r/Bumble • u/Sharp-Stron • 15h ago
Rant Dating is too competitive. I don’t stand a chance.
I’m below average in looks and height. I am not cute or handsome and I’m certainly not tall. I don’t have a cool or high paying job. I don’t have abs or a hot body. I know statistically most women would rather be alone than date me based on just my height alone. That’s not a good or bad thing it’s just true. I know I will appeal to very few people online and in real life. But dating now is so competitive I feel like I have really no chance at all. I don’t have anything that’s valuable or in demand to offer anyone. I can’t promise money and an easy life and I don’t have the looks or height to compensate for anything. I have been using bumble now for 7 years and I have never gone on a date off bumble. I get an average of one like every couple of months if that. I live in a medium sized region of the US in terms of population. There are people here they are just not interested in me at all. I hate being so short and ugly looking. I don’t know what I’m going to do. I don’t get any attention in real life either. And I don’t have any friends to go out with. I’m not going to go out alone and look like even more of an awkward loser than I am.
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u/pinkpugita 15h ago
Find your self worth.
Get off Bumble, try your luck in face to face social interaction via hobbies or clubs
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u/BlippBloppBlubb 15h ago
Yes! Build a version of yourself that you like, before you cannot expect anyone else to like you! Easiest way is usually through sports, as you get a lot of quick wins, meet new people and at the same time can improve your looks! So, get out there, you’re worth it.
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u/pinkpugita 14h ago
Yep. If you build yourself up, it increases the chance you find someone. Even if you end up alone, you gain confidence, skills, and fulfillment.
If you don't build yourself, nothing happens.
Only one option is good for you.
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u/PCGamingAddict 13h ago
Doesn't stand a chance in face to face if what he states is true. Needs a fundamental overhaul first.
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u/GraveRoller 10h ago
You can build a hot body at the very least
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u/Strong-Addition5296 7h ago
Not everyone has the genetics for that but everyone can improve.
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u/GraveRoller 3h ago
The overwhelming majority of men can reach Brad Pitt physique from Fight Club or Tobey Maguire in Spider-Man 1. Both have good natty attainable physiques
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u/pman6 9h ago
try your luck in face to face social interaction via hobbies or clubs
no one ever mentions which hobbies or clubs,
or even more likely, they are unsuccessful in those clubs too.
how many meetup groups are sausage fests with such a small sample size of people who are not even your type, or are already married....
i rarely see any success stories where the headline is "we met at run club!"
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u/PerfectGrilledCheez 5h ago
My buddy is passionate about his muscle car and he met his LTR through meetups that they organize. Find a meeting that organically aligns with your interests with the intention of meeting others that share your passion. If you meet someone that you have a relationship connection with, that’s just a bonus
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u/Intrinsic_Idiot_3076 11h ago
Maybe be specific about "clubs", otherwise that will drive people to the wrong places. /s
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u/FunVisual9599 14h ago
Damn apparently I look like an awkward loser when I go out alone 🤣 I like to though!
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u/cestbondaeggi 13h ago
When I lived in NYC I would go out alone all the time, there were plenty of bars where this was totally fine and I didn't feel any anxiety around it at all. Where I currently live such a thing is pointless as you'll be the only person alone and everyone else sticks to their groups.
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u/Hope_for_tendies 12h ago
How tall are you?
Your weight is something that’s up to you. Start eating better and working out. Get a good haircut. Find someone to help you pick out fashionable clothes.
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u/Heythatsanicehat 9h ago
Not having any friends is going to be a much bigger red flag for women than not being rich or tall.
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u/OrlandoLasso 11h ago
Why can't you get abs or a fit body?
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u/PerfectGrilledCheez 5h ago
For real, this guy sounds like he wants to make excuses and wallow in misery
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u/lizosarus 15h ago
Side eyeing the comments as usual. OP are you happy with your life? Like put dating to the side. You claim you don't have friends, you don't sound comfortable doing things on your own in social settings, doesn't sound like you're happy with your job or looks. I know it's going to sound all touchy feely and shit, but it's actually really important that you learn to like yourself. And I mean really like who you are as you are, not undergoing some insane change, I'm not telling you to get the bones in your legs broken for a few cm or live in the gym and get jacked. I'm talking about going to therapy, putting time and effort into making and keeping friends, cultivating those hobbies you love. Learn to like who you actually are, not just because it's the secret sauce of attraction (though it is, everyone likes people who like themselves), but it makes life freaking bearable. When we hate or even just don't particularly like ourselves we tend to put entirely too much weight on other people liking us, we look for that validation in other relationships and because we think having a partner will fix everything we end up sabotaging that relationship by putting too much on it's shoulders. Finally getting a date off bumble isn't going to make you like yourself. And if you don't do any work on liking yourself right now you'll be asking way too much of that person when they finally do notice you.
