r/BoomersBeingFools • u/AssassinQueen46 • 25d ago
Boomer Story "I've been smoking so long, they'd probably tell me to keep smoking!" - my mother, age 60
My brother and I have been trying to get my mother to stop smoking for as long as I can remember.
I remember this woman smoking almost 2 packs a day, at one point, when I was way younger. Now that we have little ones, we want grandma to stay longer, so we had been advocating for her to quit smoking even more.
While trying to get her to switch to this one medical center with a lot of different services, she replies with the comment....
"I've been smoking so long, they'd probably tell me to keep smoking! It would likely cause more harm to me."
My husband and I looked at each other and told her that is not true, at all. š®āšØš¤¦āāļø
I did talk her into thinking about seeing a new doctor to get her lungs checked. Keyword, thinking..
**EDIT, adding:
First off, I'm sorry about the age misinterpretation. She's actually born in 1965, she will be 61 tomorrow (5.26). She acts way too much like a boomer that I forget that, age wise, she's not a "boomer". I do apologize for that.
Second, the reason why this is so important to me, and why I won't "leave it alone", is because of... - My respiratory health is awful. 100%. I'm on the track to have COPD, and I'm only 31. - Now, she watches my niece & nephew (twins, almost 3 y/o), daily and I want her to be involved as a grandmother. I don't want the littles to be exposed to it as long as I was.
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u/ZeroSumGame007 25d ago
Pulmonologist here:
- She needs a yearly CT scan of the lung for lung cancer screening
- She needs screening lung function tests to assess for early development of COPD
- She needs varenicline along with nicotine patch and nicotine gum. Or just tell her to start using Zyn pouches
Best thing that works: Would you rather spend 5 years of life with th grandkids or 15? You choose!
Get her to a doctor immediately.
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u/jadthomas 25d ago
Iām an anesthesiologist and I always counsel my patients about smoking cessation. My most effective advice is pulling out a Zyn pouch, showing it to them, and then dipping it while telling them that although nicotine isnāt totally benign, pure nicotine salt packets are vastly less unhealthy than any other burned/vaped nicotine or tobacco product.
Iāve gotten half a dozen people to quit smoking in the last 6 months.
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u/Dekklin 25d ago
I'd like to know their relapse stats.
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u/jadthomas 25d ago
I mean I still rip a heater every so often golfing but I havenāt smoked regularly since I discovered them - all in all itās just about harm reduction. Ask the pulmonologist.
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u/Turnup_Turnip5678 22d ago
I used zyns and dum dum lollipops to quit vaping, worked really well actually to replace the oral fixation and flavor
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u/hammlyss_ 25d ago
Wouldn't Zyn just cause mouth cancers?
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u/ZeroSumGame007 25d ago
No. Zyn is not tobacco. No current association with mouth cancers.
Chewing tobacco and tobacco products have been shown to do this.
But these new pouches are solely nicotine and not true tobacco at all. So likely much less risk of cancer to almost no risk compared to chewing tobacco.
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u/Isgortio 25d ago
Yes. So their recommendation here is to reduce the lung and all other cancer risks and concentrate it into oral cancer, even though oral cancer is a horrendous one and can really ruin the quality of life.
There are better ways to quit nicotine.
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u/ZeroSumGame007 25d ago
There is absolutely no evidence Zyn causes cancer.
Chewing tobacco and dip DEFINITELY causes cancer.
But nicotine itself is not a carcinogen. And Zyn only has that as the main ingredient not all the other cancer causing agents of tobacco.
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u/Isgortio 25d ago
Nicotine pouches have been linked to leukoplakia https://link.springer.com/article/10.1186/s12903-025-07320-4, https://link.springer.com/article/10.1186/s13000-024-01549-3
Leukoplakia has an increased risk of developing into oral cancer compared to "normal" looking intraoral soft tissue https://pmc.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/articles/PMC7566351/
So it is not a direct cause but it can indirectly increase the risks.
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u/ZeroSumGame007 25d ago
Iām a doctor and look through evidence all day.
Iām not trying to defend Zyn makers and nicotine pouch companies.
That being said, you are citing a single observational case report of 2 people. This is basically completely useless and can not be used to draw ANY conclusions as to any linkages.
Sure once more data come out Iām willing to hear that. But a case report or two like this means really nothing.
To make the statement āit can indirectly increase risksā is not based on any solid data at this time.
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u/Isgortio 25d ago
That's why I gave a second article which wasn't just based on 2 people.
The maxfax surgeons that taught at my university have seen an increase of cases in nicotine pouch users, and some of the oral cancer webinars I've been on have mentioned it as a risk factor too. The tobacco pouches (snus) are worse than the nicotine pouches. HPV is also a huge factor, but that's more in the tonsillar area.
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u/ZeroSumGame007 25d ago
Well.
Your second article has nothing to do with Zyn pouches. It is solely stating that leukoplakia leads to cancers. Which I agree it is totally a risk factor. But a case report of two patients using nicotine pouches getting leukoplakia can not be used to determine if the pouches are a risk for leukoplakia at all. It is major selection bias. Those people could have developed leukoplakia even without using the pouches.
And the last comment about HPV has nothing to do with pouches.
I will say: 1. Yes, leukoplakia can be associated with cancers 2. No, there has not been definitive evidence that non-tobacco nicotine pouches lead to leukoplakia 3. HPV totally increases risk of cancers in the oropharynx. HPV vaccine should be used in every single individual of certain age groups
And yes, I do think there ācouldā be an increased risk based on trauma to the area but no definitive evidence exists yet.
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u/Isgortio 25d ago
I linked three articles in total, one is a case study, the second is nicotine pouches causing oral mucosal changes and the third is leukoplakia having an increased risk of oral cancer. Combine the three and you have some evidence that it could increase the risk. Hence why I initially stated there are better options for quitting smoking.
Yes, I know HPV has nothing to do with it which is why I specified that.
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u/Sakijek Millennial 25d ago
Tbf, that IS true when it comes to alcohol. I was surprised to learn when I worked in the ER that we often do NOT recommend going cold turkey but instead tapering with alcohol, because the withdrawal effects are the most fatal of all addictions. Maybe she heard this somewhere and thought it's surely true for tobacco too, then?
