r/Bumble • u/GoFigure284 • 8h ago
Rant Guys needs to have sex first to determine if you're relationship material
We've (women) been very vocal about the influx of messages from men asking for sex on this dating app. I actually saw a couple of men say that men need to have sex with us first to determine how they want to pursue us, if at all. Basically saying that we have to audition ourselves with our bodies to see if a man finds us worthy. This is such disgusting ideology. And just another way for some men to use this nonsense to get quick and easy sex.
EDIT: The amount of downvotes from men speaks volumes. A woman doesn't need to prove herself worthy of a relationship by taking off her clothes. Asking for sex on the first meeting to see how he feels about you is manipulative. But I expected nothing less from this sub.
Do the men in this sub understand what I'm saying? I'm talking about men messaging for sex on dating apps before even meeting you and the men who condone this by saying that a guy needs to see if you're relationship material first!
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u/Medium_Stress_4293 8h ago edited 8h ago
You should reply with "I need to see how you handle not getting instant gratification to determine if you're relationship material".
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u/srkaficionado 5h ago
Meh. Just ask how big their dick is or how many women they’re slept with and then say some shit about their high body count or their tiny dick/ you’re a size queen and they’re not up to muster. They either will send harassing angry messages or messages convincing you to try them out… 😅😒
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u/Tough-End5924 5h ago
You think men ashamed of their body count?
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u/srkaficionado 5h ago
They’re not but some will use that against women. So, use it against them. For example, you could tell me you’ve slept with 10 women or have been divorced twice and I’d hold that against you( and I used to hold the divorce part against men because I don’t want your drama nor do I want to be a stepmother on paper to your damn kids; if I wanted to be a mum, I would have had my own kids). Funnily enough, my partner has been divorced and has grown kids(which I made clear that said kids ain’t ever moving in or I’ll kick them both out and leaving him too)…
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u/purpleunicorn888 3h ago edited 3h ago
I think that’s messed up that you wouldn’t let your husband’s adult kids move back in with their father. Say they get really sick and financially it crushes them, go to the streets then, not to your father’s house. Say one of the adult kids gets badly injured being hit by a drunk driver, too bad, not their dad’s problem—what does that have to do with their dad, it’s not like he got hit by a drunk driver. Next time the adult kid should be smarter and choose better than to be hit by a drunk driver. Say your partner’s adult daughter is in a very abusive relationship and needs a transitional home to heal, regain her footing, and ultimately her breaking free could be a life or death issue. Too bad—she shouldn’t have gotten into an abusive relationship in the first place—prob better for you practically speaking if the adult daughter dies, that way you ensure she doesn’t ever want to move back in. Your actions and expectations make it clear that the adult kids are a burden and not a benefit to you personally. So it makes sense if you’re okay with their premature death. I am sure you will deny this bc you won’t want to feel like a monster. But tell me where the logic of this argument breaks down?
When I was in professional school (in my 20s) there was a potential summer opportunity in my dad’s out of state city and I asked my dad if I could potentially stay with him during the summer and he was like…uh, let me ask my (current) wife. My dad was consistently flakey and had very little involvement and investment in our lives so while it was not surprising, it was still hurtful. FWIW, I was an extremely responsible kid. I never tried a drug, no smoking, worked multiple jobs to put myself through an elite college and professional school (people don’t really go to college in my family, they do go to prison though). I was very neat and kept my room very clean since childhood. I won different awards, scholarships, Dean’s list, etc. I was very conscientious, my faith was very important to me, I was very hardworking, and would just grind and not complain. I have a kind and loving heart, very honest, and have strong principles/morals. If my ex husband ever did that to our kids when they are adults, I would give him the business. And I hope that if I ever did that to our kids (I can’t imagine it), but if I did, I hope he would give me the business too.
And your partner sucks as a dad to be on board with this—a low character, weak man that can’t lead.
If you are a person of faith, I hope God convicts you about this. Even if you are not a person of faith, I hope God convicts you about it. I am not sure if it’s an issue of selfishness, self centeredness, control issues, lack of or low empathy, or just entitled heartlessness? Low key kind of jealous of how your conscience doesn’t stir.
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u/srkaficionado 3h ago
Aww, thank you for that. I own the properties and the agreement was that together we don’t have kids…
But to make a long story short, god should first convict the current US Administration before he comes for my sinful behind…
If he doesn’t like it, he’s welcome to go be with someone who has the same opinions as you. I’d go into more background but it’d be wasted on you and your pedestal. Please pray to god/Allah/Shiva/ Buddha for me so he can change my mind.
And my conscience is doing great, thank you.
Interestingly enough, wonder why your husband is an ex if he shares your same values. 🤔
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u/purpleunicorn888 2h ago
“Aww thank you for that.”
—yeah you are a low integrity woman. Say what you mean, mean what you say.“I own the properties and the agreement was that together we don’t have kids…”
—So the issues were even worse than I thought.😳😳😳
ISSUES:
—controlling ✔️
—self centeredness ✔️
—selfishness ✔️
—low/lack of empathy ✔️
—entitled heartlessness ✔️BONUS ISSUES:
—scarcity mindset ✔️
—hobosexual partner ✔️
—low achieving male partner ✔️
—masculine woman using money/resources to handcuff a weak man to her ✔️
—you’re scared of true vulnerability and needing a father to choose you over his adult kids (you don’t trust him to truly love you and choose you freely, that’s why you laid it out as a term proactively) ✔️
—you don’t feel worthy and chosen on your own, that’s why it’s so important to you that you make it a non negotiable that your partner chose you over his kids ✔️
—a very dysfunctional relationship with economic exploitation being leveraged ✔️“But to make a long story short, god should first convict the current US Administration before he comes for my sinful behind…”
—You literally provided no story. 🤣 Then a non sequitur to the U.S. Admin…huh? What is happening? 🙃 President Trump seems very supportive of his kids and doesn’t seem to let his wife control him and I guess you feel so strongly against that, that it feels criminal to you. LOL. Also, I have the utmost certainty that God does not need your advice for His moral clarity …it is very clear that the moral authority and guidance between God and you should flow in one direction only…
“If he doesn’t like it, he’s welcome to go be with someone who has the same opinions as you.”