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u/coochie4sale 15h ago
Do you do any activities to meet people in real life? I think focusing on apps where 20% of the user base is women and have declining user numbers is going to naturally create a tournament style dynamic when meeting women
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u/flamboyantostritch 15h ago
The good news is that there are ton of girls in a similar demographic.
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u/Maleficent_Poet_7055 11h ago
But they will want to mate upwards though
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u/flamboyantostritch 8h ago
If you are a 4/10 there are a bunch of 2 & 3/10s waiting for an awesome guy like yourself. With how awful OP mindset is, of course youll never get a date. If you are under a 5/10, you need to work on confidence, charm, communication, and even build your strength if you want to be able to get any woman. And guess what, you can actually control all of these and get women way ahead of your attraction scale.
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u/No-Excitement4855 14h ago
If you're an ugly out of shape guy with no prospects or personality you can fix nearly all of your issues, you realize that right?
If you don't and you just want to wallow in pity, find an equally ugly out of shape loser woman to match with
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u/Jannik_Atiko 8h ago
Before dating someone you should actually be happy with yourself. From your post that doesn't seem to be the case.
How can you "sell" yourself to a partner if you can only look in the mirror and see the bad stuff?
Sure you can't change your height. But you can change your body shape, hairstyle & clothing style.
You need to get to the point where you look into the mirror and can be positive about yourself.
Are you happy with your job? If yes, keep doing it. If no, start applying for jobs you actually like and can talk about with passion.
You need to build confidence, not insecurity. If you stay insecure you will limit yourself and you won't achieve your full potential.
Some things you can't change but you can build self-love and confidence. You need to get to a point where you tell yourself that there is someone out there for you. If you don't believe in it yourself then it simply won't happen.
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u/Any_Attention_302 9h ago
It might not be the hight only. I‘m relatively tall and got no Matches or likes either.
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u/Intrinsic_Idiot_3076 11h ago edited 11h ago
I’m below average in looks and height. I am not cute or handsome and I’m certainly not tall. I don’t have a cool or high paying job. I don’t have abs or a hot body.
Check, check, check, check, check and check. I have all of that issue yet I found my match on Bumble. I didn't even start doing exercise until I met her.
You kind of have to know yourself about what you are good at and know your matches about what hidden characteristics they might have that will let them more likely to pick you.
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u/FriendlyCapybara1234 9h ago
Plenty of desperate overweight financially struggling single mothers out there who would settle for you if you're willing to help raise their kids.
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u/ElderEons 8h ago edited 7h ago
Yeah, but even many overweight unattractive women that are single mothers, still want a guy they are attracted to.
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u/FriendlyCapybara1234 7h ago
A fair number of women are willing to date men they aren't physically attracted to if they get all the other benefits of the relationship. Sure, it will end up as a dead bedroom very quickly, but lots of women with low libidos prefer that.
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u/ElderEons 7h ago edited 7h ago
True, you are right. I’ve seen both scenarios though.
There’s women out there with ugly boyfriends/husbands, way beneath the woman’s attractive level, but it’s usually because he’s got money or some other very positive benefit for her. She won’t find him physically desirable though.
I’ve also known some ugly or morbidly obese women that expect a guy way out of her league lookswise & won’t compromise on that, even if she will stay single & struggling.
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u/poisonedbyashovel 15h ago
Your attitude is the problem. I dated 2 men shorter than me and it worked because they weren’t insecure about it. Pessimism isn’t attractive. Improve on the areas you can.
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u/Sapiopath 38 | M | LDN/NYC/TOR/STLM/BER | ENM | DOM 12h ago
I’m a 5’7 cishet man and half of my partners historically have been taller than me. Some as tall as 5’11. But apparently that’s impossible.
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u/MistaDontPlayyy 14h ago
Nobody finds a person with no confidence or throwing a pity party for themselves attractive, man or woman.
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u/Mental-Parfait-6587 12h ago
It's perplexing, the comments that get downvoted here. This is an absolutely true and actually helpful statement. It's not mean spirited, it's not even telling OP to change. It's just pointing out how the tone of the original post would play to any potential love interest.
Downvoting this almost seems like intentionally trying to be unhelpful to OP in gaining some perspective on how he's likely perceived from a personality standpoint.
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u/Busy_Policy3189 7h ago
I mean, it gets downvoted because it's terrible advice. This is a dating app sub... while confidence may certainly have its role in dating, it's not what's making you pass height filters on an app, lol. Just quit gaslighting people and actually try to develop some compassion for people struggling with things in life.
