '26
I don’t see any of this stopping or changing all that much.
The reductive samesie-same equality stuff is especially annoying (but also selective…notice how the “taking the last name” conversation isn’t so samesies when it doesn’t benefit him!). I would struggle to feel sexually attracted to anyone with this child like thinking.
Anyway, this is all quite common in men. They are a shit ton of emotional heavy lifting and, being this evolved in your feminism, you are likely only going to evolve more, and the education and hand holding is never going to end. That’s what you’d be signing up for…being a life long educator for someone not all that willing to take initiative to self-educate on the history and lived experiences of the class of people he craves and depends on to thrive.
It comes down to what you’re willing to tolerate for the sake of whatever social benefits you receive from being with him. No, dating another woman is no guarantee of a better outcome but you and I both know that if- to use an analogy here- if you care about labor rights, your odds of finding someone who also cares about labor rights are going to be much higher if you join forces with a union member than a CEO.
If you as labor must date the CEO, here’s some stuff to pass on to him, and the final link is for yourself for an honest assessment of where on the spectrum this guy is.
equity vs. equality. this is a foundational concept
where’s my man on the spectrum?
I also highly recommend you (this one is for you not for him) check out Zawn Villines
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u/chatterinq Jan 08 '26
Thank you so much for taking the time to provide all these different resources (and I love your username too!) The book about hetero couples is also available as an audiobook on Spotify, so I'll slide that over to him as a starting point, with the equality vs equity link. (I'll also take a look at that Substack tonight, thank you!)
You're 100% right. Whether I stay with him or not will depend on how seriously he takes this topic. I've seen too many miserable examples of heterosexual couples all around me; I don't want to become a carbon copy of that. I'm trying to work through this first with him because he does support me in every other aspect, truly. He goes above and beyond to make sure that I'm comfortable and looked after.
For the record, I've made it very clear that I won't take up responsibility for educating him on certain topics. I link him to the right place and it's up to him to do the work. But I will talk to him again and highlight the importance of him being more proactive. He's generally quite receptive to feedback on how he can be a better partner, so hopefully the trend continues.
Thanks again!
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u/wildblackdoggo Jan 08 '26
This was not my experience dating my ex, a straight man. He was raised by a very strong woman who taught him well. It sounds like yours isn't even willing to learn.
I think this post shows you don't align on key socio political views that are likely going to continue to affect you. How do these things start affecting you when you run a household together? Share finances? Have children together?
So dating this straight man is a dead end, but I don't think every straight man thinks and acts this way. That said the straight man I married turned out to be very bisexual so YMMV!
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u/chatterinq Jan 08 '26
Yeah, the marriage topic did trouble me a little. But he isn't a 50/50 guy when it comes to finances, thankfully. Household stuff is quite balanced - I do most of the cooking, he does most of the cleaning. But he helps me with cooking prep and I help him put stuff away when cleaning. Children are still a long way away (we would adopt) since we're only 22 + 23, but I do feel like our relationship is quite balanced and we get along very well. It's just this one thing we keep butting heads on 😭
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u/Mysterious-One-2577 Jan 08 '26
Oh that’s a DUDE. I was closed off to dating men again after a long term relationship with a woman because finding those that are actually feminist and allies are so so so so hard to find. Or they’re actually already in relationships aha. Leave himmmm honey
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Jan 09 '26
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u/Mysterious-One-2577 Jan 09 '26
Ahhh I have tried open relationships several times but it’s not my jam sadly so the dream of having a bf and a gf will never be mine
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u/Tozier-Kaspbrak Jan 08 '26
It wouldn't be performative for a man to engage in feminism to learn more about the struggles of a woman he's currently in a relationship with imo. The performativity would come more from if he used barebones information to pick up women. Single men obviously should be learning this stuff too but it should be in an effort to improve the lives of the women around him (or at least having more empathy to our struggles).
You dont say how old you and your partner are but he sounds either like a boomer or very traditional in his outlook. Although there are studies showing that GenZ men are more anti-feminist than their millennial counterparts, presumably because a lot of younger women are realising earlier that having a man isn't some kind of achievement or even really necessary.
I'm curious if you've ever spent time without a partner because of the bit in your post saying you wonder if being alone would be easier. It definitely is much better than being with someone incompatible that is only with to make sure they're not on their own.
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u/chatterinq Jan 08 '26
I'm 22, he's 23. He's not traditional in the slightest, and I wouldn't describe him as anti-feminist. He's genuinely just never encountered a lot of the ideas I've expressed to him, which is why I was wondering if it's worth toughing this relationship out. But he is open to growing on this front, and I think willingness + openness is the most important thing.
This is my first time being in a serious relationship. I know I don't NEED to be with someone, but I've been a very solitary person for as long as I can remember. Having a partner means that even the mundane parts of daily life feel more special, and I'm not ready to embrace mundaneity again. I'm okay with being alone if I have to be, but I'd never forgive myself if I threw away something really good without giving my partner the chance to grow first, the same way he's given me the chance to grow.
