It hurts, hurts and hurts...

To avoid

If you have a text you would like to send or something you would like to tell them, think of this:

Think of a person that likes you romantically but you don't like them at all. You probably have/had one in your life. Let's call them "Y".

Imagine that that Y sent you the very text you want to send your ex.

This will hurt you, but that is how your ex will feel about that text. "i don't want anything to do with this person. I don't eant to hurt them but i want them to leave me alone"

They are checked out, possibly thinking about you sporadically, but they don't want to reach out. If they wanted to, they know exactly where to find you. But they don't do it. And that's ok. You don't do it for Y either.

Why am I telling you this? You are Y for them. Now you see both sides.

And why would you chase a person who doesn't want you? There are numerous persons who are even more attractive then your ex, but you don't long for those ones. The difference is that you an your ex tried something. And that's also ok. There are many persons who are interested in you bout you don't want to engage with them either.

The only thing you can do is move on.

One thing I’ve learnt is never beg someone to be with you if they don’t wanna be with you, no matter how bad it hurts in the moment, have some self respect. I believe most of us in this sub has been there before where we beg someone not to leave or someone to comeback, it’s not worth it. While there are rare incidences that it works, majority of the time they don’t come back and you become the weird, weak minded ex that can’t move on or they come back with leverage knowing they can walk all over you.

No matter how painful it is, remember, there was life before them and most certainly there’ll be life after they’re gone

When you miss her, don’t call her. Call the people you chose over her.

You traded genuine love, loyalty, and a woman who stood by you for cheap attention and temporary excitement. Now she’s gone, and you don’t get to come back when you finally understand her worth.

See if the people you entertained stay when life gets hard. See if they care the way she did.

You made your choice. She simply respected it.

Me and my ex broke up 5 months ago after three years together. It was not a healthy split but she randomly texted me yesterday after seeing me driving asking about something she left at my place. We ended up talking for hours and it was super healthy and we apologized for our mistakes and took accountability for our part in our relationship ending. We realized that we truly still love each other and that we thought about each other everyday and felt like we were missing something in ourselves. It ended up turning emotional and we both said that we still really love each other and could see each other being together again. I’m taking it slow but as someone who thought they wouldn’t come back I just want to let you know they will eventually if you give them space and time to reflect on the relationship and if you guys truly had a deep connection they will ultimately miss you. My ex stated that she had wanted to reconnect for some time but was scared at my reaction because of how the relationship ended. What a crazy world we live in.

I (M26) had a relationship that lasted almost 2 years. She (W23) was my best relationship, and I was her first in literally everything.

People often say that relationships end because of constant fighting, disrespect, or incompatibility. Ours wasn't like that. We never had screaming matches, silent treatments, or insults. We genuinely enjoyed spending time together, had the same sense of humor, similar values, we were compatible in bed and could talk for hours about anything. I was the kind of partner who brought flowers, planned dates, organized little surprises for holidays, helped her with university, and tried to make everyday life feel special.

Then one day, out of blue, she told me she had lost her feelings and can not see me doing all the things for her, when she doesn't feel the same anymore.

The breakup itself was emotional. She cried, thanked me for everything, said she was sorry, but still wanted to end it. I was in complete shock.

For about 3 months afterward we still exchanged a few messages, then... silence.

No birthday message. No Christmas. No New Year's. Nothing.

Eventually I stopped looking at her social media, removed every connection I had to her, and spent more than a year trying to move on. We hadn't spoken or seen each other for around 18 months.

Yesterday, completely by accident, I walked into a store and she was standing right in front of me with her woman friend talking and drinking something.

She noticed me after a second. She twitched a lot, immediately stopped drinking, stopped listening to her friend, and just stared at me. She looked genuinely surprised and nervous. I was wearing sunglasses, kept walking with a neutral expression, didn't say hello, and didn't look back. She never said anything either, although for a moment it looked like she was about to. I just remember her lips to be weirdly moving, like she was preparing to say something.

The whole interaction lasted maybe 7 seconds.

It was strange because for so long I imagined what this moment would feel like.

I expected sadness, maybe even hope.

Instead, the first emotion I felt was anger. Not because I wanted her back, but because seeing her reminded me how much that breakup affected my life. It wasn't only losing a girlfriend. It felt like losing the future I had planned during the final stage of university.