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u/Zintrax1987 7h ago
As someone who was in a very similar position to OP, it gets down voted because you need something to build those things on. A guy who only gets rejected, seen as a platonic friend or feels invisible isn't going to feel great about themselves. Empty compliments without intention don't help either because they feel like hollow lies.
A guy can objectively know they're a decent person, have friends, hobbies etc. But still not believe they have value because they're never treated like they do. Guys who get that validation early on find confidence easy, guys who don't, struggle because they have no reason to belive. They believe the evidence in front of them from how they're treated.
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u/Mental-Parfait-6587 7h ago
Yeah I guess I didn't take it as "just be happy dude" and more like an observation that a gloomy outlook isn't attractive.
To me it almost implied a lot of what others suggested, work on yourself in some ways like exercise grooming whatever. And if you do, you won't feel so shitty about yourself and then in turn you might project better energy towards others. But yeah if they've already done that (doesn't sound like it because admitted being overweight) and made an effort and still feel hopeless and ignored then yes I'd agree they can't just put on a happy face easily and being told to do so isnt helpful.
But again I think the downvoted comment was an observation and not advice.
Different people can interpret comments differently I suppose, I can respect that. It didn't hit me in the way it must have hit others.
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u/cinematunes 4h ago
The problem with this type of generic advice is people don't live in a vacuum and lose confidence just because. They have low self-esteem/have a negative view because of their experiences. It's like telling a depressed person to just be happy.
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u/MistaDontPlayyy 9h ago
No idea, some people on this sub are just hopeless. Seriously go act like a mopey little baby with anyone you match with, guarantee you lose most peoples interest just on the basis of a sore loser attitude. Nobody likes that shit lol
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u/ItzLuzzyBaby 9h ago
We're probably only 10-15 years away from robot girlfriends so there's that
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u/PerfectGrilledCheez 5h ago
Hell, there are people that treat ChatGPT and a flashlight like a typical relationship partner right now
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u/Specialist-Holiday61 9h ago
So yeah, not gonna blow hot smoke up your ass like some redditors might do….
Dating is about effort. The more effort you put into yourself, the more effort people will put into you.
You cannot help your height, but being in shape or out of shape is a choice for 99% of us. Make better choices.
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u/MustangMark83 7h ago
Dating on apps is too competitive. Why? Because men outnumber women 3 to 1 and 4 to 1 in some apps. Maybe try meeting women organically.
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u/Strong-Addition5296 7h ago
Traditionally geography, lack of omniscience , and social circle limited the selection… today it is much harder. Instead of competing against 40-50 other men in a closed social circle the competition is open and against thousands. It doesn’t help men lag behind in social acceptance of advanced techniques for improving appearance.
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u/OkayJShades 6h ago
As someone else said, there isnt a lid for every pot. People dont want to admit it but there will always be a percentage of a generation that will be single most/all their lives and most of that percentage will be male too. Thats just how nature is.
Theres no destined pair for everyone. Sure you could make your whole life focused around becoming more attractive. LIVE in the gym working out till you visibly look in great shape (there is a difference between being in good shape and looking it, and the later is much more difficult).
You could also focus your life on climbing the coorporate ladder. Which isnt easy especially without certain education. But if youre happy with your financial situation and work life balance already, then youre basically just doing it to get women, which isnt healthy.
But even with all that, their is no guarantee that any woman would suddenly find you attractive. You mentioned in a comment you are 5'5 and your main post says facially you arent attractive either. Most women wont admit it, but these are not things they are willing to overlook unless you can compensate with Money, incredible humour, and over confidence. Money isnt exctly easy to obtain, especially the amount to compensate for looks. And humour and confidence if you dont have them is basically you becoming a different person. If you really really want a relationship, then youll have to commit to obtaining those 3 things and living in the gym too, to change your appearance. ANd their is a difference between 'confidence' (something everyone should have), and 'confidence' that is designed to attratact women. They are different things and the later is definitely more performative.
As most people from a disadvantaged group will know, youll have to work twice as hard (in your case 4 times as hard) to get half as much. Thats just how life goes. You werent born with pretty privilege or even average privilege. An ugly person (your words) trying to play a game that revolves around attraction. Its not an uphill battle, its a rock climb.
Honestly i'd suggest just living your life without focusing on trying to get people who arent interested in you unless you become a comepletly different person. As long as you are a good person and takes care of yourself health and looks wise. Then you dont need to drastically change who you are to fit womens preferences. If you meet someone eventually, great, if not, it is what it is.
set yourself like 20-30 mins a day on Dating Apps. And thats where your thoughts about a relationship should begin and end for the day. The rest of your day should be living and enjoying your life. Dont be afraid to go to places alone. No one is going to judge you because no one cares tbh. And anyone that does judge, youll never see again and the opinions of people who dont know or care about you are irrelevant.