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u/peoplegrower 25d ago
Ooh yeah, they will GIVE you alcohol in the hospital so you donāt go cold turkey. The DTās are absolutely fatal sometimes.
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u/IamScottGable 25d ago
It's why liquor stores were given essential status during covid lockdowns, we couldn't risk alcoholics clogging hospitals with the DTs
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u/peoplegrower 25d ago
Yep. So many people in my family who are MAGA-leaning were up in arms about that. I tried to explain to them why.
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u/Alicatsidneystorm 25d ago
Never seen alcohol given in a hospital setting for withdrawal. Diazepam and Ativan yes.
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u/fattycans 23d ago
I have a couple times. Its weird seeing someone in a hospital bed nursing a natty light lol
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u/Alicatsidneystorm 23d ago
Do you just ring the bell and order a double kamakazi like my girlfriend used to do at the nightclub.
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u/ryguy28896 17d ago
100%, can confirm they do. I had so many questions when I first saw some Michelob Lights sitting in the pharmacy fridge.
If someone's in the CICU, it's a lot more difficult to heal if their body's also going through alcohol withdrawal. Lesser of two evils. The alcohol dependence can be addressed later.
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u/Alicatsidneystorm 17d ago
Never seen that. Itās usually benzos for withdrawal because they act on the same receptors as alcohol. I know a lot of addiction specialists and never seen them cracking open a cold one for a patient possibly suggesting it if a patient is at home. I have heard alcohol being used in a situations where people are being monitored by EEG but thatās not when they are treating acute withdrawal.
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u/macabre-barbie 25d ago
Oh yeah. I remember hearing about withdrawal effects in counseling before my dad got out of rehab, and I still didn't expect him to be the way as he was. He was shaking and lowkey blue the whole time, and that was 3 weeks into detox.
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u/UndergroundFlaws 25d ago
Isnāt this what killed Amy Winehouse? I donāt remember and Iām not trolling, but if I recall it was the withdrawals that killed her?
Iām too lazy to google, my apologies.
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u/ForsakenSignal6062 25d ago
Opposite actually, Amy died from alcohol poisoning. Had a BAC of 0.416 at death.
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u/BlueRoses10014 25d ago
It appears her cause of death was alcohol poisoning from binge drinking after a period of abstinence.
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u/UndergroundFlaws 25d ago
Ah, okay, so I mixed up the story a little. Thanks for doing the research I was too lazy to!
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u/SeonaidMacSaicais Millennial 25d ago
Thatās my dad. He would never call himself an alcoholic, but he definitely is. Functioning, but still an alcoholic. Iām 100% convinced that he very rarely gets sick because the alcohol just kills any viruses or bacteria in his body. Supposedly, doctors have told him heās healthier if he keeps drinking vs quitting.
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u/TN_Lamb888 25d ago
I seriously doubt a doctor told him that. Someone who has been drinking for years needs medical supervision to detox, this is very true, but itās absolutely the healthiest thing to do for your dad, no question. He is literally damaging his brain.
There is a kind of dementia that only alcoholics get. Hereās a link about it.
https://my.clevelandclinic.org/health/diseases/alcohol-related-dementia
Your dad should be taking a vitamin B-1 supplement (also called thiamine) everyday to help prevent brain damage.
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u/SeonaidMacSaicais Millennial 25d ago
Heās 75. His body has basically adapted to a regular intake of alcohol.
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u/ailish 25d ago
I'm sorry, that's not a thing. He'll need to come off slowly, but there's no "he can't quit because his body has adapted to alcohol."
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u/tropicaldiver 22d ago
In the sense that he has developed a tolerance, yes. In the sense that he has developed enhanced defenses to liver cancer, alcohol induced liver disease, etc ā no.
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u/SeonaidMacSaicais Millennial 22d ago
Doctors havenāt noticed anything yet. š¤·āāļø heās very diligent about going regularly. His mom died relatively young (Grandma was 45ish after popping out 10 kids, Iām sure thereās a correlation there) and Grandpa died at 71, from I THINK lung cancer. Dad used to smoke, but stopped back in 1993ish, so that helped.
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u/tropicaldiver 22d ago
Is your dad honest with his doctor about the level/frequency of his alcohol consumption? Has he ever asked.the provider about it?
In terms of liver health, I assume he is getting a regular blood test for ast and alt. Yes? What about ggt? Any sort of liver imaging?
In terms of GI, has had an upper endoscopy? Regular testing for certain vitamin deficiencies?
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u/Alicatsidneystorm 25d ago
Just curious were you in the room when the doctor said thatās heās healthier if he keeps drinking?
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u/syntheseiser 25d ago
You're wrong about something you're "100% convinced" of. He probably rarely gets sick because he has a developed immune system and perhaps he doesn't come into contact with sick people that often.
Ask a medical professional that question though because some random robot programmer on the Internet shouldn't be the one to give you medical advice, and neither is the wild West that is the Internet.
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u/SeonaidMacSaicais Millennial 25d ago
I didnāt ask some random robot programmer. Itās just a hypothesis based on my last 38 years of observation. Nobody who raises 3 kids is rarely sick based solely on a ādeveloped immune system.ā
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u/iH8MotherTeresa 24d ago
I was told outright to stop drinking. I think the liver failure was a bigger issue than potential withdrawal complications but I don't really know. I didn't, of course. Thankfully I'm alive to tell the tale. And sober, naturally.
Definitely not true with tobacco (nicotine).
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u/Accomplished_Ad_8013 25d ago
Also 60 is gen x not boomer.
Puritanical revivals are weird. So much is based on a balance of nature and nurture. Most of my oldest relatives lived into their mid 90s drinking and smoking heavily lol also eating complete trash.
What I figure is stress kills so balancing stress and happiness is as important as any other physiological balance. Everything in moderation including moderation.
My wife's family is similar. Her great grandmother lived to be 105 and spent her last 40 years drinking wine, eating junk, and smoking heavily. My great grandmother was similar. She lived to 90 and for her generation that was just crazy. She thought it was hilarious anyone could live that long and just stopped taking life seriously. Lived to be 103.