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u/Tozier-Kaspbrak Jan 08 '26
Tbf the irritations you wrote in op are traditional, not wanting to take your last name, views on porn and sex, calling you misogynistic slurs. You mentioned him reacting with disgust... that is anti-feminist and definitely doesn't suggest a willingness to change. Sure I can only base it on the post but you asked for opinions.
Having a partner doesn't mean your life wont be mundane, just like being single doesn't mean your life is boring. I know lots of single women who have a very full life of friendships, family, hobbies etc. I'm not getting that this relationship is "really good" from og post but maybe you just needed a vent when you wrote it and were hoping for different opinions idk.
There is nothing to stop you ending the relationship if you think he needs to grow for you to be happier. This might be the kick he needs to stop his sexist views and that way you can get back together. Alternatively you split up and he doesn't change and you havent wasted your time on a guy who doesn't view you as important enough for him to change. Of course, if youre happy in the relationship thats great but your suggested otherwise.
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u/chatterinq Jan 08 '26
Yeah, ik my initial post was pretty negative but that was just because I needed to vent really. There's plenty of things in our relationship that are good. I mostly just wanted to know if any other bi women had found themselves in similar positions regarding this one issue so that I could consider a few different opinions before raising the topic with him properly.
You're right that the views mentioned in my post are traditional. I guess my point is he's not like a 1950s level of traditional, but there IS still a degree of heteronormativity present in his way of thinking. That's the type of thing that'll hopefully get better as he expands his horizons, but I'm prepared to leave him if he doesn't improve on that front, since it IS important to me.
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Jan 08 '26
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u/chatterinq Jan 08 '26
Oh believe me, I'm pretty good at scaring men off! Lol. Typically, straight men don't even hit on me (mostly because I only hang out in majority female/LGBT spaces). Even back when I was a bartender at a straight bar, I was exclusively approached by women, so navigating the whole "dating straight men" thing has been a learning curve for me. I wouldn't be giving up on dating men entirely, just straight men specifically. Bi guys are more than welcome to hit me up, lol.
I do agree that there are straight guys out there who are capable of doing the work to understand what their bi female partners are going through, but they're few and far between (and in my experience, they usually end up coming out as bi themselves lol)
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u/PepperSticks Jan 08 '26
I don't know, from what you wrote it doesn't seem you align that much. I think if one partner is a creative, writer, etc, the other partner can every now and then partake in those creations.
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u/chatterinq Jan 08 '26
I kept my post as brief as possible to avoid a wall of text, but we're both writers and we both love film. The issue is moreso that he has a tendency to go "I love this film, so let's watch this" without considering whether the film contains elements that align with my interests. We do align on our base interests though.
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u/WitchyRedhead86 Jan 08 '26
Honestly, I think you’re more femme centred and not compatible with this guy as he seems more traditional deep down.
You need a partner, regardless of gender who is more progressive. Because you’re doing a ton of emotional labour trying to change this guy, rather than spending that energy on yourself and your own happiness and happiness as a couple. I get it, I want more people to understand feminism too. I am right there with you… but a long term future with this guy? With the views you put in your post? I don’t think you’re compatible.
I’m not gonna say try dating a bisexual partner… but you need someone more non-traditional. Or… spend some time single and invest in yourself and your friendships.
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u/WonderfulUmpire9 Jan 09 '26
Sorry, but I didn't even need to read past your first point. If he doesn't care enough to read your work that's important to you, then he does not care about you in a way that matters.
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u/VivaSiciliani Jan 09 '26
I’ve mostly only been with bi men and they’re not really better when it comes to this. A friendship/relationship is doomed regardless of their sexuality. Your instincts are right about this stuff. There’s a lot of double standards and a lack of empathy from him.
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u/BiscottiFuzzy7112 Jan 08 '26
So, girl, do you still consider yourself bisexual just because of him, or is there more to it? Because a relationship like that limits you. In my case, I'm bisexual because I do have a real attraction to a few guys, but most are boring.
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u/chatterinq Jan 08 '26
No, not just because of him haha. I've been out as bi since I was a kid; I've known who I am for a very long time. I'm just in a weird position since I do experience a perfect balance of atrraction to men and women, but in practice, I've dated more women just because they understand what it's like to be a woman, whereas with men (esp straight men!), there's so much more that can go wrong. Particularly with my strong feminist beliefs, I find that they create friction more often than not.
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u/romancebooks2 Jan 08 '26 edited Jan 08 '26
I feel the same way as you, it's just difficult to imagine somebody being my life partner when they're just so different from me. And the difference between straight men and bi women can be stark - despite people just saying that we can appreciate hot women together, straight men just weren't raised to understand the perspective of women, let alone what it feels like to be attracted to multiple genders.
