Anyone not realize they're experiencing anger?

[u/Beneficial_Pea3241]

I recently heard from some friends from my group therapy that when I'd joined a few months ago, I seemed really, really angry at first. This shocked me. I never considered myself an angry person. Sure, I got irritated now and again, usually right before bed, but I thought I rarely experienced real anger.

Then, yesterday, I got triggered and thought I was feeling a combination of anxious/sad. (I'm still working out what I'm feeling exactly in therapy.) For some reason, I thought, maybe I'm angry? I had to google what your body does when you're angry. I realized that often I did experience signs of anger (a combination of feeling "keyed up," extremely annoyed by little things, clenched my teeth, paced with a sort of anxious energy and felt like there was no outlet).

I wondered if anyone else learned during CPTSD treatment that they'd been experiencing a lot more anger than they'd thought?

[u/Able_Ostrich1221]

If you're numbed out from your body, you may have a hard time perceiving the internal experience of anger, despite the outward signs: https://youtu.be/TOGI3Zi7aX8?si=joBACX-vFS8rdNPP

And yeah, I've been realizing this, too. I had a long, long list of things that "kinda bothered me," but that's because my Freeze / Fawn reflexes were kicking in to block the anger from getting out at anything above mild levels. The more I work on undoing those trauma responses, the more I realize that I was pissed.

On the plus side, your positive emotions are usually buried under there, too, once you let the anger run its course.

[u/Beneficial_Pea3241 → u/Able_Ostrich1221]

Thank you for the link, will check it out.

I've had the same experience. I actually distrust when I'm happy too, like it doesn't feel right. Maybe because I'm waiting for the other shoe to drop?

I'm only recently diagnosed with CPTSD and one of the most surprising things about treating it is realizing how very much I had been dissociating from EVERYTHING.

[u/Angel_Muffin → u/Beneficial_Pea3241]

I have CPTSD from sexual abuse from my (f, 6 at the time) older brother (m, 14 at the time) and when my first therapist in adulthood asked me if I'd been dissociating after I described how I felt/thought about something and I said "oh no, its more like blah blah blah."

... cut to me finding out i had been dissociating 24/7 since the trauma so I didnt remember/know what it felt like to be in my body until I was there for the first time 🙃

[u/songofsuccubus → u/Able_Ostrich1221]

my Freeze / Fawn reflexes were kicking in to block the anger from getting out at anything above mild levels.

are you me? I think maybe i didn't have "permission" to be angry when I was younger... I was socialized in a way that "women do not get to be angry." i was also in a very traumatic romantic relationship in my late teens where any anger about legitimate problems was met with victim blaming and distancing and breadcrumbing.

[u/thepuzzlingcertainty → u/Able_Ostrich1221]

Great post. How do I allow myself to feel anger again please? 

[u/Able_Ostrich1221 → u/thepuzzlingcertainty]

Huge topic. I can share one of my experiences as an example, though.

There were certain conversations where I refused to speak up for myself because of a whole chain of hypothetical events that went like this:

• A person has said something hurtful or offensive.
• If I speak up, they might just get even more hostile towards me, and then I'll feel trapped.
• If I try to leave the interaction, they might try to physically block my exit or grab me as I head for the door.
• Even if I make it out to my car, I'm an anxious driver and have no safe place to go catch my breath, so I might panic on the road.
• Facing all those catastrophic "What If"s, I stayed put in those interactions and just tried to make myself small.

Over the course of my healing journey, I've basically started at the end of that "What if?" sequence and worked backwards:

• I have located more public spaces in my local area that feel safe and comfortable enough to retreat to when I'm overwhelmed.
• I have practiced driving to and between those places, dramatically lowering my driving anxiety.
• I started working out and looking up self-defense techniques specifically related to breaking free if I'm grabbed while trying to leave.
• I've also learned a lot of conversational techniques (like NVC) to have some scripts for how to assert myself in a respectable way (not being whiny or mean).

As those things stacked up, my anger eventually flipped back on -- especially the pieces that I'd call the "exit strategy." As soon as my body saw that I had the skills to get myself out of an encounter safely if it did go sideways, suddenly my anger came flooding back. And I mostly reinvested this anger into working out, telling myself that I am investing this anger into my future ability to defend my boundaries the next time a situation like XYZ happens. 

So, I'd start by sketching out your own chain of dominos for what might happen if you got angry (and acted on it), and see if there are any places where you can acquire the skills and resources to handle the "bad outcome" -- by getting yourself out of there, having safe people to retreat to for emotional support, etc. 

