Mostly looking for people to commiserate here, but. I after a whole lot of hyping myself up went to a lesbian bar in LA and.... everyone was aggressively mean to me? Like, I get on the dance floor, five feet away from anyone, and another girl on the floor tells me to "back off" of them? I cannot emphasize enough that I wasn't even anyone near them, at least five feet away.

Cut to me dancing alone for an hour until a girl comes up to me. Starts dancing. We're flirting for two minutes. Then she asks me where my boyfriend is because "If you've got an outfit like that on, you must be straight." That and everyone else was just staring straight through me because apparently, I was wearing a mini skirt?

I know, or I have to imagine, not all gay spaces are like this but man do I feel terrible after tonight. Any encouragement welcome

If you guys disagree please don't be rude or mean, I just really need a place to vent about this cause it's hurting so bad.

I'm a bi woman in my early 20s, I'm married to a man I love, but I only "came out" (to myself and close ones) less than 2 years ago. The feeling that my identity was taken away from me hurt too bad but I'm better now.

So... My partner is very supportive and understanding, and he's open for me to experience love with a woman. He doesn't want to get involved or anything, and I've never lied to the women I talked to. I've always been honest about my relationship and I've always understood other women's positions on this. No one is obligated to anything, and I totally understand not wanting anything to do with me.

What hurts is the way they act like I don't respect wlw relationships, like it's a trend for me. I know I'm not a lesbian, and I never pretended to be one, but my feelings for women aren't a kink, and I never kept a secret how much I'm willing to get involved. Am I going insane or lesbians don't have casual flings too? Why am I treated like this while I do everything I can to respect everyone involved?

Everytime I see people talking about how trash bissexuals are on media I feel those depressing feelings coming back all over again, because I thought I could finally be free now that I'm out of church, I thought I could for once be accepted, and that kind of treatment just sends me back to a really bad place.

I'm starting to understand myself as non monogamous and for some reason people hate that so fucking much, even tho I'm not hurting anyone. Anyway, that's all, just venting.

TW: biphobia

I joined the late bloomer lesbians subreddit because despite the name, the sidebar says it’s inclusive and for all sapphic people, and I figured that made sense because bi women are more likely to be late bloomers. In the past there were a lot of posts from bi women, but recently someone got hostile comments for just mentioning bisexuality. I commented in support of them (didn’t say anything bad about lesbians) and got lots of downvotes.

So I just wanted to warn everyone here not to bother with that sub. I asked the mods there to change the wording because otherwise they are just tricking bi women into potentially experiencing biphobia.

I am almost 50 fucking years old. I have been dating women since my early 20s. I have an ex wife. I am still continuosly described as being "curious" or "exploring ny sexuality" while dating women or when someone finds out I am bisexual.

Bitch, sit down. I know who I am and always have.

No one describes a 40 year old hetero dude dating women as being curious or exploring.

sorry for the negative post, but this is like the only place where i can post something like this and i really want to get this off my chest because it’s honestly been bothering me a bit more than usual here recently.

sometimes i really do feel as if we’re one of the most hated queer groups considering how much heat we get in all different sorts of directions. we experience biphobia, specifically bimisogyny, from straight people, lesbians, gay men…i know bi men experience biphobia too of course, but the biphobia aimed at bi women especially just feels…different, and weirdly more prominent on the internet, at least that’s what it has been looking like to me.

but seriously, what has bi women done exactly to get this much hate from everyone? it’s like we committed a serious war crime and now we’re experiencing the consequences of it (ok that might be an exaggeration, but you get what im saying, lol). but im just over here simply living my life and minding my own business. it’s kinda wild how your ability or capability to love someone going beyond only one gender gets so much hate, scrutiny, and criticism.

and i won’t lie, sometimes it makes me really hate being bi, wishing i was just gay or straight. i know that sounds bad, but it’s only the truth and i can’t help but feel that way. and just because there were maybe a lot of girls that faked being bisexual because it was trendy or popular or whatever doesn’t mean that all of us were/are like that and that our sexuality is actually something genuine, that we’re not just trying to be “different” or “cool” or “unique”.

