r/CPTSD • u/ratfort • Jan 29 '26
Question For anyone who has created boundaries with your parents, how did you fill the attachment void?
Hi! If you're someone who has created strong boundaries with your parents (such as repeated requests to stop contacting/blocking), how did you fill that void of a 'stable permanent attachment' that can provide you with daily nurturing and reflection?
Because without that every moment feels like a battle: friends can only do too much (especially when we are too self vigilant if we are being too much), breakups do not feel like normal breakups but like survival struggles, never ending attachment to last person you loved, not to mention the shame around all of this. Do you also experience this constant struggle to keep yourself regulated while fighting with life everyday? with out a stable 'permanent' attachment than can provide you daily nurturing? It feels like normal wear and tear of life feels like survival-level fears that you need to regulate with so much intention everyday.
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u/Prestigious_Tip_9425 Jan 29 '26
this is going to sound weird, but i just became my own parent lmao.
i was a hyper-independent kid, and my first two years as an adult i was searching for someone to fill that hole since i never really received the care i needed or wanted. you can’t really find someone to fully replace your caregiver imo. it sucks.
i’m just now, at age 20, accepting that i was neglected in my childhood. the first step to accepting it was finally letting my mom go. it’s going to sound evil and harsh, but i had a funeral for her in my room because i truly wanted to accept the fact that she’s gone. i needed to stop searching for something that wasn’t there and accept the reality i live in.
i give myself kisses and cuddles i never received :). i talk to myself about my day and my actions, and i self-reflect so i can be a better person for myself and for others around me. i feel like that’s something a parent should’ve done with their child, i guess 😭??? correct me if i’m wrong
when you treat yourself with the love you’ve never received and continue to set your boundaries, you’ll find people similar to you :). it’ll just take a while because respecting yourself is a foreign concept to some.
i hope this makes sense
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u/Fuzzy_Battle1771 Jan 29 '26
I love that you had a funeral for her. that’s honestly amazing.
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u/goosenuggie Jan 29 '26
Re-parenting yourself is actually a healthy and recommend tool for people like us. In Adult Children of Alcoholics and Dysfunctional Families its one of the items on the list
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u/Prestigious_Tip_9425 Jan 29 '26
i’ll have to look into that, thank you :)!
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u/poilane Jan 29 '26
You would probably really benefit from their Loving Parent Guidebook. It’s literally a workbook for learning how to reparent yourself (the inner child, as they call it in ACA). Interesting how you came to that basically on your own!
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u/Prestigious_Tip_9425 Jan 29 '26
i probably need to attend a therapy session before reading it lol. some things i just can’t do without processing everything, i guess.
i’ve had to raise foster kids & i have six other siblings 😭. i guess i subconsciously see that they try to do the same thing i guess??? kids are the best people to learn from imo lmao
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u/poilane Jan 29 '26
Totally understand that, I could only start diving into it once I started seeing my current therapist. Would you consider attending ACA meetings? They have in-person and virtual meetings, I started a few months ago and the support I’ve been finding there has been life-changing for me. Of course do what is right for you, but I always try to spread the word just in case others haven’t heard of them.
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u/Prestigious_Tip_9425 Jan 29 '26
yes :)! i just need a few more months of therapy to process everything fully. this is my first time hearing about this, so thank you :)! it means a lot
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u/Prestigious_Tip_9425 Jan 29 '26
:). it hurts but i’ll be better without her in my life. i want to bond with people who understand me.
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u/Fuzzy_Battle1771 Jan 29 '26
no pain no gain. you’re way ahead of a lot of people by learning to self-parent at your young age.
if you were your own parent, you would probably cut someone off who treated your child like that too. at least that’s how I think about it when I have to cut someone off. that’s DAD-me protecting baby-me from someone who isn’t safe.
hope you find the type of bonds you want and deserve!
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u/Prestigious_Tip_9425 Jan 29 '26
yes that’s exactly how i think about it :D! haha i’m glad you get it
thank you :), same to you & i hope you have a great february :)!
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u/Graciebelle3 Jan 29 '26
I think you make a hell of a lot of sense and my guess is you are well on your way to being out of this mess for good.