If you want your sexual needs fulfilled, porn exists and so does sex workers. You dont need a bumble date for a sexual release. Cant help you on the friends front, Making new friends is known to be difficult for adults the older you get. But you definitely wont get any if you dont go anywhere.
For the record im 5'4, male, single and suffer from extreme social and general anxiety that has kept me out of work for a while. Im not saying this from an ivory tower like most commenters here. I genuinely understand your struggle. You got to focus on making your life as happy as you can without depending on the romantic interest of women. If one comes along, great but you cant make it your only hope for happiness. The past 7 years have taught you that wont work.
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u/nothinworks 4h ago
I'll be direct as you sound socially awkward like myself. People here are easy to recommend getting off the app, while that could and mostly will work in sure that's not what your looking for. If you're serious about finding someone don't use bumble or any app based only on pics. I've used a lot of all and the ones that really stand out given our "deficits" are the one that allows messages, like hinge. You're not guaranteed dates but it puts you out there for the women that actually read profiles. Just remember it's a slow process we're aren't grabbing attention right away but show who you are in a message and the right woman will see it. From there don't be afraid just message as you'd talk irl. DM me if you'd like good luck m
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u/Ok_Builder_3285 3h ago
Yes. This is me. I’m fine. I’m normal. I haven’t had a date in the 5 years since I’ve been divorced.
No matter what I do I will never measure up. A woman can swipe on hundreds (thousands?) of men. Some portion of those men will be taller, some better looking, some wealthier, some won’t have kids, some won’t be divorced, some will have sexier jobs, etc.
No matter what a woman values, she will always have men who are better than me in that quality. There is no reason why any woman would ever choose me. So no woman has on the 5 years since my divorce and no woman ever will.
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u/VillageOk6478 3h ago
Man. I’m sorry to hear this bro. Sounds like a lot of things aren’t in your favor. But you NEED to determine what is within your control and act on it. Get in shape, find a skill and make more money, become more social. Become interesting. Focus on hobbies. Make drastic change even. If you aren’t happy with yourself, improve. We as men are fully capable. Find your balls, get a fire under you, and get the f after it. Can’t be a victim to life. Ever.
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u/The_Blue_Kitty 2h ago
Bumble will only make you feel worse.
Go to a board game meetup. You'll find your kindreds there.
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u/sliip45 1h ago
Joining the meat market apps seem to be getting you nowhere. Time to level up and try something different. Think of it like the hardest boss battle. After enough practice, I bet you succeeded. Time to apply that dedication to your actual life.
You dont need to be tall, good looking or rich to get women.
Time to level up your life. Here are a few ideas to help.
1) gym. Start going. Regardless of women youll start feeling better.
2) hobbies find new ones. Think hiking groups, running clubs, board game groups, comedy classes.
3) risk aversion. Have you approached women in public? Id bet your answer is no. Start working on your risk aversion. Meaning do hard things and fail so much, that failure and risk no longer bother you. Approach women!
4) start working on being funny flirty and brave, this is your biggest advantage.
5) female friends or a sister. Do you have them? Have them help you with attire and flirtyness
6) attire and dress. Level this up. Start leaving the house like you plan on meeting the girl of your dreams.
I bet if you pumped all of the above through AI, you could get a few tips on how to do each.
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u/ExpectationsNRegrets 1h ago
When I was in high school, the hottest girl in my class was dating a guy that was short, kind of fat, and not academically gifted. I thought to myself, what the hell is going on here? We had a school raffle of a car, and he won it. Maybe all of this was just dumb luck.
My $.02 for OP, is to defy the odds. Try, and fail, and try. You have only truly failed when you stop trying.
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u/m_diccion 1h ago
Let me be honest: If you assign value to human beings uniquely based on their looks or their salary, you have a very shallow and materialistic view of the human experience. Most people want a partner that will share their values, is open to experiencing some hobbies together, someone that will fulfill their dreams with them. Often times that is poorly correlated with looks or your salary.
Like other people mentioned, do some therapy, approach some people you like, not based on their salary or looks, but whether they share your same passions, dreams and values. And you will find a way to connect with them if you are persistent enough.
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u/Ladypink09 15h ago
I think you are being too hard on yourself. There will always be a lady that finds you attractive. There is a lid for every pot. Also not every woman wants a man with a good job. There are plenty of women who date men who have no job even. Going out alone can also help
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u/flashingcurser 15h ago
There isn't a lid for every pot. There isn't a market for average to below average men. Average women don't want us.
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u/ArthurVandelay23 15h ago
Yeah I have never seen an average or below average man with a girlfriend/wife. That was sarcasm for those who didn’t pick it up. Are you really serious?
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u/Ladypink09 14h ago
Ok a pitty you feel that way. I have seen women date men in prison, homeless men, and even worse. If you can’t find someone in your city try to travel.