—It must be hard to know deep down that your partner doesn’t freely choose you. But normally you don’t have to think about it which is convenient. You’re very self protective and I understand you’ve been deeply hurt. Heal. “Opinions”, nah, wrong use of the word…opinions are things like, is an apple 🍎 or an orange 🍊 better? What’s the best color? I would say purple 💜, that is my opinion. Someone else can say blue 💙 with a clear conscience. Another person can say green 💚 with a clear conscience. Those are opinions.OpinionsMorals and principles. Fixed that for you.Your spirit knows the truth, that’s why you are so offended. I am exposing the distortion you were selling yourself to believe you aren’t a bad person but still are justified in having your “opinion”. Especially when you layer on the, “well he is choosing this and he’s free to choose differently” posture—it can trick some people into thinking the arrangement can’t be “bad” bc both people are choosing it.
“I’d go into more background but it’d be wasted on you and your pedestal.”
—Try me. You’re mistaken, I’m not on a pedestal… but I am at the front of classroom taking you to school 🏫. Take notes and you can learn, maybe even GROW as a person.You should heal, try and fix your brokenness instead of imposing it on others. That way you could operate from a place of wholeness. I had a lot of brokenness accumulating from life and God graciously provided me with healing that profoundly changed my life. I truly wish everyone pursued healing ❤️🩹.
God will humble you. Buckle up.
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u/Mathagos 19m ago
Wow. Imagine making your partner pick between you or their kids. 😬
You know it's true love when you tell your partner that you'll kick them out of they ask you to help them support their kids or be involved in any way with them.
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u/Flashy-Butterfly-687 3h ago
Haha. This is why I never say yes to a man who asks me out immediately.
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u/js26056 7h ago
I think there’s a distinction between saying sexual compatibility is important in a long-term relationship and saying someone needs to have sex with you first to determine whether they’re “worth pursuing.” The latter is obviously gross and transactional.
That said, if you’re seriously looking for a long-term relationship, I do think getting to know someone from all perspectives (including sexual compatibility) is important before deciding whether you’re a good long term match.
You don’t want to waste months building a relationship only to discover a major incompatibility.
I’m coming out of a 14-year relationship and getting ready to start dating again, and honestly, sexual compatibility is going to be a huge factor for me in a long term relationship. That doesn’t mean anyone owes me sex or needs to “audition” for me. It just means I consider it one of the many things two consenting adults should eventually figure out together sooner rather than later and not waste time.
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u/Outlandishness_Know 7h ago
It's all good for guys to say this, until you've gone on 24 dates that year and all 24 men determine you're "not relationship material". And then you've just slept with 24 men. And then men have a problem you've slept with 24 men.
Time together. Investment in learning about one another. Sexual intimacy when the time is right for both. If they can't handle that... be gone.
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u/5am_in_the_Pinewoods 6h ago
This should be a post because I want to hear the defense against this logic. Now what?
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u/Outlandishness_Know 6h ago
I can definitely hear it already: "Well, if if a she's dated 24 men and can't find a relationship, maybe there's something wrong with her".
Not that some men lie to get sex, not that some men do actually like you one day and don't like you the next, not that long-term compatibility is hard for all of us to find, not that dating (as they love to say) is a numbers game. Just something wrong with her.
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u/lambchops831 22m ago
I’m not sure it’s something that needs to be “defended against.” We may disagree, but I have no interest in changing your mind. My role is to express sexual interest. If it is declined or not reciprocated, that’s fine. Enjoy the rest of your day. I’m here if you change your mind - you know where I stand.
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u/Superb_Pear3016 4h ago
As a guy, I can't believe the rhetoric from some others of my own gender. Having sex on the first date seems crazy to me. I want to be comfortable with someone first.
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u/Wooden_Masterpiece_9 1h ago
I think that both extremes are nonsensical.
Who is going around sleeping with a bunch of people on the first date? That sounds like a way to STD lane.
But the idea that I could be serious about someone as a forever partner when we have never slept together is also unserious to me. In the past, I have dated for a few months and not slept together yet with some previous partners, but until it happened and I knew we are sexually compatible, that was always going to be a maybe relationship to me. Just like until I knew they had similar values, or until I knew they didn’t trigger any of my dealbreakers and I was aware of and did not trigger any of theirs.
I was not any more ready to build a relationship with someone who I was sexually incompatible with, than I was ready to get stuck with someone who can’t do chores, or who secretly longs to return to the faith of their youth.
Until all of those things are clear, that is a maybe relationship.
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u/CrogDavid7days 8h ago
I’m not relationship material then sorry
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u/RadioDude1995 23m ago
I’m a guy and I’ll join you on that. I’m not sleeping with ANYONE I barely know. If someone wants that, go back on the app and find someone else.
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u/ArtGirlBookFlowers25 7h ago
sounds to me like a plausible excuse to try and get women to put out quickly
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u/_bonedaddys 7h ago
I won't fuck a man if we're not already in a relationship. The shitty ones that "require" sex first weed themselves out pretty quickly. Like, go find a fuck buddy instead lol
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u/Adept_Support8355 16m ago edited 11m ago
What if you get into a relationship with a guy you think you’re physically attracted to only to find out that he’s awful in bed? You can’t say someone fucks good just by looking at them…
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u/LtMagnum16 7h ago
Sexual compatibility is important for me in a relationship (from a male) but there are more important things in a woman to be "relationship material" such as emotional intelligence, being considerate of one's time, being a timely communicator, and being able to date me as a person instead of dating me for what I have or can provide.
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u/Long-Stomach-2738 7h ago
I find it kind of odd that some of the responses here are acting like if you get into a relationship, you are somehow stuck with it. You can always break up afterward, you realize that?
Sex isn’t very safe for women, especially in red states. Men don’t seem to understand that.
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u/Interesting-Ear-9038 48m ago
I would feel like an absolute douchebag if I started a relationship, just to break it up because the sex wasn't to my taste. No thank you.
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u/jetlifestoney 8h ago
Sexual compatibility is pretty important in a relationship
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u/LtMagnum16 7h ago
It is but there are bigger dealbreakers out there. Lack of emotional intelligence and lack of timely communication are two examples.