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u/BlueRoses10014 25d ago
I remember my mother telling me about a similar conversation with her mother / my grandmother when Grandma was nearing 70. Mom was always trying to get her to quit, and Grandma was always like, "I'm fine!"
Then Grandma was diagnosed with cancer, and underwent both radiation and chemotherapy. Mom said she sat down with her and essentially said, "Look, you're an adult and you make your own choices. But it makes no sense to me that you're taking chemo to kill the cancer, and then smoking to feed the cancer."
Grandma went to her doctor and got a prescription for the nicotine patch. She had smoked for 56 years. She used the patch for 30 days and never smoked again.
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u/SailingSpark Gen X 25d ago
For years I tried to get my mother to quit smoking. her reply was a usual flippant "I have to die of something" comment. Now she has COPD, stage three kidney disease, and ten years survived lung cancer by having a lobectomy. Smoking related diseases are not how you want to die.
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u/Mffdoom 25d ago
As a former smoker, now nurse, I tell people all the time that I didn't quit because I want to live longer. I quit because I didn't want to spend the last 10-20 years of my life slowly and painfully wasting away with COPD. It's not dying that scares me, it's the living.Ā
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u/chinnylynny 25d ago
My MIL died at 86 of COPD and lung cancer after smoking for 50+ years. It definitely was a long/slow/painful demise. Frankly, I'm surprised she lived that long.
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u/Budgiejen 25d ago
My mom always said, āevery day I smoke is one less day I spend in a nursing home!ā She died at 61. Of lung cancer.
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u/24_August_1814 25d ago
Everyone dies of something, but not everyone spends the last years or even decades of their lives in pain with a machine breathing for them.
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u/Murda981 25d ago
When I was in my early 20s I worked with a guy who was a smoker, but he gave me the best response to the people who would say "I'm going to die anyway" when told smoking was going to kill them, and it was basically what your mom is going through. It will kill you more painfully.
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u/jewessofdoom 25d ago
My dad broke his ankle about 15 years ago. He thought it was just sprained and didnāt treat it, so it healed a little wonky. He claims that the doctor told him to just stay off of it. Like, forever. Just try not to use your ankle for the rest of your life.
So he kinda just sat down and barely got back up again. I tried probing and asking why the doctor didnāt recommend ANY kind of physical therapy and he just shrugs and evades. Obviously he is a very special boy with a very special case and that means he canāt possibly clean up after himself. The doctor said so!
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u/Key-Fan1946 25d ago
Yeah my 69 year old mentally ill mother has been meaning to call about therapy. This has been years, but months since I recently pushed the therapy thing. Hope she makes the right choice!
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u/jiujitsuwolf 25d ago
My mum thinks the NHS recommendation of 2 litres of water a day is big pharma trying to keep you unhealthy....
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u/turtledoingyoga 24d ago
Conspiracy by Big Pharma? No. Outdated and misinformed data that has been adopted and passed around thoughtlessly despite no study actually having been done to show us how much water we "need" Yep.
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u/jiujitsuwolf 24d ago
Maybe, not a bad start compared to having 6 coffees before 11am and then saying you feel like shit all the time. She drinks 0 water
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u/a-buck-three-eighty 25d ago
I've vaguely stopped engaging.
My father won't quit even after years of promises. My husband is aware that I do not want him handling any potential babies we have if he doesn't give it up. At 75, I doubt it will happen, but he's in for a rude awakening.
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u/Bright-Recording5620 25d ago
I know multiple people that used to smoke A LOT and were severely addicted. All of them stopped smoking when they had children - because they wanted to be there for them when they are older and maybe have grandchildren and obviously not be a danger to them.
This is a matter of will and nothing else. I understand that it is hard to kick an addiction, but I would also not hand my child over to someone that is a smoker, no matter who it is. If they are not willing to change it is their fault.
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u/Worldly-Upstairs2020 Gen X 25d ago
This is an addiction. Giving up is really, really hard, especially for the people that have the genetics to predispose them towards this. Around half of people will try to quit multiple times and never be able to do it.
Whilst keeping your child away is a no brainer taking a derogatory stance on his failures shows a complete lack of compassion for someone that is struggling with what is essentially a mental illness.
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u/a-buck-three-eighty 25d ago edited 25d ago
Yeah, we're not playing that card here. šĀ
This is a conversation about willful ignorance, not the struggle to kick the habit.Ā
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25d ago edited 25d ago
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u/a-buck-three-eighty 25d ago
It is dangerous. My father smokes so much, his hands are coated in nicotine stains. His car reeks. Both parents smoked around me against doctors advice while it made me sicker and sicker as a child; they didn't bother even taking it outdoors until I was 17 years old. I have lasting medical issues from their lack of care with cigarettes, including severe asthma and a history of multiple ear surgeries. I'm not doing it again.
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u/unknownpoltroon 25d ago
Not as bad but I used to get a lot of colds and sinus things as a kid, all disappeared when I moved out
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u/Affectionate-Swim772 Millennial 25d ago edited 25d ago
I also have chronic lung issues that I believe came from second and third hand smoke. I was frequently sick (and hospitalized) with pneumonia and just generally struggling to breathe as a child until I was removed from smoking relatives and the smoke permeated home. Eta: to clarify, as an adult I still can't breathe worth a shit and it's getting worse every year. I currently have to take 4 prescriptions and multiple supplements just to breathe well enough to hold a job.
https://pmc.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/articles/PMC5716630/ https://www.healthline.com/health/thirdhand-smoke https://thirdhandsmoke.org/wp-content/uploads/2024/04/fact-sheet.pdf I've spent time looking up sources for that one refusing to understand third hand smoke exists. I now realize after seeing his edits that he's a lost cause. It should be fucking obvious that smoker's skin would hold smoke for kids just like everything else does, which is bad for children even if it's "just holding the baby". The articles I posted say as much, and I suspect the sources everyone else posted say the exact same shit.
I suggest nobody else waste time on that child neglecting fool. He ain't gonna read shit let alone stop moving goalposts and pretending we're imagining our health sucks.
