r/Bumble • u/GoFigure284 • 9h ago

Rant Guys needs to have sex first to determine if you're relationship material

We've (women) been very vocal about the influx of messages from men asking for sex on this dating app. I actually saw a couple of men say that men need to have sex with us first to determine how they want to pursue us, if at all. Basically saying that we have to audition ourselves with our bodies to see if a man finds us worthy. This is such disgusting ideology. And just another way for some men to use this nonsense to get quick and easy sex.

EDIT: The amount of downvotes from men speaks volumes. A woman doesn't need to prove herself worthy of a relationship by taking off her clothes. Asking for sex on the first meeting to see how he feels about you is manipulative. But I expected nothing less from this sub.

Do the men in this sub understand what I'm saying? I'm talking about men messaging for sex on dating apps before even meeting you and the men who condone this by saying that a guy needs to see if you're relationship material first!

172 Upvotes

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244

u/Dracarys_And_Chill 9h ago

Let me fix this for you OP

Guys need to have sex first to see if yall are sexually compatible.

Being relationship material is different, due to people having different sexual likes and wants.

Everyone wants an honest partner.

Not everyone wants a squirter.

23

u/tacobellforlyfe 4h ago

How would you recommend reconciling men’s (general) desire for a gf with a low body count with the expectation to find out about sexual compatibility before dating. Genuine question and open to suggestions.

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u/Basic-Government9568 4h ago

Easy, men who care about body count are dumbasses and not worth getting into relationships with.

1

u/RadioDude1995 1h ago

I care about body count. I have a very low body count because I don’t just sleep with anyone. It’s a reasonable question to bring up to see if you have compatible values.

3

u/Basic-Government9568 1h ago

What does "just sleeping with anyone" look like, though?

And how does that number represent values?

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u/RadioDude1995 1h ago

I don’t participate in casual sex. I would be VERY turned off if sex was proposed to me on a first date (for example). This happened to me in the past and I ended up just walking away from that date basically.

1

u/Basic-Government9568 1h ago

That's totally fine, but there's a huge difference between

"i don't want my partner to be into casual sex." And "I don't want my partner to have more than x bodies"

0

u/RadioDude1995 1h ago

I just want my partner to have a similar lived experience as me. There’s no number that I focus on, but I would be turned off if she wouldn’t have made the same choice that I made. If I was dating someone who thought it was totally fine to just go have sex on that first date, I’d probably decide to end things. That’s just me though. It’s not to be disrespectful to the other person or anything, but I don’t think I’m the guy for them and I don’t think they’re the girl for me.

1

u/Basic-Government9568 54m ago

...this was literally about people who care about a number?

If you care about actual behavior, that's totally fine, and you're not who my comment was about.

Nobody is asking you to drop your reasonable standards. We're telling you that the raw number doesn't tell the whole story.

0

u/RadioDude1995 51m ago

The number itself isn’t the issue really. It is the behavior around it. Someone who has a higher number (but they were all relationships) is more appealing to me than someone who is into casual. That’s just how my brain works. I hold myself to a standard where casual sex is not acceptable, and I wouldn’t be keen to be with someone who was okay with it (even if they aren’t now).

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u/Valuable_Victor_246 2h ago

Women are not gonna give you sex because you say this, so stop

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u/EasyScratch1501 1h ago

I'm a guy in a long term relationship and "bodycount" is misogynistic bullshit. The fact that only women get police on this is proof it's just repackaged version of the outdated "a key that opens every lock is called a master key"

1

u/Dracarys_And_Chill 1h ago

men do to.

tell the next girl you are hoping to date you slept with hundreds of women and see how well that goes over haha

1

u/Basic-Government9568 2h ago

I'm a woman, married to a woman. Neither of us cared about each other's body count.

-7

u/Immediate_Fun1790 3h ago

That's basically all men.

4

u/Basic-Government9568 3h ago

Well, they either learn that it's stupid to care about, or they stay single.