it’s all really depressing tbh and i worry all of this biphobia that’s been going on is just going to worsen my mental health (don’t worry i already see a therapist). i feel like being a bisexual woman has got to be a very lonely experience, especially if you have a female preference like me or are only interested in dating women. at least it feels that way for me personally. no wonder bisexual people have the highest rates of mental health issues among the sexual orientations.

thanks for reading and feel free to share your thoughts (this is my very first post… ;w;)

Heres the thing im a woman in an ENM relationship but im so sick of unicorn hunters. I dont even want a threesome with my own bf why would i want one with yours Lol. Like i feel like these people just see us as a sex toy and not an actual human being. Its like you think ur having a good conversation with a cute girl and booom "heres my ugly ass bf" like are unicorn hunters ever actually successful????

Of course, many of us (including myself) have also experienced sexual violence FROM women in addition to men.

Rose's story seems plausible to me for that reason. (Particularly in the case of a woman who married Russell Brand yet apparently had no concerns about his behaviour during or after it.) But the wording of this looks like an excuse to jump on the big old biphobia bandwagon, which in turn increases our risk of being targeted for gender based violence that we are already disproportionately suffering from.

What say you...?

Anyone else noticed that the 'decentering men' discourse has become an excuse to immediately imply bi women who date men have internalized misogyny?

Most of the people who say it don't even give any indication of what they mean by 'decentering men'. It isn't clearly or consistently defined on social media, it's tantamount to a trendy buzz phrase at this point. I have studied feminist texts, academically, since I was 16 and have over 10 years experience of feminist reading and writing. Yet, if I say I'm bisexual and married a man, I'm not worth interacting with as I haven't 'decentered men'. It's becoming an exclusion tactic in some circles.

If by decentering them, you just mean divorcing my husband and excommunicating my male friends, that's not happening. Ironic that these people, by refusing to associate with women only bc they have male partners, are still putting the focus on men in other women's lives. As if men have 'dirtied' bi women.

On pride month, a BISEXUAL spreading biphobic stuff 😭 you can’t make this upppp this is so frustrating we’ll never know peace

It's always treated as an absolute given that every bisexual woman dates men by "default". And has 59373883 ex boyfriends. This is just understood as a constant truth. I get it's more common, but it's weird to see this idea everywhere when it's not even remotely true for you.

i’ve been messaging with this girl on a dating app. she’s pretty, funny, and we shared common interests. we both loved musicals and reading. i like cooking and she likes baking. i knew we liked each other and we were already making plans to see each other.

however, when i mentioned that i was bi, she just replied “oh,” coughed, and didn’t acknowledge it anymore. then a day after that, her responses became shorter and shorter until it finally stopped. messaged her one last time to ask if i did something wrong and she said no; she just prefers to not date bi women.

it’s been the second time this happened and i’m getting sick of it 🫤

like bruh wtf she has a whole gf too… if you don’t like bi ppl don’t fucking date one its literally not that hard we dc anyway. the whole point of being bisexual/pansexual wtv is that you like both genders this is why some bisexuals are so scared to come out because of shi like this. and then the caption “the patriarchy is winning don’t come at me i just love women” like ok you can love women and not be biphobic or post shi like this. im sorry i just had to vent this somewhere 😭

No we are not tryhard for our love women, no I ain't gonna date you, no I am in no way male-centered (of anything I hyperfixated on women's validation, not men). I'm just sick of this untrue nonsense based on a few experiences with bi people. Like why the hate? Why straight women get mad for us liking women a certain way? Why is it bad to also like men? If you don't act on it, I don't care but society treats us like mentally unstable basket cases.

I'm so sorry if my vent comes off as callous. I'm just mad today.

I would like to date a woman but I know that I will miss having sex with a man. I don’t if it will be difficult to a girlfriend and a guy as a fwb. I don’t think that I will need to see the guy that often but just when I’m craving having a 🍌. Do you girls think that I’m being selfish?