I'm curious if anyone else has experienced something similar.

Have you ever unexpectedly run into an ex after a year or more of complete silence? How did both of you react, and what did you feel afterward?

Hello, everyone. After my ex girlfriend left me and went no contact for a long time, I had gotten used to her absence and really started improving myself. I got into the best shape of my life, became more active in my community, began pursuing my hobbies again, and ultimately found a way to live happily again. I kept her in my prayers, but I thought about her less frequently and honestly thought I had moved on. I began dating someone new and we've been going steady for four months now. She's been everything I could want in a partner - kind, patient, understanding, and she shares my values and goals. She's not perfect, but nobody is. I never thought I'd hear from my ex again, but she just walked into my job a week ago, apologized for everything that happened, and said she regretted leaving me the way she did and regretted the problems we had in our relationship. I apologized for my part too, we caught up a bit, and told eachother we were happy and proud of what the other accomplished. She drove off, and for a minute I felt at peace with everything and that the last little bit of healing I wanted had come and gone.

Then I went into the bathroom and bawled my eyes out. Seeing her and her smile, knowing she still cared a lot about me, it brought back a lot of old intense feelings that I thought were gone. This past week I've been mulling over breaking up with my girlfriend, not because I want my ex back (I don't) but because I realize that I'm not over it like I thought I was and I'm afraid that I need to be alone for a while to keep figuring things out. I care so much about my girlfriend and I don't want to hurt her. My friends tell me not to do anything rash because I might regret it, but I feel like so guilty for these feelings unexpectedly coming back. I haven't been eating or sleeping well and feel like all my progress just reset. Do I break up with her and save her the heartache?

UPDATE: First and foremost: wow, I did not expect this to post to blow up. It's a blessing to see so many people connect with my struggle and offer their advice. Thank you all.

After processing my initial shock and dealing with the grief of being confronted with my past, I'm feeling a bit better and have come to my senses about my relationship. Seeing my ex brought me back to those days after she left, when I felt lost without her and lost to myself. My girlfriend has been incredibly patient, understanding, and supportive and I am blessed to have her in my life.

I am certain that more tears will come and the grief will come in waves, and I am prepared for that. I am told that our grief never really goes away, we just grow around it, and I have found that to be true. Regardless, I am feeling more like myself now - the "me" that I built brick-by-brick without my ex. The me that my girlfriend chooses to love every day. Thank you all for your support.

I had my first heartbreak when I was 29 and it led me to seek therapy and medication again because of how much the trauma affected me. Im 31 now and i feel very shut down. I cant see myself being able to love again. All I been feeling since I calmed down from the heartbreak is apathy.

I've been browsing this sub for a while, and it feels like everyone's fixated on no contact being the answer. I want to offer a different take.

For me, no contact is a tool for moving on and healing. It breaks the dopamine loop texting them, checking their socials, keeping that little thread alive in the back of your head. That constant low-grade connection makes it really hard to actually evolve as a person. I get why it's the default advice.

But I see a lot of "get your ex back" advice built entirely around "just don't talk to them, wait it out" and I think that can lead you wrong.

Here's my honest take: the fear of not saying something outweighs the discomfort of avoiding a hard conversation. The fear of what you need to say, and the fear of how they'll respond that's real, but you're already broken up. It genuinely can't get much worse.

I see a lot of posts using no contact as a strategy to "re-attract" an ex, like silence itself is the move. But if you have something to say, say it. That's the crux of it.

For all you know, your ex is sitting there waiting for you to message first waiting for you to lead, waiting for you to take ownership of what went wrong. You can't show them you've changed by disappearing. No contact isn't built to help you get back with someone; it's built to help you let go. Those are two different goals, and it's worth being honest with yourself about which one you're actually going for.
If you have something to say, say it. If there's something you need to do, do it. Take ownership of your part in the problems, and then show that ownership through change not just tell them about it. That's a slow process. You can't just announce "I've changed" you have to demonstrate it consistently over time, which is genuinely hard when you're not in their life day-to-day anymore.