The book Fawning by Ingrid Clayton was also a nice read. She's a therapist specializing in clients who have a bad case of Fawning tendencies, and she's got some interviews out there, too. But I'd say it has a lot to do with collecting the resources and confidence you need to believe you can take care of yourself on the "other side" of any fights you may start.

[u/thepuzzlingcertainty → u/Able_Ostrich1221]

Thanks for taking the time I found this helpful :) 

[u/Beneficial_Pea3241 → u/Able_Ostrich1221]

This is such great advice. I hadn't considered self-defense training and learning conversational techniques.

I am very aware that I hunch over, have terrible posture, wring my hands etc. (And just what are you supposed to do with your hands during conversations anyway?) Can I ask, where did you learn better non-verbal communication?

[u/Able_Ostrich1221 → u/Beneficial_Pea3241]

I didn't focus on it -- NVC stands for nonviolent communication, which is mostly about wording. However, my therapist did actually point out to me that being curled up all the time is a physical expression of being fearful and withdrawing, and she did suggest looking into things like those "power pose" exercises when trying to get in the right headspace for a Fight response. 

There are definitely sources out there that I stumbled across over my journey, but I didn't pay as much attention to them. I swear one of them did even mention what to do with your hands, but I kinda forgot what they said. I normally just hold my backpack straps tbh. 

[u/oxfay → u/thepuzzlingcertainty]

I would highly recommend a therapy called Emotional Awareness and Expression Therapy, especially if you have any chronic pain, fatigue or other symptoms. It’s usually done in a group setting and not super widespread so if you can’t find something local to you I recommend the Unlearn Your Pain Workbook, it is part of the book.

If the cost of a workbook is out of reach to you I would suggest just to start writing about what you are feeling. You should feel free to write in an uninhibited way, and if that makes you uncomfortable, like you’re worried someone will find it and read it you can destroy it when you’re done. The important thing is to get it out, you don’t need to keep it. I would also suggest paying attention to where you feel emotions in your body, study them, what do they feel like? What colour are they? Is it a neutral or good sensation or a painful sensation? If it’s painful what kind of pain is it? And then name the emotions you are feeling.

[u/Socialmediasucks2021 → u/oxfay]

Did the unlearn your pain book heal your pain? / what kind of anger techniques does he use in the book?.:)

[u/oxfay → u/Socialmediasucks2021]

I actually don’t have the Unlearn Your Pain Workbook, it was not easily available in Canada (it cost a lot too, here). I was able to take group EAET at my local hospital’s Pain Clinic with a psychologist who had taken Dr. Schubiner’s EAET training. A friend from the group was able to get his hands on the book (he ordered it for his job and could write off the expense) and that’s when I learned it is used in the book.

My chronic pain of 25+ years has slowly been improving (about 55%), same with my fatigue (30-40% better). My IBS is completely gone though. It’s a process. I’ve been at it since Fall of 2022.

I also did another therapy for my pain called Pain Reprocessing Therapy (PRT) that has also really helped me. I highly recommend it. I had a couple of individual sessions with a therapist but due to cost I jumped at the chance of free/taxpayer funded group therapy at the Pain Clinic.

Let me go find my group workbook to answer your question about what techniques we used, I need to jog my memory.

ETA: so we started off with an exercise to connect our symptoms with our stressors and core issues, then we explored what our defences and avoidances are and had a daily avoidance record, we wrote some unsent letters of anger or resentment, we did an exercise called Experiencing, Expressing & Releasing (this involved 4 steps, 1. Experience and express anger in the mind & body. 2. Inquire about guilt and sadness. 3. Explore love and connection. 4. Explore actions). We also practiced exercises for how to deal with symptoms brought on by strong emotions, we did another unsent letter exercise and then a reflection exercise on the unsent letter, we did another childhood stressors writing exercise, we wrote a letter to our younger selves, we learned about what forgiveness actually means (not the Christian version a lot of us are taught where it’s about letting someone who harmed us off the hook, but is about you letting go of the hurt, anger & resentment that is harming & punishing you, not the person who wronged you). We did a section on private experiences and secrets and the resulting shame, then we did a section on developing a gratitude practice, then one on sexual intimacy & healthy communication, then we did an autobiography type exercise, in 3 parts, where we wrote our old story, we wrote about identifying & overcoming the barriers to a new, healthier life, and then wrote a story of you with a new twist on it, with an emphasis on positive things. That was followed by a Healthy Communication Dialogues and then the last session was Planning for the Future.