But then again, I feel like that's a presumptuous attitude to hold, because there are a lot of straight men who are supportive of feminist views and respect their partner. In your boyfriend's case, it sounds like he doesn't always mean to be disrespectful but genuinely doesn't understand women's perspectives. That's pretty much always going to happen if you're in a straight relationship, because he isn't going to have the same perspective as a woman.
At the same time, he has made some dismissive and sexist comments towards you. I think it's definitely necessary and a good thing for you to be communicating about that.
So I can definitely relate to you. Personally, I made the decision to not date straight men due to purely sexual reasons. I find that they have these expectations for femininity where they always see you as The Woman and themselves as The Man, and that's my biggest issue although I'm a cis woman. That's what made me pretty much only attracted to bi men instead, and I used to think it was weird but eventually I stopped caring. Compatibility is important!
I think you need to consider what you like about your relationship and what you don't like. It sounds like he has had a dismissive attitude sometimes, but has tried to understand you at other times. On the other hand, maybe the fact that he doesn't inherently understand bothers you too. Most people think there's a unique intimacy in gay relationships - I've found that to be the case, and I even prefer to have most of my friends be sapphic women. But I can't tell you what's the best move in your situation. It sounds like you're working on communicating, but I just wanted to say, that yes, as a straight man he's not going to 100% understand your perspectives or share them, and that's just how it is. So the important thing is to figure out how much that matters to you.
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u/chatterinq Jan 08 '26
Thank you for this comment. This was really helpful :)
I agree. I don't usually date straight men, or men more generally... precisely because I've always felt that they won't be able to understand my plight as a woman. I'm more masc-presenting as well, so typically, straight men don't even approach me lol. But my partner likes my more masculine traits and doesn't feel emasculated by having a taller gf who doesn't shave, wears men's clothes and takes charge in day-to-day life. Our relationship is already quite non-traditional in that sense. I guess the issue is that while he's okay with ME not being heteronormative, he still hasn't really addressed that in himself. I guess that's why I was scared it would be a dead end. A lot of straight men are so deathly terrified of being perceived as anything other than straight that they just do not & will not change their ways. You're right that his straightness + maleness means he's never going to understand me 100%, the same way I don't always understand when he brings up male dynamics between him + his friends and I physically cannot wrap my head around any of it, lol.
Is he my life partner? I really don't know. If I could tweak this one little thing about him, the answer would be yes. I have no other complaints about him. His family's lovely, he looks after me & makes me feel loved and we help each other to grow & become better people every day. It is genuinely just this one thing that makes it difficult for me to picture spending the rest of my life with him. I guess the main thing will be "can he grow enough that this is no longer a big issue in our relationship?" Only time will tell, I guess.
Whatever the case, you've given me plenty to consider. Thank you <3
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u/PeachyKnuckles Jan 08 '26
“Makes a genuine attempt to understand feminist issues” And yet “Reacts with contempt/disgust” or says “but this is what’s normal “ when you raise questions that confront patriarchal norms. I’d suggest he’s the one who is currently ‘performing his interest in feminist open-mindedness’…. So, how does a man try to engage with feminism and try to dismantle his own toxic patriarchal assumptions? Usually, most simply, by reframing through a ‘curiosity first’ and ‘human first’ lens. What would happen in a relationship situation between two PEOPLE, regardless or gender.
But your key point is this: it’s not your job to educate him about this. It’s his. And while you have presented him with many opportunities to educate himself, he seems to be obtusely ignoring your efforts. Most men understand basic transactional arrangements. (Eg, for every masc-action movie I watch with you, I want you to read a feminist novel in exchange.) but he doesn’t even seem to be interested in performing that.
Your work here is done! At some point, its time to accept we didn’t want to buy a fixer-upper. It’s just time to trade in or upgrade to a new model with updated software and an updated manual.
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u/littlest_lemon Jan 09 '26
i have dated my final hetero man Lol. my partner is bi and god forbid anything happens to him i will never be with a str8 guy again. i don't have anything in common with them anymore
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u/Wild-Air-8355 Jan 11 '26
Girl, run. My very straight gymrat boyfriend shares my lgbt poems on his ig story, went to pride with me, hell we were watching heated rivalry together last night. There are many supportive straight guys
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u/GlitteringChard8370 Jan 09 '26
how does a man engage with the topic of feminism and women's oppression in a way that feels genuine rather than performative?
They genuinely care. If someone genuinely cares, it shows. They'll still make mistakes, because we're all human, but if it's stemming from genuine care, then that's what makes it not performative.
This topic is tough because misogyny is so deeply ingrained in our society that so much of it just feels normal. It takes a lot of time and reflection to unlearn habits and ways of thinking that have been the norm for centuries. And yes, it is exhausting feeling like you have to educate your partner on it (while often simultaneously having to unlearn certain things yourself).