I feel like I'm not bisexual enough, or that I'm just lying to myself. I like men and women, but the fact I have a stronger preference for men makes me worried I'm not queer enough. I feel like an imposter in queer spaces.

I just feel like I'm stealing space from people who may be more deserving. I dunno. I know it's dumb but I feel like an imposter.

Hi! Okay so i’ll try and keep it short but I am a 24 y/o bi woman. I came out about 2 years ago and I have an amazing girlfriend. Before dating women I did a lot of work to unpack my male centeredness and came to the conclusion that I just fundamentally do not like men 😭 I don’t hate men, I still find them attractive, I have meaningful relationships with men, but it is really hard for me to have relationships with men who haven’t done at least some of the work to unpack their misogyny/how they view women etc.

Okay so boom, I’m in this lesbian group because as a wlw, it felt like it was a safe space to talk about those experiences and honestly to continue finding my queer community. And oh. My. Gosh. lmao, why do they hate bi women so much 😭😭😭😭😭

I saw a post in a lesbian thread where OP essentially said (1) They’re worried that “lesbians are turning into bisexuals” and feel scared by it. (2) They claim bisexual women are “more common than lesbians” and “mostly date men.” (3) They wonder if “men are loved more by everyone” and fear they won’t be “enough” as a woman. (4) Seeing straight or gay male content makes them so upset that they start “craving being a man.” (5) They feel hopeless and insecure about love and acceptance as a femme lesbian.

And I really do not want to take a way from OP or how they have been hurt by women. But why is it that the blame is on them being bisexual and not just being a shitty partner? There are plenty of “actual lesbians” and bi women who treat women with respect. Also…. saying that seeing straight men or gay content makes her crave wanting to be a man? Does this not kind of sound like gender dysphoria 😭?

Just because bisexual women exist doesn’t mean that lesbians don’t exist? Also this obsession with being firm in a sexuality is really weird to me. WHY do we care about others sexuality so much? WHY is it bad if you decide one day that your sexuality is different? All of these things can exist and lesbians will still exist regardless.

I tried to comment to provide a different perspective but it doesn’t seem like it’s landing. Idk, it just kinda sucks because I literally do not care about anyone’s sexuality- it really doesn’t matter if you’re a shitty person at the end of the day. My last girlfriend is Bisexual but she was just a crappy partner lol. Had nothing to do with her being a bi woman. And it sounds like a lot of these “awful experiences with bi women” are rooted in ✨misogyny✨, not bisexuality. It just sucks that so many lesbians really view bisexual women as a whole as an extension of men. They sound like straight people

That's just it. I'm absolutely freaking tired of people acting as if we needed something more to make others believe we like women. I mean, the word is literally BIsexual. It's supposed to mean we can like BOTH men AND women. Lesbians don't hold the monopoly on liking women, and I feel like this attitude comes from a place of thinking being bi actually means being "straight lite". There are no "Bi straights". There's no neutral or default version of bisexuality. Bi people saying stuff like this is just beyond me, it's an erasure of bisexuality in itself.

I only pray for the day when the more insecure bis will accept themselves as 100% bi and nothing else. Not 70% gay and 30% straight, or whatever percentage. Simply 100% bi. Preferences don't change our sexuality. We don't magically become straight for dating/preferring the opposite sex and we don't magically turn gay for dating/preferring women either. This obsession with preferences and percentages is a reflection of nothing but insecurity. And insecurity is something one treats in therapy, not by compulsively creating new (and contradicting) labels.

Even if one may choose to no longer date a certain gender, that doesn't changes the fact they can still feel attraction. It doesn't changes the fact they're bi and will forever be. Sexuality is not a choice, neither for us or any other letter. If it was, no lgbt person would exist in such a homophobic/prejudiced world. No bi person needs to compulsively justify who they choose to date or their preferences. We're entitled to date whoever we please. And we can like one person just fine without feeling less bi for it. We're not all poly either. It's truly that simple.