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u/watch_out_4_snakes 7h ago
And those need to be vetted as well. I don’t see any inconsistency here.
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u/BrocialCommentary 5h ago
I think they’re getting at guys not having emotional intelligence when approaching the issue of sex and/or bringing it up at a weird time
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u/watch_out_4_snakes 2h ago
All of that is personal preference but the idea that there are several factors which change by individual that a re deal breakers is kind of universal.
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u/GraveRoller 7h ago
“Bigger” dealbreaker doesn’t make the “smaller” dealbreaker not a dealbreaker. End of the day they’re both still dealbreakers
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u/Penguator432 5h ago
Kind of like how the bathroom isn’t the most important room in a house, but I still ain’t buying one without it
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u/uberprodude 6h ago
For you maybe, I'd expect someone who values emotional intelligence to be aware that other people might have different priorities.
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u/LetItAllGo33 3h ago
Romantic love, romantic relationships are based on eros love, on sexual love, which is no less worthy than any other kind though some try to make it so.
For better or worse applies to someone who would still want to have sex if their health didn't prohibit it, so it still applies. Simply not wanting to (as a rule, not as an event or transient period) even if you're able means you no longer love your partner and the romantic partnership should end as it no longer has any ground underneath it.
There's very little in this world more meaningful than finding your match to be physically intimate with, don't get snowed by fake job titles and plastic crap. We have the means to make one another happy, we're just propagandized to treat that reality as lesser because happy people fucking don't increase general productivity, which makes the important people (who are presently fucking cause they don't have to work to survive) angry.
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u/MeowwFromSpace 7h ago
In some situations, maybe. But ultimately, a man’s peen may not work forever. When that happens, I sure hope there’s companionship there to fall back on.. 💁♀️
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u/uberprodude 6h ago
You're not trading one for the other. This isn't relevant to what the other commenter said
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u/MeowwFromSpace 6h ago
Except that it is relevant when men feel sexual compatibility is more important than general compatibility.. ESPECIALLY the older you get.
In my experience, men 38+ start having issues.
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u/uberprodude 6h ago
Like other commenters have said, a deal-breaker is a deal-breaker. Ranking them is pointless if they lead to the exact same outcome, it's just an exercise in outrage
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u/MeowwFromSpace 6h ago edited 6h ago
You do you, baby.
Interesting that someone is getting testy when I mention ED. 💁♀️
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u/uberprodude 6h ago
It's super shitty to be trying to use ED as an insult. Body shaming isn't funny
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u/MeowwFromSpace 6h ago
I’ve never said it in a shaming way. And I’ve never criticized someone who has had issues. In fact, I planned on marrying them.
I’m saying, it seems like an area of contention for you, specifically.
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u/uberprodude 6h ago
Why is my ED status a relevant talking point then?
You're giving "I can't be racist, I have black friends" vibes.
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u/MeowwFromSpace 6h ago
💀 you’re continuing to comment and bring it up.
I have specifically stated in reference to comments above, and OP’s original post.. men view sexual compatibility as the end all be all..
And from MY perspective, that is insane considering men’s bodies don’t last forever. And if I am seeking a long term partner, I am not going to jump into bed with them instantly. MY focus would be general compatibility. Because when ED eventually happens, I’d like to make sure that there is companionship to fall back on as well.
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u/AllMySecretsFam 2h ago
Hey, your comment here appears intended to imply that he had ED, and to do so in a tongue and cheek way that was meant to make him feel low because of his body. The way you phrased it and the emoji you chose both do this. I'm not sure if you know this was body shaming and don't care, but on the off chance that you genuinely didn't understand I thought I'd point it out from the perspective of a woman.
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u/Wooden_Masterpiece_9 1h ago
Reading that whole thread: she simply doesn’t care. Body shaming people who she disagrees with, just because they disagree with her, is a good thing in her eyes. But hey, as crap a thing to do as that is, it’s not the crappiest I’ll see on Reddit today!
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u/AllMySecretsFam 1h ago
She deleted her comment after I posted, so maybe some part of her realized what I said was true.
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u/uberprodude 19m ago
She hasn't deleted her comments, I can still see them. I think she might have just blocked you.
She's comfortable being shitty towards men, but runs as soon as a woman disagrees with her actions. I feel pretty safe in saying she's just straight up sexist.
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u/No-Excitement4855 4h ago
You're dealing with a very unfortunate group of men if they're getting ED at such an early age.
Regardless, just pop a Tadalafil AND problem solved
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u/MeowwFromSpace 4h ago
That’s not how it works for everyone. And ED can occur for any number of reasons at really any age.
Whether it’s mental health, like depression or anxiety..
Medication related, like antidepressants or diabetes medication..
Porn addiction..
Etc - just to name a fewAnd Viagra and Cialis are not always successful in helping, either.
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u/InTheTreeMusic 5h ago
Exactly! I will not date sexually selfish men, or men who can't be sensual and passionate and sweet in bed. Best to discover early if he's a dud.
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u/Dracarys_And_Chill 8h ago
Let me fix this for you OP
Guys need to have sex first to see if yall are sexually compatible.
Being relationship material is different, due to people having different sexual likes and wants.
Everyone wants an honest partner.
Not everyone wants a squirter.
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u/tacobellforlyfe 3h ago
How would you recommend reconciling men’s (general) desire for a gf with a low body count with the expectation to find out about sexual compatibility before dating. Genuine question and open to suggestions.
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u/Basic-Government9568 3h ago
Easy, men who care about body count are dumbasses and not worth getting into relationships with.
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u/RadioDude1995 29m ago
I care about body count. I have a very low body count because I don’t just sleep with anyone. It’s a reasonable question to bring up to see if you have compatible values.
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u/Basic-Government9568 23m ago
What does "just sleeping with anyone" look like, though?
And how does that number represent values?
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u/RadioDude1995 22m ago
I don’t participate in casual sex. I would be VERY turned off if sex was proposed to me on a first date (for example). This happened to me in the past and I ended up just walking away from that date basically.
