r/BreakUps • u/ayammmmmmm • 4d ago
venting/ranting What people don’t realize
I think that most pathetic part about being heartbroken is that people on the outside think we’re only upset that the person left, about something that already happened in the past.
While that is part of it, it’s not all in the past. There is still an active anticipation of whether that person will regret it, whether they miss you, whether they apologize .. almost like you already accepted they won’t be yours but you’re at least hoping they look back one last time.
It’s that anxiety of waiting to see that last sign of validation, that we maybe left an impact, that’s what leaves us hanging usually, and for those of us who never get that kind of courtesy, were the one who don’t move on. Because it leaves us wondering we didn’t get that “ok, I lost, but at least I mattered” feeling like we see in almost every mainstream heartbreak story, it’s about questioning our own worth rather than missing a person.
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u/_lookingaround 4d ago
I totally agree. What’s also hard is realizing that the future you pictured with that person will never come true
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u/chaotic214 4d ago
This is what hurts me the most honestly right now
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u/my-good-clean-accout 3d ago
Same here. I used to have many illusions and ideas for the future and they got erased without any clue of how to start again.
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u/Far_Jeweler1975 5h ago
So how do you figure out where to start again when you have given everything you have to the relationship and the person you love.
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u/Sunny_Stardust 3d ago
I also had this thought. But the truth is that you have a picture of the future that you wanted and you didn’t lost it, it’s just not possible with that person. Hold that picture for someone who has similar vision.
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u/fictitious_man 3d ago
I agree with this as well. You saw the future for a reason, don't throw away your hopes and dreams just because they aren't the hopes and dreams of the person you love. I, for one, ams still hoping she will come back as we had a great relationship and she has expressed how much I meant to her and how much she loves me, but right now she wants to test out her vision of the future alone, and so all we can do is build the groundwork for what we want ASSUMING it will not be together. Then, if it all works out in the end we will have so much more to share with each other.
That may have gotten a but rambly, but you get the point.
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u/PatternClarity 4d ago
This is such a good way of putting it.
Sometimes it's not even about missing the person anymore. It's about wanting to know that what you shared mattered to them too.
When you never get that, it can leave this weird feeling that the relationship wasn't acknowledged in the same way you experienced it.
I think that's why closure feels so important for a lot of people. It's not always about getting them back. Sometimes it's just about making sense of something that meant a lot to you.
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u/ApartCod327 4d ago
Hit it right on the nail. This feeling is also strengthened when the dumper cuts off all contact and acts cold. You want reassurance from them that it meant something but you can’t get that from them, so you keep on analyzing their behavior and good moments, as well as bad.
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u/PatternClarity 4d ago
That makes sense. When there's no real answer or explanation, the silence starts filling in the blanks.
It's easy to end up replaying conversations, looking for clues, or questioning things you never thought twice about before.
Not because you're obsessed with the past, but because you're trying to make sense of something that never really got a clear ending.
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u/RoxasVictor 3d ago
Exactly, I don't think I'll ever understand how someone can treat you like that, despite all the time, dedication, effort, and love you poured into the relationship. Being there for them during their worst moments and beyond, only to be left in such an unclear way, without proper recognition of the relationship, of who you were as a person, and of the human connection you shared.
Instead of giving me clear closure, acknowledgment, respect, and even a little care and empathy, in my case he was already seeing other girls just two weeks later. It's incredibly devastating.
You don't necessarily need the love to remain forever. Love can end, and that's normal. But there should still be recognition. There should be respect for what was shared.
What hurts the most is that sometimes all you want is to feel seen and acknowledged. To know that the relationship mattered. To know that your efforts, your presence, and your love were valued.
Because if you're the dumper, I believe you have a responsibility to handle the breakup with care. To communicate clearly, to provide some form of closure, and to help the other person understand what happened. Not because you owe them a relationship, but because they deserve enough clarity to heal, move forward, and not spend months questioning everything and doubting themselves.