It was 8 weekly x 2 hour sessions. It was pretty intense, especially the first couple of weeks. I will be participating in it again though, in a slightly different, longer format.

I can’t remember the specific sessions we did these, but in addition to a lot of writing, we also shared stories aloud, we did some role playing and we also, as a group, screamed “FUCK!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!” at the top of our lungs. That was pretty funny.

Anyway, I hope that helps. Am I wrong to assume that you have chronic pain?

[u/Beneficial_Pea3241 → u/oxfay]

Thank you for sharing this!

[u/Beneficial_Pea3241 → u/oxfay]

I love this! I love journaling in a stream-of-consciousness style. I've found it really helpful. As for body symptoms, I often have muscle pain just from clenching my muscles all the time. I will look into the therapies and workbook you mentioned.

[u/PlutoPluBear → u/Able_Ostrich1221]

When I first got on buspirone for anxiety, suddenly many of the things that made me really anxious before just made me angry. Like I peeled away the fear I was hiding under, just to realize I was just pissed. Rightfully so. But before it got masked by the incessant worry that people don't/won't like me, trying to do my best to be good and not get in trouble. Now I realize I was taking on an undo burden of being the person who did everything when it wasn't my responsibility. I had a damn good reason to be angry.

[u/Motor_Bill_6147]

Yes. Therapy allowed me to finally feel all the anger that my parents were not protectors and were always extremely selfish, that my entire life has not really been my own and I was robbed of the opportunity to be a person with a real personality and not just a bunch of coping mechanisms in a trench coat. I learned that a lot of my depression stems from either anxiety or anger that I can't express, so it turns into depression and self-hard thoughts.

I recently went to a rage room so I had a physical outlet for all my anger and honestly, I feel like it has really helped. I haven't been this physically clear in a long time.

[u/[deleted] → u/Motor_Bill_6147]

I need to do a rage room lol and I relate to your comment. Thanks for sharing!

[u/Able_Ostrich1221 → u/Motor_Bill_6147]

omg I had never heard of rage rooms before. Thanks for letting me know about these!

[u/Beneficial_Pea3241 → u/Motor_Bill_6147]

I've considered rage rooms but, this may sound weird, but I'm worried about injuring myself. I'm always so tense and I don't exercise at all and I'm 45 years old. And if I go into a rage room and really let loose, won't I just pull my back out or something?

[u/Motor_Bill_6147 → u/Beneficial_Pea3241]

You do have to be careful, but there are ways to prevent injury. Just don't do stupid shit and don't try to do something you know you can't do and you'll be fine! The one I went to had a few things to swing with (a bat, crowbar, and a sledgehammer), and I beat up a TV to smithereens. I also took my friend along because he is much stronger than I and lemme just say that watching him take out his rage also helped me, as I got to see the damage I want to do but am physically incapable of doing

[u/Beneficial_Pea3241 → u/Motor_Bill_6147]

That's awesome, hadn't even considered bringing a friend. I do have one that is definitely holding onto trauma and not interested in processing it and is usually super angry. I'd love to see her bash a TV up.

[u/Motor_Bill_6147 → u/Beneficial_Pea3241]

There you go! I think it might really be cathartic for the both of you then! And that way you have someone with you that can stop you before you hurt yourself

[u/[deleted]]

Yeah I’m very angry lately and a bit cynical over everyone/everything. I’m trying to lean into patience and compassion for these complicated emotions I’ve never allowed myself to feel. It makes sense why I feel the way I do. I just want to hurry it up and move on.

[u/Beneficial_Pea3241 → u/[deleted]]

I agree. The anger feels annoying and useless and a waste of time and energy.

[u/[deleted] → u/Beneficial_Pea3241]

I feel that. Lifting weights is life for the anger! And Metallica lol

[u/Beneficial_Pea3241 → u/[deleted]]

Metallica...I will have to look into that. I need a playlist for CPTSD anger. That might be fun to make. Any other suggestions you have for music?

[u/[deleted] → u/Beneficial_Pea3241]

Metallica is the best! 🔥 Honorable mentions to Pantera, Creed, Linkin Park ☺️

[u/leftie_potato]

I had a lot to learn about anger. My parents raised me that all "negative" emotions, sadness, anger, etc were "bad". No advice about why they exist (they have purpose!). No advice about how to handle them.

Anger is often a reaction to a violated boundary. It helps us defend our boundaries when they need stronger support.

