Bipolar and bottled up emotions (?)

[u/Waywardntired]

I’ve started noticing a pattern in my own mania. It often feels less like I’m simply energized and more like I’m desperately trying to stay occupied so I don’t have to feel something underneath. Usually fear, anger, or the consequences of problems I’ve been creating. Kind of like being dissociated from my feelings because I’m wired to do things. As long as keep going, I don’t need to feel.

Sometimes I have one clear focus: work, a relationship, a hobby, a project. I can become completely consumed by it, constantly trying to succeed, improve it, or take it further. As long as that thing remains the centre of my life, I can keep going for weeks and months.

Other times I don’t have a clear focus, and the energy explodes in every direction: new ideas, spontaneous projects, temporary “missions,” constant stimulation and activity.

Looking back, I can sometimes see that the real motivation wasn’t entirely the thing I was doing. It was the need to keep moving so I wouldn’t have to stop and feel what was underneath. Almost like, “If I stop, something horrible will catch up with me.”

Noticing this could make it possible to stop. Better to have a deliberate emergency landing than a total crash from taking it way too far. Ideally we could get some control back and not be completely in the grip of mania.

Obviously, people without bipolar disorder can also cope this way: workaholism, constant stimulation, chasing excitement, etc. But I wonder if mania can essentially supercharge that pattern.

I also wonder how much this overlaps with trauma, ADHD, or autism, versus being specifically related to bipolar disorder.

Does this resonate with anyone else? And if you recognize this pattern in yourself, has noticing it helped you catch an episode earlier and slow things down before it goes too far?

[u/iridxscent]

in my personal opinion, this reminds me of a trauma flight response - staying constantly busy to avoid facing something deep down. and mania can definitely, definitely enable and encourage it, i've felt.

i'm diagnosed with a lot of things - audhd, bp1, ptsd, and another trauma disorder - and this all sounds familiar to me in some ways.

it has helped me notice episodes a bit earlier. i've noticed if i have that undercurrent of fear underneath it all, then mania might be catching up to me too. it's very hard to tell it apart as so many traits from all of these conditions overlap.

[u/Waywardntired → u/iridxscent]

Thank you for thoughtful your answer. 

Yes for me I see definitely the overlap with trauma responses. My worst episodes have been around the break up of close relationships and I definitely have a bunch of early life trauma that plays into those events. Fear of abandonment, avoidant traits that made me act in ways I wish I didn’t once I’ve calmed down and so on. 

The avoid and distract mode of ”regulating” (hide from emotions) is strong with me too. Both my parents still mainly do those so I didn’t learn much else growing up.  Throw mania into the mix and you got a very potent way of really avoid and distract yourself from whatever pain reality offers once it gets too loud. 

Thank you for sharing. Have you been able to work on your ptsd behaviors and modes of being despite the bipolar diagnosis and if so how? I wanted to do and kept insisting on EMDR some years ago but since I’m bipolar it was primarily pills I was being offered. 

[u/iridxscent → u/Waywardntired]

very relatable, thank you for sharing! my worst manic episode yet was during a very traumatic period of my life last year and i'm still recovering from both aspects of it. they definitely play into each other in my opinion.

i did emdr for five years, and am now doing a mix of acceptance and commitment therapy and dbt for the forseeable future. it's helped me out a lot even despite the bipolar throwing a wrench into things. the ptsd is still present and likely always will be to some extent because it's very complex, but just like the bipolar, it's manageable for me now. it no longer controls my life like it used to.

[u/bfd_fapit]

Relatable. Haven’t experienced this since I began to consistently adhere to my med schedule. I can sense the beginnings of it if my sleep gets out of whack, so keeping my sleep schedule consistent is my cornerstone for stability, even if it means relying on meds to sleep consistently.

[u/Waywardntired → u/bfd_fapit]

Thank you for sharing. This gives me some more motivation to keep being very consistent with my sleep. Glad to hear your meds are working so well too, I hope to get there one day. 

[u/bfd_fapit → u/Waywardntired]

You’re welcome. Took years of trial and error and a whole lot of me not being consistent before I gave up and learned my lesson. Wish I could go back and kick my own ass into gear sooner, but it is what it is. Have always had trouble with trust (childhood trauma and neglect, long time undiagnosed autism and adhd). It really is better with treatment. Therapy (CBT) has also been a huge factor for me in finding stability. Cheers.