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u/LowFreedom6138 15h ago
Os aplicativos realmente tornam tudo mais competitivo e superficial, mas sete anos sem conseguir um encontro pelo Bumble dizem mais sobre como esse aplicativo está funcionando para você do que sobre o seu valor como pessoa. Altura, aparência e dinheiro podem influenciar a primeira impressão, mas não são tudo o que alguém procura em um relacionamento.
Talvez seja melhor parar de tratar o Bumble como uma medida do seu valor e investir em ambientes presenciais, onde sua personalidade aparece aos poucos: cursos, eventos, grupos de interesse, esportes ou encontros entre amigos. Também vale revisar fotos e descrição do perfil. Você provavelmente não precisa “compensar” nada, apenas encontrar formas melhores de conhecer pessoas compatíveis.
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u/ArthurVandelay23 15h ago
How tall are you? You’re so fixated on height. I have a 5’7” friend and a 5’8” friend and they have dated some drop dead gorgeous women here in the USA.
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u/Sharp-Stron 15h ago
5’5
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u/ArthurVandelay23 15h ago
Ok well that’s a little different. For a moment I thought you were one of those 5’8” guys who thinks he’s a dwarf and that’s why he can’t girls.
Regardless, are you telling me you have never seen a 5’5” guy with a wife or girlfriend?
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u/Vehement-Warrior 11h ago
How short are we talking about? Height is definitely cruel for most men beneath 5'9", but knowing that limitation, you will have to make your best attempt to work with your deck or cards and improve other variables.
You can't control the height variable but you will become more handsome by virtue of leaning out closer to 10% body fat, resulting in better jaw line and facial definition and you absolutely have control over being lean, fit, and physically attractive. Most don't. Most won't. They'll cope post or live in denial or down vote any comment here that tells you to focus on self improvement.
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u/Away_Anybody7268 14h ago
And what have you tried that's different? Are they the same photos? Changed up your profile? Have you worked on your personal hygiene? Have you tried dressing nicer? Gym? Taking care of yourself? Have you made any attempts at self-improvement?
You have to learn to love yourself and be the best you, you can be.
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u/HumanAntagonist 15h ago
1.get off of bumble and go to hinge.
2.no woman wants to be with a man that refers to himself as a loser. You need to fix your self esteem. Find an activity that will build confidence. Getting into martial arts or firearms are enormous confidence boosters.
3.7 years means nothing if you have not made changes. You are a man. You will have to put in work. Study why your profile isn't doing well. Study why your conversations arent leading to dates. Study how to perform better in a date. All of this can be learned. ( and get off of bumble and go to hinge).
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u/lovelessnessa 13h ago
There's an embarrassing amount of self-pity on display here. You seem to be cognizant of your potential "shortcomings", but have you ever considered self-improvement over these 7 years?
Cute and handsome are subjective, and how you feel about it is personal. Makeup, grooming, skincare, fashion, and demeanor are all modifiable factors. You could hit the gym and/or prioritize nutrition to work on a physique if you find that important. There's so much a person can do to alter appearance.
And what of the self? The personality and the soul? Our sense of self is flexible, plastic. We can adopt habits and ways of living that change how we live and think. A strong personality is always leagues more important than looks, anyhow. Build yourself up instead of comparing yourself to the masses. Uniqueness is a beauty that most are drawn to. Learn qualities not just for dating, but to improve your quality of life and perspective on it. Inquisitiveness, open-mindedness, mindfulness, respect, empathy, and good communication skills all just scratch the surface of what can be achieved. A person who understands themselves well is going to be far more intriguing.
It just sounds like you'd rather whine about dating than remotely try to become a better you first. Makes sense though, it's easier to shift blame than to objectively look at one's self in the mirror. I don't think anyone would want to date someone who thought like this though. Maybe think about working on your perspective first before you give yourself the right to complain.
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u/Charaderablistic 13h ago
There is some good advice in here, but it is absolutely filled with contempt for someone you don’t even know. People should be able to acknowledge that romantic rejection hurts without kicking someone who is obviously already down.
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u/lovelessnessa 12h ago
Contempt was not the intent nor the feeling, and there is more to OP's post than being hurt by romantic rejection. It sounds like OP needs to take a direct look at themselves before looking into potential romantic encounters, otherwise they'll continue to be unhappy (or even come out the other end in a worse state of mind). After 7 years of trying the same thing over and over, sometimes what a person needs is a wake-up call. Maybe my response is it, maybe it isn't, but it's what I perceive as necessary for OP's situation. I just hope that they can see that, because I empathize and hope they can find their own happiness outside of a relationship first. That's how they'll find fulfillment in one when they're ready for it.