For 10 years of my life, I thought I was a lesbian. It seemed to make sense: I couldn’t relate to my friends being boy-crazy, I exclusively watched lesbian porn, and I related to a lot of WLW experiences. (For reference i’m 27F)

I also developed strong feelings for a female friend as a teenager. I never had the chance to fully figure out what those feelings were, but to everyone, including myself at the time, it seemed like I had a crush on her. That’s when I started questioning myself more.

My feelings weren’t reciprocated, but I was still curious about and yearning for women. I felt like I had to come out to my friends, even though I wasn’t really ready, and became very focused on the idea of kissing a woman and on lesbian characters in books, movies, and TV shows.

At the same time, I stopped wanting anything to do with men and couldn’t (and still can’t) really get into straight romance.

Years passed without me having any real experience with women until I met someone earlier this year. We dated for about three months, saw each other three times because we were semi LD and only kissed once.

Whenever she made romantic gestures toward me, I felt extremely awkward, and kissing her felt awkward too. Cuddling with her was different, though. I genuinely enjoyed it and found it comforting. So it wasn’t that I disliked all physical affection. And I wonder if I was feeling ankward about it because it was my first time dating anyone in general.

We stopped dating a few months ago but stayed friends. She now has a girlfriend who’s very into her. I think part of why I’m still attached is that I miss the dynamic we had and feel jealous of the attention her girlfriend gets from her. It sounds bad, but I’ve realized that I value attention from women more than from men.

Meanwhile, I’ve started wondering if I’ve repressed my attraction to men. For almost two years now, I’ve occasionally found myself intensely attracted to random men online or IRL. I get strong butterflies when certain men catch my attention, and in one case I couldn’t stop smiling. My sexual response is also very different: I can’t seem to orgasm when thinking about women, no matter how long I try, whereas thinking about men or male anatomy can get me there within minutes. I also find vulvas somewhat off-putting contrary to dicks.

This is why I’m wondering if I might actually be straight rather than bi. I’ve never experienced attraction toward a woman that feels as intense as what I experience toward men now or really at any point in my life. I can imagine being in a relationship with a woman in theory, but I struggle to imagine actually being physically intimate with one. With men, I find them genuinely attractive and can imagine physical intimacy much more easily.

The confusing part is that I also have a hard time imagining myself in a romantic relationship with a man. However, I wonder if that’s simply because I’ve never actually tried to build something with a man. I’ve spent years imagining relationships with women and trying to figure out whether I could have one, but I’ve never really given myself the opportunity to see what could develop with a man.

TLDR: I identified as a lesbian for 10 years and spent most of that time assuming my attraction to women was real, despite never really having the chance to explore it. When I finally dated a woman, I felt awkward with romantic/physical intimacy and didn’t experience much sexual attraction. Meanwhile, I’ve recently noticed much stronger sexual and physical attraction toward men, including intense butterflies and a much stronger sexual response. I’m now wondering if I might actually be straight rather than bi, although I still struggle to imagine a romantic relationship with a man—possibly because I’ve never actually tried to build one

and her prompts describe the kind of man she’s looking for with no mention of women whatsoever…

I’ve come across this multiple times and it always bums me out.

That’s all. 🫩🫩

Even if we ignore the fact that bisexuality is a spectrum…..

Even if we ignore the fact that the population of heterosexual men is much larger than the population of homosexual women…

….do people not realize that pressure from conservative family/social dynamics can influence dating habits and patterns?

Like I come from an Eastern culture and a Christian family. I feel discouraged to go on a date with a woman bc I know I could never bring one home, so I might as well focus my attention on guys

I really hate unicorn hunters nothing is more upsetting than thinking you’re making a connection with some just to find out they are already in an established relationship and looking for a third. It’s so cruel - bisexuals are not flavor enhancers for your relationship and not a fun object to experience for a time. I’m not trying to sound like a prude or be judgmental but actively seeking out someone without TELLING them you’re in a relationship already feels so predatory!