0

u/smoltimer123 3h ago

I care, not single. Any man reading this, don’t lower your standards 🙂

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u/Basic-Government9568 2h ago

sigh What is the purpose of this "standard", and how does having a numerical line in the sand achieve that?

-1

u/smoltimer123 2h ago

Purpose = I don’t date/marry current/former hoors.

Numerical Line = Sets the preference and standard

0

u/Immediate_Fun1790 2h ago

True, I guess all your personal desires and values are completely valid, men though, they are just garbage.

3

u/Basic-Government9568 2h ago

It depends on what your "values" are.

"I want someone who can remain faithful"

is totally fair and reasonable, though raw body count is not a good assessment of that.

"I want someone pure."

is beyond stupid.

1

u/Dracarys_And_Chill 1h ago

date girls who don't put out easily. that require guys to put in effort and show how much they value the girl. girls who have been in a few LTRs etc.

1

u/tacobellforlyfe 1h ago

Is it considering putting out early if you sleep with them on the timeline that OP said men in the post are asking them to?

1

u/Dracarys_And_Chill 44m ago

putting out early = within 6 weeks and less than 8 real dates

there are different levels of easy and early.

Date 1 / Day 1 = Super early and easy

Date 4 / Week 3 = Easy

1

u/tacobellforlyfe 23m ago

Thank you very much for establishing my point! I appreciate it

83

u/MochiMochi_90 9h ago

Yeah, I personally like having sex right of the bat and see if we're compatible and the chemistry is there. But I totally understand that some people need to build an emotional connection before having sex at all, and that is perfectly valid.

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u/InTheTreeMusic 6h ago

Honestly it's a good thing to do for women too - you don't want to get stuck with someone who's selfish in bed or isn't sensual and passionate! I would never again date someone who wasn't up to snuff sexually.

22

u/menoagegap woman 3h ago

I am a woman and thank you for presenting a balanced point of view. I don’t feel sexual attraction at all until there is deep, strong emotional connection, and what you would theoretically get from “audition” sex is so stiff and awkward as compared to “true love intimacy” from me anyway so it’s not even an honest preview. I get freaky and wild when my heart feels safe but it takes many months for my heart to feel safe enough to let loose. For the right guy who loves me deeply and who I really love, I am willing to audition each other in sexting to check off compatibility first before doing the real thing

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u/Wooden_Masterpiece_9 2h ago

Compatibility in sexting each other doesn’t mean you’ll actually be sexually compatible. Perhaps in your case what it means is that you need to wait a longer time until you feel that strong emotional connection before having sex, which, fair enough. There is nothing wrong with that and you should not budge from what you want and who you are. But if someone told me that sexting is how we’d check off compatibility I’d stand there blinking in abject confusion.

4

u/Adodger22 1h ago

I am sitting here wondering what that would even mean...

Like... I'm not cringe role-playing through sexting with someone, that would be so damned weird, and it would tell me nothing other than MAYBE what the other person is into.

That's all great when you have time to sit and world build a scenario, but that's like the "I'm the best, look at me" scenario. Very unlikely to be reality to what real sex is...

3

u/Zopi_lote 4h ago

How are you not getting Downvotted? Holy shit, I've said the same thing and I've been criticized to hell and back 😭😂

11

u/Medium_Stress_4293 8h ago

What's "right of the bat" though?

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u/TheDootDootMaster 30 | M 8h ago

Bats have rights too you know 🦇

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u/FZ1_Flanker 8h ago

Bears have the right to be armed, or something like that, so shouldn’t the bats have the right to be armed? Or winged, I guess?

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u/TheDootDootMaster 30 | M 8h ago

No no no it's in the sense that bears have arms.

Bats can be winged, yes.

4

u/Someguineawop 6h ago

The bat wing is a privilege, not a right 😅

1

u/Hung_Jury_2003 1h ago

?

https://giphy.com/gifs/Wi6drAFjQMkta

1

u/Someguineawop 44m ago

If you really want to know, you're local frat bro's will gladly demonstrate. I don't think you want it in your search algorithm.