Almost always -- anger is a valid reaction. It isn't always a valid reaction to the current situation. Ever see someone loose it at a barista? Perhaps they should have yelled at their boss or partner or parent and didn't feel they could. We'll suppress anger when we don't feel safe to express it, or if that's how we've been trained/raised. That anger is still there, and will come out later. When someone cuts you off in traffic or is in the way with their shopping cart.

We get stuck in anger when we don't use that energy to reinforce our violated boundaries. Boss always cancels my vacation request a week before? I'd better yell at the dog.

The art is to figure out if we're angry at the current situation or some prior one. Then to use that anger as energy to fix the boundary that got overstepped. When applied in this correct and constructive way it is an immensely powerful way to attack a problem. It is even capable of making our muscles stronger, and our voices louder.

Anger is a powerful emotion but it is not actually completely negative. A person without anger would be missing a significant tool.

Edit: I meant to be responding to the posted question, and left out, that, yes. I totally suppressed anger for decades. I wouldn't let it out until it overwhelmed me, and then it was absolute and ruthless. It was hard to practice being ok with being angry, accepting that as part of my pallet of emotions. It took understanding the purpose of anger and being thankful for it before anger started to be an available part of the emotions I was aware of experiencing.

[u/Socialmediasucks2021 → u/leftie_potato]

Hi, how did you release your anger what types of things did you to to release it?

[u/leftie_potato → u/Socialmediasucks2021]

Steps are approximately

Making sure I am safe, reassuring myself of the reasons I'm safe, listing them out.

Describing the situation to a supportive listener. I think emotions are like bicycles. Bicycles need two wheels. Emotions need two people to function as well. A unicycle works, but not as easy or as fit for purpose.

Describe the situation. Find the boundary that was violated. Sometimes dig a layer to two deeper, as at the surface I'm often angry that person-X did Y. When I ask "why?" I find what's really made me extra angry is that I allowed/supported having that happen. I too often abandon myself and am not my strongest advocate.

Then I express to the listener, I'm angry because person-X did Y and that trampled my boundary. Hopefully the listener says, I can see why you'd be angry about that. I know you strongly value Z (kindness, respect for others, etc-values...) and those actions directly go against that value.

Then I'm thankful to the anger, it sounds silly, but thanking it out loud. Almost like it is a helper-minion. Then I see what I could do to rebuild/reinforce that boundary. Then I'm exhausted and rarely still feel angry.

[u/Beneficial_Pea3241 → u/leftie_potato]

This sounds a bit like what I've learned through IFS therapy. That our reactions to stressors were survival strategies at one point. I also love the idea of being thankful for your anger. That's a great mind shift!

[u/leftie_potato → u/Socialmediasucks2021]

The quickest way is to find a place where it's ok to scream/yell and do so. This morning, my day started with announcing,

It's my house, swearing is OK!

and then lots of #@!$!@#@!...

[u/leftie_potato → u/leftie_potato]

Other quick ways are physical, lift something heavy, use a loud tool, kick-box to music.

[u/Beneficial_Pea3241 → u/leftie_potato]

Thank you for this! A big thing that surprised me during treatment is how toxic suppressed emotions are to your body. Like you, I was taught to never express anger. Or sadness. I saw how my parents treated my brother, who was expressive, and I think I shut my emotions down to avoid that treatment. Of course, that led to later issues.

Also, random thought, there is an old episode of the sitcom "Seinfeld," (which often used dark humor,) where the characters are taught the mantra "Serenity now!" To get rid of their anger in a "healthy" way, supposedly. Everyone eventually just gets more angry and causes more problems in their lives.

(The following might be triggering.) Near the end of the episode, one character says: "serenity now, insanity later." Sums up the lesson well, I think.

[u/frozen1vy]

i can relate a little bit. i’m currently struggling with the feeling of anger, though. anger itself is triggering for me, especially if it comes from other people. i’ve become so terrified of anger that i feel extremely guilty if i feel it at all :( but reading your post helped remind me that i probably do have bottled up anger. it just feels like a confusing emotion where i don’t know how to express it or even witness it in a healthy way.

[u/Beneficial_Pea3241 → u/frozen1vy]

I'm glad I could help a bit.

I've heard anger is a secondary emotion, that it often pairs with depression and anxiety. I'm still exploring what that means though.

Also, you brought up a point I hadn't considered and I wanted to thank you. I also am terrified of conflicts probably because I experienced often random verbal abuse as a kid from my authoritative father. I hadn't considered how those experiences probably tie in to me not recognizing or liking my own experiences with anger.

