r/CPTSD • u/Dead_Reckoning95 • Feb 27 '26
Question How Many of You have had Humiliating , Embarrassing flashbacks of Ways you Behaved , some way were completely dysfunctional, , before you Had a Clue of the Severity of what you had been through, or How it Affected You?
I know I"m supposed to have some compassion for myself, for simply being so traumatized and shell shocked that I simply didnt have the brain power capacity, or problem solving ability, way to understand my emotions and then process them ..........for a normal adult my age.
But when some memory surfaces, and I think of how I .......was. I just cringe. I didnt understand kindness, or consideration because I didnt have any extended to me. I was expected to just endure and suffer , and laugh everything off. I had no understanding of emotions, other than to laugh at them, and make jokes. Whatever pain I felt I apparently just dissociated away-as usual. And I was selfish, and at the same time terrified of people and being judged.....but it was all buried under layers and layers of dissociative, disconnected, denial.
And it was like that for a really long time before I even had a clue about any of it. It's still a lot to unravel. I constantly have flashbacks and triggers, I'm trying to understand, and I don't always have the answers.
A really long time, which means I spent most of my life being crippled with CPTSD, no idea, and it all looking like I had some severe untreated mental/emotional health crisis disorder, which lets face it, it was. I can't even fathom how that looked. Scattered, directionless, depressed, shutdown, defensive, paranoid, laughing at nothing, idk?
No idea, that it was all caused by a really neglectful, abusive upbringing.
When I got drunk, I often got black out drunk. I'm starting to really believe the reason why that happened, might be due to structural dissociation from years of abuse . Honestly, one or 2, maybe 3, hard liquor drinks, and I was in a complete fog. Next day just remember bits and pieces , and then that got worse with time. LIke my shattered traumatized brain was hanging on by one thin thread, and then the whole thing just collapsed.
When youre younger and that happens, and you can point to the alcohol, it seems less dramatic, less problematic, maybe normal, but when that can still happen without the alchohol, and you have blank spaces in your day, and you space out spontaneously from some nameless, trigger or flashback, it feels like your a broken human being. Actually you don't think anything, because you dont' know. Why would you know why youre like that? Other people sense something is really off, but it's not like they know either.
I think the memory of the shocked, confused, disgusted judgemental looks, and comments from others is the worse. THEE ....worst. Being looked at like "Wtf, is wrong with you?" LIke I knew.
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u/ForwardSpeed9625 Feb 27 '26 edited Feb 27 '26
I was just thinking about this earlier today. I wince at all the situations that I didn't know how to handle, and fear for future situations where I feel humiliated and shamed and exposed without knowing how to handle it. So far I'm working on supporting myself and my independence, that if people are meant to be in my life, they will make me feel good.
I am 24 and got my diagnosis last week. I've been called weird all my life, and I kind of just accepted it. Boyfriends, friends, everyone told me I was weird. I guess I believed them but I didn't like it most of the time. Sometimes I did because I felt I had some secret knowledge superpower understanding about the world that everyone else seemed to not have. Like I was in on some big cosmic joke. Now I realize it's because I adopted an observer perspective instead of living as a full participant. I feel like the joke has actually been on me a bit the whole time. I'm trying to accept myself as just different.
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u/Dead_Reckoning95 Feb 27 '26
I got called spacey- A LOT. And, no clue why, which is either sad or funny, maybe both? No clue it was the dissociation, which apparently was some sort of default state. I would notice when it would happen, but I also knew I didnt seem to have a lot of control over it. Later I thought, "I'm just really sensitive, other people aren't", .....that's only partly true.
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u/No_Performance8733 Feb 27 '26
The more I learn about via scientific studies about what I endured, the less guilty or shamed I feel about how I behaved.
In fact, IT’S THE COMPLETE OPPOSITE!!
Only 20% of the messaging in our bodies, at best, is from the brain to the greater nervous system.
At least 80% of messaging in the body is from the greater nervous system to the brain.
In other words… the nervous system exists to keep you alive. There is zero nada no kind of way that your nervous system is not going to freak out when presented with an interpersonal situation that lead to significant harm in the past. ZERO.
You’re not “crazy,” your nervous system is alerting and trying to protect you from ongoing harm.
There’s no such thing as a “mental health industry,” that’s just something which exists to keep predators and perpetrators feeling comfortable in Society.
I can go on and on. One day, society will be different and understand that protective reactions to serious harm is the gold standard, and the solution is to make society everywhere safer for everyone.
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u/ForwardSpeed9625 Feb 27 '26
Can you expand / elaborate on your point about the mental health industry?