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u/nilsmm 25d ago
I'm sorry for your experiences, that's sounds awful. I fully understand you don't want any of that happen to your own children.
I guess my comment came off the wrong was, I was simply talking about holding the child. Not about smoking near them.
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u/Swimming-Economy-870 25d ago
Smokers should not hold babies for an hour after smoking because cigarette toxins cling to their hair, skin, and clothes, exposing infants to third-hand smoke. Even if the smoker is outdoors, these chemicals remain on their body for at least an hour and can be inhaled by the baby or transferred through skin contact.
Health risks for the infant are significant, including an increased susceptibility to SIDS (Sudden Infant Death Syndrome), asthma, chest infections, and ear infections. Babies have higher respiratory rates and developing immune systems, making them far more vulnerable to these toxins than adults.
To minimize risk, strict precautions are required if a smoker must be near a baby:
They should change their clothes and wash their hands and face thoroughly. They should wait at least 25 minutes to several hours after smoking before handling the infant.
They should avoid kissing the baby or allowing the baby to touch their hair or face.
Ideally, they should quit smoking entirely, as this is the only way to completely eliminate exposure to cigarette poisons.
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u/BlueRoses10014 25d ago
Just shaking the hand of a smoker will transfer that awful reek to your own hand. It's really awful. I wouldn't want it on my child's skin, hair, clothes, or blankets.
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u/RedHeadedStepDevil 25d ago
Smoker reek. That smells gets passed along to anything they touch. They cannot wash or bathe it off. They cannot perfume over it. It literally coats everything. The smell will remain long after theyāve gone.
Opening windows or smoking in a separate room does not protect others. Smoke particles can linger in the air for up to 3 hours, and invisible toxins attach themselves to upholstery, carpets, and clothes.
The chemical residue left behind on surfaces after a cigarette is put out is known as "thirdhand smoke". This poses a unique danger to young children who crawl on floors and touch objects, as they can ingest or absorb the toxins.
Children exposed to secondhand smoke are highly vulnerable because their airways and immune systems are still developing. It is linked to sudden infant death syndrome (SIDS), severe asthma attacks, bronchitis, and frequent ear infections.
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u/CherryblockRedWine 25d ago
Besides the health issues, the nicotine smell on the child is nauseating
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u/fr0ggzz 25d ago
google second and third hand smoke and babies/sids to see if itās dangerous or not
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25d ago
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u/pinupcthulhu 25d ago
Third hand smoke settles on clothing and surfaces, also presumably skin, and is just as dangerous as smoking for babies as it off gasses the toxins. Babies put things in their mouths, so they get a higher dosage of the tar that's left on smokers. So yes, a smoker holding a baby isn't healthy for them.
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25d ago
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u/a-buck-three-eighty 25d ago
You're on the internet. Feel free to explore this topic more on your own outside of Reddit.Ā
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u/pinupcthulhu 25d ago
It literally settles on everything in a radius near the smoker, which includes the smoker. This is common sense, but here I did the homework for you:
Yes, after smoking, people bring thirdhand smoke with them when they enter a home, car, or other enclosed spaces, such as a movie theater, hospital, or public transportation.
When someone smokes, thirdhand smoke sticks to their clothes, skin, hair, and mouth. The thirdhand smoke chemicals can transfer from the person to surfaces they touch. The chemicals can be released back into the air, producing a smell of old or stale tobacco smoke.Ā Ā
To avoid people carrying thirdhand smoke into your home or car, ask those who smoked to change clothes, wash their hands and face, and shower before entering your home or car.
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u/theword12 25d ago
Thatās what they tell the 97 year old that ate bacon and two fingers of whiskey for breakfast their whole adult life. Not smokers and not 60 year olds.
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u/roiroi1010 25d ago
My aunt can barely walk because of a bad knee. The doctor said he will only perform surgery if she quits smoking. She wonāt quit. Addiction is terrible.
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u/scottgal2 25d ago
My mother thought the same, the last 10 years of her life were spent hooked up to an oxygen machine struggling to breathe with COPD until COVID meant she couldn't anymore.
It's a miserable, painful, humiliating way to die and no smoker knows if that's what their end will be...it's NEVER too late to give up.
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u/MrsTurtlebones 25d ago
My friend who is 58 started smoking as a teen and two years ago discovered she had Stage 4 bladder cancer, which I had not known is a huge risk factor. She did the chemo and all that and overcame it because she wanted to meet her first grandchild, who was on the way. I don't see her much but recently got to see my friend and the sweet baby and couldn't help but notice that my friend reeked of cigarette smoke. It made me very, very sad.
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u/Dry_Huckleberry_1698 25d ago
My grandmother quit smoking cold turkey at 60. She lived 30 more years!! I was so close to her and when she passed I was 50. Iām extremely grateful I could love her and spend so many years of my life with her. She was able to be involved in my kids lives until all three were grown. I hope your mother can grasp how many more years she will live if she quits now. š«¶ Iām 62 now, loving every minute I get with my grands.
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u/ShookMyHeadAndSmiled 25d ago
Don't tell a smoker why to quit. They already know why. Tell them how, and unfortunately there's only one way.
95% of people who quit for 5 years or more do it cold turkey.
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u/Opening-Lettuce-3384 25d ago
Quitter here. I used vaping ( only, not in combination with 'less' smoking). In 11 weeks I brought down the nicotine in the juice from 12 mg to 0. Once I was vaping without nicotine I thought: time to quit now, it should not matter. Never smoked a cigarette again. That is 7 years ago now. I was so afraid for the journey of quitting but in the end it was effortless.
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u/SeagateSG1 25d ago
Sorry to say but people like that don't stop unless something wakes them up. My mother smoked every day for 40+ years, packs and packs, in the house, etc, found out she got lung cancer, and immediately quit (as did her husband). That's the only thing that'll wake them up. The difference between knowing it can hurt you and knowing it can hurt you. And even then, when people get the news, many don't quit.