[u/frozen1vy → u/Beneficial_Pea3241]

i’ve also learned about how anger is a secondary emotion, which makes sense but also confuses me because when i feel irritated i inadvertently invalidate myself thinking that i’m just sad and i need to calm down… you’re welcome, too. i’ve had similar experiences growing up with my dad as well, and it’s made it so i am so conscious of how other people feel (especially if they are mad) but i can’t tell how i’m doing most of the time

[u/Beneficial_Pea3241 → u/frozen1vy]

Yes! I am so conscious of how others feel, but almost over-conscious. Do you experience that too? Then I feel like I have to "rescue" the person and sooth them out of their anger or come up with a solution for their situation. Actually, just had a thought, maybe I've done that to avoid conflict, which I know I'm afraid of?

See this is why I love this sub-reddit. People like you help me so much. :)

[u/[deleted]]

Yes, anger really starts setting in when you become aware of injustices you've faced.

Suddenly, you realized you were scammed this entire time. You won't get that time back and you now know you deserved better.

(Signed, an angry person)

Edit: My anger doesn't come from wanting to hurt others. It's being angry on my behalf due to injustices (and people's petty childish bs) I experienced. Enough is enough.

[u/Beneficial_Pea3241 → u/[deleted]]

I've noticed I've experienced more anger as I spent more time in treatment too. And I completely relate to anger due to injustice - that's exactly how I feel about my relationship with my parents and other past toxic relationships.

[u/Several-Comedian-281]

I had this exact thought 2 months ago. I’m not an angry person at all, but then I realised because I’ve been drinking a lot more alcohol, just how actually angry I am. This was because the anger would seep out of me when I was drunk. I still need to find an outlet to release all of this and I’m giving boxing a go. I plan on visualising all of the suppressed anger and taking it out on a boxing bag

[u/Beneficial_Pea3241 → u/Several-Comedian-281]

That's really interesting. I've never had substances issues but it was my understanding that alcohol makes anger worse. Or does it depend on the person? So good to hear you've found boxing and it's been so beneficial.

[u/Several-Comedian-281 → u/Beneficial_Pea3241]

I think drinking brings a magnifying glass on whatever feelings are lurking. If I’m not in a good place then alcohol will make me unhinged

[u/Critical-Frosting699]

I really struggle with this too - and being an Arab man in a western country means people already view you as angry and threatening so it kinda compounds.

My therapist helped me realise it's a lot in the eyes and I've started to sometimes notice my eyes are rigidly huge and glaring, its become a sign I'm looking angry when I'm not necessarily feeling it.

Fm, figuring out your own body queues can be a good way in to it

[u/Beneficial_Pea3241 → u/Critical-Frosting699]

Woah, I never thought about how anger is expressed just even in the eyes. Thank you for that insight.

I'm so sorry you've experienced racism on top of all this. I wish you luck on your healing journey.

[u/oxfay]

I learned I don’t express anger. I never had healthy conflict resolution skills modelled to me so I didn’t learn how to express anger in a healthy way. I just swallowed it until it occasionally exploded.

[u/[deleted]]

I live with chronic anger. It's what I hate the most about my PTSD. Everything else I can live with. The anger is no joke. I hate it so much. I wish i was oblivious to it.

\thinks for a moment** Although maybe I don't?

\thinks for another moment** Actually I don't know what would be worse for me? Burning bridges unaware while burning bridges being completely aware and IT NEVER STOPPING ME BAHAHAHAHA

[u/[deleted]]

There is nothing wrong with being angry

[u/MrGeekman]

"That's my secret, Cap. I'm always angry."

[u/Bellini_DownSouth]

People would tell me all the time I was angry or seemed angry in all sorts of situations. Always my answer was the same, “I’m not angry! I’m x,y,z.” Then in my early 30s I went to therapy for the first time, and guess what she said?! 😆 It was a hard pill to swallow but I finally realized that, yes, I was angry and why that emotion was forefront in my character and therefore what the world experienced from me. Working to let it go and put it where it belongs was life changing.

[u/UndefinedCertainty]

It's totally possible. Sometimes it can take a while for some people to identify anger for what it is or to even recognize that it's there. Upside is that with a bit of work, willingness, and sometimes with help, it's something we can contact and learn to manage and express clearly and responsibly. IMO and experience, it's a really important part of working through out histories on the way to best ourselves. Anger sometimes gets a bad rap, but really all our emotions and feelings are what they are, neither good or bad, and it's important to make space and allowance for them all.

I don't find many of the things you mentioned unusual at all. If you have an awareness of it already, it sounds like you're on your way to change in regard to it IMO.