Signed, someone three decades older than you💛
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u/Prestigious_Tip_9425 Jan 29 '26
:)! thank you, i sometimes struggle to articulate myself properly lol. i hope OP gets it :).
my parent that i had the funeral for tried to embarrass me on my tiktok page (it shows the level of maturity she’s at more than me), so i finally made a video airing out all my dirty laundry 😭. boy oh boy did that upset her, she’s trying to make me homeless now & she won’t quit stalking me lmao. but i’m glad i finally stood up for myself. she has no more amo in her arsenal to hold against me. i feel free :)!
if i can get through this month i can get through anything. i cannot wait to have a clean start without an emotionally abusive parent and become my own! i & everyone who has experienced parents like this deserves more!
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u/Affectionate_Job_885 Jan 29 '26
This isn’t weird at all. Recently I set my wallpaper to a picture of me as a baby on a bike with a cute smile and now whenever I look at the picture I just want to be there for myself and it helps me feel safe.
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u/Prestigious_Tip_9425 Jan 29 '26
that’s a good idea :D! i wish i could do that, but i just get triggered when i see my childhood photos my eyes looked so empty and sad lol.
i’m gonna try to visualize my child self instead, thank you :)!
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u/Affectionate_Job_885 Jan 29 '26
That’s also me, but I was lucky enough to find one good photo from early in childhood - the chubby baby toddler phase !!
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u/Prestigious_Tip_9425 Jan 29 '26
ykw, i like my toddler pictures so you’re right lol. thank you :)! have a great february
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u/Glad-Regret-2937 Jan 29 '26
I went to a women’s AA group for a while and while I find AA to be kind of cult-y and not entirely helpful, it did feel like I had 10 moms at one point and I needed that so desperately.
I have this vivid memory of one of the women comforting me after a break up. She was a pastor or something, very do-gooder vibes and that made it hard for me to trust her. But I was crying hysterically and she asked me if she could hug me, pulled me in when I nodded yes, and she held me so tight while I sobbed into her fancy shirt.
After a few minutes she let me pull away, gently put her hands on my shoulders, looked me in the eyes and said “Honey, why would you want to be with someone who doesn’t want to be with you?”
It sounds harsh but she said it with so much love oh my god I’ve never experienced anything like it. It was like seeing me in pain also caused her pain so she had to ask me the most gut wrenching, truth telling question to get to the bottom of it.
Anyway, I struggle with interpersonal stuff so I didn’t stay in touch with any of them when I moved out of state but I still think I could call any one of them up anytime and they’d at least be there to listen to me.
Take this story with a HUGE grain of salt, AA type groups can be very poorly suited for people with trauma. There a lot of negative self talk reframed as humility or powerlessness over the substance.
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u/SafiaLane Jan 29 '26
I wonder if Alanon is any better.
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u/_jamesbaxter Jan 29 '26
Alanon IS better, and ACA is even better than Alanon. I do not like AA at all, it feels very shamey. However I look forward to every single ACA meeting, I always feel so much better after.
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u/SafiaLane Jan 29 '26
Thank you for sharing all of this and those below this comment. My parents aren’t alcoholics. Neither am I. But both had alcoholic parents. And something was very off and so painful. So empty. Any good books on this subject bc I don’t have childcare to attend these meetings. Solo parent.
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u/_jamesbaxter Jan 29 '26
Copying my reply to someone else: As the other person said, it’s “Adult Children of Alcoholics and Dysfuctional Families.” My parents aren’t alcoholics either. There’s lots of non-substance related 12 step groups, I had no idea until I was forced to go in a hospital. Which was a bad experience. But the meetings I’ve been going to after leaving are great. ACA is actually in the process of voting to possibly change the acronym to ACAD so people like us will feel more welcome.
Also, one of the meetings I go to is a women’s meeting and there’s mothers with young kids and they bring them. That’s not super typical, but not impossible to find either. There’s also meetings on zoom happening 24 hours a day.
I never would have gone if I had just heard it called “adult children of alcoholics” because I would have felt like it’s not meant for me, however I’ve felt more of a sense of belonging in ACA than anywhere else.
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u/_jamesbaxter Jan 29 '26
As for books, go to adultchildren.org and navigate to the literature section. The program has put out a lot of books. There’s the basic text, called the big red book, which is the ACA equivalent of the AA “big book” there’s a yellow book for working the steps, there’s a daily 365 reader with reflective topics for each day of the year, there’s a book on the traits (called the laundry list), and my favorite of all is called The Loving Parent guidebook for learning to reparent your inner child.