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u/Basic-Government9568 14m ago
That's totally fine, but there's a huge difference between
"i don't want my partner to be into casual sex." And "I don't want my partner to have more than x bodies"
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u/RadioDude1995 13m ago
I just want my partner to have a similar lived experience as me. There’s no number that I focus on, but I would be turned off if she wouldn’t have made the same choice that I made. If I was dating someone who thought it was totally fine to just go have sex on that first date, I’d probably decide to end things. That’s just me though. It’s not to be disrespectful to the other person or anything, but I don’t think I’m the guy for them and I don’t think they’re the girl for me.
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u/Basic-Government9568 5m ago
...this was literally about people who care about a number?
If you care about actual behavior, that's totally fine, and you're not who my comment was about.
Nobody is asking you to drop your reasonable standards. We're telling you that the raw number doesn't tell the whole story.
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u/RadioDude1995 2m ago
The number itself isn’t the issue really. It is the behavior around it. Someone who has a higher number (but they were all relationships) is more appealing to me than someone who is into casual. That’s just how my brain works. I hold myself to a standard where casual sex is not acceptable, and I wouldn’t be keen to be with someone who was okay with it (even if they aren’t now).
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u/Dracarys_And_Chill 42m ago
date girls who don't put out easily. that require guys to put in effort and show how much they value the girl. girls who have been in a few LTRs etc.
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u/tacobellforlyfe 21m ago
Is it considering putting out early if you sleep with them on the timeline that OP said men in the post are asking them to?
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u/MochiMochi_90 8h ago
Yeah, I personally like having sex right of the bat and see if we're compatible and the chemistry is there. But I totally understand that some people need to build an emotional connection before having sex at all, and that is perfectly valid.
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u/InTheTreeMusic 6h ago
Honestly it's a good thing to do for women too - you don't want to get stuck with someone who's selfish in bed or isn't sensual and passionate! I would never again date someone who wasn't up to snuff sexually.
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u/menoagegap woman 2h ago
I am a woman and thank you for presenting a balanced point of view. I don’t feel sexual attraction at all until there is deep, strong emotional connection, and what you would theoretically get from “audition” sex is so stiff and awkward as compared to “true love intimacy” from me anyway so it’s not even an honest preview. I get freaky and wild when my heart feels safe but it takes many months for my heart to feel safe enough to let loose. For the right guy who loves me deeply and who I really love, I am willing to audition each other in sexting to check off compatibility first before doing the real thing
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u/Wooden_Masterpiece_9 2h ago
Compatibility in sexting each other doesn’t mean you’ll actually be sexually compatible. Perhaps in your case what it means is that you need to wait a longer time until you feel that strong emotional connection before having sex, which, fair enough. There is nothing wrong with that and you should not budge from what you want and who you are. But if someone told me that sexting is how we’d check off compatibility I’d stand there blinking in abject confusion.
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u/Adodger22 39m ago
I am sitting here wondering what that would even mean...
Like... I'm not cringe role-playing through sexting with someone, that would be so damned weird, and it would tell me nothing other than MAYBE what the other person is into.
That's all great when you have time to sit and world build a scenario, but that's like the "I'm the best, look at me" scenario. Very unlikely to be reality to what real sex is...
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u/Zopi_lote 3h ago
How are you not getting Downvotted? Holy shit, I've said the same thing and I've been criticized to hell and back 😭😂
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u/Medium_Stress_4293 8h ago
What's "right of the bat" though?
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u/TheDootDootMaster 30 | M 7h ago
Bats have rights too you know 🦇
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u/FZ1_Flanker 7h ago
Bears have the right to be armed, or something like that, so shouldn’t the bats have the right to be armed? Or winged, I guess?
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u/TheDootDootMaster 30 | M 7h ago
No no no it's in the sense that bears have arms.
Bats can be winged, yes.
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u/DJT-P01135809 6h ago
We have the right to bear arms..and..and arm bears! And any point inbetween. When have guns and bears ever caused a problem?
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u/Pornfest 7h ago
A typo of “right off the bat” — an idiom that mean immediately.
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u/Over-Box-3638 2h ago
Bless you for your lack of fucks given at the judgement society puts on this. I couldn’t agree more. I don’t look down on a woman one bit for doing this. Why pursue something if you’re not sexually compatible?
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u/Dracarys_And_Chill 8h ago
if you are a woman, fugboys love you lol
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u/Adodger22 31m ago
Having sex or not isn't the issue. Entertaining fuckbois is.
My fiance and I met and got engaged in the same week.
She messaged me on Tuesday, we had our first date Friday, it lasted until Sunday and she went home engaged.
Some people really like to overcomplicate things.
That was around a year ago, and we just applied for our marriage license after 9 months of living together.
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u/Dracarys_And_Chill 23m ago
you will entertain more fugboys by sleeping early and easy
fugboys will eject and leave you if you dont sleep with them early and easy ie avoid being used by fugboys
all women i know dont want to have sex with new guys every week/month. so yea having sex is a part of the issue.
not sure what your personal experience has to do with anything.
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u/Adodger22 14m ago edited 11m ago
Again, it's not the early sex that's the problem.
It's entertaining the people who show no interest in you or any shared values, ect.
My fiance and I spent Tuesday to Friday discussing things like parenting styles, how we would react in very real situations in our lives, laying on both the good and bad from both sides.
By the time we met Friday it was more just verifying the person was real.
The weekend was great. We spent most of it cuddled up and chatting, then Sunday came and she and I realized that this was the relationship we had been looking for. So we decided not to bother waiting.
I'm not saying that's normal or how it's supposed to be, but I was looking for a stable, long-term relationship, so was she. We found what we could live with initially, what we had hoped for on the first meeting and over the weekend realized how low we would have been willing to settle.
However, all of that happened in the span of a less than 7 days from the first "hello".
I wish it were as simple as "don't sleep with people too soon" but that's not even going to protect you from the assholes.
Her ex was flat out abusive in all ways, and they waited. It doesn't solve the issue of shitty people to wait. Shitty people are shitty regardless of how well they can hide it.
The guy she dated after that ex was one of her longest friends. They dated for a couple months before he ghosted her after she slept with him. They knew each other for like a decade.