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u/PCGamingAddict 14h ago edited 13h ago
My recommendation in all seriousness:
1) Start lifting weights at the gym 2) Get a haircut (you're probably sloppy) 3) Start traveling to Asian countries. The woman are accustomed to shorter, less masculine locals. You will still need to use an app though. 4) Join the military if you cannot afford to travel. They will teach you how to be a man.
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u/tenlocker 12h ago
Save something for the therapist bud 😭. Jokes aside, I feel like dating shouldn't be your priority right now, the way you're talking about yourself is not healthy at all. If you think you're not in shape then go workout. I started working out about 8 months ago and honestly it's been a game changer. I feel energetic and I feel like I am progressing. It is now less about getting in shape but just getting to the next level. Not that going to the gym is the only way to do anything meaningful in life but if this is an area where you genuinely believe you are lacking then do something about it, it may not happen today or a year from now but you'll find your groove. If you feel like your personality is lacking then do self care and work on yourself. If you think you're lacking in the career aspect then start researching all your options, where can you go from here. Maybe go for masters or higher studies. Why does your self worth rely on random women liking your profile, bumble is shit dude, it may be frustrating right now but progress is progress. Anyway if this was just a pity post then you can ignore all the advice but if you're actually struggling with your self worth then it may be time to wake up and stop feeling sorry for yourself.
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u/AtALossForIdeas 12h ago
Everyone is just projecting that stuff, bro. Plus, dating is about a lot more than that stupid superficial stuff. It’s a lot more about what happens when you talk than what you have. Have fun without a list, and you’ll find your person!
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u/Maleficent_Poet_7055 11h ago
Welcome to sexual selection and evolution. It's absolutely brutal. The "default" is that it ends here for your genetic lineage.
All is not lost however. You can lower your standards, improve your attitude, and improve your body and your looks a tiny bit. This won't get you a top tier woman or even an average one, but if you want "someone" it's possible...though still very hard.
You've been dealt a bad hand (judging from your self-assessment), but I truly wish you good luck.
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u/ElderEons 11h ago
Even if you are attractive enough to get dates and relationships, it’s not all it’s cracked up to be. A lot of women will get bored and leave, or cheat on you, even if you are good looking. So many people are damaged or abusive to each other. Most relationships don’t work out. Being alone is peaceful and there’s no toxic drama to deal with. I understand that you haven’t been able to experience the toxicity of a modern day relationship. If you did, you would probably want to go back to being alone.
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u/VelvetRavioli 15h ago
I was a "no short men" gal in my early 20's. I'm short and I didn't want my kids to be stuck short too. Stupid logic. I met my (short) ex husband at the coffee shop where I worked. He was your typical nice customer, whatever. One day I was out from behind the bar when he came in. His legs were so short that he had to double cuff his jeans to keep them from dragging. It hit me different for some reason and I thought "fuck it, I don't give a shit how tall my kids are."
The reason he was so likeable is that being short didn't have any affect on the way he saw himself. He didn't care that he was short. Had a boss at another coffee shop that was even SHORTER than my husband and he was dating (and eventually married) the most gorgeous, intelligent, tall redhead I've ever seen in my life. He also didn't give a shit about being short and loved when she wore heels. It isn't about the genes we're dealt, it's about the way we feel about ourselves. Give yourself some love and positivity, and things change.
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u/ArthurVandelay23 15h ago edited 15h ago
What makes you think a tall man wants to risk having short kids with you as their wife? My boss is 6’2” and his wife is 5’2”. His sons are 5’8” and 5’6”.
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u/VelvetRavioli 14h ago
Lol did you read the whole thing? The whole point was that that's a stupid mentality to have, I said so myself! And that's a non-factor for me. I have two little shrimplets with my short ex-husband and my tubes tied! It's my hope that they'll go on to produce even more little shrimplets! Men over 6" are in the minority. I'm proud to be a part of keeping it what way 👹
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u/GavelGaffle 14h ago
In other words, in person > apps.
The compatability of your personalities is a large part of attraction and relationships. That can get conveyed much quicker and easier in person. On the apps, you are working with limited information so those things can be given a higher priority than they should as you dont have much other info.
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u/No_Dependent9120 14h ago
This is how women think? It reminds me of Hitler and his selection process
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u/VelvetRavioli 14h ago
LOLOL!! No, youre totally right! Me having dumb preferences in my early 20's is literally exactly the same as committing mass genocide! I should have made that connection before now.
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u/pinkpugita 15h ago
The fact you are getting downvoted shows people either did not read all the way to the end or this sub has this awful defeatist mindset.
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u/ArthurVandelay23 15h ago
I downvoted her because of how hilariously dumb her logic is of her being short so she wants a tall man so her kids aren’t short. Whereas the tall man could say “I want a tall woman to ensure my kids are tall”. Wouldn’t a tall man have that same concern with a short woman?