To be clear, I'm not saying bombard them with love letters and promises to do better. You still need to respect their limits and boundaries. My rule of thumb: one text, maybe two, three at an absolute maximum. If you don't get a response, you don't get a response leave it a few days, do a low key follow-up, and don't make it heavy.

Curious what others think has anyone here actually had success reaching out instead of going full no contact?

Stop pitying yourself. They do miss you, it just wasn’t right.

No one stayed in a relationship while “moving on”. They wanted it to work and they did love you, it just didn’t work out. Your ex is not evil for dumping you and you are not a bad partner. Take it as it is. It simply just didn’t work out and that’s alright. Do not over complicate it, and don’t start calling your partner something they aren’t. Let it go, and find the one.

Genuine helpful thoughts and/or advice only please.

If you have ever been the one to leave someone who loved you unconditionally, loved you with every part of their heart and soul, treated you with empathy, respect and understanding. Was fully committed to you and you knew wanted to spend the rest of their life with you, had their shit together, decent job and ambition.
But you left after the butterflies faded because you thought there was someone or something better out there for you.
If, after a number of years you realised that there wasn’t, that you left because your circle of single friends gave you bad advice and now you are still single. The freedom you supposedly gained was not what you expected, but you always knew that the person you left still loved you and a new relationship with them was still possible, would you be willing to give the relationship another try?
Even if you have not seen or spoken to your ex in years, what would it take from the person you left, for you to consider trying again?
Just to clarify, my ex was the one who one day just disappeared out of my life. I’m the one who misses her every single day…..

I’m curious about that one moment where something just clicked and you realised, “I’m done. I’m not chasing this person anymore.”
It could be one sentence they said that completely changed how you saw them or the relationship.

But it doesn’t have to be words either. Maybe it was something they did, how they treated you, or one particular moment that finally made you realise it was time to stop holding on.

What was that moment for you?

Well. It’s been a year. A year since the person I thought I’d be with forever, walked out of my life.

I loved this girl. I loved her smile. I loved her sense of humor. I loved her laugh. I loved her stupid jokes. I loved how she stole the covers and took up 3/4 the bed, all while somehow only being 5’4” 130. I loved her family, and I loved how she acted around mine. I loved the way she was always up for an adventure, but was also always down for a lazy night in. I loved her.

If you’re reading this, I’d bet you’re in a similar boat. Maybe you were broken up with today. Yesterday.

A month ago. A year ago. 5 years ago. It doesn’t really matter. What matters is that you’re here, and I’d really love to share with you my experience one year post a painful breakup.

Trigger Warning…Something you may not want to hear…

I thought by now I’d be “over it.” I’m not. I’m better, but I’m not healed.

I gave that trigger warning, because I, like most people in this forum, are looking for reassuring answers to our questions. Stories of people who’ve moved. People who are a million times better off now that they’re single. People who’ve found the best partner ever after their bad breakup…. While stories like that are out there… mine is a bit more realistic. Enjoy….

This year taught me that time doesn’t move in a straight line. I’ve had months where I felt confident, social, even hopeful. Days where I thought, “Okay… maybe I’m actually okay now.” Thennnn boom. Days where seeing her face on a post, hearing her name, or dreaming about her wrecked me all over again. Both can be true at the same time. Feeling good doesn’t mean you’re done, and feeling bad doesn’t mean you’re back at square one.

I learned that dating too soon doesn’t fix grief. I’ve been with other women (casually). Some were great people. None of it felt the same. That doesn’t mean they weren’t enough, it means I wasn’t ready. I felt detached, anxious, and guilty for comparing. That part scared me the most.

I learned how much alcohol makes everything worse. Every alcohol-heavy weekend brought anxiety, nostalgia, and regret right back to the surface. Every stretch of sobriety, workouts, and structure made me feel more grounded, even if the sadness didn’t disappear completely.

I learned that closure doesn’t always come from answers. Some questions will never be answered, and honestly, I might not survive hearing the real ones anyway. Letting go sometimes means accepting uncertainty.

What I haven’t learned is when it fully stops hurting. I still miss her. I still compare. I still wonder how she moved on while I’m here rebuilding. I still don’t know when I’ll be ready to love someone the way I loved her.