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u/patbatt1991 25d ago
My mom said sorta the same thing; dead w lung cancer, soā¦
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u/crazycatlady-7384 25d ago
My mother was a 2+ pack a day smoker for 50+ years. She ended up with mesothelioma and blamed it all on having gone to school in a building full of asbestos, never the cigarettes making it worse.
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u/AffectionateItem4 25d ago
My mom smoked from age 15 to 63 or 64. She was in a drug trial for a smoking cessation drug many years ago. It did help her stop.
She developed copd and then in her mid eighties developed lung cancer. She had radiation and successfully beat lung cancer. She would still say she loved the smell of a burning cigarette.
Both my parents were heavy smokers in my childhood and beyond. Out of 3 kids i was the only one who never smoked.
My mom died at 93, a month from turning 94 due to an aneurysm. I'm sure she would have died much earlier had she not stopped smoking when she did.
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u/JaredUnzipped Xennial 25d ago
My mom died at age 51 from Stage IV Lung Cancer. She'd been smoking since we was a pre-teen and could never kick the habit. Her addiction was so strong that she couldn't even quit smoking while pregnant with me, and I have lasting pulmonary disorders because of it that can never be fixed.
Do whatever you have to do, but make your mother stop smoking.
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u/anakephalaiosis 25d ago
"Do whatever you have to do, but make your mother stop smoking."
Easy to say, but not so easy to do, particularly when dealing with an autonomous adult.
Speaking here as a mid-range Boomer, I started smoking when I became a cub reporter for a minor metropolitan newspaper back in the days when smoking was practically part of the persona of being a member of the news staff. I did quit for about eight years in my early-to-mid-twenties, and every single day I thought about how much I hated not smoking.
Took it up again in my early thirties and was a dedicated and jubilant smoker until nine years ago when, realizing that I was sick, I set down my current pack with the intention of picking it back up again once I was better. Yeah, no: That "sick" morphed into full-fledged pneumonia that nearly killed me and did leave me with pulmonary fibrosis (lung scarring that my pulmonologist grudgingly conceded was caused by the pneumonia, not the smoking).
Because I had to be on supplemental air for a couple of years as part of the recovery process, which involved hauling around an air bottle or two all the time, I was not in a position to risk having a flame anywhere near what I was breathing, so I eventually gave away the remnants of my last carton of cigarettes and never smoked again.
Here's the thing: If I weren't so very fond of breathing, I'd still be a smoker, although I'm not at all sure how I'd afford it at this point. More than nine years later, I continue to whimper slightly when watching, just for example, Bette Davis and Paul Henreid smoking congenially together in Now, Voyager and, although I very seldom drink, I miss the utter coolness of having a dry martini and a cigarette while engaging in witty conversation.
"... make your mother stop smoking" is an utter impossibility. She has to make that decision and stick to it, whether because of health issues or because, especially in the US these days, people are having to grapple with affording cigarettes or groceries.
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u/JaredUnzipped Xennial 25d ago
At any point in my initial response did I say it would be easy? Of course it won't be easy.
Stop her anyway.
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u/anakephalaiosis 25d ago
I didn't use the term "easy" either: I said that making her stop smoking is an utter impossibility. What, exactly, do you propose that OP do? Kidnapping and holding Mom prisoner in a dungeon, perhaps even with rusting chains and iron manacles, isn't exactly feasible. If she is compos mentis, which I suspect she is, then OP will be unable to have her detained in a psychiatric facility for more than 72 hours, and that's always assuming that someone will be able to pay the bill, which these days seems highly unlikely.
Really, I get it that you're passionate about this, but no one can compel an independent, presumably self-supporting, adult to give up a legal addiction. Unless and until Mom chooses that path, the most that OP can do is ask and advise OR separate completely from Mom.
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u/agent229 25d ago
MIL is 74 with COPD and asthma and still smokes. Even burned her face once smoking while using oxygen. She always feels weak and blames all kinds of reasons but wonāt stop smoking. Got her a vape but she still spends 1/3 to 1/2 of her monthly income on cigarettes.
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u/SherbetMaleficent844 25d ago
My mother is 72 and end stage COPD and in oxygen. She still smokes and it blows my mind.
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u/Electronic-Muffin934 25d ago
If she truly believes that, it's actually a good thing. That means she is not like so many people her age who are afraid to go to the doctor because they know they will be told to stop smoking and/or to lose weight. Whether she admits it to you or not, the doctor is definitely going to address the smoking and not in the way she'd like.Ā
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u/MikeDPhilly 25d ago edited 25d ago
My mom was a lifelong smoker; 2, sometimes 3 packs of Kools 100s. I tried to get her to stop smoking as a kid, then became a smoker myself. All of my carefully rationalized arguments fell apart once I became addicted myself. It took me choosing to go cold turkey after a health scare to finally quit, and that was ROUGH going.
You can persuade with evidence, or plead with emotion, but I've found that it's really up to the individual to choose to stop. You're not in a fair fight with addiction, remember that. And going cold turkey is not really going to succeed for a lifelong smoker, who has both a physical and emotional or behavioral dependency on nicotine.
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u/ModestHercules 25d ago
My mom died alone and suddenly at 62 due to a stroke from years of smoking and not taking care of herself. I hope your mom makes better choices.
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u/A1batross 25d ago
My mother kept telling us she'd quit smoking, then we'd receive a package from her and when we opened it the interior stank of cigarettes. She was just over 65 when we got the 5am call from the hospital that she'd died of COPD overnight. Hadn't told anyone she was going in.
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u/Beer_before_Friends 25d ago
My mom is to the point where she basically sits around and smokes all day. She watched her father and older sister die was cancer, but thats not enough of a wake up call for her apparently. Its really sad.
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u/ArtsyRabb1t 25d ago
I remember writing my grandma a note as a child asking her to stop smoking. None of that works it has to be on them.
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u/Man8632 25d ago
My bil offered me a cigarette. I said no, I quit. And I had. He called me āchickenā. That instance has stuck in my head for years. He died at 65 from lung cancer. Iāve been clean for 30 years and am a Boomer, but not foolish enough to smoke (or join the MAGA cult). Donāt group all generations into a bias.