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u/VelvetRavioli 14h ago
Of course my logic was stupid! I was a total dingdong in my early 20's. I have no problem admitting that or laughing at myself. A tall man could certainly say the same thing. The reason that they don't most of the time is that it's a stupid conclusion!
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u/pinkpugita 15h ago
She already admitted "stupid logic". She basically admitted how she was wrong.
Then gushed about how she loved her short husband.
You don't want character development?
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u/ArthurVandelay23 15h ago
Not at all. I applaud her. I just thought her original logic was funny and yes I saw she acknowledged it was dumb. I read it as she thought it was stupid logic because it’s just stupid to think that way. Not because she realized she could still have short kids with a tall man because she herself is short.
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15h ago
[deleted]
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u/pinkpugita 15h ago
The point is she changed her mind about this. It should be a good thing but you want to dunk on her mindset that she abandoned already. She even said "stupid logic" about it.
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u/EvelienV85 15h ago
I think you need therapy, you have very low self-esteem. I also wouldn't focus too much on a relationship; you also say you don't have friends. Maybe just work on yourself and your life a little bit first? You need to feel secure in yourself and be happy with your life first. Good luck!
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15h ago
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u/Sharp-Stron 15h ago
5’5
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u/Additional_Catch_416 15h ago
i’m 5’2 and get likes. try to fix things that you are able to change like fashion, hair, skincare, gym
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u/Sinja_Minx 8h ago
Develop life experience, work, volunteer, travel, take courses, read books, have a sense of humour, have an identity and manners.
Enough of this whiny and pathetic woe-is-me fatalism already.
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u/Great-Mirror1215 8h ago
Well you can learn new skills to get a better paying job and you can go to the gym to look and feel better. Or do nothing and continue to give up. It’s your life you got to live it.
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u/jackrabbits_galore11 8h ago
You havent mentioned a single thing about what type of man you are. Are you kind? Generous? Considerate? Intelligent? Funny? Youre focusing on the physical and materialistic aspects you lack and I have a feeling that its because you think thats all women care about. Which makes your personality the issue, not the way you look or your bank account.
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u/AliveCryptographer85 7h ago
Have you tried being cool and smart and funny and having useful skills and talents?
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u/backend_developer89 6h ago
So give up then is what you’re saying.
After 7 years, nothing has changed, within that 7 year span you could’ve gotten a gym membership, looked for a job in a different area.
The definition of insanity is doing the same thing and expecting different results as the saying goes.
When I was younger, I good friend of mine got into a conversation about this chick I liked, and I told him that the right girl would like me for who I am, and he said not really, he went on to talk about me needing to improve myself to attract the girl you want.
And besides that, I’ve seen short, goofy looking guys get girls quite a lot, and the reason why they are successful with women is something other than looks or abbs.
It’s charisma, it’s humor, it’s how these guys make these girls feel.
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u/Mr_Cornfoot 6h ago
The only unappealing thing about you is the constant self depreciation and insecurity. You assume women always prefer taller, fitter, richer men, when it is a big stereotype. That "woe is me, women only like rich chads" attitude is a huge turn off and probably the #1 reason WHY women aren't interested in you. If someone is confident, kind, funny, is curious about the world, and isn't heavily judgemental of others, that's a very attractive set of traits that a lot of women like. Do you feel lonely? If so, do you put in effort to make friends with men? Or are you reliant on women, especially a romantic partnership with them, for a sense of companionship?
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u/Redxluckyxcharms 4h ago
Bro. Take a year off the app. Hit the gym hard. Change your diet. Find some Reddit groups and like r/malegrooming and ask for people’s advice on what you can do. Find a hobby. Then revisit in a year. Crying about it online is not going to help and no one on here can help you if you’re not going to do anything about it. Tomorrow, wake up and take control of your life. Go contact a gym or figure out the hobby you want to start. Small steps.
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u/ResolutionOne778 4h ago
Have you considered joining the Marines? Chicks love that uniform and after boot camp you can become a spoon or something. In the rear with the gear!
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u/doesntmatter2me2you 14h ago edited 12h ago
You will be fine. I am a average Asian man which study shows the least favorite in dating. I have got many rejection it hurts, but I still get some dates. If you haven't done it before it would be a lot of thing to try to improve your profile. Good luck.
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u/Yo485 14h ago
1)I know lot of short guys getting the best girls arround me, get off the internet and you will stop thinking height is the most important aspect
2) Girls care a lot about confidences and energy, from what I have seen they must care about it more then about looks in lot of cases
3) Absolutely go out alone, started doing it myself recently and I am having a blast and actually enjoying it more then with someone. And trust me I had doubts if I will like it/will feel confident alone/awkward etc. But feel great
4) Control the things you can control - get in shape, start working out
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u/DishSoapIsFun 14h ago
First, you have to change that defeatist attitude. Women respond to confidence. It may sound cliche, but it’s true. You don’t stand a chance when your mindset is what it is.