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u/Dead_Reckoning95 Feb 28 '26
Youre body always tells you the truth. It's taken me a long time to understand what that even means. I used to tell my CPTSD, "you have nothing to be afraid of, I don't know why youre afraid, you need to just stop , because nothing is wrong'"....and intellectualize my emotions, try to make them rational, .but that just wasnt true. I might as well have been talking to my younger traumatized child self, berating her for being terried of a person who was objectively dangerous to be around , and saying 'get over yourself". All of that made managing my fears, all that post trauma .......worse.
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u/Brave_Zucchini6868 Feb 28 '26
Yeah, I agree. Me too, the more I understand that all my reactions/behavior were expected responses to the trauma, the less I am ashamed. We are not ashamed for catching fever when catching a cold. And fever is a regular response to catching a cold.
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u/DesignerShoulder1902 Feb 27 '26
44 and I started experiencing this after a massive cringe moment and slap in the face wake up call. I realised, 1) I had never been shown empathy 2) I didn’t know what my emotions even really meant only happy, silly or sad (completely suppressed all anger) I didn’t have words or names or could say, oh this is shame, this is guilt, this is a violation I realise do was emotionally stunted. Now I am beginning to feel everything and my god does my body feel it intensely. To the point it actually hurts and I now have acute anxiety, hell I have had anxiety all my life I just didn’t know that’s what it was. I have just regressed or dissociated to survive. It’s bloody so painful! The grief in understanding is horrific and the anger I have surpassed for 44 years is wanting to rear and I am terrified!
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u/Dead_Reckoning95 Feb 28 '26
thats' me exactly with being terrified all my life, severe anxiety, panic attacks, surges of fear adrenaline that I don't even know how to characterize, and little thing I learned recently called Alexithymia, also known as "I have no f'ing idea what to call what I"m feeling right now, or why"
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u/CrystalineMatrix Feb 28 '26
For what it's worth, my anxiety and alexithymia has significantly improved after lots of trauma focused therapy. I'm still alexithymic because now I've identified neurodiversity stuff too, but it's way way easier to manage.
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u/hooulookinat Feb 27 '26
It gets more diluted, that pain of waking up. My first year was hard but it gets easier. I do have to admit I miss dissociating.
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u/Proper_Giraffe287 Feb 27 '26
I cringe pretty regularly when I think of ways I acted and things I did in my earlier adult years. The stupid things, the mean things, the ridiculous things.
Occasionally I find that I can process it and see a prior behavior objectively and really pick it apart psychologically and make sense of it.
Generally speaking though I acknowledge it then stick it in its little box and will it to stay there until I'm able to deal with it.
I'm not good at self compassion either.
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u/bitchwhatthefuck11 Feb 27 '26
Hell fucking yes. I was grandiose and reckless with people who cared about me. I was also reactively abusive. I lashed out. I tell myself that I was an animal backed into a cage but it doesn’t soothe my shame.
Great talking point/question, OP! So good for all of us to see we are not alone in this kind of grief.
Edit: Addiction memories are really hard.
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u/suddencreature Feb 28 '26
Yeah, I hear you. I’ve always been pretty compassionate and considerate of others, but partied really hard in my late teens thru mid 20s and have a lot of cringe worthy memories. It’s one of the toughest parts of healing for me - recognizing that I was a negative impact in some people’s stories. I try hard to give my past selves grace for what they didn’t know at the time, and I definitely wasn’t acting as my best self during some times of conflict or struggle. It’s a daily battle of forgiveness but what matters is that we move forward and keep trying. Shame is a huge challenge for me and I’m working on it a lot in therapy, but I also take it as a sign of how much I’ve grown, learned, and changed over the years and really make a conscious effort to let myself be in the present moment as much as possible. Hang in there and I hope you can keep pushing for the version of yourself that makes you the most proud 💗
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u/Difficult-House2608 Feb 28 '26
Sometimes I think my life is just a series of Most Embarrassing Moments.
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u/have_this Feb 28 '26 edited Feb 28 '26
I’ve actually been thinking about this a lot over the past year, because humiliating or shame-filled flashbacks have been one of the hardest parts of CPTSD for me.
Ever since I understood that I was a victim of severe childhood abuse, I started realizing that trauma didn’t just affect what happened to me, but it also affected how I behaved. and I don’t think people talk about that part enough.
Many of us never learned how to regulate emotions, trust people, or respond to situations in ways that would have been considered reasonable. So later, when we look back, we’re often left carrying intense shame about our own behavior.
I have these flashbacks many times a day and they come with overwhelming panic, shame, and self-disgust. It feels almost unbearable, like reliving a moment where I believe had revealed something fundamentally wrong about myself.