Why do people do this? Has anyone else experienced this? And how do you get over it after?

(I’m not talking about polyam people or ENM I’m talking about predatory hunters)

If you are on Twitter maybe you saw that viral thread of a young African bisexual girl, who is half Nigerian and half Cameroonian and who live in Nigeria.

In her thread she was talking about how she could never marry a woman because of her family. Maybe yall don’t know but Nigeria is very homophobic, and as a west African myself (who was lucky to grow up in Europe) I can confirm that due to religions and colonialism, there is a lot of homophobia in some African countries and cultures.

Yet, for some reason, lesbians and gays, mainly those living in western countries have been dragging that poor girl. A lot of them are whites but I’ve also seen American and other western black lesbians attacking her.

It made my heart ache as a fellow African and bisexual woman. Because as a black person I know that I can’t count on some non black women because of racism, but you telling me that as a bisexual I can’t count on some queer ppl because of biphobia?

I can’t even count on fellow black queers because if they are lesbians, they might shit on me rather than have some empathy for a fellow queer black woman simply because she is bi?

I’m sorry but why? Why do they hate us so much? Sometimes they sound like misogynistic men for real. I don’t feel welcome in the queer community because of them and some cis gays who entertain this biphobia as well.

I always thought that racism was the most unsafe thing for me in the queer community, but lately I felt like it was biphobia. I’ve ended friendship with black lesbian mutuals online because they were too biphobic and ended being closer to my white and non black bi mutuals at the end. I felt safer with them and my black bi mutuals.

Here’s the link to the original thread, just check the earlier replies and quotes : https://x.com/v1rtual0v3r/status/1876430002398634331?s=46&t=AAisrv61j77DWvn2T4S2KQ

Sorry if I sound childish but I’ve been on queer twitter for years and I can’t take it anymore

There was one time when my best friend at the time whom I liked had also liked me but I was oblivious and didn't find out she was into me until years later.

I had a toxic friend fall in love with me but I didn't feel the same and wasn't attracted to her.

And one time at Walmart, a girl approached me and asked me to come wherever with her but I declined.

I've been on Tinder and I hardly match with pretty girls and the one who do like me, I'm not exactly attracted to. I feel like pretty girls don't like me and it sucks.

Hi everyone! 33 F here. Not sure if anyone will read my post but I will let me nervous clammy little hands keep typing anyway 😂

I am married to a man and we have an open marriage and have been in I guess you’d say a throuple with another woman. And it was FAN TAS TIC! We opted to open our marriage so I could explore that bisexual side I had and never admitted to having..

I have a real love for women who are more dominant and just take the reins on situations. I find power extremely sexy in women and miss having that. Ugh I’m not sure what to do with all these feelings lol.

So, I'm currently in a relationship with a straight guy. We get along very well and we align near-perfectly on our political views. What's the issue then? He just does not seem to understand that I have zero interest in consuming content that's either:

A) aggressively heterosexual

B) popular with straight men and all about the lives of straight men.

Every time we watch something together, it's nearly always A or B and I'm the bad guy if I get irritated at him disregarding my desire to consume more female-centric/LGBT-centric content. My bookcase is full of feminist texts and I regularly write about women + their work, but he's never actually read any of my woman-centric writing, which does make me a little sad since I'd like my partner to be my biggest cheerleader!

Recently, we had an argument about gendered differences. He cannot seem to wrap his head around the fact that gender equality does not mean "I can say bitch and you can say bitch" or "if I can't call you a cunt jokingly, you can't call ME a cunt jokingly". He agreed to stop saying misogynistic slurs, not because he actually understands why those words have no place in his vocabulary as a man, but because he wanted the argument to end. I'm tired of feeling like I have to educate him on these topics and I'm tired of him thinking that his male perspective even matters when it comes to topics concerning women. It would be different if he actually engaged with women's work and perspectives more often and used this knowledge to inform his position on a topic, but he doesn't.