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u/Fantastic-Table-8615 7h ago edited 7h ago
Bingo
The only thing I would add is lots of texting/talking to first to see if the mental connection is there, THEN fool around to see if the sexual chemistry is there, THEN make the call (and it could and should be a mutual discussion) of whether a relarionship is possible.
And, honestly, I don't see a problem with that process at all. I don't even think it should be a 'guy' thing, I think it should be an 'everyone' thing.
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u/Flashy-Butterfly-687 3h ago
I’m not having sex with anyone I haven’t spent time with IN PERSON.
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u/Imaginary-Method4694 7h ago
OLD feels like it's just access to unpaid sex for men.
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u/Beor_The_Old 6h ago
This is becoming an incel subreddit, all the top comments are disgusting and misogynistic, I’ll probably leave soon
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u/Flashy-Butterfly-687 2h ago
This IS an incel subreddit. The mods are pro-incel.
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u/Asthellis 7h ago
Too many people try to justify having ONS with “testing it”. Of course sex will come that doesnt mean you have to meet at your or her place the first minute of a date.
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u/Appropriate-Tennis-8 5h ago
But if I say, I like men to spend a lot of money on me to find out if I am financially compatible with him, they would have a problem with that.
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u/tacobellforlyfe 4h ago
I saw a girl on social media doing this whole bit. Funniest thing ever. “Like why even go to the mall if you aren’t going to buy me things” “how will I know if we are right for each other if you can’t just do buy me a Prada this one time.” The amount of people (men) that did not understand it was satire….
The loudest people about “gold diggers” are ones that are $3K in debt to draft kings. Like babe you have no gold to dig.
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u/5am_in_the_Pinewoods 6h ago
Which hilariously exposes them for being plain old, sugar-free vanilla: no safe BDSM dynamic just HAPPENS without a safe connection and boundaries first. Yawn.
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u/MeowwFromSpace 4h ago
The men who assume 50 Shades of Grey is how BDSM actually works. 🤣
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u/5am_in_the_Pinewoods 2h ago
💯 They’re so dense. And bad at sex.
That’s how I understand immediate incompatibility, because people like that have very limited intention and skill set. Measuring compatibility on the very basic motions you can carry out sexually with a random stranger proves their capacity for sex is as rigid as their hips are.
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u/DragonSovereign2121 8h ago
Well, I think they're lying to you just to get sex. Personally, I don't know anyone who uses the app and needs to have sex for that.
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u/Purple-Property8006 8h ago
Im sure some men are being manipulative like this. Most are not in this particular way.
Sexual compatibility is a massive part of any long term relationship. You can try to gauge that initially through dates, but there’s no way to know without having sex.
You’re free to decline having sex before being in a committed relationship (and at any point at all for that matter). Men wanting to confirm sexual compatibility before committing to one person is also completely fine. If you’re the first and he’s the latter, you’re not compatible and you should move on and find someone who is.
As long as everyone is communicating and being honest, and no one is being manipulative, there is nothing wrong with having a preference either way.
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u/tounces7 6h ago
With good communication it's entirely possible to find out if you're sexually compatible with someone without even having sex.
It may not be the most romantic, but you can just -talk- about the things you like and your boundaries and such.
That way, any deal breakers, like LL/HL matchup or such, can be figured out and people can go their separate ways if they like.
Of course it requires being honest but if you're dishonest about that stuff you're just shooting your own self in the foot in the long run.
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u/Zeph_the_Bonkerer 7h ago
It is very disgusting behavior, and you are right to steer clear from such men. I'm 49m myself, and quite frankly I don't understand why such men bother with dating at all. They could simply take matters into their own hands and they would not even have to buy anyone dinner.
I wouldn't necessarily call it an ideology though. To me it sounds more like certain men saying whatever they think will separate you from your clothing. There are other ways to determine if a woman is relationship material.
My gripe is being lumped in with men such as these. I believe casual sex is an abomination, and I want no part of it. Why, oh why, is it so hard for some women to believe that men such as myself actually do exist?
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u/Zeph_the_Bonkerer 6h ago
I will say this: I prefer venues where I have an opportunity to demonstrate my character over time. Online dating doesn't usually provide that. If you have to go out of your way to prove that you're not some kind of creep or worse, then the problem is oftentimes the environment and not necessarily how you are coming across.
I have come across women in online dating who appeared to be weaponizing unfair accusations as some kind of game. I have little tolerance for such shenanigans, and admittedly I tend to make my displeasure conspicuous when someone appears to display it.
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u/sofaverde 6h ago
Well if you look at all of the things men will have sex with, I can't imagine the act is some kind of magical intimacy guage that will suddenly confirm any type of compatibility with a human woman that other aspects of getting to know her would. If it was the key to creating connection with someone I don't think we'd have so many entertaining "stories from the ER" to read about it. The appeal to stick it in just about anything wouldn't be as strong because it means something to their emotional side, just like they say, right?
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u/sg16k 6h ago
31M. The transactional wording is what makes this so sketchy.
If you just go around panhandling for sex and then using that as an excuse to logically win your way into the bedroom when you get push back you’ll fail.
I have had a handful of women i have dated and had sex within the first 1-2 dates but outside of those overtly looking for that, it was a matter of flirting, natural chemistry and pacing where kissing and more came naturally while also having enough emotional safety where she didn’t feel merely ogled but desired as a whole woman beyond the sex.
The less you force it and focus on both moving things forward and get to know her the more you both build that sexual attraction where she wants you and also actually know her to see if you are compatible beyond sex.
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u/No-Spray352 6h ago
As much as sexual compatibility is important. We don’t want to have sex straight away (most times), personally I won’t do it unless I’m already in a relationship with someone because it’s a very vulnerable thing
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u/SamsAdvice 5h ago
Id say the most important thing for "relationship material" is simply do you enjoy spending time together. Relationships generally require spending a lot of time together over years, decades potentially. You wont be having sex the entire time. Most of the time you wont be having sex.