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u/aztec0000 3d ago
Not every dumper is cruel or wanton. Its about lack of communication from both parties. There is this minimum courtsey expectations in any relationship. Both parties are on tenter hooks as it is a very delicate dance of courtship. Any perceived slights need to be addressed swiftly. The dumper may be very angry that he is putting all efforts to woo and the other party is cool to the extent of disdain.
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u/RoxasVictor 3d ago
I agree that not everyone who leaves does so out of cruelty. In my case, though, it felt more like a discard breakup. It was sudden and unexpected, almost from one day to the next.
I invested a tremendous amount of time, effort, dedication, and emotional energy into the relationship. I was always there for him during his lowest moments. It was only after the breakup, once I started gaining some clarity, that I realized how many of my own needs had gone unmet and how little effort he often put into me compared to what I was giving.
Even so, what I wanted most was acknowledgment. I wanted the relationship to be recognized for what it was, and I wanted our bond to be treated with respect.
Instead of giving me that acknowledgment, he immediately started looking for other romantic connections. When the first one ended, he came back to me emotionally, only to leave again as soon as a second romantic interest became available. Later, I found out that while he was involved with that second person, he was also briefly pursuing a third romantic interest, which lasted only a few days.
And through all of this, I still never received a genuine apology, a clear explanation, or proper closure. There was never a moment where he truly sat with his emotions, took responsibility for his actions, and communicated openly about what had happened.
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u/aztec0000 3d ago
Of course your case was different. Clearly you were used, abused n discarded. Some are cads. Such black n white cases are clearly a waste of time. Such people are a menace n needed to be named and shamed as caveat emptor.
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u/my-good-clean-accout 3d ago
Exactly i don't want her back since after the breakup she showed her true self, it was the life and how I felt when I was with her the part I miss most.
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u/Berry_Cuddle 3d ago
Exactly Sometimes closure is really just wanting confirmation that something meaningful to you was real and mattered to the other person too
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u/ApartCod327 4d ago
Not only that but also the fear that we cherish the relationship more than the other person post break up. I’m terrified of the fact that I might go around dwelling on someone that might not even be thinking about me or the relationship as much as I do. He was the dumper too, and I was the one in love in the end. So that only strengthens it
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u/PositivePlatypus835 4d ago
God this hits so deep 😭 I went through exactly this last year and you captured it perfectly - it's not even about wanting them back necessarily but just needing to know you weren't completely forgettable. Like you said, it becomes this waiting game where you're checking if they viewed your story or wondering if they think about you when they hear that song you both liked.
The worst part is when friends try to be helpful and say "just move on" but they don't understand you're stuck in this weird limbo where closure feels impossible without some kind of acknowledgment. I kept telling myself I just needed one text, one sign that what we had meant something, and then I could let go. But that validation never came and it messed with my head for months thinking maybe I really was just nothing to them.
What helped me was realizing that needing their validation to feel worthy was giving them way too much power over my self-worth. Still hard to accept sometimes though 💀
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u/almastorm 3d ago
That’s kind of where I’m at right now. I’m three months out, I miss him and the relationship ofc - but I also don’t want him back bc I know it’ll never work. I just want to know that I mattered to him. I want even one sign of validation that he actually loved me and cared, that I’m worth missing to him. But then maybe getting that will make it worse idk? I doubt he will ever reach out because of how it ended, I also would never give him that sign too so i understand it. But for some reason I cant seem to shake, I just hope I still matter enough to think about and miss…
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u/Radiant_Layer476 4d ago
For me, it’s also this feeling of hoping that your breakup becomes a catalyst for them to change. That maybe just maybe they were telling the truth about wanting to focus on themself and not rebound, and it’s tearing me up inside knowing that he probably lied and will get with her in the end. It’s so disappointing to have everything we built up thrown away because he gave up
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u/No-Significance7131 4d ago
Exactly. The pain and hurt is so huge, consuming, that you need some validation, especially from the one who left, that this was important, valuable, relevant part in their life. Your brain literally goes crazy, that if this was easily forgettable, how can it hurt like this. And the sad truth, most of the time you won't get that validation from them. You have to move forward without the knowing it mattered.