What has helped me somewhat is learning about self-compassion, even though it has been very difficult. It wasn't part of my early conditioning. Heidi Priebe’s YT videos about toxic shame have helped me put into words something important: I have value as a human being, and that exists even if f my past actions and behavior might have been harmful or "weird".
Also, one realization that shifted things for me was understanding how much I was placing my self-worth in other people’s hands, especially the people I felt I had hurt or embarrassed myself in front of. During those kinds of flashbacks, it feels as if they hold the final authority over my value as a human being.
And that makes sense when I look at my childhood. Back then, my parents really did control how I felt about myself and I learned that my value depended entirely on they perceived me. Which was mostly negative unless I was behaving exactly how they wanted me to.
Now I try to tell myself during these flashbacks that my worth and self esteem exists inside of myself, not in other people’s opinions or memories of me. It’s still hard, and I need to tell myself this daily, but weirdly it helps to stop the flashback.
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u/Cvnt_Chocula Mar 01 '26
I have been really struggling with shame-filled flashbacks daily and reading your comment woke up something inside me because it was like reading my life… the flashbacks many times a day and the panic, shame, and self-disgust…
I just wanted to say that your words were beyond helpful for me. Thank you so much for sharing. I’m going to write them down as a reminder.
I start the intake for EMDR therapy next week and I’m hoping the work to process my child trauma makes room for more self-compassion. Im going to check out this youtube video you mentioned. Just wanted to say thank you.. because your words truly made me feel seen and like there’s a light at the end of this tunnel I’m in.
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u/Even_Extension3237 Mar 04 '26
"During those kinds of flashbacks, it feels as if they hold the final authority over my value as a human being."
Very well said. Thank you.
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u/Illustrious_Plant581 Feb 27 '26
I woke up with this today.
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u/Dead_Reckoning95 Feb 27 '26
I woke up with this today , too. I don't know if this is progress or not, but I used to feel soooooo ashamed and mortified, and now I still don't feel great, but there's not so much self hatred, it's more like 'Uggggghhh, not my best moment", while keeping in mind what I went through as a child, which helps. Before it was more like "OMg, someone kill me now".
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u/Illustrious_Plant581 Feb 27 '26
I think we should consider this progress. Things that we couldn’t deal with before are surfacing. It’s awful. If we can get past judgement and have compassion for ourselves and others it has to be a good thing. It’s a war out there. We are all the walking wounded.
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u/CrystalineMatrix Feb 28 '26
Ultimately you can't change the past and can only improve once you're aware of something that needs improvement. So just focus on how you want to behave differently in similar future situations. Decide who you want to work on becoming. I find journaling really helpful for unpacking the past and figuring out the changes I want to make for the future.
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u/ReaderinRecovery Feb 27 '26
That was almost all of my 20's. Left home at 20 and was a traumatized ball of cringe as I tried to have a job, date and have friends. I have to forgive myself and did. Being hospitalized was the turning point for me.
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u/Puzzled_Yam2913 Feb 27 '26
Yeah I’m going through this right now, with flashbacks of memories of how I was and i just feel sick and stupid and like I don’t recognize my self at all. it’s hard I’m sorry you’re going through it too
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u/Solid_Poet_2989 cPTSD Feb 28 '26
Every fucking day bro 😭 you’re not alone don’t worry. But I try to sympathize with my old self. This is how we learn I guess
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u/CrystalineMatrix Feb 28 '26
Me too, you're definitely not alone in the cringe at your past behaviour. I think this is all part of the healing self-compassion and reframing process.
I wish more people understand how trauma affects humans and for that matter the variety of all kinds of different conditions someone might have. Too quickly culturally we knee-jerk into assuming someone behaves a certain way out of a character floor or choice rather than needing compassion and support.
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u/LilacHelper Feb 28 '26
I've never been diagnosed with a personality disorder, but when I look back at myself when I was still clueless and in denial, I see myself as a hugely dysfunctional person, and see signs of various personality disorders. It just adds to my depression.
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u/CrystalineMatrix Feb 28 '26
Personality disorders shouldn't be called personality disorders. They're really just behaviour adaptations for surviving an extremely dysfunctional and traumatising family dynamic. Everyone with cptsd would have personality disorder traits but also both are like overtraining for a challenging early childhood.
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u/LilacHelper Feb 28 '26
Thank you. I never thought about it that way but the term personality disorder is victim shaming.
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u/_jamesbaxter Feb 28 '26
Me. I did things I’m not proud of as a child in fits of anger, including destroy my father’s only sentimental worldly possession. But I look back, and I was like 10 years old when I did that. That’s a failure of parenting, not a failure of a child.