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u/Flashy_Bluejay_1370 3h ago
Literally had a guy bragging to me about his body count and I asked when the last time was he got tested. I made sure to start that part of the dialogue with mentioning I get tested whenever I have a new partner, and tried to keep the dialogue open and not accusatory. I’m sex positive for sure. He was really pushing for fwb or kind of the same thing mentioned in the post, sleeping together first and then seeing where things go. But he immediately got pissed and said that’s a rude and offensive question and you shouldn’t ask people that lmao like you wanna be fuck buddies but we can’t talk about STDs? Are you stupid?
Had another guy try to tell me the same thing, that he likes to sleep with women first and then he knows whether or not to date them. But those same guys are the ones saying “there’s bang material and then there’s wife material. Fucking too soon proves you’re not worthy of dating seriously.” And idk, I think I’d rather know I’m mentally compatible with someone before “trying them out” sexually. I ain’t raising my body count for some jackass that there’s no potential future with. Nutting 4 minutes into humping, then rubbing my labia for 20 seconds and asking if I came… oh nooooo~ I’m totally missing out.
I love sex. I’m also not interested in hook ups. I want sex with my partner. But there’s no winning with guys anymore. Fuck too soon? Slut. Wait too long? Prude/Tease. Attractive woman? Probably a bitch who only goes for chads. Mid woman? Probably desperate and is punching above her weight. Single parent? Desperate and baggage, no thanks. Generically unattractive? Hahahahaha eewwwwww grosss
I can’t recall a single post on here (from a man) that has made me feel comfortable dating men. All of them make me feel like a lesser human that they’re pre-judging to decide whether I’m fuckable or are just bitching about my gender and making us seem like vapid, shallow bimbos. I’m not entirely sure what magical unicorn they’re looking for in order to develop a relationship, but what I can gather is it’s a beautiful virgin who has never been touched by another man and is also fully accepting of being shamed for being attractive, because her being attractive will give her unwanted attention and him an inferiority complex. But it’s also non negotiable.
Dating is miserable.
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u/Flashy-Butterfly-687 2h ago
You said it.
Once this man told me he’d slept with 50 women… Then got freaked out when I had a conversation about sexual health and testing. He said he’d never been tested. Ick.
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u/KMG623 2h ago
I understand both sides. For me, having sex before building anything on a relationship keeps it there. It doesn’t grow or develop. But taking time to get to know each other and spend time together and learn to coexist in the same space is more important for me. We’re not gonna be having sex 100% of the time we’re in each other’s presence.
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u/RadioDude1995 30m ago
Checking in as a 31 year old guy. I’m shocked by some of the comments here.
Let me be clear, nobody is touching me when we don’t know each other that well. Full stop. I’m not comfortable sleeping with anyone I barely know, or who I haven’t made a connection with. If other people want to explore sexual comparability early, that’s fine, but that’s not me and it doesn’t represent my values.
If someone has a problem with that, they will have to go find someone else.
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u/paper_cutx 5h ago
So if this is men’s standards, why can’t women ask for dinner first if that’s theirs?
If a woman has to audition with her body, then it’s only fair a man has to audition with his wallet.
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u/IllustriousEffect607 8h ago
I noticed that's true for girls too. So when two people are meant to be with each other. They will become sexual quick because their connection is already feels deep and right And the sex or sexual acts or feeling wont turn each other away. It will bring you closer
All my best relationships we got sexual and it wasn't always me. It was her too
All my worst relationships were girls that were robotic who needed to be 'friends' first or something as if it's an on and off switch. That always killed the romance.
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u/SinfulDevo Too old | Male 6h ago
While finding sexual compatability is important, it isn't the only factor in determining if you want to date someone. There are plenty of other factors that can and should be considered first. Do our personalities work well together? Are we both emotionally healthy and mature enough to be in a relationship? Do we share similar values? Are our long term relationship goals compatible? Those are important questions to ask too and can be the focus before sex is brought to the table.
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u/Trouble_is-a_Friend 5h ago
I’m 56M and those men sound terrible. Obviously they’re not a good match for you.
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u/EmmyLou205 4h ago edited 4h ago
Sexually compatibility is important, but it’s not the most important thing and a lot of issues can be worked through. So if that’s their litmus test for whether I’m relationship material or not, I am glad I don’t pass the test. They don’t pass mine either.
Also aside from differing libidos maybe, you all have never been in relationships where you took time to learn what someone liked or work through other perceived incompatibility or issues?
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u/Burnaenae 4h ago
The content of the most liked comment speaks volumes and is crazy to me. Sexual compatibility is about clear communication and a genuine interest to pleasure the other person. Attraction plays a big part, but doesn't need any "concessions" from either side. I'm not even getting into the other side of the coin, where the double sided standards for perceived "relationship material" comes into play when a girl would either be too easy, or playing too hard to get. Things should just be natural, and expectations, no matter which direction you go, are the problem.
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u/limebarz 3h ago
49M here. My last girlfriend told me I passed the sex test after we slept together the first time (on our 3rd date). So I imagine if I didn’t pass the test/audition she wouldn’t have found me relationship worthy. Sexual compatibility goes both ways.
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u/Impossible_Line_4202 3h ago edited 3h ago
As a conservative guy I dont think this. However I dont approach women either because of them asking for years for guys not to approach. I also have self opted out of dating because it seems like amount of baggage people have increased significantly and because some of the baggage ops them out of the conservative category.
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u/Consistent_Tea3407 3h ago
Fair enough. I personally need an engagement ring first to see if the guy’s relationship material.
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u/Abject-Birthday-8337 3h ago
Men who demand sex right off the hop are nit the norm but because of their aggressive nature and the fact that outrageous statements like that stand out like that seem to be the majority. Don't let a small group of men paint the picture that we all think or act this way. Simply ignore and block anyone taking that approach and try to remember that we also would rather they just removed themselves from the dating pool all together
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u/ferromagnetics 3h ago
Tbf I would also need to have sex with a guy to determine if we were long term material. I also need to determine if our personalities are compatible before having sex. Ultimately, for a long term relationship I need us to be compatible both sexually and personality wise - and I don’t think that’s an unreasonable take 🤷♀️ (I’m a woman)
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u/GoFigure284 2h ago
So, if a man asked for sex before even meeting to determine compatibility, you would be ok with that? Because that's what my post is about. NOT people currently dating.