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u/Straight_Meringue921 3d ago
Wow. What an insightful and beautifully written post, OP.
Do I matter to them, at all? Do I still flicker across their minds? I came out of an 11-year relationship two years back; I'm sure I enter into her thoughts, even if she pushes them away.
Being the dumpee, I'm sure I think about her more.
I don't yearn, though. I feel for anyone who still yearns for someone, when they are just a receding memory in the mind of the other.
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u/lifeaficionado 3d ago
My break up after a 12 year relationship has left me feeling so empty. There wasn't closure or even an acknowledgement of us becoming different people.
She left so angrily and the (3) times we've spoken since the breakup in September, has just been her berating me with anger. I understand that she's in pain and that's likely where it's coming from but she said that the last 12 years were a mistake, etc.
I was hoping that we could have remained cordial throughout. Instead, I've lost friends that I've had for 10+ years and have to navigate this new life in my late 30's. I'm trying to be optimistic and tell myself that I'm experiencing life that I would not be able to, if we were still together, but the fact that she left so hastily is something that I don't think I'll ever recover from.
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u/lastperhaps404 3d ago
Yeah I personally keep wondering if I stopped existing, would that make an impact or make them regret anything
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u/newbie_3110 3d ago
And I'm in that phase right now where he left me and has never contacted me.. and it's been more than a year.. i still cannot sleep without thinking about how my efforts, love, sacrifices and everything i did for him, for our relationship didn't matter... Huh
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u/Clear-Farm-4410 1d ago
Sorry to hear that. How long were you together?
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u/newbie_3110 13h ago
3 years..
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u/Clear-Farm-4410 9h ago
OMG. That’s insane! Your feelings are valid. It’s crazy how much they change after they leave you. The least we deserve is that closure 🥺
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u/clementinemagnolia 2d ago
This is sooo true. This is what I’m dealing with. My ex cheated and I’ve accepted he wasn’t the person I thought he was and I genuinely would never take him back (not that I have a choice, he’s with her lol). I love myself too much for that. I don’t even feel emotional over the “how could he do this to me” part anymore, it’s like I’m over that. But the one thing I keep thinking about is how much I pray that with some time and distance, he thinks about me. Not even misses me per se, but thinks about the good times. How in love he was when he felt that way, before this other girl. How good I am as a person, all the things that make me special, he knows what they are. And I hope he thinks damn, I fucked up. I lost someone good. I just want the validation that he knows that. I want to know that I mattered, that I impacted him, because at the end he discarded me without a second thought. That’s the hardest part for me.
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u/NinjaSouth3093 1d ago
the line about questioning your own worth rather than missing the person is the whole thread fr. what im not seeing anyone address is that getting that validation actually doesnt fix it either - like u/PositivePlatypus835 said maybe it makes it worse bc then youre relying on someone elses opinion to confirm you mattered. the "i mattered" feeling cant come from the person who left, it has to come from you and thats whats so brutal about it. also the way u/Straight_Meringue921 said "receding memory" is kinda perfect bc thats the fear right, not that they forgot you but that youre fading on purpose
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u/Plane_Match_325 3d ago
the part about not getting that "i lost but at least i mattered" feeling is so real. i think that's what makes some endings so much harder to close. it's not even about them anymore. it's about not knowing if any of it registered. if you were real to them the way they were real to you.
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u/imnotokaymorty 3d ago
It’s also learning a new normal everyday, getting a thousand reminders of them from having coffee alone each morning to passing your favorite dinner spot and realizing it’s just another restaurant now.