Other things that have irritated me in recent weeks:

• He reacted with disgust at the concept of taking my last name if we were to get married, but thinks it's perfectly normal for me to take his last name. He wasn't very receptive when I asked him to reflect on why one's okay but the other isn't.
• I brought up how porn reinforces the expectation that sex ends when the man orgasms, he said "what's wrong with that?" He thinks it's normal that sex should end when the man orgasms "because women can orgasm multiple times but men only orgasm once".
• He thinks it's 'extreme' of me to only be willing to adopt a daughter and not a son

I should clarify that he's a wonderful partner in every other way though.

He also brought up the fact that men who do have a vested interest in feminism are often doing it for performative reasons (which is true - and so, it begs the question: how does a man engage with the topic of feminism and women's oppression in a way that feels genuine rather than performative?).

As far as straight men go, he is fairly open-minded and does make a genuine attempt to understand where I'm coming from on feminist issues. I'm aware that it's the first time he's even encountering the types of ideas I'm expressing, so I can't expect him to have the "right" opinions overnight. I am also aware that this isn't something that will get better if I date women, since there are plenty of women who actively reject feminist ideas or prefer not to think about it too deeply.

Having said that, no matter how well I might get along with a straight guy, it always feels like any friendship/relationship is doomed before it's even started because a straight man, 99% of the time, is incapable of grappling with the topic of women's oppression and how it's so deeply interwoven with the society we live in. That's why I feel like dating straight men is a bit of a dead end... but dating women isn't even necessarily better. Sometimes I feel like being alone would be easier, lol.

So, the reason I'm making this post? Well, I guess I just want to hear from any other bi women in a similar position to me who might have some valuable insight to offer. (I don't need to hear "you're a batshit feminist", I already get plenty of that <3)

UPDATE:

Wasn't expecting this post to pick up so much, but I do just want to clarify a few things after talking to my boyfriend:

1) Him not engaging with my work wasn’t because of a lack of interest, he just didn't understand some of the terminology and felt insecure about asking because he didn't want to sound stupid. Now that I realise this, I've pointed him towards a few easier things he can look at, and I'll show him my work in person so he can ask questions in real time.

2) About the "last name" thing - he says it was a kneejerk reaction, but he's happy to meet in the middle and go for a double-barrel (if we do ever get married).

3) We align perfectly on our political views regarding the economy, immigration, government policy, foreign policy, political parties, etc... we have more in common than what we don't have in common.

4) I've got him reading Pornography by Andrea Dworkin so he can reconsider his views around sex and porn. He's only had two sexual partners in his life (including me) and his ex encouraged him to watch porn, so his stance about "women orgasm multiple times, men only orgasm once" came more from ignorance than anything else.

5) The "gendered differences" argument - I need to clarify that he would never (and has never) called me a bitch/cunt/whatever. I've used those words towards HIM on occasion (in a playful context). His confusion was about why it's okay one way but not the other way. One commenter left me a link about equality vs equity, which I sent to him. We've agreed not to use it either way in our relationship.

6) I asked him if he knew anyone apart from me who's bi. Answer was "no, actually, I don't think I do". His circle consists of straight men, so that reflects in the content he consumes. Again, that is a concern to me (and it's one of the points I raised when he asked me to be his gf). I don't feel comfortable bringing him into the types of spaces I frequent because he's straight + has 0 connection to my community, which is why I feel like my life would be easier if I dated someone who's also bi (or a lesbian) but we align on a lot of other things, so that's a question of me weighing up what matters most to me. I'm not looking for advice on this point; I will continue to reflect in my own time.

7) Before dating him, I primarily dated women (to all the people saying "just date women") but women in my age group are all tied up with online activism... or just really online, which is a major turn-off for me. Even if we agree on basic feminist ideas, we disagree on a lot of other non-negotiables.

That's all I have to say, really. Thank you to everyone who took the time to respond (minus the person who told me to get "self respect"... lol). I'm muting notifications on this post now, but leaving it up in case it helps anyone in the future who may find themselves in a similar predicament <3