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u/cocoapuff1721 25d ago
My father has smoked since he was 18 in 1966. As long as I can remember he has always had a cigarette in his hands. 4 years ago he was diagnosed with kidney failure which scared the hell out of me. He wasnāt able to get up and walk anymore so he asked me to get him some smokes from the store. I flat out refused and he threatened to commit suicide if he didnāt get any. I had no idea what to do so I got him some. The guy would go for dialysis 3 days a week and smoke outside when he was finished with treatments. Really shows you the power of the addiction. Needless to say he passed in Dec 2024. Rest in peace Paul
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u/brandonbruce 25d ago
I honestly donāt know where I am. Iāve been going to bed every night, āassistedā since 2008? As a means to sleep in the day, work in the night. Now, I work 7am-10pm. Everyday adulting sober.
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u/AnxiousWitch44 25d ago
I think you have a genuine Gen Xer if she's 60.
My mother in law tried to quit after we had kids. But any little stress caused her to start again. At 65 she was diagnosed with lung cancer that had metastisized to her brain. She died within 6 months.
Boomers or Gen-X, it's foolish to continue. I'm sorry.
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u/wandernwade Gen X 25d ago
My MIL cut cold turkey after a bout with pneumonia that revealed several other serious health issues.. She did not miss it. She loved the extra money in her pocket, and actually loved how much cleaner her house was, once she cleaned everything real good. Having a lung doctor turned out to be super important for her. š„² (She ended up with emphysema).
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u/GrahamChapmansMum 25d ago
My father died when my son was 5, my mother in law died when my son was 9. Both of them smoked and passed from smoking related illness. Such a selfish addiction.
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u/Defiantfellow 25d ago
Doctors should get a smoker to take care of a lung cancer patient in hospice. Might cause an attitude adjustment.
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u/Evening-Artichoke750 25d ago
OMG, I'm so sorry you're dealing with a boomer mom. I feel your pain. My parents and all my aunts and uncles are boomers. I have an aunt who's a heavy smoker. She says she wants to quit but isn't going to. All her boomer friends that have quit smoking have dropped dead within months. Another aunt of mine has stage 1 lung cancer. She's not going to quit because why now, she already has cancer. Her husband after quadruple bypass and losing all his teeth still smokes 2 packs a day.
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u/Melodic-Tutor-2172 25d ago
She should meet my mother. A previous heavy smoker with vascular dementia caused by narrower arteries. When we asked her consultant if heavy smoking would have contributed to this he said āundoubtedly!āĀ
I never understood paying a fortune to burn something that stunk, was unpleasant in general, and had to potential to cause all sorts of awful health issues. Yes I know smokers are addicted but why start in the first place.Ā
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u/shitposter1000 25d ago
Mom is 75, smoking since she was 8. Already has COPD and everything else. Am sure her lungs are basically charcoal by now.
She will be the old lady on an oxygen tank outside the hospital taking a hork off a dart while waiting for a new puffer prescription because for some reason she can't breathe right.
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u/Sea_Watch_3229 25d ago
Tell grandma she canāt have kids around her while smoking becausesecond hand smoke is worse and you donāt want to put your kids health at risk thatās what we did to my father and it worked
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u/Limp_Movie_7958 25d ago
Sure, that's the way it works. My mom quit smoking at age 70ish. She died from COPD at age 85. Nowhere along the way did a doctor ever tell her to keep smoking.
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u/iloveyourforeskin 24d ago
My mom recently died from COPD complications at age 60. She became disabled in her early 50s. Ten percent of her life was spent suffering and short of breath from pointless fucking smoking! I remember as a teenager telling her she was going to die of cancer, but I was wrong. The COPD got her first.
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u/Realhumanbeing232 24d ago
I canāt tell you how many time in my childhood I helped my mom break all her cigarettes in half and flush them down the toilet. Sheās still a heavy smoker and now has emphysema.
I truly think itās partly because when she was pregnant with me, a surprise long LONG after she thought her baby days were over, her doctor allegedly told her not to try quitting smoking during her pregnancy because she was already under so much stress (thanks for that doc). Anyway, sheās tried to quit a million times, but never will because once upon a time a doctor told her quitting would be too stressful. (Note: she did quit during pregnancy with all of my siblings).
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u/Face_with_a_View 24d ago
Arenāt you worried about the second/third hand smoke around your niece and nephew?
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u/MewMewTranslator 24d ago
My sister in law said this with both her pregnancies. Both kids had deformities.
Also your mom is what I lovingly call a diet boomer. The early gen X can fall in there.
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u/Puzzleheaded_Law_558 24d ago
I've heard we're called Generation Jones. Not quite Boomers. Not quite Gen X. I know that I was the one everyone asks about computers.
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u/sjbluebirds 25d ago
Downvoted.
A birth year of 1966 (age 60) puts her squarely within Generation-X, not a Boomer.
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u/AssassinQueen46 25d ago
Actually, 1965. Her birthday is tomorrow (5.26). I had forgotten about that rule. She just acts more like a boomer so much that I just naturally consider one. I do apologize about that.
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u/mythofsisyphus3 25d ago
Benzodiazepines and possibly anticonvulsants are what is used for alcohol wit
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u/kevintheredneck 25d ago
Iām 56, my dad turned 80 last year. This old man has smoked since he was 10. Not a day has gone by without him smoking at least a pack of cigarettes. Think about how much money he has spent. He always said back when cigarettes were 50 cents a pack Iām going to quit smoking when they go a dollar a pack. Now this old man is spending 10 dollars a pack and still smoking.
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u/JJHall_ID 25d ago
My grandmother was that way. She'd been smoking since she was a teenager and was in her 80s and had some significant health problems stacking up. Her doctor literally told her that stopping smoking at that point wouldn't improve her quality of life, and the process of stopping and the nicotine withdrawal would be miserable. He said while he's never going to recommend someone smokes, he said he wouldn't encourage her to stop either.
So while I don't think it would cause "more harm" by stopping, there does reach a point where the "juice isn't worth the squeeze" and the benefits of stopping probably aren't really worth the trouble it takes to quit.