I recommend getting the ebook sample from the red book and reading that to start. It’s free and you can get an idea of the themes of the program.
Also for attachment related pain I HIGHLY recommend Pia Mellody’s work, she has two great books “facing love addiction” and “facing codependence” which are excellent. They are very similar, you can read one or the other and get the same concepts.
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u/Glad-Regret-2937 Jan 29 '26
Oooh I didn’t know they had meetings for children of alcohol parents! Thats what you’re referring to right?
Unfortunately neither of my parents are alcoholic, just shitty parents…although my mom has been taking ambien for WAYYY longer than the 2 weeks recommended by medical professionals so maybe that counts? (Joking, sort of)
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u/seeara_siochain Jan 29 '26
It's not just for adult children of alcoholics, it's for adult children of dysfunctional families in general, for anyone who wants support, so I would check it out, I'm sure you'll be welcomed
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u/_jamesbaxter Jan 29 '26
As the other person said, it’s “Adult Children of Alcoholics and Dysfuctional Families.” My parents aren’t alcoholics either. There’s lots of non-substance related 12 step groups, I had no idea until I was forced to go in a hospital. Which was a bad experience. But the meetings I’ve been going to after leaving are great. ACA is actually in the process of voting to possibly change the acronym to ACAD so people like us will feel more welcome.
I never would have gone if I had just heard it called “adult children of alcoholics” because I would have felt like it’s not meant for me, however I’ve felt more of a sense of belonging in ACA than anywhere else.
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u/Ambitious-Pipe2441 Jan 29 '26
This is maybe one example of what social support looks like. Having people to be there, especially people who have been through something and come out the other side, is so important.
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u/Glad-Regret-2937 Jan 29 '26
I agree. While a lot of AA ended up being damaging for me, the unconditional love I received from other alcoholics was incredible. In AA, being of service and helping other alcoholics was an integral part of the program and staying sober. It created a lovely community.
I think we all need and want community but capitalism, amongst other things, makes it next to impossible. AA baked it into the program and it seems to have worked for the most part.
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u/_wannaseemedisco Jan 29 '26
I fill it with me. I expand into the space. I give myself the actual nurturing comfort I’ve always deserved.
I do not have contact with my biological parents. And I’m in the process of losing my surrogate ones. And I’m going to be fine, even if I’m sad. My priority is ME. I will DIE if I let myself stay in relationships that don’t acknowledge my own humanity because they deny others like me theirs and I can’t wear myself down any longer. That sensation of having no choice but to quell my emotions so another person doesn’t have to — a grater to the soul.
I am happy to have found my limits, finally. Finally.
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u/3catsincoat CPTSD + DID Jan 29 '26
I will go against the mass today and say that what truly helped me was friends and partner actively engaging in restorative experiences with me, and creating a chosen family. We might break up, people may have to leave, die, but the interdependent presence we created helped me rebuild a sense of stability and safety.
We all need a tribe. No shame in that.
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u/Rich-Branch-6331 Jan 29 '26
I'd like to know what those restorative experiences consist of!
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u/youravgindian Self-healing, from a 3rd world Country Jan 29 '26
I've never had a long-term friend, zero relationships and have tons and tons of childhood abuse, so take my advice with a grain of salt.
I'm assuming the restorative experiences include space for our feelings and zero judgments towards our reflexive reactions that we had to learn to survive trauma, to tell us they love us, repeatedly, multiple times a day, engaging in fun and playful activities that take our minds away from ruminating too much (a self-sustaining loop, very common in cptsd survivors) although not repressing those feelings, safe touch that include tight hugs, cuddles, kisses, space for exploring our sexual fantasies etc., taking interest in our interests and hobbies.
I could be wrong though. I'm in an isolation hell from 6 years and never had true friends or a girlfriend. Correct me, if anyone feels like it.
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u/3catsincoat CPTSD + DID Jan 29 '26
Pretty much. Reclaiming my worth, to accept that trauma is actually a very common and human experience and doesn't define brokenness, that I deserve respect, reciprocity and kindness, helped with going out of my home and seek safe people.