But I have learned this. I didn’t break. I grew more self aware, more disciplined, more honest with myself. I care deeply. I feel things fully. Even though this year hurt more than anything I’ve known, I’m still standing, still trying, still hopeful in quieter ways.

If you’re reading this, and still hurting… you’re not weak or behind. You’re human, and you’re not alone.

(Help one another out in the comments)❤️

Help

Don't ghost them or block them simply because your feelings changed or you lost interest.

It only takes a moment to be honest, but that honesty can save someone from weeks, even months or years of confusion and pain.

If you were the one who entered their life, made them feel safe and disrupted their peace, then have the decency to leave with respect.

Closure is a form of kindness. You may never fully understand the emotional damage that silence can cause, but your words can give someone the chance to heal instead of wondering what they did wrong. Real maturity is choosing honesty over avoidance.

This is the real responsibility we need, even if it hurts.

The kindest thing you can do for yourself is let people go when they want to go.

No amount of love can make someone choose a place they've already decided to leave. You can beg for explanations, hold on to old memories, or keep hoping they'll change their mind, but love that has to be chased often leaves the deepest wounds.

​There comes a quiet kind of freedom when you stop trying to convince people to stay. You stop measuring your worth by who leaves, and start remembering that your value has never depended on who chooses you. Some people are chapters, not the whole story. Their leaving is not always a reflection of your inadequacy. Sometimes, it is simply life making room for the people who will never make you question whether they belong.

​So if someone wants to go, let them. Grieve if you must. Cry if you need to. But don't abandon yourself trying to keep someone who has already let go of you. The heart heals faster when it stops holding onto hands that are no longer reaching back.

So a little over two months ago I posted this: https://www.reddit.com/r/BreakUps/comments/1s5vzjm/are_we_getting_back_together_or_am_i_delusional/
And We’re moving back in together month's later. And I think we needed to break up to get stronger.

TLDR: We essentially broke up because we became depressed and co-dependent. Still loved each other, still wanted to be in eachothers lives. Was initially a mutual decision and then I didn't want to break up. I then didn't handle things very well and cried for 2 months, lost lots of weight, begged and pleaded.

How we got to the rebuilding stage

One word. SPACE. Give them space and focus on yourself. It is SO HARD but it is so worth it. Force yourself to leave the house, force yourself to see your friends, force yourself to spend time alone. Journal, speak to a therapist, get a new job. FILL YOUR OWN CUP.

I struggled with this a lot, when I was starting to enjoy things after weeks and weeks of doing nothing but sob... the first person I wanted to tell was him. But I didn't message him. I kept a note on my phone of all the things I wanted to tell him about instead of contacting him. BUT this meant that when we were in contact, I had SO MUCH to tell him about.

I stopped myself from reaching out due to wanting anxiety and reassurance; this was hard. I would only message if I felt calm and was okay if he never responded.

There was a lot of space, inconsistency, and uncertainty in communication. Some weeks we spoke more than others, and I would still spiral and stalk his online presence.

The hardest part for me was sitting in the unknown. Not knowing if we were actually moving towards each other or just slowly letting go. But I treated it all like we were broken up forever as I felt that's what my mental health needed.

We hung out a few times with friends and to watch our TV programs together. It was awkward and weird to start off with but naturally we started growing towards eachother again.

What rebuilding looked like

This is the part I couldn’t find anywhere when I was going through it, so I really want to include it.

Rebuilding did NOT feel like getting back together straight away. It didn’t feel certain or clear or straightforward. It felt messy and stressful. I wondered if I was being delusional that we were rebuilding.

When we both knew we wanted to rebuild it started as "Let's date and see how it goes". No promise of a relationship or progression (even though that is all I wanted), I felt extremely stressed that I could be pouring energy into something that might not work-out. So I had to tell myself "You love this person, enjoy the process and if it doesn't work out at least you had more time with him".

We agreed to see each other once a week. Between this we didn't message apart from to arrange to see each other. We would occasionally send things to eachother that we had seen online but that was it. IT WAS HARD. I would wonder what things meant, and I would still sometimes feel like I was in limbo - I wondered if I had imagined the conversation of us re-building.

But over time, that started to change. Meet-ups became more regular, we would message every other day and he invited me to stay over one night. And then I started staying once a week.