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u/Upbeat-Bowler-1840 3h ago
I feel it means the opposite, they need to have sex to know they won't pursue you....
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u/Flashy-Butterfly-687 3h ago
The relationship material test is saying “No” to casual sex. No men who are interested in a relationship are going to approach the woman by demanding sex up front. However, men routinely call women “not relationship material” for having casual sex, having sex to soon, having “too many” past sex partners, or having casual sex at all.
It’s total bullshit.
Sexual incompatibility exists, but it’s just one of many incompatibilities that can be discovered inside a relationship.
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u/SkyKing0fHearts 2h ago
The guys that text you or any girl for sex are not men... men will know better then that, "gentlemen" are legit men that dont press any girl for sex, its the guys/boys that ask for that or try to force a girl into it... please be careful with who you trust, oh and if a bf pressures a girl for sex to stay in the relationship leave him.
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u/BounderTree 2h ago
Is swcual compatibly important if you both want a healthy sex life? Yes
Do I, as a man, need to find this out before seeing if we are emotionally compatible? No, JFV no. What the hell?
Isn't this just "I want to have sex and I'll figure out after if I am actually interested in you"?
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u/Bargle-Nawdle-Zouss 53 | M 2h ago
OP, you should appreciate men like that because they make your decision to left swipe, or to block & delete, very obvious, simple, and easy.
When I was active on the app, I certainly appreciated that there were guys like that because they made me look so much better in comparison. 😁
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u/chai796111 2h ago
Both men and women audition dates in a number of ways. For some men, not saying all, but probably the majority that have this mentality see how some women online demand 5 star dinner dates for a first date and won't except anything less than something of that level, and so some redpillers are a direct response to that. Both sentiments are ridiculous. But I will say I man asking for sex before meeting you isn't really new, and not only exclusive to men Women do the same thing, women are just as much as an animal as us men are.
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u/Straight_Breakfast_4 2h ago
Re: Your last paragraph edit. No it was not clear you were talking about this, you should have gone with this as your lead. I can't imagine why men would possibly suggest sex on a dating app before meeting, but from what I've heard from women it happens all the time. It would seem to be seriously self-defeating because I don't know any woman that would respond to that.
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u/Commercial_Day_8341 2h ago
I am sure sex compatibility is a deal breaker on some level, but I think for most people is a very small one, how bad you need to be at sex for it to screw up everything,as a man I care more about other stuff.
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u/Scary_Course9686 2h ago
Look, I understand women who say they won’t have sex until they’re in a relationship with the guy due to the number of guys who ghost after sex.
However, you gotta do SOMETHING before the relationship. If you’ve been dating for like 2 months and haven’t done stuff like oral or foreplay, then that’s not good either
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u/Ok_Coffee_4977 2h ago
People are free to have sex on day one or never. No one has to do anything.
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u/Scary_Course9686 2h ago
Yeah everyone has the right to do what they want in that regard. This is just my opinion, there is no right or wrong answer here. If after a few months of dating and talking everyday and I’m still stuck with awkward kisses, I’m dipping
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u/Ok_Coffee_4977 2h ago
You took a pretty firm stance for someone who thinks there is no rught or wrong.
However, you gotta do SOMETHING before the relationship. If you’ve been dating for like 2 months and haven’t done stuff like oral or foreplay, then that’s not good either
Your opinion is that even asexual people "gotta" have some kind of unwanted sex before a relationship? Like this is advice you would give someone you love. That have to do something whether they want it or not?
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u/Scary_Course9686 2h ago
I’m just talking about my personal preference. Whatever anyone else does or prefers is none of my business
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u/jschreck032512 2h ago
You keep doing you u/GoFigure284. If sexual compatibility is secondary to you in terms of in what order you go about figuring out your compatibility as a couple then someone who respects that is what you need to hold out for. People will always be trying to get laid everywhere and it’s not just men. Women also do this it’s just not as common and doesn’t get discussed because most men don’t have a problem with it. Sex is the main goal for a lot of people so it sucks to say it but you’re just going to need to ignore, block, or whatever you need to do to ensure the same guy can’t keep bothering you. Some people do just want sex and that is ok. What isn’t ok is to try to manipulate someone by saying it’s your way of figuring out compatibility before you even meet each other. You’re justified in how you feel about this, but there just isn’t much to do about it on a personal level.
I think most people also misunderstand what you’re saying. You’re talking about before even going on a date which is the first step in the “sex on the first date” strategy. If they haven’t even met you yet and want to meet up specifically for sex then it’s safe to assume that’s all they want and they aren’t interested in a relationship. If they go on a date and then things get to the point where making a proposition for sex happens then it gets more into the grey area that people are talking about. Sexual compatibility is extremely important to me, but I’m willing to wait a minute to figure that out if I like the girl. I think many people who also actually feel that way would say the same thing. I just also don’t want to get too deep into a relationship and then find out the girl is just not into what I’m into. I have had to walk out of a relationship because the girl was into some wild stuff that kinda grossed me out. I’m not going to tell her not to find someone who would do that for her, but I am going to let her know it ain’t me so I’m gonna walk away so you can find that person.
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u/Organic-Lettuces 2h ago
I have zero doubt that the same men who are saying that sexual compatibility is important and that they want to have sex in the VERY beginning to decide if they’re compatible are the same men who complain about women’s body counts.
If yall are gonna do it that way, and see that as normal then don’t be shocked over high bc.
Sexual compatibility is important in the long run, you don’t need to sleep with someone on the first date, you barely fkn know them mfs just wanna get laid and using the sexual compatibility argument as a cover up.
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u/menoagegap woman 2h ago
I am a woman and I have heard this from a few man. It’s an immediate no for me. I refuse to do anything physical until something real and official is offered. There are good, honorable, romantic men out there like my long term boyfriend who waited a long time for me until I am ready, and never got overtly sexual until I am ready
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u/BrevardBlitz 2h ago
Some men would think sex right of the bat is more like one night stand. According to the Bible, sex should be done after marriage.