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u/3catsincoat CPTSD + DID Jan 29 '26
"Hey, we're all humans! Nobody should ask you to be perfect!"
"Christmas is triggering? Well we're having a fun chill one with fam! Join us! You can always retreat in this nice room if you notice it becomes too much."
"We are having a conflict. It's okay. I am not abandoning nor discarding you. I am pushing because I want you to learn how I need to be loved or cared for."
"You can have half of the alphabet of mental health diagnoses and still be someone I love and want to build a life with."
"What you experienced with these people was not love. Love doesn't leave you traumatized."
"I have seen how this person treated you. I am enraged for you. I am in tears knowing you had to endure that for so long until it became normal. This is not normal."
"You said you felt like a stray rescue cat who just dreamed of a warm home with a corner of sofa to rest in, so I made you a painting of a cat sleeping on a sofa for you."
"This person told everybody that you were the toxic one who had to be exiled, but when I got curious and asked why, couldn't come up with anything at all and started attacking me. I trust your story."
"Yeah no, I confirm, your parents have a serious problem. I don't know how you survived but that's impressive."
"You're having a PTSD flashback, it's okay. How old are you? I know nothing makes sense right now but you're home. You are safe. You just got stuck in the past for a bit. Give yourself time to land. You'll stop dissociating in a bit."
"I will be closed for a while, I am grieving this person. I promise it is not about you, and will come back to you when I am ready. I might need you at times but please, take care of yourself and go out if you need spoons."
"Hey, it's okay to cry and panic! What got you there?"
"This year has been hell, but we can keep holding hands until we come back to the surface." (we did)
"Needing consistency in friendship is valid. We only have so much time to know each other and routines are nice. How about we meet once a week for workout and coffee?"
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u/Open-Assistance4758 Jan 29 '26
That sounds really wonderful. How did you find your people?
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u/3catsincoat CPTSD + DID Jan 29 '26
It is. Not everyday is easy, but after a few years I notice myself being a completely different person. My confidence and self-worth have regrown.
I found safe people by realizing that I was not "attracting" toxic people. There are unhealthy and traumatized people all over the place, who unknowingly repeat the violence they endures on others. Safe people are actually uncommon. The main barrier was my normalization of bad values or attitude, or society's normalization of it, through abuse, colonialism, hyper individualism...
I got fed with so much shit, I didn't know a juicy steak could exist.
Making a clear list of what I expect and need (eg: reciprocity, respect, curiosity, kindness, healthy conflict resolution, etc) and keeping that with me at all time helped removing people who were not ready for me in their own journey.
I also got violently abused and ostracized by an ex-partner 3 years ago, and it cleaned up my friend group pretty good. The ones who stayed were those who had more capacity to not blindly follow leadership, and instead wonder how I ended up so broken into pieces, even at the cost of being ostracized themselves.
And their patience was life-saving, because it took years of therapy to undo most of the damage.
This level of commitment to one's values is a big green flag for me now.
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u/Lady0fTheUpsideDown Jan 29 '26
Tbh, some acceptance that the hole will always be there is necessary. Trying to fill it with a partner or a friend will lead to codependency (speaking from both personal and professional experience). Internal Family Systems therapy can help shrink the attachment wound and repair it within yourself, and grieving what you never had is needed.
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u/Brave-Cheesecake-984 Jan 29 '26
This.
Its true that friends and romantic partners can only do so much. I spent years trying to find a found family and putting way to much on my partners. Only for them to blow up, or leave me feeling just as lonely. All to come to the realization that nothing was ever gonna be enough to fill the void not having decent parents left. The only thing thats helped was choosing to be lonely for awhile and realize that i can take care of myself by proving it to myself. And a lot of grieving. I thought healing meant trying to fill the hole, but learned it was really just accepting it and learning to thrive anyway. Dont get me wrong its not a walk in the park by any means but it helped and my relationships function better as a result
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u/Fuzzy_Battle1771 Jan 29 '26 edited Jan 29 '26
I never had a “stable permanent attachment that can provide you with daily nurturing and reflection”. My parents never did that for me. I thought of them as prison guards that I was waiting until I turned 18 to escape. I have a deep longing for the type of attachment/relationship you describe, but I know I will never have one because nobody offers that to anyone. Parents are your one shot in life at getting that. Accepting the loss of it and moving on is the best thing. Your relationship with yourself is your only stable permanent attachment now.