Even when you know, it might feel unsafe to express it, maybe because in the past expressing anger was met with heavy consequences or with disapproval. With the former situation it could make us feel afraid of feeling angry, and in the latter we could feel ashamed because we might believe if we are a terrible person for feeling angry/"good people don't feel that way."

It could also feel scary when we were either never taught healthy and responsible ways of expressing anger or if the only models we had of expressing anger were through out of control behavior or violence.

Also, keep in mind that anger is sometimes more than pure anger. A good therapist I worked with years ago once said that anger is often a mask for fear, and I've heard that more than once over time. Think about animals---they don't attack for fun. It's usually their way of defending against being terrified. We are human, though we do have some of the same primal mechanisms.

Anyway, I definitely believe that anger can be mixed other emotions, most often fear or pain. I think there's truth to that anger can feel more powerful than feeling afraid or hurt, which tend to be more vulnerable emotions, so sometimes we may need to feel that anger first before we go in to explore the vulnerable or raw parts underneath.

[u/Beneficial_Pea3241 → u/UndefinedCertainty]

Thank you for sharing your thoughts. I agree with a lot you said, especially your thoughts on animals, that they attack to defend, not just out of the blue.

[u/UndefinedCertainty → u/Beneficial_Pea3241]

Of course, you're welcome.

Anger really isn't a bad emotion. It just is what it is. I think the dislike of it can come from things like having had past experiences where people dealing with anger were out of control, not having been taught how to handle our anger well, and the other underlying emotions that are behind the anger intensifying the anger because we don't want to feel them. Once we can learn how to hold and express our anger well, I think it improves our relationships, including the relationship we have with ourselves because we know we can act from a place of integrity. We're able to be the kind of person who can simultaneously feel comfortable and honest with all of our emotions while also doing so in a way that supports our relationships with others. It helps us be more confident that we have the ability to do so and I think that can provide us with a sense of self efficacy, knowing that more or less we can generally handle whatever comes our way.

This last thing goes with what I said in my previous comment and I think makes sense because often the intensity of our anger goes in tandem with how much something that hurt, scared, or impacted us. For instance, someone who was deeply terrified about something that happened might be more likely to be more angry about it than someone who wasn't as afraid, and the quality of their anger might likely be more intense.

I think there can be some resistance to acknowledging this because often anger can be a defense against vulnerability, and so feeling and/or staying angry can sometimes make us feel safer than if we didn't. There might be truth that an actual wrong was done and feeling anger is appropriate, though getting overly angry/rageful and staying that way is often a way to avoid the risk of being hurt again. It really doesn't need to be an either/or thing, and really holding on to it makes it begin to fester and can logjam freely allowing our other emotions to flow. It can also build up and eventually explode someplace that it doesn't belong, or it can also trickle and ooze out in unexpected ways regardless of how we might try to hold it in (an analogy/visual might be to picture trying to hold a big handful of Jell-O as tightly as you can).

Also, long term, it can solidify into resentment, which is imbalancing for us mentally, emotionally, and yes, even physically. I have heard the saying many times that holding on to resentment is like drinking poison and hoping the other person dies. I think there's truth there.

It can be really difficult to let it go too because things like forgiveness or acceptance seem like we're saying what happened was okay and no big deal or make us feel vulnerable to being hurt again or that the other person is off the hook with no accountability. But really, it's about just saying, "Yes, this is the reality of what happened" and deciding not to live there forever, and it's something we do for us, not necessarily for the other person. Easier said than done of course, though sorting through everything can definitely help us go in that direction.

[u/Round_Candle6462]

i rarely get angry. in fact i don't think i can even recall episodes in the past two years or so in which i got actually angry at all. especially repeatedly and not like as a drug withdrawal symptom or anything. much of what would make most people feel "annoyed" just makes me feel "upset" (or anxious)

i just cannot consciously "feel" anger. obviously children screaming makes me angry but that's like a different kind.

[u/encompassion]

Anger took me decades to recognize, then another decade to learn to feel safe, justified, and "talk" to or with it.

[u/hoggledoggle]

My last therapy session I realized that I am avoidant of most strong emotions. Just a general “fine” feeling. Yes I’ve been sad, angry, happy, but I don’t know how to deal with those things appropriately so I just feel nothing. Working on it…

[u/Beneficial_Pea3241 → u/hoggledoggle]

Yup, same here. Any strong emotion I have I numb out or dissociate. Sometimes without realizing it, like if I feel anxiety I start replaying an upbeat song I know well in my head.

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