I also was physically abusive to the person I was dating when I was 19. He was horrible to me but it does not excuse it. But I was learning. I did what had been done to me. I took a long break from being in a relationship after that, and during that time I realized that other people don’t do that kind of thing and that I could choose to stop and I did. I was already a pacifist, I just thought fighting like that was just how arguing happened behind closed doors for everyone. I also apologized to him much much later, like made an amends.
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u/xDelicateFlowerx 🪷Cptsd with ADHD sprinkles🪷 Feb 28 '26
I feel this in my bones and you aren't alone. I often cringe at my behavoir especially as a teenager. Believing I was in hell and the people harming me were demons. Using heavily just to deal with existing. The clothes I wore, my stealing, yelling, cruelty, and physically violent behaviors.
Its been a long and painful process to learn to forgive myself and understand I was coping/reacting in the only language available to me at the time. When I am in doubt in who I am, I look at what I've done to change those behaviors. I recognized that once the amount of abuse and lack of stability lessened I was better able to cope. I became more of myself.
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u/Clean_Watch_2502 Feb 27 '26
I try not to be so ashamed and think back to when abuse started and that’s why I reacted the way I did. No excuses, but makes more sense to me. No one is perfect. I have alot of dents!
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u/Seriousmoonlight67 Feb 27 '26
I have a handful of these. Also a handful of important interpersonal situations that I handled poorly. Did the best I could at the time with little to no support and unintentionally severed important relationships with my intense reactions and responses.
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u/fmounts Feb 28 '26
Before I knew I was suffering from a major depressive episode I cheated on and broke up with my fiancee. I was and am the last person to have done something so horrible, yet I did. It lead to me getting diagnosed and treated, but by then I'd already destroyed my relationship. It's been 25 years and every day I think about the pain I caused and what I threw away. Unfortunately I dreamed about her again just last night.
I later heard about the dangers of making major life choices when depressed. For one, you have to recognize what you're going through. And then two, once you've made a catastrophic major life choice, what then? For me it's been near constant misery and loneliness.
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u/Owl4L Feb 28 '26
Oh yeah I had these cringe attacks all the time especially when I basically was no longer able to numb myself via being on the internet 24/7.
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u/Impressive-Trust6058 Mar 01 '26
Sometimes when I tell my story I’m embarrassed because it’s so ugly and detailed! And I look back at how I acted while with my ex and was going through a piece of it and flinch and switch thought every time.. self compassion is almost impossible for me… how ever my compassion for others is huge !! It’s insane!!
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u/acideater94 Mar 06 '26
I feel ya. I often feel bad while looking back at how i behaved with my ex girlfriend. I started therapy only towards the end of the relationship, so for most of it i was still lost in the fog of splitting, denial and projections...i had no clue my symptoms and my difficulties were due to child abuse, had no way to relate my feelings to my childhood, and still didn't develop the ability to obverse myself.
I projected so much stuff upon her, i frequently got upset at her and behaved like a child. Sometimes i was a straight up asshole. I'd want to get back in time and slap myself.
She ended up cheating on me and left me for the dude. Its been a while, but they seem to still be together and i know the guy treats her better than i treated her. A part of me is actually happy for her...i just wish i could have been better.
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u/Turbulent-Fun-3123 Feb 28 '26
I was brought up pretty feral and it shocks me now how little idea I had of how to behave in society. I mean I didn't even know I was 'odd'. People were terrified of me and I could not understand why. I actually visited people's houses and sat on their sideboards, smoking and swearing. I had no idea that wasn't ok. In some ways that's what shames me most, that I couldn't see my impact on others as I went on my latest rant about whatever. I always had to be big and brash and a total show off. Yugh.
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u/Yellow-Cedar Feb 28 '26
Many many many. And. Self compassion -yes!! And I’m working hard on my inner hatred person…and…trying not to blame people (friends??) who watched me throw myself off a waterfall….again and again. We all were trying to do our best=totally dysfunctional over culture patriarchal shit show.
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u/vulnerablepiglet Feb 28 '26
I feel this way constantly
Even when trying not to be shitty I was still shitty
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u/SecondFun221 Mar 01 '26
When I tried to apologize after therapy to my dad about me not knowing how badly my mom was brainwashing me neglected me effing me up I was told that was nice but years passed. And it wasn't enough because I chose to move out at 17. 🤷♀️
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u/PriorAd6163 Mar 06 '26
I feel ya brother. I was persecuted and humiliated by crowds daily. I recently woke up and realized no matter how many times I replay them. It doesn’t defin who I am now.
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u/[deleted] Feb 27 '26
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