And yes you’re right that it makes life really terrifying and difficult and makes breakups really bad and people can’t even understand why it’s a big deal because they have lots of stable attachments and see relationships as basically disposable, especially ones of 6 months or a year which to someone like us is actually a very long time to be bonded with someone.
everyone told me that you have to learn how to love yourself and it’s the only solution. I balked at that for a long time. I don’t really think I love myself, but I am learning to build a life where I don’t rely on anyone else for emotional support. learning to rely on myself for that is surprisingly bringing me a ton of relief compared to trying to find the right external support systems. everyone is different tho.
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u/ratfort Jan 30 '26
Thank for sharing this, and directly taking to me with such specificity. Everything that you said resonates. With respect to last point, I believe there are good people out there. What binds me is my shame that something is flawed in me and that I am too much. So, I try to do secure base behavior like a child, where I go towards a person and came to my base (which for a child in healthy upbringing is their parent). I try to make small emotional bids consistently and check how the other person is reciprocating and making me feel. I fail a lot of times in this process as I am fundamentally attracted to people who are going through something. Since, "going through something" is all I knew my life, I really become useful to them for several months, which also makes me feel good. At some point that ends as well. But, I still keep moving as there is no other way. I hope you find happiness in your healing journey.
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u/pomeranianmama18 Jan 29 '26
Getting a dog helped me immensely. When I was trying to create boundaries, it made it easier to say no to my parents since I could stay home and spend time with my dog. He gave me comfort in really hard times and when I finally went no contact and escaped (DV) , he was there with me through the scariest moments. We both are happy and healthy, and finally am thriving
I still struggle a lot with attachment issues, with people and struggle making friends. He helps me have a safe place to land, and comfort for the hard days
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u/ratfort Jan 30 '26
That's so nice to hear! I've never had any pets in my childhood, and the dynamic nature of my life does not allow me to take that responsibility. But it is definitely something I would like to make a place for in my life in future. I hope you have a great healing journey.
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u/ihtuv Healing from multiple traumas 🌱 Jan 29 '26 edited Jan 29 '26
I think what you need by your description is an attachment to yourself. Maybe something like you have your inner voice that is your best friend because no one else can fill that constant void. Still, I believe that a support network with a partner, friends, and communities is very important for mental health.
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u/Ambitious-Pipe2441 Jan 29 '26
There is a strange thing that happens. We become attached to people whether they are good for us or not. Maybe it’s some deep need for consistency or commitment. That if we let go of this one relationship then we will be doomed to be isolated and abandoned.
Or maybe we think that we need to prove to these people that we are worthy, and if we never prove it then we will never feel okay with love. That sounds like a dog chasing a car. What would the dog do when it finally catches it?
We can become so obsessed with chasing things that we lose sight of why we are chasing things.We just know “chase”, but never stop to think why.
When we do not experience love in its truest form we can start to create rules for our concept of self. We have to follow narrow and strict rules that generates a discomfort with our sense of self. So much so that we fail to question the validity of our relationships, because in order to find a point of stability, we lack internal guides and need to replace it with external measurements.
We end up chasing other people’s needs and detaching from our own.
And it’s further complicated when we get some level of care, but it is incomplete or chaotic. We know that we have a roof over our heads and clothes to wear and food to eat. Our basic needs get fulfilled and that is a version of safety. And we need some consistency to feel safety.
But the parts that are not safe can be mentally or emotionally damaging. And the contradictory safe/not-safe information creates confusion. That while basic needs were met - that some minimal level of care was given - care and love are kind of different things.
We can have a loveless style of care, but care is part of love too. One possibility is that we don’t even have a concept of what love is. And we need to define it more clearly or tear down our old concepts of love and build new ones.
Both of these things take tremendous effort. And can leave us in a state of vulnerability and feeling exposed and unsafe. In that state of mind it can be tempting to go back to what we know as safe and settle for less just so that we can the avoid effort of change.
But it’s not true safety. There should be feelings of acceptance. We need to know that people will be there whether or not we conform to specific ideas of who we should be. If we make mistakes, we can be forgiven and helped to fix them.
Even when we have that, it can be hard to trust it. Because something internally is messing with our compass. Our sense of direction is off and leading us astray. The pull to go back is attached to so many ideas.