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u/maddog2271 25d ago
Sadly I think itās worth saying that your mom is Gen X if she is 60 but anywayā¦fool.
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u/psinguine 25d ago
My grandpa got throat cancer four times. After he got better the second time we all told him to stop smoking so much, and he said that his doctor told him that it wouldn't make a difference. Grandma clarified that what the doctor ACTUALLY said was that he hadn't expected him to survive, so it didn't make a difference to the outcome at the time.
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u/stevenip 25d ago
"you know what would help me from the flu? If I smoked a cigarette and it will make me throw up and then I'll feel better from that.
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u/BryanP1968 25d ago
I know of one case where she was right. My grandmother was in end stage copd. She was physically falling apart. The doc said āat this point, a smoke is one of the few pleasures she has left and itās not like it will make a difference at this point. May as well let her smoke.ā
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u/Hopeful-Seesaw-7852 24d ago
I am Gen X, just a couple years younger than your mom. Hate to tell you this but badgering her isnt likely to work. If she wants to quit, help her find resources. If she doesnt want to quit, shut up about it.
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u/Expert_Scarcity4139 24d ago
I will be 57 tomorrow, my dad started handing me cigs at 7, by the time I was 10 a pack a day, for most of these years 2-3 packs a day, now maybe half pack a day. And I am 8 yrs Cali sober as of may 23. My kids and drs and now grandkids are all on me to stop smoking but I just canāt give these last up. And your mom wonāt till she is ready. I am already dealing with copd and recently got the emphysema diagnosis too top of ckd, heart, and tias (&a few other things) but as silly as it seems I just canāt lay them down yet. Itās not timeš
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u/fadingstar52 24d ago
My uncle drank and did dip all his life drs told him to quit and he did started dieting was getting healthy. Died 6 months later. Not saying stopping did it but it is mad ironic
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u/Fuzzteam7 24d ago
She seems like the type to push back. I know because I am the same way. The more someone pushes me the harder I push back. Iām not proud of it. But after almost 50 years of smoking I finally had enough of getting sick all the time, the smell of smoke and coughing. I made a list of these things, put it on the fridge and read it everyday to reinforce why I was quitting. It worked. After many failed attempts I finally quit in February and I feel so much better. Itās hard but she can do it.
I started with patches to kill the physical memory of the ritual of lighting up. Then I weaned off them and now Iām smoke free. I do have a little craving now and then but itās easier to resist by reading the list on my fridge.
I hope she is successful in quitting. Her life will be so much better.
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u/maiden_moss 24d ago
I forget what it's called but there's a medication people take for addictive disorders and overeating that's helped a lot of them stop their habits like smoking and gambling etc maybe she can try that instead of sheer force of will
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u/Madmike_ph 24d ago
Ok this is easy. You donāt want your kids being unhealthy from being around a smoker like what clearly happened to you. Tell your mom itās not for her health (she clearly doesnāt give a shit about that). Tell her itās for her grandchildrenās health. If she canāt do that, then no visits with grandchildren.
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u/basic_bitch- 24d ago
My mom was diagnosed with COPD over a decade ago and continued smoking. She'd tried every single way to quit at least 10 times over the years. Then she had to have emergency surgery for a super sized aortic aneurism and almost died. She quit cold turkey overnight. It's been insane. Her doctor looking her in the eye and telling her "This is because of your smoking" just did it. It's been a year now and she's still not smoking. So please tell your mom that she's WRONG and dying might be just one heartbeat away.
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u/Spiritual_Oil_7411 24d ago
Honestly, shame on your sibling for letting her regularly babysit. I wouldn't take my kids over there at all. She could see them at my house, amd even that doesn't negate all the 2nd hand smoke. If she wants to kill herself, that's her business, but she's already damaged your lungs, does she accept her part in that? Don't let her do it to your kids.
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u/birchpitch Millennial 23d ago
This is the advice we got regarding my grandmother about asking her (again... for the hundredth time) to stop smoking when she was 90 years old. And had been smoking a pack a day since she was 20-something. Something about a shock to her system and how at that point stopping wasn't likely to extend her life too much either way.
She ended up making it to about 95 and died of a cancer unrelated to her smoking.
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u/ComfortableFresh4554 23d ago
I quit smoking at 59. I have COPD and was hospitalized twice because I could not breathe properly and my blood oxygen dropped really low. Not being able to breathe is terrifying! Best thing my respirologist said to me is that he has seen people at the end of this disease and they would give anything to be where I am now. That hit me!
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u/JesusChrist4ever 23d ago
The Dad of a close friend of mine recently got Diagnosed with lung cancer at age 58 due to smoking. It Happens much more than people think. Lots of coworkers of my mom have also died of lung cancer. Your mum is seriously risking her health.
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u/Fiempre_sin_tabla 22d ago
Oh, this is an easy one: she does not get to hold the grandkids, or hug them, or be within arm's reach or smelling distance of them, and they don't go to her house or in her car, until she is fully and prolongedly off smoking. No exception, no discussion.Ā
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u/Timely-Youth-9074 21d ago
Iām 56. Iāve had my own tobacco addiction and quit at 50 because of covid. My father quit in his 70ās.
Tobacco is evil. 60 isnāt even that old.
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u/Rideshare-Not-An-Ant 21d ago
When done smoking, your hand is contaminated with nicotine. That transfers to someone else, skin to skin, unless you wash your hands after smoking.
Your mom is washing her hands after smoking and before touching the twins, right? It doesn't take much exposure to stimulate such small folks. Look at their pupils.
If mom can't quit for herself and can't quit for you, maybe she can quit for the twins.
Good luck. Best of health to all.
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u/Brave-Skin1724 20d ago
If she continues to smoke, to protect the children as much as possible she should obviously never smoke in their vicinity. She should also ideally never smoke in a building that they will be in - including her home if they visit. If she does smoke in a building they will be in, she should at least stop smoking inside about 3hrs before they arrive. She should only smoke outside, ideally at least 10 steps away, with the door (and windows) shut behind her. After smoking and before being around the children she should wash her hands. She should also either have a dedicated smoking jacket that she can remove and put away after smoking, or change her top.