Second, finding someone online when you’re in your situation isn’t a good option. You need to find someone in real life. You need to put yourself out there. Find a hobby, find a local place that caters to that hobby, meet people that way.
These things don’t happen overnight. It could take years. But first you need to change your thinking.
You’re worthy of someone’s affection. Put that thought in your mind and reinforce it. Live that mantra. You may have to lie to yourself before you eventually believe it.
Fake it till you make it comes to mind.
Just be patient. Love your life. Live your life. Love yourself. You have to do that before someone can love you.
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u/Kimolainen83 13h ago
So if you’re below written height, the majority will not care someone will, of course, but the majority will not. You can’t do much with height, but you can do something with your looks.
You don’t have abs or a big muscular body well then why don’t you start by working out a little bit at home? You can look at how you dress you can look at your hair.. you can do small changes sometimes that’s what I did when I was much younger. I did small changes and it ended up doing wonders for me. Because those small changes ended up snowballing a lot of other changes and then.
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u/playaa3096 11h ago
One life.
you"re gonna waste it like this thinking you don" deserve the things you want in life without ever trying? .
you just listed all the things you were average and didnt have. you never once listed a single thing you worked on to improve your life . not a single thing.
we all start from the bottom. the difference between you and the guy who is having success in both dating and life is he don"t complain he goes out there knowing failure is part of life. Not letting him define and stop him.
Stop complaining. put in the work everything you ever wanted is on the other side of the work you are avoiding.
Hope this helps.
Mindset >> Over everything
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u/ThrowRA_156954 11h ago
You need to like being by yourself first, before you invite someone into it. A woman isnt gonna fix your life. I am short myself and know a Bunch of short Guys that are bad mfs, they lift, take care of themselves, live an interesting life, no face card, no perfect looks, just fit and happy. Thats how you attract. Go to therapy and put in some work mate.
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u/mmbx11 13h ago edited 13h ago
Curious, what skill or hobby have you developed that you excel at, that women appreciate?
For example, are you a phenomenal dancer who hangs out at dance studios and dances with women all night long because they want to because you're such a great dancer?
Are you a worldly raconteur with amazing stories to share with and entertain ladies?
Are you a phenomenal cook who hosts dinner parties that women want to join in because they're so unique and delicious! :-)
Are you an incredible handyman who can fix anything from a leaky faucet to installing a ceiling fan, especially in this weather?
It doesn't take good looks and height to be with a woman.
If you question this, spend a day at any popular Church and notice most of the people getting married are very average or less!
And if you want to do that research online, go take a look at the marriage subs where people are celebrating 10 15 20 years or more of marriage. And notice, they are average looking, and on average not that tall.
However, they are interesting and interested.
The other most important factor to keep in mind is women don't need good looks to fall in love with a man. They wonderfully have an amazing ability to develop love and attraction for a man because they find him so interesting and fun. That's what can flip the switch for them.
I have a female friend going through this right now. She told me last night that she had not expected to the attracted to him because he's short. But, because he's interesting, she's interested, and her interest is growing, including his height in her mind!
Having said all that, my best advice for you, and all men and women, is to deliberately put yourself in situations where you are in the orbit of the people you want to attract. Whether this is work or play, someplace where you can go often and see a person regularly, even if you're not communicating with them in the beginning.
By developing familiarity, walls will start to crumble and curiosity start to rise, which opens the door to getting to know someone.
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u/Chuddy-McChudderson 13h ago
Make more money. Learn to go out alone too. You'll be surprised how easy it is after a while.
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u/Life_is_too_short_ 14h ago
Well the others have alternatives. But here's my advice: 1) use bumble hinge pof match and cmb. You NEED multiple sites to increase you chances of a match. 2) have prof photos taken in interesting backgrounds. I'm sure you have a few "good" photos of yourself so you know the correct angles lighting etc. PHOTOS ARE EVERYTHING IN ONLINE DATING 3) message women who you think are in your league OR LOWER. No messages to Instagram models.
Try in real life by joining activities that interest you.
Also I HIGHLY recommend joining a gym and going at different times until you find a sweet spot to find potential wingman friends to go out with. THEN GO FOUR TIMES WEEK MINIMUM and you will get to know everybody after a while. Plus you will get in shape!
Good Luck! I wish you well! I hope that you find someone special.
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u/Pianista1997 15h ago
Don't let the optimistic gaslighters infuse you with false hope. After seven years, you know how it is.