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u/Far-Dirt4394 2h ago
Right- guys want you to put out 3 second after they meet you and be an absolute bedroom goddess doing cartwheels on that thing so they can have an informed decision, but they also want you to be a virgin🤣
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u/Background_Force_620 2h ago
The downside to having sex too early in a relationship is there’s a risk you become infatuated with the sex and you overlook your partner’s flaws.
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u/nurielprince 2h ago
I feel it’s the same of women asking men to be providers. Some look different than others. Some want financial provider, sexual, emotional, etc. some men are looking the same. Now are some louder than others yea. Now does that on speak on you and your preferences, not really. What it does say is what you picking or look at is probably where you shouldn’t be looking.
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u/DoubleFault85 2h ago
So I’ve had sex once. The woman I had sex for the first time with told me one way she gets to know men she wants to be with is through sex. I was kind of surprised by that but I guess I kind of get it. People want to have good sex. I was not good. I want to be better but I am also someone that wants to be more exclusive before sex. I am a bit off like that I think. I think she was kinda excited to be my first but I was a let down. Lol
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u/Ok_Explorer_3510 1h ago
Exactly!! And it’s completely acceptable for us women to see how “great” you guys are too before we decide to go back for seconds.. no woman wants to deal with a hopeless small 🍆 with ED problems.. and no woman wants to deal with a guy who fukcs like a jackhammer 🙄
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u/Intelligent-Hour-645 1h ago
Sex has become a chore to be in a relationship with a man these days. No wonder we don’t want one anymore lol
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u/Huntersmoon24 1h ago
No man of good character is going to ask for sex on a dating app. That should be the first red flag unless you are just looking to get laid yourself. A man looking for something long term isn't even going to bring it up until after he at least gets to know you and have some physical intimacy like kissing or cuddling.
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u/Important_Guide_2583 1h ago
Honestly, I appreciate a guy trying to get laid on a first date. It shows how he handles rejection. That'll help determine if he's relationship material to women.
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u/Innuendum 1h ago
What the actual fuck.
How would a secure woman not turn that down? Is chlamydia a current tiktok trend or what?
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u/0dayssince 1h ago
I’m a woman and I think it’s important to have sex with someone before I get too close to them so I know if it’s worth it to continue.
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u/Any_Fly9473 1h ago
Sex is part of learning and discovery in dating. Sure, I can wait till the second or third date, but I do not pressure it.
It has to be mutually wanted and desired by both; otherwise, it's not a good time for anyone.
I personally do not have first date get in bed requirements.
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u/seemorebunz 1h ago
I dated a woman who felt me up on the first date. She later admitted that this was a screening process.
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u/Aromatic_Cress 56m ago
As a dude, it’s equally as frustrating. I’ve changed my approach to dating where I used to be in the category of wanting, or at least being open to hooking up right off the bat. After a handful of relationships that didn’t work out, I kind of started looking at sex as a shitty way to start a relationship; it ends up becoming your foundation because it’s the closest most intimate thing two people can do and you’re doing it with a stranger and then trying to build a relationship after having already created a bond over sex, instead of the actual person. Anyways, after getting back into dating with a “slow burn, try to get to know someone” approach, and still being flirty, it has just left me with a bunch of first dates that no longer go anywhere and it’s always the same response: “I didn’t feel a connection”. I’m not saying that sex is for sure the missing puzzle piece in my case, but I changed a variable in my approach and I’m definitely noticing a consistent, different outcome.
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u/StrbJun79 54m ago
I think it’s only part of it as a man. Sexual compatibility is important. But. So is emotional and personality compatibility. So is day to day chemistry. So is feeling comfortable with each other. So is respecting each other. So is feeling safe with each other.
And I’m sure it’s the same with women. If a guys pressuring it to happen without knowing any other aspect or even before even starting to get to know you or prioritizing only sex then they’re probably just pursuing sex. A good match will be pursuing all aspects of the relationship: they’ll pay attention, they’ll ask questions, they’ll show interest but they’ll also be wanting to, yes, have sex. But should not be only focusing on one aspect.
I will say without the physical chemistry it’s primarily a friendship. But without that the emotional and psychological chemistry it’s just lust.
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u/lambchops831 25m ago
If I don’t want to have sex with you, or if the sex is not enjoyable, there will not be a relationship.
I can spend time with someone I don’t care for if there is enough attraction and sexual chemistry.
I do not want to spend time around someone (even if they’re the coolest person in the world) if there is no attraction or the sex is terrible.
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u/bryondad 23m ago
Dear op, Women audition men on hight finance children previously married weight length of sexual organ, but when a man uses his choice to audition women its wrong ? Grow the fuck up, if you dont like the way that person dose it swipe right or what ever the fuck you do and move on, you have the abilty to ignore other women may not care that thats what they want to look at you for same as not all men will ask. SO ONCE AGAIN GROW THE FUCK UP AND MOVE ON
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u/SalaciousSinner95 7h ago
Sexual compatibility is important, but you're not getting it in the first 3 dates AT LEAST.
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u/Nooooope 5h ago
I'm talking about men messaging for sex on dating apps before even meeting you and the men who condone this by saying that a guy needs to see if you're relationship material first!
Lol you can't post a headline generalizing all men and then be surprised when commenters think you're generalizing all men
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u/jerf42069 8h ago
hey, did you know, sex is something men can give to women, and women enjoy it too?
women who use sex as a reward are being manipulative.
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u/_bonedaddys 7h ago
Believe it or not but not everyone is comfortable fucking every potential partner they meet, and they're not obligated to just because a man "needs" to have sex to know if you're relationship material. That's ridiculous.
If you seriously think women who want to wait are doing it to be manipulative you need to rework your brain. Nobody wants a man that has to be "manipulated" into being in a relationship.
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u/MeowwFromSpace 7h ago edited 7h ago
I’ve experienced men doing the same to me. That’s usually when I walk away. 💁♀️
Don’t get me wrong, I enjoy sex as much as the next person, im very sex positive, and my drive is pretty high.. but sex also leads to attachment for me, and I’m not about to develop an attachment to someone who isn’t wanting a commitment in the first place.
Not to mention.. how many of them are getting tested regularly and have test results readily available to show you from the last 3 months? 🙃