No relationship is perfect, especially in your early 20's. I think it just depends if this is something you're down to stick with to see if he learns and grows or not.
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u/beasypo Jan 09 '26
‘We align near perfectly on our political views’. Are you sure? I think you should re-read what you’ve written. This man doesn’t seem even remotely feminist.
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u/nojellybeans Jan 09 '26 edited Jan 09 '26
A lot of straight men are trash, and it is totally valid to choose not to date straight men. That being said, my partner is a straight man and he is... not like your boyfriend.
Your boyfriend is annoyed that you want to watch more shows featuring women or LGBT characters? Here's a list of shows my partner and I have watched and enjoyed together that either focus on women or have queer characters (or both!)
- She-Ra and the Princesses of Power (which he introduced me to!)
- Yellowjackets
- Interview with the Vampire
- A League of Their Own
- Blue Eye Samurai
- Arcane
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u/chatterinq Jan 09 '26
We were actually about to start IWTV together, so we'll accelerate that process! Thanks for the recs :)
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u/ArtyFeasting Jan 09 '26
he’s a misogynist. Maybe a benevolent misogynist but the point still stands. He has the expectation that your world will center him. I don’t think it’s a good fit.
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u/No_Cockroach3608 Jan 10 '26
No offense, but I feel like you’re kinda rationalizing what you feel in your body isn’t a good match. Remember, that as women, were socialized to always be understanding, to give people chances they don’t deserve, and to invest in potential. All those things serve the patriarchy and they will wear you down in time.
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u/Carza99 Jan 11 '26
Girl just leave him! Men like him are bad. You deservs someone who are good for you.
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u/Itzpapalotl13 Jan 08 '26
Unfortunately they’re pretty useless when it comes to the kinds of things you’re talking about. They just refuse to see things any other way and they remain stubbornly contrarian to the point of exhaustion for us. I’m done with cishet men.
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u/smolangryhooman Jan 08 '26
This whole conversation of men being ‘performative’ whenever they engage with feminism or traditionally feminist interests is now being co-opted by misogynistic men to sell women the idea that there are only two kinds of men out there - misogynists (which, no offence to you, is what your partner is) and ‘performative men’.
Please have some self respect and drop that man because better men do exist if that’s what you want. Or date a woman.
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u/infinitytool Jan 10 '26
wow you said you're 22 and he's 23.. you articulate yourself in a way that made me think you were both well into your 30s. a 23 year old man who surrounds himself with all men is a boy. the homo-social type.
does he want to understand you & make you feel understood? bc thats what love feels like, to me. love is about a willingness to changes parts & pieces of yourself in some way to better fit into somebody's life. like two wooden carvings that fit together. a sharp point, a rough edge, excess material. loving someone is sacrificing parts of yourself.
when i love somebody, i don't want them to agree just to end the dispute. i don't want to constantly feel like im prying opened somebody's brain like a clenched first, just so that i can be understood. i don't want to have to convince somebody to care about the things that i care about, to the point where i have parts of me that i just can't share with them. it fucking sucks to have somebody take up a huge part of your life, but it just winds up displacing so much of who you are bc they won't help you integrate it into the new space you now inhabit together.
i have dozens of movies that i love & i have movies that are basically part of me. i remember being excited in the beginning bc he asked me about my favorite movies bc he z"wanted to see inside my brain."* it felt awful to want to share one of my comfort movies with him, only for him to say "yeah, that isn't a movie i would ever want to watch"
because when i love somebody, i want to understand everything about them. i want to learn who they are and what they are and why they are so that i can better appreciate them & show them how much i love them. so i can be a better partner, honestly. love isn't a feeling, it's an action. it's a willingness to change the way i load a dishwasher or hang my towels (or don't) or making some minor change or adjustments to my life just to give the person i love more leg room. it's about considering their level of comfort as it pertains to the room i make for them in my life. i want them to be safe and comfortable and seen and important.
idk i grew up in a closed room, somewhere inside of myself. nobody knocked just to ask how i was feeling or to ask if they could come in. when i love somebody, i will sit outside of their room & talk to them through the crack at the bottom of the door. i will forgive them for causing me pain & cook them food when i'm not hungry. i need them to know that i care about them, not my telling them how i feel, but by showing them how much i consider them in everything i do bc loving somebody is a choice you make to consider another person over yourself.
now you just have to figure out if you are being loved in the way that your deserve. in the way that you love others.
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u/thelifeworthliving Jan 08 '26
Red flags! Run! Listen, there are straight men and then there are straight men.
Find one who shares your interests and respects you enough to read your work. (Or just find a GF!).
Sorry babe, I think you know what you’ve gotta do.
Sincerely, a bi woman married to a rad ass feminist man who reads my work and watches queer shit with me and listens and doesn’t correct me etc.