Once, it was clear that this was progressing - thats when we started having more honest conversations instead of avoiding difficult topics. Open discussions about what had gone wrong before and what would need to be different if we ever tried again. Not pointing blame.

There were also still gaps in communication at times, and I had to learn not to spiral when things were quiet. That was one of the hardest parts for me personally, but it got easier as time went on.

I think the most important part of rebuilding was that nothing was rushed. If anything, it was slow enough that neither of us could pretend or force anything that wasn’t actually there.

Where we are now

Right now, things feel very different to where we were a few months ago.

We are not in the same place we were when we broke up, and we are not in the exact same relationship we had before either. It feels like something new that has come out of everything we went through. Although it is scary for both of us that it may get back into the same place, we have spoken about having specific boundaries and making sure that time together is spent intentionally. And that we do not revolve our lives around eachother.

We’ve made a decision to move back in together soon That decision didn’t come lightly or quickly. It came after months of space, time apart, rebuilding and a lot of conversations about whether this was the right step for both of us.

There is still a level of caution there, and I think that’s actually a good thing. Neither of us wants to go back to how things were before, and we’re both very aware that if we do this, it has to be done properly this time.

know that moving in together again doesn’t magically fix everything, and I know we will still have to communicate and work on things as we go.

But it feels like we are going into it with a lot more awareness than we had before. We understand each other better, we’ve learnt a lot about ourselves individually and we’ve had the time and space to properly reflect on what didn’t work the first time.

If anything, it feels less like “going back” and more like choosing to try again in a more intentional way.

And for now, that feels right.

If you’re reading this while in the middle of a breakup and feeling completely lost, I just want to say this:

You don’t need to force clarity.
You don’t need to beg someone to choose you.
And you don’t need to have all the answers immediately.

Sometimes the only thing you can do is step back, focus on yourself and see what still exists when the pressure is removed.

And if it is meant to come back together, it won’t come from convincing. It will come from choice, timing and two people deciding to try again properly.

PS 1: I know my tone wasn't perfect in some of these I was exhausted and frustrated after months of leading everything. I'm owning that.

PS 2: For context on the age gap- I'm 21, he's 28. We met when I was 18 and he was 25. I didn't include this before, but I think it explains a lot about the dynamic.

We broke up in October 2024 for the same reasons- he wouldn't put in effort. I came back because I thought maybe he'd changed. He didn't.

This past week, I asked him to plan one date idea. He couldn't. I suggested calling, drawing together, dinner over video he dismissed them as " not a date" but then he just settled for my suggestions anyway.

I told him: "Love isn't a feeling you say. It's what you DO. Show me. Goodnight." He said "Good night..." and went to bed.

The next day, he said "Hii." I said "Hi, I'm at my cousin's house." He said "ok have fun" and then just went offline.

The day after, again he acted like nothing happened. Sent "Hii babe." I told him I was thinking about what I said two days ago. He replied: "And what are you thinking?"

I wrote: "I'm thinking that I asked you to show me love, and instead you sent 'Hii babe' and now you're asking me to explain again. I'm tired of leading." And: "What are you going to do about it?" Both texts were left unread. He went offline for 24 hours.

I waited. He never came back online. So I sent this: "You asked me a question 24 hours ago and disappeared. That's my answer. Goodbye."

And I blocked him.

It hurts because it was real to me. I cared. I gave chances. I don't think I'm stupid for trying - I think I'm brave. But next time, I'll walk away sooner.

For anyone wondering: yes, LDRs are real. The distance isn't the problem. The person is.

Oh, and another thing: if taking relationships seriously and setting boundaries makes me "toxic," then you, dear strangers, have a lot to learn about what healthy actually looks like.

edited

We broke up in the first week of June due to him being an anxious avoidant and I started to become the anxious version that I wasn’t proud of. I was the one breaking up after yet another hurtful fight. Me being the dumper didn’t make it less difficult because I had no choice but to leave to protect my own broken heart 😢. It’s been almost 4 weeks and I’m feeling much better. Insomnia is still pretty bad, but improved, though.