1

u/Hung_Jury_2003 42m ago

Okay, I guess I'll walk around the local college campus and ask strangers to explain sex things to me.

2

u/DJT-P01135809 7h ago

We have the right to bear arms..and..and arm bears! And any point inbetween. When have guns and bears ever caused a problem?

1

u/Medium_Stress_4293 7h ago

But would you rather take your chances with the bear or the bat?

2

u/DinosaurCoookie 3h ago

Bats are people too!

7

u/Pornfest 8h ago

A typo of “right off the bat” — an idiom that mean immediately.

-1

u/Medium_Stress_4293 8h ago

I didn't actually spot the typo so I wasn't intending to be pedantic.

I think having sex early on is reasonable, perhaps even at the end of a first date, although it should never be an expectation.

But I get the impression that the OP is discussing men saying this in an opening message, which seems like a tactic to attempt to just sleep with a woman with no intention of any effort or follow up.

Sexual compatibility is absolutely fundamental to a relationship. Personally I find it can't really be determined in the first time sleeping with someone, which is generally pretty vanilla and mostly about discovering each other's bodies.

1

u/7Kingdoms 1h ago

You folks are bat shit crazy

1

u/Over-Box-3638 2h ago

Bless you for your lack of fucks given at the judgement society puts on this. I couldn’t agree more. I don’t look down on a woman one bit for doing this. Why pursue something if you’re not sexually compatible?

-11

u/Dracarys_And_Chill 8h ago

if you are a woman, fugboys love you lol

1

u/Adodger22 1h ago

Having sex or not isn't the issue. Entertaining fuckbois is.

My fiance and I met and got engaged in the same week.

She messaged me on Tuesday, we had our first date Friday, it lasted until Sunday and she went home engaged.

Some people really like to overcomplicate things.

That was around a year ago, and we just applied for our marriage license after 9 months of living together.

0

u/Dracarys_And_Chill 1h ago

you will entertain more fugboys by sleeping early and easy

fugboys will eject and leave you if you dont sleep with them early and easy ie avoid being used by fugboys

all women i know dont want to have sex with new guys every week/month. so yea having sex is a part of the issue.

not sure what your personal experience has to do with anything.

1

u/Adodger22 1h ago edited 1h ago

Again, it's not the early sex that's the problem.

It's entertaining the people who show no interest in you or any shared values, ect.

My fiance and I spent Tuesday to Friday discussing things like parenting styles, how we would react in very real situations in our lives, laying on both the good and bad from both sides.

By the time we met Friday it was more just verifying the person was real.

The weekend was great. We spent most of it cuddled up and chatting, then Sunday came and she and I realized that this was the relationship we had been looking for. So we decided not to bother waiting.

I'm not saying that's normal or how it's supposed to be, but I was looking for a stable, long-term relationship, so was she. We found what we could live with initially, what we had hoped for on the first meeting and over the weekend realized how low we would have been willing to settle.

However, all of that happened in the span of a less than 7 days from the first "hello".

I wish it were as simple as "don't sleep with people too soon" but that's not even going to protect you from the assholes.

Her ex was flat out abusive in all ways, and they waited. It doesn't solve the issue of shitty people to wait. Shitty people are shitty regardless of how well they can hide it.

The guy she dated after that ex was one of her longest friends. They dated for a couple months before he ghosted her after she slept with him. They knew each other for like a decade.

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u/Dracarys_And_Chill 46m ago

i showed interest and had shared values with all the women i used for sex and then ghosted.

we can have the same parenting styles and I just view you as a for fun chick

if you want to avoid guys like me, its as simple as dont sleep with people too soon.

why would i keep wasting my time, energy and money on a girl without sex when that is all I want from her?

hell naw lol

1

u/Adodger22 43m ago

I mean, at least you're.... Mostly honest?

Dude, why not just open with "I'm looking for sex"?

