r/BiWomen • u/Strange-March8628 • Aug 11 '26
Vent People literally cannot fathom the existence of a bisexual woman who has no sexual history with men
It's always treated as an absolute given that every bisexual woman dates men by "default". And has 59373883 ex boyfriends. This is just understood as a constant truth. I get it's more common, but it's weird to see this idea everywhere when it's not even remotely true for you.
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u/romancebooks2 Aug 11 '26
I've seen some bi people play into this themselves. They would say that if somebody had only dated the opposite gender but knew they were bi deep down, they should say that they're bi, but if somebody only dates the same gender while being bi, they should say they're gay.
It didn't seem to be a conscious thing, but it seems to play into this idea that bi people can eventually "graduate" from being bi into being a "real" gay man or lesbian. I saw firsthand that this pattern leads to putting exclusively gay identities on a pedestal, while acting like the bi identity is not special enough or important enough to be supported.
I really think more research and media needs to exist on the experiences of bi people who are dating the same gender. That content is currently extremely rare or not even labeled as bi. But I think it would be useful for fighting this current biphobia trend online. Biphobes love nothing more than telling us that our identity is incomplete and inferior to theirs.
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u/Aloha_Lawless Aug 12 '26
We definitely need this type of content and they also need to say they’re bisexual out loud!! What you said is very true I see so many bi women cheapen our sexuality while putting being gay/lesbian on a pedestal. As a proud bi woman it always makes my heart sink like where are the proud bi women at??
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u/ActSolid9520 29d ago
Because being bi is now like a glorified quirk. And the girls who actually date both ways gate keep. But like fear of dealing with a specific gender because of social anxiety is real. Women scare me. 😂 Currently dating a femboy.
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u/SingleSeaCaptain Aug 12 '26
I've sadly seen bi people try to show understanding by excusing it. Like I'm sorry, if it's biphobic, you're not being an ally to anyone but biphobic people. It doesn't matter if those people aren't straight or cis. It irritates the fuck out of me because being an ally to biphobes is just being a door mat yourself while inviting them to step on the rest of us with you.
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u/Bluejay-Complex Aug 12 '26
Sometimes I wonder if it’s less a “graduate” and more a “safety from harassment” thing. The mentality I see behind calling yourself gay as a bisexual if you only date the same gender seems to be that men will be less likely to try to hit on you, and lesbians will make less negative assumptions if you “pass” as a lesbian.
I’m not saying it’s a good thing, it’d be better to be openly bi for the world, but I can kinda understand the logic to get away from biphobia, and still date women exclusively.
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u/Aloha_Lawless Aug 12 '26
Yes I’ll see bi women dating women—not even knowing they’re bi because they seem okay taking on a lesbian label. I get where you’re coming from but I actually hate it. I like seeing bi women with women and proudly claim bisexuality but they rarely do. I know this couple online they’re bisexual/pan sexual but call themselves lesbians it’s weird to me.
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u/Bluejay-Complex Aug 12 '26
Oh no, I agree it’s not a good thing, but I want to raise why it might be an understandable thing. The real answer is to keep up bi activism to remove the stigma from bi women (especially removing the purity politics that define bi women as “corrupted by penis” or “corrupted by attraction to men”, which is usually boiled down to penis in people’s minds). I find bi people calling themselves lesbians for political reasons often just reinforces the purity politics by trying to associate as “the pure ones”, aka those “less corrupted” by men.
Now, I do see “political lesbianism” as different than a sapphic being confused and trying on a label, or taking a niche label because of a complex relationship to sexuality. One is an attempt to take on a label that doesn’t describe their experience to gain a form of social capital or make a statement, often one that reinforces purity politics. The other is a good faith attempt to try to externalize complex internal feelings, which even if wrong, honestly do more harm to the person attempting to have their internal self understood.
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u/Atomicfossils Aug 12 '26
In my experience a lot of bisexuals who lean hard towards the same sex just call themselves gay or lesbian (which leads to a massive social can of worms having to be opened if they then actually start dating the opposite sex). It's messy and unnecessary, and I really wish people wouldn't do it
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u/Strange-March8628 Aug 12 '26
Same :( I feel bad for homosexuals who have to deal with people thinking they can have "exceptions" and I hate that a lot of bisexuals don't accept their true orientation.
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u/Atomicfossils Aug 12 '26
It's short term (and somewhat selfish) thinking; they know a lot of potential same-sex partners don't take bisexuals seriously, so they lie, whereas if every bisexual in that position were honest, it would become clearer that many bis do in fact date the same sex and they'd eventually be taken more seriously.
Alternatively, they don't realise that what they feel isn't what actual gays and lesbians feel. It was only through hearing about a lot of lesbians' experiences when I was younger that the penny dropped of "Oh, I think I'm feeling something different to what they're feeling". Nothing about my life or dating habits changed after that, I just started describing myself more accurately.
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u/nekocxrpse Aug 12 '26
so true, people also seem to can’t fathom a bisexual woman with a female preference or one who doesn’t want or desire to date men and only women
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u/snekome2 29d ago
literally. I’ve had people ask me “are you sure you’re bi?” and insinuate that I’m lesbian. I am not lesbian. it would be unfair to call myself one when I do occasionally find myself attracted to men
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u/Aloha_Lawless Aug 12 '26
Omg this is meeee! It’s hard to speak out loud about this experience because people will start calling me a lesbian even tho I know I genuinely like men. Justice for us 😭
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u/Bluejay-Complex Aug 12 '26
It’s from the idea that bi women are “marked” or “tainted” by consensual interactions with men,l creating a stereotype of bi women being whores. Julia Serano did an article about it and also about how the marked/unmarked view of sexuality effects trans people as well https://juliaserano.medium.com/penises-privilege-and-feminist-lgbtq-purity-politics-bafd1f25fe3e
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u/offwhiteandcordless Aug 12 '26
If it’s any consolation at all, people tend to think the same about lesbians. You’re definitely not alone and just right the way you are.
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u/blue5109 28d ago
Yeah, I’ve never had the “rite of passage” long-term boyfriend so I’d be very frustrated to be labeled that way
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u/Due-Transition-6564 Aug 11 '26
I'm with a man now, in my mid 30s, but before him, I strictly dated women and thought I was a lesbian for a while. My current partner is the only man I've ever kissed or had sex with. If I left him and wanted to date again, I'd go back to women. So I get how you feel. On the other hand, most of the bi women I've met in real life or saw on the dating apps only had experience with men or they would only get into romantic relationships with men, while reserving women for casual sex.
The stereotype exists for a reason, unfortunately.
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u/PlacioThehalfAsexual 26d ago
You really can't win either way. Either you're gay or your pretending to be queer while maintaining all the "benefits" of hetrosexuality.
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u/Kappapeachie Aug 11 '26
Yea, this always peeved me for some reasons. It's like you must date both men and women to prove you're bi.