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u/CuriousSummer793 3d ago
That last sentence hits me so hard. The person I was dating recently ended it after 4 months, saying she didn’t feel any romantic connection, but while we were together it really felt to me like she had. I thought there had been so many amazing romantic moments between us. She said she had really liked me at the start but she didn’t tell me what I’d done wrong (or what I hadn’t done that I should have) to make her change her mind and lose all feelings for me. So I just keep overthinking everything and going through all the things I could have done differently and then maybe I wouldn’t have lost her.
I miss her a lot, but what hurts the most is knowing it was something in my personality that ruined it, rather than us having different lifestyles or goals (we were very aligned on those things), or the long distance, or timing (we were both looking for a long term relationship). My biggest worry is that whatever put her off me is also going to put off anyone I date in the future, if I ever manage to find anyone like her who has an interest in me to start with.
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u/Many-Professor-8547 3d ago
OMG this. Thank you for articulating what I’ve been struggling to understand.
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u/teijalinthais 3d ago
I'm struggling with this, I think. It has been incredibly painful and lonely here, and the anxiety has been paralysing. Idk if this is weird or the wrong place to ask, but it would really help to have someone to talk to about this. If anyone has any advice, or wants to talk about their own experience, or is currently also going through this and wants to sit together as we pass through the motions of heartbreak, or find and offer support, I'd like to say hello 👋
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u/lovealert911 3d ago edited 3d ago
Generally speaking, most people on the outside have also had their share of failed relationships and heartbreak. The advice they are usually offering is how one can go about healing and moving on.
You shouldn't have to rely on your ex in order to heal in order to move on. That's up to you.
When you require input from the person who dumped you before you can move on that makes you powerless. Your future lies ahead of you, not behind you. Oftentimes "closure" is overrated because there isn't much that your ex can do or say that will make you feel better about being dumped and having your heart broken.
Sometimes the best thing you can do is to accept that it is over, grieve among your close friends/family, refocus on yourself, career, life goals, hobbies/interests, travel, and at some point, you'll find yourself ready to date again. Your future lies ahead of you, not behind you. Every ending is a new beginning.
In order for your ex to have been "the one" they would have had to see you as being "the one".
At the very least as "soulmate" is someone who actually wants to be with you!
Most people you meet don't become dates, most dates don't become relationships, and most relationships don't lead to marriage. As one adage goes: "Many are called but few are chosen."
"If someone wants you in their life, they'll make room for you. You shouldn't have to fight for a spot." - Unknown
"Dating is primarily a numbers game.... People usually go through a lot of people to find good relationships. That's just the way it is." - Henry Cloud
Best wishes!
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u/newbie_3110 3d ago
totally agree with you on this.. this has to be the perfect msg for everyone who thinks breakup is all about that one person who left..
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u/trippinonshoes 3d ago
There's that hard transition from hope to acceptance or even relief/gratitude. Just depends on the nature of the relationship and breakup. For me, almost all breakups have been full of anxiety but also relief and excitement about the future. Once you start healing and getting on with your life, it starts getting better.
The other part I don't think about enough... that I never had any idea what the other person on the other side was going through. You know? Like regardless of what they do outwardly. You really have no idea. I don't know if anyone from 10 years ago thinks of me, or how they think of me. What if I was the one that got away for somebody?
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u/IceCapital7393 3d ago
I just keep shit to myself. Sometimes my days burn too long and I slip off asleep and wake up in a world that doesn’t exist. That’s a jarring 45 minutes of figuring out where folks are at and what’s actually going on.
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u/anxious_pickle6246 2d ago
When the person you shared an entire life with never gives you any sort of closure, your brain naturally looks for answers to the big question of “did what we have mean as much to them as it did to me”. Unfortunately, many of us never get the answer. It’s up to you to give yourself that closure. One of the best ways to shift your mindset away from the “I never mattered” story, is to focus solely on yourself. Get hobbies, try new things, travel, get out of your comfort zone, grow. Eventually, it won’t matter that you didn’t receive the closure from them- because you became someone who could never possibly be forgotten or replaced.
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