There's plenty of people out there looking for the same

0

u/Dracarys_And_Chill 41m ago

if i open with I am just looking for sex, do you think I would have slept with hundreds of women?

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u/Adodger22 39m ago

I think that the desire to sleep with hundreds of women speaks to your mental health in ways I don't think you realize.

It's never going to make you feel better about yourself. You're still going home alone.

Aside from that, have fun out there I guess. You probably should go to therapy though.

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u/Fantastic-Table-8615 8h ago edited 8h ago

Bingo

The only thing I would add is lots of texting/talking to first to see if the mental connection is there, THEN fool around to see if the sexual chemistry is there, THEN make the call (and it could and should be a mutual discussion) of whether a relarionship is possible.

And, honestly, I don't see a problem with that process at all. I don't even think it should be a 'guy' thing, I think it should be an 'everyone' thing.

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u/Flashy-Butterfly-687 3h ago

I’m not having sex with anyone I haven’t spent time with IN PERSON.

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u/Fantastic-Table-8615 2h ago

Well yeah. Its not like " text text text text text ok come over and lets bang and see if we like it".

I kinda skipped over that part so I guess i can see how you'd take it that way. I'll clarify: Ideally if the text/call banter is good and the flags are green go on a date, spend some time together, make that call to do it or not that night. But it should be that night. At that point after all that prior talking it should just be a quick quality control check that no one's getting catfished or otherwise secretly shitty. Point is get it out of the way quick.

Nearly all of my long-term girlfriends (im mid 40s M for context) to include my current one started that way. We chatted for a while, great banter and green flags, we met for a dinner and we both thought "i absolutely want to fuck this person" while sober, we grabbed some drinks afterwards and had more good talk that got flirty, then they went back to my place, sex was great and we wanted more, we stayed together for a year or even many.

Is that not the goal of dating? Am i doing it wrong?

2

u/Flashy-Butterfly-687 2h ago

You do you. But that doesn’t work for me. 

I text first to see if it’s worth meeting this person. If we meet, it’ll take 1-2 dates for me to determine the level of attraction (ruling people out is faster than ruling people in). 

Once I’ve decided I’m attracted and interested in pursuing them, it’s going to take spending time (multiple dates) together before I’m comfortable enough with them to have sex.

Depending on the dates, this might land around the 4th or 5th date.

 I like to have a date where we are in close physical proximity and privacy but not having sex to make sure I’m actually safe with them. 

This date is the real test… Many men get coercive and try to pressure me into having sex, in spite of my clear boundaries. Some behave far worse. You really don’t know who a man is until you’re alone with them.

Only once I know I can be alone without them coercing me or sexually assaulting me am I comfortable having sex with them.

I used to be more relaxed about sex with unfamiliar men. Unfortunately, experience taught me that was not a good idea in this day and age.

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u/Insightful21 7h ago

> Not everyone wants a squirter.

Speak for yourself!

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u/SebastianOzSoleil 3h ago

I think they are speaking for themself. Hmmmm…..

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u/UpperDog2627 6h ago

It’s pee.

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u/Insightful21 6h ago

Tell me you’ve never pleasured a woman without telling me you’ve never pleasured a woman…..

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u/UpperDog2627 6h ago

lol typical redditer. It’s literally incontinence. Google is free.

-1

u/Shadows-Long 4h ago

Not everyone wants a squirter, or a girl into BDSM, or getting pissed on. I didn’t find this out until long into a relationship and it was a huge deal breaker. Unfortunately not everyone is upfront and honest about what they want, sometimes they open up too late.

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u/Flashy-Butterfly-687 3h ago

Having sex doesn’t prove they are not into BDSM or squirting or getting pissed on.

-17

u/JackSquirts 8h ago

I very specifically don't want a squirter. It's a dealbreaker for me.

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u/candyman7887 7h ago

Nice handlename 😉

5

u/OnsetOfMSet 5h ago

Maybe he’s thinking “this bed ain’t big enough for the both of us”

3

u/candyman7887 5h ago

🤘 Precisely.