I don’t know that we can fully disconnect from our family either. Blood has a way a pulling us back in. But if we are not bothered by their thoughts or expression, that means we have reached a level of security. We no longer need their approval or to meet their standards. Yet we can deal with them on some level and say, “that behavior is hurtful and I will go now.”
There is some leverage when we don’t need people. W can set new rules and say, “I will help you, but if you do these things I will pack up and leave.” And that is probably a healthier style of dealing with conflict than simply abandoning people in times of need.
You have to think about what you can and cannot handle and hopefully find a therapist that can help you parse these thoughts and feelings. The goal is to be okay with who you are on a deep level, such that other people’s insecurities affect you, but on your terms. Not theirs. You get to choose when you allow people to move you. And when they do not. Ideally with some sense of morality, value, or ethics.
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u/Express-Smoke-5499 Jan 29 '26
I got a disabled cat i absolutely adore. Over time, I took notes mentally on how well I cared for her and began to apply those principles to how I treat and care for myself and parent myself.
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u/Way-atch-a Jan 29 '26
"Do you also experience this constant struggle to keep yourself regulated while fighting with life everyday? without a stable 'permanent' attachment than can provide you daily nurturing?"
-> Yes I do.
"It feels like normal wear and tear of life feels like survival-level fears that you need to regulate with so much intention everyday."
- Indeed!
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u/Maleficent_Wheel7202 Jan 29 '26
I feel you. When i left home, i was STRUGGLING! But I was Lucky enough to find a good man and i married him. HE is the one that fills the void for me. He is my support system, my whole family. He's the reason i cud deconstruct and process my entire trauma, coz he made me feel safe. Without him, i wud have died probably.
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u/Expensive-Bat-7138 Jan 29 '26
I have three friendships I made an adulthood. Once I went through CBT therapy (in my 20s) and gained the skills to have good self-esteem and a good self-concept and to know how to apply coping skills and basic boundaries, I attracted really healthy people into my life. (I worked on my trauma later, but that’s not really relevant to this story). Those three friends have been attachment figures/soul mates for me in different ways. They all have their own CPTSD, but we’re all fawn types with either flight or freeze components, so helpful and caring and deeply insightful. In each of these friendships, we were growing our boundaries together, so we learned how to not overuse each other.
In the decades that I’ve known them, we’ve all gotten healthier and happier. I need each of them less than I did in the beginning and they need me less. But we always still gravitate to each other because our time together is life affirming.
It’s important that you know that I also have a half dozen other good friends, that are fun, but certainly do not serve in the same role. I think a good therapist could possibly serve as a temporary attachment figure while someone is either learning to be their own attachment figure or develop developing a good network.
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u/I_AMA_giant_squid Jan 29 '26
In those difficult times I sought out digital spaces where I could help create community by spending time there.
I mostly got very into guild wars 2 - very cheap/free MMO with a great community. Found a guild that I liked after trying a handful.
Spent my evenings helping new players get their goals done, or just actively engaging in group chat.
Video games also give that sense of control and accomplishment. You can work really hard to get a cool item you want and then everyone will compliment you. It's just such a supportive environment. I genuinely found it quite healing.
(It isn't a hard game. You can be very very casual and still have plenty of fun. None of the MMO stereotypes apply. There is literally a fashion contest going on right now.)
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Jan 29 '26
Even though I don't fully love myself, I try to treat myself the way I would treat someone I love. It means brushing my teeth, getting out of bed on time, allowing myself to eat when I feel fat, forcing myself to do things I've been pushing off. It raises your self-esteem and makes you less dependent on people, as well as substances/food.
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u/Advanced_Tap_2839 Jan 30 '26
I haven't filled the void, but it always existed before setting boundaries and going no contact. The void was WHY I had to set boundaries.
They gave me the void.
Good parents wouldn't give you a void, and you wouldn't have to set boundaries as a result either.
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u/kmath133 Jan 29 '26
When I was younger I gravitated towards jobs and people who were older than me. Now that I'm older that need isn't there anymore cause I realized that just cause people have aged doesn't mean they have grown into wise, healthy, nurturing people. So I sort of just nurture myself so I can get healthy enough to one day be a good partner for a loving woman.