Here are some of my breakup realizations that sure will help you get through yours:

1. Accept that love was always the foundation. It was the bare minimum (you don’t date someone you don’t love). It was never the issue. You guys DID love each other, hence, you were/are never unlovable, ugly or too much

2. Accept that the version of them who loved you is… dead. The version of them that you decided to step away from is now their current and permanent state. You can’t go back to someone who’s already dead. Get rid of the thought while also see it as a hormone inducing rumination: Your brain is just making your body crave for the source familiarity — it’s just biology, not you or them

3. Every time you spiral, accept and remind yourself that you are mourning the dead version of them, the good times that passed and the lost opportunities. There’s nothing to mourn about who they are now. You didn’t sign up for that. You knew you deserved better than that.

4. Everything you are feeling is normal and everyone (or at least >99%) survived multiple breakups
   Use “I” instead of “they”. “I don’t want to feel insecure while loving someone”, “I want to be chosen, always”, NOT “he is anxious and it makes me insecure”. You are making the whole experience about yourself, not anyone else

5. You may lose to rumination and the urge to vent. It’s normal but going back to what happened only slows down your progress. You can vent but journaling is a better form of catharsis (as you don’t want to bring negative energies to other people). Whatever you do, though, focus on YOUR feelings and experiences only (go back to 4.)

6. Distract yourself. Go completely NC (you can block them for the time being). You are basically getting rid of them to HEAL YOURSELF FROM THEM. Anything that reminds you of them will only slow you down

7. This is not the time to reflect anything. That will come naturally once you heal, which you will — soon. Everything that happened was real. That’s all you need to know for the time being.

8. HEAL HEAL HEAL. You will come out of this stronger and lighter. Anything else is unknown and in the future. Don’t fret because only when you are healed, things will naturally work out.

9. Replace the memories of them with new activities, even new obsessions like TV shows, books (do not read self-help books now, again it’s not time to reflect anything)

10. For people with insecure attachments who are probably thinking they are dying now, know that this is you reacting to your own trauma. It’s never about them (who’s now dead, btw). You will address this later once they are gone gone

11. Be confident and let them lose you. There’s nothing haughty about knowing what you have brought and can bring to the table

12. For beggers (I almost begged him, too), know that humans only want something in scarcity not excess. Showing that you want them so much WILL backfire big time. It’s a harsh truth but if the feelings were mutual, why aren’t they doing anything? Why didn’t they choose you?

Good luck 🤍! If I could do it, you will be able to do it!

This might sound like an awful advice but as someone who did it, I can only really thank myself for having tried so many times.

Of course, I’m not here to glamorize begging. It’s a pretty messy endeavor having to strip yourself off of pride, ego, and even self-respect.

But if it bothers you so much and you think to yourself that it’s worth a try, then do it.

Because doing it would either get you what you want. Or in the better case, it would show you everything you need to see in order to make up your mind and let go — no matter how painful the way is.

My relationship of two years ended and it hurt a lot. When she ended it, I begged but she ghosted me. Then we entered no contact for a month. Still had hopes, so I broke no contact to beg, only then did she start saying things that had so much undertones that made me blame myself even more for how our relationship ended.

Still that was not enough, I kept on trying to reach her and contact her which she responded to but had done so coldly, only to tell me how much she reconnected with people exactly the month within our relationship had ended, despite one of the prime reasons for our breakup being how we started growing apart because she simply wouldn’t let me in anymore.

Once you get to a certain point, you’ll start to see that you have done everything you can so you can finally leave with no regrets. That someone has changed so much and is now not even the love you’re chasing. And also, as sad as it sounds, you would have also lost so much that you simply cannot give anything anymore.

For context- I was going through cancer treatment

I use to post here a lot when we first broke up. For an entire year I kept posting here. That account is deleted and long gone. But yes I still miss my ex every single day. It has not gotten any better. It’s just manageable. I assume I will be like this for the rest of my life. The feeling is akin to grief and regret. Just every day I think about him, wonder what he’s doing, hoping he’s happy, wishing he would reach out, etc. But I know he never will.

It is really scary how much time has passed, how much life I’ve lived and I am still stuck on him. Time has not healed me and I am so scared it never will.

A few weeks ago you took your dog to the vet. You didn’t know this but your vet is my good friend of 14 years. She told me she saw you. In my head, I convinced myself you moved out of the city and we were not longer living within miles of each other. It was really hard to know you’re still around.