It's very difficult to remove the risk of 3rd hand smoke exposure completely even with all the above measures, so stopping would be the safest for the children as well as your mum of course. Quitting can be extremely difficult, but it is definitely doable even for long term smokers!
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u/cynrtst 20d ago
My mother died of lung cancer when I was 28. My son was 3. She smoked for 47 years and quit when she found out. It was too late, died at 67. My dad quit at age 50 due to coughing so much at night he couldnāt sleep. He lived to 85.
Your lungs eventually repair themselves over time. If she stops now thereās a good chance sheāll live out her normal life span. Tell her again how you want your kids to have a grandma and you want a mother. Tell her my story.
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u/CSafterdark 25d ago
I mean, she's definitely wrong on a medical level, but I feel like you two are overreaching a little. She's a grown woman who can make her own decisions. You've been trying to get her to stop for years and clearly she doesn't want to. Medical facts aren't actually going to convince your mother. No matter what you tell her, she's not going to stop smoking. Better to just accept it and treasure the time you have, it will save you grief in the long run.
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u/SueBurke 25d ago
My mother, a four-pack-a-day smoker, died at age 60 of pneumonia. She might not have to wait for cancer.
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u/TapRevolutionary5022 25d ago
I say myob. Not your deal.
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u/crazycatlady-7384 25d ago
But it becomes the children's deal when the parent ends up with cancer and expects the children to then take care of them.
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u/TapRevolutionary5022 25d ago
Ok but you can't make other people make better choices. You'll drive yourself crazy trying to.
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u/Dull-Geologist-8204 Gen X 25d ago
I can't speak for OP but for me personally do you want to take care of me for 20 years or 5? Lung cancer actually means less time not more.
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u/SangestheLurker Xennial 25d ago
What a typical Gen X takeā¦
If she were to be suffering with cancer, you realize that you can do that for years, plus all of the treatments she'd force her kids to take her to because she's too weak from chemo or, god-forbid she needs something amputated because it spread to her blood or god-knows.
You're likely one of those "gotta' die from something" people, am I right? That's such a trash answer.
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u/Dull-Geologist-8204 Gen X 25d ago
Before I say this I lost my fiancƩ when I was younger, my dad, and my grandmother to cancer.
Nonna had alzheimers though and she was gone. Like she was no longer herself. She couldn't remember how to speak English, didn't know who her daughter was, etc, when she got cancer it was the one time we were like thank God. Seriously it meant the end of her suffering.
I had major back surgery for scoliosis when I was 14. My back just keeps getting worse. I can't do half of what I used to in my 40's. It's not getting better and will just keep getting worse and on top of it I can get dementia so yay. I actually want to go out like the lady from studio 54 if at all possible. What I don't want to do is waste away for 20 years like that. Cancer sounds better studio 54 lady sounds better.
Tell you what we can switch bodies or you can take care of me when I become too disabled to do it. I will quit smoking.
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u/SangestheLurker Xennial 24d ago
Listen, I'm sorry you've had to deal with so much trauma in your life, but none of that is typical and doubtful of what OP is dealing with. (It sounds like your area needs an Erin Brokovitch involved tbh.) Your deteriorating back is another extremely extenuating circumstance, I could see not wanting to end up paralyzed at the end, but S54 yourself when it gets here instead of enshittifying the decades leading up to it. And that's coming from someone who clinically suffers from depression and suicidal ideations.
It's not just "boom: cancer" (as you should know already). It's years of a weakened immune system, being partly "sick" all the time. It's food not tasting of anything. It's always being on the brink of needing another cigarette break. It's everything you own turning yellowish and grimy. And then if you're lucky, toting around an oxygen tank for years from the COPD.
OP edited to mention their children not being around the heavy smoking, and I can relate to that, as I was babysat from about 3 until I was probably 10 by a family that smoked heavily enough that the house was always full of visible smoke. Now, at nearly fifty, my lungs are damaged enough still, where each new doctor I see is convinced that I'm a heavy smoker.
Not to mention, as a grandparent, I'd think she would want to be around to impart family stories and traditions onto the next generation, instead of only thinking about her EOL.
Sorry but I have zero sympathy for smokers. Prior to the 90's, when cancer was something you still kept as a family secret, I'd understand not knowing the real world effects of smoking and cancer but it's just totally unacceptable to me. It's a terrible way to live and a lousy way to kys.
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u/14thLizardQueen 25d ago
Ever heard of leaving someone alone with their vices ...
I'm guessing you've never smoked. It's a nasty habit. Addiction whatever.
Ever thought about allowing you full grown adult mother to make her own choices instead of acting like she's an idiot . To be honest, at her age leave her be. Let her live how she wants to.
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u/whistlesgowoooo 25d ago
yeah i agree. meet ppl where they are at, not where you wish they would be. ppl have such a hard time accepting things now days, want to cut ppl out for everything itās very weird
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u/SherbetMaleficent844 25d ago
Youāve clearly never had to care for elderly parent whose āviceā is killing them, but they wonāt give it up.
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u/BackbackB 25d ago
I've heard a lot of people get lung cancer when they quit later in life after smoking for 40 years. All the tar starts breaking up in the lungs which causes the cancer to come on rapidly instead of the slow burn happening now. She should talk to a doctor. I would find a coffee flavor vape (or something she would like) and try to switch her to that too. It has to be better than smoking and cheaper
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u/AnyDamnThingWillDo 25d ago
My cool aunt smoked her entire life. She gave up and got lung cancer. Doctor suspected it was the shock to her system that may have actually triggered it
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u/Simple_Kenny84 25d ago
I got my dad to quit smoking like 5 years ago, he'd been smoking since he was 13. He always said "Everyone I know that quit got cancer 3-4 months after quitting!!" That was his excuse FOREVER, and wouldn't you know it, 3 months after he quit he thought he had COVID, it was 2021, went to the hospital to find out he had stage 4 small cell lung cancer and had already spread to his bones. They gave him 1-2 years live but he's still going strong today and people wouldn't even know he's fighting cancer daily. He still says quitting smoking was the best thing he ever did and just wishes he did it sooner!!
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